What do you do if you find out that your husband uses porn?
One of the most recent questions I get from readers is about husbands using porn. Here’s a question that recently came through:
I have recently discovered that my husband looks at pornographic websites on his phone. He doesn’t know that I know. This happens daily 🙁 He recently went on a business trip and his bank statements shows that he visited a stripclub. I am heartbroken and don’t know how to deal with this. I have prayed about it and pray for his protection daily.
As I’m writing this I’m getting ready to go away on vacation and I’m scheduling posts to go up while I’m gone, and I thought that, since I’ve written so much on porn and marriage, I would answer this question by linking to a bunch of posts that I think will help.
So here goes!
Praying is Wonderful–but sometimes God wants you to do more than just pray. Sometimes God wants you to pray SO THAT you are fortified to do what is right:
On the War Room & the Purpose of Prayer
And ALL of my book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage talks about this. One of my central premises is that too often we think it’s more “Christian” to “leave things at the foot of the cross” than it is to do the hard work of making real peace (rather than just keeping peace!) God wants us to stand up for what’s right.
When you discover your husband watching porn, you will have to confront him.
4 Things You Must Do if Your Husband Watches Porn
That’s because you’re called to be his wife, not his enabler. You are the person that God appointed to be a helper to your husband–and you’re not helping him if you’re covering up sin and letting it fester. That doesn’t mean that you should confront him without first praying about it, getting counsel, and getting some people to help you. You don’t just go off the handle right away. But you need to move towards getting support so that you can say, “this stops now.”
Dealing with Your Husband’s Porn Addiction
Internet Controls for Your Computer
“It’s even harder because my husband is in ministry.”
If your husband is a pastor or a missionary, then what do you do? If you confront him and cause a scene, he may lose his ministry–and your livelihood. Some thoughts on that, too.
When Your Husband is in Ministry–and He Uses Porn
“It’s just porn, though. Everybody uses it. Shouldn’t I just get over it?”
That’s what society is telling us. But society is wrong, and increasingly the secular world is realizing it too. Here’s what porn actually does to people. It’s the leading cause of libido loss and sexual dysfunction in men. It causes selfishness and loss of intimacy. It causes men to be lousy lovers. And so much more! Read this with your husband and talk about it:
“But shouldn’t I just forgive him and move on? “
Sometimes, if we forgive too early, we actually prevent the hard work that God wants to do in your husband’s life. Here’s what forgiveness and reconciliation should actually look like:
So there you go! I hope that helps. And to the many readers who write in with this problem, I pray for you everyday. I know how hard this is. And I pray that you all get the help and support you need!
And thank you to Cheri Gregory who has graciously agreed to keep the comments section active while I’m away (and she has a guest post coming up this week, too!). Be sure to stop by her website and check her out, too. She’s got great stuff on HSPs (Highly Sensitive People!) And let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I am still dealing with this 9 months after finding it. I did confront it right away. What I did was left his history up to let him know that I knew. Probably not the best way to handle it. But it got his attention because we had been arguing about it prior for a couple of months with him denying it. So with the proof there in black and white of what he had been doing there was the start of getting help. Unfortunately for us lying continued for months. So my personal healing has really taken a blow. He did stop viewing the day that found the history but there was so much more to tell that he failed to tell and lied about.
My husband is doing and saying all the right things. I see his changes. But since he has lied to me for our entire marriage and engagement I feel as if I have no solid ground to stand on anymore. I am unsure if I even truly love him. The way he was so willing to bury me into the ground to keep his addiction a secret is hard to take. The emotional abuse that I took and self esteem blows have been many.
I pray that my numbness towards him right now is all part of the healing process. This is so not where I want to be.
I encourage you to find a mentor that you are comfortable with to discuss these feelings. Often it takes bringing a mentor/close friend into the conversation to have some accountability for you both.
I pray you that as you work through this it will bring the two of you closer.
