Last week I wrote a post on 10 Sexy Questions to ask your husband.
I had some men ask afterwards, “can you give us a list to ask your wives?”
It sounded like a great idea, so I said, “sure!” And I asked on my Facebook Page for some help from other women with suggestions.
And as I thought about it, and as the answers poured in, I realized sexy questions aimed at women aren’t that simple.
In this post on why husbands may not understand how important foreplay is, I included a hilarious video from Amanda Gore explaining how women work sexually. Basically, you don’t want to touch those “special bits”, as she calls them (the breasts or genitals), until she’s at the point where she’s begging for her husband to do so. If you touch those too early, you actually turn her off.
This is so true–and the same principle is at work for flirting, too.
Unlike men, women, on the whole, are not usually “raring to go”. We need to warm up to the idea of sex. It seems really strange, because most women do enjoy sex, so why wouldn’t we want to do it all the time? But if we’re not specifically thinking about it and in the mood, then the idea of sex seems almost off-putting. A switch needs to be turned so that we move from “turned off” to “turn on”. For guys, that switch is almost always on; for women, it’s not.
Here’s the hard thing about that switch: guys can’t flip it for us. We need to turn it on ourselves.
We need to decide, “okay, I want to feel sexy now.”
So a guy’s job is simply to warm a woman up so that she is more likely to want to flip that switch. If he acts as if the switch is already flipped by making obvious sexual comments or by grabbing parts of her body as she walks by, chances are she won’t react well. But warm her up first so that she flips that switch, and then those things are absolutely okay!
One woman explained this brilliantly on my Facebook Page:
Don’t act sexy! After a long day I don’t want to feel propositioned. I want to feel like he’s my best friend, like he still enjoys my conversation–laughing with me, etc. I want to know he thinks about and considers me!
Yep.
Now, I realize this is a big generalization. Some guys are NOT raring to go at all times, and some women really are, and wouldn’t mind going straight to the sexy bits right away. In fact, the same woman may act differently throughout the month depending on hormone levels or on how close you both are feeling (for instance, the day after a wonderful time in the bedroom she’ll likely be more flirty and sexual right off the bat!).
But here’s the general progression:
Warming up — Flirty — Sexual
Once a wife is obviously flirting, then ramping it up is fine. But if she’s still at the warming up stage, don’t go straight to the sexual!
Whew. That’s a big explanation. But when I asked on Facebook for suggestions, almost all women universally left “warming up” questions. And I think that’s a good idea, because once a woman is warmed up and flirty–you guys can likely handle the sexual parts yourself. The more difficult issue is how to get her warmed up in the first place!
So, without further adieu, here are 10 “sexy questions” that will help women feel more flirty and in the mood!
With many thanks to all of my Facebook fans for these suggestions!
1. “What can I do to help?”
Probably the most frequent question suggested was something along the lines of “can I do the dishes tonight?”, or “can I do the kids’ bedtime routine on my own tonight?” or “what can I do to make your evening run more smoothly?”
Seriously. Of 52 answers on Facebook, probably half were this. So take the hint! One reason that women have a hard time getting in the mood is that nighttime is busy and chaotic and there is so much running through our brains. Take some of that load off, and we’ll be able to calm down a bit and have some quiet, peaceful moments. And that can lead to more energetic moments!
2. “How was your day?”
One woman laughs at how simple this sounds, but then explains:
Seriously, when my husband will sit down with me for a few minutes and have a NON sexual conversation, I can jump from 0-60 in no time.
On a similar vein, one woman suggested the question, “How are you FEELING”?
Not just are you okay, not just how’s it going, but an earnest and sincere inquiry into my feelings/emotional thought life.
Sometimes I get so lost in my head I need a place to put all of the feelings to make room for sexy thoughts. It doesn’t often take long to make room either!
3. “Did you get more beautiful today?”
Yesterday my husband just looked at me deep in the eyes out of the blue like he was surprised and said “did you get more beautiful today?” Caught me totally off-guard. Probably wouldn’t work everyday, but it was really sweet!
