How do you help a husband who struggles with depression?
Every Monday I like to post a reader question and take a stab at answering it. And today’s question is about how to encourage your husband when you can’t seem to reach him because you’re scared he’s depressed. A reader writes:
My husband is a good man who is struggling. He feels isolated and unloved in our church even though he is an elder. He feels constantly criticized, and sees criticism as an entirely negative thing. In fact, he seems to see most things in a negative light these days, and while he seemed to be the life of the church a few years ago and very loved, he has withdrawn a lot and now I think is becoming more genuinely isolated. Both my pastor and I (the people who know him best spiritually) have separately told him he has problems with aggression and taking things too personally, but he vehemently disagrees, and thinks all his pain is other people’s fault. We have also suggested he may be suffering from depression, or should see a counsellor, but that also upset him as he felt we were trying to blame him. He now feels so alienated that he wants to leave our church, which I love.
I’ve just now found all your warnings about enabling and am worried I’ve been doing this. I’ve often told him I thought he was wrong, to the point that he feels I’m unsupportive, but have always done it as gently as possible and have sometimes ignored issues out of fear of conflict.
I’m afraid if I give him a really hard time he will feel completely alone. And I know his pain is real, even if he has made mistakes, so it’s really difficult knowing how to offer consolation along with an opportunity for change. He’s a loving husband and father, a good elder and leader, theologically astute and principled. Just struggling.
Great question! Let’s take a stab at it today.
I’m going to give some random thoughts that may or may not be relevant for the letter writer, since we don’t know a lot of the background (what behavior really worries her? Does he erupt in anger? Is the aggression at home too? Has he simply become silent? What’s his work life like?). Let’s start with if the problem really is dangerous:
If there is danger involved, you need to get help.
I’m not sure what’s really happening here, but if the aggression she’s noticing means that she or the kids don’t feel safe at home, then this woman really needs to get some help. And if you ever feel in danger, please call the police.
But perhaps you feel that he is a danger to himself. Maybe he’s getting so depressed that you’re worried he may hurt himself. Or maybe he’s getting so down that it’s affecting his ability to hold a job. In this letter writer’s case, the fact that her husband seems to feel persecuted could very well be a sign of mental illness.
In that case, he may require some medication. Sometimes mental illnesses crop up and we don’t identify them that way because it seems as if there may be other explanations for the mood swings or personality changes.
Talk to him frankly about going to see the doctor. Have a friend or family member talk to him with you, if necessary. Insist that you’re not saying he’s a bad person or that he’s crazy, but that you hate to see him suffering when there may be a solution. Ask him to do this as a favour to you.
Mental illness is far more common that we think, and it usually takes people completely by surprise. If you think your husband is suffering from this, and he won’t get help, reach out to some support groups or see your physician and ask for advice on what to do and what warning signs to look for.
But let’s assume now that it’s NOT mental illness. Then what could the problem be?
Church Boards Can Be Toxic Places
My husband served on a church board once. Before he went on the board we thought the church was actually quite healthy.
Then he saw up close and personal how churches are often run. That board spent two years debating something which Keith felt was so inanely stupid. I was a praise team leader, and they were debating whether it was okay for me, as a female, to lead the congregation in prayer (“God, we come before you this morning to worship you. To praise you. Let the concerns of the week float away as we look upon Your face”). And whether, when I would read a Bible verse between songs (“Better is one day in your courts then thousands elsewhere”) and offer a commentary (“Let’s enter into His courts today”) I was therefore preaching.
He fought hard. People started to ostracize him. The meetings went later and later, and he’d often come home after midnight. It was exhausting.
He saw how the board treated the pastor. He saw how there were bullies on the board.
And when Keith finally won that fight (after two years), he declined serving another term.
We left that church a few years later.
He has since been asked to be on more boards. He has always said no. He just find that church boards think too small, and we can get more done for the kingdom by spending our energies outside the church walls. It seriously wasn’t good for his mental health.
I know some people have to serve on boards, and perhaps, if we were ever part of a really healthy church and the other people on the board were healthy, Keith may say yes again. But I understand how church boards can chew people up and spit them out.
