What do you do when you desperately want more children, but your husband says he’s done?
Every Monday I like to take a reader question and try to answer it, and today’s is a woman in pain over the loss of the dreams of future kids. She writes:
Reader Question
Great question!
And I don’t really have an easy answer. So I’m just going to tell you my story, and I hope that it will help you.
Sometimes a story is all we have, so here’s mine.
I miscarried my first baby. I was a wreck for about a month. Then I got pregnant with Rebecca, who was born happy and healthy, though I worried about her through that whole pregnancy.
Christopher was born next. He was born with a severe heart defect and lived only 29 days.
Shortly after he passed away we got pregnant with Katie. If I was nervous with Rebecca, I was a wreck during Katie’s pregnancy. Plus, she was my third baby in two and a half years. My body was tired. Labour was awful, and she was huge, and I didn’t want to ever have to worry like that again, so afterwards Keith and I decided pretty adamantly, “no more.”
Katie didn’t sleep much, but she did love to be cuddled, which was exactly what I needed. Life was good. And we assumed that when the girls were around 7 and 5 we’d adopt two children. That was always the plan: to adopt a sibling group.
So when Katie was 2, Keith wanted to get a vasectomy. I didn’t have a logical reason to say no, because we were going to adopt and I really didn’t want to go through labour again. But I hesitated, and on the day of his appointment I asked him not to go.
Six months later he made another appointment. Again, I couldn’t come up with a reason to say no. He kept asking me, “But you don’t want any more children, right?” He went through with it. Our biological family was complete.
Four years later I changed my mind.
We had tried to adopt. I don’t want to go into too many details, but there was a sibling group we were interested in, and we realized it couldn’t work for us. It doesn’t matter why. It just no longer was part of the plan.
I had never intended to only have two children to raise. And by this time I felt I could handle another labour, and I could emotionally handle the thought that something might go wrong again. I really wanted a baby.
Keith, however, did not. He liked our life. The girls were awesome, we were having so much fun homeschooling, and we didn’t need another child.
For three years I battled in prayer about this. I remember journalling, “what haunts me is the fact that this will be the biggest regret of my life; that I will go to my grave wishing I had had more children.”
During this time I was also speaking more. I was starting to write; my first book, To Love, Honor and Vacuum, was published. I was often gone on weekends giving women’s retreats, and I did love it. But I knew so many people with big families, and I wanted that for me.
One night, while speaking at a retreat, I heard something from God.
Basically it was about how I had wanted more kids, but God was going to give me an influence far beyond just one more child, and I shouldn’t mourn what I don’t have, but instead look at what He is doing now.
That was around ten years ago.
And you know what? I don’t mourn the kids I didn’t have anymore.
Maybe it’s because I’m in my mid 40s now and getting pregnant isn’t as easy or as healthy. Maybe it’s because I really do enjoy the life that I have, and I love speaking. Maybe it’s because my girls have both grown up well and I so enjoy them, and now I’m looking forward more to grandkids one day. I don’t know. But that pain in my heart, which was once so great, has really vanished.
God doesn’t only want big families
Part of what made my wrestling worse was that I had been reading all kinds of blogs and books from I guess what you would call the “quiverfull” movement that said that since all children were a blessing from God, we should try to have as many as possible.
I believed that. I believed that larger families were more in line with God’s desires than smaller ones. I would look at my friends who had 8 kids and think, “If they had the same views that Keith and I did, then those other younger kids wouldn’t even exist.” And I would mourn those children who weren’t here. I could almost see them.
But I don’t think anymore that God only wants big families. What I see is a God who loves variety; who uses all different expressions of His love in the world to show a different side of Himself. He prompts some to have large families and some to have smaller ones, and that’s okay. My girls are following God, and our family has been used by Him. There’s nothing wrong with it.
When I was caught up in that thinking, though, I was convinced that I knew God’s will but Keith was disobeying it.
That made me see Keith as somehow less spiritual than me and in need of changing his mind. It wasn’t just that we had a difference of opinion; I was obviously right and he was wrong.
That really was toxic. I wish I had gotten over it sooner. Keith grew up in a bigger family than I did; he had a different perspective. He wanted to be able to spend a ton of time with each child, individually. I grew up an only child, and loved the idea of a whole lot of people. We simply saw it differently.
God will use you in new ways
When you have babies and preschoolers and elementary school aged children, being a mom is your main identity. It consumes so much of your time. It’s natural to want that to continue.
But as the kids grow, it really is okay if your focus changes and your dreams change.
Having a baby takes a lot of time. If you offer that time to God, to use in a new way, He will fill it with something that is rewarding and worthwhile if you start living life intentionally like that. Our role here on earth is to be part of bringing the Kingdom of God here. We do that partly through our families, but not entirely. There are important things we can do beyond motherhood. And it’s not always ministry, either! Even in paid work we can expand the kingdom. We can work ethically. We can provide truly good service that helps others. We can create a product that solves a major problem. We can, in our daily interactions, bring peace and love to others. It does matter.
God will give you new dreams
God gave me new dreams, and replaced the ones that haunted me. I think He can do that with you, too. Yes, right now, you may feel huge disappointment that feels as if it will never go away. But that’s not necessarily true. So much depends on how you act from here on out. Are you going to focus on only one way of spreading the kingdom and finding meaning in life and serving? Or can you open your horizons to see that there may be other things that God will use you for?
Don’t get caught up in “But this must be God’s will…”
That doesn’t help anybody. And too often we think, “I’ve missed out on God’s best and now everything else will only be second best.” But did you miss out?
Proverbs 21:1
Your husband is here, right now. Don’t pull back from him for a baby who doesn’t actually exist right now, except in your dreams. Don’t pull back from the kids you have now, or lean on them too hard for emotional support, and miss out on the joy that God wants you to feel everyday for those that you do have.
And God does want you to love your husband. Can you trust that God still has a big life for you, even if it doesn’t look like what you wanted?
That’s my story. I’d love to hear some of yours! Did you struggle with disappointment over not having more children (or not having any children at all?) How did God help heal that disappointment (or are you still on the journey?) Let’s talk in the comments!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I know that my family is done. God may still yet surprise me, but I think we are done. And I do worry about Baby Girl being an only child. But, what I have to do is trust Him – He knows that she is only one with no siblings to play with or to keep entertained with. And He will walk her journey with her. And in that, I have to trust.
I do love how you put this: “Even in paid work we can expand the kingdom. We can work ethically. We can provide truly good service that helps others. We can create a product that solves a major problem. We can, in our daily interactions, bring peace and love to others. It does matter.”
Sometimes I feel so guilty being a working mom and Baby Girl being an only child that I honestly don’t know what to do about the guilt. But, I do know that whatever we do, wherever we are, we can only do our best for His glory. The rest, really, is up to Him.
Thanks, Baby Mama! And as we’ve talked about before, I was an only child and I really am fine! I did a LOT of reading, and I think that helped me in the long run anyway.
Trust is really the hardest thing, but I have seen God carry our kids when I did things that I thought would backfire with them. And God was still bigger than my mistakes or regrets! And if you have peace about where your family is, then God is DEFINITELY bigger than any worry.
Glad you liked it. 🙂
Hi everyone I’m married with 2 children (blended family). I’m 32 with a 9yr old girl and my husbands son that we raised since he was 1 1/2 hes’s 15 now. I’ve been with my husband for about 15 years now and married for 4. He was and is my first love and always thought we would have 5 kids together but that didn’t happen . I’ve had about 5 abortions and one miscarriage all from my husband. The hardest part of it all is that my last abortion was May 19th this year and I-Really wanted to have this child but he didn’t. We own a home and both work but finically couldn’t be able to afford a baby let alone child care. This has been weighing heavily on me because my best friend was expecting the same time I conceived . Needless to say she’s due in December. I find myself dwelling over the fact that I want another child and he doesn’t, my husband is 35 and had his son at 19. I understand that because he had his son so young he wasn’t able to enjoy many things and because of the he wants to not have a baby right now and wants to enjoy having a home and doing things that he might have missed doing because of the financial burden of raising a family. Yet he doesn’t say he doesn’t want to have another child just not right now because we can’t afford it and to me that’s not going to happen because when can you really afford it in this day and age. Everything is just going up in price and time stops for no one. I’ll be 40 in a blink of an eye and hate him for not giving us another child. Is it selfish of me to say that I only bared one child. The only pregnancy I ever experienced with him was hell we were broken up and I had to deal with him not being the man he should have been for me. I feel he owes me a happy pregnancy. I’m I wrong to feel this way? How can I coupe and not hate the man i love?
I love you so I will tell you the truth. God doesn’t want you to have abortions. We are to submit to our husbands when what they are asking us to do is biblical. This is not biblical. God struck a man dead for withdrawing because he knew the child wouldn’t be his. Genesis 38:9 If he doesn’t want to have more children, it is better to get a vasectomy then to murder children as a sacrifice to his selfish god ( himself). I’m on this blog because the man I married said he wanted to have kids and he kept postponing. He wanted a dog more than children. When I finally got pregnant he decided that he wanted to leave with someone else. God changed his heart about leaving but he is back to postponing another child. ” Maybe someday” he says. It hurts so badly to be decieved and to be in submission to a liar. We are called to be in submission to our masters/husbands even if they are wicked. God also asks us to love our enemies. So at worst they are our enemies but we still have to love them. What we don’t do is their wicked commands. If I were you and I were to get pregnant again I would keep the child. The bible sauys that if an unbeliever leaves the marriage let him leave. I would also cry out to God about your relationship with him. Seek out counseling over the loss of those babies.
Hi Sarah,
First, I’m so sorry that the man you’re with keeps threatening to leave and is not a real partner. That’s so sad.
I do think, though, that your views on submission are a little bit off. I’d encourage you to read my series on submission from last year, starting with this post on Abraham and Sarah. I’d also encourage you to listen to this podcast on what “head of the wife” means. It may surprise you.