Another woman said a similar thing:
In the shower the other day, my hubby randomly said, “Gosh, you are pretty. Do you know that?” That made me get butterflies!
In both cases, the husbands just acted like they got caught off guard by how beautiful she was. We want to know that we can still take your breath away!
And Guys: hear this woman on this tip–if you’re going to compliment her looks (which you should), don’t mention the traditional “sexy” parts right off the bat. Try something more like this. Sweet works better than sexy when you’re just warming up!
4. “May I massage your feet?”
Pretty much everybody on Facebook agreed–that would do it! Offering a massage is always a good choice, because it feels so great, it allows some physical contact which helps her feel more “in the mood”, and it relaxes her so she’s able to get all those distractions out of her head that can keep her from wanting to make love.
Here’s a similar one: “Do you want to cuddle?” Anything that suggests touching and physical contact that isn’t overtly sexual tends to go over really well. Here’s why:
Seriously, no-strings-attached cuddling?! Yes, please!! I think if a guy offers cuddling without expecting anything to happen, then it’s a lot more likely something will happen. Probably because we know we’re being enjoyed just for being us, and not for just our bodies.
5. “How did I get so blessed to marry a woman who is such a wonderful mom?” (Or insert other great character trait here!)
A woman explains:
A character compliment (“I’m proud of you,” or “Our kids are so lucky to have you for a mom”) is a huge turn-on. I know he’s attracted to me, but hearing that he sees what I do and believes in me as a person is more sexy than almost anything else.
Please hear her, guys, because this is important: we know you want our bodies. We want to know that you want our hearts as well!
6. “When did you know I was the one?”
Ask something that brings up romantic memories!
One of the biggest things that really gets everything firing for me is relive our dating and newlywed days. Questions like what did you think about me when we first met? When did you know I was the one? What do you remember about our first date? What are your best memories from our honeymoon?
When you’re the one who asks the question, you’re saying, “I want to relive this with you, because it mattered to me, too.” Bring up those feelings and you can see where they go!
Or go the other route, and ask a question that will create MORE romantic memories, like this woman recommends: “What do you want to do on our next date night?” She explains:
I feel special just planning a date, even if it is weeks away. If he brings it up, it shows that he wants to spend time with just me. Plus if we plan in advance, we wind up doing something more fun than dinner-and-a-movie.
7. Don’t ask a question at all. Just show that you noticed something she cares about: “I remember hearing you say you love peanut M&Ms, so I picked some up for you on the way home.”
A woman explains:
Being “seen” and “heard” is sexy! I am so harried that having my husband make statements instead of asking a question is usually more valuable than asking a question (unless it is seeking my opinion about a flavor of chocolate/coffee). Children ask questions. Husbands make statements that show they notice: “You’ve got a lot done today. I’d like to sit with you on the deck before going to bed. I started a pot of coffee.” My eyes see stars!!!
But what if she IS at the flirty stage now? Try these sexier questions!
8. “I’ve been thinking about you all day, and what I’d like to do.”
Some women would rather get right to the point! And if you’re going to get right to the point, explain to her what you want to do, because a woman’s libido is often linked to feeling desired, rather than to desiring something herself. So instead of saying, “I’m going to do X to you later,” try “I want to do X and see Y later.” It’s a subtle shift, but it matters.
A wife explains:
I would like for him to tell me how turned on HE is, that he’s been thinking about me (and it) all day. I’d like kissing and close talking and hearing what he’d like to do next.
9. “Can I get you out of those clothes? They look so uncomfortable.”
Or even switch roles: “I’m so uncomfortable in these clothes. Can you help me get them off?” That’s flirty and suggestive, but not blatantly graphic or sexual. And it will tend to work better!
10. “How can I make you moan louder?”
Save this one until everything is heated up and going well–and it will likely go even better.
Or throw this one in, too: “We tried something last time that you really liked, but I can’t remember what it is. Can we experiment until we figure it out?” Show her you’re interested in her pleasure and you want to learn, and she’ll feel much more cherished!
