What does it mean to “resolve conflict”?
My husband and I have been speaking at marriage conferences together for about a decade, and wherever we go, we always have to give a big talk on resolving conflict.
No matter what group we’re speaking to, we’re always supposed to cover these issues (they’re universal, it seems):
- How to own your emotions and communicate effectively–ie. bringing up one issue at a time, using “I” statements (I feel upset when…) rather than “you” statements (you make me so mad when…), using correct body language, etc.
- How to listen effectively to your spouse’s concerns and show them that you hear them and understand them.
- How to control your anger.
- How to work through a decision when you truly don’t agree.
- How to forgive, and how to ask for forgiveness.
And Keith and I have a ton of stories that we can put into those points, and it’s all very well and good.
But the problem was that these points never seemed to fit together or flow really well. And when I wrote 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, I finally figured out what the problem was and why I had such a hard time squishing all my different thoughts about “resolving conflict” into one talk.
Here’s the problem in a nutshell:
We call too many things “conflict” that need to be “resolved”.
We’re blowing some things out of proportion by calling them “conflict”, and we’re minimizing other things at the same time.
Let me explain.
When we think of conflict, we think of an issue about which you disagree–he sees the world one way, and you see the world another.
In those situations, it makes sense to try to figure out how to come to a decision. It makes sense to learn to listen to the other person’s point of view, and to learn to express your own.
But the simple fact is that true disagreements, in most marriages, are actually rather rare. I counted it up, and in our marriage we have had 5 major disagreements: we disagreed on what house to buy when we first moved to our little small town; we disagreed on whether or not to continue homeschooling; we disagreed on whether or not to change churches; we disagreed on whether or not to put our son on the heart transplant list; we disagreed on whether to make Katie continue piano lessons or not.
In four of the five cases we eventually just came to an agreement together. In the first one, about the house, I finally recognized I was absolutely out of my gourd and he was totally right, and I’m so grateful now that he didn’t do things my way.
But just because there are only five times we’ve had a genuine disagreement that doesn’t mean that there are only five times that we’ve been upset at each other. On the contrary, I can probably count five times one of us has been at least mildly ticked off in the last week.
And here’s where the big revelation comes in: most of the time that we are ticked off at each other it is not about a big “conflict”.
It is just simply that we are misunderstanding each other and something is triggering some grumpiness.
This doesn’t require listening to the other’s point of view, usually. It doesn’t require coming to agreement. It usually just requires some time and some major chill pills.
Here’s another problem with the typical “resolving conflict” model: do you see which of those five initial points we haven’t talked about yet? Forgiveness and reconciliation. They’re always a huge part of a “resolving conflict” talk, yet it wasn’t necessary for Keith and I to forgive each other when we were trying to decide if Katie should take piano lessons or if we should switch churches. It was just a difference of opinion. There was nothing to forgive. And when I’m frustrated that Keith is 47 years old and he can’t make spaghetti without asking me for directions, he doesn’t need forgiveness and I don’t need forgiveness. I just need to take a deep breath and remind myself how awesome my husband is.
There are times we need to forgive. Those generally aren’t about disagreements, though. Those are about breaches of trust.
And so I have a new theory about conflicts which helps us figure out what the appropriate action is. Essentially, when we’re upset with each other the cause is usually one of three things:
1. Silly conflicts–we misunderstand each other, assume the worst, or just get grumpy
2. Serious conflicts–we disagree about an important matter
3. Sinful conflicts–someone has broken trust
By framing “resolving conflict” as something you do to find a resolution, we treat silly conflicts like they’re more important than they really are. Usually these can be solved with an attitude shift by the one who is offended, or by changing the way we act or react to each other. It doesn’t need to be a big deal.
But by framing “resolving conflict” as something that needs both of you to negotiate, we also downplay sinful conflicts, and treat them as if both spouses need to listen to each other and defer to each other. In most cases, one spouse has broken trust, and that spouse has to rebuild it. Yes, there may be underlying issues in the marriage that must be dealt with, but that can only be done after the sinning spouse has truly repented and started taking more action.
Incidentally, this is also why I’m really bothered by the people who define submission in marriage to mean that “he makes the decisions”. In a healthy marriage you will very rarely come to a standstill where you fundamentally disagree on something. If your only definition is that he decides things when you disagree, then you may never submit at all! Submission is about intentionally serving, and that makes it so much bigger, and ultimately more important.