As for the biblical story about the seed falling on the ground with Tamar, the issue that God was upset about was not that they were “wasting seed”. It was that they were not fulfilling their duties to Tamar and they were just using her as a sexual object. What they were supposed to do was impregnate her so that she would have someone to care for her in old age and so that she could have children. Instead, they were using her. They didn’t want their inheritance to go to their brother (since children with Tamar would be counted as children to her husband), and so they weren’t fulfilling their obligation. It was not about the seed; it was about their treatment of Tamar. You see, God really does care about women. He put all those rules in place in the Old Testament so that women would be cared for, and then these guys were flaunting those rules (and Judah did later, too). We know that God cared about Tamar because it was through her that Jesus came, as well.
Withdrawal is not an abortion, and it is not wrong. I understand you wanting another child, but please don’t heap guilt on others. And I’d encourage you to read the Bible again with new eyes, and see how much God actually provides for women and cares for women. You seem to have a view that we are very much under men, even evil men, and that is not what God intended. They are not our masters. I do feel for you, and I hope you can learn your worth in Christ.
I have read, and reread your blog post. It is helping me as I struggle with this very issue. Thank you so much for writing it. It reminds me to pray and to let go and accept God’s plan, whatever that might be.
Thank you for this post. I’m reading this in tears, in the same exact posture that you talked about being with your husband, and all the things God actually wants for us that may not be all the things I *think* He wants for us. I can’t thank you enough for writing this. For letting God use you this way.
I stumbled upon this blog after researching “What to do if you want more children, but your spouse doesn’t?” I’m so glad that God lead me here. I’m at a low point right now, one that I’ve never experienced before. My husband had a vasectomy when my youngest child was 1 month old. I feel like he and my mom made the decision and I went along with the idea because I felt that I had to, but deep down I knew that this is NOT what I wanted. Here we are 10 years later and I’m mourning the “daughter that I may never have”. I’ve cried, prayed, and now I think it’s evolved into a depression. I love my husband with all my heart, but resentment and bitterness overshadow what are supposed to be happy times. Intimacy isn’t the same because in the midst of “our time”, I’m mentally praying that God allows us to conceive. Talking to my husband leads to him ignoring the questions which angers me, so I don’t bring it up anymore. It remains bottled up and I don’t know what else to do! If it never happens, I pray that God gives me peace as He did for you. 💕
Hi, Sheila!
Just..WOW! Thanks all the way from Russia. My situation is somewhat different from yours, but this article is a great encouragement for me for what God did in my life and is doing even now. He is good and powerful and cares even for small things.
Also, thank you for your amazing blog! I’ve been reading it for awhile and I don’t always agree, but you are surely a godly, honest and intelligent woman and a great encourager.
From Russia with love,
Katya
That’s wonderful! So glad that you enjoy the blog. And glad that I could speak to you today!
I wish I could convince my husband to think about having a baby. For multiple reasons I cannot change his mind. I just turned 40 and he’s about to turn 45. The sorrow and pain in my heart are awful. I don’t think we can adopt either so I will have no siblings, no family outside my father and I feel crushed. I don’t think there’s anything else to say.
Dear sad,
I understand how you feel. I am going through the same thing. I married a guy two years ago (both of us in our 40’s), who promised after a year we would try for a baby (my deepest life desire) and now he is pushing back and saying no. My heart is completely broken. All I know is to pray about it and hope for a change of heart. He has two children from a previous marriage, so I’m expected to be a mom to them but not have one of my own. It is a very difficult position as well as very hurtful. Any suggestions on how to handle this?
Here’s what I did. I convinced my husband to try and see what happens. Then when I ovulated made sure we did it. He was scared at first but is thrilled with his son now (almost 6 months).
Thanks Sheila, this really spoke to me today. My husband is going to have a vasectomy later this week, and I’ve been having kind of a hard time with it. We are a blended family with 4 kids, but no babies together. From the time we started dating my hubby always said he did not want any more, but I somehow thought I would change his mind. Now, it’s 7 years later and he has not changed his mind. I think I have finally accepted that we won’t have any more children but it has been a long and difficult journey.
It is a difficult journey, Rachel! I know that. Just keep taking another step everyday in that journey, and then it will be less what you are leaving behind and more where God is taking you both, together. I hope that makes sense! Peace to you.
This is so tough! When my husband and I got together I was all about career. We agreed to have 1 child and maybe a second once our first was in full time school MAYBE. Our eldest is a joy and I loved being a Mum, it transformed me. Once baby had has 1st birthday I NEEDED to have another. Our second son came along just after our eldest turned 2. My husband was happy, I was happy. When our second son was 16 days old I had a really strong vision from God that we were going to have another baby, a baby girl. My husband was furious. This wasn’t part of the plan. We debated for about a year and then I got pregnant, without realising it!! We now have a lovely daughter who is 2 1/2. My career has long gone, I have been a stay at home Mum for 3 1/2 years. My husband went for a vasectomy before our daughter was born. He said that this was the last baby for him no matter what. I accepted this. Don’t get me wrong I LOVE babies and wouldn’t be sad if we had another, but I am also enjoying our children grow up. We are praying about whether or not to foster in the future. In the meantime I squeeze the heck out of all the new borns I can. Sometimes I get that raw gutteral ache that we won’t have any more, but I try to see it as healthy. I am approaching my mid 30s and my body doesn’t have much biological time left. I see that ache as normal and a reason to love myself, my body works!
I hope you and your husband work through this issue. It really is one of the toughest because there is no way to compromise. You can’t have 1/2 a child but you can provide an amazing home for your family xx
I can understand that ache! But it sounds like you both have a great perspective about this. Thanks for sharing your story!
My story echoes Sheila’s. We had 3 kids in 5 years. By the time the third was born, I couldn’t imagine ever wanting to have more. My husband had a vasectomy when our youngest was just a few months old. By the time he was 2, I was sure we had made a mistake. I thought God loves big families more than small because they’re more open to life and I was so sad. I have gone to God in prayer over this so many times, always praying for peace in my heart and that God’s will and not mine be done. My “baby” turns 5 this week, and I still mourn the babies we won’t have, but God is using me and my family for so many things we couldn’t do if I’d continued having babies. I would suggest being open with your husband about your feelings regarding sex. If you’re resentful about it or about his desire to not have any more kids, it will drive a wedge between you. And above all, pray for peace. This article brought me to tears again for the end of my years being the mom of littles, but I have a sense of peace about it that I didn’t ever think I would have.
I’m so glad, Kelly! And the neat thing is that when you give it a decade or so, you now will have grandbabies to look forward to! 🙂
I really appreciate this Sheila. The variety God creates is beautiful! My life has taken some unexpected turns (whose doesn’t?!). I like the perspective God gave you about a greater influence. The lord encouraged me with the story of the man possessed by demons (Mark 5:18,19). After he was restored, he wanted to go with Jesus. Not a bad desire! But He told him to go back and tell people what had happened to him. The Lord showed me that He just had something different for me.
That’s actually a really neat way of looking at that story! Never thought of that.
Thank you, Sheila. God just used you in a big way. I needed to hear this. It’s comforting to know someone else has been through this kind of challenge and has grown through it. I especially appreciated your words at the end reminding me to love those whom God has graciously already given me- remembering that I have a wonderful husband who is right here and two beautiful healthy children who are here right now to love. That I shouldn’t let mourning the loss of possible future children hinder me in the relationships God already has given me. Also, very convicting to be reminded that I should not be quick to assume that I hear God’s will more than my husband.
Thanks so much for your council on this. I feel sometimes very ashamed and ungrateful that I have these feelings of regret/disappointment when God has blessed me so greatly, but I am still wrestling with it. Praying that God will change my heart if no more children are in His will for me.
Thanks for your support and encouragement. Praying for you as you encourage others!
I’m so glad that this touched you, Rebecca! And, yes, I have often found, much to my shame, that Keith heard God when I didn’t. 🙂
Sheila, thank you for sharing your story as the answer to this question. It’s beautiful how God has worked and the lessons He’s taught you and how you can now encourage others. We are 8 years married, no kids yet. I’ve been to all sorts of extremes, and its still a daily journey and revelation – that God has a unique plan for every person, every couple and just because something is not common does not mean it God is not in it. I love what you’ve said about the different ways God displays Himself through the different flavors of family. And how He redeems our plans and “mistakes” and gives us something even greater. Great encouragement for me, and I am sure for many others that will read it!
Thanks, Ngina! God’s just writing His story on your life right now…but wouldn’t it be nice to know how it all ends? It’s the trusting in the meantime that’s always hard, but God does use these years!
Thank you. I admit that I never wanted a big family, but I appreciate so much what you said about God doesn’t want everyone to have a big family. My son is an ony child and people are confused that we are content. Kids were not the reason I got married. I do feel like I am a minority in Christian circles. Yes, I do believe that children are a blessing from God, but not THE ONLY blessing. I have been blessed apart from my son and believe He will continue to give blessings that include and not include my son.
I will say, my heart hurts for people who want big families and can’t for whatever reason.
I am sorry if this is a rant. Thank you for sharing your story today. I do appreciate it
Be blessed 🙂
Thanks, Jennifer!
I feel like I’m in a unique situation. My husband and I have no kids, and I doubt we will ever try. I have some health problems. I can’t imagine feeling as awful as I sometimes feel and being pregnant on top of it! The even bigger issue is our marriage. What we have now would not be a good environment to raise kids. I’m seeking God to help us change the dynamic of things, but change takes time. Let’s say it takes 5 years from now to get to a really good place in our marriage. By then I’ll be past the age of wanting to start a family.
I didn’t say all that to whine, but to put in a plug for having empathy for people’s situations. My husband and I have been under so much pressure to start a family. But sometimes people’s comments to me can be like rubbing salt into my wounds. People really do have reasons for the decisions they make.
That’s a great reminder, Ashley, that we don’t always know where someone is coming from! Praying for you today. I know you have a lot of challenges. I appreciate you coming here!
