I hold both of these truths to be self-evident: sometimes women can be verbally and emotionally abused without other people understanding the extent of it, and need to get out of that marriage; and sometimes women claim that they are verbally and emotionally abused when they simply want to leave the marriage.
I have been quite passionate about the first group of women on this blog this year, writing about what submission really means; how to deal with a controlling husband; how we should never make women powerless in the name of God.
But today I am angry about the second group.
I know I’m just back from family vacation, but I thought I’d jump back into it with a bang today and write about something serious–namely women who may have divorced for the wrong reason.
In my personal circles, I know four women who would fall in the first category of having endured verbal and emotional abuse and had to get out of their marriage; and I know four women in the second category who told everyone that their husbands were abusive when all evidence pointed to the contrary, and then left the marriage and pretty much immediately started another relationship.
My heart goes out to the women in the first category. But even more, today, my heart is currently breaking for the children of the women in the second category.
I am thinking of two particular kids right now. These were the most amazing kids I had ever known when they were preteens. They were kind, generous, loved God, had plans for their lives, were hard workers–everything you would want. They impressed the socks off of me.
Then their moms up and left their dads, and their whole world fell apart. And I have watched them slide into alcoholism as teens, and drop out of school, and become so lost.
Research has consistently shown that children do better when parents stay married, even if that marriage is unhappy, than if parents get divorced, UNLESS there is also abuse involved. In that case, the children do better after the divorce.
I have watched moms ruin their kids’ lives, and I am watching another mom do it right this very minute.
And so I would like to start a two part series today to challenge us to see the difference between abusive situations and simply bad marriages. And, especially, I’d like to speak to the women in the second category, many of whom believe that they were justified in leaving, because they have justified it to themselves.
I’m going to compare and contrast the two types of divorces today, and then tomorrow I’m going to offer a radical suggestion to those who believe that they may be in the second camp–that they divorced prematurely, and that their current relationship (or marriage) may not actually be right.
So let’s start and look at the difference between truly abusive marriages and marriages that may not be happy, but that women are trying to justify leaving.
Difference #1: In abusive situations, divorce is often not a huge shock to the kids. In non-abusive situations, it rocks everyone.
Usually when verbal or emotional abuse is present in a relationship, the wife has been trying to hold it together for years. But there have been cracks. The kids have been scared. Everybody has walked on eggshells. The kids’ relationship with their dad has not been close, even if they have had times when everybody is laughing or enjoying themselves (especially on vacations).
They may have spent some time away from home, with aunts or uncles, while Mom “thought about things”, off and on, for years.
While divorce is always a huge change, it isn’t always unexpected.
On the other hand, where there really is no abuse but simply a strained relationship, the kids may know that Dad and Mom aren’t happy, but that’s not the same as feeling unsafe. Divorce often comes straight out of left field.
Let me reiterate this especially, because ALL of the women who claimed emotional abuse where the relationship was simply a bad marriage would see themselves in the first category. The difference is your kids’ perception of their own physical and emotional safety. Just because you felt like your husband was mean to you or that he didn’t understand you does not mean that your kids did not feel safe. Just because your husband may have yelled at you (and you may have yelled back) does not mean that your children felt that their security was threatened.
There is a huge difference between not getting along with someone and having your kids have to walk on eggshells so as not to set them off. And here’s a hint: if your kids really were unsafe, then you would not trust those same kids to live with their dad now (in the one case I’m thinking of in particular, she is leaving because of “emotional abuse” but she is also giving him main custody).
Difference #2: In abusive situations, the primary caregiver doesn’t change. In non-abusive situations it often does.
In most marriages, Mom is the main source of emotional support for the kids, especially if Dad is gone a lot for work and Mom stays at home, or if there’s a lot of tension in the marriage. Whether the marriage is abusive or not, kids often feel closest to Mom and spend the most time with Mom.
But once the divorce happens, the trajectory looks very different between the two types of divorces.
In abusive situations, Dad often doesn’t see the kids very much after the divorce. Either this is because of a court order, or, more likely, because he doesn’t really want to. Also, older kids often refuse to see him.
In non-abusive situations, on the other hand, Dad is usually totally taken by surprise by the divorce, and desperately wants to keep his family. Courts will usually award him joint custody. The kids have to get used to not always being with their mom. In fact, now Mom has a life outside of the kids that they know nothing about, and they have lives away from Mom that she knows nothing about. No longer is Mom the one person that can be the main emotional support, because she no longer is there for all the emotions. Siblings start to lean on each other rather than parents.