It took a few years after stepping down off of that board for Keith to become himself again. He went through the darkest period of his faith because he questioned so much of church life after seeing it behind the scenes. Perhaps, then, our letter writer’s husband simply needs to get off of the church board.
There’s a difference between struggling and sin.
I do believe in not enabling sin. If the husband is throwing temper tantrums or acting really aggressively at home, this is a real concern.
But I also know that God looks at the heart, and in this case perhaps the problem is not a sinful heart issue as much as it is a wounded or broken heart issue.
If you read the Psalms, they’re often David just weeping and crying out to God. Perhaps sometimes David is blowing things out of proportion. But after years of being chased and being attacked, he sees the world in such a negative light.
God was so patient with David, and God knew that He was struggling.
Personally, I think that when anxiety, depression, and anger flow from toxic experiences, it isn’t a character issue as much as it is an issue of brokenness and woundedness that needs to be healed, and God does want to heal that. Our role, then, is not to try to change a character issue in our husbands as much as it is to step back so God can work.
Sometimes healing from brokenness, though, takes time.
He has to fully grieve what he’s lost, and he seems to have lost his personality here and his outlook on life. For whatever reason he’s become really disillusioned.
My husband had to struggle and wrestle with God for a few years before he was able to pray and rejoice again. And my job during that time was not to attack him for doubting and not to force him to talk to me about it, but just to pray alongside him. He did come through it, because God carried him.
Stay a safe place for him.
If your husband is walking through a time where he is struggling with his faith, are you a safe place where he can talk about his doubts? Or do you try to convince him why his doubts are invalid? Can he talk to you without incurring your judgment? Can you step back enough to let him process his thoughts, knowing that he’s safe in God’s hands?
My husband is an extrovert, which means that he processes things by talking about them out loud. I think one of the reasons his period of doubt took so long was because he didn’t talk about these things because he didn’t want to worry me. If I had done a better job of being a sounding board, perhaps he could have talked through things more.
In this case, her husband says he wants to try a new church, but the letter writer loves their current one. If your husband is hurting that much in that church, perhaps he knows more of what’s going on than you do. Please support him in this and agree to go. It sounds like he really needs it.
Let him know that you support him
Most men will go through times, often lasting several years, where they struggle with anxiety or depression because of church life, because of their jobs, or because of family. It’s quite common. At some point in your marriage, you’re likely to go through this.
So what do we do during those times?
We can try to tell them all the reasons why they should feel the way they feel (which is extremely unhelpful and often belittling), or we can help them process things and work through their feelings.
My husband has a line he likes to always say at marriage conferences to the guys:
A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for free.
Can you just ask your husband questions, without trying to change him? Things like:
- How did that make you feel?
- Why do you think that person reacted that way?
- What do you feel that God is saying in this situation?
- That must have really hurt you. Have you ever felt hurt like that before? Has that hurt reminded you of something else?
- What do you think would have been a better way for them to have handled that?
- What do you wish you had said then?
- What would it take to get this situation to change?
- Is there value in keeping fighting, or is it time to make a change?
Just ask questions that will help him dig deeper and process things. And maybe your husband’s time in the wilderness won’t last too much longer!
Read more about what to do when your husband struggles with faith here.
I’m not sure if that’s a lot of help, because I really don’t know if the problem with this letter writer is connected to the church board, is related more to unhealthy anger or aggression, or is a symptom of mental illness. But the big thought that I wanted to give to you all today is to let ourselves be safe places for our husbands when they are struggling. Not all doubt and anger and sadness is sin. Some is just disillusionment and disappointment and doubt, and these things need to be worked through. Be his ally during this time, and don’t attack him. Maybe the reason that God chose you as your husband’s wife is for just a time as this!
Let me know in the comments: have you ever had to help your husband through a period where he was struggling? What made it better? What made it worse? Let’s talk!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
When I was in counseling, I learned a great phrase for keeping someone talking: “Tell me more about that”. It’s great for getting a person to dig deeper, whether it’s someone feeling frustrated about an outside issue, or just getting my (homeschooled) kids to give me a more thorough narration of the book they just read. An inviting tone of voice and a look of interest on your face go a long way too.