I think losing a baby leaves a hole that is never filled. In my perspectives at least. I had my first miscarriage when I was 24 and I became obsessed with having a baby. I think had I waited on the Lord I would have found a bigger blessing in a different way, although he blessed me with a healthy baby soon after that I feel like I rushed it. Had I slowed down and used that season of pain to learn and grow I think I would have gained more of what he intended me to gather during that season. Hindsight is 20/20 of course but that loss created such a “missing piece” that I don’t know I’ve ever felt “whole” again.
I’ve had 2 more miscarriages since then and have 2 healthy happy girls but I don’t know that I’d ever feel done. My husband had a vasectomy when my youngest was 2 and I thought I was done because of the exhaustion and stress but I can’t help but hope we are one of those .1% that the vasectomy reverses itself and I end up with one more:) Silly I know but I think past pregnancies def play a role in how many children you hope to have. They are all a blessing from God, even the ones we never get to hold.
My husband felt very strongly about his decision and I have had to trust many times that he knew better than I did, his rational viewpoint vs my emotion driven one. I have friends and family who continue to get pregnant and have health babies well into their late 30s early 40s and I can’t help but be a little jealous until I am reminded that God has a plan for each of our lives and we cannot compare the size of our family to the size of another.
Loved your perspective on God using your family, that really encouraged me that maybe what I feel is missing is actually complete, my perspective is just what needs to be adjusted. Your articles have been a blessing to me many times.
I’m so glad! Thanks for sharing your story. I’m sorry for all your hurts and the babies you’re missing. It is hard. It really is! But, yes, maybe your family is beautifully complete, and God will use it just like it is!
My husband and I both came from families of 5 children. We love and are tremendously close to our parents and siblings. Family life was a positive thing for us, so when we talked about how many kids we hoped to have, 4-6 was our unified thought. Well, after 3 babies in three years, we were overwhelmed and would definitely have told you our proverbial quiver was full. Especially my husband. He was DONE. But when our youngest turned one, I started longing terribly for another baby. Somehow in the midst of my longing, God’s grace challenged me to pray instead of nag. I didn’t want my husband to just be the unenthused sperm donor to my dream, and I knew that God was able to change my husbands heart if more children were in His good plan for us. So my prayer became: “Lord, if more is what You have for us, give us faith for life. And if not, satisfy my longing.” Six months later, with baby #3 weaned and my body belonging to myself again for the first time in several years, my husband and I were alone on an anniversary trip when we walked by a van full of whining children and a weary mama. I thought, “I’m so glad that’s not me right now.” My husband said, “So when are we going to have another one?” I just about fell over with shock. God had changed his heart. Now 5 years later, we have four children, 2 boys and 2 girls, my blessing-baby is four years old and some would say, “why mess with perfection?”. Hubby is ‘definitely’ done. And my mothering cup in the midst of homeschooling/dyslexia/hearing impairment feels overflowing and maxed out. Yet I still catch myself longing for another little one, feeling like someone is missing. Will we have more? I don’t know. In the past, before kids, we had talked about foster care or adoption too. I don’t know what Gods plan is for this season of our lives. But I’ve taken to praying in my uncertainty, “God, if more in some capacity is what You have for us, give us faith for life.” I do know with certainty that He is the Giver of Life, and I have watched Him move mountains, or move me, when my heart is surrendered and looking to Him as the source of my satisfaction and expectation. Aching for life is a hard thing, whether through infertility, surgery choices, or unwilling hearts. But God is teaching me it can be a platform for my heart to understand what it is to ache and long for HIM. Like the word in Psalms, “As the deer pants for water so my soul longs after You.”
That is so beautiful, Jennie! I just love how you have faith enough to lean on God and really listen to Him. That’s always been my biggest struggle. This was lovely.
Before we married, hubby and I settled on a certain # of kids. After we married he changed his mind and didn’t want any. I was determined and we agreed to get me off birth control and see what happened. Ultimately, we ended up with our certain # before we both agreed to permanently stop having children.
The problem was that because he wasn’t really on board with having children, he was unsupportive. He never went to any of my appointments. I had to beg him to come to the birth. He had very very little to do with the babies and post partum care. I did everything. Ultimately, it hurt me physically and mentally. I had severe PPD, and I am now struggling with fatigue.
I am teaching our sons to be supportive dads and I am teaching our daughters to understand that if they have children against their husband’s will, they will most likely be solo parents. One or two wasn’t too bad, but as we added more it got harder. I couldn’t go anywhere because he refused to watch the kids for me. I couldn’t get a job, even a small one, to help out financially…Even an at home job, because he wouldn’t watch the kids or take on chores so I could dedicate even an hour a few times per week to something besides home and child care.
Anytime I became overwhelmed or sick or just needed a nap or a quiet coffee, I got, “you’re the one who wanted the kids.”
He’s better now. Most of the kids have grown on him and he is good buddies with his favorite. Yes, he has a favorite. But it isn’t as it should be. He tries and provides, but he would have been quite happy childless, or even with just 1 or 2.
So, proceed with caution if he does not want anymore children.
Oh, also, if he doesn’t want anymore, but you do, tell him birth control is up to him. He can track your cycle and use condoms, but you aren’t going to mess with it.
libl, I am so sorry that your husband hasn’t embraced the gifts that God gave him in your kids. I am so sorry that he is still so focused on his own wants and needs. I know that you walk a really hard journey in your marriage, trying to do the right thing when he often seems to not care about your feelings. And I know that I’ve often given some suggestions as to how you can keep trying to walk forward. But I just wanted to tell you today that I really do feel for your pain. Truly.
My husband said we should be done after four, so I put him in charge of birth control. Three pregnancies and two babies later, he finally got a vasectomy. He wanted me to get my tubes tied years before that. He blames me for those children as well as the other four, all of which he agreed to have. Before we were married, he claimed he wanted a dozen kids, but that wasn’t the truth, and now says I should have known he was joking because no one would want more than a couple kids. I refused to get my tubes tied (if he died tomorrow I’d be open to more kids if I remarried) and it took him years to decide that he was okay with the minor vasectomy surgery for him, but he was always fine with the more intrusive tubal ligation for me, even though I am not necessarily done.
Putting him in charge won’t stop him from being resentful and refusing to be responsible if that’s what he wants to do. We’re talking, you and I, about people willing to lie before marriage about how many children they wanted. If some other young woman is in the same spot we were, don’t be surprised if a liar refuses to take responsibility for birth control, and then blames you for his failure.
That’s so tough, Sunny. I’m sorry.
I can’t thank you enough for sharing your story! Two things especially helped me: 1) that you’re not hurting anymore. I have wondered if the ache will ever go away for me. It’s been hurting for five years now. Maybe I’ll be like you, and in five more years I’ll be able to say that the pain is gone. And 2) that you don’t regret it. An older man took us aside and told us that his big regret in life is that he didn’t have more children. That has haunted me. It’s good to hear the opposite from you.
So glad you found it helpful! I do think that God can change our dreams when we really surrender to Him. It’s hard as you walk through it, but on the other side–it’s almost like you forget the pain.
I laughed when i read that God only wants big families. This article totally didnt apply to me… but it kindof did. I have been struggling with the fact that I am so busy with baby after baby to do much else! I always figured that instead of having kids I would take in all of the abandoned and mistreated children . Now with a trainload of kids I can’t even consider fostering, much less adopting. Most days I love life just the way it is, but I see other chuldren and think ” I wish I could raise you too!”
It sounds like you have a huge heart, Vicki! 🙂
I never thought I would have any. But after getting married at 22, the good lord had other plans for me. Fast forward ten years I’m just about to have our sixth. Six. ??? What. I always knew God had big plans for me. I just never would have thought it would be being a mom and to an nature herd of children. It’s amazing how He can take something and make it the most beautiful thing about you. I love my massive brood. We are like a parade everywhere we go.
Six? That’s a big parade! I’m glad you’re having so much fun!
Sheila I think your perspective is extremely important. However, having a baby in your 40s can be just as safe and easy as having a baby in your 20s. My fifth baby was my biggest, at 9 lbs 14 ozs, and it was my easiest labor. I exercised through the entire pregnancy and had a lovely birth at home. We cannot even begin to describe how she has changed our family for the better. My husband and I both thought we were done. God knew otherwise. If anything, having a baby in my 40s is easier than the babies I had in my 30s. I’m more mature, relaxed, experienced, and grounded. My marriage is stronger. Our finances are better. In so many ways, we are better equipped to parent this baby than we were with our first four
I think it would be tragedy for a spouse to have contraceptive surgery without the full, enthusiastic support of the other spouse.
Wow, that is encouraging! Thank you for that perspective; I think it’s important.
I am so glad you wrote this. We just walked a similar road over the last few years. Husband was done. I wasn’t sure. Many tearful conversations about it. and I felt my resentment grow because clearly I had a more spiritual viewpoint about this. Over time, God really got ahold of me and showed me how prideful I was being. I finally just started praying that we would be of one heart, no matter what that was. And I started realizing that I like the ages our kids are now. Then a couple of family members became very ill and we are able to help them out whereas if we had an infant or were pregnant right now that would be much harder. I’m still not sure if our family is complete, but maybe we’ll be honorary parents to our kids’ friends. Or maybe we will adopt. Or maybe we won’t. But God knows and His plan is good.
I was just talking with God on my walk about how prideful I can be, too! And so often I do that in my marriage. It really stops what God is trying to do.
I’m glad you’re able to be there at this stressful time for relatives. I hope that the road isn’t too hard. Blessings!
Wowzers! What a truckload of responses! I’ll throw in my two cents. I have to ask the question “Why?” Why does she want more children? Is it a biological yearning? An unfullfilled emotional need masquerading as a need for another baby? I have to be logical about these things. A lot of times our “wants” are NOT what we NEED, or even good for us or the family. People scoff at us for not wanting more than one kid but they don’t know my emotional or physical state or the state of our marriage or the stress of having extra family members (elderly father in law) already in the house. You should really communicate extra when it comes to children and come to a mutual agreement somehow or it can be disastrous.
So true!
I agree that you have to ask the question ‘why?’ Also the question ‘why not?’ The answers to these questions can be a great start to working out ‘where to from here?’