And Mom is often so excited by her new freedom (and often her new relationship) that she becomes a totally different person. She is pursuing her own happiness and contentment away from the kids, where her primary identity, before the divorce, would likely have been her children. This really is a shock to their emotional system.
Difference #3: In most abusive situations during a divorce, Mom’s main focus is the kids. In most non-abusive situations during a divorce, Mom’s main focus is her own happiness.
'Be honest with yourself: If you're divorcing, is it for the kids or is it for your own happiness?'Click To TweetThe reason that Mom in an abusive marriage stayed for years was likely the kids. She was so worried about what would happen if she left. How would they handle finances? Would the kids be safer away from Dad?
She’s torn about leaving, and feels guilty.
Therefore, her main concern after the divorce is to make sure her kids are okay. She’ll encourage them to talk about their feelings. She’ll often set up counselling for them where appropriate. She’ll encourage them to spend time with trusted aunts or uncles to have safe people to vent to. She will try to do special things with them, and try to keep routines the same. She will spend most of her emotional energy in creating a new, safe life for her children while also working on her own emotional issues (often with counsellors). She isn’t interested in a romantic relationship with anyone else right now; she just wants everyone to get healthy.
On the other hand, every single one of the women from non-abusive relationships dismissed the kids’ concerns to me. “They’ll be fine,” they’d say. “Kids are resilient.” When the kids start going downhill or acting out, they have no insight that it could be because of what they’ve done. They’ll blame it on dad: “He’s being just like his father,” or “he learned that at his Dad’s house.”
She is often unwilling to talk to the kids about their emotions around the divorce because she feels guilty about it. And so she pretends that everything is fine, and gives the kids the impression that this is what they should believe, too. And so they now cannot talk to their mom about the most important thing in their lives, and thus they lose the most important relationship they’ve ever had.
When she gets a boyfriend (or even a new husband), she expects the kids to embrace him without question. She wants them to be excited about it, and rarely invites honest conversations about it.
In abusive situations or other sorts of divorces that were justified (like repeated infidelity, for instance), when I have seen moms get into new relationships, they have done so slowly. The kids were a big part of the relationship from the start, because the kids and the mom were still a unit. I even knew one couple that was together for six years before they married (and stayed totally celibate during that time) because they didn’t want to force the kids to combine two families. The adults’ main concern was for the children’s well-being, not their own happiness.
What if I’ve really messed up?
Tomorrow I want to talk about what I would advise women who have left non-abusive marriages to do now. If you weren’t justified in divorcing, then what is the next move? Especially if you’re not remarried? What I’m going to say may be radical to some, but I hope that you will all listen.
Next in the Series: To the Woman Who Divorced for the Wrong Reasons: Now What?
Please note: NONE of what I said here was meant to denigrate women in abusive marriages. In fact, I believe totally the opposite: abuse is real, and the more that women claim abuse when it really isn’t abuse the more we make it more difficult for those in truly toxic marriages to deal with them appropriately (because we call every instance of disagreement or personality clashes abuse). I am very passionate about the fact that in many Christian circles women in abusive marriages are not given the resources they need. At the same time, though, I am watching too many marriages around me disintegrate because the women have justified it to themselves, and I just thought that side needed to be addressed too.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Thanks for addressing this. As a child of divorce, it drives me nuts when I hear divorcing parents talk about how it’s really better for their kids to see them happy and how they are better role models when they pursue their own lives. Hogwash!
I really appreciated your book recommendation a few years ago…ugh what was that called?! The one about how divorce really affects kids. I think it should be mandatory reading for every person who is contemplating divorce.
Between two worlds by Elizabeth Marquardt. Just looked it up on my Goodreads page. 🙂
Another one that should be mandantory reading before divorce is “The Unexpected Legacy Of Divorce. A 25 year study” The fallout for the kids manifests throughout their lives, not just when they are kids.
I’ve heard about that study. So, so interesting. I’ll definitely be looking it up!
Yep! Love that book. So good.
Brilliant. Thank you.
You know that I fall into the second group. And the consequences of that decision has had far reaching implications.
It was my mom that divorced. Because she claimed abuse, but was just insatiable in her need for fufillment. Not me – just re-read my comment and realised it kinda referred more to me than to my mom.
Yes, I thought of your story when I wrote this! (Though I’m primarily thinking about another woman I know who did the same thing as your mom–complete with the whole dynamics of a daughter, too.)
