My mom’s moving in with us, and yesterday we moved my mom’s furniture to my house, but there’s still a lot of work to be done at her old house. And in all the work I’ve been doing for the last week I seriously threw my back out. So today’s busy–we have to clean out her kitchen and I have an appointment for a massage or I won’t be able to walk.
I don’t have time to write a post where I’ve done a lot of thinking and made a ton of graphics, etc.
So I’d like to just rant for a few minutes, if that’s okay.
Unfiltered. Unedited. Just me mad. Here goes.
Imagine a child, just over a year old, who is taken into the foster care system along with older siblings.
The biological family has already had several children removed and adopted out. Now the next set is in care.
The baby is severely traumatized. She doesn’t cry or anything. She buries her head into your chest and won’t look at anyone.
She isn’t placed with the older siblings, because the older ones have major behavioural issues and are placed on their own in other homes.
Within a week the baby is crying. She is smiling. She is interacting. Within a month she is happy. She’s actually a lovely, lovely baby. Nothing wrong with her at all. Cute as a button.
She does have six or seven visits a week mandated by Children’s Aid, with mother and father and grandparents and whoever else, all separate, so the foster parents spend their lives chauffeuring the child to visits. Oh, and the older siblings, who are already behind in school, have to go to all these visits, too, even though they’re during school hours. So they fall even further behind.
The mother is a drug addict who has a habit of hooking up with child abusers.
Children’s Aid tries for a year to reunite the children with the mother, but then decides they’re better off adopting the kids out.
They go to court. Court takes forever. Finally, almost two years after the child came into care, she is officially available for adoption.
She is over three years old.
Over the next year Children’s Aid tries to find permanent parents for this child. The problem? They’ve decided to adopt her out with her older siblings, who have those major behavioural problems. The child has been in the same foster home now for almost three years. The older siblings have been moved around because no one can handle them.
If this little girl had been put up for adoption on her own, she’d be snatched up in a heartbeat. But she’s part of a “package”. You can’t take one without the others.
No one is willing to adopt these older siblings, and so she languishes.
Meanwhile, Children’s Aid demands that all the siblings get together frequently on visits. Every time she is with her older siblings she regresses and has terrible behaviours–likely because the older siblings trigger an emotional reaction in her that reminds her of her biological home. There is no bond, but Children’s Aid wants to create one so that they can be adopted out.
The foster parents are told to prepare her for adoption, so they talk up the fact that soon she will have a “forever mommy and daddy”! But this little child has now been in this house for over three years. This is all she has ever known. She is completely and totally bonded. So she starts acting out because she’s panicking. Why does she have to leave? Why can’t she stay?
“You’ve the best mommy ever. I only want you,” she says, everyday, to her foster mother.
The foster parents simply cannot adopt her.
They just can’t. First, they can’t take the older siblings. But for other reasons it absolutely wouldn’t work. They love her, but they aren’t the home for her.
And I’m watching this situation, and I’m thinking, “I am a taxpayer in Ontario. And because of that, I am the one who is doing this to this little girl. She is being put through this because of our government and our laws. I am responsible.”
And I weep.
Because, if common sense were involved, the courts would have said, “Mom has already lost other kids to adoption. Let’s expedite this matter and get it figured out in two months.”
Then they would have said, “Okay, let’s put her up for adoption by herself, because she isn’t bonded to the others and she has a chance. She’s just a baby. And she’s adorable.”
And by 18 months old she could have had a forever home, instead of waiting for three more years.
She’s been in this foster family for 75% of her life. She’s traumatized all over again. When she does finally move, the trauma will be worse than if her parents died suddenly in a car accident, because she’s going to lose everything she’s ever known and everything she’s bonded to, but she’s going to know that it’s because they didn’t want her (and they honestly can’t take her. It’s the right decision. I can’t explain why because of privacy reasons, but trust me on this one).
Why does this happen? Why can’t the system just put kids up for adoption sooner? And why do they have to put siblings together? They say that it’s because siblings need each other, but these kids aren’t bonded. And if an adoption falls apart (which so many do), the kids are basically unadoptable and are in care their whole life.
Adoptions fall apart because the system doesn’t move fast enough.