One last idea that isn’t a question but an action. Kiss more! Start kissing just tenderly to show her you love her. Then let it build. Don’t start out passionately, as if you’re saying, “I want you right now!” Start off just kissing her like you love her. Let her set the pace. And you just may find that she can flip that switch without any words on your part!
And remember, guys: If you’re desperate to find ways to help her flip that switch, my book 31 Days to Great Sex is filled with fun challenges that will help you be able to talk about sex more, flirt more, and figure out what makes each of you tick. What women tell me is that after going through the book they feel much freer with their husbands because they were able to have some real conversations about this and learn more about how they each work. It’s super fun, and I’ve kept it really cheap to help as many marriages as possible.
Share this on Facebook so that more guys will see it!
And what would you add to the list? Have any ideas for sexy questions that weren’t covered? Leave them in the comments to help out the guys who come here looking for ideas!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I think the key is to know your wife and to be honest. I wouldn’t ask my wife the questions here. I already know she would always enjoy a foot rub. With older kids in the house, moaning is kept rather quiet (although when the kids are out …). While I don’t expect my wife to want to get right to it when I am playful with her, it builds her confidence knowing she turns me on, so a gentle touch on intimate places is almost always welcomed. I have even come home, found the kids out of a room she is in, and looked down her shirt and told her I just wanted to know what color bra she was wearing and that it looks beautiful on her. Afterwards I may go find the kids, get some work done around the house, or help with something else, but she has received the message that I find her attractive loud and clear. This comes from many years of getting to know her,which also means knowing when not to do those things,such as when there is something serious on her mind. Each person is unique, and there isn’t a one size fits all approach.
YES! These are awesome! I am sending this one to hubby for sure. 😉
Husband speaking here.
1,4, and 7 are unwritten contracts that are basically “if I do ______ will you agree to meet my needs?”. Those are a bad idea. Imagine a wife expecting that if she carried out a specific list of demands/requirements/requests BEFORE her husband considered meeting her emotional/security needs.
Cam, I really do understand what you’re saying, but I don’t think the analogy sticks. I’m not saying that this is what you HAVE to do to have sex. Not at all. We’re just saying that these things are more likely to get a woman in the mood–just like I’ve had other posts and chapters in my book saying that the more that you make love to your husband, the more likely he is to be affectionate towards you.
It’s just a matter of giving to each other. It doesn’t mean that it’s the only time you give, or that you must do this or your spouse won’t meet your needs. Only that if you want your spouse to feel loved and desired (just as I said to women last week in my post for how to ask sexy questions to their husbands), these are good things to do. That’s all.
Thank you for the reply. Longtime reader and purchased a few of your books over the years (wife is a big fan of “Day 5”, btw). Yes, I saw the post on the FB page and that’s where I noticed the initial comments, several revolving around service.
**Please note that there is zero disagreement from me. I take issue with not one word of your post or your reply. I just consider this another one of those instances where men/women think differently, and as you eloquently write so often, neither is better or worse…just different.**
With that in mind, some of the replies to your FB post and the number of likes they received reinforces that which some husbands do find a bit troubling: IF he helps with the nighttime duties, IF he helps get the kids to bed, IF he helps with the dishes, IF, etc. Yes, that relieves pressure/stress/burden from the wife and obviously a lot of wives (most?) legitimately feel that “he’s thinking of helping me” or “he’s doing this for me and it makes me feel loved”. Absolutely!
I’m just saying: those are chores. That is choreplay. Google “choreplay”, CBS news even did a segment on the topic. Covert contracts where sex can be seen as a “reward” can be dangerous. And as the CBS News segment illustrated, our culture is promoting the notion that a husband doing household chores is ‘sexy’ or that which can be rewarded with sex.
Same scenario, different viewpoints.
I do understand what you’re saying, Cam. And I’m glad you brought this up, because I really don’t want any women to think that it’s okay to withhold sex if their husbands aren’t doing chores! I certainly didn’t emphasize that in the post, and it gives some clarification, so thank you.
