Did you divorce for the wrong reasons?
Yesterday I wrote a post on how often women justify leaving unhappy marriages by claiming that the guy was abusive when it was just that they didn’t really care for each other’s hearts well. And I showed the difference between what divorcing looks like when it’s justified and when it’s just a woman trying to find her freedom.
Some people commented that it was judgmental; wouldn’t it be better to write in the theoretical–here’s how not to divorce for the wrong reasons? I understand the criticism, and I have written before on when it’s okay to leave and when you should stay in your marriage. But the main reason I took the approach I did is because I was setting everything up for today’s post: I want to talk to the women who have already separated or divorced, and who now realize that they were not justified–that they were acting selfishly, and that the divorce was wrong.
Please note: This post is NOT intended for people who divorced years ago, are now happily remarried, know they made a mistake, and have experienced God’s grace and healing in their relationship with their kids (and even their ex-husband). God’s already done His work–Yay! This post is really intended for people who have walked out of their marriages recently and who are just now realizing that what they did wasn’t right–and want to know where to turn now.
What do you do now, especially if you’re remarried?
On one of my speaking trips this year I read the book I Do Again by Jeff and Cheryl Scruggs. It’s a story of a couple who got divorced, and then seven years later remarried. Cheryl was the one who asked for the divorce; she later had an affair and was engaged to another man before she realized that she had been wrong. Then she spent years praying for the marriage to be restored, and it finally was. It’s a really good read.
I’m not writing this post, though, to tell you all that you need to get back together with your ex-husband. That may be true, and it may not be true. I have absolutely no idea. But I think that the approach that Cheryl took when she realized that she had made an error was exactly the right one, and it’s what I’m going to recommend to you today. So I’m going to tell you a bit of Cheryl’s story.
When Cheryl and Jeff started dating, it was a whirlwind and it was exciting. But when they married, they had never really learned to communicate. And as they took new jobs and gave up old ones; as they had their twins; as they started to live busy lives–she felt more and more distant from Jeff, because he didn’t know her heart. And because of the fact that he didn’t realize that she was hurting, he thus seemed heartless (although she had never opened up to tell him something was missing, so how could he know?).
She says, “We rarely argued because we simply avoided conflict.”
She goes on,
I wanted to share my dreams with him but thought he’d think they were far-fetched, so I dreamed by myself. I did not even know how he felt about his job or being in Los Angeles or what his childhood family life was like. I had no idea what kind of music he liked, his favorite foods, what thoughts swirled around in his head. We lived a polite type of life, always trying to guess what the other person wanted or needed or thought.
It was a shallow marriage. And after years of that she started to really resent Jeff. So when she met a guy at work that she clicked with, finally it seemed like someone knew her heart.
She ended up leaving the marriage, throwing everyone into a tailspin, simply because she and Jeff had never actually communicated on a deep level. But Jeff was totally heartbroken, because he had never known the extent of her pain, and all of this seemed so sudden. He grew resentful and bitter, even as they both tried to work on raising their twins together.
After they split up, Cheryl pursued the relationship with the other man. But increasingly it felt wrong, and at the same time she joined a church. She started hearing what God wanted for marriage, and heard concepts about communication that she had never known. She felt torn by all this confusion, and sought out a Christian counselor, who listened to her whole tale about wanting to understand what God really wanted for her life and how her marriage had gotten so messed up. The counselor told her:
I have to be honest with you. If you want healing, it’s going to be a lot of work. You’ll need to spend a great deal of time journaling and getting face to face with yourself.
And then he explained what would be involved in their counseling.
Today I want to give you the same challenge:
If you want healing, it’s going to be a lot of work. You’ll need to spend a great deal of time journaling and getting face to face with yourself–and with God.
I can’t tell you what to do about your former marriage. I don’t know what you should do. But God does. And if you’ve done wrong, you need to understand what was wrong, why it was wrong, and you need to see how you can move forward. And you can’t do that unless you’re also listening to God.
So this is what I recommend:
Take a Self-Imposed Time Out
Cheryl started getting up at 5 in the morning and journaling like crazy. She was able to spend a lot of time on her own because Jeff had joint custody of the girls, and she was on her own during that time (her boyfriend lived in a different city).