Those older siblings with behavioural problems? They were in care as babies, too, but they were sent back home. If they had been put up for adoption as babies, none of this would be happening.
This little girl could have been adopted out at 18 months old. She could have been in a forever family while she was still a baby. But she wasn’t. The mom was given a year. The court case then took a year. And the adoption process is taking longer than a year, with no family in sight. And now she gets older and older and more and more bonded and more and more traumatized and it’s just a mess.
This is our fault, citizens of Ontario. And I’m sure in other jurisdictions it’s just about the same.
And the mom in this case? She grew up in foster care, too.
And if SHE had been adopted out as a baby, the first time SHE was apprehended, this wouldn’t have happened, either.
So many kids are apprehended as babies when they are sweet and lovely and not messed up yet, and then they are sent home. By the time they’re finally up for adoption the behaviour problems are so huge, and often the physical damage is so huge, that it’s just too hard to place them.
And so they get shuffled from home to home and finally to group homes until they end up having babies at 16, too.
Ontario has a law that a kid can only be in care for a year before a permanent plan is made. But no one takes into account how long that permanent plan takes to actually get implemented.
We need to change it. Babies need to be freed up for adoption so much faster.
Because how can you look a little girl in the eye who thinks that you’re her mom and dad and tell her, “one day you’ll be leaving us,” and not have something break inside of you? How can you do that? And why in the world do we think that’s okay?
Thank you for letting me rant. Please say a prayer that a miracle will happen and a family that can handle them all well will appear. In my human eyes, I don’t see how this is possible. But I know that God can do anything, and that God is watching over this little girl. She loves praying! She even prays in church during the children’s time. She always grabs the microphone. She’s adorable. God sees her. Please pray for, too.
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
This happened to me and my brother but luckily, we were eventually able to find a home together. It was a major experience for us. I still miss my foster parents twenty years later because I was with them from nine months old to almost four years old! I love my adoptive parents but it sure was an adjustment.
I’m with you on ranting about the foster care system, but can’t join you in prayers – well, I’m praying, but not what you’re praying!!
Nope, both here (for me, the US) and in the UK the Child Protetion systems are so broken and corrupted that I am happy for the adopting out to drag and drag, because believe it or not, a lot of children are being removed on horribly thin premises. And when the agents involved are shown to have made a mistake (on top of mistake, on top of mistake), there’s zero accountability (when you consider that what they did amounted to harassment and kidnapping), so I don’t want to give them MORE power to hasten the breaking of families! Also, in the US the children/family services even has its own court system and it’s incredibly difficult and EXPENSIVE to maneuver, so the families need time. I direct you to medicalkidnap.com for some more info behind my reasoning, although that’s not the core of my argumentation. As an analogy (again, not the core of my reason, just an analogy), look at the police in the US – they go around shooting and tazing people for terrible reasons, so why would I support legislation that gives them more power, less accountability, and less time for their victims to remunerate?
I await the “But we don’t know both sides of the story…” apologists.
Hi there,
Believe me–in this case it is not a THIN premise at all. They were removed for a very good reason. And the older kids are so messed up. I can’t talk about it here because I’m identifiable in my community, but there were good reasons. In fact, all of the kids who my friend have fostered were all removed for good reasons. We haven’t found a case where it wasn’t a good reason yet, and she does know both sides of the story. One child arrived at her house near death. It’s just really sad. I agree that we shouldn’t be able to remove kids on a flimsy premise, and I actually believe whole heartedly in parents’ rights. But I’ve just seen too many kids who were badly abused by drug addicted parents who allowed their kids to be used by sexual predators knowingly, and something just has to be done in those cases. It really does.
In Ontario the court system is separate from the child protective services, and so the parents are represented. It’s why things take so long. But it’s definitely not in the best interest of the kids!
Hi, I didn’t mean to suggest that the evidence in your friend’s case is thin, only that I can’t support a system that does allow for removal and parental right termination based on thin evidence, which it does in cases. I hope I’m being clear and not pedantic. I don’t want children to be abused, but I don’t see child services system as being an honorable, above-board system to help the children. It’s replacing one abusive dynamic for another, but injecting money into the equation. Thank you for allowing my voice of dissent on this topic.
