Is it possible to have a conversation about weight in a healthy way?
Every Monday I like to put up a reader question and take a stab at answering it, but today I’ve got one of my own that I wanted to tackle: how can we frame body image issues properly? I really have no idea.
So I’m just going to give maybe a stream of consciousness post of all the things I think about, and then I’m hoping you can all chime in with your opinions! I think this is an important topic, but it’s just so emotionally laden that we don’t cover it well. And I’m not sure what to do with it, so I tend to shy away.
With quaking hands as I’m typing this (because I really don’t want to hurt anyone), let’s take a stab at it.
I’m going to list a whole bunch of truths, and then I’ll ask you all to help me come up with some sort of an approach that encompasses them all. If that’s possible.
Truth #1: Our Society’s View of Body Image is a Prison of Expectations
Here’s how I explain it in my Girl Talk (the talk I give about sex and marriage in churches): Our society has taken sex outside of the marriage relationship, and when you do that, all you have left is the body. It’s not about intimacy or commitment or love; it’s only about pleasure. When you do that, the body takes on far more significance than it ever should have, and that’s why, in our society today, sexy is all that matters.
Our worth is so much in our bodies as women, and our bodies don’t have to just be “beautiful”, they have to be a certain size that really isn’t found in nature very often: large breasts, narrow waist, curvy hips, with no trace of fat or cellulite. Just doesn’t happen.
Especially after you have babies and things are just flabby, even if you’re not carrying extra weight.
And this leads so many women to feeling helpless, and like we’ll never be good enough. It can lead to anorexia. It can lead to self-loathing. It can lead to ridiculous diet trends that are distinctly unhealthy. And it can also lead to women just giving up. They’ll never be good enough, so why try?
Thought #2: The Porn Industry Has Made Men Have Unrealistic Expectations
Combine our general societal push to have a perfect body with the porn industry, and you have the perfect storm of pressure to look a certain way.
As more and more men view porn, more men start to expect a certain body shape. I get so many letters talong the lines of “I’m 125 pounds and keep myself in great shape, but my husband says he isn’t attracted to me anymore because I have a tiny bit of a tummy. And he wants me to get breast implants.” Isn’t that awful?
A lot of women have husbands who tell them they need to lose weight or look a certain way, and it’s downright, well, creepy.
Thought #3: We Should Be Able to Enjoy our Bodies Sexually Without Being a Certain Weight
Nowhere in the Bible is sexual satisfaction combined with a perfect body. Certainly in Song of Solomon the beauty of both the bride and groom are extolled, but if anything, the Bible teaches that we should love our spouses regardless of what happens to their bodies.
Proverbs 5:19 says:
A loving doe, a graceful deer– may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love.
And the context is rejoicing in the wife that you have been married to for decades–rejoice in the “wife of your youth”. So God is telling us that we should enjoy ourselves even when our bodies are no longer perfect or no longer young.
Thought #4: Sex is More than Physical
Sex is about so much more than just physical pleasure; it’s a deeply intimate and spiritual experience, too. And, indeed, as I explained in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, when two people feel spiritually connected, physical pleasure often is enhanced. For women, especially, sexual response seems linked to feeling intimate. So it’s not only about feeling sexy; it’s about feeling close. When we emphasize the physical at the expense of the other, we often lose out on the best aphrodisiac that God’s given us.
Okay, so I believe all those four things with all my heart, and I’ve written posts about each of them at length. But, but, but…there’s another side to it, isn’t there?
Thought #5: We Are Attracted to the Physical
As much as the physical shouldn’t mean everything, it does mean something, doesn’t it? There’s nothing wrong with being beautiful, after all, and the Bible does talk about women in terms of their beauty (and men, too, by the way!).
And if that’s true, then isn’t part of being a good wife also taking care of your body?
The problem with this line of thinking, of course, is what does that actually mean? Does a good wife have to be a size 6? Or is anything okay except a size 14? Except plus sizes? Of course not. But, but, but…shouldn’t there be something?
I’ve always felt like most guys would be happier with a larger woman who was enthusiastic about sex and willing to initiate than with a smaller woman who kept sex off limits, because “sexy” is still a lot to do with attitude more than anything else, but I do think that keeping ourselves in as good shape as is reasonably possible with our lifestyle is a gift that we can give our husbands.
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Thought #6: People Who Respect Themselves Tend to Look the Part
Whenever I talk about fighting the frump this is really what I mean. If you respect yourself, then you will tend to dress that way. You will take care in your appearance. Someone who puts on a shirt that flatters and some jewelry and a bit of makeup (or at least brushes their hair) will look like someone who respects themselves far more than someone who puts on yoga pants and an ugly oversized T-shirt. And if you look like you took some care in your appearance, then other people will take you more seriously. If you look like you don’t care, then why should they?
People who don’t take care of their appearance do tend to look like they’re keeping others at arm’s length. The whole “I don’t care what other people think” thing sounds more like an excuse. It’s an “I don’t like my body and I’m insecure and so I’ll just say that it’s other people’s fault” attitude. That’s likely too harsh, and I explain it far better here about fighting the frump. But I do think we can look put together whatever size we are.
Thought #7: Our Bodies Are the Vehicle Through Which We Reach the World
We’re on this earth for a limited time. And the vehicle through which we impact our families, reach the world, and tangibly carry out the Great Commission is through our bodies. We are physical beings.
Thus, the way we treat our physical bodies will have a direct correlation with our ability to be effective on this earth. Obese people tend to die earlier. But they also have a string of health problems throughout their lives which will eat up time and resources and energy that could have been spent elsewhere.
Thought #8: We Owe it to our Kids to Give Them Good Habits
The thing that most correlates with a child being obese is parents being obese. And given the social ramifications and the health ramifications of being obese, we owe it to our kids to instil good habits in them.
I’m just going to be frank here, and mention a very not-so-pretty truth: If you look at the single thirty-somethings in churches, they tend to be a “larger” group than the married ones. I know that’s mean to say, but in my experience I would say that’s true. That doesn’t mean that no heavier people will marry, or that no “lighter” people will be single. It’s only that heavier people are over-represented in the single ranks of young adults. And I would venture to guess that most of them want to be married (at least the ones that I have talked to).
My heart just breaks for these people. I’m one of those annoying matchmaker type people who doesn’t want anyone to be single who doesn’t want to be single. And I’m forever in my head trying to make matches. I so want to see lots and lots of weddings! And when I see College & Careers groups with singles I just get sad, often more than I should (since many of these adults are perfectly at peace with it. It’s my problem, not theirs).
But nonetheless, I do think that raising kids to have healthy eating habits gives them such a leg up in all kinds of ways, and something that important to their future is not something which should be overlooked just because “we should love everyone whatever their size.”
Thought #9: Gluttony is the Forgotten Sin
There’s a problem when Christians are bigger than non-Christians, and in many places we simply are. Gluttony is a sin in the Bible. I think it was easier to see gluttony as a sin when food was scarce, and today it’s abundant. Us eating a lot really doesn’t take food away from anyone else in a tangible way (though we could, of course, be donating that money).
Yet many people use food as an escape. When we’re sad, we turn to the ice cream in the freezer rather than turning to prayer. We build literal distance between us and others to keep them at arm’s length and to stop expectations on ourselves. That’s wrong.
But how do you quantify that? Is it a sin to order that delicious warmed chocolate chip cookie with ice cream and caramel and hot fudge sauce for dessert at restaurants (I can never resist). Or is it only a sin if you have dessert all the time? Is it a sin if you enjoy your food (absolutely not)? Is it a sin if you do split a Haagen-Dasz container with a teen who is sad? When does it cross into sin territory? I have no idea.
So there you have it–nine thoughts about weight that seem to contradict each other. And because it’s such an emotionally laden topic, I often steer away from it. I’ve written a lot about the first four thoughts–those that focus on how we shouldn’t give in to our society’s pressures to conform to a certain body size. I’ve written a ton on respecting yourself. But I’ve never really written on the other thoughts, on how important it is to be healthy and try to keep the weight down, because I don’t want to make women feel badly.
But is there a happy medium? How can you reconcile all nine thoughts? I don’t know, and it really isn’t my intention to make anyone who is wrestling with this feel worse than they already do. I hope I haven’t done that. But how do we talk about weight properly without giving in to society’s ridiculous expectations about body image? I’d love your thoughts in the comments today!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I did read your whole article but I could have written my response having read no more than the title. I think the healthy way to talk about weight is to not talk about weight. Talk about health instead. Obesity is determined by BMI and BMI is an awful measurement. It was never meant to be applied to individuals. I know very active, healthy people who no one would look at and consider them even overweight who are obese according to BMI. I don’t know that it really answers your question on how to combine all your points, but I think a large part of the answer is to talk about things like eating nutritious food and being active and just let a lower weight be one of the results. There are plenty of people who aren’t overweight who do a terrible job of taking care of their health. Let’s just talk about health instead.
My husband has had that issue with BMI. He works physically all the time. He eats very well but BMI still says he’s obese. He’s one of the healthiest people I’ve ever known and his heart health reflects that, as well as his blood sugar.
Yes, I don’t think BMI is a great indicator. We should likely get back to how physically fit we are rather than how heavy we are? I should have stressed more of that in the article; it’s a good addition.
I’m liking this. I think this is right on.