Love that!
I can really relate to both the heartache of the situation and Sheila’s response. In our case my husband was a pastor and like many other former ministers the last experience we had was one that has catapulted depression and sadness. It has been a few years and attending church at all for my husband is like continually returning to the hospital where you keep contracting the same staph infection but hoping this time it will heal. Especially in the denomination with which we were involved. While church is apart of who we are, we are no longer apart of it. We love God, but seeing the depression in my husband is heart breaking. To badger him into attending church would not bear good fruit.
I will admit not having Christian friends to encourage us can be lonely. To be honest it has become exhausting for my whole family and has effected us all. However I have learned the same as suggested above.. get out of the way and let God heal. Be there. Often silently. “Words of wisdom” and scripture verses used as ” what you need to do statements” only make matters worse. Some days I see remnants of the loving, caring and pastoral heart that he has hidden away. And for those days I am greatful. The other days I understand he isn’t living in sin, but pain. I Pray for strength, because some days it seems easier to give up. I have chosen to not push him but instead just love him through this empathetically. I could go on but really love and empathy are a good start.
Love this, Sue: “The other days I understand he isn’t living in sin, but pain.” Yes! We need to be able to distinguish that and to be patient with our husbands when they’re in pain, just as God is patient with us.
It’s totally okay for him to take a break — sometimes that is exactly what’s needed to heal. If your husband had a broken leg and was in traction, it would be obvious why he couldn’t go. It’s like that still. He has to be still and recover, and that’s okay.
For your sake, if you’re missing companionship, maybe you can try something affiliated with a church or group, but not an actual church thing. Like, I go to a morning workout class at a church near me. Or when I was a baby and my parents had moved to a new city, they didn’t have a church to go to for awhile. They started a neighborhood Bible reading — literally, they would just read a verse and then chat, because not a single couple was in the same denomination. But it was fellowship.
{{hugs}}
This sounds so much like my husband! He has adrenal exhaustion and most likely depression as well, and has been under a concerted attack of the devil for some time now. He is struggling. I’d like to share some of things I have found to be helpful now that he is slowly recovering.
1) Pray! This is first and foremost a spiritual battle. Remember also that God wants his wellbeing and recovery even more that you do!
2) This is also a battle for his health. My husband is worn out and worn down. He needs physical nurturing – good nutrition, gentle exercise, healthy sleep patterns. Encourage this as much as possible.
3) He is defensive and feels criticised. He needs to know that you are on his side. Remind him frequently that you love him and that you’re in this together. I have a tendency to want to paint the silver lining on my husband’s clouds. That annoys the life out of him! I’m learning to just listen and acknowledge his pain and struggles. Save the bright side for a separate conversation! Right now he needs to know that I understand and that I am on his side.
On this note, he also needs to learn to relax again. You really want him to view home as a ‘safe’ place – a place where he is understood and loved. Try not to ask very much of him at the moment. My husband has huge responsibilities at work and church, plus we have a young family so there is always someone wanting a piece of him. For this reason I make a point of looking after things on the home front as much as I can and making his home time peaceful and positive as much as possible.
4) He is withdrawn and isolated. Gently encourage positive interactions with others who you have confidence in – especially people from church since this is where the tensions seem to be coming from. Arrange a casual coffee date with another couple; take a family on a picnic; get one of his old mates to take him fishing/shooting/whatever; have some folks over for a meal. It’s important that these interactions remain positive and light-hearted. You want him to let down his guard and start viewing these people as friends again (but remember this will likely take some time).
All of this is a process – he won’t heal overnight and you won’t hit on the magic formula to help him immediately either but I hope some of this is helpful!
That’s great, Mary! I think this reminder is especially important: “I have a tendency to want to paint the silver lining on my husband’s clouds. That annoys the life out of him!” Most women, I think, have this tendency, but in a way it kind of babies him, as if his concerns aren’t serious. It’s rather belittling. Great thoughts!
