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Reader Question: I found porn on my husband's phone!What do you do if you find out that your husband uses porn?

One of the most recent questions I get from readers is about husbands using porn. Here’s a question that recently came through:

I have recently discovered that my husband looks at pornographic websites on his phone. He doesn’t know that I know. This happens daily 🙁 He recently went on a business trip and his bank statements shows that he visited a stripclub. I am heartbroken and don’t know how to deal with this. I have prayed about it and pray for his protection daily.

As I’m writing this I’m getting ready to go away on vacation and I’m scheduling posts to go up while I’m gone, and I thought that, since I’ve written so much on porn and marriage, I would answer this question by linking to a bunch of posts that I think will help.

So here goes!

What to do when you discover porn on your husband's phone--or your husband's computer. Because porn is not harmless, and it will hurt your marriage.

Praying is Wonderful–but sometimes God wants you to do more than just pray. Sometimes God wants you to pray SO THAT you are fortified to do what is right:

51ARlATfBaL. SL160  - Reader Question: I Just Found Porn on My Husband's Phone. Now What?On the War Room & the Purpose of Prayer

And ALL of my book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage talks about this. One of my central premises is that too often we think it’s more “Christian” to “leave things at the foot of the cross” than it is to do the hard work of making real peace (rather than just keeping peace!) God wants us to stand up for what’s right.

When you discover your husband watching porn, you will have to confront him.

4 Things You Must Do if Your Husband Watches Porn

That’s because you’re called to be his wife, not his enabler. You are the person that God appointed to be a helper to your husband–and you’re not helping him if you’re covering up sin and letting it fester. That doesn’t mean that you should confront him without first praying about it, getting counsel, and getting some people to help you. You don’t just go off the handle right away. But you need to move towards getting support so that you can say, “this stops now.”

Be a Spouse, Not an Enabler

Dealing with Your Husband’s Porn Addiction

Internet Controls for Your Computer

“It’s even harder because my husband is in ministry.”

If your husband is a pastor or a missionary, then what do you do? If you confront him and cause a scene, he may lose his ministry–and your livelihood. Some thoughts on that, too.

When Your Husband is in Ministry–and He Uses Porn

“It’s just porn, though. Everybody uses it. Shouldn’t I just get over it?”

That’s what society is telling us. But society is wrong, and increasingly the secular world is realizing it too. Here’s what porn actually does to people. It’s the leading cause of libido loss and sexual dysfunction in men. It causes selfishness and loss of intimacy. It causes men to be lousy lovers. And so much more! Read this with your husband and talk about it:

What Porn Does to Your Brain

“But shouldn’t I just forgive him and move on? “

Sometimes, if we forgive too early, we actually prevent the hard work that God wants to do in your husband’s life. Here’s what forgiveness and reconciliation should actually look like:

How Do I Forgive My Husband?

So there you go! I hope that helps. And to the many readers who write in with this problem, I pray for you everyday. I know how hard this is. And I pray that you all get the help and support you need!

And thank you to Cheri Gregory who has graciously agreed to keep the comments section active while I’m away (and she has a guest post coming up this week, too!). Be sure to stop by her website and check her out, too. She’s got great stuff on HSPs (Highly Sensitive People!) And let’s talk in the comments!

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