Like many of you, I’ve been sickened by the story of the Stanford swimmer who sexually assaulted an unconscious woman, and received only 6 months in jail.
And especially sickened by his father’s letter to the judge, asking the judge to consider the boy’s “20 years of life” rather than “20 minutes of action”. After all, what’s twenty minutes?
When I read the victim’s 7000 word statement, I was cheering all the way.
So today, while I’m still a little under the weather and I’m having all these deep thoughts, I’d like to share a few things that have occurred to me.
1. Rape Culture Can Make Rape Seem Not That Bad
Don’t take this the wrong way, but I have a little bit of sympathy for Brock Turner. Not sympathy in the sense of “he could have had such a good life” or “it’s too bad he’s getting all this media attention”, but rather sympathy because all Brock did was live out what he had been taught.
That doesn’t lessen his moral culpability, by the way. It’s just that I can totally picture an 18-year-old growing up in an affluent family where the parents bend themselves backwards for him, and growing up in our pornographic culture which makes violent sex seem normal, getting drunk one night and doing this.
It doesn’t mean I think he’s not responsible.
It’s just that he is the epitome of what we have created.
We have created entitled kids. We have filled the internet with porn which normalizes sexual violence (one of the big negative effects of porn is that rape is seen as “not that big of a deal”). We have rap music which celebrates rape. We have a college culture which brags about promiscuity.
And so one night he gets drunk, she gets drunk, and he does this.
Note, too: The alcohol is not to blame. Alcohol does not turn us into different people. Alcohol only lowers our inhibitions, so that we’re more likely to do the things we may want to but would never do in polite company. Millions of people get drunk every night in North America without raping anybody. His own conscience was the deciding factor, not the alcohol.
I think we live in a culture where rape is somehow seen as normal. Think about it: 50 Shades of Grey turns what is arguably sexual violence into something that is erotic. The fastest selling sex toys today are things that are supposed to inflict pain (or at least mimic something that causes pain). Sex acts that are depicted most often in pornography are not acts which are mutually satisfying but instead acts which are objectifying and degrading.
We have lost the beauty of sex and made objectification of the other person normal.
So in all of that culture, is it any wonder that the dad can look at the fact that his son dragged an unconscious woman behind a dumpster, cut her up with pine needles, shoved something inside of her, and then say it was only “20 minutes of action”?
Tragically, it’s not. And in her letter, the survivor (I like that word better; let’s call her that) wrote so eloquently about the emotional trauma that she has experienced since–the sleepless nights, the crying fits, the fear to sleep in the dark. Something precious was stolen from her.
And I know that so many of you who come here everyday have something like this in your background. It may have been sexual abuse as a child. It may have been date rape. It may have been some other form of sexual assault. But your ability to trust and to see sex as something positive has been severely damaged. In her letter where she’s addressing Brock, she writes:
My independence, natural joy, gentleness, and steady lifestyle I had been enjoying became distorted beyond recognition. I became closed off, angry, self deprecating, tired, irritable, empty. The isolation at times was unbearable. You cannot give me back the life I had before that night either. While you worry about your shattered reputation, I refrigerated spoons every night so when I woke up, and my eyes were puffy from crying, I would hold the spoons to my eyes to lessen the swelling so that I could see. I showed up an hour late to work every morning, excused myself to cry in the stairwells, I can tell you all the best places in that building to cry where no one can hear you…
I can’t sleep alone at night without having a light on, like a five year old, because I have nightmares of being touched where I cannot wake up, I did this thing where I waited until the sun came up and I felt safe enough to sleep. For three months, I went to bed at six o’clock in the morning.
I used to pride myself on my independence, now I am afraid to go on walks in the evening, to attend social events with drinking among friends where I should be comfortable being. I have become a little barnacle always needing to be at someone’s side, to have my boyfriend standing next to me, sleeping beside me, protecting me. It is embarrassing how feeble I feel, how timidly I move through life, always guarded, ready to defend myself, ready to be angry.
I think many could relate to that.
