Is it possible to get your marriage back after a spouse’s struggle with addiction?
Whether it’s pornography, alcohol, gambling, or drugs, addictions are really widespread.
I recently met blogger Leah Grey, and her story is SO inspirational. She stuck with her husband after a drug addiction, and is blogging about how they’re putting their marriage back together. And today, while I’m on vacation, she’s generously joined us to talk about what she learned after her husband’s bout with drug rehab.
Here’s Leah:
Going to treatment for addiction is not something you’ll hear preached about at church on Sunday mornings. Drug and alcohol addiction, gambling addiction and pornography addiction are all things that we Christians are expected to “Just not do”.
Yet, there are hundreds of thousands of Christian men and women struggling with an addiction every Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday afternoon and Evening.
Addiction is More Common We Think
Addiction is isolating. It can be hard if you have a loved one struggling with addiction to know where to turn for relationship advice because addiction damages the natural dynamics of a healthy relationship. The foundational keys to a healthy relationship–namely, intimacy and trust–are often completely destroyed. After the storm of addiction blazes through, you’re left to rebuild your relationship based solely on commitment.
This is not the way of the world.
To be quite honest, a healthy relationship with an active addict is impossible. Although there’s a lot of reasons I say this [Read: “How to be a Peacemaker without being a Pushover” ] amongst other things, your spouse’s addiction will always take precedence.
What about a relationship with a recovering addict?
Assuming your loved one is in or working toward recovery from an addiction, after trust has been broken and intimacy remains a fond memory, how do you begin to rebuild your relationship?
Realistic expectations.
Shoot… I bet you hoped I would say, “Romance”.
I wish!
How Do I Know?
When my husband came home after nine months of treatment for his addiction I knew that this time, things would be different. Not because he had made such a drastic lifestyle change (it was pretty major), but because I was different.
I used to think the solution to the problem was simply to fix the problem. In our case, that meant that my husband needed to stop using drugs. What I realized in his nine month absence was that it was my attitude about the problem that would change the outcome.
I had to decide if I was going to patiently pick up my cross and bear the weight of my relationship or if I really thought that freedom would come by leaving it. Realistically, leaving a problem behind rarely brings freedom [Read: “Why I Stayed With My Drug-Addicted Husband” ].
Freedom from addiction, for everyone involved, is found in complete and total healing.
And God is the only one who can change a heart. Look back on your own life for a moment and consider how God has changed you through your adversity. Recognize how brave you are because of the pain you’ve suffered! God didn’t cause that pain but He did strengthen you to go through it.
When your spouse starts to act selflessly, you can be confident they’re on the road to true recovery. It’s a sign God is softening their hardened heart and holding them accountable. You don’t need to police their progress; All you need to do is take a step back and keep your expectations realistic.
Selflessness will bring back the sizzle.
It’s almost romantic.
If you can relate to this and you’re like, “Woah! This girl totally knows where I’m at!”, here’s a list of my:
Top Ten Tips for Relationship Recovery after Addictions
1. Treat your marriage like a new relationship.
The person you fell in love with in the beginning of your relationship may never come back but that means, neither will the monster who came out during it.
'10 Tips to Rebuild Your Marriage After an Addiction--You MUST know these!'Click To Tweet2. Recognize that you’re no longer “one” but two separate people.
The Bible teaches that when a man and wife are joined they, “Become one flesh” with one another (Gen. 2:24). Well, addiction breaks your “oneness”. You’re now two people in completely different places and you’ll need to meet in the middle (and hopefully, get busy becoming one flesh again!).
3. Don’t rush sex with a recovering addict.
Wives submit to your husbands and husbands submit to your wives (Eph. 5:22-24)… how many times has this passage been used to make you feel condemned? Condemnation is not from God! You’re not obligated to submit to your spouse sexually when the foundations of your relationship have been destroyed. Don’t feel pressure to work on your sex life before work goes into restoring the foundations of your relationship.
4. Reassure your spouse that you love the “new him”
Recovery will make your spouse sensitive and insecure. They’re unsure of who they are and they’re not totally comfortable with where they’re at. Your spouse may need reassurance that you love the “new” them and that they are valued. Build up your spouse and help them to feel confident in their new selves. It will go a long way.
