So my mom just sold her house. Which means that moving vans will soon be arriving on my doorstep!
I thought I’d take today and give you all a bit of a personal update into my life.
First, a story from yesterday. My daughter Katie and I have been invited to speak at the Association of Christian Women in Music and Media meeting in Burlington, about 3 hours from where I live–but on the other side of Toronto. Anyone who lives in Ontario will know the significance of that last bit. It means that if you don’t time your drive exactly right, you will end up sitting on the highway, really frustrated with the traffic.
So we left 7 hours early, shopped in Ikea for a while, hung out at a bookstore, had some food, and then went to the event. Only to find out that I got the dates wrong, and it’s actually today. We turned around and drove home (through rush hour) and now have to do it all again today!
Katie made a video about it. I’ll put it up on Facebook this weekend. 🙂
Anyway, details are not always my strong suit. Well, they’re really NEVER my strong suit. So I was just a tad frustrated at myself last night! And she was, too. Sigh.
End Story #1.
Okay, now about my mom.
Sometime last year my mom and I were driving to Ottawa, likely to see Rebecca or do something for the wedding. I can’t remember now. But we were talking about her house, and she was saying that she just had to make a decision about whether she was going to stay or whether she would try to buy a condo. It’s a great house–perfect location, lovely neighbourhood for walks, great garden–but the size of the garden and the hassle of shovelling snow in winter was just getting to be too much. And we weren’t really home enough to help her.
We were discussing condo options when I suddenly said, off the cuff, “maybe you should just move in with us.”
I mean, with the girls gone we have a big house that’s just the two of us, and with Keith and I on the road so much it’s often empty and she would have to take care of it.
I hadn’t really thought about it until I said it, but then we all started thinking and praying and decided it would be a good idea.
My mom’s totally healthy; there’s nothing wrong with her. So it’s not because of health. It just means that she’ll save a lot of money, which she can then use to support more ministries that she’s passionate about, and we’ll have someone in the house more, and it seems like a win-win. I mean, we have all these rooms, and I really only ever use the living room, the kitchen, and our bedroom.
Here’s the plan we made: she has the basement. We have the upstairs. And the main floor is common area.
So Keith and I are going to turn one of the upstairs bedrooms into a sitting area for us, in case we want to watch a movie at night, just the two of us. That way Mom doesn’t have to feel that she’s interrupting something if she comes up to the kitchen. If we’re in the living room, we’re open for company. If we’re upstairs, we’re not. And she has a little microwave and fridge in her room downstairs, too, in case she just wants to hang out down there for a bit.
We did have to put a full bathroom into the basement, but we were going to do that anyway. And Mom paid to have the two rooms downstairs renovated, and they look AMAZING. One room has wall to wall closets, and one has these amazing built in cabinets now. I wish we had done it earlier!
The biggest problem we have now is that all of my mother’s stuff has to fit in two rooms (though some of her spillover can go in the rest of the house, too). We’re going to go through all of her furniture and keep the best between the two of us, so we’ll likely end up getting rid of some of our stuff and replacing it with hers.
I think it’ll work quite well. We all get along well, so that’s not an issue. I know I’ve written before about living with in-laws, and for many couples it doesn’t work well. I think we’ll be fine. And it’s probably good for me to have someone in the house during the day, because I have a tendency to become a hermit when I’m working. This will force me to actually talk (though I do talk to myself sometimes. I likely shouldn’t admit that too widely).
Anyway, her house sold on Tuesday (yay!), but with a closing date of late July. We also have a family vacation coming up, so the next few weeks are going to be very busy for me. I’ve decided I’m likely going to only post four times a week now until the end of the summer, so I wanted to tell you all why. I know you’ll understand!
But any tips about how to get a ton of stuff into a small space? And tell me what you think about our new living arrangements!
1. I totally get it about crossing Toronto. And twice in two days? ugh.
2. I think your new living plan is brilliant. Especially the “upstairs, downstairs, share the middle” part. It makes the boundaries very clear right from the beginning, which will eliminate a lot of potential conflict. I have wondered at times if I will end up doing something similar with my parents in 10-15 years.
3. The best way to get a ton of stuff into a small space is to purge. Don’t even try to get it all in. I’ve been reading a lot about minimalism in the last year or so, and while our house still has a lot of stuff (6 people, 1200 square feet, and we homeschool!) I have learned a lot.
Your plan to eliminate duplicates and “keep the nice one” is a good start. 🙂
Yeah, we’re trying to purge right now! I’m trying to get rid of a lot of my stuff so she can use more of the closets upstairs as well. We just were given that new book from Marie Kondo on the Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up, so I’m going to read that!
Oh I can’t wait to read your blog post on that book! I’ve started and stopped it maybe a half dozen times, now that we’re moving I keep promising myself I’ll do it as we pack out so there’s less to deal with on the flip side…but every time I start I get hung up wondering if maybe it was supposed to be satire and she’s laughing all the way to the bank at all us suckers who bought into it.
Purge – yes. Figure out if you have multiple things (ie. Towels) that you could do with only 4? Also, things that only serve one function in my house are an immediate no – no special do-hickey to make the perfect egg on an English muffin in 4 minutes on your counter. Floor space is valuable. Don’t store what you don’t love. And don’t keep things out of guilt. A small space can still feel spacious with a few well thought out principles. We live in 800 sq ft with a family of 6. It’s squishy, but we are happy and comfortable.
Great thoughts! And I’m already looking forward to her towels. She has really nice towels. 🙂
I LOVE this! You are so fortunate to have a close relationship with your mom. This sounds like a win-win for everyone.