2. And Yet…And Yet…There is Healing from Sexual Assault
I called this post “How 20 Minutes of Action Can Steal a Life”. I didn’t call it “How 20 Minutes of Action WILL Steal a Life.” Yes, rape and sexual assault CAN define you and CAN cause tremendous harm that will last a lifetime.
But I don’t think it has to.
I can’t write this as a sexual abuse survivor because, thank God, I am not one. I have endured many things, but that was not one of them. And so I want to write very carefully now because I know that I haven’t walked in those shoes, and I am very sensitive to the fact that I can’t really imagine what it is like. So please forgive me if I am being presumptuous.
Let me raise a different scenario, totally separate from rape: I have held the dead body of my son.
Many people will tell you that losing a child will haunt you your whole life and you never recover from it.
Again, I don’t think that needs to be true.
What I have learned is that there is healing in Christ. Healing doesn’t mean that you forget that it happened or that the grief goes away. Healing, I find, is in the ability to recognize “this is a part of who I am now” but that part does not mean I can’t function well in real life. I can still be sad. I can still grieve. But I am also able to live the rest of my life to the fullest.
That is what healing is–looking into the reality and depth of the hurt, seeing the truth of God and the truth of eternity in that hurt, and then being able to walk forward with the hurt. You don’t deny it or hide it. You shine God’s very strong light onto it, and see it as God sees it.
In the case of sexual assault, you see that Jesus grieves, too. You see that God promises that there will be justice. You see that God says your hurts do not define you; God’s love and grace define you. You see that no matter what happens in this life, God can give you a super-natural peace that will follow you into the next life–and that you can even experience joy in Him because you know that this life is not all there is, and that God wants to do an amazing thing even in this weakness.
I hope that you all can experience that, and if you’re not there yet, please ask someone to pray with you or, better still, see a counselor. God put is in the body of Christ so that we could help each other!
3. You Don’t Need Your Abuser’s Confession to Heal
The third thing that really hit me is something I got from the survivor’s letter: She was so obviously hoping for closure, which would come when he admitted what he did. First, she hoped that he would admit it so they wouldn’t have to go to trial; he didn’t. Then she hoped she would admit it at the trial; he didn’t. Then she hoped he would admit and acknowledge it after the trial in his statement; he still didn’t, apologizing only for getting drunk.
Listen to what she says when she’s addressing him in her letter:
Lastly, you said: I want to show people that one night of drinking can ruin a life.
A life, one life, yours, you forgot about mine. Let me rephrase for you, I want to show people that one night of drinking can ruin two lives. You and me. You are the cause, I am the effect. You have dragged me through this hell with you, dipped me back into that night again and again. You knocked down both our towers, I collapsed at the same time you did. If you think I was spared, came out unscathed, that today I ride off into sunset, while you suffer the greatest blow, you are mistaken. Nobody wins. We have all been devastated, we have all been trying to find some meaning in all of this suffering. Your damage was concrete; stripped of titles, degrees, enrollment. My damage was internal, unseen, I carry it with me. You took away my worth, my privacy, my energy, my time, my safety, my intimacy, my confidence, my own voice, until today.
She then goes on to talk about how he was the guilty one; he assaulted her. And she says very powerfully:
You are guilty. Twelve jurors convicted you guilty of three felony counts beyond reasonable doubt, that’s twelve votes per count, thirty six yeses confirming guilt, that’s one hundred percent, unanimous guilt. And I thought finally it is over, finally he will own up to what he did, truly apologize, we will both move on and get better. Then I read your statement.
If you are hoping that one of my organs will implode from anger and I will die, I’m almost there. You are very close. This is not a story of another drunk college hookup with poor decision making. Assault is not an accident. Somehow, you still don’t get it. Somehow, you still sound confused.
I don’t know if Brock Turner will ever get over his confusion and understand the gravity of what he did. I don’t know if he will ever apologize for real.
