Sometimes, when we’re in the middle of hurt, it can be very hard to see how there could ever be a turning point in your marriage.
It’s Wednesday, and I always post a “Wifey Wednesday” thought to help our marriages.
I had a bit of a comment dustup on a guest post last week. A reader left a comment that was really quite bitter towards her husband–she hated sex and always would; God made men to be perverts; and her husband had been awful towards her. There then ensued a debate between commenters who were wanting to steer her to a more productive way of thinking (let’s let go of the bitterness and work towards healing) and those who said if a person is hurting, you need to embrace that hurt, and to try to correct her is just plain being mean.
I understand this tendency we have to embrace the hurt.
We hear a woman talk about her problems, and we want to say, “Oh, what a jerk! I hope you made him pay for that!” But it really doesn’t help anything, because when we’re stuck in hurt and bitterness, we can never move forward.
I have spoken to so many people who have faced major marriage problems and come through on the other side, and there is always a common denominator: they stopped focusing on how much they were hurt, and they asked God to help them see the situation with clear eyes.
'Marriages change when we stop focusing on our own hurt and surrender that hurt to God.'Click To TweetThat’s what happened in my marriage, so let me tell you a bit of my story (this has been my week for telling personal stories!). When we were first married, I had major trust issues. I had been rejected repeatedly as a child, and then my husband had also broken off our engagement before we reconciled and eventually married. So I was paranoid that he was going to leave me, and opening up was not easy for me. I had been so desperate to get him down the aisle and actually commit that I hadn’t given much thought to what came afterwards. I guess I thought marriage would be easy.
Because I had trust issues, though, I also had sex issues. I shared about this a lot in both The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex and 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, but suffice it to say that sex hurt, and Keith wanted it all the time. So we had major conflict for the first part of our marriage.
The turning point came in our marriage when I decided not to dwell on my emotional pain. I was focusing so much on my own issues–“he only wants me for one thing, he doesn’t really care about me, he won’t show me love”–that I didn’t really look at the other side—“am I showing him love?” And once I made the emotional commitment to love him (and really throw myself into sex, too, but that was only a part of it), things started working much better. I really did love him. I started thinking about the things that I was grateful for about him. I stopped being so sensitive.
But it was difficult, and it took a few years to get to that point.
When you’re in the middle of a serious hurt, it’s hard to see the other person’s perspective.
But when you decide to love regardless, amazing things can happen.
At the same time as God was softening my heart, God was also doing a work in Keith’s heart. In fact, Keith came to basically the same decision around the same time I did. Never ever discount what God can do in your spouse’s heart. But that’s the key, I think: God does it, not you.
For me, then, the turning point in our marriage was a shift in my own attitude, and a submission to God, which also led to the same thing in my husband.
I can honestly say that we’re so grateful for each other and we’re ridiculously lovey-dovey all the time now. But it wasn’t always like that.
It seems to be a spiritual principle that God starts working when we are in submission to Him.
Even if you are not the principle problem in your marriage (ie. your husband is doing something wrong/sinful/selfish), the more you hold on to the hurt, the less God works.
I was reading in my devotions today about how God “pleads the case of the orphan”. God likes pleading the case of the person who is wronged. But He tends to do it once we have stopped pleading our case. When we hand our case over to God, He works. When we try to fix it, He doesn’t. Remember how Jesus couldn’t do miracles in his hometown because of the people’s lack of faith (Mark 6:5)? When we don’t surrender to God, He doesn’t usurp our will and work anyway. He allows us to draw the boundaries of what He will do. And if we don’t surrender, He doesn’t force Himself on us.
That doesn’t mean that we don’t confront, or use consequences. I’m not saying that we need to use the “Duck Principle”, like I talk about in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, where we duck and get out of the way and do absolutely nothing so that God can smack our husbands. Sometimes we need to draw clear boundaries and say, “this can’t be tolerated.” But those boundaries will never work when we enact them out of bitterness or anger or manipulation. When we do it out of surrender to God and a desire to see Him work in the marriage, healing can really take place.