But I think the question I was trying to answer was this: what’s most likely to get you in the mood? Like, what’s your biggest way of feeling loved? And a lot of people simply feel loved when guys help around the house. Again, I’m not saying that sex is the reward for it; but it will happen that women tend to feel more loved when the housework and childcare is shared.
This should never be about gatekeeping, and I would hope that no woman would withhold sex because of this; indeed, I’ve written about that numerous times! But you really can’t change the fact that women do feel more loved when they’re helped out, and not only because the guy helped, but also because the way that women’s brains work, we have a hard time settling down and calming down and being able to concentrate on sex when there are a million things on our to do lists and a million things on our brains. If guys can help us get rid of those things, it really does help us be able to relax and think about sex more.
I think that’s just a relational truth. It’s not about reward or withholding or the price of sex at all. It’s simply about how women feel appreciated and what helps to relax us so that we’re able to concentrate (because we really do need to concentrate on our bodies to get aroused!).
I totally agree that chores shouldn’t be seen as the “price” of sex, and I also agree that far too many women do that. But I think to say that there should never be a connection between chores and sex is also wrong, because that’s not the way our brains work, and to argue that it shouldn’t happen is similar to the argument that men shouldn’t be visually stimulated. We just simply ARE. And I think for women it’s that desperate need to be able to relax in order to get ready to feel aroused. So there is a connection. It should never be the price, as I said, but to deny the connection also does a disservice I think. Incidentally, that’s also why I had so many questions in last week’s post that were about visually stimulating your husband. That’s how men are wired; I think if we’re going to try to ignite a libido, then we should address people how they’re wired. So in this post I was trying to do the same thing from the opposite point of view.
And the fact that so many women are desperate for night time help should really stand out to guys, because that’s what the vast majority of women say. It’s not that we’ll give rewards for guys for sex; it’s that we WANT to be able to relax at night; we WANT to be able to focus on you; we WANT to be able to get all these stray thoughts and pressures and to do lists out of our minds, but it’s so difficult to do when there’s so much household chaos. Do what you can to reduce the household chaos, and it really is showing us love and setting the stage where it’s easier to turn off all this stuff in our brains!
I think Cam is missing the point entirely. There are only so many hours in the day. Humans need sleep. If a wife is on her feet tending the kids and the house for 16-18 hours a day, her health will suffer. Period. People with declining health have a dramatic suppression of their sex drive. Many mothers are exhausted. I cannot tell how many times I have witnessed the glazed over eyes of a dad whose wife just had a baby and he’s taking care of the kids for a week. He’s keeping everyone fed and out of the ER but the house is chaotic and messy, the kids are crabby from watching too much TV, etc. He cannot WAIT until he gets to go back to work. Then his wife, only a week or so out from giving birth, takes care of everything she did before, plus a newborn who needs to be fed frequently day and night, plus cleaning up the undone chores from when her husband was in charge. Toddlers can be just as exhausting as newborns, especially when they’re teething.
And the husband wonders why she’s too tired for sex.
It has nothing to do with tit for tat. Exhaustion is a legitimate reason.
That’s very true, too, Lisa. I have never been as tired in my life as when I had a toddler and a baby. It really was exhausting.
Sheila, I’ve given a lot of thought to this particular post partly because there’s something in it for me 🙂 and partly because (reading FB responses) I thought a little perspective could be helpful.
Here’s the deal: I had to let go of some expectations during my baby years (and I had 6 in 9 years, not counting 3 losses) because even though I was pretty tired a good part of the time (not always), my husband was ALSO exhausted ALL the time. During the first decade of our marriage, my husband worked 70-80 hours a week in heavy construction work (welding, block/stone mason). He did this so I could stay home with our babies. And I did. I also observed that no matter how tired he was, he was always in the mood. Sleep did not matter as much to him as sex. This is a big message to tired mamas: don’t cite tiredness as either an excuse or reason for not bothering about sex. Some of our husbands are more tired than we are and they can still pay attention to that need. I learned that I could too. Key for me was planning ahead so that lying down and having to get back up was not a seemingly insurmountable obstacle.
