Last week I wrote a post on 10 Sexy Questions to ask your husband.
I had some men ask afterwards, “can you give us a list to ask your wives?”
It sounded like a great idea, so I said, “sure!” And I asked on my Facebook Page for some help from other women with suggestions.
And as I thought about it, and as the answers poured in, I realized sexy questions aimed at women aren’t that simple.
In this post on why husbands may not understand how important foreplay is, I included a hilarious video from Amanda Gore explaining how women work sexually. Basically, you don’t want to touch those “special bits”, as she calls them (the breasts or genitals), until she’s at the point where she’s begging for her husband to do so. If you touch those too early, you actually turn her off.
This is so true–and the same principle is at work for flirting, too.
Unlike men, women, on the whole, are not usually “raring to go”. We need to warm up to the idea of sex. It seems really strange, because most women do enjoy sex, so why wouldn’t we want to do it all the time? But if we’re not specifically thinking about it and in the mood, then the idea of sex seems almost off-putting. A switch needs to be turned so that we move from “turned off” to “turn on”. For guys, that switch is almost always on; for women, it’s not.
Here’s the hard thing about that switch: guys can’t flip it for us. We need to turn it on ourselves.
We need to decide, “okay, I want to feel sexy now.”
So a guy’s job is simply to warm a woman up so that she is more likely to want to flip that switch. If he acts as if the switch is already flipped by making obvious sexual comments or by grabbing parts of her body as she walks by, chances are she won’t react well. But warm her up first so that she flips that switch, and then those things are absolutely okay!
One woman explained this brilliantly on my Facebook Page:
Don’t act sexy! After a long day I don’t want to feel propositioned. I want to feel like he’s my best friend, like he still enjoys my conversation–laughing with me, etc. I want to know he thinks about and considers me!
Now, I realize this is a big generalization. Some guys are NOT raring to go at all times, and some women really are, and wouldn’t mind going straight to the sexy bits right away. In fact, the same woman may act differently throughout the month depending on hormone levels or on how close you both are feeling (for instance, the day after a wonderful time in the bedroom she’ll likely be more flirty and sexual right off the bat!).
But here’s the general progression:
Warming up — Flirty — Sexual
Once a wife is obviously flirting, then ramping it up is fine. But if she’s still at the warming up stage, don’t go straight to the sexual!
Whew. That’s a big explanation. But when I asked on Facebook for suggestions, almost all women universally left “warming up” questions. And I think that’s a good idea, because once a woman is warmed up and flirty–you guys can likely handle the sexual parts yourself. The more difficult issue is how to get her warmed up in the first place!
So, without further adieu, here are 10 “sexy questions” that will help women feel more flirty and in the mood!
With many thanks to all of my Facebook fans for these suggestions!
1. “What can I do to help?”
Probably the most frequent question suggested was something along the lines of “can I do the dishes tonight?”, or “can I do the kids’ bedtime routine on my own tonight?” or “what can I do to make your evening run more smoothly?”
Seriously. Of 52 answers on Facebook, probably half were this. So take the hint! One reason that women have a hard time getting in the mood is that nighttime is busy and chaotic and there is so much running through our brains. Take some of that load off, and we’ll be able to calm down a bit and have some quiet, peaceful moments. And that can lead to more energetic moments!
2. “How was your day?”
One woman laughs at how simple this sounds, but then explains:
Seriously, when my husband will sit down with me for a few minutes and have a NON sexual conversation, I can jump from 0-60 in no time.
On a similar vein, one woman suggested the question, “How are you FEELING”?
Not just are you okay, not just how’s it going, but an earnest and sincere inquiry into my feelings/emotional thought life.
Sometimes I get so lost in my head I need a place to put all of the feelings to make room for sexy thoughts. It doesn’t often take long to make room either!
3. “Did you get more beautiful today?”
Yesterday my husband just looked at me deep in the eyes out of the blue like he was surprised and said “did you get more beautiful today?” Caught me totally off-guard. Probably wouldn’t work everyday, but it was really sweet!
Another woman said a similar thing:
In the shower the other day, my hubby randomly said, “Gosh, you are pretty. Do you know that?” That made me get butterflies!
In both cases, the husbands just acted like they got caught off guard by how beautiful she was. We want to know that we can still take your breath away!
And Guys: hear this woman on this tip–if you’re going to compliment her looks (which you should), don’t mention the traditional “sexy” parts right off the bat. Try something more like this. Sweet works better than sexy when you’re just warming up!