My mom will never know the damage done because I can’t talk to her about it. Your comment on the loss of mother/child relationship is spot on. “And so they now cannot talk to their mom about the most important thing in their lives, and thus they lose the most important relationship they’ve ever had. When she gets a boyfriend (or even a new husband), she expects the kids to embrace him without question. She wants them to be excited about it, and rarely invites honest conversations about it.” Even more spot on is the comment about her new husband. There is just this assumption that we will take him in and accept him. There is no discussion on it, but I can’t stand him – for whatever reason, he really does make my skin crawl. And once again, I can’t talk to her about it. I lost the friendship side with my mother through all this, and our relationship has never been – nor do I think it ever will be – the same again. This has brought tears to my eyes – in a good, healing way, because I’ve realised that I am actually quite normal and the things I am going through are normal given my background. There is healing to be found in Jesus and I am searching for it with my whole heart.
Oh, I’m so glad that I could be part of your healing process, even in a small way! And I do mourn for you the loss of your mom. I lost my dad in such a fundamental way, and now he has Alzheimer’s and I’ll never really know him. And I’ve found that it really is okay. But it’s still so, so wrong, isn’t it?
Sheila,
Thank you again for a thought provoking article. I will admit, as a man, a husband and a father to five wonderful young gifts, I read your articles to take in a viewpoint different from my own. I have also found that much of what you write about, can apply to both men and women. I am a full time stay at home dad, and have been since our first child was born. So much of what I have heard and read (elsewhere and in the past) often placed a critical eye towards men, as men. For myself, my experience seems to be that many of those complaints are based on roles. As the stay at home parent, I can se the field is ripe for those same complaints about my hard working wife. I mention this, only to open up eyes and hearts that are willing to see and hear another perspective. Maybe, just maybe, if we could really put ourselves in our partners shoes, maybe we might feel a change of heart.
For this article in particular, thank you. My parents divorced when No-fault came to our State. I was very young, and the behaviors of my parents did a number on me and my siblings. I am glad I got out, and found myself. I’ve grown a lot, and have more to go. I’m breaking the cycle as much as I can, and I would encourage mothers and fathers to do everything they can to break the cycle before divorcing. Just my two cents.
I’m so glad you liked the article, Kevin! And one of the things that I’ve been so grateful about in my own life is the ability to break that cycle, too. Way to go as a stay at home dad, too! My husband and I have often said that one of the best periods of our parenting was when the kids were little and for 6 months we each worked halftime so one of us was always home with the kids. It really was a lot of fun for him to take on that role, too!
That is fantastic. I think it makes a big difference to our children, having one of us at home. According to our children, they agree. Good for you two.
I also read the Legacy of Divorce, what a great read. I have to say, sometimes marriage can be soooo hard, especially not having the “normal” template being a healthy one. Thank God there are sooo many resources out there today to help rewrite that unconscious normal template.
BTW, My hat is off to the counts moms and wives who have and do stay at home caring for the home and children. There are days where I really feel my time jungle being shot at was sooo much easier.
I’d be interested in ways to know the difference if the couple doesn’t have any kids!
Interesting question! I’d have to think about it. I guess I just feel like the way you treat your kids in the ordeal shows a lot about the heart. I think when we’re seeking to follow God and act in a Christlike way–even if we’re ending a toxic marriage–that attitude will be evident regardless. But when we’re acting out in anger or trying to seek our own good rather than God’s best, then that will be clear, too, wouldn’t it? Thought provoking question, though! I think the thing for me that is so important, and that Leslie Vernick says so well, is that even if your spouse acts wrong, that doesn’t give you permission to act wrong. We need to always seek to act right in what we do, and to do so with integrity and love (even if, as I said, love leads you to enforce consequences for toxic behaviour).
I stayed for 11 years with a male who was a chronic cheater, emotionally, verbally, and physically abusive. He spent time in prison and we really only lived together for 18 months. Thankfully we didn’t have any children and after trying one last time, I decided enough was enough. My divorce was final in June and I am moving on. He said that I was too strong for him and that I acted too much like the man. I responded that since he had never contributed anything to the marriage, what else was I suppose to be. I am focusing on me and pull from that experience and time in my life as a learning tool on what I do and do not want in a relationship or marriage. Thank you, I really enjoyed the article.
Oh, Vinessa, I’m so sorry that you had to go through that! How awful. I think it’s great that you can really examine yourself and take it as a learning tool for you. That must be really humbling actually, but also totally the wise thing to do. I pray that God will open up a lot of doors of joy to your life right now!
So, what about if it’s not abuse but extreme negligence? That HAS been addressed (numerous times) in therapy and at home in between counselors? Stay and die inside while smiling for the kids? Unfortunately too much outside support in this situation will just lead to an emotional affair anyway, don’t you think? Even if only one sided.
