Too often, when we approach things differently from our spouse, we assume that they’re either bad or wrong, and we’re good and right. But what if we’re just made differently?
On Fridays I like to post a 400-word marriage inspirational piece to give us one thought to get us through the weekend. Today I’d like to encourage all of us to simply understand each other! One caveat: I realize what I’m going to say is a generalization. If you’re a woman with a higher sex drive than your husband, reading this series on what to do when a husband doesn’t want to make love may be more helpful today.
Sheila’s Marriage Moment: The Genders Are Wired Differently, and That’s Okay
Recently I’ve gotten into two interesting debates in the comments. Both stemmed from my posts on sexy questions to ask your husband and sexy questions to ask your wife. In writing those posts, I was thinking: How can you appeal to your spouse’s underlying libido?
In the post of sexy things to say to your wife we got into a very civil discussion (seriously, I wish all discussions were that nice!) about why suggesting a guy help with chores is NOT “pay for play” with regards to sex. He pointed to some other sites that argued that “choreplay” was wrong. I agreed. Demanding a guy perform for sex is unfair. But that doesn’t change the fact that women were created so that we need to be able to concentrate to enjoy making love. And when we’re exhausted, it’s harder to concentrate. Help us not be exhausted and take some things off of our to-do list, and it will be easier for us to get in the mental place where we anticipate sex.
Then on the sexy things to say to your husband post (and several other posts that day) I got pushback on suggesting that women entice their husbands visually. It’s wrong for men to objectify women, they said, and porn makes men ogle women, and I’m suggesting the same thing.
I absolutely agree that it’s wrong to objectify women, and that porn can rewire the brain to make sex impersonal. But that doesn’t mean that men aren’t wired to respond visually, and there’s nothing wrong with a husband enjoying looking at his wife, as long as he’s not feeding a porn habit.
For us women who have to concentrate to make love and who are more relationship focused, it can seem as if men who are visually stimulated are somehow “lesser” creatures. For men who want a thriving, spontaneous sex life, having to woo her can seem as if she’s making him “work for sex”.
And too often, we double down and insist that the other person is somehow wrong and our approach is morally superior.
But what if we’re simply different, and that’s okay? What if men are more visual, and there’s nothing wrong with that? What if women need more warming up and are more relational, and there’s nothing wrong with that, either? It doesn’t mean men don’t value relationships and it doesn’t mean women don’t enjoy sex. We’re just created differently so that we have to reach out to each other, attempt to understand each other, and become more giving. Do that, and it works well. Insist that you’re right and your spouse’s natural inclinations are wrong, and you’ll end up fighting a losing battle, and driving your spouse away in the process.
Have you been struggling with understanding how your spouse sees sex? Does your spouse not understand YOUR libido? Why not work through 31 Days to Great Sex? It’s a series of challenges that will help you talk about sex more, understand each other more, and discover new things–all while having a ton of fun! And the ebook version is just $5!
What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?
This week we have a great mix of topics in our Tops. Which one speaks into the week you are having?
#1 NEW Post on the Blog: How Do Millennials Start a Family if There Are No Jobs?
#1 on the Blog Overall: Top 10 Tips For Initiating Sex With Your Husband
#1 from Facebook: Why I’m Okay 20 Years After My Son Died
#2 from Pinterest: How Do You Handle Sibling Rivalry? Stopping Kids’ Fights Effectively
We’re Hitting the Road!
Keith and I are packing up the RV and hitting the road tomorrow! We’ll be gone for a month, and we’ll be covering a LOT of ground. I’m speaking in Erie, Pennsylvania on Monday night, and then in Michigan next week before ending up in Iowa and Kansas. Then we’re planning to drive to Arizona and just enjoy being there for about a week before flying home for Canadian Thanksgiving.
I’m excited to be speaking again after taking the summer off!
And remember: We’re still booking for Alberta in November and for Arizona/New Mexico/California in January and again in March, so if your church may be interested, email my assistant Tammy!
Did You Get My Marriage Newsletter This Week?
27,000 people did. It had the links and write ups on the best marriage posts from August, and then a round up of posts from the blog on what to do if you have to make a decision and you can’t agree. Plus a funny video! If you’re not signed up for my newsletters, you can do so right here!
And now I have to go and do a massive amount of laundry before we start packing. Have a great weekend, everyone!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Perhaps if there’s pushback against your statements on how a spouse can appear more appealing to their spouse (and I think it is about appeal), there might be an ego trip involved? A moral superiority issue with the pushbacks? We are supposed to be appealing to our husbands and wives (within reason). Anybody read Song of Solomon? They were HOT for each other! She made sure she wore pretty adornments and fixed her hair, and he was in great physical shape and wooed her constantly! No, marriage isn’t supposed to be a tit for tat situation. But it does make the marriage stronger and more love filled if both spouses help the other by fulfilling reasonable needs. Washing dishes is reasonable guys. Wearing a pretty dress once a week is reasonable ladies.
Well put, Angie!
I love what you said about meeting reasonable needs. It’s a powerful tool we have to show love in action. A while ago when I realized how much a simple thing as a massage meant to me (it’s one of my number one love tank fillers) I told it to my husband like this “you know you have the power by simply massaging my back for 15 minutes to take away all the stress of the day (or even week) and make me feel deeply loved” yet if he ignores my need for that kind of touch he can tell me a hundred times he loves me and I wouldn’t mind hearing it, but it would not have the same effect.