I would like to add, as far as sexual predation goes, it also happens while in care of child services. Granted, this was in the US and not CA, but still: http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/lanow/2011/10/foster-homes-sex-offenders.html (found via medicalkidnap(dot)com)
Perhaps Ontario is the exception.
…although, and not to be argumentative, this article doesn’t really support that hope: http://medicalkidnap.com/2015/01/13/the-childrens-aid-societies-of-ontario-powerful-as-god/
Anyway, child-services abuses certainly do happen in CA. This boy would have been lost to his parents if the German government hadn’t intervened. http://medicalkidnap.com/2015/03/18/medically-kidnapped-teen-and-family-escape-canada-speak-out-on-abuses/
Again, I wish to stress that the question is not whether we should help the children, but how and through which means. In the meantime, many parents and their children are suffering at the hands of the State.
I think you make some excellent points. Here’s what I think: there’s something seriously wrong with the system. There is ALWAYS the problem that children can be taken away too easily.
But at the same time, there kids in absolutely horrible situations whose parents are given far too many chances. And the longer the kids stay in those homes, the worse the kids are in the long run.
I honestly don’t know how we balance this. Ontario does separate the decision making of where the kids go from the children’s aid societies (in fact, the judges in my hometown are former lawyers for the parents), and I think that’s a good system. It simply works too slowly. And there isn’t enough intervention to help parents who may just need some help (and I do know of two cases like that where the parents are well meaning, just clueless). But some parents aren’t well meaning. They’re honestly evil, largely because they’ve been so hurt themselves. And I don’t think any amount of intervention will help them. And we owe those kids something. We really do.
And that’s where I’m stuck–I want parents protected, but I also want the kids who really need help to get it quickly. And we know that the younger these kids are when they’re put up for adoption, the better it is for those kids.
I truly do not understand why tubal ligatiin and vasectomies are not used. They would be cheaper in the long run and prevent a repeat. Most of these women have their kids on public aid (Not sure how that works in CA with universal health care) and once they lose their children and parental rights I think the next pregnancy on aid that results in the child being removed, they should have to get permanent passive birth control. If they ever changectheir lives enough, then it can be reversed. Way less cost and way more preventative in the long run. And yes I’m a bit cold on this topic. Children have zero control in any of this. The only solution is preventiin. And yes, I understand there will still be kids in the system. Hopefully not a second and third set of kids from the same parents/mom.
I hear you. I’m uncomfortable with permanent things myself just because of how abused that was in the past. And it isn’t always reversible. But I see no reason why we couldn’t do the Depo-provera shot which lasts for a few months. And then, if they ever clean up their lives for an extended period of time, they could stop it. I have just seen another mom in her mid-20s in our city have her 6th child given over to the system. This really is WRONG. Those poor kids.
I don’t know if you remember with all your readers, but I have been foster parenting for about a year now. And it is even so much worse than you have laid out. It is so upsetting and painful to me that I don’t even want to get into all the details right now.
But bottom line is, you are right. The government is failing these children and the foster care system hurts the kids and creates more and deeper developmental and problems than they had before.
It is so profoundly heartbreaking that I am crying just thinking about the 5 kids we have had alone.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c15hy8dXSps
Rethinking foster care: Molly McGrath Tierney at TEDxBaltimore 2014
minutes 3:00-4:00 are especially powerful.
“The reason that ‘child welfare’ isn’t working is because there are children in foster care. It’s not that government’s doing it badly, it’s that foster care is a bad idea. The error is the intervention. And the crazy part? It’s we still believe! We just keep doing it, over and over and over, and expecting it to work.” Then she goes into “why do we keep doing it?” Because “it feels good,” and because “child ‘welfare’ is an industry.” (4:51)
I know you’re emotionally invested in this foster child and her fostering parents, but Mollh McGrath is FROM this line of work. It’s worth hearing her out.
Excellent TED talk. She was talking to early intervention to help a family before getting to the crisis that destroys a family. I can totally agree with this. She doesn’t deal with abandonment issues, but with cases in which the state reaches in to remove children. In principle I agree with her, and if this system were to stick to the types of help she described, we’d have a much smaller foster system.