Hi Angie! So, so tough. I’m afraid I can’t comment on that one–I think that’s where you really need to pray hard and seek God’s voice and seek GOOD counsel from people who know both sides of the situation. Every marriage really is different, and I think God does want to help us even in those difficulties. Just let the frustration make you run even more to Jesus, and keep banging on the door in prayer. Even consider fasting for a time. I’ve done that when really difficult decisions are coming, and I do find that it does help to hear God’s voice.
Unfortunately I can’t fast, I’m hypoglycemic and can’t risk passing out with the baby around. I also don’t KNOW Jesus, I’m just trying to do right by my family. But I DO have needs, I AM human! I love my husband. Probably too much. I’m getting better with myself… Started painting again, lost a little weight, and we are going to put baby girl in daycare 2 days a week for a half a day each. Which I know some of these girls on here are going to mommy shame me for. But I desperately need a break.
A friend I knew was facing a neglectful marriage and she left him, and took the kids and stayed with her Mom for a short time. She told him, she ultimately wanted to reconcile, but she needed him to put a priority on their family.
It served as a wake-up call for him, and was able to reconcile their marriage, but it took time.
I’m hypoglycemic too, and I can’t fast from food, but the idea behind fasting is to take the time you would have spent eating praying, so the way I handle it is to fast from another activity (Facebook is a great one), and spend the time I would have spent on Facebook praying.
Thanks for that tidbit! I guess I’ve always been too afraid that he won’t pursue me if I do leave.
Great idea about fasting, Ticia! And I totally agree that sometimes a wake up call is just what is needed.
Angie, my heart goes out to you! Knowing nothing other than what you’ve commented about your situation, I can tell you that it is possible to come ‘back from the brink’ of divorce…I am proof! It is possible to turn it around (in most situations).
You say in your comment that you don’t know Jesus, and, I know this might rub you the wrong way (I know it would’ve rubbed me the wrong way before I became a Christian – November last year), but I would seriously suggest that you start reading the bible, especially the New Testament, and learn about Jesus. I know that sounds all preachy and stuff, and I feel kind of silly writing it, but He has helped me so much!
I would start with the Gospel of Luke (it’s my favourite because Luke speaks from an outsiders perspective, and has some interesting examples of Jesus helping people who weren’t already following God). I would also suggest an easy to read bible translation such as ESV or NIV, I was amazed how ‘into’ the stories I got when they were written in a language I could understand!
Sorry for the long winded, bumbling reply, Angie, but I just feel so much for you, and pray that you will find joy again soon!
So, the wife should hang in there “for the kids,” fast, pray, deny herself and her basic human needs as her self-confidence, health and well being curdle from neglect, right? What does the husband have to do?
Meanwhile the innocent children learn what from this exactly? That Daddy never touches Mommy and that’s ok as long as they Stay Married? This cannot be your response, I must have missed something…
No, I wouldn’t say that at all. In fact, if you look at my blog, I have literally thousands of posts here on how to make a marriage better. Sometimes the way you do that is by setting boundaries, by saying, “no more of this”, by working on finding joy yourself, by all kinds of things! Every marriage is different. But the vast majority of unhappy marriages can be saved by an attitude shift and by doing little things differently. When there’s abuse it’s a different story, but when it’s just that the couple isn’t connecting, there are really things that most people can do. I think you’re setting up a false dichotomy: be miserable by staying or else leaving. What about trying a third option: figuring out a way to find joy in the midst of where I am right now?
I’ve been following for years, and I want to thank you for your blog Sheila. I know that you bless many lives I know. What would you recommend for somebody who is between the two groups. We all walk on eggshells around my husband at times (multiple times a week if not daily). I am not allowed to take the children to my family, except for twice a year with him (he will file parental abduction charges if I take them alone, which I’m not sure how would work since we are married and the kids are both of our biological children). Either way, I don’t want to make waves and take them without his consent. My family is allowed to visit us though. He verbally abuses me, and he finds his comments justified. But he blows a gasket when the kids use his words for me back on him. And it is undermining his authority when I tell the kids that those words aren’t ok (because typically he’s just used them and I’m telling them something he did was wrong) He has informed our insurance company that he does not authorize payment/reimbursement for counseling, and I am not sure that I should unload these concerns to this extent to family. While I have been afraid that he is too rough with the kids, yelling at them, calling them names, smacking them on the back of the head; I don’t honestly think in my heart he would seriously hurt them. He is also very good with them. He is an excellent teacher. He loves to take them on one-on-one trips camping or fishing (and I mostly trust him, although there is some reserve if I should) He wants to provide the best education and upbringing he can, so he works very hard as I think he equates earning money to loving them. But he definitely balances being home to spend time with them. There are times that the kids are shrunk back in fear of him yelling and smacking them. He has backed me in corners yelling, but never laid a hand on me. But I think his words can hurt more. I honestly feel convicted that the answer is to pray about it. But I’ve been praying for years now, and I have no further conviction on what the right course of action is. I don’t believe in divorce, but I don’t want my boys growing up in this type of environment. It’s not healthy. I also want them to know it’s not okay to treat a woman/wife like this without undermining my husband. Any suggestions?
