Do you have a marriage mentor?
I really think that a marriage mentor can help so much with getting over rough patches in marriage. And I recently came across an article I wrote a few years ago on this that likely most of you haven’t seen, so I’d like to run it again today!
In pretty much every church I have ever gone to, I have always started off those first few years in a honeymoon phase: you look around and everybody looks so together, so Christian, so loving. Then, bit by bit, you hear whispers. So and so had an affair and the marriage is reeling. So and so moved out, but they don’t want anyone to know yet. So and so has an alcohol problem.
In most of these cases, the vast majority of people don’t know. It’s all happening below the surface, below the smiling faces and the giggling but slightly dazed children and the pageants and the dresses.
And it makes me so sad, because it’s hard to help people who don’t want to ask for help.
When you know a couple is struggling, and you want to help, how do you approach them when they haven’t actually told you that they’re struggling?
That’s impolite, right?
Once Keith and I had a couple over for dinner that we knew were having problems. Their parents had asked out to reach out to them, and we really did want to help. They weren’t admitting any issues, though, so over dinner Keith and I just started sharing about all of our problems when we were first married. We told them how we had struggled, hoping it might get a response, or a “oh, we do that, too”. Nothing. We told them how lonely we felt in the marriage. Nothing. All we got was a “thanks for a great dinner,” and a thank you card afterwards. They divorced a year later.
At the marriage conference Keith and I spoke at last month in Banff, I urged all the couples to find a mentor couple: a couple that was at least a few years older, with a solid marriage, with whom they could occasionally bounce things off of and talk things through and ask for prayer. They should look for a couple who knew how to keep things silent, and who were there just to help. Many couples said they were a little reluctant, because people might feel it was a burden. And here’s what I told them:
Any mature couple in your church would be THRILLED to have someone ask them to mentor them; to have someone ask them to actually talk about real issues. Do you know how much we long to help with real issues, but those who obviously need help don’t ask for it? I watch couples I know are struggling, and I pray for them, and I ask in an around-about way how things are going, or if they want to talk, and they smile and tell me no. I know that’s not true. So if someone actually came to me and said, “We love each other, but we’re really struggling with something. Could we confidentially just come over and talk to you and your husband?”, I would jump up and down for joy!
And I would!
I’ve said the same thing about other issues, too: have kids you can’t get to sleep at night? There’s a mom with 8 kids out there who would LOVE to teach you how to do it. Just love it. Have a hard time organizing your home? There’s a super organized woman who has been biting her tongue wanting to help you. Feel like your wardrobe is too drab? There’s a woman who dresses well who would think having your own personal makeover day to be the most fun thing she’s done in ages.
People who are good at things love to teach other people how to do it. They really, really do.
But I find that the vast majority of people who are having problems won’t ask for help.
Why Don’t We Reach Out and Ask for Help?
In many Christian circles I’ve heard this turned into a blame game: “Well, I can’t ask for help because then people would judge me, because churches are so judgmental.” That may have a kernel of truth, but I can tell you that in every church I’ve ever belonged to, there would be a lot more respect for a couple who asked for help than for one who one day just up and divorced with no warning. And most people, I think, are like me. They desperately want to help, not because they think they know everything, but because they know how hard marriage and parenting can be, and they don’t want others to hit brick walls. They want to see families thrive.
So I think the whole “people are judgmental so I can’t share anything” is a cop out. I’m talking about finding ONE couple, who is older than you, that you can talk to. Surely in every church, even a judgmental one, there is ONE couple. And if there isn’t, you need to find another church!
So if that’s a cop out, what are the real reasons? Most people, I think, don’t look for a marriage mentor and ask for help for one of several reasons.
1. First, they believe they genuinely don’t need it.
They are completely in the right, and so they don’t need anyone’s advice. Often one half of a couple feels this way, and the other doesn’t. (In the case of the couple at our house for dinner, the woman didn’t think she needed help; the husband would have welcomed it, but I think he feared rocking the boat even more). If you’re married to someone who feels this way, you still need a mentor! Find a woman you can talk to and pray with, even if your husband won’t.
2. They know they need it, but the church’s doctrine is such that there is no understanding of the dynamics of abusive or controlling behavior.
I can’t tell you how many women on this blog have tried to get help when dealing with emotional or even physical abuse who have been told that they need to submit (that’s one of the points I wrote in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage--we need to realize that God doesn’t love marriage for marriage’s sake, no matter what happens to the people involved; he loves marriage for people’s sake, and what God wants is for us growing to be like Him, not for us getting license to treat others horribly).