5. Find a hobby, alone.
This might seem counter-productive but in all likelihood, you’ve spent the last thirty days to twelve months alone. You might of been busy taking care of children, surviving on one on income, vying for insurance, without much support (because nobody brings you a casserole when your husband goes to rehab). It’s time for, “Me-Time”. I suggest both you and your spouse pick two to three hours a week to do something that makes you happy.
6. Date again.
Remember, this is a new relationship. My husband and I actually got into a huge fight on our first date night post-rehab, but you know what? We worked out whatever it was we fought about (I have no idea what it was now but it was probably silly) and we ended up having a great night. Even if you’re only able to go out once a month, make sure you go on a date. Think of it as cheap therapy. If arguing is an issue for you, you can always go to the movies!
7. Take the pressure off.
I’ve heard it said many times, “Do not let the sun go down on your anger”. In fact, it’s even Biblical (Eph. 4:26). The old adage is obviously great advice but when your relationship has gone through the turmoil of an addiction, it takes a lot more than a sweet word and a soft kiss to make things better. What we really need to do is to focus on the first part of the verse, “Do not sin in your anger”. It’s okay if things are not okay but it’s not an excuse to lose your self-control. Take the pressure off and talk about it in the morning or better yet… with a therapist.
8. Forgive daily.
Do you remember the movie Groundhog Day
9. Accept that trust takes time.
Just as your spouse should not demand trust be given, you can’t force trust to happen. Don’t give trust where trust is undue just because you feel guilty. Stay aware. That said, trust after addiction is a leap of faith. If you see your spouse is making an effort to change and live righteously, it’s on you now to try to trust them. Start with the little things and work your way up to the big ones. Pray often and operate within a healthy boundary. Remember: boundaries are healthy, “putting up walls” is not.
10. Don’t ride the rollercoaster.
'Is your spouse recovering from an addiction? Don't ride the roller coaster of emotions!'Click To TweetAs I’m sure you’ve heard over and over again, recovery is a long process. There will be highs and lows for everyone involved. You can’t control how your loved one is feeling or reacting but you can choose to get off the rollercoaster of emotion. Focus on finding peace and joy in each day. This doesn’t mean your situation will always be rosy but laughter gives relief to most pain. That’s the real key to a healthy relationship after rehab; Laugh often.
After all these things, the romance will come. Romance is the delicious strawberry (so much better than a cherry) on top of your relationship sundae. Yeah, maybe all you’ve gotten is nuts lately and you really just want some sugar but relax… change takes time.
If you’re consumed with worry or having trouble getting past the past, I have a free Bible study called, “Be Still & Know” made just for you! It’ll help you to settle into the Rest of God and take a step back from the trouble overshadowing your joy. It’s four weeks of self-study that goes straight to your inbox and comes with a twenty-page workbook you can either fill out online or be old school like me and print it out. See it here!
So, can you get your old relationship back? No… but do you really even want it back? What you can do is take the time to get to know the new (and improving) version of your spouse.
Recovery for a relationship after rehab is possible, it just takes a lot of patience and some good old hard work!
Leah Grey runs a faith-based online ministry for women with loved ones who struggle with drug and alcohol addiction. She challenges popular beliefs about addiction and encourages women to support their loved ones’ recovery, without abandoning them, by creating healthy boundaries. In March 2016, she launched her website, leahgrey.com and community for women in crisis, “Live, Love, Hope”.
Facebook: www.facebook.com/helloleahgrey
Twitter: www.twitter.com/helloleahgrey
Instagram: www.instagram.com/helloleahgrey
Pinterest: www.pinterest.com/helloleahgrey
And I’d like to introduce you to Sarah Ball, too, who has guest posted for me before! She has written a ton about anxiety, and she’s a great friend who is going places and has such an important message. This week, while I’m away, Sarah’s going to be jumping into the comments and participating a bit since I’m not around. Thanks, Sarah!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I just sent your website to a dear friend of mine whose husband is struggling with addiction. Thank you for being open and for providing a safe place for hurting hearts. <3
Thank you Melissa! I know it’s a really hard road. I started the website because I was in need of someone who understood and the community of women blessed me more than I ever bargained for. Thank you for referring your friend and supporting her, it’s essential to have friends like you on that tough journey!