Echoing Sheila’s encouragement. You need your own safe source of support as you work through the pain of your own grief process. Praying for discernment and compassion as you journey through this!
hi, I wanted to let you know that you are not alone in this. I found out in January that my husband had been lying about watching porn for almost the first three years of our marriage. I was devastated and felt so cheated on. There were days that I didn’t want to live and I felt like I was in a black hole. The endless turmoil in my mind was constant and I had no peace for fear that he was still lying about everything even though he said he was trying I didn’t know whether he actually was. Then just over two weeks ago I asked God for the truth about whether my husband was in recovery or not. I asked specifics and God gave them to me. God has shown me that my husband is fighting this and I have had much more peace than before. God told me ahead of time the last time he did do it but I didn’t ask him and he confessed to me. I prayed that he would cry if he was truly repentant and he started crying and my husband cries extremely little. There is hope and you are loved. We have covenant eyes on our computer and that has helped me trust better too. I know there is the chance he could go around it but if he does that then it would be deliberate and God will show me.
I have been married 26 years and have been dealing with this issue for 24. However, I believe that my husband had started this porn stuff when he was very young. My honeymoon was weird and there was not much sex then at all. Now that I’m older my husband has informed me that he just was not attracted to me anymore and blamed me for no sex in the marriage for several years. Thee men don’t get better but they contine to lie, cover up, and deny that they have a problem. My h usband had informed me several years ago that he was not going to waste his cologne on me anymore. So this week, he left for a dental appt smelling of heavy colgone. It made me feel horrible. I have no respect for him anymore and plan on getting things together to sell my home and leave next year. I am 65 and would like a relationship with a real man. I haven’t felt married for a long time now. I’ve been in a sexless marriage since I was 52. I hate the man now. So this is what happens if you stay with them.
Same situation different man. I feel your pain. Sometimes I wish I never met this person. Things should be so different but they aren’t and I am older than you. Dont really know what to do anymore. I can pray for him and others that are addicted to substances, porn, and the constant lying to cover up and continue using. Why drag us into the sickness. They are afraid to face it. They act like Christians but only on Sunday or when its called for.
I’m feeling exactly what you are feeling. Which brings sadness to my heart. This porn addiction that my husband have has enabled me as a person. I’m so torn! When will it ever stop!
My husband sticks to gray areas like provocative, but mainstream YouTube videos, movies, tv shows, and whatever gets passed around a work. He told his coworkers and friends no porn texts. He says he doesn’t watch the movies and TV shows “for that.”
If I catch him watching a provocative YouTube video, like comic con videos featuring buxom girls in literally painted on costumes, he will show me the one beautiful costume and pretend to complain about the rest. Yet, there he is looking at it all. Seeing nude and nearly nude women over and over.
He isn’t masturbating to them, as far as I can tell. He isn’t withholding sex from me. Apparently, I need to “grow up” and realize we live in a world of exposure and a man can look, he can see without dwelling on it. I am just jealous and have too low self esteem, apparently. All I want is to be the only nude woman he sees! I would have to have a lifetime subscription to Playgirl to match the number of nude women he’s seen just in mainstream stuff and whatever else is casually available to him!!
But, what is there for me to do? He sticks to the easily excused Gray areas, and says all the right things to any pastor we go to. He is deceiving himself, thinking he is good because he doesn’t go to xxx sites and is desensitized to nudity, sexuality on screen, and misogyny.
I agree that we can see nudity without lust, but that doesn’t mean we should, especially when it is done in profit-making, shock-factor lewdness.
I can’t be his Holy Spirit, but this affects how I feel towards him and towards our marriage bed, but he thinks I am being ridiculous. I notice sometimes he leaves the room and seeks me out while watching such shows, indicating that he is waiting for the sex scene to pass. I appreciate that, but I wish he would just not watch the shows at all! All it does is tell the industry to make more of these types of shows.
Deep down, I also have this fear that he is going to see so many naked women that he will no longer see me. It happened before in our marriage. But I was still young, am still young and can stay fit and fake it for now. But, I will age. And instead of seeing the beauty of a mature woman, he will still be seeing sexuality and nudity emphasized in impossible youth. I am afraid that it will ruin him, and ruin our sex life, our marriage. On top of that he has no business looking at other women nude. Heck, he wouldn’t change our daughter’s diaper and tells her not to leave her Disney princess dolls naked around the house, but it is ok to see hundreds of actresses and models fully nude!? Real life non sexual nude situations within the family (like diaper changing our infant daughter) somehow felt wrong to him, but watching Emilia Clarke disrobe and have sex on screen doesn’t feel wrong?!
All I can think is that he either feels entitled or is deceived. Maybe both. Maybe some Madonna-Whore complex, or maybe that misogynistic phenomenon people are starting to talk about where guys protect and have standards for those they are close to, but all other females are fair game. The, “don’t you dare mess with my wife/daughter/sister/mother, but it is ok to joke about raping the hot chick at the bar, or calling the distracted college girl a derrogatory name, or sharing nude photos of some barely legal snapchat.