Dawn – As a man, if you look at what is going on from an outside perspective and it is true that your husband is verbally abusive to your kids and is hitting them, then I think you need to take the following steps:
1. Go see a lawyer ASAP to determine how to protect yourself and your family.
2. I believe you need to file for divorce, your lawyer can help you. This protects the assets that you and your husband have accumulated together. Just because you file doesn’t mean you have to get divorced.
3. Start seeing a therapist for yourself
4. Get your kids in therapy ASAP. Verbal / physical abuse from a parent can leave terrible scars on kids.
I think what Shelia is saying in her article is don’t get divorced because you are having an exciting “affair” with some-one else. This certainly sounds like an abusive relationship to me and you need to protect yourself, and your kids, from this abuse man.
Yes, Jim, exactly. And if your husband is hitting you or the kids, the first step may not even be a lawyer but instead a shelter, or a friend that you can live with for a time. That really is dangerous.
Jim,
Thank you for your advice and taking the time to respond. I said that I have been praying for years and haven’t felt led either way. But I realized in praying over your response that divorce wasn’t an option in my mind, because it’s been ingrained since I was little that once married, you don’t divorce. I also realize that the outcome that I’ve prayed for isn’t on the table. He isn’t changing no matter what I pray or do. His change isn’t an option. And I don’t want my kids to grow up in this type of environment, so I need to do something. Once I gave to the Lord that “ok, if divorce is what is required, than help me through this”…I actually had a peace that I haven’t felt before. (I don’t know that divorce is where this will head, but I need to pray about that as an option). It seems backwards that the concept of divorce would give me peace, but maybe it’s because I didn’t leave that solution in God’s hands, because I really do have a negative stigma of those divorced. Next I prayed about a lawyer, as that would help me know (legally) what my options are. I’m not sure I’d leave if we would get joint custody, because it doesn’t solve the issues. I know if I filed and left, my husband would probably be fine, if not happy. But if I leave, there is no way I’d leave the kids, they are the reason to leave. In contemplating that, I realized that I don’t know what his reaction would be if I left with the kids, and my thoughts of what he might do scared me. So if it came to that, all of us would need to be at a friends at the very least. I would have said that type of situation (ie seeking shelter) would’t apply to me because I’m too smart to be involved with somebody who would do that. Again, my thinking might be flawed if my first instinct is to be scared about filing divorce paperwork. I still don’t have the final answer. But through my prayer over your word, I thought of a woman from our kids Christian school that has been through something similar (and is divorced and happily remarried). It might be an uncomfortable conversation to start, but I think that she could offer some help or maybe somebody more qualified to talk to. I wish that this was more black and white and I had a clear answer. Hopefully talking to my acquaintance or possibly a deacon at church can help with more direction as I can share more details.
Can I just speak to the lady that truly is in an abusive relationship and is concerned about leaving and how it’s going to affect the kids? My dad was abusive to my mom and to us kids as well. She is still with my dad today. I have begged her to leave and she has just gotten too comfortable in that abusive relationship. Starting all over at an older age just doesn’t appeal to her.
But as a child I used to plead with God to not allow my father to come home for work each day. If you are in an abusive relationship your kids are already miserable. YOU are the only one who can make their world a safe place to be. Don’t use your kids as an excuse to stay so that you don’t have to figure out how to make things work if you do leave.
Don’t take the decision to leave lightly, but if you need to leave. LEAVE, YOUR KIDS WILL THANK YOU FOR IT ONE DAY!
Great, wise words, Stephanie!
This reminds me of a couple I knew growing up. They are friends of my parents, and their son is my brother’s friend. Anyway, they had a ton of problems. I’ve never heard specifics, but they would separate, come together, separate again, come together again. But they never divorced. They were never interested in pursuing other relationships either. Finally after 20 years of this, they figured out what they had been doing wrong all those years. It was such an incredible testimony to hear them talk after that. It’s been almost 10 years since that time, and I haven’t heard of them separating again!
