How do you handle sibling rivalry? When little kids constantly bicker or fight, we moms can get really worn out.
Every Thursday this month I’ve been running an article to help equip moms for parenting effectively once the school year starts again! And I’ve been trying to emphasize some advice that sometimes goes against the grain of what we’re told in Christian circles, which often emphasize outward obedience rather than actual character training.
I was thrilled when Connected Families contacted me to talk about their “Peace Process“, where they’re equipping parents to raise peaceful kids. It’s really cool. From Jim and Lynne Jackson, who founded Connected Families, here’s what it looks like in practice:
“Knock it off!,” one kid commands. The other raises the energy and volume, “Knock it off yourself! I was here first!” You round the corner just as they erupt into a volatile war of insults. You interrupt with parental volume and energy. “This is NOT OK! Go to time out until you can say you’re sorry!” Or perhaps you threaten a spanking if they keep this up.
The kids quiet down, and wanting to go on with life, each smugly utters the word “sorry” through angry glares. They keep it together for a while afterward, not wanting your intervention any time soon, but truly repentant, apologetic hearts are nowhere to be found.
Scenes like this unfold in good homes every day. Siblings fight. It’s natural and normal. The way parents routinely deal with it determines whether the kids will grow up well-equipped to navigate conflict… or not.
Sadly, the typical way parents engage with sibling conflict does little to help kids learn valuable conflict resolution skills.
Motivated by good intentions to teach the value of respecting each other, parents unwittingly teach their kids to hide their conflicts or to depend on parental intervention to make it stop. What’s needed is far more than forced apologies, time-outs, and spankings. To grow the value of true reconciliation, kids need to learn to understand each other and value solving problems like this on their own – none of which is accomplished by the above approaches.
Reconciliation is at the heart of biblical teaching about conflict. Jesus teaches in Matthew 5:23,24,
Suppose you… remember that your brother or sister has something against you… go and make peace with them.
In Matthew 18:15-17 he gives further instruction about going through conflict – and gives the primary goal: listening in order to resolve! People naturally regard these verses as written to and for adults.
The problem: We somehow think our kids will magically figure out conflict resolution as adults without giving them opportunities to learn healthy strategies as children.
'Kids won't figure out conflict resolution as adults without opportunities to learn as children.'Click To TweetAs we look at the divisions in the church and the state of marriages today, teaching this to young kids is critically important!!
In our home we embraced the belief that the scriptural guidelines for conflict resolution apply as soon as kids can talk, so we began this work when our very sensitive daughter was two and having conflicts with our intense, oldest (five-year-old) son. We had lots of opportunities to work on this.
We taught our kids that God created us to have close, connected loving relationships, and when we hurt each other with our words or hands it breaks that connection. When that happens, it’s not enough to say a quick or insincere “Sorry” and move on. It’s the job of the people involved to resolve the conflict in a way that truly reconnects their hearts! It was rewarding to watch our kids’ joy and closeness grow as they learned practical ways to “make right what they’d made wrong” in their relationship. Our kids grew to be dear friends and have great relationships with others.
We call the approach we used, “The Peace Process.”
'Learn the 4-step Peace Process to teach your kids to deal with sibling fights!'Click To TweetIt’s a simple guide that helps parents wisely guide kids to value true reconciliation. The process has four basic steps:
- Calm down
- understand each other
- solve the conflict
- celebrate (even the smallest steps of progress).
Recently a five-year-old whose parents have started using this process was in a scuffle with her little brother. He was being too aggressive and the dad intervened the old way. She blurted out, “No, Daddy! Don’t give him a time out! I want to do the Peace Process!”
This can happen with your kids.
It starts with you. Think of the four steps as a stepping stone path to true reconciliation – with you leading the way:
Calm:
Develop a habit of taking a deep breath when your kids start fighting (unless there is imminent danger, in which case, do what’s needed to stop it and come back to this process as soon as you can). Remind yourself that conflict is normal and that your calm response will help your kids learn to calm down too. Sometimes, in your effort to calm down, the kids will notice and will calm down too. If not, calmly ask what they need in order to calm down. Offer them time to cool down. A phrase we often coach parents to use is, “Do you kids need to find a comfortable spot to calm down before you’re ready to work this out?”
More than once one or the other of us said to our kids during conflict, “I need a break because I’m upset and I don’t want to disrespect you.” This modelled both the importance and an approach for self-calming.
Understand.