I also think that it is unfair to assume someone lied about how many kids they wanted before marriage if it later turns out not to be that number. Different circumstances can certainly lead people to change their minds! Personally, when it was pregnant the original plan was 2 kids, then with the flood of hormones after birth I thought maybe 4? I went to work part time when my son was 1, thinking we would have another in about a year, but then I found that we didn’t want to, our family felt ‘balanced’. Throughout the years since then we have thought about adding to our family, sometimes the answer was ‘no freaking way!’ Other times it felt like a possibility.
Where I’m at now is basically that I know I would be ecstatic if it did happen, but also that our family is already ‘complete’ just as it is.
Yes, struggling with this right now. Thank you!
I grew up with many large families getting the idea that that’s the only big plan God has for me. Husband says a hard no. I’m heartbroken. This article helps a lot identifying possible wrong assumptions and than addresssing the here and now husband and current kids and looking for what plans God does have for me instead of fitting them into a preconceived assumption of big family.
I struggled with this for years! My son, who is now 11, has several genetic disorders, which while not life altering, do require maintenance and A LOT of Dr. visits. My daughter is 2 years younger and was a VERY DIFFICULT baby. She was born 5 weeks early and spent the first 2 weeks of her life in the NICU on a machine to help her breath. She developed reflux at a day old, and food intolerances at 2 weeks. She only slept 1/2 hour per every 3, and I was miserable for about 6 months. I always wanted 4 kids, my husband, who was an only child was happy with one, and considered 2 our compromise. When my daughter was 2, and still not sleeping more than 3 hours at a time, mind you, I developed a serious case of baby fever. All I could think of was having another baby or two. My husband on the other hand was DONE!!! We had 2 high maintenance children, and I hadn’t slept through the night in 2 years. He is always very good about, making sure that we make decisions together, but on this point he was putting his foot down. He eventually got a vasectomy, which I was not happy about, but went along with it. To soothe my hurt feelings he even tried getting me a new car. (I hated driving the van, so we got a station wagon) but I couldn’t put babies out of my mind. It took me until my daughter started 1st grade at 5 years old, that I started to come around. The full day at school was what finally got her sleeping through the night. We found out by this point that both kids have ADHD, and her stomach issues had gotten worse. So that added 2 more Dr.’s to the list of 5 or 6 that we already see for my son. I was more involved at Church than ever, and loving every minute of it. About 1/2 way through the school year, I realized that not only hadn’t I thought about having another baby in months, but I also realized that, I actually didn’t want any more kids. I had my hands full with the two I had, and didn’t want to add more to worry about. I enjoyed sleeping again!! And I loved my station wagon, and knew that if we had more kids. I would have to go back to driving the dreaded minivan. ? Now that we are about to start 4th grade and 6th grade, I wonder what I was thinking! I just went back to work, in a job I am absolutely loving. I get to spend all the time I want with the two kids, and I have enough energy to parent the way I need to, with two ADHD children with Learning Disorders, one of whom is extremely strong willed, and smart as anything, and will find any loophole she can.
Obviously if God had given us more children, I would love them as fiercely as I do the two I have, but looking back on it, I am so very grateful that we were done after the 2 we have. They take a lot of energy, and with more, especially with our genetics, I don’t know that I would have the energy or time to devote to my husband and now myself, that I have now.
That’s a great perspective! Thank you for sharing your story. (And two years without sleeping through the night? I would have been a basket case! 🙂 )
In the end it was actually closer to 4, by the time she would reliability sleep all night by herself, but it did get much better after she turned 2. My husband would tell you I was a basket case! I don’t remember it that way, but a mom’s memory is funny that way. When it comes to our children we tend to “forget” all the hard stuff, and only remember the powder soft skin, and snuggles from a newborn, or the “perfect day at the park” or any order fantastic memory.
No matter how we try to convince ourselves otherwise, giving up the dream of having more is choosing self denial and putting the desires of your spouse before yours. Unless they do the same and give up their dream for you, it is not ok and never will be. It’s awful. The repressed dream never disappears… it becomes an acceptance you choose to make in order to survive in the reality you choose. God isn’t in the business of supporting one spouse’s voice louder than the other. There should always be compromise, not denial.
Oh Sheila! I am a little over a year married now, and I always thought I would wait until my late 20’s at least (I’m 24) before having children, but lately I can’t stop thinking about babies! Hubby says we should wait a couple of years until we’re more financially stable (lots of student loan debt, small apartment), and I know he’s right, but it feels sometimes like I’m just biding my time waiting for my “actual” life to begin. Thank you for this perspective!
I know it’s hard! My daughter (named Rebecca too) is in the same boat–they know it’s wise to wait, but they’d love to start sooner! But God has a plan for these years, too.
I think in this case, where both want kids but it’s wiser to pay off debt first or finish education or whatever you could adjust your perspective and start working towards your dream of having a baby not by getting pregnant quicker but by maybe using some of your extra time to pay off debt quicker or finish your degree early if possible or max up your savings or try to live on one income if you plan to be a stay at home mom… You could put the second income towards debt and savings. What I am saying is, don’t sit around wishing for a baby sooner if you can actually do some good things who will make your start as a family with a baby easier! Those things are part of realizing your dream of having babies. We didn’t have a high income when I started staying home with the baby but we had and have zero debt and that made a world of a difference.
Thank you for sharing your story. I’ve recently had to go through the struggle of letting go of my dream to have more children. I have 3 kids and always wanted more. For a couple years after our 3rd was born, my husband said he didn’t want anymore. I hoped and prayed that he would change his mind and eventually he did. It felt like a dream come true and I began to anxiously await the month that I would finally see a positive pregnancy test. After some time, we were still unsuccessful and then I went in for my regular checkup with my ob/gyn. I was made aware of a medical issue I have that could possibly make another pregnancy unsafe for me and the baby. We had to make the difficult decision to stop trying to conceive. It felt like a huge blow to me. It has been about 7 months now since we had to make that decision and it still hurts. I’ve struggled with pain and jealousy as I watch other women around me have their 4th (or more) child. I’m glad to know that I am not alone in going through this. I do know that it is normal and ok to grieve. I try to let myself do that when the pain hits. I also choose to focus on the 3 kids that I DO have and thank God for them. God has seen me through so much in life and I know he will see me through this process of “letting go of my dream.” I hope and pray that other women struggling through this process as I am will be able to trust the LORD as well. Blessings to you for sharing your story. I greatly appreciate it.
I’m so glad it helped you, Leigh!
And God can do amazing things with your life, just as it is now. It’s okay to grieve, but just know that one day the pain really won’t be as bad!
Hi Sheila,
Thanks for your comments but I think it needs to be said that personal experience should not come into any of our decision-making. What does the Bible say about children and families? Not, how do I feel or what do I want or need.
He says children are a blessing and we are also told to be fruitful and multiply. I would be the first to agree that having babies until our bodies fall apart or we hit menopause is just downright unwise but I do think there is a Biblical mandate here for a large family ie. at least 2 or 3.
I had 6 children under the age of 6 and was devastated when my husband said no more. Just like so many other women who have commented I had to accept what God was telling me through my husband. But now that we have just about finished homeschooling some of them and some are at university, I am so grateful to my husband and God for not giving me anymore. They were both right!!
So, yes, the number of kids we have is personal and must reflect our circumstances but I think we must be very careful not to base this decision, or any other, on how we feel or what is convenient or least painful!
So are the women to whom God gives no children or one child not fruitful or multiplying? There are many women who face infertility or secondary infertility to whom that statement is a slap in the face. What about the woman whom God has called to faithful singleness and celibacy? There are other ways to be fruitful and multiply. The most important Biblical mandate is to share the Gospel, not to have children.
Elise,
I think you may have misunderstood my comments and I would encourage you to read them carefully again.
The Biblical mandate does refer to having children in the context of marriage. Obviously in a fallen world this is not always going to be the way of things for everyone. ie. singleness or infertility. I’m not sure how a Biblical idea could be “a slap in the face”.
I also acknowledged that how many kids we have is “personal and must reflect our circumstances”. You will notice I had to abide by my husband’s reasonable decision that we couldn’t afford more than 6. This took many years to come to terms with.
My point was that we should always begin with a Biblical precept or idea and base our decision making on that instead of personal preference.
Ruth,
I have lost a son, had 2 miscarriages and have 2 boys at home. I also have pcos which makes getting pregnant very difficult. Children are a blessing but some situations prevent people from having children at all or from ever being able to bring home a living child. I have many friends who will be beyond thrilled if they can even have 1 child. I am thrilled and blessed to have my 2 living children. God told them in the Bible to be fruitful and multiply and to fill the earth, I’m pretty sure the earth is already filled. So it is our responsibility once we have kids to raise them to be Godly, but sometimes a lot of children, or even 2 children are not possible. It it fine if a family chooses 1 child or can only have one or 2, that doesn’t make them less holy than those who have many children. Smaller number of children doesn’t equal unrighteousness. I would love to have more children, but it is not to happen for us with our medical history. Saying that having children is not based on how we feel or what we want or need is a bit of a stretch. I do believe there are many situations where God does want us to look at what we need and then make a decision from there. What we need as a family is important. I think we have to be wise in any decision we make. If you literally cannot afford more children, do you keep having them? If you have awful pregnancies, do you put yourself through misery? If you keep losing baby after baby, do you keep putting yourself through heartache? If you have severe PPD do you risk your mental health?… What if God has called you to bring people to Himself though your work? Or through a ministry? And not through child bearing. God calls people to different lives and different things. The bible mandates multiplying only when the earth is unpopulated. It speaks of children being a blessing and how a man with children is blessed and how a woman with a full womb is blessed too. But my 2 living kids are just as much of a blessing as my friend’s 5 living children. And I know I am in the will of God for my life.
These sorts of comments are hurtful because I spent years wanting a baby not able to have one and all of the people who used that verse, it was like a stab in the heart. I came from a family of 5 and my parents wanted more but could not afford it. I know what it is like to have a large family and it was wonderful. But my little family is wonderful too!!!