Too bad they wasted 20 years of their lives. I’ve wasted 9 of mine and can’t fathom wasting another 9, much less 29.
Natalie, that is awesome. I think there are too many, both men and women, who fail to look at what scripture has to say about divorce. Marriage is hard work and will test each of us at times. However, scripture tells us that divorce is allowable in the case of adultery but doesn’t mention any other situation. In fact, Jesus didn’t even say it was preferred but allowed due to hard hearts. In cases of abuse, one absolutely must seek shelter and the abuser must get help. Outside help is necessary to ensure the abuser has changed. Trust will take a long time to rebuild, but it can happen. I believe the church leadership needs to be actively involved as well, as it is a spiritual issue in the heart of the abuser. I have been at one church where church membership was revoked because the abuser would not repent and seek help. It was heartbreaking. I could never treat my wife in such a manner, and honestly don’t understand how anyone could.
I think this is very wrong!! As a woman who left an abusive relationship, I completely disagree with what is purely your opinion. The abuse I suffered was mental and emotional. I agreed on joint custody to try to keep the children in their fathers life and allow them to grow, mature, and come to their own opinions of their father. He likes to put in the ” I’m a great father hat” around people, just like he was the perfect husband, no one understood my leaving, and our “friends” bought into his pity party. Now, my children are successful, they come to me when they need something, and only see dad 1) because they “have to” and 2) because of the abusive words and actions they’d suffer if they did not see him. I see the day coming that he’ll have no relationship with them because they do not want to, not because I left, not because I remarried, and certainly not because I thought of just myself.
Dana, I’m so sorry that you didn’t like the article, but then you’re a classic group 1 person–someone who left a relationship because you DIDN’T think of yourself. You’re really not the one I’m speaking to. And I pray that your kids will e able to handle the back and forth and all the chaos and manipulation, and will become even stronger for it. And I pray that your relationship with them will be even better!
I agree it’s hard on kids when their parents divorce. It’s hard to grow up in a abusive home. I have not only seen my husband hold a gun to his own head but I saw him aim at me twice. He has threatened to run me over. He has called me ugly. He has told me that the pussy between my legs ain’t worth what it cost him. I have stayed because I didn’t want to have to share custody of my children with him. I also did everything I could to keep them from seeing it . I waited until they had grown. I tried to have a exit affair. That was my sin I tried to take the easy way out. My adult children were shocked. I still have one daughter that won’t speak to me 2 years later. Even though I am still with him. I bought into the i’m so sorry I’ll change line. That being scared of financially not been able to take care myself. Funny that is also why I had the affair. He has been better but I don’t trust him and he don’t trust me . I’m slowly working on an exit plan right now but does not involve another man if I never have a man in my life again it will be too soon .
Oh, Kathy, if your husband is holding a gun to your head–please, please, please get some help! I’m so sorry. I understand the issue of sharing custody and letting him have the kids without you. That is so, so scary. I’d recommend starting to record some of his outbursts if you can (unless you feel too much in danger, and then please, just get out!). But if you have proof of how dangerous he is, then that can go a long way towards getting no visitation or at least supervised visitation. And please get a good support system, because it sounds like you need it!
I love your blog, but I disagree with this post. You can’t generalize how some women respond and use that as a marker for whether or not a marriage is abusive. I believe I’m living in emotional abuse, and your article did not describe me at all.
Not to be snarky, but would anyone else in your situation see it as abusive? Do your kids see this treatment as a problem?
If your kids would be stunned and hurt in a divorce, if they feel safe and protected in their current home, and your first thought is that you need to be happy and your kids will be fine … yeah, that’s a problem. It really is, because family is not all about you. Life is not all about you, and sometimes life is unfair and you deserve happiness that you don’t get. But you still cannot sin.
I think we need to draw a line between “abuse” and “unhappiness.” I get how damaging long term unhappiness can be – but that is not a justification for inflicting unhappiness or (worse) damage on other people or on your own soul.
I have no idea what your personal situation is, so I am speaking generally. But if you “believe” you’re in emotional abuse, but you really just mean unhappiness, give it to God and commit to doing the right thing anyway.
Very well put, Sunny-Dee. Thank you. Great to see you here again, by the way!
Hi! {{waves back}} Glad you had a great vacation!
The danger in this generalization of yours is that some women might read this and think oh maybe I was wrong, maybe my husband isn’t abusive after all, because the non-abused wife in Sheila’s article fits my behavior and thoughts. Am I making sense? I’m having a hard time putting into words what I’m trying to say. Anyway, love your blog and the Kingdom work you do, I just think this post needs to be taken with a grain of salt.