But here’s a question, then: Is it possible to talk about being healthy and physically fit while ALSO stressing that we should strive to be attractive (the whole fighting the frump thing)? Because it isn’t ONLY health, is it? I do think it’s primarily a health issue, but somehow we need to also be able to say that part of health is loving your body, and those who love their bodies will respect themselves enough to present their bodies well (hey, that’s actually a good way to blend the two thoughts, isn’t it? Maybe that’s the synthesis I’ve been looking for!)
Plus the bible says your body is a temple, you are to take care of it because it’s on loan, not ours at all. That goes for health concerns, drug abuse, alcohol intake, negative thoughts and images, bad influences, poor choices, etc. etc. I think if you want to loose weight or someone wants someone else to loose weight just to look better … that’s sad. Size should not be an issue, health and well being should. My husband has always struggled with his weight and I have tried many ways to be supportive and encourage him to get healthy because all the men in his family have died early from heart issues. That’s scarey to me. I don’t want to loose him early but I don’t want to push him and annoy him with ways to get him “healthy” when he sees it more that I am trying to “get him in shape” as if my concern is his appearance. I don’t think you can address getting in shape, being physically fit, etc without dealing with the whole body – mind, body, soul and spirit. It’s not just a physical issue.
Telling people who already feel bad that they need to love and respect themselves more is not going to cut it. There is a reason they feel that way in the first place – until those issues are resolved, nothing will change. It’s the equivalent of telling a clinically depressed person to “snap out of it.”
Truth
I disagree. I think its a great idea to talk about weight. Sheila is right and not everyone is struggling with weight just because they aren’t healthy enough. I’m one of those people who eat right and work out at the gym five days a week and I’m still obese. I know why I can’t lose, I’m angry and bitter about having a selfish, self-centered husband. I’ve been angry at God too. I know that mix of negative feelings results in stress and my body clinging to extra weight.
I love to hear someone be bold and speak the truth. Especially when it comes to weight issues. I like to take what I can from their advice or opinion. Sometimes I need to hear it and I really appreciate the people who are bold enough to speak out and not try to coddle peoples *delicate* feelings. Those people just need to grow up and get over themselves. People who get offended when you speak the truth in love are wrong and need to work on their own heart. Bottom line, weight definitely needs to be talked about because its every bit as important as any other area of our lives.
Thank you, Charity. I do think that, even though weight IS talked a lot about in our culture, we need to talk about it because it’s obviously being approached in the wrong way. If it were talked about in the right way, we wouldn’t have so many obese Christians, and we wouldn’t have so many on the other side of the spectrum starving themselves. We also wouldn’t have so many people just plain hating their bodies.
There has to be a healthy way of talking about it which can help women be FRIENDS with their bodies and treat them well. And that’s what I’m trying to find!
I agree! A couple months ago I realized that I wasn’t painting my nails or doing fun girly things for myself because I was angry that I hadn’t lost weight yet. I kept telling myself that I would paint my nails if I lost 10 pounds because then I would deserve it. Once I realized what I was doing I set out to change my mindset. I decided that I would paint my nails, wear pretty undies, have a few sexy bras, wear nice scents, and put lotion on myself all the while telling myself that I was beautiful, I love myself, and that I receive God’s love (I wouldn’t receive His love because I felt that I didn’t deserve it). Taking the time to love myself helped me lose 5 pounds. My focus is on loving myself while knowing that I still need to lose more weight and also walking with God on my journey to a healthier body weight and mind set. I do believe that mind, body, soul are so intertwined that you can’t really work on one while neglecting the others. They all need to be talked about together. Perhaps that’s a good way to approach the topic of a healthy weight.
Good for you Charity!!! Keep up the good work! You ARE worthy!
I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately.
I don’t weigh what I did when I got married – 4 babies later, I’m a very different shape. I’m ok with that.
BUT when my kids want to take a soccer ball to the park, I want to be able to run and play for as long as they do. When the family can all (eventually) ride bikes, I don’t want that to just be something they do with daddy.
So I guess I think it’s more about physical fitness than size. And, conveniently, the better shape I’m in, the more I’m ok with my body – whatever size it is – because I know it won’t let me down in the middle of a family soccer game.
YES! It’s all about being active. I think that’s a great addition to the discussion, and one I should have stressed more.
I am somewhat overweight, and always have been. It has never gotten in the way of my physical relationship with my husband. For whatever reason, I was not shy about him seeing me on our honeymoon, and never feel like we should have sex in the dark because I don’t want him to see my rolls. I am glad about that!
However, I know that I could take better care of myself. But with the “love the skin you’re in” movement, I think I’ve convinced myself that I am perfectly fine the way I am and don’t need to change. I am a little fat, and that’s okay, according to this movement, but according to God’s word, I should take better care of myself. It’s frustrating.
I think I’m partially guilty for the “love the skin you’re in” thing! I think I even wrote a post called that at one point.
But here’s the thing: I do believe that. I think it’s much easier to get healthy if we treat our bodies like friends and enjoy them rather than seeing them as enemies we have to defeat. So can we love the skin we’re in while also trying to get more physically fit? I hope so, because that would be the ideal, wouldn’t it?
Ok, I like the way you addressed the idea of body image, and I may open a can of worms here, but it is just easier to dress modestly, in a non-frumpy way if you don’t allow yourself to get too heavy.
At my largest I have been a size 14. My family is full of woman with large hips, and a belly that retains weight. This makes it hard to stay on the smaller side & franky, hard to lose weight. However I found it was harder to look non-frumpy as my waist got thicker, so I’m working on losing it by changing my lifestyle. I’m now down to a 12 again, and would like it if my waist got a bit thinner, but I’m not watching the scale so much as the tape measure since, the scale frustrates me and really doesn’t track what I need. I’m more worried about the long term health consequences of a thick waist. Especially with diabetes and heart problems also in my family.
My daughters are in their teens and one is very slight of build, and one is more muscular. Of course the muscular one is also heaver and she gets teased a lot. I stress health with both daughters, and encouraging them to be more physically active. I also tell them that their bodies are made differently, and will do better with different things. One loves to run, the other likes to lift weights. They are both using their own strengths, and they are both beautiful. My larger girl has the harder time dressing modestly though, especially with today’s fashions and even when at her healthiest she doesn’t give the impression of being slim. Think Marilyn Monroe with the larger girl and Twiggy with the smaller. Both beautiful, both can be healthy but have different challenges and gifts, but they can’t dress the same way & still be beautiful & modest.
I stress health with my girls and myself. It’s sometimes hard, but so important. My larger girl does put on weight much easier, just her body type. but as long as she is active and eating well, I’m not going to stress. I just make sure she gets the support she needs as well as the guidance. But the unfair thing is, it is more challenging, both to maintain weight and modesty while wanting to be put together when you are on the heavier side even if it’s muscle. Since she is better at maintaining good habits, she will have a healthier adult life I’m thinking. My smaller girl doesn’t have to work as hard and gets lazy with it. I know from personal experience that when the babies come and your body changes it’s harder to learn the discipline then. Poor girl, I hope she learns from my experiences.
We need to talk about all types of beauty, through the lens of good health. Let’s face it, no matter the size or the age, a person is most beautiful when they are healthy. Even with my being a bit heaver now I feel that I’m more attractive now then I was as a young women. That’s because I was never really taught to be healthy, and as my health improves so does my outlook and appearance.
The fact that we have different body types is just so frustrating, isn’t it? It sounds like you’re handling it great with your girls! My side of the family doesn’t gain weight easily; my husband’s side doesn’t lose weight. And I’ve found it’s even in the types of food we crave. I have a sweet tooth but absolutely 0 craving for fat. My husband once drank a cup of bacon grease on a dare. He’s wired to crave fat; I’m wired to love salmon and salad. So we sort of start out on a not-so-even plane. I think recognizing our body type and our body’s cravings and being realistic about it is so important. I don’t expect my husband to be super fit; I’m happy if he doesn’t get obese. But I, on the other hand, should have a much easier time falling in my healthy weight, and when I inched above it a few years ago it really was my own choices.
Full disclosure: I am about 50-60 lb above my ideal weight. I don’t really struggle with this emotionally, and what I need is people to kick my sorry butt off the couch and in front of a workout DVD rather than preaching about how I just need to love myself and my curves and anyone who says otherwise is fat shaming. Also, I hate the word “shaming” when used after any other word, since it usually seems to me to be an attempt to shut down the conversation rather than dialogue and figure out what’s actually good and right and true.
So, all that being said, I thought all of your thoughts were great. Of course, it is incredibly important to not make women feel that they are inferior because they’re not a size 6 or at their ideal weight or whatever, or that they aren’t worth anything because of their weight, and many women struggle with that already. But there’s such a wide chasm between that and making simple, factual statements like “Obese people statistically live shorter lives”, or pointing out other health benefits to not being obese or whatever. This is the problem with the whole “___-shaming” thing. We live in a society where all choices are considered equal (or at least anything that’s not politically incorrect) and to suggest that maybe some of those choices are not actually good choices, is automatically branded “fat (or whatever)-shaming”. People care more about people not feeling badly (or, perhaps, feeling *shame*) about things, than they do about the truth behind those things. If someone feels badly about how they’re overweight, they’re much more likely to try to fix that in themselves. That doesn’t mean we go out of our way to *make* them feel badly, but that certainly doesn’t mean we try to shield the truth either! I thought you did a good job in the post of making it clear you don’t want anyone to feel like they’re worthless because they’re not a centerfold, but stating honest truth about the reality of weight related to health and living.
