How can you tell if the guy you’re dating has good character–if he’s really marriage material?
About a week and a half ago I sent out an email to most people on my email list asking about ONE thing that I should focus on this fall–I wanted to figure out what people are actually interested in hearing about, to make sure that what I write about actually meets a need. We (my assistant Tammy and I) were overwhelmed at the response, and Tammy’s been making up a spreadsheet and trying to keep track of all the replies!
(If you’re not on my list yet but you’d like to get emails like this, sign up here!)
But I got one that was simply a question, and she asked me to ask you all your opinion.
Let’s do it!
Here’s a woman who was once engaged but later found out that the guy was really into porn and was a little bit of a sleaze. (Sorry if that’s harsh). She doesn’t want to make that mistake again. She asks,
Reader Question
In your previous posts, preparing for marriage, you said Character trumps it all. That people don’t just turn bad. Was wondering if you could put up a post on tips and how to discern the character within the shortest possible time to avoid wasting ages or worse still marry someone with hidden sins. For example, I’ve realized if you jump out first and start telling a guy who is really bent in marrying you that you’re a practising Christian with certain standards, they immediately start acting out like Christians but if you’re neutral and just watching him without making all those statements yet not compromising your standard he’s more likely to act out certain things earlier because he doesn’t know what you expect. That way I can run early enough. Was wondering if you could put up a blog post so everyone could make a comment.
GREAT question.
Let me take a stab with a few thoughts, and then I need to start unpacking.
Don’t Date. Do Life.
Dating is so fake. Anyone can look good when they go out to dinner and a movie. Do life together instead! Go to your small group Bible study together. Read books in the same room and hang out together. Meet his friends and do the things he normally does, and have him hang out with your friends and do the things you normally do.
And DEFINITELY tell him you’re a Christian.
You can’t really fake it. Not really. If you’re in a Bible study and he has nothing to say; if he doesn’t want to pray; if you’re talking to him about a spiritual struggle you’re having experiencing God’s acceptance and he can’t talk it out with you–then that’s a huge red flag that he’s the wrong guy.
Christianity is not about going to church on Sunday. It’s about prayer and wrestling with God and serving God CONSTANTLY. Whatever you’re doing, God is first and foremost on your mind. So if you’re living that out, it should be obvious if he’s not. If he can’t bring God into a conversation, even when you do, or express an opinion or give another perspective, then his faith is shallow.
This isn’t about how long you’ve been a Christian, either. It’s about whether you really have a relationship with God.
Christianity is not about going to church on Sunday. It’s about prayer and wrestling with God and serving God CONSTANTLY.
My daughter married a new Christian, and they talked about God all the time. It’s not about how long you’ve been a Christian (she knew the Bible a TON better than he did); it’s about whether God is on your mind. God was on Connor’s mind because Connor was thinking and praying, and that showed, even if his faith was not as old as Rebecca’s.
I often tell people when they meet someone through an online dating service and that person says they’re a Christian, just ask–“what has God been teaching you lately?” or “what has God been speaking to you about lately?” And if they give a short answer, keep the conversation going and ask them to elaborate. If they can’t have a conversation about that, then the faith isn’t real.
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So that’s my input. I’d love for you all to leave yours for this woman! How can you tell if a guy has good character? Let’s talk in the comments!
(And lately God’s been speaking to me about having too much stuff and needing to be a good steward of what He has given me. So I’m going to go purge more now!)
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Totally agree.
One thing that made dating easier with the guy I eventually married was that we had been in a Bible study together and been part of a big group that all hung out together for at least a year before we got interested in each other. By the time I realized I was falling for him, it was way too late to worry about making a good impression. We had already “done life together” and seen each others’ best and worst.
I hope the transition over the next few weeks goes well for you and your mom (and your husband, of course!).
In addition to careful observing character, my advice would be to pray that God gives you 100% certainty regarding your future spouse and that He would confirm it through His word. (Which, this requires you to be closely walking with Jesus first and foremost.) The Lord gave me complete certainty when it came to my spouse and I know of many other couples who also experienced the same thing. I would have rather been single than commit my life to another person unless I KNEW God was making it happen.