That’s because it’s not about what we do as much as it is what is going on in our hearts.
When are hurt, we need to hand our emotional needs over to God. We need to hand Him:
- our need to be right;
- our need to have our husbands admit they were wrong;
- our need to have them love us completely and utterly.
When we are expecting these things from our husbands, then God can’t work in the same way because we’ve set up a very negative dynamic, both emotionally and spiritually. When we turn to God, things change.
It doesn’t always mean that a marriage can be saved, especially if a spouse is more interested in using you than loving you. But when you surrender to God, the bitterness goes. And then even if the marriage isn’t saved, you are a whole person. But usually that marriage can be saved, and it all starts when the dynamic changed; when someone takes that scary first step to stop waiting for a spouse to make the hurt better, and they run to God and live out God’s love anyway, whatever that looks like.
So let me know your story. What was the turning point in your marriage? What flipped the switch? Leave it in the comments!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
It is so hard to just let go and trust God to do something that you have been praying for, for years and years and nothing has happened. I have tried to be the best husband I can be and yet my wife keeps with holding/gate keeping. Sometimes I feel this is one thing God can not do……….
I am sorry, Jeff. Truly sorry.
Jeff, You are the God ordained leader in your family. Confront your wife on her sin and lead her to Gods truth about sex in your marriage. Don’t just sit there waiting for something to happen. Take the lead and make it happen. Learn what the Bible says about sex in marriage and then confront/challenge/teach your wife. Lead her! Slow, patient, loving, but persistent… God will honor your leadership just as he honors a wife’s submission to her husband. If we do it God’s way, he will help us.
It think it’s important to validate someone’s feelings before steering them to a better way of thinking. For a wife whose husband has been truly awful, it would be very difficult to just “surrender to God”. More likely to bring true healing would be “yes, your husband was awful to you. You have every right to be hurt. Are you ready to let God help you work through it?”
I guess I’m saying that we need to *acknowledge* when someone has been hurt and let them feel their pain… I think we can do that without *embracing* it. If we just go straight to the get over it phase, it’s hard for true healing to happen…feelings end up getting stuffed down and resurfacing later on.
That’s a great point! How about this, then: I think even AFTER we hand over our hurt to God and surrender it to Him, validation for our feelings is a very important thing in any relationship. So I’m not saying that after the turning point comes, we never have our feelings validated, or the turning point comes because we’ve gotten rid of our feelings altogether.
Actually, after our turning point I was much better able to validate Keith’s feelings and he was much better able to validate mine.
I think the difference is that we didn’t NEED that anymore for our own health and peace. We may need it for the marriage; but we didn’t need it for ourselves, because we had decided to take that to God. I think a healthy marriage is one where you both acknowledge each other’s feelings. But what often keeps us stuck is this personal need for it. I think a relational need is different from a personal need, because a personal need is something God can meet REGARDLESS of what happens in the relationship. And then we’re free.
Does that make sense? Thanks for pushing back, because I hope I’ve clarified that a little bit. I think that’s a great point, and I’m not sure I explained it well enough in the post!
Thank you for this! With this clarification all this finally makes sense to me! My husband is emotionally distant and very distrustful of close relationships because of experiences in his past. I have been struggling to be compassionate and not think so much about *my* need to be loved. I get hung up on how much he is hurting me by withdrawing from our life together. Emotional connection is an important part of marriage – so I’ve been using that as an excuse to hunt him down and force him to be close with me – obviously that hasn’t been working out so great! Thank you for the distinction between relational and personal needs. I can take my personal needs to God, and trust that He will work on the relationship. Light bulb moment for me! Thanks you!
So glad that helped! I wish I had clarified it better in the original article. 🙂 That’s where commenters often help me flesh out what I’m thinking.