Well – if nothing else, between this post and a conversation yesterday at lunch with some other women about food choices and working out – I’ve been doing well this year at the eating thing, but the pull of gravity has been thwarting the working out part (I have the time, I just don’t have the inclination) – I am feeling slightly more convicted about the working out part and may actually make a change. Wish me luck. 🙂
Jessica, this is exactly what I’m noticing, too:
Thanks for that. I think it’s important to say–that there are some simple factual things about being overweight.
I do think, though, that likely I should have stressed physical fitness rather than weight, except that if I don’t talk about the how you look than you also don’t get that “fight the frump” thing. I do think how we look is important, but in terms of weight it’s likely more important to be fit than to be a certain size.
I think you did a fine job. 🙂 by stressing that there is no perfect size/weight but that it’s about respecting yourself and taking care of your body….
I am in the constant battle of the bulge (I was a skinny kid/teen-how do you reconcile when you are no longer what you were?!). I’ve resisted trying any of the “miracle” diets that friends have done.
I’m so blessed with a husband that will
Chase me around whether I’m a size 14 or a size 8. (Let’s face it, the boobs are bigger at a size 14 lol)
I’ve had 4 babies and taken Zoloft (which causes weight gain)…I don’t look to be the size I was when we married. Just a healthy happy medium!!! <3
Since you deal with sexuality in marriage I think this was a very appropriate topic to tackle! Because our sexuality is so psychologically tied to our body image! Whether we like it or not.
Side note: I have heavier friends who enjoy a VERY active and pleasurable sex life and skinny/fit friends who could take it or leave it-or whose husbands aren't that interested!!
Yes, I have found that weight isn’t that correlated to sex, actually! And I’ve also read studies that say that it’s better to be 25 pounds overweight than 10 pounds underweight when it comes to libido for women! 🙂
Not helpful.
I’m one of those “fat” ladies at 80-100 lbs overweight. And it isn’t due to lack of proper diet and exercise. Doctors’ advice is less than worthless. Diligently following their advice has caused me to experience thyroid problems, adrenal fatigue, and even more weight gain.
Sometimes, we actually can’t control what our bodies look like. Focusing on beauty that radiates from within is far more productive.
I’m sorry about that. There are certainly some metabolic conditions and hormonal conditions that cause people to gain weight. I know even menopause can cause women to pack on an extra 25 pounds overnight without changing a thing! It is tough.
I totally agree with you. People always roll their eyes when you tell them you have a thyroid problem, but my issue did cause me to gain weight. I was going to the gym 3x a week, eating a healthy, low carb/low sugar diet and I STILL gained weight. You totally said it… “Focusing on beauty that radiates from within is far more productive.” I’m kinda disappointed in this blog post. I usually love and agree with most everything she says, but today I feel really let down that a Christian woman would say these things and totally miss the point that God looks at the HEART first and foremost.
Yep- that’s me too, Heather. Reading that menopause can pack on another 25 pounds makes me want to cry. I’ve had to back off beating myself up over it and realize that I’m doing my best. I walk 4-5 km per day, am active with my kids, eat very low carb/low sugar, and allow myself enough hours to sleep (although I often have insomnia). No fake food, sweeteners, etc. I take about 170mg of thyroid hormone per day, which does help, but I don’t think replacement hormones ever get you back to where you’re actually supposed to be.
It’s just frustrating, isn’t it? I learned that I was diabetic and went on insulin to control my crazy blood sugar levels. I gained a ton of weight and didn’t change a thing. It’s like fighting a battle that I’m destined to lose.
Have you tried the Ketogenic Diet?
This is a very tough one for me. I was the shortest and skinniest at school. In fact, I was so skinny, that was relentlessly teased about being skinny. I had never been on a diet, or over-exercised (in fact, I never exercised – I was too shy to; I preferred to read). But the teasing haunted me, and when I fell pregnant with Baby Girl it gave me the perfect opportunity to put on the weight, to get away from always being the skinny one. And so I put on 30 kg’s. I was so proud of the weight I had put on. But, you see, what I have since realised, that God created me perfectly as I was. All this eating and obsessing to put on weight to get away from the harsh criticism and teasing from others, is not who God created me to be. Had that weight just sort of gained by itself, perhaps I would have a different view point. But, I purposely set out to put the weight on – it was a deliberate action on my part to hide myself away. I hated being the centre of attention because I was the skinny one and when an opportunity presented itself to gain wait, I grabbed hold with both hands and never let go.
Now, I’m about 14 kg’s over what I should weigh. I’m ashamed that I can literally shovel food down my throat to simply put on weight and that I can eat as much food as grown man – sometimes more. I eat more than my husband after he has cycled 100 km. Again, if my motive was a “this is just who I am”, or I had always been like this, then fine. But my motive was to gain as much as I can to hide myself. Not who God created any of us to be.
I am now fighting back. Learning to go back to how I used to eat – which turns out to be a very healthy way of eating, i.e. eat when you’re hungry. I am changing my thoughts, but I have done so much damage that sometimes I get scared I’ll never be whole in this area again. That it will always be an issue that I carry around with me leading me to hiding myself in food and just eating, and eating, and eating…
On a side note – it also saddens me that more and more you see plus size models in the industry. I am not advocating everyone has to be skinny, but being plus size isn’t healthy and I don’ t think that seeing plus size or super skinny models are a healthy option for young girls to see. Why not just have models of normal weight?
Yes, I think eating when you’re hungry and stopping when you’re full is so important.
But it’s so hard, because God does want us to enjoy things, and I think He does want us to enjoy food, too! Finding that balance is hard.
I’m not sure what I think about the model issue. I think I’d rather see plus sized models dressed well than never see plus sized models, because I think that dressing your body shape and looking good AS YOU ARE RIGHT NOW is so important. We’re more likely to get healthy (or lose weight) if we’re happy with ourselves, not if we’re mad at ourselves. And a normal weight would be about a size 14, wouldn’t it, if you took the average? I don’t know.
I love that there are women who are willing to show us how to dress for where we are! I am a sie 18 and it is so uplifting to be able to find clothes in my size and to see how to dress from other women like me. I always hate myself when I see tiny models. I am strong, healthy and what the wprld calls obese. I am learning to make changings to become even healthier and yet love the time God has me in right now 🙂
I’m not saying that we need to be stick thin, but certainly not obese – neither anorexic thinness nor obesity (at either ends of the scale) screams out health and wellness to those around us. But there is a huge spectrum from slender to voluptuous that is healthy.
I don’t usually respond to blog posts, but I’m breaking my silence here. I understand what you’re getting at, I really do. But the way you word things, focusing so much on weight and how thin you are, regardless of the reason, is basically echoing the view you get from Hollywood: Thinner = better. In reality, God loves me. Jesus would have still died for me if I was 20 lbs underweight or 100 lbs overweight. God DOES want us to care for our bodies, yes, this is very true. But it is NOT all about weight.
I’d agree with you here, and perhaps I should have put an extra thought in–you can be thin and be out of shape. I’m incredibly out of shape right now. When I was hiking with my daughter in British Columbia last week (was it only last week?) I could barely make it up this steep hill, which five years ago I would have been able to handle no problem. I look like I’m in shape, but I’m not.
And if it’s about health, then we really should focus on being more active rather than being a certain size, too. Maybe it’s about making healthy choices about activity and food? That’s probably better than weight.
I think that’s what rubbed me the wrong way. If I ever tell someone how much I weigh, their eyes always bug out and I get a comment like “Oh wow, you don’t LOOK like you weight that much!” I eat well, exercise (gym, trail walking, yoga) and take care of myself otherwise, but have found it incredibly difficult to lose weight due to very real health problems. It is NOT all about weight. I don’t even have scales in my home for that very reason. My self-worth is not based on a number; it’s based on the fact that I am God’s chosen daughter whom He loves. That’s all that really matters.
My wife struggles with her weight and it’s a barrier between us, not because I don’t love her, but because it keeps her from loving herself. If I want to show her affection or tell her she’s beautiful, she counters by bringing up her weight regularly. She is in Weight Watchers and Overeaters Anonymous, but it’s going to be a battle. I agree that I would rather have her love me just as she is and let me love her just as she is instead of waiting to say “When I’m pleased with how I look, then things will be different.” I see it as a picture of the grace of God. We come to God when we’re not “good enough” (And my wife is certainly good enough for me. I hate to use the term even). We come in our imperfections and God loves us in our imperfections, but He loves us so much He doesn’t want to leave us broken in our imperfections. The sad thing is we can’t get past the imperfections until we learn to accept His love in our imperfections. In fact, that is how a wife is to love her husband then. Love him in his imperfections (And I have plenty) with all of your imperfections.
That’s really profound, Nick, and I think that’s one reason that I shy away from this topic a bit. I think the WORST thing a woman can do is to hate her body. If you need to lose weight, the way to do that is to appreciate the body that you do have, and embrace it, and then strive to make it better. When we hate ourselves and see our bodies as the enemy, it’s self-defeating because you’re fighting against yourself.
And then you see so many marriage dynamics like you’ve described–the woman withdraws because she doesn’t feel attractive (even if her husband is attracted to her). It’s really sad.
Yes it is. I tell my wife that you could take me to the Grand Canyon, to see Jerusalem in its glory, to see the Mona Lisa, to see the Eiffel Tower, to see Niagara Falls. Take me anywhere to see anything else. Those are all good sights. I’d love to see them, but they don’t even begin to compare to what happens to me every time my wife shows me her body. That is the #1 sight I want to see. The only thing I want to see more with my eyes is the face of Christ.
