Pornography hijacks people’s sex drives and ruins people’s lives.
There are no ifs, ands or buts about it.
Pornography is not harmless. It is not something that two consenting adults can watch and have fun together with no repercussions.
I don’t have time to write a big post today because (I’m really excited about this!) they’re coming to give me new internet in about 45 minutes, so I’ll be offline for a while. We have the slowest internet in the world, I think, and finally a company has laid down infrastructure in our subdivision so I can enter the “normal” speed world. And for me that’s important. It takes Katie about 8 hours to upload one of her YouTube videos when she’s here at home, and only about 20 minutes in her condo in Ottawa. So this will be a big change for me!
So I wanted to share something important today that I didn’t have to write myself.
This weekend I saw this video from Elizabeth Smart, who survived 9 months with a crazed kidnapper and his wife when she was just 14. I love how strong she is today. Please listen to her words; they matter.
Pornography made it worse.
Porn would fuel his desire to do things to her, so that being with his wife was no longer enough, and they had to go and kidnap an innocent little girl.
This weekend I got sucked down the YouTube black hole and I watched a documentary on Jaycee Dugard, too, who spent 18 years with her kidnapper (I think I’m actually distantly related to her; fourth cousin or something). Porn played a role there as well.
In fact, in every major sex crime you’ll ever hear about, I can practically guarantee you that the guy used porn. Canada’s infamous Paul Bernardo did. Ted Bundy did. They all did.
This is not to say that every porn user will become a rapist, but some will. And we can’t afford another young girl (or young boy) living through this.
But for all the high profile ones we know about, what about the quiet ones that never make the news? The stepchildren that are abused at home. The little sisters that are used. Even the daughters.
And for those who never abuse? They still have those images in their heads and it changes how they think about sex.
Sex is no longer about intimacy; it’s about taking something from someone else.
It’s an extremely impersonal act where objectifying the other person is part of the allure. And once you’ve gone down that road, it’s so hard to get “normal” sexuality back.
This is serious stuff. We need to fight back. One way we can do that is to make sure that all of us with teens in the house have Covenant Eyes installed on our computers, devices and tablets. It doesn’t cost very much (and you get one month free if you use my link!), but it means that if anyone is tempted to look at porn, it will be easier to overcome that temptation because you know that someone will find out. Often that’s all it takes to withstand that temptation.
Think of all the things you were tempted to do as a teenager. What if they could have been accomplished at just the click of a mouse? You’d likely have given in, right? That’s not enough time for your brain to say, “wait a minute, I don’t really want to do this.” Not enough time to listen to the Holy Spirit.
But if you install something where they know there are repercussions (or where there’s a filter on anyway), then they may just stop.
Our teens deserve better than what we’re giving them.
Our boys deserve to grow up and still know how to make love, and not just use somebody. Our girls deserve to grow up and know what it is to be cherished and cradled. And our girls deserve to grow up to desire to be loved, not just to desire to be used (which is what happens to girls who watch porn).
What are we doing to this generation? And what are unleashing on the world? Let’s make sure that our corner of the world, at least, is safe.
Please listen to Elizabeth Smart’s words and share them. You can share that YouTube video here; let’s make sure more people see it. And then protect your kids.
Thank you.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Elizabeth’s story is heartbreaking but extreme. And yet I cannot get over how many marriages in my life are being ripped apart by porn. One of the girls from my high school that I went to youth group with is now divorced because she told her husband it was time to choose between her or the porn but he told her it was normal and she was the one with the problem, so she left. She never went to her church, because she was too ashamed and didn’t believe anyone would help besides the pat answer “Have more sex,” which is going to do a whole lot of good when we are talking about a full blown addiction here, watching hours a day. I am doubly heart broken that she felt she had no options here. The church has GOT to push past this shame and start saving marriages NOW.
Then just last week my sister found out her best friend’s husband slept with a prostitute after battling a porn addiction she thought he had overcome. In fact they were in Thailand fighting sex trafficking together after all they’d learned in fighting porn addictions, but he never broke free after all and in fact escalated to this. Don’t think he is some kind of scumbag. Both he and his wife have been together since they were 12, grew up in the Christian schools and leaders in their church, they were their first everything–from first kiss to sex. And this is what porn has done to their marriage. They are currently living separately for three months while they both go to counseling individually but so far she hopes to work through it and stay together, but only if he is serious this time about getting intensive help.
Please, please, please, if porn is a problem in your marriage, stop at nothing to make it stop. It will not get better on its own. If your church won’t help, find one that will. Don’t do this alone. With the Holy Spirit’s help and a strong community to support you both, this battle CAN be fought and won!!
Amen, Kay. Amen. I’m constantly amazed by the “normal” looking guys who are caught up in this and do awful things, like your friend’s husband. You would never have believed it of them, but it’s NOT them. It’s what porn has done to them. And they do need to break free!
We need to get much more serious about this. People fall into it way too easily. Even GOOD people!
It can be absolutely shocking who uses porn and who has cheated on their spouse. When my husband admitted to his cheating (one time as far as he says) I actually thought he was lying. The two friends who know were competely speechless. Blown away. And yes, porn use by both of us, and a marriage with very few boundaries, definately led to the cheating. Does the Covenant Eyes block pictures as well as the video websites? Like if you Google Images?
Hi, Angie. Yes, I believe Covenant Eyes does, as well as anything could. And it does keep a record of what websites are visited and what search terms are used so that people know that if they do deliberately search something, it will be seen by someone else. I think that’s the real benefit: you know that someone will see your search terms, and it just stops that temptation. I’m sorry about all you’ve gone through, but I’m glad you guys are working on things! That must have been devastating about the affair, though.
Cool. Thanks Sheila. Yes, the worst part was I discovered I was pregnant the same night he confessed. So no happy pregnancy announcment for us. But we are definately moving in a forward direction TOGETHER and that counts for a lot! ?
Ack! How rough. But when you both decide to move forward, it’s amazing how much can be rebuilt!
Angie, it can. There are different settings. It also has a panic mode that disables the network access for that computer entirely. The support topic list for Covenant Eyes is here, and it covers the filter settings and other stuff: http://www.covenanteyes.com/support-articles-list/
Thank you!
Oh, one other thing I wanted to say about her story: I absolutely LOVE what she said that her mother said to her the next day–how she couldn’t let them steal her whole life, and how if she were happy, they wouldn’t have won. That is so true. Jaycee Dugard said something very similar.
So to all women who have been ravaged by porn in your marriage: it does not define you, either. Only God does. And if you can move forward and find peace and joy–then that’s part of fighting porn, too!
One thing I read was about a Korean Wat vet (I believe) who had been in some particularly bad battles. His son was in Iraq and asked him later how he had come through without PTSD, and the guy said that he didn’t fight the mental images of anything he had seen, but he simply looked at them as A Thing That Had Happened. That was it. It was real, but it was just a memory. Like what you’re saying — it wasn’t a defining moment that had control over his life. It wasn’t something he needed to be afraid of.
I read that, like, two weeks after my miscarriage, and it really helped me put things in perspective. It was okay to grieve, and it was also okay not to let that define me or my life.
So true! Thanks, Sunny-Dee!
Wow. This is such a fierce and powerful post and I think it explains so many points thoroughly. Pornography addiction is an addiction and not one to be taken lightly. It is so difficult for many to grasp the concept that any addiction is just that and it is unfortunate the toll it can take on those around the addicted. Thanks so much for writing this. It is definitely something that needs to be taken on more seriously.