You need to hear from God, and that means that you need all distractions out. If it’s possible, here’s what I’d recommend: Get away, by yourself, for a month, if possible. A month to just listen to God. A day won’t do it; a week likely won’t either. You need some serious time of meditation and journalling and listening.
Ask your ex-husband to take the kids for that whole time, and recruit other help if you can. If you’re re-married, tell your current husband that you need some time off, but not because you’re second guessing your marriage (divorcing him is wrong, too, since he’s now your husband!) You just need to figure out how to act right going forward, and how to honor your current wedding vows while also honoring your ex-husband and kids and God. Assure him that it’s not that you want to leave him, but simply that you need to hear from God and make your heart right.
What Should You Do On Your Time Out?
You obviously may have to go to a job, but try not to do anything else. Turn off the TV. Unplug the internet. Get some Christian music to listen to and some great books to read or some devotionals to read. (I’d recommend I Do Again just to read about how God spoke to Cheryl and what it looked like). And just sit in the silence. Get comfortable with silence.
Here’s what I often do when I’m trying to hear God about something:
- I journal what my thoughts are right now and I ask a specific question and write it down, so it’s there in black and white.
- I read the book I’m reading and see if it addresses the question.
- I read the devotional and the Bible passage and I see how it relates to that question
- I journal down anything I’ve read that pertains to it and anything else that comes into my head.
Here’s why I do it in that order: when I write the question down first, then it’s easier to see how God is actually speaking to you. You can’t just say “that’s a coincidence” or dismiss it because your question was there in black and white, and it’s obvious that God is replying.
So what should you ask God? Here’s the order I would use:
1. Ask God to let you see your heart.
Are your motives selfish right now or are you seeking God’s best first and foremost? Be open to see if there is “any wicked way in me.”
2. Ask God to reveal your sin.
Where specifically did you sin? With your husband? With your kids? With someone else? Write those things down, so you can see it in its ugliness and get honest with yourself.
3. Ask God to let you see your children and your ex-husband through His eyes.
How are they being affected by the divorce? Ask God to let you see the areas in their lives where there’s deep pain or where they’re not handling it well.
Ask God to let you see your ex-husband’s heart, too. How did he fare?
4. Ask God to see yourself through your children’s eyes.
That’s a tough one. This takes down all the pretences. How do your kids now perceive you? Are there areas of your life where they can’t talk to you anymore? Let yourself feel that pain.
5. Ask God what real repentance will look like.
Now that you’ve had a chance to be honest about your sin and about how your ex-husband and your kids are faring, ask God what real repentance would look like practically in your life.
Don’t have any preconceived notions. Ask what it means for your relationship with your ex-husband, your current husband, your kids.
You may be thinking, “But wait, Sheila, are you hoping God is going to tell me to leave the guy I’m seeing and get back together with my ex-husband? That’s never going to happen!”
I’m not saying that. I don’t know your situation. But I do know this: you made decisions when you were not right with God, and so now you need to make decisions when you are right with God.
Your happiness will not be the main focus of that decision; Repentance, grace and love will be.
It may mean breaking off other relationships you’ve started and deciding to be single for a while to rebuild your relationship with your children.
It may mean rebuilding a relationship with your ex-husband, but it also could be that he isn’t willing to do that. It may mean writing a letter of apology to him and trying your best while raising the kids to show him respect and walk with integrity, even if you don’t always agree with what he does.
It may mean staying with your current husband, but working on building honesty and openness with your kids, where you are willing to accept their anger and hurt and encourage them to speak it. Only then can you ask them to embrace your current husband.
I don’t know what it looks like. But God does. And I believe that if you are honest with yourself, He will start showing you something. Listen to those feelings and promptings.
The hardest thing to do is to face your own heart.
Please don’t rush this process. It will likely take a week or so before you even start to feel like God is speaking to you. You’ll feel like you’re battling, like there’s no one there, like your prayers are hitting the ceiling and nothing else. But keep at it, because as you fight in prayer and labor in prayer, you will find a breakthrough. You will hear God. And He will show you what to do, and how to do it.
This was such a good article, even for me, who is in my first marriage and wants to stay there. I just wish there were more specific how to’s to follow. Any good books for that? Not necessarily biographies?
