What if feeling distant in your marriage isn’t something that has to last forever? What if you really could turn the corner?
Every Friday I like to post a quick 400-word marriage inspirational piece to give you one thought to chew on over the weekend. This week’s is a super important one. Please read it with an open mind, because often when you’re in the middle of a distant marriage, it’s easy to feel like there’s nothing you can do. What if there is?
Sheila’s Marriage Moment: When Your Marriage Feels Distant
Are you generally a nice person?
Seriously, do people generally like you? Are you kind to others, asking about how they’re doing and genuinely caring if they’re having a hard time? Do you go out of your way to make others feel at ease around you?
Now, try your best to answer this one objectively: Is your husband generally a nice person? Do others find him trustworthy and kind? Do others consider him responsible?
If you’re like most people, the answer to both questions will be “yes”, because most people enjoy being liked by others and genuinely enjoy having good relationships with others.
(Some people don’t. Some people honestly do see others are means to an end, and in that case, we’re likely dealing with a mental illness or true personality disorders. In that’s true for you, please read this post about emotionally destructive marriages.)
Now ask yourself this question: Am I a different person with the way that I act towards my husband? Is he a different person with the way he acts towards me?
For instance, I have a friend who is a gregarious person, who is always helpful and kind. She’s always smiling, and she has a ton of friends. Yet with her husband she rarely smiles and rarely has a conversation. She just explains what she needs him to do, and that’s where talking ends.
The way that she acts with her husband is completely at odds with her natural personality.
Similarly, her husband is usually very aware of others’ feelings and goes to lengths to make sure those in their church feel welcome. Yet he doesn’t seem to care for his wife.
I have seen this dynamic in so many relationships, and here’s what I’ve concluded:
When two people treat each other much more harshly and less lovingly than they treat everyone else, the problem is usually a relationship one, not a character one.
That’s so key to understand, because the reason that the negative dynamic started was usually something like this:
He does something and she feels hurt. She assumes that he meant to hurt her. She tries to explain and he doesn’t get it, cementing the idea that he doesn’t care. She withdraws. He feels distant, so he withdraws. And soon they’re prickly with each other because they both feel unloved.
But what if he never meant to hurt her? What if it was simply a misunderstanding? What if it’s simply personality differences? After years of hurt and more walls being built up, it’s hard to get back to the beginning.
Most divorces happen because two people start treating each other worse than they do everybody else because they’ve been hurt. So ask yourself: Is the way we treat each other indicative of our character, or really more a sign of our relationship?
And if it’s your relationship–it’s totally fixable! Sit down and talk about it. Try to start doing more fun things together and build your friendship with your husband. Be kind. And you may find that that dynamic can change back!
Does this post really speak to you?
Do you feel like your marriage has taken a weird turn, and you have lost that ability to see each other in a good light and be kind to one another? Maybe you just need to change the way you think!
And it doesn’t have to be that hard.
My book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage can take you through some basic questions that pinpoint where your marriage went off the rails–and can help you get back to feeling close again.
You’ll learn how to stop that drift that starts in most marriages–and how to change the constant irritation you feel into gratitude again–for real.
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
My husband and I were in a place like this, but the problem wasn’t that I assumed he meant to hurt me. When he did something that did hurt me, I would try to talk to him about it, not assuming the worst or even being critical and every time he would not even acknowledge it. He would tell me that I shouldn’t be hurt and that he didn’t do anything wrong. He never listened, never even tried to understand why I was feeling hurt, never took any responsibility for anything, and never apologized. There were several reasons for this, none of which had to do with me. Not that I always handled these things perfectly, but I had a fairly good handle on it much of the time. I have different issues. It wasn’t until I put my foot down and refused to accept this behavior that he was finally willing to start addressing it. As we’ve whittled away at the reasons why he couldn’t empathise with me and accept responsibility for his actions I’ve been able to bring hurts to him and we’ve been able to talk them out. When this happens my hurts never turn into anything big, but when my hurts were never accepted and talked through properly they where huge walls in our relationship.
So glad you DID something about it, Tracy, rather than just feeling hurt! Sometimes relationship problems are solved by drawing boundaries and saying, “this won’t stand anymore.” It isn’t always about being “nicer”. Glad things are better!
So right!!! As with Tracy, a lot of women just have to put their foot down with their husbands. I did! And this goes AGAINST mainstream Christian Wifey advice, but it works! I am currently reading a book (Married but Lonely) and even though I’m not exactly following the steps, I am implementing some of the advice and things between my husband and I are getting better and better! I HIGHLY recommend this book to wives with intimacy avoiding husbands, and husbands like mine and Tracy’s!
I’ll definitely look into the book you suggested. I’m getting ready to confront my husband this weekend. Every time I think he is finally getting it(I’m often admitting to him how I contribute to the problem), he reverts back to his old behavior that has caused problems from almost day one. Luckily, it is not related to an affair or porn. Maybe I’ll try to read the book, and pray even more before I put my thoughts together and confront about what I will not accept anymore. Thank you!
I encourage you to pray about how to bring up this issue, and to do so with humility. I know when my wife approaches me with concerns about our marriage, especially when she feels I am the one who is missing the mark (and there are times she is absolutely correct), how she approaches me is often the difference between a great conversation at the end (it usually doesn’t start off so great) and me digging in my heels. It goes the same way if I feel the need to bring up issues to her.
Angie,
I think I need to look into that book too. Can you tell us who the author is?
The authors are David E. Clarke, PHD and William G. Clarke, MA.
This really encouraged me today, thank you! My hubby and I are home from the mission field on furlough right now and have been feeling a lot of stress on our marriage in these months at home. I’ve definitely been feeling more distance between us lately and I’ve been discouraged. I do think the stress we’ve both been experiencing has just caused us to forget how important it is to treat each other just as kindly as we do everyone else around us, and those little moments of grumpiness and irritability have built some walls of hurt lately. I especially needed the reminder that it doesn’t have to last forever! I appreciate the reminder to get back to the basics of loving each other, just being kind, forgiving and considerate. Thank you Sheila!
Sadly, my husband and I have discovered that we don’t have anything in common. Oh, sure there are some things like our Christian values, our quick whit, and our enjoyment of a good book. But those things aren’t hobbies to fill free time together. This, as well as our differing ideas of good communication, has created so much distance. We have talked about the state of our marriage, and both admit it’s not good. The difference is in our attitudes about it. I do not accept this. I want to try new things. I want to find common ground. I am praying for a miracle. But my husband told he he has just accepted how things are. He’s just not fighting it anymore. He has no hope of it ever changing. Arggg! But I refuse to surrender!
As a man, I find this to be true for both spouses, as your words express. But what happens when the other person says everything is fine and does not want to address the others hurt. For instance, I send some of these articles to my wife, and the reply is, stop sending me that stuff. Sometimes a spouse prefers to just pretend everything is ok and not deal with issues. I have found that as they say, it takes two to tango, two to come clean, two to participate, two to solve and two for everything. The one way street solution does not seem to work.
Thanks for the great words.
Help!!
My wife seems to have lost all interest in me sexually. I’ve tried so many things and see lots of “helpful” tips from women such as “if you weren’t so lazy… didn’t watch tv all day…helped with kids…etc…” but none seem to help. I’m often working 12-13 hours a day.. cleaning the house, getting groceries, don’t watch much tv…. and she spends so much time online!! I tried buying gifts…being patient…praying…talking… really need help!!!
Seems she just doesn’t care…
Please help.
hurt,
I suggest you take the Five Love Languages quiz online. It can help you and your wife pinpoint what it is she wants from you. My marriage had this problem as well and this was the solution! Good luck!