This was a very interesting read. My aunt was married to a textbook covert narcissist with borderline personality disorder. The emotional abuse and torment he put her through for 20 years was devastating. He left her a couple of years ago and your description of the women in group 1 (the truly abused) fits her to a T.
I’m so glad! I really do feel so much for the women in group 1, and I really didn’t want the article to come off as harsh towards them at all, so I’m glad it didn’t!
This article must’ve been quite hard to write, Sheila, I take my hat off to you for attempting it! I think you have made some great points on a very difficult issue! I do think that there is less black and white and more shade of grey in this issue. I also think that there is a possibility that type #2 wives might have depression (of varying degrees), and it might be worth going to the doctors if you are struggling to find the joy in everyday life and seeing if there is another reason. Knowing why you are feeling a certain way can be a massive help!
Hi Sheila,
I just wanted to say thanks for writing this blog! I realize it was written for women leaving their marriage, but in my case it was my husband who left. My husband and I attended the Family Life marriage retreat in March of this year and I enjoyed your teaching and personal stories. Unfortunately, I discovered my husband was having an affair the end of April and after 21 years of marriage, he has left me and our teen sons claiming that he was emotionally and financially abused, and is now with the other woman, who is 22 years old.
After reading this blog, I am completely convinced that he fits the 2nd category of people in that he is justifying leaving the marriage by stating that he was abused, which I can say he was not.
When I discovered the affair and he decided to leave us for the other woman, this rocked our world. It has only been three months so this is still quite fresh, but he feels completely justified in his actions and blames me for his choices. His main focus since leaving is his happiness and his new relationship. He has reached out to the boys a couple of times over the past 3 months, but it’s obvious that he is more concerned about his new relationship and his happiness. Our boys have seen what has happened and don’t want anything to do with their father right now.
This article confirmed for me what I already thought and that is that my husband has justified cheating and leaving by claiming that the relationship was abusive. Thank-you for writing this as I continue to pray for peace, wisdom, and guidance and trust God with my future.
Melanie
Oh, Melanie, I’m so sorry! That’s so tragic for you and your sons. I hope and pray that you have lots of support around you to get you through this. And I’m glad that your sons are seeing the truth, even if it’s a difficult truth.
Your feelings go out to the children of women who bail on a marriage without justification, but I hope you consider the man in the equation as well. Men are indeed hurt terribly by divorce. My wife left me many years ago, but I fought for 2 1/2 years to keep the divorce from going through to give us a chance to reconcile and for God to work. We almost made it, with her dropping divorce proceedings at one point, but finally her will to live as she wanted took over and I could no longer legally delay the action. I am glad that I fought to save the marriage, but the aftermath took me by surprise as I drifted spiritually, and it took a few years to get back on track.
I’m so sorry, Dave! And my heart does go out to the men, too. To be honest, the reason that I stressed the children in the article and not the men is because I think it’s through the children that women are more likely to hear the message. I’m not sure mentioning how much their husbands hurt is going to have much of an impact, to be honest. But understanding how they hurt the kids–this may help many women question their decision, and that is my prayer! I’m glad that you found your way back to faith, but I’m sorry you had to go through this. Truly.
I really enjoy reading this article; appreciate your writing it and we need more lines drawn in the sand on all kinds of subjects like this one, even though it’s offensive to our culture; the Bible discusses divorce clearly.
I have wrestled with “abuse” not being directly addressed in scripture, but from what I understand, it’s a form of abandonment?
My parents divorced when I was in college, mom initiated it, but they had been unhappy in marriage for a long time. I had already gone off and gotten into drugs and was disconnected from the family, so wasn’t surprised by the divorce really. My mom primarily had been unhappy although I know it made my dad miserable too. I always felt safe with my dad and now he is my main source of guidance. My mom seems to focus on herself a lot and has been to the point that I have fallen into having to give her advice and mothering her at times. It’s confusing to try to think about and understand these things when both mom and dad claim they are in the right!
God bless.
