Do you feel like your husband would rather spend time with friends than with you?
Every Monday I like to pull a reader question out of the files and take a stab at answering it. Today two women are facing a similar problem–their husbands spend more time with friends than with them!
One woman writes:
Reader Question
My husband is home on permanent disability, I work full time, and our kids are in daycare all day. His best friend lives next door, so all day he goes over with him. When I get home with the kids to do dinner, bath, and bed time….he says bye I’m going next door for a while.
Then he comes back, eats dinner, then leaves to go back over there till I put the kids in bed. Then instead of spending time watching tv, playing a board game, talking, having sex he goes back next door…till I get tired of waiting up and go to bed alone. I’m getting really tired of this, and I’ve attacked, nagged, gotten on his case about not spending time with me and choosing to spend all his time next door with his friend and his whole family.
I don’t know what to do to get him to want to spend more time with me, I’ve even left the house to go out with my own friends after the kids go to bed to see if he likes sitting by himself all night, he gets mad then if I come home to late. We used to have an amazing friendship, marriage before we had kids, and now it’s crap.
Another woman writes:
Reader Question
My husband and I get along well. We were friends first, for many years. We barely argue, let alone fight. However, his idea of “date night” is to go over to his single friend’s place and watch sports and play pool. It is sometimes 3x a week. I know he works hard and deserves to let off steam, but it’s gotten to the point where I feel like I’m the last thing on his list and that my needs go unheard. I have calmly,without guilt tactics or sarcasm, tried to tell him so many times, but nothing changes.
Our last date was 8 months ago. It’s not even the money. We have gift cards to restaurants that have gone unused. I feel like I’m good enough to be his cook & housekeeper but not to be taken out in public. How is it that he’s too tired to do something with me, but not too tired to hang out with his friend? (It’s not that he gets more validation from the friend than from me; I work hard at building him up. Wish he’d do it for me!) After 5 years of this, I’m starting to shut down. Since talking doesn’t get through to him, what do I do? Thank you.
I can just imagine how lonely these women must feel!
So here goes!
When there’s time that isn’t accounted for, people tend to think, “I can do what I want.”
If there’s nothing else planned, then it’s human nature to fill up your time with what you want to be doing. And many of us get into ruts. How many nights have you watched TV when you know that in the long run you would rather that you organized old photos, read a book, or even went for a jog? We tend to turn to what is easy and readily available rather than something that seemingly requires work.
Plan more activities and put them on a monthly schedule on the wall
If you want him to spend more time with you, then, perhaps you can try planning activities ahead of time? What about joining a small group at church that meets every Wednesday? Or perhaps saying that every Tuesday you’ll go to the gym and play racquetball to get some exercise. Or maybe even join a bowling league? It sounds geeky, but people have a lot of fun doing stuff like that. My husband and I took ballroom dancing lessons for years and it was a riot (plus we learned to dance!).
It is much harder for him to get up and leave to spend time with friends if there is another activity planned.
So I’d suggest planning some volunteer time (maybe you help lead the junior high at church once a week or something) and then planning some couple time where you’re doing something specific and regular. Even plan regular get togethers with other couples! (My daughter and her husband have a group of two other couples who get together every week to do something fun). Then, if he wants to spend time with friends on another night, it’s okay because you’ve got that time together already.
Another idea is to sit down with him and ask ahead of time: “How much time do you think is reasonable for us to spend with friends, and how much time should we spend as a couple?” Ask when you’re not already tense and angry with each other. And if you agree that once a week with friends is good, then get out the calendar and schedule it in: he has his friends on Saturday and you have your friends (or knitting group, or women’s Bible study) on another night.
Talk about big picture goals.
Often people don’t realize the long term impact of how they’re acting. Eating one little cookie doesn’t seem like much, but make a list of all the sugar you’re eating in a day and you realize how much it adds up! It’s the same with any habit like this: you don’t realize the long term ramifications because you’re only thinking about the short term.
If you can have a planning meeting with your husband (again, when you’re not upset, but you’re just talking), maybe you can work through some of my “visioning” printables to talk about where you want your family to be in 5 years or 10 years. Then ask, “how are we going to get there?” How are we going to teach our kids the lessons we want them to learn? How are we going to build our relationship? Don’t lecture to him–just ask the questions. This may encourage him to want to be more proactive about scheduling some family time.