I’m getting set to write a blog on my men’s blog in fact on what sex means to a man.
And here is what I have written.
https://aschristloves.wordpress.com/2016/06/06/why-do-you-want-sex-so-much/
So I read this blogpost. And it’s hard to believe. Hard to believe that sex can be emotional for a man. All I see is that sex is all physical, and that how his wife looks is the most important. While browsing for a movie my husband will say that he’s looking for one that has lots of sex in it. He says it turns him on. He makes comments about the actresses breasts.
While giving me a backrub he made a comment about how much backfat I have. I only weigh 123lbs.
Tell me, how do I believe that he loves me, loves my body. I’ve had 5 kids, I have saggy breasts, I don’t believe that he likes them, even though he says he does.
Other women turn him on and he loves watching sex scenes, but apparently it’s only me he wants.
Now I have body image issues I can’t get past. I don’t want to have sex or be naked around my husband. I always wonder if he closes his eyes during sex because he’s thinking of someone else.
So I guess I don’t believe that sex is much more than the just the physical for a man. All I can see is that how a woman looks is super important and I’m not good enough.
I know I’m late, but I just wanted to say I am so, so sorry. What your husband says to you I think is common, but it is NOT how God loves us and not how he has designed love. Your husband sounds like he is struggling with selfishness, and that is understandable, but God has designed sex and our bodies for so much more. It is all throughout scripture. Don’t be deceived by lies culture tells you – you are enough!
I appreciate your gentle approach. This is my sin. Food is an idol in my life. We need more hard, loving truth spoken over this growing issue in our communities. I think we are watching sin become normalized first hand with the ‘love your curves’ movement (and I’ve remained between 40 and 80lbs overweight all of my adult life.) It’s dangerous and I need Jesus. People who love me are quick to say I don’t look THAT overweight, essentially dismissing my acknowledgement of sin. I get it, it’s easier to be kind. But how helpful is it to tell an alcoholic that they don’t really drink THAT much? The problem is we can’t trust our own judgement in the sin of others. What a mess!
The bottom line is that I know I’m serving God with less than His best for me through disobedience in this area of my life. My guess is that this is no surprise to anyone else that’s overweight/obese, either. I am convicted, yet I struggle. While Jesus does love me at any size, I have an obligation to be transformed by my faith, turning away from sin. I need the bright light of truth in every dark corner of my life.
Prayer and faith that the pain and struggle to be changed is worthwhile and brings glory to God is all I’ve got. I think it might be more comfortable to have a hidden sin, but perhaps wearing my sin for everyone to see creates a powerful opportunity if people are willing to talk about it.
Thanks for taking this on <3
Wow. That is really interesting. “We need more hard, loving truth spoken over this growing issue in our communities.” “People who love me are quick to say I don’t look THAT overweight, essentially dismissing my acknowledgment of sin.”
Really interesting perspective! I’m going to have to mull that one over.
Dear Amy,
I love your perspective. I know for me, when I was skinny (my story is in the comments further up) everyone thought they had a right to comment and tease and have their say. Now, that I am completely overweight (bordering on obese), no-one (I’m sure out of kindness or perhaps they’ve just been taught that its rude – I don’t know) says anything, or if they do, I get comments like you do that I’m not THAT overweight. But, food has become my obsession and my idol, and the only person to speak the truth to me is my husband. He could see how out of control my eating was becoming. EVERYONE else washed over it as if it didn’t matter – but it does matter. Your weight and your health and how much food is an idol to you I believe matters a great deal to God. I’m not saying that we need to be stick thin, but certainly not obese – neither anorexic thinness nor obesity (at either ends of the scale) screams out health and wellness to those around us. But there is a huge spectrum from slender to voluptuous that is healthy. I’m beyond that spectrum, but I have started running and working on how I eat and I am trying my level best to get a handle on a problem that I created in the first place.
I loved your analogy about telling an alcoholic that they don’t drink that much – it is the same. I know that I am overweight because I eat. And I’m eating because of emotional reasons. And I keep on eating because I don’t know how to let go. That’s a very different approach to eating just because I’m hungry or even just that I’m enjoying the food…
Blessings on your journey – perhaps in a while we’ll be posting about how we have overcome. Because in Christ Jesus we are the victors, aren’t we?
The Baby Mama
AMEN! Thanks for the encouragement.
I totally TOTALLY agree with this. I’ve had people tell me the same, “you don’t look THAT big”. Well, sure, compared to the “My 600-lb life” people, but 1) they’re not healthy either and 2) is that really who I want to be comparing myself to anyway? I don’t want people walking around telling me “Wow, you sure look a lot heavier than you did the last time I saw you” either, but not speaking truth in an effort to be kind, is really ultimately unkind. Encourage me, cheer me on, “Good for you for working on this!” but “Oh, you’re fine the way you are” “Love your curves!” – for me at least – are not helpful.
That is just really interesting. I wonder how many people feel the same way, though? I know I would feel really weird NOT saying, “you look fine the way you are!”, or something along those lines. But maybe I’m just a coward…
From my perspective, best bets are to pray for us (keep it between you and Jesus, unless we have a different kind of relationship!) and be willing to respond in loving truth – or maybe with a hug and silence – if we do reach out with dissatisfaction over our weight.
I was going on about my frustration with realizing how destructive my behavior is, yet continuing to do it anyway. An adored friend simply responded with a sincere ‘Yeah, why DO you do that?’ While I still don’t have a clear answer, it sent me off on a deeper evaluation of my actions. ‘What can you do about it?’ was her next question. And finally, ‘I love you and I’m praying for you.’ I walked away from that interaction feeling heartened and that I could trust her as source of honest feedback.
Perhaps sitting in the awkward silence after someone says something ‘fishing’ or negative about herself might be a better response. A reassuring ‘You look fine the way you are’ is obviously nice and in all likelihood, truthful, but not necessarily helpful. Of course, not everyone is looking for help.
I think of the story in John 8, with the woman caught in adultery. We’ve caught ourselves in sin, we’re confessing, Jesus accepts us and calls us to repent. What would be the loving response to obesity/gluttony in that light? Ugh!
This is a tough topic, for sure. I think we’re all cowardly with hard stuff. Again, kudos to you for taking it on. I really think it’s an essential conversation our community needs to have. I’m eager to read Jessica’s take.
Those are wonderful thoughts! And I know I, especially, am definitely cowardly with hard stuff!
I love your friend’s response! Questions for clarification – not judgment or advice. And she followed it up with love and support. Perfect!
Sometimes you see replies to your comments 3 months after they happen…. I saw these again today when Sheila re-shared this post on her FB page.
As far as what would be a good answer – in the cases I was talking about, the one that I specifically remember was when I was talking with someone about the risk of diabetes (which obviously increases when you’re larger), and she said “Well, you’re not that big”. Well, compared to the “My 600-lb life” people, yes, but I still need to be watching my weight (and not just watching it climb) because there *is* a correlation. So in that conversation, I think it would have been better to just let that moment pass or just talk about “Well, do your best” or “When I’m at the top of my weight management game, I do this”. That person was more a of a friendly acquaintance than a friend, and I let it go (it was like 6 years ago) but I do find those comments neither encouraging nor helpful.
My best friend and I share a fair bit in our continued struggles to stay at the top of our game and I think we have a good thing going as far as encouraging each other to stay the course, commiserating when we’re sobbing at the side of the racetrack or running in the wrong direction, and trying to not let the other stay on the wrong path.
That’s it! We look in the mirror everyday, we know when our clothes are snug, we know what the scale says. Unsolicited advice or even commentary on the obvious is never helpful, right?
I think you handled this beautifully. I would like to share my “condensed” personal story. After having children I had hypothyroidism and really let myself go. I thought I was “healthy” but I was not watching what I was eating and was not very healthy. I was not active. It isn’t about size but it is about feeling good and I did gain self esteem when I started taking care of myself again. My husband and I decided we no longer wanted a “blah” marriage. I got tired of being overweight. I got serious and lost 100 pounds and changed my whole life! My family has moved around for my husband’s work a lot and I have found that some areas being active isn’t as much daily life as it is in other places. To be honest, I am from the Deep South, and people as a general rule, are not very active in this region. I actually lost a decent portion of my weight in the south but didn’t truly realize I was an active person until moving away. We are back in the deep south until early fall and I get it is hard to be active and enjoy it here. I have to push myself harder to stay on track and to me it isn’t as enjoyable but still worth it but you are talking about someone who LOVES the snow and seasons and is a mountain girl at heart. I think part of it is the insane heat and humidity mixed with the fact its just different culture overall, but with that said it can even be achieved in this region. I think it is so important to realize being healthy and active can and should be fun! I personally enjoy being active outdoors way more than going to a gym. Our family’s favorite activites are hiking, running, and biking. I absolutley love taking adventures with both my husband and my children. I want to encourage anyone struggling or who has given up. It DOES take work but it is SO worth it! I have a blog that I haven’t updated in a while because of life but it details more of my story. I plan to start blogging again but for anyone who wants to read my story in greater detail it is https://mommydrops100.wordpress.com/
God does look at the heart and so should we, but our bodies are also not to be ignored! We can’t be only about “beauty is from within” just as we can’t only be about looks as being the most important. We need balance.