If that’s the case with you, you may need to find a mentor from a different church. Or pray really hard that God will identify someone to you who has a real understanding of Scripture, rather than the “pat answers” we’re often told. I can also almost guarantee you that even if you are in a church which preaches submission at all costs, there are at least some women in that church and some couples in that church who have a biblical understanding that God wants us doing His will, not our husband’s will if it’s warped. You may just have to keep looking! I’ve never seen a church where absolutely everyone believes this stuff, even if it’s preached from the pulpit.
Most people, however, aren’t in this situation. Most people who need help don’t seek it more because of something like this:
3. They’ve talked to others before, and those people have told them that they are in the wrong or they need to compromise.
I’m thinking of one particular woman I know who broke up her family recently. She was sure she was right; when she started talking to people in the church, though, they didn’t take her side. So she stopped talking and did what she wanted to anyway.
And that brings me to number four:
4. They’ve already made up their minds about what they are going to do.
They’re going to leave their spouse and split up their family, and they’ve convinced themselves they’re in the right. But they know deep down that perhaps they’re not, and so they don’t ask for help in case they’re convicted.
I don’t know where you are today. I don’t know if you’re having marriage issues, parenting issues, or addiction issues. But I do know that so many people do desperately want to help. My husband, a pediatrician, once participated in a community parenting course. It had tons of advertising from the Children’s Aid Society, other physicians, and more. Doctors were telling their patients with problem kids to go. It was on the radio. And only three families showed up.
I have another friend who is a nutritionist. A few years ago her office put on a seminar called “2 can dine for $1.99” to teach lower income people how to cook well on a limited budget. The only people who showed up was the entire homeschooling group from her community, who thought it was a great educational opportunity. All the people at the welfare office, and at Children’s Aid, who were told about it, did not go.
Why do I tell you this?
It’s because I firmly believe that help is there if you want it, but I also believe that most people don’t seek it out.
People want to share their knowledge and their experience. But the vast majority of people don’t ask for help and don’t take it until it is too late. There’s help for people trying to recover from porn. There’s help for people who need marriage mentors. There’s support for people with drinking problems. If you need help, look for it. It won’t magically show up on your doorstep, though–you need to take that first step and reach out.
Every couple, everybody, should have a marriage mentor that they can talk to when things get difficult.
I have a mentor, and I am somebody’s mentor. My husband has a mentor, and he is also somebody’s mentor. This is so important especially for couples in the ministry, where it’s hard to talk about your personal issues. But that makes it all the more crucial to have a safe place to go for help. So don’t wait. Just ask for help. Ask to go out for coffee once a month to check in, and if there’s a problem, ask if you can meet for an evening in one of your houses. Share prayer requests. Be transparent. If more people did that, I think we’d see fewer families splitting up.
Let me know in the comments: Did you ever have a marriage mentor couple? How did it work out?
I’m hoping to do a week-long series in the fall on what a healthy marriage ministry would look like in a church, complete with some resources for marriage mentors. If you have any great ideas or good links, please leave them in the comments, and I’ll use them for my series! Thanks.
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On the other side – if someone is desperate to find help, they will find it – no matter what. Whether they don’t have access to any number of facilities offering the help that they need, they will look to other alternatives like blogs, reading books, praying, whatever – if they’re desperate enough, they will find the help that they need, and the guidance on where to go. And I do believe that when you get to that point, God will step in and show you the way…
I think though its a case of not getting to that point of being so desperate – get the help needed beforehand and learn to live a balanced and healthy life.
I do think though that often the best mentor we can have is our own mothers. Not only do they know us well, but all things being as they should be, they have very often walked the difficult roads of marriage and are hopefully victorious by the time you start your own marraige. But, very often our own mothes are themselves divorced and unable to help themselves, nevermind mentoring their children to successful marriages and lives. And I find that so, so sad. I wish more than anything that my own mother was someone I could go to who would show me the way, but she just isn’t that person – she has too many issues to deal with – and while I do believe that finding a mentor is the way to go, I do think that often this could start at home.
Just my 2c worth…
So true, Baby Mama!: “get the help needed beforehand and learn to live a balanced and healthy life.” Yep. I think we all need to just be regularly (say monthly or every two months) just meeting with people and chatting and checking in, because that can help us overcome and avoid so many other problems!
I agree with you about mothers, too. I’m sorry that you’ve had such a rough road (and I know you’ve shared about it before). I hope that I’m a great mentor to my married daughter!