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Look for underlying reasons for him spending time with friends away from you–a lack of purpose?
People who have a strong sense of where they’re going and what they’re called to in life tend to spend their free time intentionally. People who have no sense of purpose or responsibility tend to drift and waste time.
Do you and your husband share a sense of purpose? Does he have one at all? I’m wondering about the first letter writer, especially, whose husband is on long term disability. He may just be struggling with his worth as a man if he can’t even work. There may even be some underlying depression going on. Finding him a purpose where he can serve at church or be useful in some other capacity could be the key to unlocking the relational side of him again.
We often burden the spouse who is trying to keep everything together to do even more.
A warning about abandonment
I am really concerned about letter writer #1, though, and I want to take this one step further. Assuming that she has tried to help him find purpose and that there isn’t an underlying depression involved, then it certainly sounds as if she has all the responsibility in the family and he has none of it. From just what she has said, she provides the income; she gets the kids to childcare; she takes care of meals and bedtimes. He does whatever he wants, whenever he wants, and does not interact with his wife or his children.
That is the definition of abandonment.
In biblical times, abandonment meant not providing for your family. Women had no means of earning wages, so they needed men’s wages to live. Today it’s murkier because many women are the primary breadwinners. But regardless of who earns the income, both individuals need to be caring for the family. If he is not just shirking his responsibilities but also living off of her work (I assume she makes the meals and does the laundry and provides most income), then he has effectively abandoned his family, forcing his wife to care for the family alone. The only difference is that he is still living in the house.
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In 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage I was very clear that failing to provide for the family or do any of the family’s work is a sin, and it’s one area that definitely warrants outside intervention. So here are the steps that I would take, in a nutshell:
- Pray hard for a period of weeks and ask God to reveal any shortcomings on your end, and to work on your husband’s heart.
- THEN talk to a mentor couple, by yourself. Discuss what boundaries you can put in place to stop doing everything for him.
- Ask that mentor couple to talk to you as a couple.
- Seek counselling as a couple, especially to make sure there isn’t an underlying depression.
- Ask some men to come alongside your husband and hold him accountable.
- Consider next steps if the marriage doesn’t change.
The first 5 items should take place over a series of months, not days. And if you work through them, assuming that you are not married to a cold-hearted narcissist but simply to someone who is immature or going through a hard time, things really should improve.
But Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 7:15-16 that we are not bound if a spouse chooses to leave. This husband (assuming that the conclusions I drew from the letter writer are true, and that any mental illness struggles have been addressed) has chosen to leave, even if he is still under the same roof.
I think we as a church do tremendous harm by recognizing the “shell” of a marriage as a real marriage, rather than calling it what it is and urging the sinning spouse towards better behaviour. Instead, we often burden the spouse who is trying to keep everything together to do even more. (And I have seen women abandon their families in the exact same way, too. This is not a gender issue).
If a friend of yours is going through this, can you and your husband step in and support her and urge her husband on to better behaviour? Can you help her set appropriate boundaries? This kind of behaviour should not be acceptable, but when we talk about divorce as if it is the only sin, then we often enable people to continue to be lazy and to effectively abandon their family with no consequences. Let’s come alongside couples and urge them to better behaviour before things get to this point. The precious children in the middle of this situation, especially, need someone to advocate for them. After all, that’s what the body of Christ should be for!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I honestly don’t understand why someone gets married and doesn’t spend time with their spouse. However, I realize it happens. There are times when work pulls us away or even church Ministries. Both husbands and wives need to set priorities. My wife and I have to do this as life gets hectic.
One word of caution regarding abandonment. Corinthians 7:15-16 is speaking strictly to the wife who is a Christian and married to an unbelieving husband. However, I do believe the steps you wrote can help a couple address the issues in the first letter. If both are Christians, then the wife can speak with church leadership about this issue, as it is as much a spiritual issue as an issue with their marriage.
I do agree with you that I hope that church leadership would get involved. We really need to be more proactive about this sort of thing! So many couples are hurting and have no help until after everything has fallen apart, where if leadership (and by that I mean even spiritually more mature couples) had tried to help earlier, a lot of this could be avoided.