Either way, it is hard to respect a man like that and that hurts a marriage.
But, hey, it’s all my fault. I just need to forgive and understand and be respectful and change my attitude because I am the crazy one.
libl — I hear your frustrations. And your fears. It’s not your fault. Praying for discernment, wisdom, comfort, and peace.
You don’t need to grow up!!! That’s what my husband told me on several occasions. I pray for peace for all of us who’s hearts have been crushed.
Libl, that is the place I was for many many years. My husband choosing programs over me. Things as simple as Survivor made me uncomfortable. I was always told that I was just too insecure. Everybody watches these types of programs. For me I didn’t like how you had to change who you were to win not to mention the women running around in their underwear.
Since discovery my husband has given up the TV completely. His choice not mine. Even so the temptations are everywhere they go. Billboards, radio programs can be enticing, women’s voices and perfume. It is just non-stop.
I feel like it is a hopeless battle at times. We are getting help. We both see counselors. We are both in groups. Since the lying and deceiving went on for so long in our case I just have a hard time being able to move on. I feel stuck. Our whole marriage was based on lies. In our case he cheated while in engaged which I had just found out as well. So it is alot to process through. I do think that I need more aggressive treatment and I am on a waiting list for that.
me — It sounds like you’re dealing with a lot all at once. Good for you for continuing to advocate for yourself and your marriage. This part of the healing can feel overwhelming … you are doing better than you know!
Being a man in recovery from pornography addiction (30 years), I encourage wives to have some understanding of the situation:
A. Most people use pornography to “deal” with emotional issues that they never learned the skills to cope with when they were kids. It is a coping mechanism that was freely available to us when we hit puberty and it feels good.
B. Almost all people don’t want to be “addicted” to pornography. It is a very shameful and isolating addiction. Think of your darkest secret, and imagine if that is what you did daily to cope with your feelings of inadequacy, rejection, etc. It is very shame inducing.
C. HEAPING more shame onto your husband is not the solution, although I understand the reaction wives would have. The addiction is shame based, heaping more shame is only going to make the addiction harder to recover from. Listen to Brenee Brown talk about shame and understand how powerful it is. I imagine NO man wants to admit to his wife, family, etc. that he is addicted to porn.
D. I have learned, after trying to stop on my own, the porn addict can’t stop on his own and needs to get into a 12 step SA group and also I would strongly suggest individual counseling. The group setting helps to reduce the shame so that the addictive behavior can stop.
The cycle is: Trigger – Masturbation – Shame – Repeat
Recovering — Thanks for sharing your perspective. Addiction is such a complicated issue for all involved. My husband and I both brought different addictions into our marriage. When it came to mine, I longed for his compassion. When it came to his, I struggled with contempt. Anonymous groups were vital for both of us.
Hello…i found websites on my boyfriend’s computer and I’m devestated… he went through a divorce 7 yrs ago and on his wife d idnt have sex for 2 yrs with him which I think led him to this..he only has sex, we hardly ever make love..i tell him all the time he feels cold and distant but he says he loves me and wants this to work…what would u recommend…should I tell him I found him and confront him…i don’t want him to say screw it and run…i want to help him..i love and adore him and my main purpose is to make him see a woman can be loving loyal and trustworthy…im so scared and afraid of what may happen but I feel if I don’t say anything it won’t ever end
Please help me understand this porn in the first place?! Is it your fantasies that your fulfilling or is it just something that yourself is dealing with? I’m sooo speechless on this because I truly don’t understand it.. 💔😢
You are not alone. My husband and I have struggled with pornography in our marriage. It truly can devastate your relationship. But God can and will heal all things. Prayer, accountability and counseling are three things that need to happen to help you regain trust, self esteem and the sex life in your marriage. Praying for you all. There is hope, my husband and I are proof of that!
Melissa —
“There is hope, my husband and I are proof of that!”
Thank you for your words of encouragement!
