What happens when the wife’s vision for her family is different from that of her husband?
That’s what I want to talk about today. As my longtime readers know, I’m quite passionate about couples arriving at consensus about difficult decisions. I don’t believe that submission means that the husband makes all the decisions. As I said in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, if you go along with what he thinks, there are only two options: either one of you isn’t hearing God or both of you aren’t hearing God.
Nevertheless, finding agreement can still be REALLY hard. That wrestling things out with God and with each other often takes real time and struggle. And so when I read this great post from Darby Dugger I wanted to share it for my marriage moment, because it’s all about living in that difficult middle when you’re not in agreement and you don’t share a vision–and you try to stay close anyway.
Here’s Darby:
Sheila’s Marriage Moment: When You Don’t Share a Vision with Your Husband
That is where I have been for the past year. My husband and I have had many difficult conversations regarding the topics of school choices for our children and “family planning.” The hardest part of these discussions has been that we can’t reach an agreement.
We have a difference of opinion because we each have our own vision.
I am thankful that my husband follows the Lord! I know that Jason is seeking God’s guidance and trying to put away his own flesh as he leads our family. I realize the caliber of man Jason is, in and of itself, is a gift which I certainly don’t want to take it for granted. Yet, that doesn’t make submission to his decisions any easier when I strongly feel they contradict the desires of my heart and the purposes (I believe) God designed me for.
We have gone round and round. Discussed and Discussed. Prayed and Prayed.
Even though, as I write this, we have reached a point of mutual compromise (simply to “let go and let God”); I still am concerned that, overall, we have conflicting visions.
I am confident that the Lord desires unity in marriage. I am equally as confident that the seed of division, between a man and his wife, is planted by Satan. I trust God’s character enough to know that He won’t tell Jason one thing and me another. He won’t send us off into different directions.
I was encouraged on Sunday night when my husband shared Jeremiah 32:39 with me, “I will give them singleness of heart and action, so that they will always fear me and that all will then go well for them and for their children after them.” What a wonderful verse for us to pray together!
If I am willing to lay down my own ideals and pray for the Lord to give us a “singleness of heart and action” then, over time, our two visions will become a singular one. God will come through (and teach us so much along the way).
My advice to a wife whose vision differs from her husband’s? While remaining submissive to the Lord and to her husband, pray Jeremiah 32:39 over her heart and her marriage! In answering, the Lord might move the husband… He might move the wife… most likely He will move both!
Do you and your husband have a singleness of heart? If you do, it will go well for you and your children! What a mighty promise to cling to!
Sheila says: if you’re having trouble finding a common vision with your husband, I have some printables that you can use with him to start that conversation! Get your vision printables here.
What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?
Let’s look at some new Top posts this week that haven’t been on the list in a while! What do you do when you’re not getting what you want?
#1 NEW Post on the Blog: What If You Divorced For The Wrong Reasons?
#4 on the Blog Overall: 50 Most Important Scripture Verses To Memorize
#2 from Facebook: Top 10 Ways To Tell Your Husband What You Want In Bed
#4 from Pinterest: 29 Days TO Great Sex Day 14: When You Don’t Want To Make Love
What a Busy Week!
I’m back from vacation as of last Saturday, and I’m still waking up at 5:30 am. I’m not over the time difference from Europe, but it’s amazing how much you can get done before 8:00 in the morning. Maybe I’ll try to keep to this schedule!
But it’s not jetlag that’s been busy. It’s that my mom moves in on Monday. So I’m desperately organizing and throwing things out and making more room in cupboards. It’s going to be a bit of a chaotic transition, but it will be a good one.
Anyone have any tips for how to downsize or declutter? Let me know in the comments!
I Had a Great Moment in Church Last Week
My husband and I visited a new church last week, one little city over from where we live. As I was sitting in the pew, I had this thought: the problem with going to a new church is that not a soul knows you, so nobody’s expecting you to be there. There’s not the same accountability. And right as I thought that, a woman leaned over to me and whispered, “I just want to tell you that I love your Friday emails so much. They’ve helped my marriage incredibly!”
That was neat. It was like God was saying, “I see you, and I know you, and others do, too.”
Anyway, I just wanted to let you all know that every Friday I do send out a newsletter with my marriage moment, and then links to all the new posts on the blog this week PLUS links to other posts that are really popular on the blog. So if you don’t want to miss anything, sign up for the Friday newsletter! And, of course, you can also sign up for my daily emails where you get every blog post in your inbox. Just head on over here to see your options.
Sign up for To Love, Honor and Vacuum’s emails.
I’m going to go pack some more now, but I hope you all have a great weekend.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Could you discuss what to do when your husband is not a Christian? It really puts me in a hard place when I want the Lord to lead us and he doesn’t.
I have a friend who’s husband isn’t saved. She dearly wanted to homeschool and he was against it. Brick wall. So, she prayed and understood she could not homeschool successfully without his support. He never changed his mind. But God worked, nevertheless, and she was able to get a job in the school district and work alongside her children, and they found a good group of friends within the school system.
Unless it is an outright sin, pray God will work within the boundaries your unsaved husband has set if he won’t budge.
That’s a great story! I know a story quite similar.
I guess what I’d say is that if you keep working on your friendship and keep feeling like a unit, then you can still find things that you agree on. And keep talking about big picture goals: what kind of kids do we want to raise? What values do we want them to have? How do we want to live? And once you’ve got the big picture stuff, break it down into steps: how are we going to get there? If you can start with something you agree on, then the steps are often easier to figure out.