I do want to say one thing, though. A person who pays no attention to his family and does not support his family (or her family) in any way, shape or form is likely not a believer, whatever they may say. 1 Timothy 5:8 says: “Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, and especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.” Many people go to church and claim to be Christian without really being Christian. And then they use that faith to get what they want–in this case, a spouse who will do anything for them and who can’t leave. That’s why we need discerning people to come by them and say, “nope, this doesn’t wash at all.”
And in that case, he has abandoned her, even if he is still in the house. He has already left, I think. But I desperately hope that couples in this situation will go through a process of trying to work things out, because most people doing this are simply immature, not mean. And immature people can grow and change. We need to create the situations where that’s more likely to happen!
Thanks for your comment!
I believe you are assuming far too much in this situation. For one thing, you are only hearing one side of the story. Biblically, most decisions required at least two witnesses.
You also seem to assume that she has made good efforts at working this out. I have my doubts because she specifically states “Iâm getting really tired of this, and Iâve attacked, nagged, gotten on his case….”. That doesn’t sound loving, nor an effort that is likely to be successful.
As to the abandonment question, FollowerOfChrist is correct that 1 Cor. 7:15,16 specifically addresses cases with an unbelieving spouse who desires to leave (it’s my supposition that the unbeliever explicitly states this, not implies it in behavior). I think you are arguing that the husband is actually an unbeliever because you consider that he has abandoned her and the family. Has he really? There is no mention of him spending money (even disability if he gets it) stupidly or selfishly. She implies that he will stay at home if she goes out after the kids are in bed, so he is not refusing to be involved if needed.
For clarification, I don’t think his behavior is good or even reasonable. But I see little evidence that she is responding in a way that will result in improvement. And I think it is dangerous territory for you to quickly move to the idea of abandonment by an “unbelieving spouse” and divorce. The speed of that move belies your stated desire to avoid divorce.
Overall, this situation is much too unclear for you to bring up the idea of divorce as perhaps being an acceptable possibility. It is much more important to work toward improving this relationship that was amazing before children is now crap.
Sheila, I wanted to wait a couple days to respond, in order to have time to pray. All I can say is thank you. Thank you for taking the time to consider my comments and responding with grace. May God continue to bless your ministry to marriages throughout the world.
Not sure what to think my husband n I have been separated for one month he has been staying with his best friend n they r hanging out at a local bar as we speak when he told me he was coming home tonite he has been saying he’s coming home but finds reason not to he says he doesn’t want to tell his friend about us getting back together so he is waiting for a day when friend is working so he can get his things without him seeing him leave , i go to church n enjoy reading my bible he says he believes in god n doesn’t need to go to church . Guess his friend is more important than his wife ? I’m saddend more then upset …..
What about the spouse who spends more time with the pets than the other spouse?
Jeff, I don’t believe it matters what is taking the time away from time together as a couple. One of the most difficult things to balance is kids. The kids need time, but if mom and dad have stress in their marriage because they prioritize the kids at the expense of their relationship, both the marriage and the kids get hurt. The issue is how to express the need for time together without getting angry or being unreasonable.
Wow, that’s really sad!
Oh wow!your comment made me laugh and reminded of one African kid who told me that his parents didn’t want her to marry an American (white or black.didnt matter)I asked hm why. he said his parents said “we want our grandkids to be humans not pets”lol I hope that was not an offensive joke to pet lovers lol just different cultures
Maybe this is not even an issue, but WHAT does the husband do at/with the friend’s house that is so appealing? Is it a video game addiction, porn, or something even darker? That is just what popped in my mind immediately. Why
is the husband always over at the friend’s house?
Will keep that wife in my prayers.
I was wondering that myself… đ
It seems that you and Sheila immediately jumped to the conclusion that his motivation to be at his friend’s house must be something sinful. It certainly could be, but has the writer not asked her husband why he wants to spend so much time there? More information is needed before even mentioning the idea of abandonment.
For both letter writers, it seems that the husbands enjoy the company of their male friends over that of their spouses. I would think it would be best to first find out why this is true.
OkRickety, I think there is a real problem, regardless of the reason. It is probably a result of issues on both sides, but it won’t be resolved if it isn’t addressed. I don’t hope they work through it so they can have a great marriage.
It sounds to me like the husband in the first scenario is depressed that he’s no longer able to work and provide for his family. Disability benefits don’t really pay much. OTOH, if he’s physically able to take off to the friends house for hours, he should be the one doing the running as far as their children go with dropping them off at daycare.,etc. No reason why he shouldn’t be doing all the housework/cooking/cleaning etc unless his disability physically prevents him from such activities. I will pray for their family.