I guess I also mention that because I learned to lay aside the expectation of help around the house. Husband helping IS sexy! But if I didn’t get that, what could warm me up regardless? The plain truth is that there was often not a lot of warm up and there was a lot of reliance on “I’m dead tired but I do want to go to bed with my wife” and after long days apart, I am thankful that being wanted meant something to me! Also, it goes without saying that watching a dead-tired dad romp with his kids and hug on them and tease them…that’s sexy too. Not that I learned this early on, unfortunately. I’m sorry that some of this perspective came a long time after living it, and marriage was hard during baby years. Wouldn’t it be nice if all husbands only had to work 40 hours a week at a non-stressful job and could give as much at home as we wives think we do?
I would also like to throw in that though my husband rarely mentioned the difficult work place temptations, it is something we wives do not take into consideration enough. My husband has told me things like having a co-worker thrust a cell phone at him and say “Look!” and having his eyes assaulted with bestiality and porn. He quickly learned NOT to look when told to! Lately, my husband’s had to deal with a co-worker leaving on a radio station that broadcasts audio porn of the vilest kind (incest, promiscuity, etc). This co-worker also has a degenerate language set. We stay-at-home wives cannot imagine the filth our husbands face on a daily basis for our sakes. Having them come home to us in sort of one piece and still desiring us (us! with our frowzy hair and sweat pants) is pretty sexy in my opinion. Again, this is not something I learned early on, just in the last few years, and I wish I had been more aware.
It’s why I learned to love just sitting and chatting with my husband at the end of a busy day (for both of us). I learned that if he could abide that I was leaving cluttered counters to just drink tea and talk to him (outside on the non-messy deck), I could abide that too. I have never been the greatest housekeeper anyway and if he could overlook my faults and still love me when I really ought to have had the dishes done already…well, I learned to find that to be really sexy. (And I’ve got tears gathering in my eyes. My husband has been terrific when I didn’t deserve his kindness.)
I’d like to see a post for husbands that is equally steamy as the one you wrote for the wives. Like, 10 sexier questions for husbands to ask after they’ve helped with the chores! LOL You got close with numbers 8- 10. I noticed that several wives (on the FB post) preferred questions with innuendos or outright propositions. Sometimes when my husband “asks” with his quirky sense of humor I laugh and things just go from there. 😉 Adding humor to the whole scenario is a big plus!
When my husband calls and says, “Hi Beautiful, how’s your day?” I just about melt! I love, love, love when he calls me beautiful.
And yes, when he used to bring home something like my favorite Jelly Bellies it was so heart warming because I knew he was thinking of me. He doesn’t do that very much anymore which I miss, guess I need to remind him.
And I would add one that may not work with every wife, but it was something my husband once said to me on the way home from church and it had me in the mood all the way home!
I was asking him what all he had to do when we got home and he listed off some things he wanted to get done but then said, “…but first I’m going to make love to my wife!” I’m the higher drive spouse and for him to say that and put me first meant the world to me…and he followed through which was even better!
Oh this is such a tricky one! Women really are so complicated! In truth, all of these things will work…some of the time! And sometimes will have the opposite effect. My advice to husbands would be to be honest, and observant. It might take time to work out what works for your wife, and you’ll probably have some misses along the way, but keep trying!
One of the best things my husband does is say ‘leave the dishes…’ Because he would rather spend time with me., than have a clean kitchen. That makes me feel wanted….and definitely like more than just a maid!
All these things involve work.
I’m sure that a great man like yourself isn’t afraid of a little work.
Staying fit and sexy, putting on makeup, being good with the budget so there’s enough money for lingerie, massage oil, and arranging for date nights takes work, too. It’d be very easy for wives to skip exercise, eat junk food every day, and wear cheap “granny panties” all the time. And husbands could get very frustrated by that, and their frustration would be real and worthy of our consideration to try and address.