Yet it sounds like that is what she was really hoping for. And isn’t that the cry of every victim? “If only he will see what he did to me.” If he gets it, then the the person who objectified you will now see you as a person, too.
But while it’s helpful for healing, it can’t be necessary.
If someone hurt you in the past, do not rely on that person acknowledging it to bring about your healing.
My father leaving hurt me terribly. I always hoped that he would somehow “get” it and we could have a real conversation about it. He now has Alzheimer’s. That hope is gone. And I’m honestly okay with that, because I learned a long time ago that the fact that my father doesn’t understand what he did does not reflect on me as a person. My identity is in Christ. My father did not take my identity away, and so he does not have the power to give it back. Only God does.
If you are still waiting for your abuser to “get it”, then you are still giving your abuser power over you.
If someone hurt you, they took something from you, yes. But if you understand that your identity is in Christ, then you don’t need that person’s acknowledgment to give you back your strength, your power, your courage. You can find that in God.
And I truly, from the bottom of my heart, hope and pray that you all do.
Those are the thoughts I’ve had this week as I’ve read the letters and the news reports and the outrage. I hope they are helpful. And, as I sit here coughing and wishing that this cold would go away, I’d love to know what you think, too. Does any of that resonate? Or did you have other thoughts about the trial? Let’s talk in the comments!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
As a mom who also held the dead body of her infant son, I read again and again your definition of healing. I’m going to write it down and hang it up. My son’s name was Titus and the verse I cling to for healing is Titus 1:2 “In hope of eternal life, which God, that cannot lie, promised before the world began”
“That is what healing is- looking into the reality and depth of the hurt, seeing the truth of God and the truth of eternity in that hurt, and then being able to walk forward with the hurt. You don’t deny it or hide it. You shine God’s very strong light onto it, and see it as God sees it.”
I’m going to share your quote on my Facebook. Thank you for the encouragement!
I’m so glad, Megan! And I’m so, so sorry about your son. So sorry.
I loved that definition of healing too. Traumatic experiences become part of who you are but they are not all that you are! I haven’t experienced anything like this myself, but I have walked alongside several very close friends experiencing those things, and I can say that this is true. When They let God touch them in the brokenness and bring his healing into whatever the life shattering hurt they become new, the hurt is part of them now but it is not their identity. God can make into something with a very unique beauty.
Light when it is whole looks white, but when it is broken it doesn’t disappear or become darkness. Broken light reveals a full spectrum of colors! The colors were always in the light, but they only are revealed when it is broken.
Love that image! (And I like to think that God sees me as purple. 🙂 ).
I don’t know this story. We have had no news coverage of this in South Africa. But, we have daily news stories of rape. In fact, a rape survivor here in South Africa (by two apparent Satanists) had her belly cut open, and her neck cut that when she walked to find help, she had to hold her insides in with one hand and her head on with the other. I cannot fathom what must happen or how you even begin to cope. Her name is Alison – and the one thing that Alison has said about her ordeal (paraphrasing): It doesn’t ever go away. It becomes part of you, you can’t deny it happened, but you allow God to breathe His life into it and then you take it with you – free from the hurt and pain it caused, but changed all the same. I think she said something quite similar to what you are saying.
My heart breaks for women – all women – who go through this kind of sexual torment. And I love what you say – its not up to the perpertrator to acknowledge what they have done. We find our healing in God and God alone. They can’t take our identity – so the can’t give it back. We belong to the mighty King and I am forever grateful for that – no matter what our life story is.
Oh, wow. I have read the horrible stories of gang rape in South Africa–and India and there was a recent horrific one in Brazil, too. How do women survive these things? How do they go on? Just the grace of God. When I hear of these things I’m not sure that educating guys on how horrible rape is will even help. I think someone who would do these things already knows how horrible it is. It is just plain evil. There is too much evil around. Lord, have mercy.
You are so right! I was raped at a college party, and it does not define my life. It was awful and traumatic and it did change everything for me, but with good counseling and time (almost 15 years) I’ve been able to move through it. There is healing in Christ. I will never know who raped me, I will never not have been raped, and I will never be glad that I was raped so that I could be healed from it, but I am no longer in that raw place where I was and that is because of God’ love and grace.
