Do you ever get so run down that you can’t look after anyone else?
Every Friday I like to write a short, inspirational 400-word piece on marriage to leave you with one thought to mull on over the weekend. And today I want to talk about taking care of ourselves!
Sheila’s Marriage Moment: Put Your Own Oxygen Mask on First
It’s 8:35 a.m. and I’m just waking up. Usually I’ve been up for two hours by now, but I’m exhausted.
Yesterday I had to fly from Bill & Hilary Clinton National Airport in Little Rock (seriously, I didn’t know there was an airport named after them) back home, because I had the privilege of taping a series of FamilyLife Together radio shows. But I struggled to do that because I wasn’t sleeping from a combination of jetlag from another recent trip and a bad cold.
I’ve simply let myself get worn down over the last few weeks.
And as I was listening to four different versions of the safety message on the planes over the last three days, that oxygen mask thing really hit me: if the oxygen masks drop, and you’re traveling with someone who needs assistance, put your own mask on first. You aren’t any help to anyone else if you pass out. You need to take care of yourself.
Looking back I don’t know what I could have done differently over the last six weeks–but I’ve been going at about 120 miles an hour. Sometimes you’ll look at your schedule on paper and you’ll say, “I can handle that”, but when it actually arrives, it’s overwhelming.
You say yes to something reluctantly, but you think, “I can do it.” You sign your child up for one more activity because they really want it, even though it means two nights a week of practices and occasional weekends away, but you figure, “It’s important.” You take on a coordinating role for something at church, thinking, “It’s only three busy weeks“–but by the time it arrives you’re so stressed you’re yelling at people and you’re not sleeping because you’re already overtired and everything spirals downhill.
My big problem over the last few weeks wasn’t actually my planning–it was the fact that a bunch of things came up at the last minute (like this radio interview opportunity) that I had to fit in.
Extra things will always come up. Always. If you don’t have room for them, they will crash you.
And when you’re crashed, you can’t be a good wife. You can’t be a good mom. You can’t do anything except take care of yourself.
How much better if we had just built some margins in to begin with?
We only have so much time. If you say yes to something, you’re automatically saying no to something else. Too often the thing we’re saying no to is our own health. Stop it, and put your own oxygen mask on first.
That’s what I’m going to do this weekend!
What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?
How can you boost your marriage connection? Are you too concentrated on fixing problems that you miss the bigger picture? Or maybe you need some tips on how to make time with your husband more intimate. Check out this week’s Top Posts and more!
(And this week’s top post was really an eye-opener for me. If you missed the resolving conflict post, please read it!)
#1 NEW Post on the Blog: Why I’ve Stopped “Resolving Conflict”– And You Should, Too
#1 on the Blog Overall: Top 10 Tips For Initiating Sex With Your Husband
#1 from Facebook: If You Give Your Husband A Kiss…
#3 from Pinterest: 29 Days To Great Sex Day 15: What Is Foreplay?
So About That Interview at FamilyLife…
It was really fun to tour the FamilyLife offices and meet Dennis Rainey and a bunch of others there! Keith and I have been associated with FamilyLife Canada for over 10 years now, speaking at the weekend conferences, but we’ve never done anything with FamilyLife U.S. (which is really much bigger).
So Dennis and Bob (the co-host) grilled me on how we in Canada do marriage conferences differently, and why (In Canada we only have couples speak at conferences; in the U.S. they tend to have one couple and then one other guy. We also changed the curriculum to focus more on emotional connection). We talked about how conferences are evolving. And I taught them how to pronounce Toronto correctly (It’s only 2 syllables; drop the first O and the second T–Tronno).
The interview itself went really well. They wrapped up super quick, which apparently is a good sign (they think I said enough interesting stuff that they don’t need to keep talking). I wish I had brought up a few other issues more and steered the conversation a little differently, but to be honest, I was focusing so hard on appearing normal and not fainting or throwing up that getting through it was considered a huge success.
You’ve Got to See This
As my long-time readers know, my husband likes birdwatching. So do I, but my husband’s really obsessed with it. And while he was out this week with a friend when I was away, he got this picture of a woodcock and her baby, and I am so jealous. I love woodcocks because they are so darn funny looking. And when they walk they’re even funnier looking. But to see a baby? Wow.
What I Did for My Birthday
For my birthday last week my daughter and I flew out to British Columbia to be with my cousin (we have birthdays together) and her kids. And then Katie and I took a few days to do some sightseeing and hiking, praying that it wouldn’t rain too much.
