If your teen gets mouthy, how do you respond? Can you stop them from being sarcastic?
Every parent wants a great relationship with their kids, but sometimes that seems really out of reach.
I’m reminded again today how important it is. Right now, as you’re reading this, moving vans are arriving to move my mom into our house. It’s going to work out well, I think (I hope!), but one reason is because I do have a great relationship with my mom.
And since I’m still frantically moving stuff and packing, I invited my friend Nina Roesner, author of the new book With All Due Respect, to share with us today about how to handle mouthy teens.
Here’s Nina:
Are you experiencing the chaos of parenting tweens or teens? Do they wear you out with their sarcastic sense of humor? Do you struggle with these wonderful people who swing from wanting hugs to melting down over seemingly “small” things? And did I mention this “swing” was like 5 minutes later?
Me too.
It’s tough to navigate these waters. I’m really honored to be sharing on To Love, Honor and Vacuum! Sheila Wray Gregoire is a complete boss, but you already know that, don’t you? I’m glad to be guest-blogging for her today. My co-author, Deb, and I are really communication coaches. We help spouses, parents, and leaders in any realm develop deeper relationships with others by learning to communicate differently. We find that most people don’t know that conflict can be stopped BEFORE it starts – and we LOVE talking about that! This story shares a few of those tips and is from our new book, With All Due Respect: 40 days to a more fulfilling relationship with your teens & tweens (Thomas Nelson, 2016). I’ll be chiming in now and again today in the comments! Stay tuned til the end and we’ll tell you how to grab MORE parenting tips and get a free signed copy of the book!
Dare 5: Be Careful with Your Words
But what comes out of the mouth proceeds from the heart, and this defiles a person. For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false witness, slander.”
—Matthew 15:18–19 esv
Sharise walked into the hallway and said to her daughter, Amanda, “Baby, you’ll need to do the stairs. There’s dog hair on them.”
This was after Amanda had already put the vacuum away, thinking she was done with her daily chore. Sharise expected to hear, “I know!” escape from her daughter’s lips. Maybe she’d get a complimentary eye-roll too.
But the words that came forth from Amanda’s lips completely surprised and delighted her mom. “You are so right!”
Sharise smiled. Several days before, she and Amanda had discussed the use of the phrase “I know.” Sharise had explained to her tween that she had caught herself being disrespectful to her daughter by using that phrase when Amanda reminded her of an upcoming event that she needed Sharise to drive her to. She admitted she should have said, “You are right!” instead of quipping, “I know!” and then apologized for being snarky to her daughter, promising to try to communicate more respectfully in the future. She explained to Amanda that she had not treated her as if she was precious to her or to God and that she had confessed and asked God to forgive her as well.
In that moment, Sharise put a little dare together for both of them. “I know I’ve modeled the wrong thing for you, Amanda, but I’d like you to know you do this too. I’m guessing we both know how it makes us feel. I need to work on this one, and so do you. Want to do it together?”
Amanda smiled. “I think you’re right, Mom,” she replied. “I would like to work on this with you.”
Bottom line: Ditch the sarcasm. Your kids will feel more respected, and in turn they’ll treat you with more respect.
We often focus on getting and sometimes demanding respect from our children. But how often do we examine our own behavior to determine whether we are treating our children with respect? Just as with every other aspect of parenting, kids model what they see. Sometimes it’s the simple phrases or the small actions that speak the loudest. Ask God help you be more respectful to your kids. Say, “You are right!” instead of, “I know!” and admit your own mistakes.
The good news is that a change in behavior often leads to a change in the heart, and it usually works the other way around too. If you are choosing to follow Christ, He’ll transform your heart.
What About You?
- Think of the last time your tween or teen exasperated you over a small thing. How did you respond? If you did not respond gently, confess your sin to God and ask for forgiveness. Know He has forgiven you, and receive that forgiveness.
- How freely do you admit when you are wrong? How does this humble attitude model respect for your child?
- How does the thought of admitting wrongdoing or fault to your child make you feel? Ask God to reveal any issues with a desire to control, pride, or fear to you, and ask Him to grow you in these areas.
- Apologize to your child for the way you have treated her, and be specific. Promise to try to do better (and then do so!), and ask her to forgive you. If it is a deeply ingrained habit, you might even consider being vulnerable enough to ask your child to help you grow in this area by saying, “Ouch!” when you respond this way to her.
- Are your responses to your child ones that indicate arrogance? How often are you sarcastic or prideful in your responses? Instead of retorting with sarcasm or an “I know!” say, “You are right.”
Again, this story is from our new book, With All Due Respect: 40 days to a more fulfilling relationship with your teens & tweens (Thomas Nelson, 2016) The book has a devotional experience in that there is a prayer that goes with these. I look forward to visiting with you today! See you in the comment section! You can sign up for more parenting tips on our website, at www.GreaterImpact.org . We have a limited speaking schedule, but you can check out opportunities on our website, also.
Want more on dealing with this age group? Debbie blogs all things parenting on her website at www.DebbieHitchcock.com and you can find other marriage and family communication at www.NinaRoesner.com We’re giving a signed copy of the book away to the 427th person who signs up today for more marriage or parenting tips!