Since I was looking for certainty, if there was any doubt or anxiety about the relationship, I could tell fairly quickly that it wasn’t going to work out, and as a result I did not waste much time at all in the dating arena. And usually, that doubt/anxiety arose because of observing the other person’s character and walk with Jesus. It’s not that they have to be perfect, because obviously no one is, but I had complete peace and knew right away when my husband came along because I asked for it and God confirmed it in many ways. And that was awesome to experience. 🙂
After becoming a believer in Christ, this is the most important decision ever. We have a saying in Spanish, “Mejor sola que mal acompañada” It means “Better alone than in bad company”
A woman married to an unbeliever will always feel alone.
Another great resource is a mentor or pastor. They can see things that we are (sometimes) blinded to.
I agree with this! My daughter is seeing this already – if guys aren’t interested in talking about spiritual things, they aren’t going to be the ones for her. So glad she is thinking about this already!
Well, this may apply more to when you’re already engaged… Pre-marital therapy. Like, REAL counseling, not just how many kids do you want sort of thing. So you can decide consequences for certain behaviors, decide what your deal breakers are, and what your deepseated needs are. As for dating, watch his friends. “If you lie down with dogs, you get up with fleas.”
Totally agree! I would encourage ALL engaged couples to go through premarital counselling, I think learning how to disagree and ‘fight right’ are very important. I think if more couples had a prearranged action plan for when things get tough, the divorce rate would be much lower!
I really like Sheila’s question ‘what has God been teaching you lately’ too!
Our church encouraged pre-engagement counseling. Because once there is a ring and a date and everyone is congratulating you many people are not really open to seeing the truth or red flags.
So when you got to the point where you felt you wanted to propose marriage, instead of proposing, you expressed your intentions and asked if she would enter pre-engagement counseling with you.
The counseling would be as you said, not so much about how to resolve conflict number of kids etc., but to actually start mapping out your life and seeing where expectations, goals, heart issues, values, worldview, etc.
One thing I look for is how the guy responds to me when I confront him. This includes saying ‘no’ to things and expressing how something he did affected me (negatively). If he respects my ‘no’, if he listens to what I have to say without getting defensive (note that I could be wrong in my assessment of his behavior and he could disagree; that’s fine, but the point is how he listens), that’s a good sign. If he makes excuses, says he’s sorry but doesn’t change anything, or tries to manipulate me into changing my mind (things like ‘why won’t you do x? I said I was sorry!’ ‘Why are you so stubborn?’ ‘Christians should forgive!’) those are huge red flags that tell me 1. He doesn’t know how manage his own emotions 2. He’s not going to respect me if the relationship continues and the conflicts get more serious. Sometimes it takes a while to see this, but often you can tell this the first few times you interact with someone. In my experience, if you notice small inconsistencies that could be written off as no big deal, and the person flatters you too much, these are some precursors to this type of behavior. Good character means you are secure in yourself, you can manage your own thoughts and emotions without resorting to controlling other people, and you are a teachable person who can accept feedback.
Great post Sheila. Totally right Amanda. My friend once said “a man’s respect for his lady is as important as his love. Don’t overlook disrespect”.
Well, I disagree that someone can’t fake it. Most people aren’t fakers but abusers will fake it to get their victim under their control.
Generally speaking I agree with what you wrote. Intimate conversation, rather than entertainment, is how you get to know someone. If things start getting serious, read some Christian marriage books together and see if you can talk through things and compromise.
Watch his relationship with his mother and his father. Does he treat them well? Does he allow them to baby him or rescue him rather than encourage him?
I agree….there are some people who can fake it really well and have fooled people for years. So definitely is a good idea to watch them in different scenarios to see how they react. One big thing is how they love others…..if you see them serving and loving, that’s a good sign it’s genuine.
I agree. I know a man who faked it so well he not only fooled her, but her family, and her church. He was a deacon and ministry leader and everything. After a couple years of marriage, he became resentful of the fake life and decided to “be himself.” Left the church, cheated on her, divorced her, moved away, and remarried, leaving everyone with their jaws to the floor.