I wish I could recommend some but I find that each person is different, and the books that have spoken to me have not always been the ones I’d expect. I’d say this: Maybe browse a library at church or your Kindle store or something and ask God to just nudge you if a book seems good. And then just read it. We all may need different ones: some on healing, some on God, some on prayer, some on priorities–I don’t know. But I have found that suddenly a book will pop into my head for no reason, and I’ll read it, and then it will be like, “Oh, so THAT was why I was supposed to read it!”
Church library!! Didn’t think of that! Thanks a bunch for all that you do.
A month? I don’t know of many people who can take a full month off of work at the drop of a hat. I was out on injury leave last fall for a month and the last two weeks were UNPAID because I’d just been working there for a year and just qualified for FMLA.
Sheila mentions in the article that you’d probably have to go to work during this time, so I don’t think she meant a break from EVERYthing, just things that would distract from focusing your attention on listening to the Lord on this area.
I think her advice to take a break from any new relationship that a newly divorced woman might be involved in is the biggest part to listen to.
Yes, absolutely, I’m sorry if I didn’t make that clearer. Go to work, but try to get rid of as many other distractions/relationships/responsibilities so you can just knock on heaven’s door.
Only 2 weeks were unpaid? In my jobs FMLA was NEVER paid leave. Didn’t have paid maternity leave either, it fell under FMLA and I was expected back exactly 6 weeks later.
Okay, this is one of those moments that I’m SO glad I’m Canadian (though I’m American too but I live in Canada). We have a year of paid maternity leave. I can’t imagine only having a few weeks!
Whaaaaaaaaaat? America needs to change some things here, badly. That’s so awesome for y’all in Canada.
Angie, just remember that all the benefits, especially government mandated ones, impact how much you will be getting paid and how many people the company can hire. It all sounds nice, but there’s no such thing as a free lunch.
Nice article from Sheila, by the way. We need to be willing to examine ourselves regularly, whether single, married, or divorced. This allows us to be sensitive to God’s leading, and experience His best in our lives.
Only 2 weeks were unpaid because I work for the state of PA and had vacation/personal/holiday and sick time from which to use to pay for the six weeks I was off work due to my injury
Ahhh. Same as my “maternity leave”. Of course, we had decided to have me stay at home with the baby. She arrived 6 weeks earlier than expected so we were caught off guard, lol.
I was put on bedrest the last month of my pregnancy. So my 12 week maternity leave was cut to 8 weeks after he was born.
Last fall I tripped and fell and we thought I had broken a bone in my ankle. I work in a male prison so wearing the air-cast boot inside the gates was not an option. An MRI showed no break…then I was downgraded to an ankle brace and Physical Therapy but I still couldn’t wear that brace into work. So I ended up having off 6 weeks and two were unpaid. 🙁
Hi Sheila, I’ve been reading your blog for a little while now and I find that often I come across articles I don’t always agree with (specifically your take on viewing porn and certain things that may be viewed as not conforming to christian values).
I like reading your blog because when I find something I don’t agree with, it forces me to better understand the mental constructs that people operate under which I do not live by. I believe in tolerance and trying to understand new perspectives even if they don’t align with my own.
I love this particular post. Whether a person is religious/spiritual or not, coming to terms with oneself is the only way to break old thinking habits and move on. Your advice here is really universal. We have to love and understand ourselves before we can accept the love of another. Even if it’s too late to right a wrong of our past, we can forgive our past actions to move forward with more clarity and purpose. Thanks for your continued messages here – even the ones I disagree with 😉
Thanks, Jason! I’m glad that it could speak to you. And you know–I’m TOTALLY glad you’re here, even if we don’t share our spiritual views. I really want to welcome everyone, so keep reading, and I hope I post more that can help/challenge you!
I want to say that this is such good advice in so many situations. I also applaud your firm and consistent insistence that you don’t know the right answer – that has to be worked out by each of us with God. Good stuff – thank you very much.
Thank you, Jack! And I DON’T know the right answer, because it is different in every situation. The one thing we do know is that God wants us to be honest and humble before Him and to really earnestly seek out His voice. I hope we can all do that more! I’ve been on a bit of a journey myself in the last year, and it’s amazing how when you do ask God things and are consistent about it, He really does show up!
I truly wish I had read something like this when I divorced my husband and was floundering. We truly divorced for the wrong reasons and should have stayed together. He remarried first and then I did too but I think we still loved each other which made it hard. The outcome of it all was that I determined to make my current marriage one based in God’s unconditional love and started to really seek Him. We are stronger now and have a strong marriage in the process. I am not afraid of talking about my feelings openly. God has blessed my second marriage because we seek Him daily & ask for His blessing in our walk.