So next time you feel ticked off, ask yourself: if this something we disagree on, something that somebody has sinned about, or am I just upset in general? That will tell you which route you should take to start feeling close again!
Once you’ve identified that, here are some resources to help:
Resolving Silly Conflicts: When You Just Feel Ticked Off
Believing the Best
Learning to Ask Your Husband for Help
The 5 Trigger Points for Conflict
Why Your Husband Won’t Meet Your Needs
Thought #2 in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage: I Don’t Have to Feel Ticked Off
Resolving Serious Conflicts: When You Just Don’t Agree
The Top 5 Approach to Resolving Conflict
Understanding the Issue in Conflict
Thought #7 in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage: Find the Win/Win!
Resolving Sinful Conflicts: When Someone Has Sinned
4 Things You Must Do if Your Husband Uses Porn
When You’re the One Who Needs Forgiveness
Top 10 Truths About Emotionally Destructive Marriages
Can You Get Past It? The Power of Forgiveness
Thought #6 in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage: I’m Called to Be a PeaceMaker, not a PeaceKeeper
Here’s why it’s important to know which one you’re going through: Sometimes I’ll give advice on this blog about believing the best about your husband to help you not get ticked off about little things–which is all very well and good. But if what you’re dealing with is a sinful conflict–like your husband refusing to get a job–then that’s exactly the wrong advice. Or I’ll talk about how to forgive, and if you’re ticked because your husband didn’t put his underwear in the hamper this morning, it will magnify that infraction to seem like more than it is. One size fits all advice doesn’t really exist.
That’s why it’s important to know: is it a silly thing, a serious thing, or a sinful thing? Most things, really, are just silly. But if you’re in a chronically sinful situation, then treating it like it’s silly conflict won’t help anything.
I hope this way of thinking about conflict helps. It certainly has helped me clarify things, and now I’m much quicker to take a deep breath and say, “this is really just silly!”
Let me know in the comments: Have you ever blown something out of proportion? Or how many times have you guys honestly had a serious disagreement? Let’s talk!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
This was eye opening. My husband and I don’t really have conflict. It’s mostly misunderstandings or grumpiness when we don’t agree. Recognition truly is key.
Glad you liked it!
I have to be honest – I cannot recall any serious “marriage-threatening” conflicts my husband and I have had. I know that there have been some deep discussions on certain issues where we had differing points of view, but not marriage-threatening. Mostly, I just get irritated because I’m tired, or busy doing something and I’m being interrupted, or something like that. We actually get along very well, and we talk well together – we always have. And we’ve learnt to work through other issues where we disagree in a way that kinda works for both of us. But serious, marriage-threatening conflicts? I don’t think we’ve ever had one of those. For which I am most glad.
That’s wonderful!
Great post in general, but I have a rather passive aggressive husband who gets mad/irritated but won’t open up as to why. Then I’m just supposed to “get over it” when he is. After 30+ years of marriage and countless times of reaching out, being told it’s “me”, I’m pretty much done. I’m polite, nice, but true intimacy is gone.
I understand! We will be married 50 years this fall and my husband is the same way. It’s always me he says or he just didn’t feel well. I have tried more times than I please. I bought Sheila’s books the girls guide to better sex and 31 days to a better sex life and took him away for a 3 day get-a-way. Our only goal was have fun. We were in bed having foreplay and sucking on my breasts and I got up the nerve to ask him to nibble on my nipples. He gave me this look and said to me I guess you will want nipple rings next. That really killed the mood! I asked him why he said that and his reply I was just joking. I have been doing things from her book and decided to be brave and ask for something and that was his response. He said for me to get over it! It made me feel so cheap. Ready to give up! He want talk only makes excuses and tells me to get over it
Sorry 40 years not 50!
Great post, Sheila!
Thank you!
EYE-OPENING distinctions, Sheila!
Reminds me of the research John Gotten sites in The Science of Trust — 2/3 of all marital conflicts are over UN-RESOLVABLE ISSUES … core personality differences, such as loving parties vs. hating parties, that are not going to change.
He says that “conflict resolution” is far less important than how we learn to manage these unresolvable issues with respect, fondness, flexibility, and humor.
I love this way of triaging altercations.
I’m thankful that we haven’t had ‘sinful’ issues for as long as I can remember. Lots of silly, some serious (totally relate to “should we continue homeschooling”), but nothing really drastic.