Lisa, ya i said that wrong. After years of hard physical work my sex drive has been beaten out of me. I meant to say that for me the sexiest thing that could be said to me is “go relax”. I work in ag. My back is starting to go, i have carpal tunnel in both wrists, and my wife doesnt understand why I am not interested in being intimate.She is not really high drive either but I don’t want more work. Sex is work. Giving foot rubs is work. Doing dishes is work. I want to come home and have a break from work. Not more work.
Wow…the wives get, “guess which panties I’m wearing” and the husbands get, “can I give you a foot rub?”
Done with this.
Alan, I’m sorry–but that’s just the way the sexes work! There isn’t anything you can necessarily SAY that will help a woman relax and get over her exhaustion. Women need to be able to concentrate to make love; men don’t. That’s the essential biological difference. If there were something magical I would tell you! But being upset about the way that women work isn’t really going to help, and isn’t really showing love with the way your wife works, either.
“that’s just the way the sexes work” “the way that women work” “essential biological difference”
Yeah, Sheila, I find this kind of language really frustrating and alienating as a woman who gets turned on by… you know, actually sexual things. You’re talking to the majority, for sure, but as much as I love when my husband does the dishes (because we both make messes so we both clean them up), it doesn’t make me more likely to have sex with him. I don’t think it’s safe to conclude that because a majority of women in the 21st century experience sexuality in a certain way that there’s an immutable biological dynamic at work that can simply be copy-pasted into every marriage.
In the middle ages, everyone knew as an absolute fact that “the way women work” is that they are more sexual, sensual, even lustful than men, and that the “essential biological difference” between the sexes is that men are less interested in the things of the flesh than women, and that women are far less able to control their sexual urges, but for the sake of procreation, men should give in to their wives’ advances.
Teaching husbands to shape their behavior based on the statistics about what’s currently common among women is incredibly unhelpful, because women are INDIVIDUALS, with individual preferences, and their husbands need to seek primarily to KNOW them if they want to please them! Just from my personal perspective — I WANT my husband to come into the kitchen and turn off the stove and start feeling me up, or roll over in the morning and start peeling my pajamas off while I’m still half asleep — that sounds awesome to me! I don’t just want him to volunteer to do more chores, ask me how my day was, and offer to give me a foot rub. Those are all lovely things, but they’re not “sexy” in my mind.
I definitely understand that 80 or so percent of women have a primarily responsive desire type, and that it can be particularly difficult for them to get turned on when they have other things weighing on their minds. But that means ONE IN FIVE of your male readers is likely married to a woman more like me than the statistically average woman. That’s not a good foundation for saying it’s “just how the sexes work.”
Hi! That’s actually a really good point, and I do have other posts on the blog for women who have the higher sex drive. And you’re totally right–for women like you, these questions likely wouldn’t work!
The thing is, though, I was writing the post for men who want to turn their wives on, but whose wives are not necessarily easily turned on. That’s where the focus was. And for those couples, if a guy were to go straight for something sexual, then, they’d likely be rebuffed pretty fast!
I completely agree you with that one in five couples she has higher sex drive (well, actually the figure is closer to 24%-28%!), but the vast, vast majority of men who end up on my blog are here because of a problem with low female libido. (I can tell from the Google searches and the questions they ask). And the posts that I send them are really to help address that.
So I agree that it’s a generalization, but for my male readers–that’s pretty much where they are! The guys who have wives who are very visually stimulated and who are very interested in sex really aren’t here. 🙂 And it’s hard to cover every contingency in a post. So I try to focus on what my readers need.
I hope that clears that up!
I absolutely get where you’re coming from, I’m just asking you to consider moving away from the language of “just how the sexes work” when there’s no scientific basis for saying that. I’m asking you to consider that language like “the majority of women prefer” or “about 80% of wives need” is actually far more TRUE than language like “there’s an essential biological difference.” Even saying “there’s a real statistical difference” would be more accurate. Because biologically I am a woman, but I do not identify with the statistical average, and saying that women are like X because BIOLOGY is not just a generalization, it’s a mischaracterization, and it’s alienating — not because you don’t speak to higher-drive wives elsewhere, but because you’re appealing to an average using universal language. That doesn’t make sense.