What are YOUR thoughts on the dare?
Sheila says: Love this, Nina, and I’m excited to share another practical dare with you from With All Due Respect soon! I do find that teens often are sarcastic or talk back without necessarily meaning to. Sometimes when my girls were younger I just had to remind them that I had feelings, too.
So let’s talk in the comments: How can you change the dynamics of conversation in your house–perhaps if your husband also verges on sarcastic? I come from a sarcastic family, and we’ve really been convicted that we have to stop that pattern. What about you?
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I was at a store and overheard a mom and daughter arguing with each other about school supplies. The daughter wanted the more expensive stylish supplies. The mom wanted the most bang for her buck, even if it was plain. The daughter lamented, “I don’t like it, I want THESE,” the mother kept repeating herself about how the ugly cheap stuff was a better deal.
When I related the story on social media, some talked about the firmness their own parents set, or the foot planted they would do. I offered a different narrative alongside the whining of the teen and the repeated insistence of the mother to help read between the lines. They were both fighting without saying what was truly on their hearts.
The daughter likely wasn’t popular in school, perhaps even picked on or ostracized. I remember the thrill of finally getting a hold of something “cool” and it opening doors to acceptance and even friendship. To have cheap junk is to be ignored or ostracized. As shallow as that is, that is a school reality for many kids.
The mom was likely already on a tight budget made near impossible with the list of school supplies she has to purchase. She was probably stressed about having to make any purchase, let alone the cheap stuff.
Read between the whines.
Love that–“read between the whines”! I think that applies to so much of marriage, too. When we’re upset with each other or disagreeing, it’s usually an emotional issue for both of us, but in different ways, and we’re not communicating it. If you can step back and ask, “what is it that you need from this right now?”, then you can understand each other and maybe find a different solution you weren’t even thinking of before.
YES! You are SO right! 🙂 In most conflicts, if we’d just take the time to first listen, then rephrase what the other is saying, we can gain understanding – and “find the why” behind the position – which often changes everything. 🙂 And when we do that until we both feel heard, an entirely different solution is possible.
I find I am struggling with my tween daughter to do the things she’s been asked to do without me nagging!! She wants to be treated like an older child (thank goodness she hasn’t hit that ‘I want to be treated as an adult’ stage!) but still cannot carry out the simplest of tasks. Even basics like hair teeth and showers are a stress point for us. Any suggestions?
Jamie –
OH YES. I can remember these days! 🙂 You might feel like a repeating record, saying the same stuff over and over again – and yeah, the nagging is not awesome, not helpful. 🙂
So wise of you to want something different. And I’m right here being thankful with you that she’s not “there” yet – enjoy it! 🙂 The next stage is fun, too, however, so don’t be worried! 🙂
So I don’t know if this will work with your kiddo, but I tried these things, and sometimes they helped. When I asked her to do something, I made sure I had her attention – kids are often “somewhere else” even when they are in the same room. If she’s a creative type, even moreso. The other thing I’d do is give her some control. I still ask my daughter, “So you have the list of chores for today – what’s your plan for doing them and when do you think you’ll be done?” then she’s in charge of making it happen – they like ownership.
Then I let her know how much I appreciate what she did, but tie it to a character trait, like, “You impressed me today with how responsible you are – you took care of two of those chores on the list without being asked! Well done! I am guessing something came up with the last one – what’s your plan for it?” or something like that. And I also am “that parent” that ties all social fun and media anything to work and school things being done. And they knew to “don’t even ask before 2pm – and don’t even ask if the work/school isn’t done because that’s mom’s first question even then!” so yeah, I have rules that I follow with them. 🙂
And she’ll maybe struggle with showers, hygiene, etc., until her friends complain – so yes, feel free to suggest one before going to dinner with the family, but know that will be a thing that social pressure takes care of – “when’s the last time you washed your hair?” from the best friend or the boy she thinks is cute will have a TON of impact – and they all end up there eventually – like potty training! 🙂
You sound like a mom who is interested in her kids doing well without nagging – and for that I applaud you! It’s a tough time, but fun and GREAT to watch them grow. Don’t quit! She needs you! 🙂
Love to you,
Nina
I’m a grown adult, but I still live with my Mum, and we still have spats about this occasionally. She will complain and grumble that my hair is a mess. And I fight her on it. Or I do a blank-stare “mmhmm” thing. Not great responses, maybe, but even when I try to explain, she doesn’t, or won’t, understand my perspective, and that is… it’s really none of her business whether my hair is a mess or not. The issue isn’t whether or not she’s right about the fact that it is a mess, the issue is that I should be entitled to keep my own hair in a mess without her commenting about it, no? It’s really about that line between me making my own choices, and her seeing me as an extension/reflection of herself, worked out through the discussion of my hair, that is not as neat as she’d like it to be.
And I don’t love my hair being a mess — I do like it looking neater, obviously. But until I get the acceptance that it is MY hair, to do with as I please, and it’s not up to any body else to be commenting on it — even if it’s her showing overt approval when it is in a style she would approve of — then having untidy hair sometimes seems like a price worth paying.