SL,
I think you have also misunderstood my comments and I would encourage you to read my post again.
Obviously in a fallen world there are going to be those who are infertile or single and therefore can’t obey this mandate. I did actually say that how many kids we have is “personal and depends on our circumstances”.
My point was that we should start with a Biblical principle and base our decision making on that and not our personal feelings.
Hello
I am 44. I have one child, he is 12.
I am divorced.
I am struggling.
My heart is screaming for
another child.
I would have to have this child on my own.
Time is running out.
What shall i do ?
Foster or foster to adopt
I believe people should NOT take permanent steps regarding birth control unless both parties are in complete agreement. If you had been totally honest with Keith the second time, perhaps he would not have gone ahead with his surgery. My cousin had 6 children and yet wanted more. Her husband refused and got the surgery. Several years later he decided he had been wrong and went and had a reversal. They have since had “two bonus boys.” People should truly seek God for what is right for them. As others have said, “What if a partner dies” and you wish to have another child in a new relationship? I had my first child at 37 and the second at 43. In many many cases my daughter would not be here because people would have already made permanent birth control decisions before that age. I was supposed to have a hysterectomy but cancelled as I did not feel right about allowing the doctor to mess with my body. If someone chooses to do so, fine. But I could not reconcile it myself. There are many non-permanent methods of birth control that can be used. Just my two cents.
Sheila, I really loved your post and especially how you pointed out the issue of one partnet believing she or he is hearing God’s will right and assuming the other is wrong. Especially in this issue of how many children women are simply way more emotional than men. I often wonder if the desire for another baby is really the desire to bring another person into this world to love upon and raise or if it is more the longing to hold onto the beautiful emotions that come with having a newborn, nursing, feeling close and cuddling a baby. Most women get all emotional when seeing or holding a baby and that is good and beautiful. But it does not automatically mean we need to keep having babies. It just means that our motherly instinct is working.
I also believe that to be fruitful and multiply means yes that we as a church culture should reflect an opened and love for children and welcoming them as blessing (instead of seeing them as bothersome noisy interruptions of our selfish lifestyle like much of the world does) but it is not a mandate on the number of children we should biblically have. God’s purpose for us is to bring his kingdom to this earth and to share the gospel both within our families and towards the outside world. The family unit can be a beautiful reflection of God’s heart toward man. The church has the very same role. There should be no condemnation towards those who can’t or decide to not have children in order to serve God with their full attention in different areas of need.
Another aspect to consider is that it is actually an illusion that we decide how many kids we have. Contraception, especially permanent methods and also fertility treatments are our human ways of trying to control something that actually we can’t. God is the giver of all life, and ultimately he is in charge of how many children he gives to each one of us. Sometimes our desire may differ from his plan and I believe we have to let Him work in our hearts just like you said in your post. That being said, I do believe that we do need to be mindful about how we approach having children and do steps toward in the direction we think is reflects God’s will for our life. If we truly believe we should not have anymore children I think it is perfectly fine to do a surgery. If we think we should wait some more we should use some kind of method to avoid conception for the time being. Since we have this knowledge now, we are also responsible to act upon this knowledge. But God is still in charge. He can give a baby to the most hopeless case of infertility, he can overcome tunes that have been tied and he can also not give you a child but to use you to be fruitful in a completely different way.
I am currently pregnant with our 4th and most likely last child. Before that I always felt like I am not done yet with having children, so I kept our basic baby gear and favorite clothes and maternity clothes. I don’t ovulate while breastfeeding until around 16 months, so we never really used contraception in between babies. But this time around, right when I became pregnant something changed in me. All of a sudden I am like that’s it, once we knew that it’s a boy I got rid of all the newborn girl clothes. I plan to get rid of everything this baby outgrows, I’ll sell my maternity cloths after this pregnancy, because I am done! But I am also aware that God may give us a surprise down the line and if so he’ll also provide for it. The getting rid of stuff for me is like saying to God “I am done, I think this is according to your will, so I am moving on”. Regarding contraception I am not yet sure what we’ll do… I don’t like the idea of doing something permanent and I don’t want to use hormonal methods because of the negative health effects. so we’ll see where that goes, I should have a year of breastfeeding to think about that…
Lydia,
I love LOVE what you said about God being in control of how many children we have. So many people, even Christians, seem to forget this. The Bible clearly states that it is God that opens the womb. At this point, my husband and I are not likely to have a family. I went into my reasons in another comment. But I’m fully aware that if God wants me to become pregnant, I will, no matter our method of prevention. Anyway, thanks for your comment. 🙂
Absolutely! That’s what I often say in my birth control posts too, and what I’ve told my married daughter. You can make all the plans in the world, but ultimately God is in control, and we MUST welcome that. Or else it’s not really surrender.
I’m reading this blog almost daily, because it produces so many light bulb moments in my mind and in my heart – thank you, Sheila! The many occurrences of vasectomy in today’s comments prompted me to share my own history with it.
Since my teenage times I was 100% confident, that there was no god (he wouldn’t have allowed the evil I saw everywhere), I deemed marriage to be an impossible and foolish thing, and at an age of about 25 I decided to have a vasectomy because “to add children to this bad world would be very irresponsible” – and for other more selfish reasons.
A few years later, god surprisingly showed up in my life and slowly started to transform my heart – and of course he is not finished yet. I changed my mind about children and marriage, and at 37 I married. My wife and me, we both wanted to raise children, and by a simple medical procedure the vasectomy was reversed successfully. Using a microscope, I saw those little sperms moving!
Anyway, god decided otherwise. In spite of good medical examination results of both of us, more than twenty years later now, we have no children. He gave us other “jobs” to do, while we are still learning to listen to him, to put him first, to obey and all of those “difficult” things.
I have been reading your blog for a while now. I cannot even remember how I stumbled upon the blog a few years back but I am thankful I did. You have provided some wonderful food for thought. This topic however just hit home for me when I saw it in my inbox. My life is in a “similar” situation.
My husband and I cannot have kids. I will spare you the entire IVF medical /foster care/crazy adoption adventures we tried about 6 years ago to have kids… we let go, grieved, and decided on us. Then 2 years ago my sister-in-law had a son and CPS was removing baby from Mom as her “poop was totally not in a group” and father was unknown. So we took in our nephew 3 days old from hospital! This was one of the HARDEST journeys we have ever traveled to date (Again will spare you all the hot and messy drama involved with fostering your nephew). Fast forward… We were able to adopt our Son this past April at 20-months old – blessings. In the meantime his birth mom gave birth to a daughter whose father is involved, then this past July just a week before our son turned two she over-dosed and died. HOT-HEAVY-MESSY-HARD …BUT… It has brought up the whole kid thing again. I know we cannot have them biologically and the whole foster/adoption thing seriously KILLED us… like wrecked us hard.
So I wanted to thank you for this post and your wording of my newest food for thought… “God will use you in new ways”… that is how I am feeling lately I just have not been able to articulate it; I just am having a hard time letting go again.
Thank you for all you do!
I am there. I found this article on Pinterest. My son is about to be 5 and when he was 2 we decided he was going to have a vasectomy. He had trouble when he was born, but praise God he’s perfectly healthy now but pregnancy and his first few months were traumatic. Plus neither one of us have much help in the way of parents so we had to rely on each other a lot. But the last year I have longed for a baby desperately. I feel bad even mentioning it to my husband and I have even prayed for God to just do a miracle. I pray I can let this go of its not what he wants for me. But it’s hard. I have no one to talk to about it. Thanks for your article. I just pray I can trust Him more.
I think it would be worthwhile to read this link. It starts with pointing out that all denominations, whether Protestant or Catholic, rejecting birth control until about 100 years ago, and also gives the Biblical basis for avoiding contraception.
http://www.catholic.com/tracts/birth-control
This is a great testimony; I really think that your story and insight will bring many people healing. Children are a blessing, but the pressure in Christian circles to pump out as many kids as long as you’re able can have some negative results. I love how you emphasized the hope of life beyond your disappointment, and how God has such a bigger vision for women than how many children they have.
Just realize that it’s not always the wife wanting another baby, and the husband does not. I, the husband, desperately want another little one.
I usually agree with and love the posts on this blog but today I feel compelled to ask a few more questions. I should preface by saying I do not believe morally we should “have as many children as possible” and that valid reasons to avoid conception certainly exist however if God designed sex to be unitive and procreative then doing anything that inhibits the possibility of conception while still enjoying the pleasure of sex seems like at the very least a misuse of God’s gift. Another example would be eating a whole cake because it tastes so good and then making yourself throw up so you don’t have to deal with the consequences of all those calories. It’s a misuse of food. Furthermore, sterilization is a difficult concept for me to grasp because it takes a perfectly healthy organ and ruins it. Again, there are very valid reasons to avoid pregnancy but sterilization seems like instead of declining dessert because you are full from a meal, you swear off dessert forever… That would be crazy! Natural Family Planning teaches a couple about the woman’s fertile and infertile cycles and empowers the couple to use sex as God truly intended. We’ve been using it for four years now and cannot recommend it enough… I like it even more than sweets 😉
You must be Catholic just like me.Only difference is that I still haven’t understood how the natural planning works.Like,every couple that I know that uses the NFL has lots of kids (do you know Jason Evert?they ‘re about to have their 7th kid).that was one example because he is famous among catholics.but it is the same thing with the other couples I know.it really gives me a hard time understAnding that
We used natural family planning. It worked for years, however once you get around 30 your body may begin dumping eggs multiple times a month to prepare for menopause in several years, while you will continue to only menustrate once a month. The month I got pregnant with my youngest was the month before we had originally planned to start trying for our next baby, but had (in that same week) decided to wait 2 more years lol.
So it can be effective, but it is by no means foolproof, and even the Pope is saying that birth control should be used due to Zika. There’s a lot of cases in certain parts of Florida and of course in Central America.