I also wonder about the nature of the first husband’s disability. What is he able to do, but is not doing? Why isn’t he doing what he can do?
“Plan more activities and put them on a monthly schedule on the wall”
Since it was not clearly stated, I will suppose that you are assuming that these are joint activities, and he is agreeing to them. Otherwise, I can easily imagine that he would just go to his friend’s house instead.
Ok, this is my second attempt at this comment, because my internet crashed and lost my first one! So please excuse me if it reads a little rushed – my first one was really well thought out, I promise!
So, I have the annoying habit of always looking at the ‘other side’ of an argument. Sometimes this is a blessing, sometimes…not so much! In the secular world I would be known as the ‘devil’s advocate’ but now I don’t really like that term so much…
so, my first thought when reading this was of course to look for the untold in the story, namely the husband’s story (especially in the first scenario). One of the first things I noticed was that the wife listed ‘nagging’ as one of the ways she has tried to get her husband to stay home! Proverbs 21:9 says it is better to live in the corner of a housetop, than in a big house with a nagging wife! Perhaps his friend’s house is his ‘corner of the housetop’!
Of course, he could be going over there for all sorts of sinful activities (as another commenter suggested above). We just don’t know! But the situation brings to mind the Martin Luther quote ‘let the wife make the husband sorry to leave, and let him make her sorry to see him go’ (that is possibly paraphrased slightly). In other words, make the ‘home’ an inviting place to be!
I see so many women whose husbands would prefer to be at the local bar, or hanging out with ‘the boys’, and frankly, as an outsider, what I see are these hardworking men, who work really long hours (ok, that’s not applicable to someone off work due to a disability, but bear with me here!), and then come home to spend time with their wives and children, only to be met at the door with a ‘oh good, now I can have a break from the kids’, or ‘here’s a list of all the jobs I need you to do now you are home’. Is it really so surprising that these men would chose the company of their male friends, when ‘home’ almost seems like more work than work?
In light of that view, I think that women need to tread carefully with scheduling a lot of activities, as there are a lot of men who would be incredibly overwhelmed with so much activity. Plus, women doing all the organising can make a man feel kind of emasculated, and hardly like they are trusted with leading the family! I think a lot of men would probably shut down this route, and probably end up back over at the friends house again!
One thing that might be worth a try is for a wife to open the lines of communication with something like ‘honey, I miss you, and would really like to spend some time with you. Can you think of something fun that we could do together?’
And then go through with it (providing it isn’t something sinful, of course!). Enjoy spending the time with your spouse, even if it isn’t an activity you would have chosen! And let your man know that you enjoy it. And mention afterwards about how much you enjoyed it. don’t lie, but even if it wasn’t an activity that you particularly enjoyed, find an aspect of the activity that you did enjoy. Think on the positives (Phil 4:8)! Hopefully your spouse will also have enjoyed himself, and be more open to another such encounter. It might take aaaaaggggeeess before he is enthusiastically helping out around the house equally, but start with baby steps!
Eliza,
I’d like to respond to your suggestion that the writer try saying, “Honey, I miss you…” etc. It really sounds like this woman has tried about every approach in addressing her husband on the subject, and I’m sure she probably tried this before she got to the nagging. Would you ask someone with a migraine if they have tried Tylenol? As a migraine-sufferer, my answer would be that I’ve tried Tylenol, Advil, Excedrin, and moved onto prescription meds, not to mention homeopathic choices!
This is definitely a tough issue, Sheila. I agree with your suggestions, and I would emphasize the importance of the wife speaking to the husband when they are both calm about these issues.
Often we wives expect our husbands to read our minds, but they can’t! I definitely agree there’s a problem, but the wife needs to be really clear about what her concerns are and try not to do so in an attacking manner.