Thank you Mary for your suggestions too. Wanted to chime in on nutrition as I have learned a lot about it in the past year since seeing a wellness doc. Physical health plays a much bigger part in our mental well-being than we give it credit. So if someone is eating garbage that is how they will feel. Get him some CoQ10, fish oil, and good B vitamins for a start is my suggestion.
My fiance has been going through depression over some things and will get stuck and ‘check out’ with TV and not talk. It’s hard for me to keep things light-hearted then and be patient as my method of problem-solving is much more direct and heavy-handed, plus I have been through a lot of therapy in the past so I know the path to the solution. So thank you so much for reminding me to be patient, keep it light, be a safe positive place for him rather than making him feel like he’s under a spotlight.
Listening and helping him realize his concerns are valid to you makes a huge difference!
My husband and I chose to take a sabbatical from church for a while. Every Sunday we were leaving the service tired and down-trodden. We needed to step away for a while and just quiet ourselves. We did this a few times as we struggled with so many questions and discomforts. Finally, we resigned from our ministries and chose to leave the church. It has been a blessing to both of us.
It is easy to leave a church when it goes off the deep end. The church we left had no red flags, no sin issues, no crazy theology or doctrine. Everyone was nice, and loving, and had been church friends for so many years. But we couldn’t shake the feelings of depression, frustration, and discomfort being there. We dreaded going even though we couldnt put our finger on why.
It was 2 years of prayer and discussion, and we decided God was calling us elsewhere. So, I challenge you two to consider your church and how you feel about it.
It is tough and brings on depression and aggression because it is a battle. A huge battle. There are so many questions. Am I falling away? Is the church falling away? Is God leading us elsewhere or am I just using that as an excuse because my nose is bent? Why am I upset? I don’t know. I can’t put my finger on it, but I feel I cannot continue….yadda yadda.
Abandon feelings, abandon logic and reason, and look to God for your answer.
Thank you for mentioning the church board issue. We just left a church after 15 years. In our case it was me who saw the treatment by the pastor and wife and a board who wouldn’t stand up to them. Yet the pastor and wife were so sneaky about how they treated me that my husband didn’t believe me at first. It took another friend who saw how I was treated when he wasn’t there and another couple who were treated even worse to help my husband see that I wasn’t crazy. We believe the mental illness lies with the pastor and his wife. Three times of half of the church board finishing their term and then disappearing from the church. Support staff who resign suddenly but we have since learned that often the resignation letter is written for them. I have commented here in the past but not willing to use my name this time because I still have fear of them. A Christian counselor has helped me to walk this path. Also a book “Healing Spiritual Abuse” by Ken Blue. It helped me see that I wasn’t crazy. It was a toxic situation. I hope the letter writer will hear the thought that the church may not be what she thinks it is. Spiritual abuse can be very sneaky.
Guys, I wrote the letter. Thanks so much for your wise counsel. My husband isn’t dangerous to anyone, he can just write some fierce emails when upset, and that can impact our relationships. In the home, he’ll show me he’s upset, but he doesn’t give me real anger. As I said, he’s just a good man who’s struggling. The reason I thought he was depressed was because I often felt his perception of issues was so different – perceiving personal slights where it seemed clear to me none was intended, for example. Seeing lots of things in a very negative light. But now I’m wondering if that was because he’s had some genuine hurts and was finding it hard to trust people.
Our church is a loving place too; there’s some tension on the board, but it’s just that – personal tension, not abuse or corruption. We’ve gone through some big life changes lately, which have added to his stress levels, and we both find a lot of our identity and community in the church, which is why it’s so hard to leave. As it happens, I’m thankful to say that things are on a more even keel after many months. But I know there’s still hurt underneath, and maybe it is time to at least visit some other churches. I think too that a lot of my problem was a negative thought cycle – I let my frustrations and fears build and build the more I thought about them.