I felt as if today’s post was written about me! It was spot on, as I reflected over the last couple months of my marriage. Our turning point came about as a result of something hurtful my husband had done while we were on vacation in Vegas. It wasn’t major, but it was enough to rock my world. I found a photo on his iPad of a young waitress’s breasts in a string bikini. As tempting as it is to dwell on my hurt feelings, I won’t. I told him that I forgave him, but over the following weeks, I had a lot of trouble forgetting. It was hard not to keep punishing him when I had already forgiven him. I really had to hand this over to God and pray daily about it (and still do). We had two copies of “The Love Dare” and I asked him to re-read it with me. I feel that we’re getting through this together. I feel like our marriage is stronger than it was before, simply because we’re going through this together. It has helped us examine our own faults and take them all to God instead of pointing fingers.
We’ve been married 24 years and for the most part, they’ve been happy. But I really believe that when we’re just coasting along we can let down our guard and crappy stuff can creep in. So this was our turning point. I now realize that we can’t do this alone and am committed to daily conversation with God to keep our marriage strong.
Thanks for your post today, it was so helpful!
The turning point in our marriage started after I discovered something I had been suspecting, but my husband owned up to it and I signed us up for a Bible study at church entitled, “Freedom”. I didn’t even know if he would attend with me or what it was, but I signed us up and he agreed. God really took us on a journey of deep healing, as I had been mentally ready to pack my bags and leave and actually had grounds to do so morally, BUT we serve an awesome God who did not want our four children to grow up without their parents together. We had been separated briefly after only a year and a half of marriage due to an alcohol issue which had again become a problem. We were able to work through some hurts during the Bible study, but things got worse after they got better. I signed us up when the opportunity came again (after consulting my husband of course) and this time when we went through it, God really helped us get to the root of our issues and insecurities. The alcohol is no longer a problem, we are communicating well, and we are having fun raising our four children. God has laid a ministry on the heart of my husband and I’m praying about how God wants me to step into the ministry I feel called into as well. We will be married seven years in Novemnber and I can honestly say that it is only because God’s grace we are not only together but love one another and despite experiencing one of the deepest hurts a marriage can exeperience, God healed my heart, changed his heart, and we cannot wait to serve Him in whatever way He sees fit. The devil has fought so hard but we kept figthing back. Thanks for sharing your heart, so many women need to see there is hope!
How wonderful, Kristen! I’ve often told women who are just devastated because they’ve discovered something bad that “you’re closer to healing now than you were yesterday when you didn’t know”, because now you’re actually walking in truth in your marriage. And when you’re walking in truth, then God can work. Thanks so much for sharing your story!
I love that – “you’re closer to healing now,,,” There is so much truth in that!
There is truth! But I know it’s hard to hear at that horrible time. Truth hurts, but it’s only truth that brings healing.
This goes great with Paul’s post to husbands today: http://www.the-generous-husband.com/2016/08/31/are-you-harnessing-critical-mass-in-your-marriage/
Just like your post, Sheila, the point is that you can’t change your spouse; you can only work on YOU, and that alone will most likely tip the scales eventually. You have the power to change your marriage… By changing yourself. As we’ve all heard before, you may only be 2% of the problem, but until you take 100% responsibility for changing that 2%, nothing will change.
Eh, there’s a yes and there’s a no to that. I think when most people say that, the implication is that, honestly, it’s closer to 50-50 problems and you just can’t see it, so if you start working on your part, then a lot more will end up being fixed than you may initially realize. And that’s probably true a lot of the time.
But if it is truly a 98-2 split, no matter how much of that 2% you fix, you are still and always going to be in a world of hurt — and, fun enough, fixing that 2% wouldn’t be a big enough change for it to cause a cascade effect in your marriage. Like, let’s say that your husband is overspending your budget by $1000 a month, so you give up your weekend lattes. Yeah, you’ve saved $50, but, um, there is literally no difference in your budget until your husband quits spending. Your 2% doesn’t matter. If your spouse (because it is so not limited to a given sex) really does have huge problems, your *relationship* isn’t going to ever get any better unless they change. In fact, one of the things that makes me saddest is the drumbeat of advice to “focus on yourself” when your spouse has serious problems — because, yes, establishing independence is important when there is a problem in a relationship, but would you really be spending evenings out on new hobbies or taking on new work if your relationship didn’t suck? I didn’t get married so I could live like I was single. The unspoken sentiment is not that focusing on yourself improves the marriage — it’s that it moves you outside the marriage so the marriage matters less and therefore hurts less. It’s practical advice, but it’s for survival. In a sense, it’s the final stage of grief. It’s acceptance.