That’s all I want to be for Baby Girl. That safe refuge where she feels safe and I can guide her to knowing God deeper and deeper each day. And I know that will mean sometimes letting go, and at other times holding on.
So very true. We all need help. What I often find is that people with problems don’t really want help, they want a shoulder to cry on. They don’t really want to work on their problems. It is sad that couples go for years in married misery, poisoning their children’s idea of marriage.
All I know for sure is that God says that if I seek I will find. I found you! I wish I had found you 20 years ago.
I was on the brink of divorce a few years ago. There wasn’t any cheating, addiction, or abuse. We just couldn’t get on the same page with kids, family, life. We both came from broken homes and didn’t have an example to go by.He didn’t want to go to counseling, ’cause he thought what was on t.v. was all there was to it. (Men would be blamed for everything and just get yelled at). I started talking to a lady in my Sunday school about things and she became my mentor. Sometimes I was wrong and she would tell me so, but mostly I knew someone else praying for us and our situation. Finally he gave in to counseling and things have changed. It’s like a complete 180. We are now doing couple devotions each day, and pray together regularly. I know there will be bumps in the road in the future, but feel we are better prepared to handle them before getting to far gone. I believe he now has mentor in the church as well; a different couple that we are friends with.
Oh, how wonderful! I’m so glad, Cheryl. Thanks for sharing that encouragement.
You left one out. Humiliation and embarrassment. When everyone else is looking Pinterest perfect it’s hard to admit what’s going on and that you need help. Anyone who’s been through post partum depression with babies can tell you that. You keep sinking lower and lower while keeping a smile on your face.
Very true, Angie! But I hope that even if people are humiliated, they’ll still reach out. It’s so much better to reach out early rather than to get in worse trouble later–when everyone will know about it anyway.
99% of our marriage is great, but we have one huge issue that we have struggled with since the beginning. We don’t seek help because our issue is so unusual that the few people we have approached have been much less than helpful. It’s hard to get help when no one can comprehend your problem and treats you like a freak.
I totally understand the feeling of no one understanding or even beginning to comprehend your problem! People in general certainly need to learn to talk less and listen more (to people, and mostly to the Holy Spirit). I have been hurt by this as well. Society and the Church can begin to talk about things all they want (mental illness, abuse, etc), but I feel unless you have directly experienced some of these things, you just don’t know….
This is a great discussion to have – and it is much needed. First, I think that many people would be delighted to help and mentor others….in theory. In reality, though, quite honestly most people are too busy and too caught up in their own lives to care enough about people to actually do anything. I am speaking from a vast amount of experience here – my husband and I have actively reached out to so many people and outright asked for mentorship in the past – it is hard to even count the people who have failed us (Christian people and pastors). And seriously – if you have to try and book a couple weeks or even months in advance, just to have a meal with them….come on! Secondly, I must also say that if you try to reach out to someone once, and they don’t respond the way you would like them to….maybe you should not give up quite so easily! It’s a little too easy to put the onus completely on the person/people needing the help, and if they don’t respond, well….you tried! There are many factors in play behind the scenes with people, and I don’t think the “love of God” thing to do is to try once and then give up! Example: depression. The very nature of depression is that it isolates the person, and effectively handicaps them from reaching out for help! People have varied mental and emotional issues that factor into their situation, and things aren’t as cut and dried as “well, I tried to help them (once!), but…..” Sometimes you need to prayerfully keep trying if you really desire to help (or pray your way in). In summary, I have been too hurt and burned by this whole thing, and I know how much people need help, but the awareness needs to be raised and the people in the Church who are doing OK need to step up to the plate and create a culture for this to happen.
Michelle-very good point.
My problem was spiritual rather than marital but I posted on our church’s Facebook group that I was struggling (we’ve been in a very rough work/financial situation for a long time and in the first year it caused me to have quite a faith crisis!!) and my pastor never prayed with us or contacted me. I put the prayer request in the offering plate…never heard from him. It was very disheartening.
Reaching out for help is extremely hard for most people (no matter if it’s marital or anything else) and if you try and get no response….
I also deal with depression and yes! By its very nature it lends toward isolation! (I am medicated now 😉 )
Keep reaching out!!
Thankfully I had one friend who never let go. She kept loving me and gently guiding me and was definitely a mentor. Despite being 11 years younger than me!!!!
Your mentor should be more mature spiritually if not chronologically!
I am so, so, So, SO thrilled & excited that you will be doing a series on marriage ministry and mentoring! Very much looking forward to this. Can’t wait!!!
It has been on my husband’s heart and mine for sooooo long! But we feel unequiped and don’t know how to go about it.