Well it certainly helps when you have already developed a friendship with a man before you start getting into a dating relationship with him. Dating is not the best way to get to know someone. A lot of married couples, including ourselves, were friends before anything else began. Instead of rushing into a romantic and exclusive relationship just be friends and get to know each other. Discern his character just like you do any other person that you become friends with. I’m not suggesting all male friends become potential boyfriends to you, but if you meet someone who you’re interested in just be content with starting with a good solid friendship first. And don’t be so focused on meeting the right guy that you miss someone right im front of your nose who you’ve been friends with for years and who has good character and faith coming out his ears!
That is a great point. My husband did start by “dating” me. We did not have the same circle of friends so we did not know each other. But in a way, we weren’t really dating. We just talked on the phone the first month of meeting each other. Then he asked me out.
But we did not hold hands, kiss, anything romantic for about another 2-3 months. We were just spending time together and developing a friendship and enjoying each others company before we moved into romance.
Then when we became more romantic it felt natural and comfortable because I was more confident in who he was as a person.
We also participated together in each others ministry activities and went to Bible studies together.
And this was all initiated by him, not him just doing something because I asked him. He led the relationship in this direction.
Such great advice! One thing I would add and that I tried to do when I was dating was that I really tried to just observe – observe his life, definitely observe how he treated people in a “lesser role” (i.e. Servers at restaurants), etc. From there I would piece that together with what he said to me and how he acted towards me. If it all lines up chances are he’s a sincere person. So if he’s claiming Christianity, and he’s sincere, you’ll see that permeating each aspect of his life. This, for me, is not about expecting perfection, it is about expecting the seeking heart God calls us to. And let me just say, my husband is FULL of Godly character 🙂
I’m not married but I’ve been in the dating scene for awhile… I too am scared of making a bad marriage choice, and I there are a few things that I try to keep in mind when dating a buy.
First of all, I try to Build friendship first. When meeting a nice guy I’m often tempted to skip the friendship part and go straight to the relationship, but the time spent building a friendship is very important. It allows two people to actually be themselves and it is the moment to start looking for red flags.
There are some things I look:
1. Does he pursue a relationship with God? I don’t want a guy who tries to be a Christian to be with me, I want someone who wants to be a Christian.
2. How does he treat women in general, and especially those he is not interested in? A man who mistreats his mother, sister or friends is not a man who will treat his girlfriend well.
3. Is he humble? A man who thinks that he knows all, is a man who is very difficult to live with.
4. What opinion have of him his longtime friends and aquaintances? If he is respected and loved by people who have known him for years or decades, it is a good sign.
The last thing I would say is: trust your gut. If you are sure that your are not an overly suspicious person or a psychopath but still feel that something isn’t right, don’t dismiss this feeling. Also, his reaction to your concerns is very important: a man who cares about you and doesn’t have anything to hide, will do his best to solve your concerns.
Nice one, I totally agree
‘Build friendship first’. How do you do that? When he’s already asking you out for lunch and dinner dates?
I’d agree — there are people for whom private matters are just private (possibly more likely in introverts, but by no means necessarily), and it is a really personal question to ask someone you only met recently! Because the answer to that question might be something fairly generic, or more God focused, like “pray more”, or it might be related to that person’s biggest failure and struggle that they’ve ever faced in their whole life, and you just don’t know. Doesn’t mean he won’t open up in time.
Sorry, I replied on the wrong thread.
Well then, according to this my husband of 15 years must not have good character. I must have married the ‘wrong guy’. Because he is not ‘spiritual’ in the way you describe. At all. He is a Christian, but he is not going to tell you how God is working in his life. He just won’t. But he has been nothing but a faithful, kind, loving husband to me and a father to our kids. I’m just really struggling with this. You are not the first person who has said things like this before either. People I know say things like: ‘well my husband is only staying away from temptation because he is always on his knees and in the Word.’ Well where does that leave my husband? He isn’t always on his knees or in the Word. So does that inevitably mean he has a porn addiction? Or is going to stray? It is so frustrating to hear things like this when my reality is what it is. Also, if I supposedly married the wrong guy because he doesn’t pray as much as I think he should, then does that also mean my children were not meant to be??