Cheri
My husband and I have been married for 16 years. He is a godly man and the best dad I know! We’ve never hidden anything from one another, and I trusted him with my whole heart, there was no area for mis-trust. Until…April 26, 2016 after feeling what I call distance from him and I didn’t know why, for some reason I checked his phone (in 16 years I never had checked his phone, we used eachother’s phones all the time). My heart raced and I thought I was going to vomit or perhaps even die when my world crumbled as I saw nude images of women on his phone. He was up front, humble and extremely apologetic. He said he looked at nude women, not videos or other forms of porn 6 times in the Fall and 10 times in 2016. I wrestle with that not being “as bad” as what some other wives experience and therefore am I over-reacting. That’s the equivalent of once every 10 days. I do need to add that I am very sexually interested and want to be with my husband ideally 7-9 times per week, he is more like 2-3 times a week.
We saw a Christian counselor for help (right now I am seeing him alone for a while), thankfully with the help of the therapist I finally don’t feel like my husband masturbating to porn was my fault (I used to be a runway model and I thought I am not pretty enough anymore, he wouldn’t have looked at porn if I had fake boobs, kept up on the laundry better, was smarter, if I had more money, etc.) Although I don’t believe those lies anymore and I do believe I have forgiven him, I don’t trust him anymore. I SOB EVERYDAY still and often multiple times per day and night. The pain of porn is exhausting and life changing and for sure marriage changing. My heart is broken. ?
I have read many Christian books and countless Christian blog posts to try relieve the pain. My husband has felt horrible, humbly apologized several times and assures me of my worth and assures me he hasn’t even considered looking at porn since he was caught. That’s nice, but the damage is done, the pictures are in my mind and my heart feels as though my husband has been unfaithful with the images of countless airbrushed women. I don’t know how to go on. Some days are okay (but even on the good days porn is in my thoughts) and some days and especially nights are unbearable to feel like he preferred other women to me.
We have kids and they are amazing, I have installed Covenant Eyes as well as read several books to help them not fall into the temptation of porn. Because of our children I have to stay, but even with his apologies and attempt to reassure me and help my pain, most days I want to escape the pain pornography has brought to my life, most days I think it would be better to not be married anymore (and I love him and am in love with him to the point that it hurts, I adore my husband). Part of me thinks it might help to talk to a girlfriend (and still my counselor) but porn is a sin that changes the way people view the man who looked/looks at it therefore I am afraid to say anything and bring disrespect to my husband and to the way people view our marriage.
Any advice or ideas would be welcomed. Thank you very much,
I’m so sorry about this! I can see how devastated you are.
Can I just say something, though? Your husband seems really repentant. He confessed right away, he agreed to Covenant Eyes, he apologized. It sounds like he really gets what he did.
So I’d just say: don’t make this situation worse than it is. FIGHT! Fight FOR your marriage and AGAINST the porn; don’t fight your husband. And fight the lies that are coming into your head! It’s easy to think, “if I were just like this” or “but he likes women like that better”, but the fact is that he chose you, he is married to you, and he has children with you. You’re the one he really wants to be with. So replace accusations in your head with the truth, and work really hard on starting to date your husband again. It’s going to be tough. It really is. You’ll have to fight all those things going on in your head. But you really must, because your marriage is worth it, and it sounds like you have a great guy there who just simply messed up!
Dear Sheila,
Thank you very much for your quick and thoughtful response! I have read and re-read it several times and you have given me such a better perspective. As I mentioned, it has been hard to not talk to a woman who understands and has been a wife who experienced the pain of pornography, so to have your wonderful website to address difficult topics and to be able to share and get your advice is extremely valuable. Thank you!
I am grateful my husband feels much remorse and is as he said, “Willing to do anything for as long as it takes to regain my trust” so instead of continuing to relive the pain and fight him, I am praying I can do as you said, fight the lies in my mind and trust his love for me. My husband is reading a book to help learn to regain my trust (I read it first and it is very good) called Worthy of Her Trust. I know the Bible says, “He works all things together for the good of those who love Him” and I have recited that numerous times and I can begin to see that the pain of pornography has forced me to be even closer to God, I have relied on Him in the toughest moments (and wow there are many unbearable moments in the midst of this!).
Thank you again for your advice and for the many great lessons taught in your blog. I love getting your emails and I read the responses which is neat.
?
This is my marriage all over. Cried all the way through reading this. Is any marriage really worth the pain?