I get your point, it’s the broad, universal, “it’s biology!” language I’m objecting to.
That’s a great point, and I’ll keep it in mind! Thank you!
/// I don’t just want him to volunteer to do more chores, ask me how my day was, and offer to give me a foot rub. Those are all lovely things, but they’re not “sexy” in my mind. ////
Forgive if this is too rated PG-13, but no woman in history has ever pleasured herself while thinking about a man doing the dishes or washing clothes or putting the kids to bed. Reason: Because it’s not REALLY sexy.
Occam’s razor: If that truly made women more sexual, that’s *all men would do*. But, yet, so many women “say” that it’s sexy (to other women). Oh, she was appreciative for the help, but that didn’t truly make her “hot”. If he looks like a mixture of Tom Selleck/Brad Pitt and treats her in a manner that makes her feel wanted/desired, good chance she doesn’t care who does the dishes.
This “choreplay” stuff leads to more instances of the most recent post of asking why he stopped spending so much time with his wife.
Chris, there were other kinds of things that don’t involve housework. But I have to ask, why should your wife do all the housework while you relax? And maybe your wife does have time to relax, I have no idea. If she already does, then you can focus on the other ideas.
But I could turn your comment around and say, “men get to watch TV and look at their phones while women do all all the housework. I’m done.” But I don’t. It’s about trying to see things from the perspective of your spouse.
These statements are great to hear, my husband does a wonderful job affirming his love and attraction for me…and I am putty in his hands!
Sheila, I just started reading “What Makes Love Last” by Gottman. He writes about a “trust metric” and how developing trust in your spouse enables you to cooperate and work for each others mutual benefit.
“Al’s paramount thought won’t be ‘I better do the vacuuming so Jenny will want to have sex later.’ Instead his thoughts will run, ‘I’m going to vacuum because Jenny worries about turning into a drudge like her mother. I don’t want her to feel that way.'”
It illustrates your point perfectly. A wife who feels cherished, who doesn’t feel like a drudge or a maid or, even worse, like her husband’s mother, is going to feel sexy! Both will have the emotional reserves to put their spouse first instead of being in survival mode.
Exactly! Thank you for that illustration. That really is it!
This was an eye opener for me. My hubby asks me questions similar to 1-7 all the time. Unfortunately those questions don’t really work for me. Its helpful to realize that he has been lavishing me with love and I’ve probably been missing it.
We both appreciate and value each other as parents and for the way we care for our home and for our skills at work (we both work and share household chores). We have young kiddos ages 4, 2 and 6 months. I know that my husband loves me as a mom and a companion, but I don’t feel like he sees me as a woman. It would floor me if he asked 8-10. I guess I’d be pretty excited to know he was thinking about my body and to know that he still desired me. We don’t get a lot of time to be alone, it could be skewing my perspective on this. I feel like my marriage is a little too “rated G”.
Jenn, I just wonder–have you ever told your husband that? Maybe he thinks he’s just warming you up, when he’s really not! Some guys, of course, are naturally G rated, but I wonder if he may react better if you told him that you’d like questions 8-10 more. Maybe even show him the article?
I like the thoughts here. I’ve read them, and derivatives of them many times, both from Sheila (who I think is the most balanced and doctrine based christian blogger). As she and others have said, so much of this comes down to understanding our wives uniqueness.