I have not listened yet, but I think I get your point and I agree.
One of our kids was being regularly fed drugs and alcohol from the time he was an infant by a woman who had no desire to get clean and ran the streets. Father serving a life prison sentence. Fine, this kid should be taken. However, they still took 3 YEARS to terminate parental rights!!
However, with another kid the mother was NOT on drugs at all, and was just not properly caring for them an running around with a bunch of different men. The men were NOT abusing the kids but she was just not responsible. The kids (I knew the other kids of hers too that were placed in different homes) showed that they had been given love and emotional security it was obvious in their development.
The other 3 kids mom was just completely destitute and the kids were suffering sever neglect (of food and provisions not of attention as in RAD cases). She was not abusing her kids and it trying to get them back.
It would have been far better to spend the money on having a foster parent come into the home 3 times a week or so and mentor the family and help her learn better parenting and organizational skills, how to stretch a budget how to shop for healthy foods, and for the government to provide her with job search, counseling, and help the women learn better parenting skills.
After seeing all the abuse and hurt and terrible things the foster systems does to the kids, it is far better to keep them in the home unless there is physical, sexual abuse or drugs.
I will take a look at that video now.
Thank you for your thoughtful answer. Curiously, “there is physical, sexual abuse or drugs” in the foster care system as well. But not only does it share the disfunctions of the worst bio parents (please note, I’m saying the foster care system, not all foster parents), it monetizes placing children in the system.
Furthermore, the CPS (whatever acronym it goes by state-by-state) system in the US at least, has its own court system – so you have people who are in charge of removing children, and placing children, are also in charge of trying parents and terminate parental rights. In this court system, the accusers are not required to include the parents in the trial, or their lawyers, though this varies by state (I hope). To further muddy the water, a relatively healthy infant has an extremely high market value. I’ve personally known several families who paid $40,000 and MORE to adopt a basically (though not perfectly) healthy infant. So you have a child who may be worth $40k to the adopting agency, and then you have an adopting agency that has the power to remove infants from parents, try them in private, and tell the press they “aren’t at liberty to discuss the case,” and place a gag order on the bio relatives, and you have a system that’s built to abuse. Everyone except the child welfare agents are getting injured.
US: https://www.buzzfeed.com/aramroston/fostering-profits?utm_term=.fnve23LRE#.pvmPQEyBY
In Britain as well: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-511609/How-social-services-paid-bonuses-snatch-babies-adoption.html
I understand, I said, “After seeing all the ABUSE and hurt and terrible things the foster systems does to the kids, it is far better to keep them in the home unless there is physical, sexual abuse or drugs.”
Our own foster training included the information that I believe 80% (don’t quote me but I believe it was 80) of kids in foster are abused and many of them suffered the abuse in the foster system.
The thing is when it is an abusive home (not an anger management abuse which can be overcome, I mean just a dangerous abusive person) I don’t believe you can leave them in the home. Most of the abuse in the foster system was not by the foster parents but by other adults in the home or other foster kids.
So, it is better to deal with preventing the abuse in the foster system (can’t foster for money, checking out other relatives, keeping more troubled kids out of homes and being honest about the degree of illness that the kids have to not sugar coat issue and keep them victimizing other kids etc.
Just better to take your chances than to knowingly leave them with an untreated and unwilling to be treated drug addict who allows her boyfriends to sexual molest them and feeds them drugs, starves them and beats them.
Not going to sell me that they should stay in those homes nor was the video advocating for that. Early intervention is great but some people are already far too gone by the time they are even pregnant and they will never be clean and will never be safe or healthy enough to raise a child.
But it does mean that we need to stop focusing on the other issues of dumping kids into the system and refusing any help or support to the parent when there is hope that the parent can be helped and rehabilitated and when the child feels loved and safe and is just not being properly cared for.
And, yes I specifically asked if we were helping the parent get back on their feet and the answer was really condescending towards the parent like they just better figure it out on their own. No compassion at all.
I would totally agree with you, TBG. Unfortunately, all the kids that my friend has had it’s been the abuse issues. It hasn’t just been neglect. And it’s sad.