4. “May I massage your feet?”
Pretty much everybody on Facebook agreed–that would do it! Offering a massage is always a good choice, because it feels so great, it allows some physical contact which helps her feel more “in the mood”, and it relaxes her so she’s able to get all those distractions out of her head that can keep her from wanting to make love.
Here’s a similar one: “Do you want to cuddle?” Anything that suggests touching and physical contact that isn’t overtly sexual tends to go over really well. Here’s why:
Seriously, no-strings-attached cuddling?! Yes, please!! I think if a guy offers cuddling without expecting anything to happen, then it’s a lot more likely something will happen. Probably because we know we’re being enjoyed just for being us, and not for just our bodies.
5. “How did I get so blessed to marry a woman who is such a wonderful mom?” (Or insert other great character trait here!)
A woman explains:
A character compliment (“I’m proud of you,” or “Our kids are so lucky to have you for a mom”) is a huge turn-on. I know he’s attracted to me, but hearing that he sees what I do and believes in me as a person is more sexy than almost anything else.
Please hear her, guys, because this is important: we know you want our bodies. We want to know that you want our hearts as well!
6. “When did you know I was the one?”
Ask something that brings up romantic memories!
One of the biggest things that really gets everything firing for me is relive our dating and newlywed days. Questions like what did you think about me when we first met? When did you know I was the one? What do you remember about our first date? What are your best memories from our honeymoon?
When you’re the one who asks the question, you’re saying, “I want to relive this with you, because it mattered to me, too.” Bring up those feelings and you can see where they go!
Or go the other route, and ask a question that will create MORE romantic memories, like this woman recommends: “What do you want to do on our next date night?” She explains:
I feel special just planning a date, even if it is weeks away. If he brings it up, it shows that he wants to spend time with just me. Plus if we plan in advance, we wind up doing something more fun than dinner-and-a-movie.
7. Don’t ask a question at all. Just show that you noticed something she cares about: “I remember hearing you say you love peanut M&Ms, so I picked some up for you on the way home.”
A woman explains:
Being “seen” and “heard” is sexy! I am so harried that having my husband make statements instead of asking a question is usually more valuable than asking a question (unless it is seeking my opinion about a flavor of chocolate/coffee). Children ask questions. Husbands make statements that show they notice: “You’ve got a lot done today. I’d like to sit with you on the deck before going to bed. I started a pot of coffee.” My eyes see stars!!!
But what if she IS at the flirty stage now? Try these sexier questions!
8. “I’ve been thinking about you all day, and what I’d like to do.”
Some women would rather get right to the point! And if you’re going to get right to the point, explain to her what you want to do, because a woman’s libido is often linked to feeling desired, rather than to desiring something herself. So instead of saying, “I’m going to do X to you later,” try “I want to do X and see Y later.” It’s a subtle shift, but it matters.
A wife explains:
I would like for him to tell me how turned on HE is, that he’s been thinking about me (and it) all day. I’d like kissing and close talking and hearing what he’d like to do next.
9. “Can I get you out of those clothes? They look so uncomfortable.”
Or even switch roles: “I’m so uncomfortable in these clothes. Can you help me get them off?” That’s flirty and suggestive, but not blatantly graphic or sexual. And it will tend to work better!
10. “How can I make you moan louder?”
Save this one until everything is heated up and going well–and it will likely go even better.
Or throw this one in, too: “We tried something last time that you really liked, but I can’t remember what it is. Can we experiment until we figure it out?” Show her you’re interested in her pleasure and you want to learn, and she’ll feel much more cherished!
One last idea that isn’t a question but an action. Kiss more! Start kissing just tenderly to show her you love her. Then let it build. Don’t start out passionately, as if you’re saying, “I want you right now!” Start off just kissing her like you love her. Let her set the pace. And you just may find that she can flip that switch without any words on your part!
And remember, guys: If you’re desperate to find ways to help her flip that switch, my book 31 Days to Great Sex is filled with fun challenges that will help you be able to talk about sex more, flirt more, and figure out what makes each of you tick. What women tell me is that after going through the book they feel much freer with their husbands because they were able to have some real conversations about this and learn more about how they each work. It’s super fun, and I’ve kept it really cheap to help as many marriages as possible.
Share this on Facebook so that more guys will see it!
And what would you add to the list? Have any ideas for sexy questions that weren’t covered? Leave them in the comments to help out the guys who come here looking for ideas!