I’m going to be honest… I’m not heavy. I have awesome genes passed down from my dad’s side and combined with breastfeeding for the past eight months I am tiny. But it is ridiculous that I have been made to feel bad for being so small, because I can’t help it, just as other people can’t help being larger. I have a friend who is approx 150kg and I love her and don’t even notice her weight, and I know she doesn’t focus on the fact I’m almost a third of her weight. I agree that it is shocking how overweight people can get treated, but it’s also shocking how pretty much anyone of any size can get belittled and mocked to make someone else feel better. Because isn’t that really what it’s all about? We WANT to feel GOOD about ourselves. Hence larger people often talking about beauty being from within and skinny people focussing on size and others on fitness and health. We all focus on the thing we think we can achieve, so we can feel beautiful and satisfied with ourselves.
It’s tri-fold: character, appearance, health. Appearance gives the first impression and can shape responses to you, character is what gives depth of relationship and the joy of inner beauty (assuming your character is nice haha) and health is important too, as I’m sure we’d all agree.
Wow. I have so much to say on this and your blog just doesn’t have room, lol. Yes, some people have glandular or other issues that cause them to gain huge amounts of weight. I feel so bad for these individuals whose bodies are killing them. BUT, most really overweight Americans are so because of their own choices. It is a choice to eat 5,000 calories a day. It is a choice to watch tv for 7 hours a day instead of moving around. People in previous decades did not have the exponential amount of office jobs that we have now. If you are unhealthy, you need to do something about it. I have an entire family full of people who would rather be on insulin, high blood pressure meds, and 20 other meds rather than eat well and work out. And then they complain about their weight and the amount of meds they take!!! There are things you can do to help yourself. I haven’t been able to get the last 15 to 20 lbs of weight off from having a baby, nursing her (yes breastfeeding will cause your body to hold on to the extra weight) and Zoloft. But I got so fed up with feeling bad about myself that I have gone to a diet doctor who revamped my eating habits and put me on phentermine to jumpstart the Weight Loss so I’ll see progress and not give up. Please don’t excuse being purposefully unhealthy because God loves you anyway.
I think it’s hard to reconcile all nine thoughts because every individual person is so unique. It’s really a case-by-case kind of thing. It could be a slow metabolism thing (I just read a fascinating study on that). It could be an emotional/psychological thing. It could be a medication thing. It could be a medical condition thing. It could be that they just don’t care and would rather eat what they want than lose weight. It could be any combination of any of those things in varying degrees. What’s important to realize is that there is always more to the story than outward appearances can tell us. And that ultimately, we can talk about health until we’re blue in the face but the decision to change rests with that individual. We cannot make others’ choices for them.
In this age when social media is so prevalent, it’s also important to understand the reality behind celebrities and fitness personalities. Keeping their bodies looking a certain way is a JOB for them, and we don’t see on their Instagram posts how many hours a day they devote to exercise or how restrictive their diets may be. It is not realistic or desirable for most of the human population! I can be reasonably slender and have some muscle tone, that much work I’m willing to do, but to have perfect six-pack abs? That takes way more effort than I am willing to give. I like food, and I like having hobbies other than working out. So that’s what I base my expectations on.
All that being said, do I think being overweight is un-Christian? Nah. Do I think some habits that lead to being overweight can be un-Christian? Possibly. But I also think an extreme focus on health and fitness can be un-Christian too. Any time our body becomes our idol, basically. We need to ask God “Am I focusing on the right things? Am I fixating on my body instead of focusing on healing emotional wounds or working on control issues? Am I missing out on your best for me because I’m overly focused on either hating my body or on an extreme approach to health and fitness?” Does all that make sense?
Nice one. I wish this shows up in my mailbox every morning to keep me motivated. I’m actually a size 14. Weighing 76kg. About 5ft9inches. BMI not so encouraging. Good to know that’s relative but in general. I noticed I’ve noticed that I’m happier when I weigh less. I’m a sweet tooth so mine has to do with selfcontrol issues. I just pray I get more disciplined. Meanyl, can’t see the check box for follow up comments again. I need to see new comments on blog posts that I’m interested in. Does anyone have tips on the abs toning exercises? Will ‘planks’ do? Been doing a lot of study on central obesity and being in the health field I’d rather I do the much I can to keep some chronic diseases that are within my control off while still praying and trusting God to do the remaining. Please I need to be notified of followup comments.
Yes, definitely a touchy subject. I have battled obesity my whole life, people have been cruel, but I have been the worst when it comes to hating my body. It is extremely painful to feel not good enough from the minute you open your eyes until you fall asleep and still find strength to stay positive as you move through the day. It is depressing. The thing I recently told my boyfriend, as I was sobbing on his shoulder, is that I CAN’T GET AWAY FROM MY BODY…there is no reprieve…ever. It is out there for the world to see and they don’t know if I sit at home eating large pizza’s and ice cream, or go to the gym, eat lean meat and veggie’s, yet have a health problem that prevents weight loss!!! I have autoimmune thyroid issues, so even going to the gym for months 3-4 days a week, eating very clean, water, etc., I GAINED 20 lbs. I think the issue is loving everyone where they are and if they are not committing gluttony, have compassion and don’t judge. If they are, talk to them in love and share God’s Word about it and let the Holy Spirit convict/teach. I don’t think this is a size issue, but a health, heart, and societal issue that the enemy is using, just like everything else. I think we have an obligation to honor the Lord with our bodies, but I bet His standard and ours are much different because we have been brainwashed into believing that a woman’s body is beautiful only of she has a flat tummy and no cellulite. I pray we can all live ourselves, and each other, despite our imperfections.
“Us eating a lot really doesn’t take food away from anyone else in a tangible way”… I strongly disagree with that, the food industry in the west is clearly taking a lot more than food from the rest of the world : what with the cereals produced to feed cattles (instead of using the land to feed people), the waste, the pollution, the chemicals farmers in the South use without protection and so on… the cheap, abundant food we have in the west does have a cost…
Interesting! You’re likely right–especially with the price of corn being so inflated right now, and the effect that’s having on the Third World!
For myself, I will say I use to have shallow thoughts around weight and being on the heavier side. I used to look at fat people with distaste, but I began to realize we’re all people and we all need love. Shame does not necessarily motivate a person to change – a person has to want to change their weight. My son was chubby. I decided to get over myself and still love and accept him. He ultimately decided to lose weight and in doing so he got healthier. He became more confident as he got healthier because he could see his accomplishments.
Basically, it’s not about how I feel about a fat person, it’s recognizing that there a person and a child of the King just like me.
I so agree with this, nylse, and I’ve found this, too: “Shame does not necessarily motivate a person to change.” Yep!
Should we look at this article in the context of marriage?
If so, all valid points.
If it’s just a general “women’s talk” article, then I do think I would change some things. especially the “overweight” singles part. I think that may have been more opinion than a solid truth. I think my feelings would have been very hurt if I was that women.
I am married struggling with body image, and the 4 truths I totally agreed with! Always love your honesty and wisdom! I just think that if a single lady who was struggling with weight read this, she may be hurt/discouraged by that part.
*hoping to speak this in love!*
One thing I try to do raising girls is make sure they know they are pretty all the time because they were made in God’s image. They dress up and come to me and ask “Mommy am I pretty” and my response is always “You’re pretty no matter what you have on” I want them to know who they are is what makes them pretty not their clothes. Right now they are 7 and 3 and pretty is pink and glittery:) No body image issues, etc yet. And I have always been aware of food issues and such and tried to keep an eye on these things with them. My sister has real issues with food and body image and has said things in front of her daughters about loosing weight and clothes and they now repeating those things. I don’t make the girls eat when they aren’t hungry, they don’t have to clean their plates or anything like that and we do not have dessert except at special times or get togethers in hopes that they learn to eat when they are hungry and stop when they are full. Little treats are just that “treats” not meant to be over indulged in or abused. Too much of anything can turn into a bad thing. They still have to try foods before they can decide they don’t like them but we always try to offer them choices. The choices are usually all good food choices so no matter what they decide to eat they are choosing good stuff while feeling empowered. The world would be so much easier if our culture had never started idealizing the human form. It’s the root of so much sadness and comparison.
Since we are dealing with marriage in this blog, I can say this: If I “let myself go”, I am basically telling my husband that I don’t care. I don’t care about myself, I don’t care about our relationship.
Women want their husbands to be their dream come true. Handsome, charming, witty, and hopelessly in love with us. But he has dreams too, of a beautiful woman that loves and wants him. Weight and size are all relative, but attitude is everything. When my husband sees me working out and watching what I eat, he feels loved, even though I am still huge. I don’t think he really sees me, but he sees the beautiful woman he thinks I am. And I am grateful.
Wow, this is really timely for me! At least 10% of my weight is from what I’ve gained in the last year. My doctor won’t be pleased when I see her next. I’m trying to lose some of it before I go in!
I think how we talk about weight is important. People know I want to lose weight, and they tell me, “You don’t need to lose weight. You look fine.” That’s not helpful. I’m thankful they don’t think I look awful, but I KNOW I’m overweight, and I’d benefit from them saying, “I know you can do it!” On the other side of things, we can be so hurtful with our words. When I was about 16, before I lost 50 lbs, a couple guys would talk about some pretty cheerleader who shares my name. They would talk about how pretty she was, but would be quick to point out (in front of me) that they weren’t talking about me! So cruel.
I’m trying to accept myself the way I am, because I think I’m over-obsessing about my weight. That’s not what God has for me. But at the same time, I’m trying to get into better shape. I’m working out 5 or 6 days a week, and I’m TRYING to get back on a sensible diet.
