I’m enjoying a wonderful summer vacation with my family right now, and I hope that you all are enjoying your summer, too!
And since I’m not around to write a post for you, I thought I’d link to a post that I wrote earlier this year for iBelieve.com on submission in marriage based on my book, 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage. Here’s the first little bit:
When I speak at marriage conferences, I often ask wives what they think submission means. The room grows silent as they hem and haw, until finally a few hands are raised. “When you disagree, he gets the final say.”
I’ve never heard an answer other than that one. If you think about it, though, that sounds rather peculiar–as if God’s command for women in marriage can be summed up as, “in the case of ties, husbands win”! Perhaps when it comes to submission, the immortal words of thePrincess Bride apply, “You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.” So let’s look at what submission does–and doesn’t–mean.
Viewing Submission as About Decision-Making Assumes You’ll Disagree
If submission means that the husband makes the decisions, then the underlying assumption is that the husband and wife will disagree.
Does the same God who sets high standards for us–whose will is that “there be no divisions among you, but that you be perfectly united in mind and thought (1 Corinthians 1:10)”–turn to marriage and say, “obviously agreement isn’t possible there“? Why is unity the starting point in every other Christian relationship, while disunity is the starting point in marriage?
In Paul’s epistles and in Jesus’ prayer for believers found in John 17, God’s will is clearly that Christians will seek His will in unity. By assuming that a wife will always defer to her husband, though, we’re not assuming that the couple will find God’s will at all. If the couple is in disagreement and they do it the husband’s way, there are only two possibilities: either one of them is not hearing God, or both of them are not hearing God.
Want to see the other 3 points? Just read the rest of the article here!
And don’t forget to check out my big article on what submission actually DOES mean right here.
Have a wonderful day, everyone!
And say hi to Sarah Ball, who is moderating the comments and jumping in while I’m away! She’s guest posted for me before, and writes a ton about anxiety, She’s a great friend who is going places and has such an important message. Thanks, Sarah!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Great post! Submission in marriage has NOTHING to do with the so-called “husband has a trump card.”
yes! and everything to do with unity. Such a refreshing view on sumission
and by sumission er… I meant … submission.
Your statement indicating that submission means “In humility, we think of his needs, his wants, his interests, his desires before we think of our own. We pursue his best before we pursue our best.” is a powerful one. AND, it sounds an awful lot like what men are called to in the relationship with their wives, “to love your wife as Christ loved the church, and gave His life up for her.” (Ephesians 5:25)
Male and female, we should view submission as maintaining a perspective focused on comprehending and prioritizing the needs of our spouse. A compassionate response and affirmation that our spouse truly is our best friend and top priority is, in fact, what we BOTH so deeply need and desire. From the Greek NT, the same word “submit,” used to instruct women in Ephesians 5:22, is the exact word used in verse 21 of the same chapter; “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ” is an instruction to the entire congregation, men, and women inclusive. Paul’s directive to women wasn’t unique; it was clearly expounding on something which applies to all of us.
I couldn’t agree more, “God’s desire for us isn’t a tug-of-war relationship where one person gets his way; it’s for true oneness! …and submission is the primary tool to obtain that oneness.” We’ll never shed God’s image, for unity in relationships just like our Triune God has enjoyed forever. We long for that unity, with our passionate pursuits, and by God’s plan, submission such as Christ demonstrated is the way to get there.
Great thoughts, Carlene! Thank you. I do find that when I ask people, “are husbands to submit to wives?”, almost everybody says no. It’s as if we don’t believe verse 21 is there. But it’s further evidence that submission is not about leadership but about simply serving.
Yep! Even Jesus, who came with the highest authority, was far from authoritarian. He demonstrated servant leadership by humbling himself to a place of equality with those around Him. And He asks us to do the same! (Mark 10:45, Philippians 2:1-7)
Absolutely!
Well stated Carlene. Our society is so concerned about ensuring each person gets what is coming to them. But as you stated so well, it isn’t about what a wife or husband can get, but that each places the needs of the other above their own needs. Jesus Himself, the Son of God, submitted to God the Father, and paid the price for our sin. Submission is not something one does from a position of weakness, but of strength. I also believe many husbands who simply look at scripture as a mandate for obedience forget that the husband isn’t the focal point. I do not demand submission from my wife. It comes out of a dependence on Christ, not me. However, when I am the husband God calls me to be, she can trust that God is at work and is secure in her role as my wife.