That’s wonderful, Emily! Thanks for sharing. There IS healing.
Sheila. If you’re interested, I wrote about this from the perspective of a man, a husband, and a Christian apologist. My wife has undergone abuse as well and that affects us to this day. http://deeperwaters.ddns.net/?p=9440
The biggest problem, because the perpetrators will NEVER understand what they did was WRONG, is the lack of punishment. And EQUITABLE punishment. I fully believe in the death penalty for rapists and child molestors. Murder is NOT the worst thing you can do to a person. That only kills the body. Sexual assault can and does kill the soul. That’s way way worse. I’ve seen the after affects too many times to count. If the Christian community wants to help, they need to start standing up for women’s rights and equality instead trying to drag us back to the 18th century where we have no rights or voice.
Yep! I don’t think many predators will ever understand how devastating rape is. So deterrence is all we have. Which is just so, so sad.
And thank God for men like that football player interviewed on CNN (i forget his name) who blatantly said “this is disgusting” referring to the crime and the lack of punishment. Please men, speak out more! Train your young boys better!
Shelia,
I loved your definition of healing and the damage different types of trauma can have on someone. I do have one question…. Could you elaborate on this one part of your definition “….seeing the truth of God and the truth of eternity in that hurt…”? I want to take this time to let you know how you have ministered to me through your blog over the past year. Healing is slow but it is there to be found. Thank you for being one part of guiding me through these high waters.
The problem is not only the abuse but what can happen after. Victims of abuse often slide into promiscuous behaviour (I did) which includes prostitution and porn (many many sex workers were abused in their past!). You live out the identity you were given by the abuse: an object to be used. Sex is often the only way survivors know how to get “love and affection”. And if all you know is abusive sex and men using your body, then you have no idea what healthy sex looks like. I have nor had sex with my husband for 3 years because the years of being abused and used have just destroyed me. I am in therapy now for PTSD, depression and anxiety. And God has helped me so much through all of this. I am beginning to see why I am the way I am and what has actually happened to me. But I cant have sex. The thought of it makes me want to run. Its the most disgusting and dirty and shameful thing ever to me. I believe that God will heal my marriage but I think it will take a long time. And I believe there are other ways to be intimate if illness doesnt allow for sex (and in my opinion mental illness counts just as much as something physical!). But its hard because the church puts such an emphasis on sex. You HAVE to do it in your marriage otherwise God will not be happy! And I believe that is wrong. It leaves no room for people like me or people who cant have sex for other reasons. My marriage is worth just as much and I love my husband and he loves me. Actually, going through this really makes you learn about the love of God because we are together despite of my problems. Sex is important in a healthy, normal marriage I agree. But if you are mentally ill, sex can be so destructive and I dont believe that our Abba would approved of the pressure that survivors are put under by the church. Turning sex into a must makes it abusive all over. So I wish there would be more grace for people like me. And maybe bible verses that say you shouldnt withhold yourself from your spouse are not meant for everyone without exception. That kind of bible reading is quite destructive in my opinion.
Amanda, thank you so much for sharing, and I’m so sorry about the road you’re walking–but so glad that you’re drawing closer to God through it! I definitely agree that there are times and instances where having sex can actually hurt one’s ability to experience real intimacy in the long run. Sort of the “do not awaken love before it is ready” idea from Song of Solomon. We have to deal with these underlying hurts.
And I agree with you, too, about the promiscuity problem. I have never known a story of a sex worker who does not also involve a history of abuse. It’s similar to prisons–the vast majority of prisoners also have histories of abuse, whether sexual or physical. And until we start treating these things seriously, and start promoting healthy family life for real, it’s only going to keep happening. So sad!