Statistically, 95% of people who lose weight gain it back even with no change of their healthier habits, and often gain more. And health is not measured by body size – the diseases obese people often have are correlated, no proof of causation. Body diversity is part of how God made us, and assuming all fat people eat 5000 calories and lay around is ridiculous. Those are HABITS, not body types. And we don’t see most people’s habits. We have to respect and care for our bodies, and I agree how/where/when is tricky. That might be individual and to be worked out with God. But encouragement has to be about things we do, not ways we look. I don’t think it’s wrong to encourage women to fight the frump, or exercise for heart health, etc but telling anyone they need to be thinner is ignoring the evidence that says both most people can’t be thinner and that we can be healthier with lifestyle changes even if our weight doesn’t. Fat people face a lot of stigma, and that might be why there are more single heavy people (if there are) or why they’re dissatisfied (again, if they are). Also, we all face health challenges that we can’t know the root of, and being healthy is not one of God’s commandments. Like caring for the earth, caring for our bodies has to be weighed against our other responsibilities we’ve been given.
Not trying to start a fight here, but where did you get that statistic? Being extremely overweight IS the cause of a large number of diseases such as cancer, diabetes, heart disease, hormonal imbalance, infertility, MS, and so forth. And there ARE statistics to support this. You can CERTAINLY be healthy and overweight! But NOT if you don’t exercise and eat healthy.
But you’re saying two different things – that obesity is correlated with diseases (but there is no proof of causation) and that you can be healthy and fat if you have good habits, which is exactly what I’m arguing. Habits, not body size, are what we need to focus on. Here’s an idea about that: https://danceswithfat.wordpress.com/2012/04/19/study-healthy-habits-make-healthy-fatties/
Here’s one on the 95% figure: http://www.slate.com/articles/health_and_science/medical_examiner/2015/03/diets_do_not_work_the_thin_evidence_that_losing_weight_makes_you_healthier.html
I think we often get confused between what we look like and our worth. Our worth is based on that intangible, eternal core of our being. Our bodies are simply the tools we use to live our lives here on earth.
When I’m healthy, I can enjoy my life more because I’m not so tired, I can play with my kids, I have energy. No matter what shape my body is, I can find clothes to make it look stylish. Styles come and go, and all they really show is that we’re capable of noticing patterns and following them. So even though I choose to dress stylishly when I can, I realize that styles are fleeting and mostly meaningless. I know my true worth isn’t in my clothes or how my body looks.
Bodies are really quite amazing, actually. I still marvel at how my babies grew in there, with hardly any input from me. And I cringe at how my thoughts change in the winter when my SAD kicks in, and I spend those months trying to separate my core being from what my brain is wrongly telling me based on faulty neurochemical signals.
I think, when we’re comfortable with who we are (that indefinable core of ourselves that lasts forever), and we recognize that our bodies are just the paintbrushes we use to paint our lives (Glennon Doyle Melton says that, and I love it), and we want our lives to be healthy, then we’re getting somewhere good. And that’s something each of us has to do for ourselves, to learn to be comfortable in our own skin and to decide what we’re willing to do to feel healthy. I’m following Weight Watchers right now because it’s my choice: I gained weight over the winter because I ate lots of pasta and chips when I was feeling too tired and apathetic to eat the foods I knew would make me feel better, like vegetables. Sometimes, you’re just too sick to look after yourself, and that sucks, but I’m not going to beat myself up over SAD symptoms. I did what I could to be healthy in other ways, and it wasn’t a perfect winter, and now I’m losing weight and feeling better, and that’s okay. Life has its rhythms, and those are mine. I’m learning as I go.
I think if we could talk about our bodies in ways that respect each others’ worth and personhood, in ways that accept each other as we are and encourage each other to love ourselves more, that would be awesome. People are not objects. We get older, we get grey hair, our weights go up and down, we get sick, we get healthy, we have lots of leg hair or none, we like crazy hair styles or pony tails…. it’s all fine. It just is. There are so many things that are out of our control. I’d love to see each and every woman accepting herself as God made her. And every man, too. 🙂 My husband is getting bald, and he’s still the man I married, and why shouldn’t he get bald? Lots of men do. I got fat when we had babies, and he never batted an eyelash, and it made me love him more. We’re both getting grey and a little bit wrinkly around the eyes. I’m aiming for some good smile wrinkles.
So when you talk about body image and health and fleeting clothing styles, if you try to help us all constantly reframe how we view our worth, and to stop objectifying ourselves and others, I think that would be awesome. Great post today. 🙂
This is a great point! I think so much of life is our attitude and our heart. I know women who don’t take care of themselves because of low self esteem. They don’t recognize their worth and thus they don’t take care of their bodies. I think that that is a root cause of a lot of this. Albiet not ALL of it but a lot of it. I know that when I’m eating things that are good for my body and working out, I have more energy and i feel better about myself because I’m doing something FOR myself! Mental and emotional health is heavily tied into our eating habits and how active we are! I think it’s a heart issue and should be treated as such.
This is such an interesting topic! There are so many variables involved that its no surprise to me that it is a sensitive subject. I think you hit the nail on the head with habits. No matter what your situation, medical issues, non medical issues, we all have habits. And for the most part we know what our bad ones are, and the good, and we feel more confident, healthier, and happier when we are making those hard choices and pushing ourselves to do what we know we should be doing. And that could look very different from one person to the next. I think it’s a good area of prayer too, to pray for motivation for our families and selves for proper self care and exercise and the wisdom of what to do. Loving this discussion, thanks Sheila!
Sheila – I think one (more) piece of the conversation is stewardship. Having a healthy lifestyle, being active, and focusing on taking care of the body/life God has given us is a good perspective for me. Read an interesting blogpost (I could find it but have to run a boy across town!) that likened our bodies to a paintbrush, and our life to the art we create. (Rather than your body BEING the piece of art – our culture’s skewed view.) Sorry, gotta run!
One thing I really struggle with, and I apologize if this was covered in the comments already, I didn’t read them all, is that we have FINALLY figured out that my weight problems are medical. When I am taking the right medication I drop weight like crazy, when I don’t I gain like crazy without changing anything else except my medicine. For the longest time I couldn’t find a doctor who believed me when I told him that something wasn’t right. “Most” people see an overweight person and just assume that it is because of how he/she is eating. The Christian community is no different. I think we need to be honest about our sin of overeating, but at the same time we can’t just assume that we know what others are doing, I.e. overeating, being gluttonous, etc… If that makes any sense. And we also need to be more open to listening to our brothers and sisters.
Yes, I know my own daughter struggled with medications causing her to gain weight as well. She’s managed to lose it again, but it took so much longer to lose it than to gain it!
It helps to find a Dr. who is willing to hear what you have to say, and willing to work with you to find the correct medicine and regimes. I still have to do the work required, I can’t eat nonstop and sit all day and expect to be healthy. But at least now I am not exercising 5 days a week and eating well and still gaining weight. It helps me to feel better as well, so now I can focus on my husband and children.
I love that a woman is bringing up this subject. As a husband being married just over 2 decades and proud of it, I’ve had to learn more on my own without my wifes help than I ever wanted. What I mean is ; women need to learn how to learn to love them selves for who they are as they are. I understand that isn’t easy which is why I don’t understand why that seed isn’t planted in the mind of every little girl. Sex has been an issue since after our first child was born. I knew there was no lack of appeal for my wife. I knew there was an issue and I knew I had to learn what her thoughts were.
She’s always been pretty, smart, attractive, intuitive, full of laughter and SEXY! Always, Always, Always. However no amount of words could ever get past the obstacle of her emotional wall. It seems as though sex will be there if women learn how to feel ok talking about themselves rather than having the standard table talk that even men can find themselves around. Im starved for connecting conversation. There’s so little communication when it begins it triggers a fight. I could go on and on. Trying to sum it all up into this post isn’t easy. Please take it easy on me. I’m still learning.
I think you hit the nail right on the head, Sheila! My two cents worth would be this:
“Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own?”
I Corinthians 6:19
There is beauty in that we women all have different body shapes and sizes! I inherited “skinny genes” since I’m part Filipino, and I am seeing now that even thin people are being “body shamed”. No one seems to think about the role genetics might play, and how hurtful it is to be called anorexic when you were just born the way you were! (So I’m on the flip side of things!) It’s true that after having kids, your body won’t be the same. It’s also true that no matter what size you are, if you don’t eat healthy and exercise, you’re not in good health. I was skinny and out of shape for a long time, but since kickboxing, I’ve burned fat and gained muscle and feel way better than I’ve felt in a long time! I’ve still got my “mom flab” from having two babies, and I do have a bit of cellulite and fat in places I don’t like, but ultimately, I’m happy with my body because I try to take care of what God gave to me to honor both Him and my husband (and myself!) I want my kids to see how important it is to take care of themselves. It’s not THE most important thing, for sure, but if we take better care of ourselves now, we might have less health problems in the future. The main thing is, we need to stop with the excuses, and honor God by honoring ourselves with our bodies -not just how we act or what we do with them, but how we treat them.
This is such a tricky topic to navigate, and I agree that the focus should be on health, not weight. For those that are struggling, I totally get it. I have a serious medical condition that requires a lot of medication to keep me stable…and unfortunately all of them cause weight gain. I also am actually allergic to exercise (and any other kind of physical exertion), and my doctors told me to just get used to he number on the scale creeping up as nothing I could do would change it. Just over a year ago, we came across a book about an eating plan called Trim Healthy Mama (you can borrow it from your library, or search for it on Facebook) – written by two Christian sisters and centred on finding fulfillment in God rather than in food and eating food in a way that is most nourishing to our bodies. It has radically changed our lives, and hubby and I have both lost a significant amount of weight. But even better, we now don’t rely on the emotional ties of food and are not in bondage to cravings and sugar highs. We genuinely feel better, and are happy to have gained knowledge that will help us as we navigate the tween and teen years with our kids.