For a while I felt that every time I let an ungodly attitude in my husband go unaddressed, I was enabling sin, but now I see that my criticism just made him feel more besieged and alienated. So I’m going to try a campaign of understanding and try to see more of where he’s hurting and how I can be a support. As a wife it’s so hard sometimes to know when to offer advice and when to be a consolation. Still praying God grows that insight in me! Thanks again.
I’m so glad you chimed back in! Thank you. And I’m glad things are going better!
Yes, it is hard to tell the difference between enabling sin and just giving someone room to heal. I think that’s why we need the Holy Spirit, really. There isn’t always a formula. We have to go to God and ask what He’s trying to do in our husband’s life. God is so patient with us when we’re struggling, and I think we need to be patient with our husbands, too!
{{hugs}}
THIS IS LONG – BUT YOUR STORY IS MINE IN SO MANY WAYS, especially when you say “you ignore some issues out of fear of conflict”. Maybe just a part of my story is yours, or maybe all. But here it is; use what is useful.:
FALSE or BAD HABITS & TRAINING: My husband’s childhood and natural brain-chemistry left him emotionally delicate, anxious, depressed and feeling criticized, even though he is smart, capable, and loving. He interpreted anything less than 100% agreement and encouragement as a personal insult. We both came to the marriage with baggage; so even with our devotion, faithfulness, love & admiration for each other, we had a hard time Assuming Love [other great websites – http://www.assumelove.com and http://www.the-generous-wife.com]. His anxieties led to emotional abuse of me and my method of fixing/avoiding just promoted the cycle. I walked on eggshells, but the harder I tried the worse it got. Anything could be a trigger and I was exhausted and anxious. I had to thicken my skin and rely on the Lord to be my source of joy, because DH was so unpredictable. If DH had not finally chosen to pursue mental health, we’d be separated now. It’s twisted that diabetics see endocrinologists, and CEOs will see life coaches; but Americans have trouble asking for help with ‘mental’ health when they need a biochemical doctor (which an endocrinologist is) or a counselor (which a life coach is).
COUNSELING: I found a great counselor who helped me brace for possible separation for my and my kids’ safety while DH worked hard to change his emotional reflexes. I was determined not to divorce, but knew we might need time apart to de-escalate, regroup, and save our marriage. If DH hadn’t been tired of feeling like he did, then we’d be separated now. But DH wanted a better marriage, and he wanted it more than he wanted to not go for counseling. My counselor helped me to recognize impending anxiety episodes and develop strategies to deal with them. She also identified ways I gave mixed messages or put myself down (when I just thought I was being flexible) and gave me new words to express what I needed that didn’t minimize his feelings. He found a great counselor, and he worked hard. If your DH can blame others, he will. Don’t argue with him (more below). In this respect he may be too emotionally fragile, and he must feel that you love even all his ugly bits before he’ll look inward and admit that he needs help with them.
PRAYER: We both prayed a lot: quietly, out-loud, individually and together. We cried a lot. And then we prayed some more. I didn’t pray so much that he’d get better (because I didn’t know what he needed), but I prayed that God would soften his heart and put the right people before him. I didn’t pray for happiness, but I prayed for the strength to stay while DH isolated himself from us. I prayed that I would use the right words (the counselor gave me) instead of falling back into my old habits. Please pray to God that you can see your husband as God does, broken and in need of love. You cannot change him or reason him into wanting to change. Pray to God that you can accept your husband as he is now because NOW is all we have (even if that means you feel like you’re a single parent and he’s like a child). Like one commentator said, to paraphrase, be ready to embrace the good encounters and tell him after one that you “enjoyed the walk/the snuggle/the quiet meal/the talk without the yelling”. Pray that the Lord gives you loving eyes to see him with. If what DH wants doesn’t degrade you, hurt you, or open you up to risk, then assume he may be right. Few men will open up or want to change for a wife that is always doubting them or questioning them. You probably both have very different points-of-view; and from his perspective he sees plenty of evidence that you think he isn’t cutting it. Prove him wrong. Find things to admire about him and let him know. And if you don’t believe it, don’t say it; rather pray to God that you can see him in that way and after you do believe it, say it.