I might be being petty about this, and suggestions for how to handle it in a better way would be welcome, but the tl;dr version is, this is an issue of autonomy. Hope that helps.
It does – and the answer depends on your perspective. Because you are both acting with good intentions, and both looking for the best. She wants you to be perceived well by others, and she could let go of that. You want her to see you as a grown up, and you could let go of that.
Why not try initiating conflict? “Mum, I don’t want to upset you, and I don’t want you to take this personally, AND I do want you to understand something about my hair, and for whatever reason, I haven’t been able to say it in a way that you could hear me.
Can we try again? Can I let you know why this matters so much to me?
I need to feel like an adult. And I know this seems petty to you, and it’s really not a hill worth dying on for me, and it’s not worth damaging our relationship over. I need you to hear me when I ask you now to please stop talking about it. I know you don’t like it. I want us to have a good relationship and this is getting in the way for me. I need to make this small choice about my hair, and would appreciate it if you would stop nagging me about it.”
So you state what you don’t want.
Then you ask for permission to speak into the situation.
Then contrast it with what you do want.
And then you remind her gently when she forgets. Because she will. And she cares because she wants you to be perceived well, as an adult, by others. 🙂 She just isn’t saying that well.
Great advice, Nina!
Unmowngrass, since you asked… I have to go on record here for your mum. You stated that you are a grown adult; as such you feel entitled to have your hair however you want it, even though you don’t really like it that way, just to prove a point to your mum, who allows you, the grown adult to continue to live under her roof. Hmmmm. From where I stand that is a picture of a large child, not an adult. It sounds like you feel justified to go around looking less groomed than even YOU think is okay, just to annoy the person you live with.
I don’t know about you, but I had the utmost respect for my parents, and never treated them that way. If a simple act of combing my hair brought peace to my mother’s household, especially since she was kind enough to let me live there as a “grown adult”, I am without a doubt going to run a comb through my hair and eliminate conflict. Case closed. Life is too short for this kind of foolishness. If mum was gone tomorrow, ask yourself this, “How important was it?”
One thing I try to do with my stepson (who is 11) is explain why I am telling him to do something. Not to justify it or excuse it or to talk him into it, but so that he has an understanding of why and how The World Works and that I have reasons for telling him to do something beyond just “because I said so.” My mom (love him, but not so much my dad) was really big on explaining things to me; she knew that most of the time when I asked why, I wasn’t challenging her – I really was trying to understand why. Taking an extra minute to explain it to me helped me learn and put things in context.
Sunny-Dee,
What a respectful way to interact with your son!! At that age and even earlier, they start trying to separate in a healthy way – and want to be treated with respect. Good for you for seeing this and encouraging it. SMART. It took my first born and me nearly having WAR and my taking my frustrations about him (he’s 20 now and married, was 11 at the time) to my husband and he said to me, “He just wants respect, you are treating him like a little boy…” I knew what to do with that – and 3 months later, we had a completely different, and awesome, relationship!
I just bought “With all Due Respect”. I’m really looking forward to listening to the audio in the car. That’s where I usually get into trouble with my 12-year-old. The concept of walking away instead of engaging is difficult when she is sitting right next to me. I’m hoping with new ideas and prayers, to create a better relationship with her.
Nancy –
So glad you shared that – it IS hard, sometimes feels impossible to walk away – especially in the car! And there’s so. much. time. in. the. car.
Seriously, is driving a spiritual gift? I know it’s not, but it should be.
So I don’t know if this will work for you, but if you sense things getting heated, maybe a, “Hey baby, I want to walk through this conversation well, and I’m starting to get emotional – I need a break from it, okay? Let’s table this until after dinner…” or whatever – and then if she keeps going, say it again, or just say, “Talk to me after dinner, please.” And then follow up.
Love to you!
This is fantastic. Our teens are their own person and etiquette must begin in the home. If we wouldn’t talk to a friend that way, we shouldn’t talk to our teens that way. Yes, we still are responsible for them but responsibility isn’t a license to be rude. I hope my kids grow up to say, “I didn’t always agree with you, mom, but you were always kind about it.”
Lisa –
Spot on!
AGREED. Thank you.
Love to you!
Nina
I loved reading this! This is something we have been working on in our house. I’ve often said to my husband “we can’t teach kindness by being cruel.” I also firmly believe that when we are not happy with our child’s behavior we need to look at ourselves and what we are modeling first. I really work to speak kindly and respectfully to my children and I do think it’s effective. I have little trouble with them obeying and when they do speak disrespectfully I remind them that I do not speak to them that way.
Suzanne –
I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THIS! “we can’t teach kindness by being cruel.”
Well said. Seriously. And respectful towards your husband – even if it is a helpful piece of feedback.
You seem to be a mature Christian woman, one not afraid of looking at herself – I admire that. 🙂 Your humble heart is beautiful! Thank you for sharing your wisdom! 🙂
No wonder your kids are well-behaved! 🙂 I like that you said, “when they do speak disrespectfully” because it also means your ego is in check – and I admire that as well – we’re all in the same spot – no better and no worse than anyone, including our kids, and we lead best with a humble heart.
Love to you!
Nina