Ever feel like your husband is stressed all the time–and because of that he’s always short with you?
On Mondays I like to post a reader question and then take a stab at answering it, and today I’ve got one from a woman who says that when they go on vacation the sex and the relationship is amazing. But then as soon as they get home, the relationship falls apart because her husband is so stressed.
Reader Question
I’ve just celebrated our twentieth anniversary with an amazing overseas trip. We spoiled each other rotten.
But how do we spend such a fabulous time together where the sex is spectacular both physically and emotionally, and then arrive back home and his frustration levels grow to such an extent that it’s impossible to have a conversation?
I’ve treated him with the utmost respect. I haven’t screamed or made unreasonable demands. I did ask him to please refrain from continuously referring to problems he’s facing as they rarely resolve and because of that, I feel useless to help him gain victory which is just debilitating.
To be honest we’ve had 2 major blow outs this year, both after magical weeks of intimacy and then boom! I feel like I’ve prostituted myself. The hardest thing for me is keeping my heart open to our intimate connection.
I’d really value any words of wisdom. If financial pressure is too much (I’m a stay at home Mom), then I would happily forgo the travel lavishing if we could just maintain a steadier relational equilibrium.
Okay, let’s take a stab at this! Once again, I’m only going on the information I have here. I don’t know what their conflicts or about, or what the conflicts look like. I don’t know if he has anger issues or not. But, just going on the information here, a few things occur to me, so here goes!
Most people have reasons behind their actions
This is a simple fact of human behaviour: we do things for a reason.
Therefore, if he’s happy when he’s on vacation, but gets upset at her when he’s at home, there is probably a reason beyond just “he’s a bad person” or “he’s crazy.”
Sheila’s tip: If you start thinking that your husband is being entirely unreasonable and irrational, it’s quite likely there’s something big about this situation that you’re missing.
When people act a certain way, they are often reacting to someone else. Thus, it’s always good to ask if you are doing anything that they could find difficult.
To go along with our first point, if people aren’t islands, that means that they are usually reacting to something that someone else is doing. So if you’re having an issue with someone, the first step should always be to ask: “could I be doing something that is rubbing him the wrong way?”
Now, it could very well be that in examining yourself you find the answer is “no”. When husbands are emotionally abusive, for instance, they frequently blame everyone else for their outbursts and never take ownership of their own actions. And that can make the wife and the kids think that they are responsible for causing the problem, even if that’s not true. If you fear you may be an emotionally abusive marriage, then please read this.
However, most relationships are not emotionally abusive. Given that their vacation is wonderful and there aren’t problems there, I’d imagine that likely this relationship is not emotionally abusive either, because they are capable of feeling very intimate with one another.
Therefore, it’s always good to ask yourself: “am I doing something to make him feel uncomfortable or attacked?”
Romans 12:18
If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.
Sheila’s tip: Look to yourself first. Do what you can. Make peace–knowing that it is not ALWAYS up to you and it’s not always possible.
Are you allowing your husband to be honest with his stress?
Here’s what I think is going on from a cursory reading of this letter: they have a great time when they’re on vacation because the work world and everyday pressures are gone. But when those pressures are back, he’s stressed. He wants to talk to her about it. He wants to feel free to be stressed. But she is interpreting the fact that he is stressed as a personal attack on her, instead of asking, “how can I support him in what he’s going through?”
She said,
I’ve treated him with the utmost respect. I haven’t screamed or made unreasonable demands. I did ask him to please refrain from continuously referring to problems he’s facing as they rarely resolve and because of that, I feel useless to help him gain victory which is just debilitating.
It seems as if her main concern here is that SHE feels debilitated by the fact that he has problems that don’t seem to have solutions. But if she feels debilitated by that, imagine how HE feels! They’re his problems, after all. They’re things that he has to face at work. Has she thought about that?