Hey so both my wife and I are ex addicts, but my wife has numerous times fallen to addiction again lately, and I’m scared to death to fall back into it, what do you suggest? I don’t want to leave her hanging but I have 4 kids that need me
Leah, this is really powerful and I know many many women who are in this story. Thanks for this!
Hi Sarah! Yes, there’s so many of us out there, it’s incredible when you look at the numbers. Thank you for reading and taking the time to respond, I appreciate it!
What an amazing and inspiring story!! Thank you so much for being so open and sharing your experience with us!
You’re so welcome Anali! It’s funny, people always mention how transparent I’m being but I’m definitely not doing it on purpose. It’s so much a part of my life now I don’t even think twice about it 🙂 Just hoping to encourage others in the same situation!
I really appreciate this after watching people in my family, most importantly my sister’s marriage fall apart due to her drug addiction. It broke my heart. I’m so, so glad you are there to encourage other spouses to hang in there and not give up! <3
Tiffany that’s so hard to stand back and watch that happen in your family, especially a sister. What did you find was the best way to support her?
I’m so sorry to hear that. where is your sister at now?
This is such an important blog millions of Christians need to read who have a spouse with an addiction..and there are many !!!! So well written, your strength is so apparant and your message no nonsense! Christians need to realize codependency with an addictive spouse is enabling them and adding more weight to the marriage. You made it clear it’s the spouse without the addiction who has work to do too! Visiting from Christian Bloggers Unite after you visited my Summer Blog Tour..so glad you did so I could read yours! Excellent!
Hi Kathy! It’s really cool to hear you say that the message is clear that it’s us (the spouses) who need to “ship-shape-up or ship-out”, I’m glad that comes across! It’s really hard to not be an “enabler”, we just love them 🙂 I loved your blog as well, thank you for popping over!! Hope to chat again soon!
This is so powerful!! Thank you for sharing. xo
Absolutely Tawni! Sending the love right on back 🙂 XO
Hello Leah. I think it’s a great post, and what I like most is that you focus not on the addicted person, but the other one. I really appreciate the ‘Me-Time’ 🙂 My observation (and I work with addicted and co-addicted persons on daily basis) is that partner of an alcoholic focuses more on him and forgets about herself. I observed couple of sucesful stories, where a relationship with addicted persons survied, and usually both spouses were drawing more atention also on themselves and were simply trying to be happy. And that’s what’s life about, isn’t it? 🙂
Hi Patsys! I’m so so glad to hear you say that, you have no idea how encouraging that is to me 🙂 When I started my website it was based off years of taking a backseat to my husband’s issues. I found we would go through this cycle of “problem” – “treatment” – “post-treatment therapy” – “post treatment couples therapy” and when we finally got to the time when I was able to talk to someone, wouldn’t you know it, all we talk about was my husband! LOL Bigger problems took precedence while I worked on patience. I have such a heart for the men and women walking through this storm with all their strength. Addiction is the only situation where I think being a bit selfish is actually the way to a successful marriage!
Hello Leah,
With this powerful article you have shared a story of men and women. Your story is really an inspiration for wives. I salute you for sharing your personal life story and I’m sure it will change life of so many people.
~Dr. Diana
Hi Dr. Diana,
Thank you so much for your encouragement. I wish the story wasn’t mine some days but I’m more than happy to turn my mess into a ministry if it will help someone in the same situation get through it. I appreciate you stopping by and taking the time to reach out to me.
-Leah Grey
This is the first article that has helped me and been real about living and loving a spouse that’s overcoming addiction. I really needed this, thank you so much for sharing.
You’re SO welcome Jessica! Be smart and stay strong my dear 🙂 Reach out anytime you need!
These are really helpful tips for mending a marriage when addiction has come into play. You have a very firm grasp on addiction and how it affects both its victim and those around them, and you articulate it beautifully in this article. Thanks so much for the pointers!
You’re welcome Morgan! Do you have a loved one with an addiction?
Thank you for taking the time to write this up Leah and for sharing to us what you’ve learn from that turmoil in your marriage. And I’m very glad that you didn’t give up on your husband and your marriage. I wish you all the best in the future.