That’s wonderful! Isn’t it lovely how God can take bad decisions we make and ultimately use them for good in our lives? You can still mourn what could have been but rejoice for God’s grace and for how much He’s taught you and the happiness He brings. Redemption is always God’s story when we let Him in, and I just hope that more of us will be honest before God and really let Him in.
I want to say that this is such good advice in so many situations. I also applaud your firm and consistent insistence that you don't know the right answer – that has to be worked out by each of us with God. Good stuff – thank you very much..
great stuff but a little confusing. In the beginning you said not to leave but at the end it talked about “maybe it looks like staying with your current husband and….” There are ministries and websites that advocate breaking up second marriages and going back to the first. As someone who is remarried, that teaching almost drove me nuts. I left. At the time it felt like abuse. His many women friends(he is now married to the closest one who was,a bridesmade. I never felt good about their friendship but he said I was just insecure etc). He did view some porn, we rarely had sex, he yelled and put me down. He said he never cheated and I have no proof he did. We had no kids and I just got tired one day. I probably fall in the second group. After our divorce I met my current husband and came to God. We dated 5 years and were celibate(we did kiss). Once we divorced, my ex said he slept with others. I feel guilt because maybe it could have worked? I even felt at one point maybe I should try(I was dating current husband). I told God I did not want to get back with him but would try if that was needed. A week later I found out he was getting married to this friend he insistcd was a sister. It hurt! Once he remarried I felt free to. Please pray for me. My current husband and I have kids. We do struggle. I struggle when he is friendly with co-workers or women at church. I also still feel guilt and less than others. I also had some crushes on men in my first marriage that never went anywhere so I am also guilty. Work on your marriages, Don’t justify sin and avoid friendships with the opposite sex if they bother your spouse!! If you have a crush run far away!!!
Hi Sue! It sounds like you’re battling so much! But here’s what I see that is really key: you came to God AFTER your divorce. You and your now-husband have kids. You are really working at it. So that is EXACTLY where God wants you to be. You don’t have to feel guilty about your first marriage failing. You didn’t have God then! And your ex-husband is remarried, so that relationship is GONE. If there’s nothing you can do now about it, God doesn’t expect you to. You should not feel less!
What I find is that so many women who justify leaving their husbands and justify divorcing end up seriously hurting their kids and don’t seem to realize it. That’s really who I was writing this series for. It really doesn’t sound like you’re in that group AT ALL.
I’d say this: rejoice in your current marriage. Make it the absolute best that it can be! And rest assured knowing that this is where God wants you to be. And when you struggle with him, that’s okay. We all struggle. But get a mentor couple and get some help and keep growing together.
I am packing to leave, stopped to rest and saw this article. I am living with a drug addict who sometimes tries to get off the drugs without success for 16 years. I have done everything his Dr. has asked me to do be of help to him with the exception I am giving him my medication and telling the Dr. that I have done so nor have I told him that my husband buys off the street as well. My husband bullies me if I don’t give my medicine most of the time it is verbal but occasionally he gets physically rough with me. My husband is also addicted to pornography and has been for a many, many years, even before we were married, he has what is called P.I.E.D. Which is a fairly new diagnosis of a sexual disfunction of which there is no cure for. These letters stand for; Pornography Induced Sexual Disfunction, basically they can’t complete the sex act unless they are watching pornography, not even with prescription drugs for that.
My husband and I have not had sex more than once a year for the past 3 or 4 years and have had trouble in that area for approximately 10 years. Of which
As I mentioned there is so much more I need to say but I do not have time as I must get back to packing hopefully sometime I can correspond with you again and learn more from you. Sincerely Ann
Ann, wow, what a lot your are dealing with! I am so, so sorry, and I hope that you find peace. I hope that you leaving may be the thing that makes your husband come to his senses. It sounds like he needs a major wake up call. And I hope that you have tremendous support around you, to get through this and deal with the heartache and disappointment.
I’ve heard of P.I.E.D. before–it is very real and more common than we realize. It’s what porn does to the brain. You CAN retrain your brain, but you have to really want to and be diligent about it and go to God for some real cleansing, and many aren’t willing to do that.
I pray that you do find peace now!