Please some one help me to solve my problem. My husband just play cards and spend long time with them. I suggest him not to do so but he again do the same next morning. I am totally getting mad.He lose lot of money on it; where i am always Saving money to pay house rent.we don’nt have baby yet and he is jobless too. He left job showing diffrent propose but he is doing no thing. I fell alone everyday. I can’t leave him because i love him alot but its being too difficult to spend life with him. Please some one help me to get the proper solutions
I am sitting here reading this on Christmas night, after my husband left & spent almost 8 hours at a friend’s house (the guy is single & lives with his family). We did spent a few hours at my in-laws’ earlier, but my family lives out of state. We spent Thanksgiving with them this year, but this was the 1st time I feltLlike I basically spent Christmas Day alone. I kind of saw this coming, as the behavior was the same when we were engaged. I guess I thought we’d have kids & that would keep him home more, but we were never able to have kids. He spends pretty much every Sunday after church with this guy, which I’ve accepted, but Christmas Day?! I am probably not being the vivacious, charming wife to keep him interested in my company, but it still made me a little sad today.
Oh, Christine, that is so sad. I’m sorry. I’m sure you must be very lonely.
I am, but I realize now (especially after a couple recent sermons at church) that I have really not been praying about it and giving it to God. I can’t control everything, so I need to let God do something. I believe my husband loves me, and when I told him how I felt on Christmas he apologized. I will be praying for my marriage more now.
Greetings,
I would like to say that I truly believe the church as a whole should place more value on teaching and training husbands to lead, cover and protect tgeir families spiritually, emotionally and yes financially. Many man have an understanding of financual provision but not spiritual anc emotional provision and leadership. I understand tgat women are nurturers and tend to focus on relationship more tban men, however by reading the ladies comments, it sound as if tgey lead, protect amd cover tgeir households. All the comments here are concerning what thed wives need to do in order to restore their husbands to their place of involvement. Husbands are told to love their wives. They are suppose to live tgem if tgey nag, burn dinner, talk to much or gain weight. Love is an action word, love is intentional. I hope Christians can work peay for restoration of order in the family. Women have honestly been leading household for a very long time because we mmfut into anny gap or wherever there is lack. If there is a decrease in finance we create side jobs, we cook, clean and if we show disapointment with emotion we are nags. Husbands should set aside fime for their wives as well as parent children alongside them. They should be aware of issues in their marriage and communicate just as a wide is expected to communicate. They are responsible for for tgeir damily as the head no matter if ghey currently work or not. I feel like all the responsiblity has been placed on wives an not enough accountability has been given to or taught to men. Women are leading families spiritually, emotionally and sometimes financially. Its sounds like these husbands that are mentioned should consider being more intentional about their family life.
Reading all these and it just all hits me. Been married for 14 years and with three kids. All I want is for our family to spend time together: doing activities, traveling, having fun, or even if weâre just chillin. It I feel like itâs a constant battle. I feel like I always have to make the effort for thing to happen. I almost have to force him (my husband) drag him to spend time with us. Why? I feel unloved. I feel as if he doesnât like me and our kids enough to spend time with us. Heâd rather spend time with other people. If someone asks him to play golf itâs an easy yes. I wanted to go to Disney like forever. I made happen! After doing all the research, planning day offs, tickets and reservations, we finally made it.
I always ask if we can eat out. We donât have money problem, but every time I suggests it he always have an excuse, either heâs tired, doesnât really want to go out, been out all day and just want stay home, ok but him staying home with us means him on his phone pretty much the whole time and watching tv the he only likes.
The last straw for me happens today! We bought a new boat. I was excited for him. Heâs been wanting to get one for a long time. He asked if he can âbreak it inâ tonight with a friend (our neighbor) to ask the friend and let him learn about operating the boat properly. I said yes! Received a call from him, on my way home from taking my kids to the mall to pick up her bday presents and cake, and this is after having only 3 hours of sleep (Iâm a night shift nurse, had to get up and do mommyâs duty since our kidâs birthday is the next day), and he tells me that the neighbor, the neighborâs friend, and the neighbors wife is coming with him to test the boat! Itâs our first boat! I wanted to be with him the first time we use it! And I got the âsort of invitationâ to join in the last minute! And knowing that I probably wonât be able to go.
I said NO thanks, just go, and hang up
Iâm so tired being his second choice and his maybe. I deserved better.
Iâm beyond hurt….
Oh, Bheng, that is really, really tough. It sounds like you guys could really use some marriage counselling. Will he go with you?
Well, I did not finish reading this article. Women are reaching out about their husbands spending more time with friends instead of with their wives.
In my opinion, I feel like if I’m working and I got to cone home after work cook clean and get the kids ready for bed, I shouldnt have to plan our date night too.
Like Hubby, show me its still there.