Don’t let it upset you. Everyone is different. I think Sheila is not entirely objective with the talking about God and being spiritual thing. As far as I can see she is from a family of extroverts. It would also depend on your upbringing and denomination and the general culture. I never talk to anyone about what God is doing in my life. Cause that’s really weird (we’re also Presbyterian). I can barely talk about my feelings under the best of circumstances for goodness sake. Same for most of my family and my husband.
Just because you don’t see your husband on his knees doesn’t mean that he’s not praying. Same with his Bible reading. He could be reading it on his phone. Or listening to the Bible/ praying in the car. Also, not everyone has the same temptations. Not all men are tempted by porn.
Some Christians just seem to be really touchy feely. Some of us just aren’t. And that’s ok.
Absolutely, Alchemist. I’d agree. Just because a person doesn’t feel comfortable praying out loud doesn’t mean they don’t pray. I do agree, and I’ve actually written posts about how to pray with someone who isn’t a natural pray-er.
I do think, though, that introvert or extrovert, a person with a genuine relationship with Christ would be able to say something about what God is teaching them lately or what verses they’re particularly drawn to, and why. If someone can’t articulate why their relationship with God is personal, I don’t think that’s just an introvert/extrovert problem. If you want to marry someone for whom God is #1, then that person should be able to say something about their relationship with God I think?
Yes, my husband is an introvert. Introverts do speak. I don’t think anyone would get married to someone to never talked about what was important to them. Do they want children? A few, a lot? Is having one parent at home, full-time, with the children a goal or do they want a dual income family? What see their dreams and goals? People talk about these things when deciding whether or not to marry. If the person you’re dating can’t or won’t talk about his faith with you while dating, then assume it will be that way while you’re married. Don’t assume he’ll place a priority on sharing his faith with your children if he’s unable to talk about it while you’re dating. I don’t think it’s fair to be frustrated with your spouse if he’s exactly who he showed himself to be while dating.
Confused,
Great question! A few thoughts:
Sometimes husbands have a less outgoing and maybe more passive personality. So the spiritual “acts” they do may be more in private, like praying, reading or listening to Scriptures on their own. They may not be too comfortable praying aloud in a group etc. maybe they’re not used to it or it hasn’t been modeled to them in their family.
Your husband seems to be kind and loving. Remember love, kindness (gentleness, self-control, peace, patience, goodness, joy) are fruits of the Spirit.
I’d agree — there are people for whom private matters are just private (possibly more likely in introverts, but by no means necessarily), and it is a really personal question to ask someone you only met recently! Because the answer to that question might be something fairly generic, or more God focused, like “pray more”, or it might be related to that person’s biggest failure and struggle that they’ve ever faced in their whole life, and you just don’t know. Doesn’t mean he won’t open up in time.
PS. But there are other spiritual questions you can ask, like, what is your favourite thing about God, about church (both general and your specific one), etc
Things that reveal Character:
1. How does he treat people in general? How does he talk about people he knows and doesn’t know? Does he make disrespectful remarks?
2. How does he talk about his parents and siblings? How does he interact with his family? Is he respectful, yet leads his own life or does the family control or baby him? If he is not in regular contact with his family, why?
3. How does he handle money? He is wasteful or stingy? Or generous yet thoughtful in his money habits? What are is his opinions on giving, saving, debt?
4. Does he have a job? Does he switch jobs often -why? How is he talking about his boss and co-workers? What are his future career ideas? Does he have goals in that area? What is his general attitude about work?
5. How is he handling mistakes? Does he play them down, blame others or take responsibility?
6. How does he act under authority? Is he compliant, a blind follower or rebellious? Or can he respect authority yet draw boundaries when he disagrees with something?
7. How does he act when he is in charge? Does he consider others and treat them respectfully or is he self centered, manipulative or bullying? Is he unable to take the lead and shies away from responsibility?
Hi Sheila,
You’re saying that Christianity is about “prayer and wrestling with God and serving God CONSTANTLY”.
What are Scriptures are you referencing that lead you to this definition as the primary focus of the Christian life? Just curious…
Great question! How about “And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.” Colossians 3:17. “Pray without ceasing.” 1 Thessalonians 5:17. “So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” 2 Corinthians 4:18. We’re supposed to practice the presence of God, to be focused on Him always, and to live a life that is a constant prayer in whatever we do. He is the focus of our lives, not our circumstances!