I could be in a cynical mood though.
Very well said. I don’t think your comments are cynical, but realistic. People’s pat answers and advice (as in “focus on yourself”) get tiresome and can feel downright hurtful.
Sunny-dee, I think you bring up a really good point! I know in my case it was a 50/50 split, and in many other marriages I’ve seen the same thing–it’s a 50/50 split. But the difference is that if you had truly asked me at the time if it was a 50/50 split, I would have said no. I would have told you totally that it was a 98/2 split. I believed that Keith was the problem.
Maybe that’s part of the issue? Until we go to God and let go of so much of this, we just can’t see clearly. We may be absolutely certain it’s a 98/2, but it really may not be. And that’s why we need to truly surrender our needs to God.
Now, if you do that, and you realize, yep, this is a 98/2 thing, then I think we are left with some of that acceptance and grief that you’ve said at the end. That was a really accurate (if rather depressing) scenario you laid out there. And that is hard. Really, really hard. And really, really sad.
But, in my experience, this really is far rarer than we think. After all, most of us married decent guys. If they weren’t decent, we wouldn’t have married them! And most people do want a truly intimate relationship. It’s just that walls of hurt have been built up and so now we see each other in very negative moral terms–she’s crazy; he’s bad, etc. etc.
There are bad husbands. Absolutely. And I’ve written a lot about that! But most husbands aren’t bad. And most marriages, even if they seem really awful, can be transformed. Not all, but most.
I don’t know where everybody is right now, and it honestly could be that this blog is filled with 98/2 marriages. But I doubt it. I really do. And so I just hope that we can all come humbly before God and ask Him to meet our needs and ask Him to heal these hurts and leave with Him the bitterness, so that we can walk forward. Yes, sometimes that means preparing our hearts to walk forward alone. But I do believe that that’s a rarity. And I hope, for most of my readers, it’s a rarity, too!
‘Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s (spouse’s) eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?’
Sometimes I think we are blinded by our ‘planks’ and yet so annoyed by other’s ‘specks’!
Jesus doesn’t say we are to do nothing to help our brother remove his ‘speck’, but FIRST we have to sort ourselves out!
My husband and i coasted along in marriage for a few years before we hit a difficult patch…that we both handled very badly. I would probably say 70% of the problem was me and yet my brave, strong, amazing husband worked hard to change his 30% first, because I was still wallowing in sin at the time, my husband had to make the first move. After a short time, i started working on my 70%, and really, just like Dave Ramsey’s Debt Snowball, we have ended up with a Sin Snowball – the more we work on our relationship, the more we see the fruit of our actions, and the more we WANT to work on our relationship.
Now, I have gotten into the habit, when I get upset about something, I first try to think of my part in the situation, or if I’m taking something in a way it wasn’t at all intended. This has really helped me a LOT!
That’s great! I love that.
What I keep coming back to is the fact that God can do such amazing things with a really small start. It’s all over in the Bible. Words like “faith as small as a mustard seed”, or the story of Jesus feeding thousands with a few fish and loaves of bread. I had to work through the 98/2% thing in my recent troubles and I just had to have faith that God could do something really big if I commit myself to praying about changing my 2% (okay, maybe it was more like 27% LOL). Or in other words, how can I go to Jesus about this problem with my husband unless I’m willing to work through my own issues? Faith and prayer. Pray hard and pray often!