With natural family planning you figure out which week you ovulate, which for most women happens around the same point in their cycle, and then you don’t have sex until completion during that time. My ovulation actually falls in a different week than most women’s, and the month I got pregnant I was 100% I had already ovulated because I had been taking ovulation tests to prepare for trying to have a baby. We abstained for weeks and then the day before I was supposed to start my menstruation was the day he was conceived lol.
Another thing with NFP is that you have to abstain from sex during the fertile part of a woman’s cycle, which is when she will naturally be the most ‘up for it’ – which can be a bummer for the wife!
It really depends so much on your doctrine, I personally don’t think that birth control is wrong, but I am a wreck on hormonal birth control, so we practice a combination of NFP & barrier methods.
Thank you for this, Sheila. Even though my husband and I are not in a situation exactly like this, your thoughts were so encouraging. I had always imagined having many children when I got married, but then I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and because of my health and low energy I’ve had to accept that I will probably only be able to have 2 or 3 children at the most. But my hubby and I trust that God planned our family long before we even met and that He doesn’t make mistakes. We’re excited to see how He will grow it in the years to come.
So as a single woman who wishes to marry and start A family some day,this confused me.Arent babies a topic you’re supposed to talk about BEFORE marriage?I’ve always heard that things like : babies,faith and finances should be discussed before you say your I do’s.That way,you agree and know how many babies you’re going to have.or I could be wrong ?
My husband and I discussed it plenty before marriage, but minds change once the reality of kids actually enters the picture. Expectations can be very different from reality.
Thank you for writing this. I have always wanted 6 children, but planned on having at most 3 biologically. I knew I wanted at lEast 4 children.
When I got remarried, I went from being a mom of one to a mom of 3. My husband did not want any more children, but he knew before we started dating that to be with me in any type of serious relationship that not having more kids would be a deal breaker for me, so he had agreed we could have one more child. He wasn’t sold on the idea of adopting bUT he lives kid so I was relatively certain I could convince him to either have more biologically or to eventually adopt.
When our 4th child was born, my c-section was a terrifying experience and I knew that I couldn’t have more biological children. My youngest was also so demanding that I knew that I could not even contemplate adoption for several years. My husband, however, was adamantly done. It hurt for a while, because I always knew that part of God’s plan for me was to raise children I had not given birth to, just as I benefited from adoption when I was born. It took a long time to come to terms with the fact that I would not fulfill this part of my life.
Now, more and more, I feel that my family is complete. Rather than go through the process to become a foster family, I pray that if God wants me to adopt, then to please put the child on my life outside of the system. I have reached contentment because I know that my husband will gladly adopt a child that has already been presented to us and needs a family, he has said as much. I also am already blessed enough to have my 2 non bio children to love every day.
It’s difficult because there were things I never got to experience. I never got to dress a baby girl in adorable dresses and bows and play with her with her dolls. There is a sense of loss. Fortunately, my youngest is such a handful that the loss has been filled and replaced with exhaustion lol. In the end, I’m where God wants me and I couldn’t really ask for more than that.
Thank you so much for sharing your story and for this question being sared. I am in this situation as we speak. We had planned on adopting a baby who is due in October and I was so excited! I have always wanted to adopt one day and this situation came up to us and I agreed right away. Maybe that was the problem, I didn’t wait to see the whole situation. Anyway, the bio-mom has changed her mind and I now have a empty nursery full of baby clothes, diapers, and a crib. I can’t stand to pass by this room and have begged my husband for us to try and have one of our own. He says, he is done though. That we have two healthy girls and we shouldn’t ‘chance’ it with another. I don’t feel like it is fair for him to make the final choice in this matter. I feel like it’s my desire to be a mom, that being with kids is what I love to do , and it is my body that carries them, so why does he get deny that? I pray I get to where you are today!
Thank you so much for sharing your story! We’re actually dealing with the opposite problem in our house. My husband wants more kids than I do. He came from a large family and has always wanted 6 kids. I was completely on board with it until I had my first and am now pregnant with my second. At this point I would be completely content with 4, but he still has his heart set on 6. I REALLY don’t want to have kids past 40, so to keep a schedule like that we would have to have all 6 kids exactly 2 years apart or less. My first and my second will be exactly 2 years apart and it’s so unbelievably overwhelming now to picture the next 10 years of only being pregnant or breastfeeding. It’s causing some major anxiety, but my husband refuses to talk about it (or when we do talk about it, he acts afterwards like it never happened and keeps talking about 6 kids). I think he just thinks that if he talks about it enough, I’ll get over it and have six. But I’m feeling misunderstood because he doesn’t realize how unbelievably hard it is on my body to be pregnant and nurse and as a result I’m feeling like I’m falling apart. I feel like it’s my body that carries them and nurtures them for so long, shouldn’t I have a say? I’m sure we’ll get it worked out someday, but right now I’m so completely troubled by it 🙁
Oh, Chelsea, I know that’s tough! But you know what? Just take one step at a time. You’re dealing with enough right now with your current pregnancy! You don’t know what’s going to happen in the next few years, so I’d just say don’t think you need all the answers now. I’ve done that so much in my life–trying to answer all of the What Ifs years before I need to. It’s emotionally exhausting! Just do the next thing. That’s all. God rarely tells us anything six steps ahead–He just tells us stuff here and now. And here and now, you have a toddler and a baby coming. That’s enough to deal with! 🙂 Hope you get some rest!
I don’t disagree with anything you said (how could anyone disagree with your own story) but this topic irks me. It isn’t fair men get the final say and women cry for two decades wishing they could mother more.
God can help us come to terms with nearly anything, that doesn’t mean it was right or good to begin with, just that he’s merciful and compassionate in our pain.
My mother’s helper is newly married and wants kids. Her husband wants to wait 10 years!!!! He also, of course, wants to have sex every single night. I jokingly said he’s lucky she’s honest and takes her pills regularly. But really, he is. She’s not going to deceive him into becoming a dad but he refuses to talk about it for years. He’s enjoying himself, though, so no worries.
I actually think that’s a really good point, RN. And I don’t think the husband should get the final say. I think you both need to sit down and hash it out and hopefully come to an agreement. But when that’s not possible, then I guess people have a choice. You can grow bitter about it, or you can move forward.
As for your friend on the Pill–yeah, that’s really a tough one! He is lucky she’s honest.
Great point about not getting bitter. I’ve got my hands full of kiddos but get angry on behalf of these women. I must be badly codependent ?
We had our agreed #, a surprise, then an agreed vasectomy. 3 of the 5 I said “tonight we’ll get pregnant so let’s make it happen” and each time he said “Are you sure we’re ready?” But he wanted to do it more than he cared to really answer that so here we are. Ha.
If you’re badly codependent, I must be a wreck! You should see how worked up I get with all the emails that come flooding into me…. 🙂 God, help me to keep perspective and not fly off the handle….
I’m almost 40 and was never able to have more children after a brief teen pregnancy. Every day I beg God to take this desire away from me. The hardest part for me isn’t learning to live a life with no children, it’s learning to live with this overwhelming desire that borders on obsession and to be completely powerless to do anything about it. I’ve surrendered it to God but i still feel this painful desire. I just wish if He has other plans for me then he would change my heart to match His will. Thank you for re article. I need to be reminded that even if God’s plans don’t match mine, I can still be useful in His kingdom.
Oh, KD, that must be such an ache! I’m so sorry. I can’t imagine going through infertility. But God can use you in other ways. And I think of that line from Laura Story’s song “Blessings”–“What if my greatest disappointments or the aching of this life Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy?” Perhaps that’s cold comfort, but I think it’s truth. Life just isn’t fair on this side of heaven, and maybe that makes us realize that this isn’t our home at all.
Thank you for this! It took 8 years for God to change my husbands heart and allow us to have one child. I want more! But if it takes 8 more years I’ll be 100 years old! 🙂 Thank you for reminding me that I can be useful for the Kingdom with or without more kids. I was serving God before I had my son and I can continue to serve Him as a mom of 1 or a mom of however many God wants to bless us with.
I love this blog and recommend it to all my friends!
Thanks for the great article Sheila! I am stuck in the reverse situation. My husband and I have 2 boys, who are 2 years apart in age and now that the youngest is about to turn 2, my husband is insisting we try for a girl.
I had horrible pregnancies and really did not enjoy being pregnant. I had severe pelvic distortion that meant I had to sleep sitting up for the entire duration of both pregnancies (an excrutiating experience) and prevented natual birth. I had gestation diabetes and had to prick my fingers 8 times a day to test my sugar levels (more excrutiaing). I’ve suffered through 2 c-sections (with recovery being horrible) and how I have to were the keloid scar for the rest of my life. I am covered in a torent of stretchmarks, I have lose skin only a tummy tub could get rid of. My boobs are as flat as an ironing board. My body has been ravaged by pregnancy and breastfeeding. I cannot for the life in me imagine going through that again – not for anything.
He’s got no good reason to want a 3rd child except to say he’s always dreamt of having 3 children. Well his “dream” and my reality are irreconcilable and I just dont know what to do. I’ve had a copper-T inserted to safeguard against pregnancy and am falling just short of having my tubes tied without his knowledge. This is now a very sore topic in our home and we cannot discuss it without ending up fighting. He feels denied his dream, I feel used, in pain and exhausted. I really feel like I would resent or even hate the baby if I had to fall pregant again, and that is not at all the right frame of mind to have when expanding your family.
I’m completely at a loss. What do I do?
Thanks for sharing your wise words on this delicate issue. My husband is an only child and I have three siblings. When we finally decided to had a child (I wasn’t ready for the longest time), I was in my late 30s and my husband was in his early 40s. But if we were having one I definitely wanted two. I thought I’d be able to convince my husband that another child would be wonderful but he’s not budging. We recently had “the talk” and basically, he says that he feels too old and that we waited too long. He doesn’t want to have sex because he doesn’t want another child. I feel like my dreams and very identity have been crushed. He’s not a Christian yet so it’s not really something we can pray about as a couple. I know I need to bury the thoughts of another child but it hurts like hell right now. As I give away all of my son’s toys and clothes it feels like I am mourning the death of not just a child but the death of a large part of myself. Your words are helping. I know God will help me through this, and I pray He will help me not to harbour bitterness and resentment toward my husband. It’ll just take a little time.