“Triage” is a great way to explain conflict!
Glad it resonated with you!
This post is really awesome! I’m pinning this one for sure!
So glad!
Repentance – that’s the key that opens the door to grace. Without an understanding of sin, against God and against each other, there is no place for reconciliation.
John the Baptist called people to repentance before Christ began his ministry of reconciliation, Paul instructed the offending believer to be put out of the church at Corinth until he repented (then was accepted back and forgiven later), and the cross calls us to repentance first before we receive God’s merciful grace.
Sin is a serious breach of trust that requires repentance before any resolution is struck.
Great insight.
Sheila, I love this! I really wish I had seen this article a few years ago, when my husband and I had lots and lots of ‘silly conflicts’ and I was feeling like we were majorly struggling because there was so much conflict.
We haven’t really had any serious conflicts, but we have had some sinful conflicts, on both sides, one of which is resolved, another is slowly being resolved (it was a major breach of trust and may never be fully ‘fixed’), and another issue that I see as a sinful conflict, but my husband sees as a silly one…which is one that I am praying about at the moment!
I really love your work Sheila, and after reading my last point, I am wondering if you have any articles (or could write one?) about what to do when you have a conflict that one spouse thinks is serious and the other doesn’t? What is the best way to ‘resolve’ such a conflict?
This is a step for me, a good one to start considering as it seems we have conflict all day over what seems little things. I am definitely to blame for some of them; But I think that if I were to share this with my husband as insight for us to consider, he would probably label all the things he gets irritated at with me as sinful issues of mine. I am so sure of this that I hesitate to even show it to him for fear it just gives him more ammunition to get me to deal with more of my own sin. (Ie. Everyone is sinful and none of us are “good” in of ourselves) Any thoughts?
That is a real issue–when we call things sinful that are really just little misunderstandings or little things that we take offense at. So there may actually be a bigger issue going on there, where you just need to learn to communicate better. That could be a “serious” issue that needs to be resolved. Maybe the issue is just that both of you need to feel validated and heard? Sometimes a serious issue just keeps popping up in a series of little things because it hasn’t been resolved properly. So maybe you could take that tack with him?
Great post, Sheila!
I think these distinctions are very useful in any relationship that seems to have conflict… And most of the silly conflicts would probably be easily “resolved” if we just could let people be who they are without having it always our way. Why do we feel so threatened by difference?
When I was pregnant with our fourth child, my husband really wanted to honour his lovely humble father by naming a son Peter after him, if the baby was a boy. I thought Peter was a boring name and I had lots of others that I much preferred. My husband insisted; his heart was absolutely set on it, and there was conflict. We talked about it intermittently during my pregnancy and I wrestled with it myself. I mean, how could I not have a say in the name of my own child, right?? Who did this guy think he was?
Anyway, with a few days to go until the birth, I finally made peace with the idea. The name was totally unobjectionable and it meant so much to the man I love. Maybe if I pushed and pushed I’d get my own way and then regret it forever. I prayed over it and finally felt that I could accept the name wholeheartedly.
A couple of days later, when my contractions had just started and we knew we would soon meet our little one, my husband said that if I really didn’t like the name, we could pick something else. I told him (between breaths!) that I was happy with the name since it was so significant to him.
In the event, God blessed us with a little girl! And now in hindsight my reluctance and striving and quarrelling seems just so silly. But I’m glad for the lessons I learned during that struggle.
So true. There’s a difference between conflict and preference.
Just a couple words of encouragement. On many occasions you really knock it out of the park. Your blog is an enjoyable read and really shines a new light on familiar topics – I enjoy it so much!
Thanks for doing what you do.
Bill
Aw, thank you!
Very insightful. I thought we had soo many conflicts but after reading this I realise we only had one serious conflict in six years of marriage.
I know! I find it much easier to think along these terms–it makes me realize that most things really are just small–about seeing the world differently and simple misunderstandings that can be fixed.
I like that there is a distinction being made between the profound disagreements and the silly arguments.
Because the visibility of the term “conflict resolution” has increased… it also lost some of its precision. The name of the game seems to be something like: “Practicing proper promotion of problems”.
I understand that there is a difference between “what religion to raise out children in” and “I asked you to cook spaghetti -and -I have to remind you how to do it”. They are both still problems worthy of some degree of attention.