That makes sense.
So, do we do practice the presence of Christ because we are “trying” to become one with Christ — or is it simply a reflection of the fact that we, as believers, are in mystical union with Him due to His death, burial and resurrection from the Cross?
In other words, practicing the presence of Christ just comes naturally to us believers because we are believers — not because we are trying to “make it happen” — it’s the pull of our new nature directing us.
Honestly, I think it’s a bit of both. I read this AWESOME book by Mark Buchanan this year called Your God Is Too Safe where he talks about the importance of spiritual disciplines. What he says is that it’s HARD to read your Bible. It’s HARD to pray. These things are difficult. But as we do them more and experience God more, they become part of our nature, like breathing. But the discipline comes first, and then the integration into who you are.
Now, obviously our identity in Christ is fixed from the moment of salvation; but experiencing the presence of God is something that happens as sanctification happens, I think. Thanks for helping me think this through today!
Wow! Just have to bookmark this page. Great counsel.
I would just like to add that it is important to listen to the Holy Spirit when deciding if a potential spouse is right. Some are great pretenders and can carry on a lengthy facade.( Remember how Joshua was deceived into a treaty with the Gibeonites.) If we take the time to listen to His voice, He will guide us. However, you must be fully devoted to the Lord yourself and willing to follow his counsel. You will not be able to discern a mate’s character or walk with the Lord if you are half-hearted about your relationship with Christ. If you are whole-heartedly pursuing Christ, the Spirit will testify if your love interest is doing the same.
Quite frankly, I married a guy who is great at going to church and just blending in. He’s not passionate about God. We had a long-distance romance, so it was harder to detect red flags. And everyone who knew him was singing his praises to me. He’s a good man, and I love him. But I yearn for the day we are more equally yoked.
I think the suggestions in this post are excellent. Especially that they should be able to talk about what God is showing them and how they are struggling and growing.
I would add, you should be looking for pre-existing evidence that they are sincere about their faith.
For example, he should already, not once you meet him, but already have been not just attending, but involved in a church. Involved. Serving, attending Bible study and have a life oriented around serving God.
He should be able to talk about his giftings and how he thinks God wants to use him.
How do you find out all these if you’re just talking on the phone?
Talking on the phone, is obviously very different than face to face, but I still think you can ask him questions & see what his opinion is, that will give you an idea of the type of person he is, especially if you get onto talking about faith in God & how he sees God working in his life by faith, hard one to fake that.
I agree, but there are bigger red flags. I was married for 22 years and during most of the marriage I did not realize how abusive it was because in between the insults was love bombing. After 18 years of marriage I finally starting researching and realized I was married to a narcissistic sociopath. He owned about 20 bibles in different forms and knew it inside out. Since the separation he went to sunrise service on easter Sunday and got saved, he made sure he was right up front for the cameras, tears and all. Then a few months after that he was baptized. He is now a grand born again, but this is all a ruse to hide what he’s actually doing (the spiritual mask)….In private he is financially abusive to the kids and I, he slanders me to people who are not born again, he is mentally and verbally abusing the children all the while going to church on Sundays and crying to the people there that I am abusing him and making himself the victim. He is a very charming man who can talk all about the bible and make you believe he’s really this godly man, but the could not be further from the truth. Be careful ladies, these men are very good at what they do. Do not ask him to,( tell me about yourself) because this is what they do best. They love talking about themselves, instead ask them about what kind of relationship they have with God and ask them about their relationship with their family, does he have male friends; this will tell you if he can sustain a relationship, is he disciplined this is a big one. If he starts making himself look like a hero, paying for police officers coffee or service mens meals, thats a sign that he’s trying to make himself look good and not really about doing something good. When people lie they look down a lot, if he compliments your shoes RUN!
Thank you for that, Sandra. It’s very helpful. I laughed about the shoes–that’s likely very true! And this is such good advice: “instead ask them about what kind of relationship they have with God and ask them about their relationship with their family, does he have male friends.” Yep.
Is there anyone writing this type of article for our sons who are looking for wives with good character?