I needed to read this!!! I’m praying for God to give me direction on having another baby. My husband and I tried for 6 years before our daughter was born. We survived 7 surgeries and 5 miscarriages but knew that we would eventually be parents. The thought of never having another baby makes me so very sad but I realize that may be God’s plan for us. I honestly wish we could be surprised with a healthy baby. Prayers for peace and direction for us all!
very nice story.
is not easy to hear from your husband that he doesn’t want more babies, that he is just done. I got married a month again after 8 years of being with him, he had 3 kids from his last marriage and I have one.
yesterday we were talking about having kids and he said no, he literally said I quote “I don’t want more children”
it really broke my heart, he said that we are enough. isn’t that selfish?
I don’t know what to do. im so sad and so disappointed.
I see that this is an old topic. Sheila had a great story, and I am so glad she is open to hearing God and finding her peace in Him.
I’ve been married 20 years with 7 living children, and have been through late miscarriages, and rainbow babies.
There was a time years ago when my husband did not agree to having another child for about 15 months. I actually closed my mouth and decided to pray instead of nag for about 9-12 months during that time. It was really hard. A rough point in our marriage, for sure. I even remember the sex issue being a bit rough for me for awhile… It’s hard to use birth control when you want another baby so badly. Interestingly, when my husband changed his mind, I was pregnant within a week. It was beautiful how God worked. Looking back on that time, I think that the age-gap was a blessing to our family. I have seen something similar in the life of one of my dearest friends as well. There are 2 times her husband did not agree to another child for awhile… but she’s expecting #9.
I will be the first to admit that having a large family takes a LOT of faith, and I don’t believe it’s God’s plan for everyone…. I *do* think that fertility was meant to be a gift. Children are meant to be a gift whether they come from birth of adoption. I believe that the best marriages will be in very honest communication and in complete agreement with each-other and with God before making big decisions about family. I’ve heard too many stories of regret to take these decisions lightly… I have even felt the jealousy of others ( who made permanent decisions) when they learned that I was pregnant. These decisions can be difficult to un-do, so we MUST hear from God before following through with them. My wish for every couple is just to get in full agreement with God and then be at peace, even if it takes time. There should be no rush when we are waiting to hear from God and be in agreement ( as a couple) with His will. Personally, I really lean on the side of seeing permanent birth control as a last-resort type of decision, only because the bible is so clear about children being a blessing. Other types of birth control can work for a season, as we work this issue out with our spouse and with God. I also hope that couples will realize that permanent birth control *can* have side affects. I’ve had various different issues whispered to me in private, as well as seen stories on the web. Surgery is still surgery and can have side affects.
Currently, my cup is very,very full. There are many reasons for this. From a human perspective, I really *should* be done. My husband and I have both been *feeling* done. Interestingly, God’s ways are not our ways. He gave me a dream last winter that I feel was from Him. I am not typically the kind of person who assumes that all dreams are prophecy, but the circumstances surrounding this dream cannot be ignored. I believe he wants me to have another baby, and I’m having a hard time coming to terms with it. My husband is REALLY having a hard time coming to terms with it. Praise God we are on the same page, right? 🙂 I know the pain of not being in agreement with my husband, so I pray to God that if this is truly HIS will, that he will get us in agreement in His time. I have even told my husband that we will probably need to fast and pray on this issue in the future. It feels crazy for many reasons, and I know the clock is ticking.. but it’s always an adventure to follow God.
I have four children, three boys (14, 12 & 10), and a 17 year old daughter that we adopted out of foster care almost one year ago. The 17 year old and the 14 year old have special needs. Originally my hubby and I agreed on two children. When our second was about one, I asked for a third and after some thought my hubby agreed but said that was it. When our third was one, I asked for a fourth and he said he was definitely done (at about this time my SIL said her husband said the same thing, but that he would come around, and her husband has come around for them to have a total of 8 children, 6 biological and two adopted), but I still longed for another even though I was incredibly busy. The desire for another baby never went away, although I tried to fill this desire with pets, caring for babies at church, focusing on a job when my youngest was ready for kindergarten, etc. I asked again for a baby about two years ago when we moved into a bigger house and I felt there was room for another and things were much more stable in our lives. At the time I was just about to turn 40. Hubby discussed how we had talked about adopting from foster care and with lots of prayer we turned to that option. We took the classes and God slowly turned us from wanting a younger child to teens because there is so much need there and we became an adoptive only home and adopted a teen. Again, this temporarily shifted me from thinking about babies, and I love our daughter dearly, know I am meant to be her mom, and would not trade her for anything, but I recently brought up again to my husband my desire to have another baby. He said no, that it would wreck our lives (he likes that everyone is school age and much more self sufficient). For years I have had dreams about being pregnant and nursing again and am always regretful when I wake up and it isn’t so. I even have a dream baby boy that has a name we never even talked about with our other boys, Luke. Recently my SIL who is about my age gave birth to her 8th child. This was very difficult for me and I felt a lot of envy. I also feel envy when I see pregnant women, babies and small children. Last week I almost burst into tears at church watching the interactions between a family of young children. I don’t want to feel that way. I know that I am coming to the end of my fertility and the risks have grown. I’ve never wanted to have a child that wasn’t equally desired by my husband. I appreciated reading your article because it helped me to know that I need to be praying not about my own desires, but about what God wants for our family. I need to let him be in charge and know that if our family is complete that it is his will and he can use me in all sorts of ways besides being a mother to another baby.
I’m so glad the article helped you! It sounds like God has given you an amazing ministry with your family already, and I know He will use you in other ways if you’re willing, too.
So after reading your article, more prayer and feeling like God’s will would be done on this issue, I decided to talk to my husband one last time about wanting another child as at my age it is pretty much now or never. I completely expected him to say “no” once again, but this time he said “yes”. He has some concerns that we talked through about risks (for miscarriage and birth defects), how our life would change, childcare and that our house doesn’t really have room for another one, but came to answers about how we would cope with each. We decided to try for one year, not use medical interventions and leave it up to God. Now, I think whatever happens I can be at peace with it. Thank you again for your article and your kind response.
Oh, that’s wonderful! It sounds then like you will both have no regrets. That’s great!
This article was literally an answer to my prayers. There were so many revelations that stood out to me. I wish I could highlight them! I’ll have to print the article and do so. Thank you for being a tool in Heavenly Father’s hands, and for blessing me with this article.
Up until about 3 months ago, I desperately wanted a big family. But I’m already 32 and single, so I don’t have a huge number of years of fertility ahead of me, apart from everything else.
Then God quite literally stopped me in my tracks when I was walking — “the bravest thing I’ll ever ask you to do is to not let your fears be your driving force”. WOW. It was clear to me that the context for this is, my fears over my own childhood, the disruption of having my parents split up when I was 3. And food security issues over the following poverty we had. And being a lonely and pretty unhappy child overall. So my driving force was coming out of those and wanting to have this huge happy family.
But now God is revealing some bigger dreams for me.
Motherhood is indeed a high and holy calling.
But it is not the only one that is.
This is a beautiful article, but you have zero biblical references.
I’m having a really rough time. I have been married for 3.5 years and with my husband for 7 years. I have a 17 year old step daughter and we always agreed not to have children. I have changed my mind over the last several years. However, i physically have children due to medical issues and my husband is admit about not having any. He blames me for changing my mind and feels that it is my problem to deal with. I despartely want a foster child. I pray for God to align our dedires because i don’t think that i can live with the regret of not fostering or adopting a child.
My husband and I are trying for a second. I’d like more after that, but he doesn’t, not only that, but we’re having trouble getting pregnant now. I’m completely open to adoption, but my husband is hesitant. All of this together is adding up in my mind to worries about not being able to create the family I want. While looking for someone whose been there, I’ve come across many places where people say they’ll leave their husband if necessary, which I imagine is due in part to the genuine intense biological urge to have more kids and sometimes a feeling of betrayal if their partner originally said they wanted more kids. Anyway, it was absolutely not what I needed to hear at this time of sorrow. Then I found not only this post, but also all the amazing comments! I’m saving this page to reread when I need it! Families can be built in so many different ways, and that maternal energy can be spent on showing love to so many beyond your own flesh and blood! In the end, it’s one of the most important things God calls us to do. And I appreciate the reminder!
I know I’m reading this way past the date it was published, but I’m struggling with a similar situation; Our pregnancy history is one son, three miscarriages, another son, another miscarriage and now my husband says he doesn’t want any more. I feel unfinished and incomplete. Like I’m stuck in the storm with no rainbow (baby) And becoming increasingly envious of others when they get pregnant or have babies and I hate that part of me, I want to be happy but so much of me still grieves the babies I never met 💔
Oh, Ashley, I’m sorry for your pain! I was there for quite a while, too, but it did pass as I got older. I don’t know what to tell you except keep praying. I’m sorry for your many losses, though. That does take such a toll.
Hi Sheila,
I just wanted to thank you for sharing your story. I am so glad a desperate, teary Google search led me to your article. The feelings you described are exactly what I am going through. I have a deep desire for a third baby. My husband has an equally deep desire not to have any more children, for the same reasons as your husband – reasons I respect. It’s been a struggle. I’m suffering and our marriage is suffering. I’ve been trying so hard to trust the Lord and give this to Him. I feel hopeless about my husband changing his mind, but I can’t seem to give up hope or shake the pain that creeps in daily. It doesn’t help that, between church friends and my extended family, 17 women in my immediate sphere are pregnant or just had babies. Even my sister is expecting her third. On bad days (like today), I feel like God is rubbing the answer NO in my face with everyone else’s YESES. My mom reminded me that God doesn’t behave like that, but the enemy does. Earthly forces aren’t the only ones involved in this struggle.