Hi Leah,
I am so glad you shared this with us.
Many of us are facing this issue with spouses or addicted children. I totally agree with Jessica. I am so proud that you didn’t give up and found out ways that worked out so well.
Also, what you talked about “DAILY FORGIVENESS” was noteworthy. I think we should adopt this in our normal life’s schedule also. Forgiveness makes us strong and yes, nothing changes daily so we should be patient and forgive.
Looking forward for some more great posts from you.
Regards,
Gary
Hi Gary! You know, I rarely get to speak to men about this because I generally write to only women (I just know them better lol) so it’s nice to hear your perspective! Forgiveness is tough, I think that’s why we have to do it daily but you’re right, it makes us strong. It’s much harder to forgive than it is to stay angry. I feel like I always need to clarify that forgiveness is not always reconciliation and for most people, boundaries need to be set in place but forgiveness needs to happen either way. At the end of the day it’s just not good for us and God has better things for us to do than be angry at broken people the enemy is already attacking! Thank you for your kind comment, I appreciate it!
Happy to help Jessica. It’s really tough and I wished I had these resources when I was looking for support. I’m hoping for the best as well but addiction is unpredictable! Trusting God takes care of my family no matter what ad hopeful my husband will stay healthy. Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to comment!
Hi, I am Beth. I am a recovering addict and am almost 13 months clean. My husband and I are really struggling to get our marriage back on track. Is there anything to help us? This seems to be geared towards a wife whose husband is an addict? For us it’s the opposite. We have two beautiful girls and we still love each other but there is a lot of resentment and we don’t know how to get through it. Please help!
Dear Beth,
Congratulations on your 13 months staying clean and sober. I plan to write a separate comment about my own addiction to alcohol and the devastating impact it has had on my marriage, but as someone who is acquainted with the addiction and the strength it takes to overcome it, I don’t even know you and I’m proud as I can be of you! You stay with it, whatever you’re doing. Take pride in this achievement, because people who have never fought this monster haven’t a clue what a cruel beast it is. I’m nearly 10 years free of alcohol, so it CAN be done. Just turn it into a matter of pride for you. It’s YOUR accomplishment. Protect it with fist, tooth and nail! The satisfaction that you feel putting the screws to this demon, whether it’s a minute at a time, a day at a time or a year at a time, only gets better.
Hang tough, and warmest wishes from a fellow recovering addict! You are truly awesome. 🙂
Hi, Beth! Did your husband struggle with addiction or just yourself? Men have a much harder time with addiction than we do. Women tend to see the emotional side of it, we understand the feelings that came before the addiction whereas men are more “action-oriented”. I would say the best way to get back on track is to be patient, keep showing and proving yourself by actions, not words and seek counseling. Men are great at building walls but terrible at knocking them down. He may need help to get his own feelings into recovery. It’s a GREAT sign he is there. The majority of men leave their wives battling an addiction so that speaks volumes to how much he loves you. Some things truly just do take time. CONGRATS on the sobriety by the way!!!!!! 13 months is a GREAT accomplishment!!!
I hope it’s alright for a man to post here. I have seen one or two others, but I want to respect that it’s a website dedicated to connecting Christian women dealing with marital issues.
If I may, I am one of those guys who poisoned the first half of his marriage with an unrestrained alcohol problem. At least four nights a week I would down anywhere from 12 to 18 beers in a sitting. My only saving grace is that I was never a violent alcoholic. I hated my job. I hated where I was living. I felt like an utter failure in every way a person can feel like one, and putting myself into a nightly alcoholic coma was the only way to get even temporary relief. This was my modus operandi from 1995, the year I got married, until early February 2007. During that whole time, my wife endured my drinking in silence. She rarely said anything directly to me, but I know there were nights that she cried herself to sleep because I was such a mess.
At a Super Bowl party in February 2007, I finally drank myself into a stupor that scared me. During a visit with my doctor a week later, he confronted me about being an alcoholic, and on that day I resolved to quit drinking. Come February of next year, I will be 10 years clean and sober without a single slip.