My switch came when I realized that no matter what was going on in my marriage, no matter who started it (I always thought is was my husband), God’s FIRST stop was MY heart. Not easy for a newlywed who believed it her husbands job to make marriage great! I had to come to the end of myself, literally the end of the rope, before I got this clarity. It’s not that God wasn’t interested in changing my husband, its that He wasn’t interested in my help! He was working in him but I could not see that if my eyes were fixed on the “wrong”.
On the area of boundaries within marriage, you are so right. We both had to agree to consequences for chronic habits that we brought to marriage. So often when people hear about boundaries in relationships they lose it. Like, it is so ungodly. It is true that if there is no underlying love, loyalty and grace, boundaries will mess up the marriage more. But when you understand the heart of it – how you can’t even draw them up or “enforce” without love and revelation and dying to self), when you see the mercy, you totally get how it helps a marriage.
Love that, Ngina! Absolutely. Great description of boundaries, too.
I love this! It is hard to hear, but so true!
The turning point for me in my marriage was when I realized God had forgiven me for so much and it was not right not to give that forgiveness to my husband the same way God gave it to me. I also realized that often I was mad because I felt like I was the one that was right or I was doing something better than my husband. It came to being humble that we have different ways about doing things and that we were a team. Not one right and one wrong!
I’m not a naturally humble person–but I think marriage is actually making me more humble. I think maybe that’s God’s intention in marriage? 🙂
Sheila,
Can I respectfully suggest that perhaps you yourself are a little bitter towards the commenter you describe in your post.
I myself was following that thread before the person’s comments were then removed.
You are outright lying when you say she said ‘God made all men to be perverts’. She never ever said that at all!! She most definitely said she hated sex and felt it was made for men. But to outright accuse her of saying she accused all men of being perverts is not only a lie, but a complete dramatisation on your behalf. Are you trying to make this current post more dramatic perhaps.
I love your blog but have been a little concerned over some of your latest posts.II’ve heard you say many times that wives should not tolerate their husbands looking at other women. Not just porn, other women in general. Now your posts seem to be more of the mindset that ‘men can’t help it and women need to be gracious’. Why is it that Christians take a firm stand on other sins such as stealing, for example, but lust is something we need to be more gracious about.
If men can control not lusting after their own sister or daughter if they have one, then the same should be said for other women also.
I think you should correct your ‘God made all men to be perverts’ that simply was not said at all.
And maybe examine why that commenter’s post has wound you up to the point that it has!
Michelle, I honestly don’t remember the exact words she used. I deleted them because she asked me to, but I believe that she said that she doesn’t understand why God made men like that and insinuated that all men were gross.
I’ve restored some of the comments to the thread, and for the record, here is what I said to her (though she asked me to take it down. I’ve put it back up since there is debate about this):
*****
I’m so sorry that you’re in such pain, and I understand that you’ve experienced a LOT of pain from your husband. I also understand, from another comment, that your husband has been abusive. That is horrible and I hope that you have gotten some help and removed yourself and your children from any dangerous situation.
I do want to say something about B’s comment, though. That comment was not hateful in any way. I have had PLENTY of hateful comments on this blog, and I do delete them. But there is a big difference between someone who is being hateful and someone who is just simply disagreeing with you. He (or she) did not get personal in the comment but simply presented a view of the world which may be different from yours, but is valid. And he (or she) made a point of saying that if you had been abused or treated harshly, the comment wouldn’t necessarily apply anymore. So I read that comment as being actually quite a helpful one.
And I do think that B was trying to be helpful and had several good points.
If I can just step in it for a minute, here’s what I would say. You’ve been really hurt by your husband. He used porn; the porn likely made him very angry, which is a common effect of porn. He yelled at you and blamed you for it. Supposedly he got out of porn, but now he’s lusting after other women. And you feel disgusting. It’s made you assume that all men are pigs and that sex was created just for men.
But Mel–it really wasn’t. I understand that’s how you feel, but that doesn’t mean it’s true, which is what B was trying to say.