Offering help and getting help has been hard for us to do in our church.
We do not have mentors – although we LONG for someone!
We are one of the few married couples and families in our church, we have been married the longest and are amongst the oldest of our church’s members (ages 36 & 34, been married 14 yrs, have 4 kids ages 10, 8, 3, 2). So no older couples here…
Also, like Michelle previously said, the couple needs to be available and interested in investing. Sometimes people want to help but aren’t willing to ‘invest’ to build a relationship with you and get to know you. It feels like they expect you to just pour out the problem then they’ll give you the answer on how to fix it, thank you, goodbye! I know for me, I won’t just go and open up deeply to just anyone. I need to feel safe and feel that the person is really interested and loves me & desires relationship, not just to solve my problems.
Not having that generation of in real life Titus 2 women around me, doing that investing, has been one of the great pains in my life. I profoundly feel that lack, in my life, marriage, mothering, homeschooling… Where are our mothers and older women?
I’ve also been battling depression and Michelle’s example was so good. We do tend to isolate and we need some nurturing to peek out again!
As for helping others, it feels like we do have some things to offer people from what little experience we have, but like you mentioned in your post, we can’t force it on them. Which is sad when you feel like there is something you could bring.
I sometimes feel like the things I see some people around us need, we would be able to offer, but they don’t see it. Maybe we’re not the people who can offer it the way they need it or the timing’s not right. Maybe they’ll be able to receive it from someone else later. But in the meantime I feel like we’re useless and not giving all we can give.
Some ‘younger’ couples in our church are looking for older mentors than us, with more experience. Which is sad, because they’re going it alone in the meantime for lack of what they are looking for & struggling in some areas that we’ve already walked in.
It’s hard to build that relationship to where you have a voice in someone else’s life, or they have one in yours, when they aren’t seeking that friendship as well…
Anyway, that was long…
Will be expecting your series this fall!
Well, now I’ll definitely HAVE to write it! 🙂 Thanks for the encouragement. And keep praying that God will open doors for you. I think when we have that heart’s desire that He’s put there He will use it. It’s just tough sometimes.
Want to throw in another reason. It’s also hard to ask for help when you’re told to suck it up and deal with it on your own.
I’m so sorry you’ve been told to just suck it up and fix it yourself. That is so NOT what life with Jesus (and being part of His Body) is about. You have sisters and brothers who can (and should) walk alongside you and your husband.
Hi Sheila.Thanks for re-running the post.It is really helpful.I look forward to the series.
My husband and I have tried to get a mentor couple other than our best couple (who leave 400kms away!)but it’s like no one in church really wants to tackle or share the real issues though there are couples who have separated under the watch of the church.
I often tell younger couples that marriage and parenting is work(having been married close to 5years) but clearly people have their rosy Hollywood picture of marriage and Facebook isn’t helping either (Everyone has a perfect spouse,perfect cute kids and homes and they even get to on holidays too).
Glad to say that my hubby and I try to share our experiences with younger couples when we can and when they respond positively, we are encouraged to share the more.
Ive learned to vet my advisors rigorously bc I had to take trusted advisors with a grain of salt after receiving really bad advice, from being told by “christian marriage mentors” to “lock him out of the house until he learns” Or you ask for help and are told you should seek professional help while “christian” professional help writes one of you off as “unchangeable”. Or repeatedly you’re reminded by Christians that sometimes people just can’t make marriage work. And the one who actually listens is encouraging but gives no actual advice…..
The thing I don’t understand, particularly about marriage (and other serious issues) mentoring is; what if you don’t feel that you can help? What about those real weighty issues that exist in some people’s marriages that require a more professional approach? I know you are educated in such matters and have lots of experience with your blog and ministry etc and it’s just ‘your thing.’ But some of us who have been married for a long time, have weathered some ups and downs in their married life, are happy and might seem like good candidates for mentoring are not necessarily equipped to deal with other people’s serious problems. We are always told by counsellors and psychologists not to ‘advise’ people, but just to listen to them, let them talk. Sometimes that’s enough and it gives them space to decide what they want to do. I would be worried that any ‘advice’ I might offer would make matters worse. I hope it would be acceptable to kindly turn down a request to mentor and perhaps point them in the direction of someone who would be better suited. I mean, if I was asking something of someone who said they were not confident, would I want them involved? No, I don’t think so. On the other hand if someone wanted me to mentor them about their child with learning disabilities, or how to stick to a budget, manage their time when retired, lose a lot of weight (should have put that one first), then I’m your woman. I would love to do that.