No that absolutely is the other side of the coin. As I said my other boy they allowed to stay 3 years with a bio mother who they knew from birth (at hospital they both tested for drugs and it was reported) was regularly feeding her infant drugs and alcohol.
Another instance had them “testing” reconciliation where there had been sex abuse with the person who was perpetrating the abuse. Unsupervised visits, where the kid was simple getting abused further.
So, I agree with you. I think the problems are very numerous and have not even gone into many of the other problems.
I just think both are problems,
(1) allowing kids to stay in dangerous homes too long,
(2) refusing to pull the plug when there is an ongoing pattern and little evidence of change,
(3) putting kids whose families could otherwise be helped into a broken and abusive foster care system
But let me tell you, I would need another comment, if not an entire blog post to detail how the system itself (not foster care providers but the actual system) hurts kids, creates more and more emotional damage and fails to give them the help they really need.
I don’t know how you stay sane in the system! I really don’t. And I respect you so much for the work that you’ve done fostering, TBG. Thanks for loving those kids, on behalf of the rest of us. We are all responsible.
My family was looking to adopt locally a few years back and ended up with a family of 4 who were SOON going to be up for adoption. They’d been in foster care two years. When their parents weren’t in prison, they got visits, which traumatized them every time. The system kept giving the parents chance after chance to straighten up. .. for years. In the end a family member came forward and ended up adopting them, and my mom swore she’d never do foster care again. Not because of the kids, but because of the system.
It took me 8 months to emotionally heal after the deeply troubling experience, with they system and how they were hurting these 2 children before I could step back and foster again. I had thought that I was not going to foster again.
We’re in the States and I have a friend fostering (hopefully to adopt) a baby right now. Pray that this moves quickly. What you share is truth, and I pray that this sweet child will remain with his forever family.
My grandparents had a similar situation when my mom was a young teen. They’d been fostering two little girls (an infant and a toddler when they got them) for a couple years and offered to adopt, but at that time in their state, foster parents weren’t allowed to adopt the kids they were fostering. The kids ended up getting adopted out to a family that was required to allow my grandparents to visit but made every effort to break the bond they’d had with these little girls. It really messed up my mom and her whole family, and the girls had a harder time than they would have if they’d been adopted by their foster parents. Years later they were able to reconnect with my grandparents, and they’re still close, but there were a lot of years of heartache because of a poorly thought out policy.
Matthew 19:14 New International Version (NIV)
Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”
It’s not much different in the US. The government will prioritize getting children back with their biological parents even when the parents are a known risk. I’m seeing it play out right now for some friends of mine who do foster-to-adopt. They’ve adopted two children, and the finalization for their third is on August 1st, and they have a fourth baby right now for whom they are gearing up to fight for. I agree with you, in cases where the biological parents are already known to be unfit, the termination of parental rights and adoption of the child ought to be expedited. The entire thing is so sad and such a complicated mess.
If it makes you feel any better, I work across the border in the USA, and it also is filled with problems and frustration.
I will be praying. We just survived the foster care system and being able to adopt 2 of the babies we were fostering. However this process was only possible because GOD was with us the whole way. Not one day went by that I didn’t cry or wonder if I was going to make it being a foster parent. The system and the kids in the stream need our prayers and our help. The big question is what can we do and where do we actually start.
You are so right that the system is broken. It’s just as bad in the states. My parents chose to become foster parents and eventually adopted two children, but so many children in our home were done a disservice by the state more than I care to admit. At one point my mom even wrote letters to state representatives because it is just inexcusable in some cases. Just because there is family around doesn’t mean it is necessarily best that they be with family. Of course we have only hit the tip of the iceberg, but change is definitely needed.
Absolutely! I’ve seen so many kids go back with a GRANDMA who was the one who abused the mom and caused the whole problem in the first place.
Blood should not matter as much. I know people who have fostered and adopted from the system who love those kids so much more than anyone who is blood related to them does. It’s just so sad.
Interesting comment “blood should not matter as much.”
I think what matters most is the heart–the Christian’s heart full of God’s love and respect for others, especially little children.
But a secular government will never recognize that. In fact, now that governments have redefined marriage and forced Christian adoption agencies to violate their conscience or shut their doors… its going from horribly bad to worse.