My wife doesn’t like kissing (a couple of lip kisses and she’s done – french kissing is gross for here – I’m probably just not a good kisser). There is no amount of housecleaning that will arouse her – she is thankful, and that’s great. She has said that she doesn’t know what I can do to arouse her. She feels sexually dead. It’s unfortunate, but sometimes there is nothing a guy can do to arouse his wife, if she hasn’t cultivated a baseline of interest (or has lost the interest that was once there). I’m sure it has had something to do with our interactions over the years. Though we didn’t have sex before we were married, it was a very real desire. Now, the desire on her part is more to please me than any interest for herself. It really feels one-sided, and over time, becomes less and less interesting. Sex is meant to be mutually enjoyed (and by mutually, I mean mutually arousing and sexually/orgasmicaly fulfilling). We all have our challenges. In this area, really knowing what I can do, given my wife’s lack of interest for her, is mine.
That is so tough! But one of the things I always say in my Girl Talk event is this:
And that’s the truth. She has to decide to want to have a great libido and a great time. It’s wonderful for wives to be giving regardless, but I wish more women could catch the vision about what passion is supposed to look like (and what they’re missing out on). That’s what my Boost Your Libido course is for! I wish your wife could take it.
As previous commentors have stated, what works is not a one size fit all kind of thing and knowing your spouse can either reduce the need for asking questions or help you to know the kind of questions to ask.
Asking, ¨what´s wrong?¨ can let the other person know that you´ve noticed a subtle change either in their attitude or body language, even if it wasn´t directed at you.
My husband has done this many times, even over the phone. It tells me that he cares about how I am feeling at that moment and that he notices even the non-verbal cues.
This is an old post, but I found my way here and would just like to say I really appreciate your ideas, Sheila! They may not work for everyone (as noted in the comments), but they are helpful for so many, myself included. I cannot wait to share with my husband!
For the male commenters who had such issues with this post I would love to know what your wives think first of all, and secondly I think you could also benefit from reading the blog “Mustbethistalltoride” written by a man. If servant-hearted leadership and love is not in your wheelhouse then maybe you have more of an issue with Jesus than with this article Sheila wrote. If loading the dishwasher or massaging your wife’s feet feels like really hard work to you, or you feel like ”choreplay” gets in the way of whatever you like to do to unwind after a long day (listen to yourself…. is this really how you want to live your one life!?), then the aforementioned blog would be a great read. Btw his wife left him….. and he sounds a lot like you. But his wisdom in hindsight is gold, so man up and check it out.
If both spouses woke up every day asking themselves “What can I do to make him/ her feel more loved, respected, valued, cherished” we almost wouldn’t need articles such as this. (No offense, Shelia, we would still appreciate it!)
I think a lot of marital issues stem from cultural conditioning – men do this, women do that, men want this, women want that. When all it really takes is a lot of honest conversation (Bc we ARE all unique even with the stereotypes that are often true) and just dying to self and wanting our spouse to feel like the most important, interesting, sexy, desirable, happiest human on the planet! Which is kindof why we married them right!!??
I didn’t intend to be so negative, but to be honest I am tired of “men are visual…. keep them from porn…. tend to their needs!” While women’s needs are put down and portrayed as more “work”. YES it’s more forethought, time and action in general to tend to your wife, but isn’t she worth it!? It’s not a check on your to do list; it’s a privilege and a calling and one that will reap so many benefits for both of you! It sounds like it takes a lot but truly it doesn’t. A simple word, a shoulder massage, a note, a text, a wink, just SOMEthing to make your wife feel like a woman desired and not just a goldfish slinging keep everybody alive and clothed and fed housemaid.
Sheila you handled the comments with such grace when it started heading into checklist territory. You explained it so well.
I think you did an excellent job with questions for both spouses, and I think your ultimate goal is what people need to take to heart more instead of picking your words apart. Keep on, Sheila!
Thank you, Kim! I really appreciated everything you said, and very much agree with you. We should just be wooing each other, which means responding to each other’s needs and wants, not judging them if their needs and wants aren’t the same as our own.
Thank you for the reminder that as a man, my first call of ” earthly” duty is to HELP my wife to feel loved, cherished,sexy and needed…by ME…MEN do YOUR DUTY! Help your wife to FEEL one with you by speaking ( HER) love language, and THEN she will be ABLE TO speak yours.