Would you and others like to hear from a man’s perspective? Color coated? Or, the real deal. I could offer a few thoughts from a man’s view.
For me, I am in a really bad spot with my weight/health/BMI/ and frump. My husband hoes off to work daily so he has to be presentable. I stay home. I can stay in my sweats all day and he comes home to a grumpy frump. 🙁 I feel stuck. He and I both deserve more. When I am at a healthier weight I am more fun to be around and also more flirty. I haven’t been ‘in the mood’ for weeks if not months. That’s NOT good and my weight is a huge part of it. Only in my min though since he still would like to be with me. Thanks for all you share.
Thank you for this post; I hope you write more on this subject! There is actually a chapter written on the same subject in For Women Only, which I appreciated.
I am 5’3, and have always had a sturdy build (even at a healthy weight for me, my BMI is bordering on obese!). I have had 2 children in under 2 years, so I am about 30 lbs. more than I should be. Since then, my confidence about my body has been low, but once sex is going, we have a great time! 😉
A few thoughts…
It may be helpful to discover what body shape you are so you have realistic expectations. X has large bust and hips, and small waist. H is pretty even with shoulders, waist, and hips. A has smaller shoulder and bust, with bigger hips. V has smaller hips with bigger bust and shoulders. It is futile to kill yourself trying to be an X if you are more an H shape! When we were younger, I had a friend who was trim but had a big bum. She tried everything to “lose weight there.” Looking back, she was an A!
As a commenter above noted, the Trim Healthy Mama way of eating has been a game-changer for so many people, and those with 100+ pounds to lose and those with varied medical issues have finally lost weight they never thought they could. I am trying to incorporate some of the plan myself.
Exercise is a silver bullet! It doesn’t have to be hardcore–even just going for a fast-paced walk. I’m currently using PrayFit, a 1/2 hour workout video… and my babies are usually right with me! 🙂 When you don’t feel like dieting, starting to exercise each day leaves you feeling toned and refreshed (even if you don’t yet look it!), and can begin to motivate you to make small changes in other areas. I haven’t lost any weight, but checking my measurements from 3 months ago, I’ve lost about 2″ in my stomach! I feel my confidence growing, and I would be content being 15 lbs. overweight if I was toned with daily exercise!
Yes! I’ve always felt like exercise in some ways was easier than dieting, because there are certain foods I just couldn’t give up. But getting toned is so important.
I like your idea of being realistic about your body shape, too.
Women (and men) need to first understand who they are in Christ. They need to understand how God sees them and begin to see themselves that way. When our confidence comes from our place in God’s kingdom, I think the other things begin to naturally (or supernaturally) fall into place.
When our hearts are changed by Christ, and we begin to live connected to Him constantly, He can lead us into better health.
The ever changing fads of sex appeal can be frustrating. I feel pressure to be fit. Fit is the new sexy. It isn’t just about dieting anymore. Now, you have to work out like an athlete and drink expensive shakes to get it. Even the way clothes are made and styles are introduced are meant for fit, firm bodies. I am in shape and maintain a healthy figure, but I am not fit and trim. Thankfully, Hubby prefers feminine softness, a layer of feminine fat (think Marilyn Monroe) rather than muscles and skin and low body fat percentages.
Porn’s affect in men is often denied by men, but I see it. When hubby indulges his eyes, even if it is just a TV series with too much sexiness, or a guy at work brings in a few Maxim magazines or something, he gets dissatisfied with me. Whether it is how I dress or wear my hair, or whether it is my bust size or figure. When he is clean from visual temptations and indulgences, he finds me so sexy and beautiful. I can always tell when he’s been indulging because he stops looking at me certain ways, a critical tone comes to his voice, and sex becomes more detached, rough, and selfish.
The temptation is for me to change me to fit whatever mold he placed in his mind, but I learned from my Creator that there is nothing wrong with me. The problem isn’t me not having balloon boobs or a different face. The problem is in the husband.
Young, fit, and trim IS attractive and beautiful, but it does not have a monopoly on sex appeal. Soft, feminine curves are super sexy, too. When I was pregnant and even post partum with that dough-belly, hubby loved the amplified femininity of it all. Goddess look, he called it.
My point is we ought to take care of ourselves without killing ourselves. Poise and posture are most important. Staying active, eating God-created foods (as opposed to man-made non-foods), and getting g enough real sleep are key. Some of us are created to carry more weight than others. We also live in a fallen world where some of us have to work harder than others to stay healthy.
Best bet is to ask God how to care for the body He gave you.
Thank you for sharing. This is a great article from a sincere perspective, which I always respect.
This comment might be perceived as harsh, but I ask that you read with an open mind.
I think this blog has pointed out that addiction to pornography, gambling, and drinking/drugs are bad for the person, bad for the spouse, and bad for families and that the addictions must be confronted and changes made. All of these addictions are habits that we developed because it allows us to escape from our true feelings and allowed us to escape from hurt, loneliness, etc.
I’m recovering from a pornography addictions, and there has been plenty of justifiably harsh comments about the damage this addiction causes. I also started resorting to food, and became 35 lbs overweight. I have now put my energy into exercise and trying to eat healthy.
I would challenge people to also consider that “over eating” (gluttony) is also an addiction of escape and can be just as destructive as pornography, gambling, or drinking/drugs. If you are 100 lbs overweight how can you be a fully present parent? How can you be a fully present spouse? How can you live up to your potential that God gave you? Are you going to be a health risk to your spouse and children?
Everyone has different body types and we do age, so we should not be held to the standards of models and movie stars. I also agree that being “sexy” is an attitude and should not be subjected to the standards of porn or Hollywood. However, I feel that obesity is just as destructive as pornography and I hope that as a society that we both better understand the mental battle that is required to overcome both of these addictions.
I think #7 is the one I try to focus on and my husband helps me to focus on as well. Sometimes when I say things about my body he will ask “Why is that important to you?” or “How will that support x goal?”
There are times though I am insecure and take comments that he says personal. I get to reflect on why I react the way I do sometimes.
This is of course, a HOT topic, that could go on for years. I will offer my thoughts as a grown married man of 16 years. I UNDERSTAND everyone is different and SOME may have medical conditions and other issues. However, I will speak in general terms as it may or may not apply to most.
HATS off to women and all that you do and the many hats you need to wear; employee, daughter, church member, wife, neighbor ect. I’m glad I am a man, it seems easier.
To address this topic, one should AND must be intellectually and emotionally honest with themselves. Example, I either quit smoking or I don’t. While it may be harder for some then others, at the end of the day you with quit or don’t. If you don’t quit smoking, you can blame others or how hard it is, but push come to shove, you choose to keep smoking. ( I quit 30 years ago, some did not)
MEN ARE VISUAL, everyone should know that by now. Sorry, it is what it is. Most men would prefer a women that has a few extra pounds that is more frisky in bed and more then once a week, compared to a super model. However, we are responsible for part of our body image are we not? Yes, we do have different body types, but through what we eat and how we move during the day, it does make a difference.
HEALTH is of utmost importance! In general, if you get more healthy, you will look better. People often like to make excuses to justify how they appear, as we make excuses to not pursue a given result.
Where is the magic number on the scale? It is elusive and different for each of us. If a person says they tried to lose weight and they really did not loose more then a few pounds, does that mean its time to sit on the couch and watch Netflix all night while eating ice cream? As a husband, I don’t expect my wife to weigh the same as when we got married after three kids, but could she? PLEASE DON’T SMACK ME, (I smacked myself), but let’s address weight after children. I have co workers that had five kids, excercise an hour a day and watch what they eat and their weight is the same. Another coworker has one children, and she uses it as an excuse to not loose weight. Think about it, there are many reasons to excuse what you know you should be doing. It also goes along with fighting the frump. You try to look your best or you don’t. I either shave everyday because my wife prefers that I do, or I don’t and say its the weekend, its a hassle, I don’t have time.
A HUSBAND”S LOVE for his wife should not be dependant on how she looks or what the scale says. But if for the first 10 years of marriage she was 145, and now she is 200, she use to dress well, now comes home and wears ugly pajamas, use to do her hair, now just lets it be. See what I mean? Interesting.
AS A MAN, I notice women that go through a divorce, (not addressing reasons or abuse) something magical happens: the weight goes down, the clothes are better, the hair is done, the nails are done, a little more make up. It seems that more effort is put forth once single and on the market again. Yes, men do the same thing. Hey honey, I don’t need to worry about that stuff now that we are married. Really? False advertising?
What happened if both men and women, married, even after 16 years till death, treated the spouse like they were still dating? Putting forth the effort that the other person means the world to you and want to show it daily? Some men like bigger women, some may not. I don’t care if my wife during the years gained a few pounds, but what about 25, 50, 75?
Full circle time, you either put in the effort as a priority or you don’t, IF, you need to lose weight. You also need to do it for yourself. You can lead a camel to water, but you can’t make them drink. If you need to lose weight, put in the time and effort and you will be surprised.
The magic number is up to you. You just need to have an honest conversation with yourself.
I love my wife dearly, but if she lost some weight and fought the frump, it makes the desert so much more yummy. As a man, when the wife says who cares, love me just like the person that I changed into, because I’m comfortable now in our relationship, its not that attractive. In fact, its hurtful.