I agree with anon, the first comments regarding the problem of medical kidnapping, and the unlimited, unchecked power of CPS. Nancy Shaeffer’s scathing report had it right, and it should have been pursued. Were it not for her untimely and very suspicious death. Foster Care as a concept is fundamentally flawed. As I understand it Christian orphanages closed due to lack of funding. Who is to blame for this? I blame the Church’s priorities.
Orphanages were closed due to abuse running rampant through them. Just like many state sanitariums.
I would actually encourage you to read “Are There Any Traditional Orphanages in the US” on huffington post. Orphanages which were run by sincerely Christian people were not abusive. Contrary to that, they were great for the kids. Please don’t make blanket statements about all orphanages. That doesn’t help.
Here it is:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/quora/are-there-any-traditional_b_4960439.html
Well said Sheila. Thank you for your raw transparency and authentic heart. I love that about you.
Same thing happens in the states. I have a friend in similar situation. Was fostering a toddler with a drug addicted mother who showed no signs of even wanting to be a grown up and do what it would take to get her kids back. She had older kids too. Courts want to keep them together. Such a trainwreck and everyone suffers, especially the kids.
It’s a terrible situation across the board. One of the biggest problems I’ve seen is the lack of people WANTING to adopt. Especially in Christian communities. Everybody talks about having their own flesh and blood children is different than an adopted child. Another side is in the US it seems like children are sent back to genetic parents way too much, even if they are sexually abused. My friend was fostering a girl, 15 years old, who was continuously raped by her father and the girl got sent back to him. Within 2 months she became pregnant. And yes, it was his. But I guess no one wanted her because of her baggage. Sad sad sad.
Yes, I’d agree. But I’ve also seen many Christians adopt and have those adoptions become horrible because the kids were so emotionally damaged. If the adoptions had just happened sooner it would have been so much better. It’s so sad.
Thank you for your Blog on this topic Sheila! For the past 2 years I have been hearing horror stories from my daughter and her husband who are desperately trying to adopt a child. They have jumped through hoops and have been put through the wringer by a nasty case worker. They are approved to be adoptive parents and have done everything asked of them. They have been made to feel like “second class citizens” because they can’t have their own children. The system spends way too much time focused on the biological parent….rehabilitating at all costs! Unfortunately, the cost is to the child who needs a forever family and the perspective adopting parents who just want to share their love and family with a child. We hear all the time that there are too many children in the system waiting to be adopted but yet as my daughter and son-in-law have found out, the process is painfully slow and extremely flawed. If only courts and judges and agencies would wise up and put the needs of the children, for stable and loving, forever families, before the needs of the biological parent who is unable to provide. My heart breaks for the children and the adoptive parents who have to endure such long waiting times and such a screwed up system!
I often think that if judges had to spend just a few hours with the child before making a decision, far more would be put up for adoption earlier! 🙂
We have a boy that has lived with us for a year now, he is 13 years old today. He has been removed from his abusive and alcoholic sick mother 6 times and each time placed in different foster homes. Then he gets shuffled back when the mother has met the requirements (rehab for example), and then it starts all over. When we got the call one year ago he was literally starving. In sweden the child has to live with the foster parents for three years before he or she can be adopted. And now the social services wants to move him back to his mother even though the boy says he’d rather die. I have fought against our system for a year and I am both heartbroken and exhausted. Why can’t there be rules that allow for children to be put up for adoption sooner? It is clearly not in the childs best interest to be reunited with the biological parent. That presumption has to go!
6 TIMES?!?! Oh, my goodness. That poor, poor boy. How absolutely awful! I guess all you can do is give him your contact info and make sure he knows he can come over when he’s sad, but that is just terrible. I guess it’s bad everywhere, isn’t it?
I will get a lot of people who will not like this opinion but I think we need to rethink orphanages. Check out the Palmer Home for Children in Mississippi. Its a private Christian run orphanage (in effect). But its not a big dorm like setting. A state could never run something like that though, they would mess it up bad.
