Ever think, “I just need to work on myself and get myself healthy right now”? In some cases that’s true. But in others, too much introspection can be a really, really bad thing.
We’ve been talking this week about suffering in marriage–when it’s good and when it’s bad. We’ve been talking about how to have those awkward conversations, and how to walk through a marriage with a spouse who’s depressed. (Of course, we also talked about how to bring sexy back! Woo hoo!).
Many of us just have rough roads in marriage.
And a few weeks ago I wrote my marriage moment on how it’s important to take care of yourself, because if you don’t do that, you can’t take care of anyone else.
But there’s another side to it, and in today’s Marriage Moment–my short thought I leave you with for the weekend every Friday–I’d like to offer a cautionary tale.
Sheila’s Marriage Moment: Why Too Much Introspection is a Bad Thing
One of the conundrums of the psychotherapy industry is that the longer people are in therapy, the more the depth of their pain often is.
Incidentally, that’s why counseling that focuses on coping with a specific problem tends to be far more effective than weekly sessions to “know yourself.”
We get healthy, you see, not by looking at ourselves but by looking at God.
Certainly true healing can only come when we allow ourselves to see the depth of our pain, our grief, or our exhaustion. If we’re not honest about our pain, we can’t receive healing for it. But the way we look at that pain matters. Do you look only at the pain? Or do you allow God to shine His light on it, and see it in that light–the light of a God who wants to heal you, to call you to Himself, to use you for His purposes?
I have known far too many women who have said, “I’ve spent my life looking after other people, and I’m hurt. And now it’s time to work on myself.” And so they step back from their bewildered kids and their heartbroken husbands and they embark on this quest to “know themselves.”
Let’s stop it. Who are we supposed to look at?
Jesus.
Yes, you look at your pain, but without looking at it through Jesus’ eyes you don’t heal it–you stoke it.
Working on yourself involves giving your body healthy rest, giving your soul healthy relationships, and giving your heart the opportunity to heal. But sometimes we think “working on ourselves” means that we get to ignore others, abandon our responsibilities, and nurse our hurts. That’s not true! Yes, there sometimes is a time that we must step back from responsibilities because we can’t emotionally handle them. But I know far too many women who have said, “I need to work on myself because my husband hurt me so much and was such a bad father”–and then have withdrawn from family life and let that supposedly horrible man raise those kids by himself.
Working on yourself does not give you license to be selfish. In fact, if done properly, working on yourself should help you become more gracious, more confident, and more at peace, because 2 Timothy 1:7 is real in your life now:
For God did not give you the spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.
See yourself and your pain through God’s eyes, and the hurt will grow less, the power of God will grow more in your life, and your capacity to love others will expand. See your pain only through your own eyes, and you will become self-absorbed and incapable of loving others.
For the sake of your family and your children, please choose the right focus.
What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?
Marriage is hard work. Sometimes bad things can happen. Sometimes it can be difficult to find the intimacy in your relationship. Sometimes you just don’t remember that your spouse needs to be reminded that you love them. Check out all of what this week’s top posts have to offer for you below!
#1 NEW Post on the Blog: How One Couple Worked Through Emotional Abuse
#1 on the Blog Overall: Top 10 Tips For Initiating Sex With Your Husband
#1 from Facebook: 25 Quick Ways To Show Your Husband Love
#2 from Pinterest: Why Do Teenagers Rebel?
Katie Has a New Video Out! See Her in the Shower
…and it’s not remotely X-rated. Though it is kinda funny:
I Made Keith talk about the time he struggled with his faith…and how I didn’t particularly help
It was for our podcast for my patrons–the people who support this site for as little as $5 a month. You get all kinds of different cool benefits as a supporter! And this weekend I’m recording a special podcast with my daughter Rebecca when I’m in Ottawa helping her with her book on why she didn’t rebel.
Check out how you can get more access to behind the scenes stuff by becoming a patron!
Have a great weekend, everybody!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I’m a Christian apologist. For those who don’t know, that means that I am the one who answers questions about how we know the Bible is true, that Jesus rose from the dead, that the Bible is trustworthy, why there’s so much evil in the world, etc. That means all that I do is staked on demonstrating the truth of Christ to those who are opposed.
And yet there’s the conundrum. I can defend the resurrection all day long, but at the end of the day, it’s easy to act like the resurrection doesn’t matter. I can defend the reliability of Scripture, but at the end of the day, I can pragmatically act like it’s not true. If only it could really sink in for what it means to say Jesus is the risen Lord and all He says in Scripture about Himself and us is true.
We are professing Christians, but many of us still have practicing atheism in us.
And how does God see our pain? Our loneliness? Our hopelessness ? Is it the”oh it’ll be ok, pat on the head?” the ” you need to get over yourself” admonishment? I would love to know. Especially when I’m on the floor crying for 3 hours straight.
Angie, I am sorry you are hurting so badly. I recommend you check out Rachel Wojo’s book One More Step (she has a website & monthly Bible reading plans too). Her faith in hard circumstances is amazing, and her book explains much better than I ever could about how God loves us through the difficult times, if we let Him.
Well, this quote I think illustrates beautifully what God thinks of our pain. This is from the chronically of Narnia. Digory’s mother is on her death bed. Aslan (the Lion) represents Jesus.
“But please, please – won’t you- can’t you give me something that will cure Mother?” Up till then he had been looking at the Lion’s great feet and the huge claws on them; now, in his despair, he looked up at its face. What he saw surprised him as much as anything in his whole life. For the tawny face was bent down near his own and (wonder of wonders) great shining tears stood in the Lion’s eyes. They were such big, bright tears compared with Digory’s own that for a moment he felt as if the Lion must really be sorrier about his Mother than he was himself. “My son, my son,” said Aslan. “I know. Grief is great. Only you and I in this land know that yet. Let us be good to one another.” – The Magician’s Nephew by C. S. Lewis
God cares enough that he got right into a body like our own and took the pain on himself. All of it. The loneliness and grief and pain of betrayal and rejection as well as all the ordinary kinds of sorrow a man of 33 years on earth would have.
I’m sorry your having such a hard time. Please do get help. Or at least reach out to a friend/ someone at church. We weren’t meant to do this alone.
That’s beautiful, Alchemist. The Magician’s Nephew was always my favourite of the Narnia books, too.
Angie-I’m so sorry you’re hurting so badly. I really am, and it IS hard to understand how God relates and does he EVEN CARE?! (Been there!)
I think it helps me to remember that He is the perfect Father. As a parent, I always care (with more than just a pat on the head) when one of my children hurts. Even if it seems trivial to me, it’s huge to them. As a human, I may not always know what to say or how to say it. I fail. God doesn’t. He has experienced pain-when His people have time and again turned their backs on Him, when His very Son was spot on and crucified by the very people He came to save…can you fathom that? I cannot.
I hope that you can feel His love in this hard time you’re facing. And if you can’t “feel it” repeat it like a mantra!!
(And if you feel like you might be suffering from actual depression, please get help!!!! Don’t be afraid or ashamed. I am so thankful-in my own life-that God has allowed doctors to figure out how to make medications to help us!)
We should put everything in balance, yeah?
I read this quote a long time ago, and I can’t remember who originally said it, but I love it: Don’t overthink things, you’ll create a problem where none existed!