DIET-BRAIN CONNECTION: And he found a great psychiatrist who diagnosed him with 3 gene defects that mean his cannot make/use serotonin (a major feel-good hormone) the way he should. So adopting good practices is vital, but no amount of anything else would have fixed the serotonin issues. So he’s now taking meds that work for him. And we changed the way we ate. Our food is our first medicine. Adding more veggies, lots of beans, more fish, nuts and fewer processed foods improved our energy, mood and his BP. Eat simply and avoid food that wouldn’t grow in a garden or graze, peck, swim. The processed and chemical ingredients added to the USA’s food supply do weird things when we eat them every day. DH and I still eat lots of fat, real butter, meat, DARK chocolate and once a week dessert/pizza; but gone is the cereal, cheap bread, margarine and other ‘manufactured’ food. Cooking might be the hardest thing to change, because it and food is such a part of our tradition, identities and memories. And if you think I’m exaggerating the importance of diet, trust me, I’m not.
THE GREAT DECEIVER: I’m not sure the devil started any of our problems, but he was more than happy to take advantage of them. And he excels at planting seeds of doubt. In today’s throw-away society and messages that if you’re not happy 24-7 then you should move on, it was tempting to think that we could walk away from each other and still find happiness. Open your Bible up to Proverbs and drink it in.
THE GOOD NEWS: Our relationship is almost unrecognizable compared to just 15 months ago. We are more in-tune, respectful, and supportive of each other, in both our shared goals and our different hobbies. We no longer have evenings where we hide away at opposite ends of the house, and our boys don’t see me crying every day or always ask why Papa’s so upset. So please don’t give up. If you both want it to change and are willing to put in the effort, then with Jesus’ help you can build your marriage up. Pray in all things, but also pursue good clinical help. Shop around till you find the right counselors (religious, medical, and/or psych). Focus on doing fewer things with others and more with your spouse. We did quiet things together even if we didn’t feel like it [going for walks mostly, because it was the only thing we could do without arguing and it showed each other that we still wanted this marriage]. Then we prayed some more. Now I miss him when we’re gone from each other all day and I find joy in his company. I will pray for you both.
God bless,
What a GREAT story! I love the diet stuff, too. So interesting! Thanks for sharing all of it; it’s really encouraging. So amazing what God did in your marriage!
Great article! I think I would try St John’s Wort before getting a prescription though. It’s cheaper and much safer – just saying. If that still doesn’t work, go see a Doc.
DH tried St. John’s Wort and other natural & prescription meds before finding the right chemicals for him. Both of his new meds replace 2 similar meds he was on. And he dropped his BP med completely. Marilyn’s right, start with natural remedies, like St.John’sWort, but remember that even natural remedies are medicines. St. John’s Wort can work, but it also increases miscarriage rates, as my good friend found out the hard way. If you pray, and God puts a good psychiatrist in front of you, don’t be too proud to go that route if nothing else works. On the spiritual side, I’ve begun reading Stormie Omartian’s “The Power of a Praying Wife”. It’s great, & I wish I read it 20 years ago.
My husband and I have attended our Church for 8 years. However, there has been a huge amount of turmoil there the last 4 years and we have debated time and again whether to leave but have stuck it out. The turmoil began when we went through an upheaval in our marriage and also in our extended family and with my health. Too many people found out at Church about our issues and got involved. Some advice was good, other advice just compounded our issues. It is a large church with a fantastic senior Pastor.
However, we have no community there. We don’t socialise with anyone there. Harsh words have been said between us and some others. Just this week, we found out a couple we know had been sharing things with an Elder and his wife behind our backs and they had all blocked us out of their lives without us knowing. We only found out because we tried to contact one couple for a catch up and realised what had happened. Angry words were said from them to us and accusations that are false and extremely hurtful. We are meeting with our Pastor next week to discuss.
There is a small community Church near where we live. We know some people there. When is it time to leave a Church? Conflict is in every Church and we are burnt and nervous of it happening someplace else. We are also nervous of the concept of a smaller church….surely there conflict is more obvious and harder to avoid?
Any advice on changing Churches would be greatly appreciated!