You’re not the first person I’ve seen advocating for a return the the orphanages system and I just have to comment! I’ve worked in a small Christian-run orphanage. With an insider’s perspective, I can say with absolute certainty that it is NOT the way! Whatever good intentions, the reality is, you are taking children who desperately need the love of a family — even a temporary family — to heal their trauma and help them thrive. Orphanages end up being too much of an institutional setting, even the small ones, even the ones that aren’t ‘dorm-like’. Too much change, frequently changing caregivers. Older (often abusive) children with unfettered access to vulnerable younger children. Emotional neglect. Unhealthy child-to-adult ratios. Rampant (often unreported) sexual abuse, and children who end up looking for the love they aren’t getting in the wrong places. I would have given ANYTHING for the children in my care to have been put in good foster or adoptive families. And there ARE good foster families! People love to pull out the news stories of the abuse (and I’m by no means denying it does happen, and far more frequently than it should) but those news outlets also rarely report the good, either. The families who sacrifice to me the needs of these traumatized kids, help them heal. The families that take older or special needs kids. The ones that take sibling groups. The ones who love them as their own. As someone who’s seen fostering first hand, more than half of the ‘broken’ part of the system is a LACK of good parents coming forward to foster and adopt. If more families would take even one child, social workers wouldn’t have to scrape the bottom of the barrel to find anyone willing to take the kids that just came into care, or that are difficult and need more attention. In poor districts, especially, a lack of good foster parents puts unwarranted burden on and overtaxed system, leading to the perpetuation of so much hurt and abuse. So much of the problem is everyone thinking it’s someone else’s problem. Much thanks to Sheila for calling out one of the MANY, MANY problems with a very broken system, both in Canada in the US.
Paul DeHolczer, who also has first person perspective, would seem to disagree to that broad brush statement.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/quora/are-there-any-traditional_b_4960439.html
As a foster parent in the US I can definitely agree the broken nature of “the system” is not unique to Ontario. Sadly, I have no idea how one would uniformly correct these shortfalls except to say that every case should be evaluated on an individual basis. There are regulations running the system and I totally get that it has to be that way because we need laws and guidance. However, to me, putting a blanket rule out for every case (i.e. Permanace in 12 months, or adopt only as a family unit) is as naive as trying to parent 2 children in the exact same manner and expect the same result. Just as every child is unique and precious, every case in the system is unique. I fear many systems fail to recognize that aspect and so there are way too many heartbreaking stories of kids in care too long, not long enough, too many times, too few times, etc. So many prayers!!
I totally agree, Taylor!
I’m so sorry these little ones are facing this. We were blessed to be able to adopt our daughter from Children’s Aid at about 17 months old and she has blossomed into an amazing girl!
I have fostered for 5 Years, it is a broken system, it often fails, most endeavors with out Godly principles fail.
However there are some success stories. And this year I was privileged to care for and nurture and love some children , their mom and father both have serious mental illness and are incapable of parenting. Their children are forever damaged but we were able to see them do tremendous healing and they were able to successfully move onto the home of a terrific relative , who will be their forever home. God is good all the time.
I may not be able to make large changes and correct the system, however I can love one child at a time and make a difference for Christ sake one little heart at a time.
Pray daily for those who heal and nurture those who have no voice.
I think there comes a point where it’s actually really straightforward, although neither option is easy, nor without it’s flaws: EITHER, we as a society come down on the side of parental rights, and we give parents as much chance as we can and hope that some can be redeemed (a point your article doesn’t mention, because it’s too focussed on the one example), acknowledging that it will be worse for the kids whose parents can’t be redeemed, OR, we come down on the side of “let’s not take any chances” and take children away from parents much more swiftly, which of course means that there will be children taken who didn’t need to be, and will mean parents have a lot more fear about this. I don’t think there is a “balance” point, I think we, as a society, honestly just have to choose, one way or the other.
What I want to know, though, is where are the other adults? Blood relatives or not, where are the other adults that the child has known for it’s entire life, and why aren’t they taking the child in to care for him/her until things either get sorted out with the bio parents, or, for the rest of the child’s life?
Also, if children do need to be fostered, and it does need to be by someone who doesn’t already know the family, why aren’t the siblings being kept together in foster care too?? They will need each other. They are the only ones who will know what the other siblings have been through, but visits won’t bring them nearly close enough to have the type of relationship that would be helpful!