This is so good and so encouraging! While my husband and I agree on a lot of things, sometimes we disagree on things that seem really big.
Thanks, Elizabeth! We are totally in the same boat… for many things we are in agreement, but not always with the BIG decisions. Glad you could relate.
Speaking from experience, a lot of problems come from not even knowing each others’ visions. It all comes down to communication. I’m in a role I never thought I’d be in, so I’m trying to figure out what I need and see for my future and my family’s future since my life is so different from anything I imagined previously.
Yes! So very true! Communication is key. I also know that I’m not always a safe ear for my husband to voice his vision if it is different from my own. Controlling our emotions and putting away our defensive nature helps the communication process. Great point. Praying for you as you seek God’s vision for your family.
Not sure exactly what I want to comment… I just have to say, “This is totally us right now!” I have a different vision for our parenting and education of our children than my husband.
It’s not radically different. It’s not night and day. But we differ enough that sometimes we feel stuck.
I’ve been really wrestling with the submission part of this: my husband is a pretty laid-back guy, and I am strong and opinionated. I worry that I’m being too controlling without realizing it. But I don’t know how to approach this “submissively.” Do I just do things his way and pray? Do I invite more input from him and try to reach a compromise? Even that feels controlling, like I’m giving him “permission” to have input into “my” methods.
(If specifics help, our major differences are these: I want to practice a more gentle, non-punitive parenting while he sometimes feels like we have to DO something to force a certain behavior or “how will they learn”; also, while we both believe in home schooling, I want to go a more eclectic or “unschooling” route, and my husband wants a more traditional “school at home” approach.)
These areas are especially hard for me to navigate because as the wife, I want to be following my husband’s lead, but as a stay-at-home mom, 98% of all interactions that fall under these two categories involve me, not him.
Does that make sense?
(Phew! Apparently I had more to say than I realized! 🙂 )
That is a dilemma. If it helps; maybe you can try the discipline approach where you enforce natural consequences of actions. For example, if they won’t eat the food put in front of them, they’re hungry until the next meal, if they break a toy, they have to do without etc. This is not punishing, it’s facing consequences which is ultimately what discipline is about. I believe Sheila has some posts here talking more about that approach.
Maybe you could do a bit of both in terms of schooling? I don’t think 100% unstructured is a good way to go. It will be incredibly difficult to stay on track of learning goals no matter how motivated you are. In terms of preparing kids for the future, you need to learn to do things at a certain time, even if you don’t like it. The whole office isn’t going to wait for you to be in the mood for a meeting. If you can’t meet deadlines or show up on time you will be fired. Even in collage, there is some leeway, but at some point professors get fed up. If you don’t show up for your 8 am exam, you will fail. If you’re late in turning in every assignment you will get docked/ they won’t grade it. If you show up late to chemistry lab, you get 0 for that lab. I think it would be very hard for kids to suddenly learn to follow a schedule if they’ve never done it before.
Maybe you can have some kind of compromise where you do 9-12 formal school and then let them do unschool/ free learning in the afternoon. Or school at home Monday-Wednesday or Thursday and then unstructured on Thursday/ Friday? Also bear in mind that you might try one approach and find it doesn’t work for your kids. I’m not sure but I suspect unschooling will be a disaster if a kid has even mild ADD.
Formal schooling in the morning and “free schooling” in the afternoon is actually NOT unschooling at all. That structure is pretty much exactly what every homeschooling family I know does anyway, and belies the philosophy of unschooling. Just in case anyone was confused about that.
My husband and I will continue to exchange ideas and explore our options while seeking unity. Thanks for your thoughts. 🙂
My husband was so disagreeable during our early marriage days. He was the being selfish, always wanting to do things his way and have the last word. After talking to a Christian therapist, she advised me to pray about it…
I can’t believe how well prayers worked. Instead of trying to find a way to get out of the marriage, I started loving my husband more the more I prayed.
Although we still disagree on a few things, he’s not the same man he used to be, and I thank God for that,
Isn’t it funny how prayer is the most powerful tool we have?! I love hearing the testimony of how prayer changed your marriage for the better. Praise God indeed!
Because marriage is a union of two different people, we are bound to have differences in vision. It takes compromise and love, commitment to each other and to our marriage to overcome the differences. It takes understanding for couples to place their marriage and family before their individual vision.
Yes! Such practical encouragement of how to strive for unity. Thanks for sharing.
Great post! Patience while waiting for unity can be hard but it’s well worth it.
Every time my husband or I has ignored our strong feelings and “given way” on something important, we’ve BOTH regretted that decision later. When we wait for unity, we don’t have regrets.
What a great testimony. Thanks for sharing and for the encouragement to wait for unity.
I emailed you about this! Thanks for opening the discussion and sharing Darby’s great post.
My husband and I are quite close and I consider our marriage to be really strong. About a year and a half ago, we finalized the long and emotionally draining process of adopting our daughter (our 4th child). During that time, my dad also passed away, one of our other kids was really struggling with learning disabilities and behavior issues, and we were just incredibly weary.
Once we started to feel a little less like we were in survival mode and looking toward the future, we realized our dreams and plans were not on the same page, and this really took us both by surprise and has been challenging! We each struggled with feeling misunderstood and taken for granted. We have finally, after several months of this, reached a place of peace in the decisions that need to be made right now and a hopeful optimism for the future. We don’t have lingering tension with each other, but I think we are both aware that there will be more hard conversations in the coming years.
I’m excited to look over the vision printables on our next date night!
What should a wife do if the husband don’t have a vision for his family?