On the day I quit drinking, I decided I was NOT going to tell my wife what I was doing. The reason? I didn’t want to be one of those alcoholics constantly making promises to quit and change, only to lose his resolve, go back to the booze and disappoint everyone…over and over and over again. I had a lot of apologizing to do for a lot of years that I was an out of control alcoholic. The best apology was changed behavior, and given that my drinking was the biggest specter in our marriage, I assumed my wife would see that right from the get-go.
I also knew that I had a lot of work to do to rebuild my wife’s trust in me. But when I hit the 6-month sobriety mark, did she say anything to me? Not one word of acknowledgement. Not one word of encouragement. What about after a year? Nothing. Two years? Dead silence. Five years? Not one damn thing! Instead, my wife began pushing me further away. Sex and emotional intimacy dried up to a trickle by 2007 and was completely dead by 2009. She shrank away when I’d touch her even in a non-sexual way. She took our two children and moved into our basement guest room for several years. She undermined my authority as a father at every turn. And to rub more salt into a festering wound, she even quit wearing her wedding ring for several years (claimed she kept forgetting to put it back on after weight day at the gym).
In the summer of 2015, at my suggestion, we went to a marriage counselor. During two separate “active listening” sessions, she very calmly told me she couldn’t bear the thought of having children with me. It was an unsolicited remark seemingly from out of nowhere, but she was calm and very thoughtful when she said it (both times), and it shattered my heart into a thousand pieces.
There have been no extramarital affairs during our marriage. I provide the money, and it allows her to choose to stay home and take care of the kids, go to the gym every day and lead a Girl Scout troop. Household chores are shared equally between us, as is grocery shopping, cooking, taxiing the kids from one place to another, helping with homework. I have done everything I know how to do to be a good husband and father. Those years before I quit drinking are my responsibility, and there’s no way I can give them back to her, but I did the second best thing to prove my good faith by quitting drinking. And truth be told, our relationship is worse now than it was when I was getting hammered four out of every seven nights of the week.
I pride myself, not only on my sobriety, but on how I had to battle the Alcohol Demon AND my wife…the person I was getting sober for in the first place. Staying sober isn’t easy, especially once that beast gets its hooks into you. But I have beaten it, alone, and I continue to beat it everyday, alone. As long as there is an ounce of willpower left in me I will fight it until the day I die, if not for my wife, then for my kids, whom I love more than anything in the world.
But I didn’t quit drinking for my marriage to get worse, and that is exactly what has happened. If I said or did something in the first 11 years of our marriage that was a “deal breaker” to her, then I will have to live with that failure for the rest of my life. I don’t know what it is, but I’m prepared to own that transgression, if for no other reason than to have an answer for why she alienated me AFTER I got my…stuff…together.
Unfortunately, after she told me that the thought of having children with me repulsed her, I have all but checked out of my marriage. I am repelled when we accidentally touch one another. I give her a wide berth when passing in the kitchen or the hallways of our house. I can barely even look her in the eyes I’m so hurt and angry.
The bottom line: my hopes for a happy marriage are dead. Sexual and emotional intimacy have been dead even longer. I won’t file for divorce because I refuse to put my children through that hell, being the child of divorced parents, myself. I also believe that the promises made at the altar matter most when they are hardest to keep. I won’t walk away from my responsibilities, as easy and pleasant a fix as it might seem in the short term.
If you are married to an alcoholic, the commitment to get clean has to come from him. But if he makes even the tiniest good faith effort to fix things, PLEASE encourage him. Tell him you believe in him. Even if you don’t feel it in your heart, your praise could make the difference between success and failure. I cannot overstate how important this is. Tell him that every day he stays sober is a day he climbs Mt. Everest, and the more days, weeks, months and years he stays clean, the bigger the pride he’ll feel in the achievement. And one day, the accomplishment of staying sober will mean more than getting drunk. With a little luck, that pride of achievement will be self-sustaining, and just maybe, the two of you will have laid a foundation for a brand new relationship that will be better than anything you imagined even before the bad times.
Take care, everyone, and may God bless!