Anon, Thank you so very much for your comments as they are 110% valid and people need to be aware and educated about the ugly side and reality of the very FLAWED, broken and frightening system, known ironically in my state as “Child Protective Services”. My family fell victim to the nightmare of their incompetency which caused unimaginable pain, trauma and loss that will last our lifetimes and beyond. Yes, there are children who are truly abused by their parents and too many times CPS has tragically failed to protect them, sometimes to the extent that children have lost their lives at the hands of their abuser. I have sat in tears many times while watching the headline news learning about yet another horrific failure by the system. As a result of public national scrutiny and criticism, they have defaulted into a protocol of automatically yanking kids away from loving homes and from situations that are not abusive, but where counseling, education or additional resources could adequately address the problems in the home and family. The foster care system “care givers” are disturbingly many times (not all, thank God) , welfare recipients looking to collect another welfare check, who don’t honestly care about these kids and who end up being the ones to inflict the real physical and emotional abuse on the children put in their care. Not to mention the very real instances of children getting victimized by other children in these foster homes. Also, kids that are naturally and clearly traumatized by being ripped away from their parents are fed a high dose of psychotropic drugs, which brings a higher paycheck to the state agency and “care givers” since the child is considered to need a “higher level of care”. I will never be able to advocate for giving this system any more inconceivable power than they already have to play the Gestapo and “God” in our society’s families and children’s lives. Just as with our criminal justice system (which has failed numerous times as well) it is imperative that it be determined without a shadow of a doubt that parents are not nor will they be in the foreseeable future, capable of being fit parents. Every conceivable resource should be exhausted (with the children out of any potential harm’s way) to support families that are capable of becoming healthier so they can remain together. If thru that fair and just process it is determined that it is in the best interest of the child to be permanently removed, then of course a quick and smooth adoption process is imperative. Trust me when I say I could fill a book with the numerous ways my nieces and nephew were victimized by the system that claimed to be protecting them. Thank you for hearing the other side to this very personal and serious matter. There are very real consequences beyond what you can imagine unless you have lived thru them to share your story. God bless those who advocate for families and who come to the rescue of abused children, we need more many, many more!
Once upon a time, I worked for Children’s Aid, and I’ve also represented parents in court in child protection cases.
Cases like this broke my heart. I had no easy answers. On one hand, I felt the parents panic when they knew that they had so little time to get a baby back, because Children’s Aid and the courts were anxious to get babies adopted. On the other hand, I had cases where a child had been in foster care longer than necessary. I had a baby of my own at the time, and I kept thinking about what milestones the forever family would be missing. In one case, this poor little boy was very clearly treated like a foster child. Although he had been with the foster family from the age of 1, he wasn’t allowed to call them mom and dad, and they didn’t treat him like they treated their biological son.
After 8 years providing foster care and adopting, I believe that this article should be included in packages given to families considering entering into the foster care system. It is spot on. We have the same issues here in New Mexico. Not mentioned in your article are the inter-office challenges and personalities that CERTAINLY play a role in the cases as well. Perhaps another article. Well done on this piece. This article needs wider circulation within the industry tied with people and plans of action. BTW, this does not come across as a rant, rather an informed informational.
Thanks, Sam. I’m glad you appreciated it. It’s just such a sad situation.
This is one of those heartbreaking realities of life, I see the complexities and challenges all around, for the child, for the biological parent and for foster and afoptive parents. I dont see a reasonable solution from any perspective. Sometimes the system needs to move slow, sometimes it needs to fast, we need individual but consistent decisions being made across jurisdictions. In many ways foster care higlights the flaws and inadequacy in churches and in society, we want it tidied up then we will get involved instead of being willing to work through the mess. Theee is no easy answer, I beleive the system is inherently flawed, but, all we can do is love those caught up in the chaos.
Sheila how I would love to sit down for tea and chat all day with you…. fostering/ adopting and homeschooling (not in that order) are huge callings on my heart but we have so much fear and doubt,, not to mention a large Younge family of our own. These stories break my heart but church- these are the people we are commanded to care for. I weep as I read this and don’t know what the answer is.