So why is life so much worse for them as soon as they get home from vacation? I think that’s another clue to what’s going on in her husband’s heart. He feels close to her when they’re away. He feels like they’re finally connected. Maybe, just maybe, she’s going to be his ally now and they’ll be on the same team. And then as soon as they get home, she insists that he still act as if life is perfect–but life isn’t. And that feels like the ultimate betrayal to him because he thought you finally accepted him and loved him for who he was, and now it feels conditional to him. In other words, he’s feeling the same rejection you are.
The difference, though, is that he can’t do anything about it. He can’t make his stress disappear or deny it, which is what she seems to be asking him to do in order for her to accept him. She, however, could choose to help him and extend that intimacy that they felt on vacation, rather than putting limits on him.
Sheila’s tip: don’t withdraw or get upset if your husband seems stressed.
Become a safe place for your husband to work through his stress
Look, a lot of us are married to guys who have stress. Sometimes it’s stress over potential job loss. Sometimes it’s stress because of toxic relationships at work. Sometimes it’s just simply the stress of the job. My husband has a LOT of stress at his work. He’s a pediatrician and often has to make life and death decisions. He sometimes can’t sleep and often has nightmares that he’ll do exactly the wrong thing. It’s scary. And I can never really understand it completely because I’m not a doctor (though I have this recurring nightmare where he gets paged in the middle of the night to come to a delivery for a premature baby and he sends me instead because he doesn’t want to go, and then I remember that I forgot to go to medical school and grab his textbooks before I jump in the car).
Here’s the question: What are you going to do to help your husband through stress?
A few quick tips:
Tips for Helping Your Husband Through Stress
- DON’T express displeasure when he’s upset. Say something like, “you look like something’s bothering you. Do you want to go for a walk and talk about it?” rather than “why are you always so down?” or “can’t you just enjoy the family?”
- DO allow him to process things with you. When he starts talking, say something like, “tell me more about that” or “how did that make you feel”?
- DON’T try to fix the problem. Just because there isn’t an immediate solution or an obvious course of action doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t talk about it. Sometimes the point is the talking, not the fixing.
- DON’T baby him. Don’t say, “I’m so sorry you’re going through this!” or “It’s so unfair, and I love you so much” constantly. A little bit, okay. All the time? It sounds like you’re talking to your 8-year-old son.
- DO express confidence that he can handle this. Say things like, “I know you’ll make the right decision”, or “I’m so impressed that you managed to keep your cool” or “I think you’re handling this really well.”
- DO ask how you can pray. Start the day by saying, “what’s one specific thing I can pray for you today?”
- DO ask if you can help. “If there’s ever anything I can do to make it easier, even if it’s just researching other jobs or anything for you, let me know. I want to help, but I don’t want to do something that would make the situation even more awkward.”
- DO keep having sex. Seriously! It’s a great stress reliever. Sometimes guys who are stressed find their libidos shut down. But if your husband is still willing, or still interested if you do the seducing, then do the seducing! Instead of getting upset because he may not initiate as much, you start initiating. It can be one of the best ways to help him feel close, strong, and powerful.
I hope that helps!
Now let me know in the comments: Has your husband ever been stressed? How did you handle that period of your marriage?
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Great insight, Sheila! I know respect is often the most important thing to our men. But I had not thought about what respecting him might look like when he is in a stressful place. I think you are on to something about letting him share freely, asking how we can support, and continue to let him know he is wanted sexually by us.
I have also learned that when my husband shares I get to ask, “Are you wanting me to listen right now or would you like to bounce ideas?” Because often times I will go into problem solving mode. Which is hurtful if he just wants to be heard. He takes it as he isn’t good enough to solve the problem himself, or I just want to fix him, or I don’t care enough to listen to his needs. Asking him what kind of talking we are doing has become very helpful in these situations to ensure he is still feeling respected and loved.
Love your question “Are you wanting me to listen right now, or would you like to bounce ideas?” I tend to assume men are trying to solve a problem, we read time and again how when women are just wanting to talk, and how they get frustrated that men are always trying to problem solve. Honestly I think I tend to go straight into problem solving without even considering that he just might want to feel understood!! Men are not overly recognized for a ‘need to talk’ or just feel understood, and I think many do need that! Thanks.