And so now you have a choice. You can continue to live like this, resenting your husband and believing that men were created as warped human creatures (my words, not yours, I’m sorry if I’m overstepping). But there are several problems with that: Your children are going to pick up on your attitudes and your resentment. And you really don’t want that for them. I’m sure you want them to have incredible marriages where they experience all that God has for them. And you also are stuck with a marriage that will never get better, because it can’t get better if you live with such resentment (which is also what B was trying to say, which is also true).
So what do you do about it? I’d suggest first and foremost that you talk to someone–a counselor, or a pastor who is good at counseling. Start to heal yourself so that you can see men and sex in a good light. Start to believe that you are worth something, that Jesus made you precious. Really work at getting over the resentment and bitterness, because you can’t make any headway in your marriage unless you deal with your own heart first.
Then, once that’s done, you now face another choice. What are you going to do about your marriage? I think you need another person to help you through this, especially if there has been abuse (and again, if there is abuse, please make sure that no one is in danger). Sometimes the way to work on your marriage is to draw boundaries and say, “no more of this”. What you can’t do is say, “I’m staying in this marriage and I’m going to resent you and never have sex with you ever again”, because that’s not a marriage. If you’re going to say in the marriage, then you have to do so while trying to work towards a healthy marriage. If your marriage can’t be healthy (because of abuse; I don’t know your whole situation), then it’s better to get out so that you all can be safe.
It may be that you can’t have a healthy marriage with your husband. I don’t know, which is why I really recommend getting someone else involved. They can likely teach you how to talk about this, and they can teach you how to have better confidence and a better outlook on men and the way God created us.
But staying stuck like this is not fair to your children, your husband, or you. You really need to do something. That’s what B was trying to say, and I think B was right.
One more thing: when we’re in pain, we tend to interpret anything that we disagree with as a personal attack. That’s what you’ve done here. And you’re so sensitive about it that, if I may be so bold, you were actually the one who was being hateful. You accused B of making a “fool of yourself” and attacking people and not being civil and having hatred and bitterness, which really was not evident in that comment. B did not make personal comments, only made an argument. You turned it personal.
I think that’s a sign to me that you’re really hurting. And if you react this way to B, I can imagine that perhaps you also react this way to your husband. That means that there are some serious heart issues that you need some help with. So please see someone that you can talk to. That’s why we’re in the body of Christ; so that we can get the help when we need it.
By the way, I don’t know what you mean by seeing B’s comments elsewhere. I checked, and B has never commented here before, using either the email or the IP address that B used. So I think you’re reacting so hard because you’re hurting, not because B said something inappropriate. Please get help, because your children need you to be strong and whole, and Jesus honestly wants that for you, too.
****
And I think there’s a misunderstanding about men being visually stimulated. I do believe that men are visually stimulated, and that it’s perfectly good and wonderful for wives to indulge that for men sometimes–put on the lingerie, be flirty, that’s wonderful!
But I also know that men who struggle with porn have taught themselves to objectify women, which is why I also write that if your husband is struggling with this, that’s the wrong thing to do (see this post, for instance).
I think that the issue here is that women who have lived through a porn addiction or who have a negative view of sex or who have been hurt interpret any comment that men like to look at their wives to mean that I’m encouraging women to become like porn. I’m not doing that at all! I’m saying that healthy sexuality will have a component of that; but when sexuality has been marred, that we need to deal with that pain first. But it is possible to have that healthy sexuality. I think some women can’t really believe that, and that’s the issue, I’m afraid.
As for why it’s gotten under my skin–I don’t think it has, really. I think the ISSUE has, because I’ve had several emails from women lately in so much pain and with a ton of bitterness, and I feel for them. I really do. But the problem is that the bitterness is hurting them so much, and they can’t see it! I just really want people to see this. It’s hard to in the midst of pain, but when we deal with that bitterness, so much of the pain goes away. You have no idea the number of emails I get from women in exactly this situation, and I feel it heavily. But how do you get people to see that their bitterness is holding them back so much (and also hurting their children)? That does get under my skin–and, to be frank, I really worry about the day that it stops.