Thank you so much for sharing! I completely agree, encouragement and support go a LONG way. My husband told me once that I was doing a good job encouraging him but what he really wanted was to feel appreciated. I think my encouraging turned into pushing without the appreciation- if that makes sense! I’m sorry for your relationship and what’s happened there. I don’t defend your wife, although I know how easy it would have been to shut down. She’s protected herself to the point of pushing you away. One thing to remember is that you didn’t do this alone or just for her- your children have also been watching everything you’ve done. They would have watched you pull yourself out of that pit, watched you pine for your wife’s affections and watched their father be someone they can be proud of. That’s extremely important. Your motivation to get sober may have been for her but it’s certainly not the only one you’ve blessed. Take care and I pray your wife has a turn-around!
Thanks so much for sharing this. Addiction is extremely hard to get back from but supporting the other person is key. Treating a marriage like a new relationship is a great way to hopefully rediscover what you had before the addiction.
You’re SO welcome Brian! Really glad you liked it 🙂 Have you had first-hand experience with addiction in your relationship? How did it go?
Thank you for this. I’m in this right now with my husband and I am broken and lost. He wants to be clean but keeps relapsing. We have two young kids and keeping the family together has been my main goal. It’s so hard.
Hi Daisy, yes it is hard. If you’re in need of support through this you’re welcome to join the online support group, it’s free and private! It’s http://leahgrey.com/livelovehope. It’s full of other women in your shoes and they may be able to give you some specific advice. XO
Wow so true everything you wrote and explained. My wife has been gone for almost 7 weeks recovering at her parents house 12 hours away. She has been sober for the whole 7 weeks and I am ready for her to return. I am ready to trust her and take that leap of faith. I have been taking care of our 5 children during her absence and to be honest need help. I also miss the romance part :). We have been married for 21 years but she has only been an alcoholic for the last 6 1/2 years. I love her very much and really believe God has entered her life and is going to help her really change this time. I have been reading a lot to make sure I am ready to do my part to help her in recovery and not hinder anything. Just hoping for the best and trusting God. Thanks again for being so spot on.
Hello! I just want to say thanks for this post! Im literally going through finding out my husband is an addict right now! Many are telling me leave, walk away & everywhere i look online seems to tell me no marriage not one survived! This gave me hope while i feel im in a hopeless situation!To know im not alone & that this will be hard to do but can be done! THANK U
Yes Tia it can work. My wife and I have been married for 21 years and she has been an alcoholic for the last 6 1/2 years. I hung in there and kept hoping and praying and it finally worked out. She has been sober for over 90 days and I really think she will stay strong. God bless you and I hope and pray the best for you.
My husband was addicted to a drug an now that he’s been clean for a year he see me as his enemy he says he used because of me N his mind is weird now he thinks I have powers an that I’m like a alien an I know everyone is scary he always fights with me can u help me what do I do….
We didn’t cause it
We can’t cure it
We can’t control it
The first thing I learnt at Al Anon.
A tragic beast of a disease where the closest people to the addict are hurt the most. I just live in hope my husband of 25 years will somehow see the light but sadly at the moment is in complete denial together with his diabetes 🙁
HI there everyone! I’ve just learned that my husband is a sex addict-many affairs over the last 20 years unbeknownst to me. UGH! We are working with an affair recovery group, and he has put in quite a bit of effort in the last 6 weeks, including making an appointment with a sex addiction counselor, giving me passwords to cell phone, email, etc…tracking app on phone. Everyone keep telling me it’s too soon to make love to him, yet I am so drawn to him and want what I’ve missed. Am I feeding his addiction so soon into recovery? Thoughts & feedback appreciated.
I am so glad I came across this blog! I was so excited to start the 12 week Bible study but unfortunately cannot afford it right now! But being able to read the blog and the clips from the Bible study helps to get my mind thinking and remembering that there is hope!
number 6 is really awesome, it feels jealous and your partner will try their best
This was such a blessing for me. My wife is going through rehab now for addiction. I am always praying. As she was going through leaving and coming I would always let her know that I love her and my heart flows with forgiveness. I love my wife and God let me know that this is a new person that I will be dealing with after rehab so treat the relationship new. I always encourage her when we get a chance to talk. I know that she is working on her so I pray daily asking God to humble her and soften her heart. I have been working on myself alot on understanding opioid addiction and how to make the right changes so that I am able to understand my wife and what she deals with so that we can grow one day at a time to build up a new relationship. These tips are really a blessing for anyone dealing with a recovering spouse.