We struggled with this in our marriage many years ago. Since he was in total denial, I used several tools to bring it to light (I was quite computer literate at that time). After bringing it to light, we used Covenant Eyes. That helped. As my husband healed, I found that I couldn’t. I couldn’t let go of the pain, lack of trust and disappointment. And I’m the one that should have known better. Every Friday I prayed with three friends for our marriages and all marriages. One day they laid it out and said this was between me and God. One suggested I go away for a weekend and work this out. I did. I got a hotel room for the weekend. No TV. No computer. Just me and the Lord. The first night God impressed on me we would not be discussing the porn issue. This was about my relationship with Jesus. After lots of tears, journaling, reading, praying and praising and worship, it was the last day. Jesus asked if he was enough and told me to let go. By his grace, I did. It just left me? Even I was shocked. Once I laid that on the cross, it released my husband. My unforgiveness and bitterness was keeping us both in bondage. It hasn’t been an issue since. God just loved me through it. It was an amazing weekend I’ll always cherish and never forget. We were high school sweethearts and have been married 37 years.
Oh, what a wonderful story! I love the idea of the hotel for a weekend. Thank you SO much for sharing!
*sigh* As a man this is a really frustrating issue. I have so many feelings about this topic that I do not know where to start.
I am a 37 year old that has been married 5 years. My wife is 34 and was a virgin (I was not a virgin) when we met 8 years ago. We both met at church through a children’s church volunteer ministry we both served in.
When we met after 3 months we intentionally became exclusive. After 6 months of dating we knew that we were going to be married. She constantly asked me about us having sex during that time. I actually wanted to wait until we were at least engaged but, it became a daily conversation until eventually I decided to do it. The following year all the way through our marriage in 2011 we were intimate on average 2 to 3 times a week. The year following marriage (2012) that number declined to twice a month. In 2013 it declined to once a month. In 2014 it temporarily spiked when we were attempting to get pregnant but otherwise was more like once every 6 weeks. We did not have sex the entire pregnancy (which I had no problem with). After our daughter was born we did not have sex for another 8 months because of my wife’s hormones. I was understanding of that. Finally it reached a point where we have only had sex once every 3-4 months.
I asked her about it and she said that she is stressed from her job. That prompted me to start a business on the side. That allowed her to go part time and only work 3 days a week. She has subsequently told me that has lifted a lot of stress off her. However, she then said our living situation was stressful because we were renting a really small place. Combined with a baby it was hard to have any room. That prompted me to find us a house. We were blessed enough to actually buy our dream home at a young age because of my business income on the side. Again she told me that this removed a lot of stress from our lives. Still our sex life is non-existent and she tells me she is tired. I actually meal plan for us because we both live healthy so I prepare all of the weekly meals while she handles weekend food prep and the bulk of the meals for our daughter. I give her free time alone as a break from our daughter but, even then she still says she is tired. She went to the doctor and they found no hormonal issues or any health problems. Yet and still she does ever even mention sex. She will have it I initiate it and express frustration but, other than that she she disinterested.
One day I was on Instagram looking at some pics of a woman in different bikinis. She saw that and got angry. I literally am allowed no sexual stimulation at all. It is extremely frustrating and I feel like I have no outlet to release my sexual frustration. It is very hard as a man to constantly feel aroused. Some nights I can’t sleep without first masturbating to relieve some built up pressure.
We actually spoke to a counselor at our church and I walked feeling like I was at fault. She told my wife that it is not wise to deprave yourself or your husband of intimacy but, that was all she had for my wife. On my end she mentioned all of these societal things that women go through that make them less interested in sex. It felt like she was blaming me. My wife did not change. I also spoke with my mentor about it because he has been married for 22 years. He asked me if I wanted an honest answer and I obliged. He then proceeded to explain to me that this is part of marriage and as men we just have to deal with it. In short there is nothing I can do. I have opened up to some close married male friends of mine as well. They have all pretty much echoed the same thing. One told me that when he decided to marry he expected that sexual intimacy would occur infrequently over time.
At this point I feel depressed about it and internally go back and forth between being angry and being sad. I often wish that I had never gotten married and if I did my have my daughter I would seek a divorce. Part of me also wonders if this some sort of punishment from God because as an athlete in college I was so sexually active. I am at a point where I feel trapped and do not know what to do.
Also, pretty much everything I read on-line makes men out to be villains in this situation.