And the clear boundaries make so much sense for everyone to feel truly “at home” in their home! Thank you for sharing. I may borrow some of these ideas! 🙂
I am so blessed. 🙂 Indeed.
We’ve lived in a variety of small spaces over the years, and my best advice is: “Have nothing in your house that you do not know to be useful or believe to be beautiful.” (Can’t remember where that quote comes from.) We’ve tossed out so much junk over the years, and it amazes me how much we STILL have that we just never use!!
Also, vertical organization is your friend. 🙂 Keep as much stuff as you can up, and make use of all space in your house (good excuse to browse Pinterest for ideas!).
And, if you haven’t used or worn something in a year (without a good reason), get rid of it!!
We’re currently renovating our house, so we’re a family of six crammed into about 800-some-odd square feet of space. You can do it!!!! 😉
Sounds like a really great plan with the new living arrangement.
Purging is the way to go. But I also would suggest to wait with any purchases or overwhelming purge decisions for the new spaces you’ll create. Live together for a while and see how you’ll actually use the space with the new arrangement (as opposed to how you now imagine) and most pieces of furniture will have a natural solution – either they stay in the spot or you’ll try a different spot or you’ll see what you don’t use anymore and then you can purge those pieces. But of course if you merge the stuff of two homes you have to purge some beforehand too.
I used this advice of living with a space before making major or permanent decisions when moving house and it has saved us some money or led to a better solution without going through to many unneccessary changes. I always had a plan beforehand but I decided to wait a few months to live in the new house with what we have and see how we live and use our stuff in the new space and then it became clear. Some ideas I initially had felt need d to be done became unnecessary, some stayed the same and some changed to look a bit different…
Sounds like a wonderful, and well-thought-out plan! Great idea to each have your own spaces (floors) and a neutral space to be together 😀
And I love that you’re doing this while your mom is healthy and vibrant, may she be that way all of her days 😀
Julie
What a great plan for sharing living quarters! Especially the extra sitting room and knowing when you’re available to hang out with and when you’re not.
Oh, and no shame in talking to yourself – it’s a great way to have intelligent conversations 🙂
I think that’s lovely! We had been preparing our basement for my parents to transition to until they needed long-term care when my dad got sick. I think you’ve got it all mapped out on living areas and boundaries — a lot of families don’t go to those extra steps and resentment builds.
Haven’t been to Toronto, but we did see it across the ‘way’ this week when we visited Niagara, NY. Same, but different. 🙂 I could imagine how crazy the traffic would be with one side of the city blocked by water – question: does Toronto have any sort of ferry service to get from one side to the other without having to deal with car traffic? It may take as long (or longer) but considerably less congestion.
Sheila, My mom’s been living with us for the last few years (probably more than that — time flies), and it’s been a lot of fun, a different phase in our friendship. I’m happy for you!
As for fitting a ton of stuff in a small space, I think you should start with the space and figure out what you can comfortably keep — kind of a reverse process. It’s easier to evaluate when you’re starting with an empty space, so take advantage of it.
Great thoughts! Thank you.
Sounds like a great situation! I’m sure you’re going to make some great memories with your mom. 🙂
Tha is great. I am glad that your mom is coming to live with you. 🙂
What was Keith’s reaction at first about this? I’ve often thought later in life if there is only one of my parents left, I would love to have them live with my husband and I, whether my parents or his!
I personally have never talked to my man about it in depth, but I know from hinting around at this point he wouldn’t be too happy about it…
From my perspective the more the merrier 😉
I believe you are on the right track for “blending” a family. Each part of a blended family needs their own living space. After that, if possible, the bedrooms should be separated. A house with bedrooms on either side of the main living area is ideal. And for others considering bringing Mom and/or Dad to live with you, or this is a second marriage with his and her children, definitely strongly consider moving. Look for a house that will provide what a blended family needs: some privacy.
When I was 13 my mother and I merged put family with my elderly grandparents. After a year of them each being in the hospital multiple times and Mom and I living at their house – we didn’t take our Christmas tree down until nearly Easter that year! – the adults decided keeping two homes was crazy. We found a perfect house that provided three ready-made living areas: the den for all of us; the living room for my grandparents to entertain their friends; and an extra bedroom that we put our living room furniture in and called it a sitting room.
Then, in 1998, my mother decided she didn’t want to stay in Dallas, Texas. We merged my household (me and my teenage son) and Mom’s. Having lived it before, we knew what we needed. We found an “L” shaped house. My son and I took the three bedrooms in the shorter horizontal part of the “L”. My mother took the master bedroom in the vertical part, where the kitchen and den were also located. The formal living and dining area was between us. And we turned on of the bedrooms into a sitting room for me and my son.
When we merged together, my mother (then aged 72) was in very good health. She still is in good health, but since 1998 she has been diagnosed with dementia, which fortunately has been slowly progressing. But the deterioration of her mental capacity has come to mean she should not live alone. We were spared that stressful conversation. Then this past year (at age 89), she suffered a stroke. Her physical condition is poor now, and I’m so glad I’m already here. Still have the “not driving” conversation to go!
Love your writing and your ministry! I wish you many wonderful years with you and your mother being housemates again!
PS – your mother looks so very much like the actress, Felicity Kendall, recently of “Call the Midwives” and of “Rosemary & Thyme”.
Hmmm, I’ve thought alot about the what if… I have a mom, a step-mom, and a step-mother in law. I wonder what will happen in the near future. I think you are very blessed by God to be able to do this. I think your hubby is very gracious too! You are right though it is a win-win situation, this way when you go adventuring/on talks you don’t have to worry about the house etc.
Keep telling us how it’s going. Will be interesting to see how the boundary issues settle out over the next year or two.
Cheers
Cindy