It really did wear me out, especially when our flight coming home was delayed and we missed a whole night of sleep (that was the beginning of the Really Bad Cold).
But we did make some great memories!
Now I’m going to relax and get myself some tea and maybe not even get dressed today.
Have a great weekend!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I love that you talked about the “built in margins”. I have begun doing that just this year in a way that I never have before! It’s been a huge help with my energy levels and my attitude with family.
I am listening to my body more, so instead of having another cup of coffee in the afternoon to keep myself going, I take a quick nap instead. Because of my built in margin I have time to nap. I have found that I actually achieve more by the end of the day napping that I did by forcing myself to continue hopped up on caffeine. Thanks!
I’m totally with you! I quit Diet Pepsi a few years ago and so now I’m pretty much off of caffeine because I hate coffee. So now when I’m tired I have no other option except to take a nap. And it’s actually much better for you!
Wow, another terrific post! One area where this can be especially tricky is with church-related stuff. We are told that everything is “for the Lord.” So how can we possibly say no? Well I do! This week, in fact, I said no to one thing, and, “Yes, but I can’t stay super late” to another. And you know what? My body won’t be such a wreck, and I’ll be nicer to my husband.
Yep! I actually wrote about that a while ago, and many people loved it and many people thought I was being selfish. But I find that a lot of “busy” activity in church doesn’t really do much to expand the kingdom–so it’s better to spend that time with our families!
It’s interesting…I came down with a stomach bug a few weeks ago. Luckily the symptoms only lasted about 1/2 a day but it bought me a day off of work and a day with no kids. I’m a little ashamed to admit that I was a little thankful for that little virus. I had no idea how tired I was!
So true about building in margins.
I don’t have this problem so much with my schedule at the moment, but it’s true in other areas like setting and enforcing boundaries with the kids. Sometimes it seems too much hassle in the beginning and not such a big deal but if ignored it plays out into this long annoying ordeal that gets you all upset and angry at the kids where you just should have dealt with it an hour earlier and none of this would’ve happened. I am talking about mostly little annoyances in the everyday life that somehow have the potential to throw off everything. Stuff like the continuous mess with kids, if I leave it until the end of the day oh my, I get super annoyed and start yelling around threats about throwing out all the toys while waving a trash bag… I now have all the worst mess offender activities and toys in separate bins which must be asked for and immediately after use be cleaned up! So much better than blowing up. Now the remaining mess of the freely available toys is much less overwhelming for everyone. Early and built in margins are such a key in taking care of ourselves! It’s just another way to respect ourselves and set healthy boundaries.
And regarding the selfishness, I think as long as these margins are about taking care of ourselves in order to do a better quality job serving others it is not selfish. Business does not equal holiness.
Here I am lying with my 6 month old baby reading your article. I have a cold, we just moved to Spain. I knew I needed rest so I readily accepted some friends taking care of my 3 year old while I treated and my husband worked on our housing. I started to feel guilty, but your article reminded me to rest now. I’ll have plenty of work later and to pace myself.
Yay! So glad. Hope you get some sleep!
oh my gosh–I thought of this exact phrase today. I recently got married and my husband and I are in the same line of work, so even though we don’t work exactly together we are able to work for/with each other. The challenge is, before we were married I was pretty busy with my work and so was my husband, but since we’ve been married he’s taken on a lot more work and there’s a lot of expectation that I will step up and do some of the extra. I’m willing to be stretched for a time, but I simply don’t have the capacity for long hours and lack of sleep that he does and it doesn’t take too long before I’m a physical and emotional disaster. When I tell him I can’t help with his projects, because I have my own responsibilities to fulfill, I don’t always get a lot of understanding, especially because my work style tends to be get things done ahead of time so i don’t have deadlines crashing in on me and stressing me out. He sees me doing things that don’t seem urgent to him and he can’t understand why I am not willing to work on his urgent priorities. I don’t know how to make him see that if I don’t take care of my responsibilities and my health, I’m going to be in total burn out and of absolutely no good to either of us. I get why airlines tell us to put our own mask on first, but it’s a tough position to be in.
You were in my neck of the woods 🙂 Looks like you climbed the Chief in Squamish 🙂 Had no clue Shannon Falls was the 3rd largest waterfall – things you learn from tourists LOL! Glad you enjoyed BC and some down time.