Too often, when we approach things differently from our spouse, we assume that they’re either bad or wrong, and we’re good and right. But what if we’re just made differently?
On Fridays I like to post a 400-word marriage inspirational piece to give us one thought to get us through the weekend. Today I’d like to encourage all of us to simply understand each other! One caveat: I realize what I’m going to say is a generalization. If you’re a woman with a higher sex drive than your husband, reading this series on what to do when a husband doesn’t want to make love may be more helpful today.
Sheila’s Marriage Moment: The Genders Are Wired Differently, and That’s Okay
Recently I’ve gotten into two interesting debates in the comments. Both stemmed from my posts on sexy questions to ask your husband and sexy questions to ask your wife. In writing those posts, I was thinking: How can you appeal to your spouse’s underlying libido?
In the post of sexy things to say to your wife we got into a very civil discussion (seriously, I wish all discussions were that nice!) about why suggesting a guy help with chores is NOT “pay for play” with regards to sex. He pointed to some other sites that argued that “choreplay” was wrong. I agreed. Demanding a guy perform for sex is unfair. But that doesn’t change the fact that women were created so that we need to be able to concentrate to enjoy making love. And when we’re exhausted, it’s harder to concentrate. Help us not be exhausted and take some things off of our to-do list, and it will be easier for us to get in the mental place where we anticipate sex.
Then on the sexy things to say to your husband post (and several other posts that day) I got pushback on suggesting that women entice their husbands visually. It’s wrong for men to objectify women, they said, and porn makes men ogle women, and I’m suggesting the same thing.
I absolutely agree that it’s wrong to objectify women, and that porn can rewire the brain to make sex impersonal. But that doesn’t mean that men aren’t wired to respond visually, and there’s nothing wrong with a husband enjoying looking at his wife, as long as he’s not feeding a porn habit.
For us women who have to concentrate to make love and who are more relationship focused, it can seem as if men who are visually stimulated are somehow “lesser” creatures. For men who want a thriving, spontaneous sex life, having to woo her can seem as if she’s making him “work for sex”.
And too often, we double down and insist that the other person is somehow wrong and our approach is morally superior.
But what if we’re simply different, and that’s okay? What if men are more visual, and there’s nothing wrong with that? What if women need more warming up and are more relational, and there’s nothing wrong with that, either? It doesn’t mean men don’t value relationships and it doesn’t mean women don’t enjoy sex. We’re just created differently so that we have to reach out to each other, attempt to understand each other, and become more giving. Do that, and it works well. Insist that you’re right and your spouse’s natural inclinations are wrong, and you’ll end up fighting a losing battle, and driving your spouse away in the process.
Have you been struggling with understanding how your spouse sees sex? Does your spouse not understand YOUR libido? Why not work through 31 Days to Great Sex? It’s a series of challenges that will help you talk about sex more, understand each other more, and discover new things–all while having a ton of fun! And the ebook version is just $5!
What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?
This week we have a great mix of topics in our Tops. Which one speaks into the week you are having?
#1 NEW Post on the Blog: How Do Millennials Start a Family if There Are No Jobs?
#1 on the Blog Overall: Top 10 Tips For Initiating Sex With Your Husband
#1 from Facebook: Why I’m Okay 20 Years After My Son Died
#2 from Pinterest: How Do You Handle Sibling Rivalry? Stopping Kids’ Fights Effectively
We’re Hitting the Road!
Keith and I are packing up the RV and hitting the road tomorrow! We’ll be gone for a month, and we’ll be covering a LOT of ground. I’m speaking in Erie, Pennsylvania on Monday night, and then in Michigan next week before ending up in Iowa and Kansas. Then we’re planning to drive to Arizona and just enjoy being there for about a week before flying home for Canadian Thanksgiving.
I’m excited to be speaking again after taking the summer off!
And remember: We’re still booking for Alberta in November and for Arizona/New Mexico/California in January and again in March, so if your church may be interested, email my assistant Tammy!
Did You Get My Marriage Newsletter This Week?
27,000 people did. It had the links and write ups on the best marriage posts from August, and then a round up of posts from the blog on what to do if you have to make a decision and you can’t agree. Plus a funny video! If you’re not signed up for my newsletters, you can do so right here!
And now I have to go and do a massive amount of laundry before we start packing. Have a great weekend, everyone!