Sheila, you are SO RIGHT about bitterness being a huge problem and roadblock to healing. I still carry a ton of bitterness from my upbringing, much less from the pain my husband has caused me (and the pain I have caused myself). My mom was borderline abusive and my husband was extremely neglectful (which I think is a form of emotional abuse). I thought I had come to grips with this but lately it seems more like I am GRIPPING it. We do need to let go in order to heal properly, otherwise the wounds stay open when we continue to lick them.
Exactly, Angie! And neglect is definitely a form of emotional abuse, by the way. I’m sorry that you’ve walked through that, but I’ve noticed lately that your comments are getting much more peaceful. I hope that means that you’re going through a good phase. I think of you and pray for you a lot!
You are so sweet! Thank you. A LOT of things have gotten better. Some days are unbelievably rough and he’ll pull through for me and be the hero, mostly things are even keeled now. Thank you for your prayers!
This post was perfect for me right where I am right now. I have been apart from my husband for two months and he is coming back next week. Our marriage has been rocky, laiden with porn and sexual and emotional abuse. I could not wait for this separation and kept thinking in my head how i hated him. But God has been working in my heart while he’s been gone. At first I was glad he was gone didn’t miss him a bit and wished something would happen so that he would not return. But while I have been allowing myself to hurt and crying to God for deliverance from this prison of bitterness and grief, He has been showing me how many of my actions and attitudes have attributed to our troubles. Also how my husband must feel at times. I feel like I am ready for him to come back and try it again. I’m not expecting happiness at least not for some years but I am hoping that we can at least stay together and work toward that goal.
Thank you Sheila so much for this blog and your books. They have been the biggest tools God has used in this change of heart for me. I believe you are doing a wonderful work.
What a hopeful story, Laura! I hope you have some people to stand beside you during this transition, because I know it will be hard. But it sounds like you drew some wise boundaries, and I hope that you can build something even better now!
Sounds similar to my life at the moment. I feel encouraged to keep pressing on just reading that someone else is going through this with hope.
Thank you
My first step came when I read a passage in the Bible … and I can’t remember it right now … but it showed me that holding on to bitterness and pain, building up walls so that he couldn’t hurt me again, was in fact rebellion against God! So, even though I was very scared, I told God that I was open to being vulnerable, open to healing. And God started working.
That’s amazing, Lisa! Very humbling, though, isn’t it?
Yes, it was very humbling. And God has blessed us so richly for our humility and willingness to let Him work rather than building up walls.
I continue to struggle with always being the one to show love and grace as my husband is not a Christian. I came to faith after we were married about 10 years and have been praying since, that was almost 10 years ago. I work very hard at submitting to him but he doesn’t see it as something God wants me to do. I know I feel anger and resentment that he is so stubborn to given Jesus, prayer, church a chance. I had breast cancer 2 years ago and really thought that might open his heart and turn to Jesus, nope it didn’t and he is still so worried, frustrated with life but can’t see Jesus is the answer. I’ve caught him watching porn among other things and I know he frequently does it, because he never suggests or initiates sex. We’ve been married almost 20 years and have 2 great girls, but I feel like my heart just keeps sinking. Thank you for your posts. I follow you on Facebook.
That’s so lonely, Tami. I’m sorry for what you’re going through. Just keep doing fun things together and try to build a friendship so that the sum total of your relationship isn’t this big disappointment. If there’s some laughter, maybe you can talk about this stuff more.
Blessings to you!
I was raised in a home where my emotions were not welcome. I was told that God wanted me to be happy and was sent to my room when I was upset and told to come out only when I was finished being sad/mad/upset. So when I would hear that I was supposed “let it go” and “give it to God” concerning despair or bitterness or anger, I assumed that God wouldn’t want to hear it either. So I pretended to be fine and pushed all the uncried tears deep down.
After a year of therapy, now I realize that God is the perfect parent. To “give it to God” means that I can crawl into my heavenly father’s lap and cry those tears and feel those feelings and trust Him to give comfort and gently guide me through it.