Great thoughts, Cassie! So true. We always hear that WOMEN don’t want men to fix things and just want to be heard, but I really think it goes the other way, too!
As the husband, this whole idea of wanting to be listened to always drove me crazy. I won’t speak for other men, but in general, I don’t talk to be listened to but to search for resolutions to a problem. I still find it frustrating, even after 25 years, that my wife will want to talk but not look for solutions to a situation. It shows God’s sense of humor and how He has made men and women uniquely (and wonderfully) different.
The comment “I’ve treated him with the utmost respect. I haven’t screamed or made unreasonable demands. I did ask him to please refrain from continuously referring to problems he’s facing as they rarely resolve and because of that, I feel useless to help him gain victory which is just debilitating.” struck me as the crux of the issue as well.
Does HE feel treated with the utmost respect? Does he feel that she has not made any unreasonable demands? And filtering his choice of what he talks about?? THAT immediately struck me as not being respectful… I think that this woman needs to ASK HER MAN what HE thinks needs to change or what will help him. Clearly she has decided what his needs are in this area of their relationship, and THAT is totally disrespectful.
I’m the one in our relationship who is the ‘stressed’ one, and if family is telling me that being stressed, frustrated, etc. about my work means I can’t ever vent, or have to pretend all is fine when I’m ‘hangin by the end of my rope’ – just because they do not have the desire, expertise or ability to REALLY understand, or help with, specific instances… well, that feels VERY uncaring, if not downright hurtful. Having a stressful career is something many of us continue to tolerate because of the financial benefits it provides for our families; not because ‘we feel called’ to the work itself. If I had a million dollars in the bank, I WOULD QUIT TODAY. That said, when my family is not being understanding of my sacrifice, or is unwilling to accept me being exhausted or crabby as a result of the stress, it seems VERY disrespectful and discouraging…. which only adds to my stress. A decade ago, that was MY situation and it absolutely made a bad, stressful situation even worse to feel uncared for and unsupported by those directly benefiting from it.
No matter what the situation, we are supposed to be there to support the other person. While we need to avoid codependence, generally what helps the other person is based on THEIR point of view, not what we think that ‘should be’. If you do something to ‘help’ someone that they would have preferred to do themself, or really needed help with something else, is that really helping? That is the question that I would have come around to with this wife…
Carpe diem!
Totally agree, Yvonne, and this is what I was hoping the letter writer could see, too. Again, there may have been more to the story (there always is), but that paragraph just really stood out to me.
Great post, as always…my $0.02. For years (decades!) I made a habit of bring my work stresses and worries home and making everyone else live with them. In the last year or so I’ve decided that unless the situation truly has a home impact or unless it’s something I think my wife can give me some good advice about – which does come up, but not all that often – I try to leave it at the door and not go on about work things at home. I’m not sure whether my wife is happier, but I know it’s working better for me. So – though your post is great, the guys need to honestly look at their behavior – what they’re doing, why they’re doing it, what they think the goals are and who’s going to benefit (or rather _whether_ anyone’s going to benefit) and consider the possibility that they should adjust their stress responses.
Totally agree, Jack! Thanks for that perspective.
I am going to put myself on line and admit I empathize with this woman. My husband has been stressed out to the limit professionally for most of our twelve year marriage. As you can imagine I have tried almost everything I can think of to help him. I know that he is frustrated with my reluctance to discuss his work. Actually I think that these talks fo relieve his stress temporarily but I leave them feeling utterly despairing and anxious. As if he has literally off-loaded onto me.
Boundaries, dear lady! Your kid falls off his bike and bumps his elbow and starts crying. You empathize, of course, but do you fall to pieces and feel overburdened because he is crying over his elbow? Or do you patch him up, love him up, and encourage him to try again?
I can listen to my husband unload. I can empathize, love on him, encourage him, pray about it, but I need not take it upon my shoulders as my own burden. That is disrespectful.
I used to. I used to pace and panic, withdraw and lose sleep, try to fix it for him, etc. It just contributed to his stress MORE because now his wife is miserable.