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Very interesting and good article. My situation is the reverse being the stay at home Dad and primary care giver since day one of my wife going back to her job. Would I change a second of the time I’ve spent with our 2 children from infancy to our oldest now being in 1st grade and youngest about to enter kindergarten? NO WAY! Loved every minute of it and often felt bad that my wife was missing out on so much but all the while understanding her job dictated her life (even before children). Yet I still managed to keep and run my own business during this whole time being that it is seasonal for the most part and I “juggle” well. Being new parents was well… NEW to both of us but we did just fine except in hindsight (always 20/20 right?) there was issues with my wife that I didn’t really see I guess just from being new to everything: post-par, anxiety, depression, weight loss, etc. I didn’t know what was normal or not, new to the whole experience. The first birth turned into a medical nightmare at the very end that we found out later was “still the #1 cause of death of mother and child” to this day, but we made it out OK by grace of god, great DR’s, etc. Fast forward 7 years and another baby later (I insisted upon 3 DR’s approvals before having 2nd baby for fear of complications again that could have taken her & babies life) and I’m finding myself being divorced for being a “mentally abusive spouse”. There’s always more to the story, right? I’ve been punched in the head while driving the car with our child in the backseat more that one time. Anything from remote controls to cell phones have been thrown at me and I’ve been physically attacked over disagreements over “home improvements”, etc, etc. About 2 years ago I demanded we seek professional help. She agreed and we found a really great marriage counselor who we both agreed was helping. Yet again, her job ruled and she kept missing weekly appointment then just quit going. I have to add here that during all this time I find out she’s been taking antidepressants and anxiety medications. While I thought it was a positive thing, I now find that maybe there are/were more underlying issues I failed to see. Not one to be holding anyone, especially my wife, back I just went along with whatever she wanted to “make her happy”. Things like expensive “possessions”, car, all the way to breast enhancement (her idea, not mine). Yet nothing I do or anything she does for herself really makes a difference and I’m still the “bad guy” who does nothing right and is “mentally abusive” in every way. So here I stand facing divorce with a 4 & 7 yr old, still making dinner every night, still taking and picking up children from school and now I’m up against not only a always angry wife, but a nasty lawyer who has guided her into divorce with all types of false promises at EXTREME costs (lawyer I’ve found out is a convicted felon and did 2 years in prison).
I accept that nobody is ever going to be perfect. I accept marriage will never be perfect. Life always will have twists and turns to it that can’t be predicted. Accept and move forward best you can. Best you can as a family, right? I’ve sought out counseling for myself to try to figure things out better for ALL of us, but mainly me to get a grip on life again. I feel horrible that I have to sneak around to see what medications my wife is taking and unfortunately have found the dosages increased and that not a good sign from what DR’s have said. She’s changed jobs but still it dictates her life less weekends now. But with this change she now wakes our daughter up early and takes her to school thus stripping away what I’ve always done and loved (even during hectic morning rushes). I guess this is good time for her to bond a little better with our daughter, yet it still hurts me but I am glad my wife is getting more time with her.
Basically my thought here is that she’s being cheerleaded into divorce by her parents and a lawyer, BOTH of which see nothing but $ signs. They, wife included, don’t see the long term effects this is going to have on our children OR us. I’ve yet to meet one person that knows us who understands “why” this is happening and this includes a Priest at church. Even the marriage counselor we saw point blank said “there is nothing that can’t be fixed here”. I love my children. I still love my wife. Our life is what many only dream of. I do NOT want to be the “blame hormones or mental issues/medicine” guy EVER. I just want my family and I’ll take the normal everyday problems that come with it. Is that so wrong?
Bill, that is definitely not wrong. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I would say, though, that if the priest isn’t being helpful, maybe you need to find a different counsellor? And make sure you have a good lawyer, too! I think at this point the main thing for you is to keep that relationship with your children really close, and make sure that you have an ongoing relationship with them and major custody. This is just really so sad, but at some point bending over backwards for her may not be in the best interests of your children. They may need you to fight for them. Again, I’m so sorry.
What if you don’t have kids? There are plenty of women out there in categories 1 and 2 who don’t have kids to use as a barometer. It looks like you have very few readers who have no children, so maybe it feels pointless to address…
That’s a great point, Amy! I guess when I approached this I was thinking specifically of a bunch of kids, and how their mothers’ actions impacted them. But I likely should rewrite that!
What an insightful read this is. I’m pausing to ponder & weigh my own circumstances, and pray for more wisdom about the dynamics I live in. I love that you reference Leslie Vernick, another wonderful woman & resource for me.
I found this really insightful! Not just for women who need to check their own motivations internally, but also for people looking in from the outside. If a woman leaves her husband, takes the children with her, has no other man in the picture, and probably also takes a serious hit in income/standard of living, you can bet that she left an abusive marriage. Even if you’re a family friend who is caught between he-said and she-said, the objective facts make a clear statement.
Thank you for addressing this. I have seen someone hide behind the false claim of abuse, and the sweet children have been used as pawns in her legal battles. I lived with abuse, both physical and emotional… your article hits the proverbial nail right square on the head.