I do not want to live with resentment, envy, discontent, and sadness. I so appreciated what you said about offering our time to God, letting Him use us in new ways, give us new dreams. My kids are toddlers so I’m still in the all-consuming phase, but that could be my future. It was encouraging to hear that your pain is gone, because I’ve feared feeling it for the rest of my life. I was also grateful for the reminder not to pull back from the husband who is here now, and not to miss out on the joy of the children who are here now. Even just reading “It’s natural to want [young motherhood] to continue,” made me feel understood and not alone. I’m not greedy, ungrateful, out-of-line. This is a natural feeling. But you are so right that how I handle it has great implications for my future, and I can only navigate it by opening myself to God’s grace.
This was so powerful for me, Sheila. I have never participated in a forum discussion before, but I just had to tell you what an impact your story had on me. Thank you for sharing the wisdom you’ve gained from your journey.
I’m glad you found me, Haley. I know this is a really tough period for you, and it’s so hard. I’m glad that it could help you on your journey!
So glad I came accross this, was soul searching and your words spoke to me, cried through the whole thing. My heart still aches for another baby but you’ve given me some clarity and stuff to think about. I’ll start with loving my Husband again. Thanks so much for this.
I found this blog awhile ago, so this isn’t the first time I’ve read this post. I had to revisit it today. I celebrated my 42nd birthday yesterday so I’m painfully aware that the clock is ticking loudly. I desperately want a fourth baby….for many reasons. I got married later in life (32) and started off wanting just two kids, preferably a boy and a girl. I got two boys in a row, begged to try for a girl, husband gave in after many tears. That was three years ago. I’ve always gotten pregnant right away and had uncomplicated pregnancies. But then I had trouble nursing my daughter and ended up abruptly quitting very early, which sent me into a major depression. I felt like I couldn’t enjoy her. I suddenly wanted another baby because I wanted a “do-over.” Not a good reason by itself to have another baby, I will admit. Then as time went on my reasons for wanting another one have expanded. I too am surrounded by large families. We have no reason (other than possibly our ages) to NOT try for another one. I’m hoping for a sister for my only daughter. I love babies. I want to add another child to our family photos. I don’t know what else I’ll do at this point in my life. Etc, etc. This is beyond hard, it’s soul-crushing sometimes. I’ve assured my husband it’s not really about proving I can nurse, or about keeping up with someone else, or proving I can handle 4+ kids. Those things have played into it somewhat, but there’s more to it than that. So, I can relate. Surrender in this area is hard. The woman carries the baby, nurses it, cares for it far more than the husband does (in many cases), so my human thinking tends to be that the woman should have a say in what happens. I really appreciate this post, and I don’t feel as alone reading many of these responses. I acknowledge that only God truly knows what is best for each family. It’s simply something I have to pray about more and learn to leave on the altar, especially every time I hear or read another pregnancy announcement.
We have three beautiful children. I struggle with resenting their challenging behaviour, which is one of my husbands reasons for not wanting any more children.
Ive been praying for peace in my heart over the closure of my reproductive chapter. Pregnancy and childbirth were enjoyable for me yes, childbirth! I loved it and I miss growing and delivering a little person.
Condoms have killed sex for me and the second that goes on, Im done. Sex is not fun and I avoid because I feel that he is withholding something from me.
Helpful things to think about, Sheila. Thank you.
I am 50 and I’m not getting my periods regularly any more. After struggling with infertility I became a mom late in life (at 36)
I now have 3 boys, one biological son aged 13, two adopted sons 10 and 3. Do I regret not having more children ? Yes I do! I wish I hadn’t waited “trying for a baby” until I was 30. That would be my advice if I had girls – don’t wait too long.
Hi Shiela,
I’m dealing with this issue currently. I have been searching the internet for books or help with this, and there is so little. I married a man who did not have a happy family growing up. He doesn’t like his parents. I recognize that has completely impacted his feelings about family/children/etc. When we were engaged, we had a “come to Jesus” conversation, because I really wanted to have kids and he didn’t. He reluctantly agreed that he DID want to have kids with ME. If my memory is correct, at that point, we didn’t discuss an actual number of children, just the idea of having kids. We married when I was 31 and it took a couple of years to convince him to start trying. I was 34 when I conceived, and had our daughter right before my 35th birthday. I’m now 36 and our daughter is 16 months old. She’s beautiful, funny, smart, and perfect in every way. The moment we got pregnant, my husband would announce to people that we were “one and done.” Not wanting to get into a fight over something that was clearly ridiculous to discuss while pregnant with our first, I just ignored those comments. I also truly thought when he saw his daughter and fell in love with her, maybe his heart would open. At this point, he declares it as though it’s a final decision. I desperately want my daughter to have a sibling. We are financially stable, have no debt (we paid off $100,000 in student and car loans in 3 years), and are both gainfully employed. I feel like we have a lot of love and energy and resources to give. He disagrees, and I feel he operates on the mindset of “not enough” when it comes to money, which also probably has to do with his upbringing. I told myself in January, that I would spend a year being grateful and praying (and not discussing) my desire to expand our family. I have prayed that he would have a change of heart, or that I would. I have not. I want it now more than ever, and it finally came up this past weekend. All of my friends have either just had their first, or are on their 2nd, 3rd, or 4th baby. My friend (pregnant with #4) approached my husband repeatedly while we were out, about having another child. My husband came to me last night, and was angry. He told me he didn’t appreciate my friends harassing him. My heart is broken- I did not in any way ask my friends to do this, but they do know my desire for more kids, and his lack thereof. I told him I agree it wasn’t my friend’s place (he also told me several others have done the same thing, and he’d appreciate if this stay between us). I’m a person who needs to talk things out. I’m not sure who I am supposed to talk to now. I had been drafting a letter, for several months, to my husband searching for the perfect, kind, compassionate, open words to use to broach this subject. Now, it’s been brought up in a way that I just feel devastated by. It feels like a scab was just ripped off an open wound. I don’t even know where to go from here- how do I go through my life and pretend nothing is wrong, when my heart feels so broken? I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone, and I’m afraid a door has been opened that cannot be closed between us. I’m trying to lean on my faith, but I’m just struggling. Thanks for reading.
My heart is broken and torn. After reading this post I know I need to lean more on God. I want another baby and at one time my husband did too, but I didnt. We had my daughter 3 years ago and it’s was a very hard delivery, and year after we brought her home. Because of the situation my husband agreed that we shouldn’t have more kids. He already has 2 boys from another marriage that are older as well, so for him he isn’t missing out. But lately I have desired another baby. I always thought I’d have more than one, we have 3 all together, but being a step mom I know the boys don’t see me as a “mom” figure in their life and part of me just desires that relationship. Also, I want my daughter to have a sibling closer to her age… It’s just hard. I’m 28 and to be told no more hurts. I still have so much time. My husband isn’t a bad guy and I know his reasonings. I just needed to let this out because I can’t talk about it to anyone else without them giving an opinion. I just don’t know what to do and dont know what God has in store for us…. I just have to keep praying and if we are meant to have another one God will open the door, and if not well like the author said He will fill it with new dreams and take away the hurt. I also just need to keep letting go because I feel the hurt, the look at what I’ve done for you, the if we discussed this sooner I may have changed my mind and bitterness trying to creep in. I know it sounds bad but better bring it to light and surrender it than to let it hide in darkness and make a home where it shouldn’t.
Thank you for writing this. My husband and I are having major issues in the marriage. I’ve had 2 miscarriages and two ectopic pregnancies. I have a son but don’t think he’s ever wanted more than one child. He would do it for me, but the only option is natural cycle ivf and I think he’s stressed about it. I’m not sure what god wants but I’m pretty sure he doesn’t want my marriage to be rocky. So I have to accept that I’m not having more children.
My goodness this hit me so hard! I am so thankful you wrote this. I Google my issue and picked the first thing and my goodness did God show up!! Thank you for this really I’m gonna stop mourning the children I don’t have and start loving my husband more! He’s here now! Thank you thank you thank you!!
Oh, I’m so glad this could help!
I’m 32 my fiancé is 52 he has two adult children(and two grandchildren) I didn’t know if I could have kids but when we got together he agreed to one, if I could. Now I have a beautiful baby girl. He came to some of the drs appointments, but mainly during the pregnancy he seemed distant. I couldn’t really talk about it(the kicks and growing) and he never rubbed my belly and felt maybe one kick because I made him. Like I said his children are older and there was a lot of jealousy it seemed, which also made for a horrible pregnancy experience. It was very “not talked about”. I prayed a lot about forgiveness, and believe I’ve crossed over with that part. So now I feel like I can forgive the pain easier if it were to happen again, because I know my baby would have a sibling that would actually care about her in the future. Now that I know I can have kids, I’d like another 1-2 more. I feel like the original commenter, sex is like salt in a wound. I think about it and hope for a “slip up” constantly. I take pregnancy tests just because, what if. I’m driving myself crazy about it. Maybe changing the way I pray about it, will change his heart or mine.
I just want to thank you, Sheila, for this post. I am suffering right now with feeling daily pain over the fact that we’re done having children. I desperately want another child – it feels like our family is supposed to have one more baby. Your post is the only thing I’ve ever read that captures the pain and disappointment I’m feeling. I agree with everything you’ve written and I know that I need to ask God to help me let go. (Honestly, the best prayer I’ve prayed so far is, “God, if it’s your will, can you change my husband’s heart? But if it’s not your will, can you give peace to mine?”) I’m crying even as I type this. Thank you for ministering to me.
Im so glad I found this because it’s exactly how I am feeling. I cry everyday because I can’t come to accept what is. Truthfully I’m starting to think that this may end my marriage. I have found myself feeling bitter about those around me who have bigger families or are expecting I have isolated myself so this story give me hope that i Can find peace Through God and faith.
Thank you for this post! My husband and I are blessed with three boys and he is done. I cannot decide if I am done or not – my baby is two and I am enjoying moving away from the baby stage, but I grieve over the fact that I will never have a daughter. More and more lately I have thought about going back for baby #4, but am scared to broach the topic with hubby – I don’t want to argue over this with him, he is already such a great dad but does carry the financial burden for our family and four kids would stretch every resource we have. I keep praying God will either make it happen or take this desire from me.