Love that! Absolutely.
Here’s my input: My husband does NOT respond well to stress. We’ll spend an amazing few days together, have some truly intimate times, feel very connected, then BOOM — stress takes over his whole being. He can’t focus on anything else. Total one track mind.
In my nearly ten years of marriage, I’ve finally learned a few things that have helped me help him.
1. Listen, don’t try to suggest things to help all of the time. Just shut my dang mouth and LISTEN to him like he listens to me.
2. Distractions are the best. A funny movie he’s been wanting to watch, a walk, a visit to an electronics store where he can drool over 57 inch tvs, a new chinese place, anything
3. Don’t stop being intimate. If anything, now that I’ve learned how my man operates, I’ve found that I need to really lavish the attention on him and maybe use this time to go a little out of my comfort zone. His stress levels make him feel out of control and less manly (his words), so I know that some sexual attention will help him feel in control of SOMETHING. Make sense? Sure, he can’t fix that work issue at the moment, but he can experience a whole lot of pleasure with his loving wife, and that makes him feel like he is way ahead of the game. This one was a total game changer for me.
Great thoughts, Heather! So much better to look at how you can help rather than just get ticked off at him! Love it.
I left the army after 14 years of service because I was always stressed out even though I didn’t have any good job lined up my and my then wife both agreed that I would be a better person even if I had to work two jobs I never regretted my choice to leave the army life become so much better
Something women might not understand is a lot of men do not like sit down at a table face to face and talk like women do. men like to be doing something it could be as simple as going for a walk
Perhaps another piece of the puzzle is how we process. I’ve learned recently that personalities process differently – I tend to be a verbal processor and my husband is an internal processor. It has caused stress in our marriage if I process too much verbally to my husband and stress him out, or when he doesn’t let me in on his thoughts so we feel isolated.
I guess I’m comparable position of the husband from this writer’s question. I’m learning to ask my husband things like, “is this a good time to process some things out loud?” Or “do you have time to help my talk through something, or can you tell me when a better time is?” I want him to be able to listen out of his fullness whenever possible. And that means I’m learning to help fill him up too, sort of like Heather commented.
So true, Mel! I’m just happy that my husband and I are both external processors. 🙂 It makes life much easier!
Really hard to gain a good picture here but it seems like that the stress from work on this man is further added to by a home that doesn’t offer a safe haven to relax and enjoy life together. It would be helpful to know how their life at home actually looks like… Does she expect much help at home in addition to his work responsibilities? Do they plan to have fun together? Does he have another outlet like guy friends or a hobby beside her? How responsible is she with her ‘jobs’ at home, can he trust she’ll do her part or does he have to worry about that, too? Also how many children they have and how old are they? Are they well trained or are they out of control? They had their 20th anniversary, so I wonder…
From her statement about treating him with utmost respect it seems like she has a history of yelling at him and demanding from him a lot. Maybe he feels he’s never enough… He has stress at work and at home. And she has clearly a bit of a disturbed view of respect, even though it seems like she has some understanding.
I understand that she needs a boundary so he won’t always unload his work stress at home, but he also needs someone to listen. I think they need to negotiate a healthy balance in a few areas in their marriage where both of their needs are considered. It seems like her needs take precedence at the moment and he’s slaving away to meet them.
Can I just make one quick comment in support of this women? She has reached out for help. She wants a healthy marraige. Also that one sentence that everyone keeps getting caught up on. She asked him not to continously complain, not to not complain at all. Have you ever lived with someone (family, roommate, spose) who continously complained? Nothing other than their problem ever matters. I understand needing to vent, but when you become completely obsessed with your own problem you shut out everyone else in your life.
I haven’t been married very long, but I have been just long enough to attest to marriage being hard. When your husband is stressed and has no interest in you, its hard on the whole relationship (both sides). What I want to know is how to keep that intamacy going when your husband isn’t interested? I know it is important. I can feel how important it is in our relationship, but when my husband gets stressed out about work me even placing my hand on his arm makes him pull away. I just don’t get it.