As the kids calm down, ask yourself, “What’s going on with the kids and how could I let them know I understand?” Then ask, “How can I help them understand each other?” How do they each feel? Do your best to make empathetic statements with them as an example and then ask them to reflect on how the other child is feeling. See if they’ll talk to each other about it. It’s amazing what a little empathy can do.
Solve.
At the core of solving is restoring. This is why insincere “Sorry’s” don’t help kids really learn. To restore means asking, How did your actions hurt someone else? And how do you want to make things right? At first it will feel awkward and kids will need your help. So ask them, “You two used your words to hurt each other, how do you want to use words to make things right?” As they learn this process they’ll be able to come up with their own ideas.
Celebrate!
Philippians 4:8 invites us to dwell on whatever is good. As kids make even the smallest amount of progress, instead of focusing on what they’ve not yet done well, give smiles, high-fives, and hugs for little steps of progress. When it comes to encouraging progress, affirming energy directed at little bright spots far outweighs critical energy to what’s still going wrong.
As you develop the habit of calming, seeking understanding, working not just for consequences but solutions, and celebrating, little by little the kids will follow your lead. And soon perhaps your kids will ask for the “Peace Process” too! Now that’s something to celebrate!
They show you not how to control your kids, but how to help them learn to control their emotions and truly show each other love. And it honestly works! You don’t have to live with constant sibling fights. You can find peace in your home.
I was just recently thinking about how my kids are just such close friends together and how they often are the once to take the lead in solving conflicts that arise in a group of friends… They’re 6, 4 and 2. And as I tried to figure out what I did/do right all could come up with was that I just don’t meddle with their conflicts. I let them figure it out. I really hesitate to intervene unless one is angry and violent. Often one will come to me with a complaint about the sibling (she took that from me, he doesn’t want to play etc.) and my first respond is “have you told him or her?” Usually the answer is no so I send the kid back to talk to their sibling. Often with a suggestion as to what to say, like “I didn’t like that you took the toy I was playing with”… This is usually enough.
If they have a bad day and argue a lot, I will say something like “what’s up guys? Usually you’re such good friends but today you argue a lot?” Many times they don’t really answer that question to me, but I often heard them a little while after “hey, let’s be good friends… What do you want to do?”
I must say though, that my firstborn was a natural very empathetic child. Even as a toddler she could not suffer a baby crying without making sure that the baby was taken care off. So maybe I am just lucky.
Lydia – this doesn’t sound like luck as much as a very thoughtful approach to it all. Sure, having a gentle disposition in an oldest child can help, but kids still follow their parents’ lead. Nice work!
This is a non-issue for me as my son has no siblings.
Kelly, we have had many parents of only one child say these principles help them resolve conflict with their child, and also facilitate resolution between their child and his/her peers. There’s always opportunities to teach conflict resolution, and only children need those skills as much as any child. So give it a whirl, and let us know if you have questions! 🙂
I wish my mom had used these steps just when dealing with me! My sister is 9 years older than me, so there wasn’t a lot of interaction, much less conflict between us. But loooooottttssss of conflict with mom and me.
So true, Angie. I think these are principles that apply to any relationship!
Oh boy, this is one we need help with BIG TIME! My 8 year old daughter is pretty strong-willed. But her little brother, who is 6, is probably even more strong-willed than her. He also has developmental delays in certain areas (more with physical things rather than neurological, though there is some of that too), sensory disorders, and is classified as ADHD. His fuse is SHORT and he can go from laughing and giggling to hitting and screaming in a fraction of a second for what others may consider a minor slight. Reasoning with him doesn’t happen. Calming him down when he’s slighted doesn’t happen. I don’t know if this approach could even WORK with him, even though I’d prefer it over the alternative, just because of how he’s wired! 🙁
Wow, you do have your hands filled, Liberty! Many prayers for wisdom and patience.
Liberty – We’d encourage you to click the “Peace Process” link above and see if that helps. We’ve seen it benefit lots of families that describe like yours.
I wonder if this will help solve the blame game? One of my biggest frustrations is that my kids constantly blame each other for the start of any conflict- no one is willing to think they had any part in it. And if I wasn’t there to observe the whole thing there isn’t a way for me to know the whole truth. Great article – I am hoping to start using these principles!
So glad, Christina!
Christina – We’ll pray for you! And let us know how it goes.
This is so great. Sibling sniping is a bad habit that needs to be addressed. They wouldn’t treat friends that way so they shouldn’t treat their sibs that way. So many parenting resources encourage parents to leave it alone. Bickering with siblings will lead to bickering with a spouse.