I have the same problem. Intimacy is very hard for me too. I wish the church/christians would stop hammering the idea of needing to have sex otherwise the husband will be tempted and it will be our fault. There are a number circumstances where intimacy isn’t possible– long distance, medications, health issues… certainly having abuse issues should be allowed as a reason also? There are a number of men who are unable or don’t want intimacy for similar reasons. Women aren’t the only ones who are “sexually frigid”. Healing does take time, and God does give us grace — divine influence upon our hearts. Seeking Him. <3
Hi Sheila,
Thank you so much for this today. I have read your blog daily for 4 years and I feel like this post has brought me full circle in the healing God has done in my life. 5 years ago I gave birth to my first child, after 48 hours of abuse under hospital “care”. I developed PTSD, which took 2 years to diagnose and get help for. Now, I am one week from delivering my second child (the due date is only a week before my first’s birthday). As delivery gets closer and unavoidable I am finding myself struggling more and more with coping through the traumatic memories. This post today reminds me of how far God has brought me. That hospital staff 5 years ago and now 1,000 miles away stole everything from me and I left there a shell of who I used to be. My marriage all but crumbled, my precious baby reminded me constantly of the trauma, I lost all of my friendships, we moved across the country to find new beginnings. I can’t begin to describe the ripple effect the trauma has had on my life. I couldn’t remember how to even pretend to be who I used to be. I had no identity. Except I knew Jesus and I clung to him with everything I had, even when I couldn’t see past the darkness that surrounded me, I continued to walk through it towards Jesus. And He patiently and gently transformed me and is restoring every part of my life in His perfect timing. He used your blog to help me overcome the barrier PTSD put on my husband and I’s very damaged physical relationship. Every time we tried to be intimate I would have flashbacks and see the doctors and nurses between my legs, not my husband, and It would end in panic attacks my dear husband had to help me settle down from. We now have a very healthy wonderful intimate life again and for that I cannot thank you enough!!! The 31 days to great sex is where we started and that helped me so much, from there we have continued to heal together. I have found my identity again and my secular therapist has been astonished in my level of recovery. I don’t know what to say but to God be the glory! He has pulled me through this. The pain is still there but I can separate the here and now from the past, which seemed impossible before. Anyway, now that I am about to deliver another baby (with a very kind, supportive doctor) I am feeling those old symptoms resurface and I am starting to panic again; just this morning crying out to God about my fears of what is to come. And I come check out your post and tears flood my eyes.
“You see that God says your hurts do not define you; God’s love and grace define you. You see that no matter what happens in this life, God can give you a super-natural peace that will follow you into the next life–and that you can even experience joy in Him because you know that this life is not all there is, and that God wants to do an amazing thing even in this weakness.”
I am writing that down and bringing it to the hospital with me to remind me of how far God has brought me and that trauma is not all there is, there can be joy and peace and healing, even if things go bad again, He is holding me. So thank you Sheila, I am so appreciative of your ministry (and so is my husband!).
Oh, Molly, thank you so much for sharing this with me! It brought tears to my eyes. It’s more confirmation of what I shared in this post, actually, about how when we give up dreams it’s only because God has something else for us. I gave up dreams to write, and daily God shows me through letters like yours why I did that. So thank you!
And GOD BLESS you as you bring your second child into this world. May God surround you with His love and presence. May the pain be minimal and the joy be stupendous. Maybe you feel His comfort and may you feel such profound wonder as you meet your baby. May you always know that God goes before you and behind you; he is above you and below you. He is all around you and you are never alone.
Oh Molly, I feel with you. I have had some effects of hospital procedures during birth who ended up negatively effecting my marriage and I still feel a lump in my throat just to think of hospital birth. Fortunately I was able to have two homebirth a since then and planning for my third if all goes well. But the slight chance of ending up in a hospital for birth (premature delivery, or if some health issue with the baby is discovered, or even an emergency transfer during the homebirth) still make me prepare for that event… My first recommendation is to have your husband pray in the delivery room and give God lordship over the room, staff and birth! This for me is one of those most significant things to know in the homebirth that I know who is in charge in my home (God – not some arrogant doctor or hospital protocol).