This post really hit home. I struggled with weight for a long time, I had three babies in four years and couldn’t drop the weight no matter what diet I followed. I felt and looked terrible all of the time, couldn’t even look in the mirror when out trying on clothes in stores. Eventually I became a high-starch vegan, and lost a bunch of weight. The only thing is that my friends (who are overweight still, all in their 30’s to 50’s) make fun of my food choices. They’re nice people, all Christians, but now- though I’m finally super happy with my weight- I have to get all these comments every day. I feel like this is the case for a lot of thinner women, people assume all we eat are salads and carrots, etc(not true- I eat cookies, cakes, rice, potatoes, creamy sauces and all kinds of awesome foods still), or I get a lecture on why I shouldn’t be vegan, why I should eat meat and dairy. That lifestyle kept me fat, even though I ate perfect portions(I know because I actually used a scale and counted calories) and in moderation. So even though I finally found a way to lose the weight, I still get comments.
Frankly, I think most of our ‘normal’ American food is addictive, and it makes it all but impossible to give up. I had to do a short fast before I could change my eating habits, and did a few cleanses to get the junk out of my system. It took 3 months before the cravings stopped. I feel like a totally different person now! And I weigh the same as I did before I had kids!
That’s amazing! I do agree with you about the addictive qualities of a lot of foods. I’ve been trying to read up on cleanses lately but I don’t know which ones to try.
My cleanse that kick-started my vegan journey was based around bananas. I follow the advice of Dr. McDougall for my overall diet(no cost involved, he has guidelines free on his website), but before I started that regimen I did lots of bananas, along with kale and other fruits and greens for a week. Lots of smoothies. I also drank a gallon of water a day during that week. It actually caused me to give up coffee completely in three days, too, after drinking it for 14 years! 🙂 Now I wake up to a hot cup of chai tea with almond milk. 🙂
I have hated my body ever since I was a teenager; I’m 5′ 6″ and 237 lb. I am also broad-shouldered, with big feet and hands (I wear men’s gloves and take double-wide shoes). I decided some time ago that I’m not going to worry about what I weigh. I try to dress in colors and styles that flatter, of course, but I can’t change my genes. With my bone structure, I’ll never look like a wispy supermodel, and no amount of wishing will change that. What I’m trying to work on is being fit and healthy despite being big. Even if I never lose any actual weight, if I eat well and exercise regularly I will be healthy and strong. I have a green belt in tae kwon do, and I am inspired by my instructor. He has a few rolls around the belly, but you should see that man kick. He is strong and flexible despite being a bit overweight, and that’s my goal too.
I may not be pretty, but my body does a lot for me. I can beat my husband arm-wrestling. I can tote a 20-lb baby on one hip and a 30-lb toddler on the other. I can swing feed sacks and brimming five-gallon water pails around, and I can kick higher every week. Besides, I carry my family’s heritage in my looks. My mother and great-grandmother and I all look very much alike, and my daughter looks a lot like me.
This is an important topic and I think you wrote your thoughts well. I agree with many of the previous comments so I won’t repeat. But I have a new-to-me insight I’d like to share.
I recently read the book, “For Women Only” by Feldhahn. It’s a short book but not an easy read because of the topics covered. But it transformed our marriage (which was already amazing). It’s definitely a book where you pray first and ask God to help you learn what he wants you to learn.
So, my insight into this issue after reading that book: The vast majority of Godly husbands make a daily, or even hourly, commitment to keep their thoughts pure and honoring of their wives. They are bombarded with intentionally sensual images that get burned into their brains. But they resist — for us.
Yes, we women have hormonal issues, pregnancy, etc that can make resisting excess food and gluttony a BATTLE. But we can do it for our husbands. Our husbands delight in our bodies. They crave their woman and they want us to take care of ourselves. They get immense pleasure from our healthy, womanly bodies and many men do find it hard when their wife eats unhealthy foods, doesn’t exercise, and dresses sloppily.
I’ve always tried to stay fit but this knowledge has given me fresh fuel for the battle.
Well said Lisa. Thanks for the encouraging words. History, and even the Bible, offer ample evidence that a “natural man” is easily tempted, and not inclined to faithful commitment. I have no clue what it’s actually like to be a woman, but it’s really tough to be a mentally and physically pure man, especially in today’s internet-connected and promiscuous culture. Godly men flee from their sinful natures and commit to purity of thought and behavior to honor and love our wives and our Savior.
Oh, and I’m BUSY homeschooling mom. I know how hard it is to fit in exercise when you often forget to brush your teeth because you’re so frazzled.
I want to share what has transformed fitness for me. (I don’t sell this, it’s not an mlm or anything like that.)
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Hi Shelia! I think you did a fine job in the actual article…but as a Christian woman who blogs about body image, I would encourage you to take another look at the “love your body” language you mentioned in comments. As one of the commenters about said, telling someone who loathes their body to “love their body” doesn’t help. But, beyond that I truly believe this is an area where we’ve just allowed the language of our culture to be our Christian position. The culture preaches that we are to “love ourselves, just as we are” while at the same time sending us messages we should look different. I think, as Christians, we need to reject both messages. I struggled with disordered eating for most of my life. I thought marriage would fix my body image struggles and, instead, they worsened. It wasn’t until I found freedom to recognize that loving my body wasn’t the goal that I was able to find freedom. I believe as Christians we are called to love Jesus, not cellulite. There’s no Biblical mandate to love one’s body — only to care for one’s body (some will cite the “love your neighbor as yourself” verse here -but I think, if you research that, you’ll find it a poor interpretation-especially since it is the only verse in the Bible to mention self-love. Anyway, I wrote more about that here on my blog (Compared to Who). It’s a tricky topic –but I believe freedom on this issue comes for women when they start loving Jesus more than the idea of a better body. Out of a love for Jesus we can cultivate a natural and healthy desire to obey him and take care of the bodies he’s given us. But, we don’t have to put our focus on “having great temples” rather on worshipping the one who gave them to us. 🙂 http://comparedtowho.me/2016/04/28/christian-perspective-on-body-positivity/
Lots of great perspectives in this post! It just proves how diverse people are in the way that they view different aspects of appearance, health, confidence, etc. Full disclosure; I’m a man and have no idea what it is truly like to understand or feel this issue from a woman’s point of view. The reason that I read blogs like this one is to at least attempt to better understand my wife, daughter, and female friends (both out of love and empathy for them, and in hopes of staying out of trouble!).
The comments in this thread show that women are concerned with weight/body image for many different reasons. Based on many of the comments, how their husband sees them is an important reason, at least for some. At the risk of pressing in where I’m not welcome, I’ll try to address this issue for any readers who are curious as to how their weight/body fat may affect their husband. I really don’t wish to offend, so please ignore this if you’re not interested in a male view.
It’s important to note that, where a woman’s weight/body fat is concerned, men are not “one size fits all”. Each man has a PREFERENCE for different types of women, and please don’t believe that all men want a woman with large breasts, thin waist, etc. I know men who prefer large women with some “meat on their bones”, thin, girlish women, athletic women, soft bodied women, tall, short, light skin, dark…. If it’s important to you that your husband is physically attracted to you, the important question should be “what’s my man’s preference”, not “how do other people see me”.
As to their wive’s weight/appearance, most good, rational, reasonable men don’t expect physical perfection in their wives, and we ARE actually highly attracted to qualities of inner beauty like godliness, good character, confidence, emotional health, etc. It is ALSO an undeniable fact, that we are hard-wired to be visually stimulated, and a woman’s appearance is the very first thing that we notice, before we make an effort to discover deeper qualities. For many men, the amount of body fat that a woman carries is one important aspect of the attraction.
If you are married, it is an almost certain fact that your husband was initially attracted to you by your outer beauty, then had his interest in you increased by your inner beauty. If you currently bear a reasonably close physical resemblance to the woman you were when he first became interested in you, the odds are very high that he still finds you physically attractive. If he no longer seems attracted to you, your weight probably isn’t the main issue. On the other hand, if you have gained a large amount of weight since earlier in your relationship, your husband may very well not be AS physically excited about you as before, although he probably still loves you very much, and may even honestly say that he still thinks you’re beautiful (even if he would find you more beautiful if you were thinner).
I am overweight, and have been working out faithfully for almost 2 years. Last year my husband, who really wasn’t overweight started working out with me. I started dieting in February, and have lost 26 pounds. Together, we are getting fitter, and changing our body shapes. He is thrilled with what I have accomplished even though I am still really fat. What has changed is my goal and my attitude, which apparently is attractive. So for me, its not just about being thin, but just the process of taking care of myself and my body, and of wanting to be more attractive and confident is a great help. And my husband appreciates the effort that I am making.
I will never be a size 6 and I am ok with that. What I can do is glorify God with my body, which will be under control.
Exactly! I think that’s so key–our attitude and how we feel about ourselves. When we know we’re making positive changes, the confidence shines and that changes everything else, too!
For me life stages has played an intricate part of where I landed on the scale. I have been blessed with a husband who thinks I am beautiful no matter the number on the scale. God made our husband’s visual. And I believe if that’s the way God made him then it can’t be wrong as long as my body is the one he thinks about. I make sure I give him much to think about while we are apart. He tells me he catches himself remembering something I have said or an article of clothing I have worn while at work. He says it makes him want to get home to his wife who makes him feel important. We in turn take long walks with great conversations. I think this subject is very important to have with our spouses. Thank you for sharing.