Dear Sheila,
I was wondering if you could help me understand how to fight porn (and not my husband)? I fight many of the lies with God’s help (Ilies like it was my fault, I am not pretty enough, etc.) but I get stuck still realizing he chose looking at naked pictures instead of me and I can’t wrap my brain around why he would choose what is artificial over a super excited to make love anytime wife. He tried to explain that he looked at pictures and mastuebated as a release from major stress he was under and he made it clear many times that what he did was wrong and how deeply sorry he is but I still cry most days, unable to get the few pictures I saw of the women he looked at out of my head and although I have forgiven him it has caused me to not trust my husband which is so sad. He is very patient, caring and apologetic and he is trying to do anything to help me feel better but I just can’t seem to get over it. We have fun together and in my mind there is an elephant in the room (porn and inadequacy in my head). How do you recommend fighting porn? The sadness is overwhelming and I don’t get enough sleep due to crying and it is hard to function sometimes. I want to heal and I wonder will the pain, the pictures in my head and feeling of inadequacy ever go away? Can you ever trust again?
I sure appreciate your insight and assistance,
Anonymous z
I haven’t been in your shoes, so this advice comes from other comments. I encourage you to seek God, His love, His grace, and his strength. I also encourage you to ask Him to give you the ability to forgive your husband and to partner with him to overcome this difficult time in your marriage. Your marriage can not only survive, but thrive as God brings healing to your relationship with your husband.
I have read many comments regarding porn on several articles. My heart grieves for the families that are dealing with the tremendous impact of it. I am grateful that I grew up before the advent of the Internet. I work in a career that requires occasional work out of town and talk to my wife about the boundaries I set to avoid the temptation of adultery, which as far as I am concerned (and as far as God is concerned) includes porn. Although I am definitely visual, I simply don’t know why I would want a counterfeit of what I can have in my marriage. However, this is a very real issue and it makes me concerned for my children, especially my adult children who are being fed the message that porn is OK. I am particularly concerned that there are some who don’t understand that porn is as so damaging, including those in the church. This is typically men, but not always. I also believe too many have accepted soft porn as OK. The Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue or other such material does not belong in our homes. It damages our view of women and rejects the reality that God made our wives as precious and irreplaceable.
I encourage those who find porn on their husband’s computers, phones, etc. to first pray for God’s grace in how you approach the situation. Take time, even if it is just a few minutes, to go before God and ask Him to prepare your heart and your husband’s heart for a necessary conversation. God must be invited to this discussion.
Second, please do not ignore it. God has made you to be your husband’s helper and your help is critical if he is to be the man God intends him to be. I hold my wife accountable and she does the same for me. This means that if I have chosen a movie to watch that is overly sexual, even though there is no porn, she has every tight and my permission to ask to watch something more appropriate. You can be your husband’s greatest ally if you confront him, gently but firmly.
Finally, trust God. I will fail my wife at times. She will fail me. While I am thankful we have not had the issue of porn, I am not so arrogant to think we are flawless or unable to fall. I am, however, confident that God will sustain us through whatever comes our way. It may be painful. It may not even be our fault or under our control. But He is able to put back any broken pieces. Trust Him more than your husband and place your husband in His hands through prayer and Godly counsel.
I have prayed for several women who have commented here, asking God to give you grace, wisdom, and healing in your marriage. My heart truly goes our to you.
Porn addiction really has a way of bring out the worse in people. My husband’s porn addiction is interfering with out sex life greatly. What sucks is that I didn’t know he had an addiction until after we married two years ago. Please pray that we get through this. I’m staying strong from God’s strength in me thus far. Sometimes I wish I never got married so early. But, I love him and I love my Savior more.
i have been married for 30 yrs and over the last 2 months i have found stupid porn on his phone..and he seems to lie over little questions i would ask,to see if he would lie even know i know the truth, then when i bring it to light he said you asked me and i really was not paying attention to you and so i said it and didn’t mean too..and then back pedal which has happened alot.so with this stupid porn stuff i don’t know if he would own up to it before i can get to his phone he would have erased it and then what do i say then? i cant even think how i would feel if he lies to my face about the stupid porn,because we haven’t had this issue, we are both each others firsts..I don’t know if this is a fluke for him or just curious i mean we have been married for a long 30 yrs..we serve God every Sunday and meetings with home groups also, so i feel hurt but then again i don’t know when to make a big deal about it.. sometimes my thoughts go too he could have a underlining medical problem, and of course he is a man who doesn’t go to the Doc..or do i just let him have it…