I used to think that I had to have the strength to push back the negative emotions and somehow let all the bitterness go. But I now know that all I have to do is trust God to be my parent. He will guide me through the process of crying those tears, feeling that pain, and ultimately releasing the pain so He can move me forward. It’s nice when humans validate my feelings and I sometimes ask for that from trusted relationships, but I find that a clearer view of who God is as my parent (different from my human ones) meets that need often now.
Just wanted to encourage us all that we don’t have to be rid of negative emotions to come to our Father because He can handle us and love us through them. He is a safe place for us when we are hurt. He can be trusted.
That’s so beautiful! And what a wonderful story of how much the therapist helped you. I suggest to so many people that they really need to talk to a counselor–I feel like a broken record so often. But it can make the world of difference when you get a therapist who is really gifted. I’m glad that you showed us that. I’m sure there was someone reading who needed a push in that direction!
Yup. Totally lived that in my upbringing. Only I didn’t really see my mom exhibit emotions unless they were angry ones. It was ok for her but not anyone else to show emotion.
Sheila, I just found your blog and love it! My husband and I just celebrated our 33 anniversary. We had a rough few years around our 10th anniversary. I was 7 months pregnant with our second child when he told me he wasn’t in love with me anymore. We separated briefly after our son was born. I remember being on my knees, sobbing, for God to take all of this from me – the pain, the hurt, the mess. I remember a feeling of calm coming over me. When I gave it all over to God, and put it in his hands, that is when things began to change. I began to realize that the boys and I would be ok. God was in control. I love your comment “when you surrender to God, the bitterness goes.” That statement is SO true! Instead of being bitter, I started looking forward to what I needed to do to take care of myself and our sons. I let the anger and hurt go. Whatever happened, we would be ok. That’s not to say it was easy, far from it. But God gave me the strength I needed to get through that period.
There wasn’t a quick or easy fix to our marriage. There was a lot of work on both our parts; many ups and downs, many tears. It took probably 4 years before we could say our marriage was healed. I learned a great deal about myself during this period, and more importantly, I learned about God’s grace and about forgiveness.
MY HUSBAND CHEATED ON ME WITH A WOMAN CO-WORKER ABOUT 2 YEARS AGO. THE WOMAN HE TALKED TO ALL THE TIME WAS HIS BEST FRIEND WIFE AT WORK. I CONFRONTED HIM FEBRUARY 2014 ABOUT THE WOMAN HE WAS TALKING WITH SO MUCH & TEXTING ON THE PHONE. HE PROMISE ME HE WOULDN’T TALK TO HER NO MORE, BUT I FOUND A PHONE IN HIS SOCK DRAWER WHERE HE HAD BEEN TALKING WITH HER. THE PHONE WAS A SPARE PHONE WE HAD . SHE HAD THE PHONE CHARGED TO HERE HUSBAND ACCOUNT. HE SAID HE WAS TALKING TO HER ABOUT HER HUSBAND DRINKING PROBLEM AND ABOUT FINANCIAL PROBLEMS THEY WERE HAVING. HE ALSO TOLD HER THAT HE LOVED HER & SHE TOLD ME THAT SHE LOVES MY HUSBAND. THEY STILL WORKING OUT OF THE SAME LOCATION. I DON’T TRUST MY HUSBAND ANY MORE BECAUSE I FEEL HE DIDN’T RESPECT ME WHEN I ASKED HIM TO STOP TALKING & TEXTING HER. HE ALSO DELETED HIS PHONE CALLS & TEXTS TO HER OFF HIS PHONE. WHEN YOU TALK TO SOMEONE AS MUCH AS HE DID THERE WAS MORE GOING ON THEN WHAT HE SAYS?
Karen, that sounds like a lot of deception and a definite emotional affair happening. I’m so sorry! It really sounds like you need a counsellor to walk through this with you or at least a mentor couple to sit down with you both and help you try to work this out. But no, this is not acceptable, and you need to stand up and tell your husband this has to stop.