So to know our spouses individual needs (and most are simple things to do like you pointed out) and to choose to do them on purpose even though they may not be our most preferred thing to do has such a powerful impact on our relationship. It doesn’t matter if we fully grasp why our spouse need is what it is. In my example I don’t even know myself why a certain kind of massage has such an impact and other things not. All I know is that it works!
Great article. This is one of the most balanced pieces of writing I have read about married sex. Yes, I am clearly visual, and my wife embraces that fact, knowing that she is the one who I love to look at. Yes, helping my wife often does help her focus on things other than the kitchen that needs cleaned or the laundry that hasn’t been done. You really expressed it perfectly.
This goes right along with other posts you’ve written about believing the best about each other. Sometimes we just won’t be able to fully understand our spouce’s perspective. That’s when we really need to be selfless. Maybe it means wearing pretty undies. Maybe it means vacuuming, even if it seems dumb. And this doesn’t need to be limited to sex either! An area where my husband can be selfless is by not “preaching” to me when I vent something to him. And in turn, I can purposely go to him and let him flex his “fix-it” muscles.
I hope I didn’t ramble too much to make sense! ?
Ashley, as a husband, you made perfect sense. I don’t need to understand everything about her perspective to know she needs to be appreciated and feel appreciated. Great comment.
I know we are wired differently the whole Mars and Venus thing but after 43 years she just left me . I just retired 6 months ago and should have realized 3 years ago that all the nitpicking,critisizing,condemning, judgeing, condescending talk,belittling attitude, and not being able to ever do anything right in her eyes or say anything right at all I should have seen it coming. I can never live up to her expectations and now I will lose everything I ever worked for. Being so spiritually minded but no earthly good. My kids are grown but I have 5 grandchildren and its going to be a mess. God is sovereign but I don’t see how.
Oh, I’m so sorry, Craig! That sounds so difficult. I’d just say to hold on to your kids and keep a good relationship with them, and try not to badmouth their mother to them. They’ll see through it eventually. Kids usually do. What a heartbreak, though!
Great post!
The articles always talk about women wanting sex more then their husband. That is not remotely true. The guy begs for sex, and the women never want sex anymore. Me and the wife went from 2-3 times a week to once a week, to now twice a month.
Karl, I’m sorry you’re frustrated in your marriage. But here are the stats: In 30% of marriages, the woman has the higher sex drive than the man. That does mean that in 70% of marriages the guy has the higher sex drive, but it isn’t every woman or every man.
So true! Karl, I am so sorry because I DO know how you feel! I have always been the higher drive spouse. I can count 5 times in 11 years that My husband initiated sex. I’m a girl that wants it every day! Fortunately for us having a baby has mostly killed my desire. Hormones and exhaustion, I guess. So my hubby has gotten a reprieve, lol. I used to be so terribly hurt and enraged because that wasn’t how it “was supposed to be.” And most women DO want to make love. They just need to be wooed a little first! Isn’t she worth that little effort? (Unless she’s the abnormal woman- hateful, selfish, spoiled, and completely lacking true self worth.)
Isn’t it amazing how God made men a certain way and women a certain way so we can relate and learn from each other as a community. Yet He also made us each individual enough so that we can’t just categorize and look through the Mars/Venus lense and find a one fits all method. Each one has to actually relate to their individual spouse to make it work, yet we have the wisdom of a community who can relate to similar issues to help us. So why is it so hard for us to value and appreciate our differences when this is where the true strength of our relationships lies even though it also is where we struggle the most…?
I know! I wonder that, too.
Men and women understanding the other’s sex drive takes a lot of time and talking. I’m still learning about my husband and he is learning about me. Maybe one day we’ll get it. 😀
Not just that, but even after –a decade of marriage, I’m still learning about my own sex drive, as well as my husband’s! It’s a complicated adventure to be sure,but it keeps life interesting!
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Very well said. If we can understand that we are created differently by design, we will have conquered half the battle. Once we come to that realization, then we must communicate our needs to each other not assuming we can read each other’s thoughts. Honest expressions helps both to grow in knowledge of each other’s desires and in closeness.
Love this post. What an insightful article. Both sexes should really understand each other to foster better relationships.
So sorry to hear you were getting push backs on your posts! That must’ve been heartbreaking. Poor you 🙁
I wonder if math could ever help with understanding. If partner A likes sex once a week and partner B likes it once a day then you could reverse it to better understand how the other person feels. A wanting B to have sex once a week would be like someone asking A to only have sex once every 7 weeks. B wanting A to have sex once a day would be like someone wanting B to have sex 7 times a day. Do you get what I mean? Or, even if I am explaining clearly, I wonder if I am right at all.
Honest question here and it may be just a pinch off topic, but still. Why is it thought that men are wired to respond visually and women are not?
In the Song of Solomon, the wife was very visually stimulated. And, in the world, women are always bombarded with photos of hot, shirtless men (which leads me to believe that women are also visually stimulated.) I certainly am. So why is it that Christian women are always told that it is men who are visually stimulated and that we are emotional creatures? Is it not possible that both men and women are both emotional and visual?
It seems to me that women are also visual (isn’t there a reason women like the lake scene with Mr. Darcy?) and that perhaps it is the legalistic, body shaming modesty agenda that has caused women to stop believing that they are also visually stimulated. Could it be possible that men have been told they are visually stimulated and women emotionally stimulated for so long that we have trained ourselves to be what is expected of us? Thoughts?