Second, I just recently found this song from Jonathan and Melissa helser “no longer slaves” it’s a proclamation that we are no longer slaves to fear, but are a child of God! I cried whenever I listened to it when the fear crept up!
Here a link to the song:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=XxkNj5hcy5E
I hope this second birth will bring you further in your healing and make you even more confident in the goodness of God. I pray for a peaceful and joyful delivery! My second and third birth have felt like a very intense and beautiful prayer session bringing new life into the world with in colaboration with the Holy Spirit!
My wife has PTSD as well and it’s hard for her to be intimate with me. I’m hoping we can go through Sheila’s book together as well which I do have and that it will be what opens us up. I’d like us to have the intimate relationship God meant for us to have. Your story also gives me hope.
I know how she feels. My husband and I are going through the same thing. I cant have sex with him, it would just kill me. It has nothing to do with him. He is the best husband ever and I love him so much. But sex to me is just degrading, dirty, shameful and painful. The thought of it makes me want to run away or curl up in a little ball to protect myself. I am in therapy but healing is taking a long time. I am telling you all this because I want you to know that your wife probably feels the same way. It probably has nothing to do with you at all. It is possible to love your husband and hate sex because of what it has done to you. I dont find sex pleasurable at all. To me its a man using my body in order to pleasure himself. Thats how it feels to me. And thats why my husband doesnt pressure me. He would never want me to do something that makes me feel so bad. If some physical disease caused a sexless marriage then everyone would be ok with it. Because its not possible physically. But im my opinion mental illness is the same. Its really even though you cant see it. Imagine your wife having cancer. Her body is weak and fragile, she is in pain and has no strength left. Sex would probably not be possible. Who would want to have sex with someone who is suffering so badly, especially if it made her feel even worse than she already does. Your wife has this cancer. But its a cancer of the soul. And she needs “soul-chemo” and other treatment. And they take a long time. And they will probably make her feel worse during the process. And even when the cancer is gone it could come back at any time. Thats what PSTD is. Its cancer of the soul. I hope that helps you to understand your wife a little more 🙂
It really is shocking and I almost cried when I read her letter. We have another case here in Germany where the victim was found guilty of false accusations because the court doesn’t believe that she was raped. Well, sometimes it is hard to proof that someone has been raped when there were no witnesses. However, there are thousands, maybe even millions of witnesses because the two men that raped her made a video out of it, tried to sell it and eventually put it on the internet. Many people have seen it and reported it, because they felt it shows rape. So the judges saw the video, too, and heard her begging them to stop multiple times… And the two men only got punished for putting the video online, but not for rape. And then, they accused the victim to lie and now she’s found guilty. Just that day, the video reappeared on multiple porn sides.
Oh, my word. How absolutely awful! How can things like this happen?
The sad truth is that many people will never get justice in this life. But that doesn’t mean that there isn’t ultimately justice. You think throughout history–how many people were falsely found guilty, how many were falsely imprisoned or killed for no reason. Unfortunately it seems to be endemic to humanity. And so in these absolutely horrific cases I think all we can do is cry out to God. And be thankful that Jesus does plead our case.
Can she try to sue the porn company running the video? They are running it without her permission and Hulk Hogan (a famous wrestler in the US) recently won his case against a porn company that was, without permission, pandering a sex tape video of him.
This hit home with me today. I was sexually abused as a child for 9 years by the man I called my dad. I was 11 when I told my grandparents, who took it to the police. My adoptive mom vehemently denied it and to this day still blames me for what happened. My abuser never apologized and passed away 2 years ago. Despite all this, I have found healing, and I have no anger or bitterness in my heart against my abuser and his enabler, but I’d be lying to say that 9 years of abuse didn’t leave a long lasting scar. I still have nightmares, though they are few and far between now. I am thankful to have a husband who is patient and loving through my good days and bad days. I am thankful for those who spoke truth in my life, who stood by me during the court trial, who prayed diligently for me. One thing I remember from my high school youth group, was one teacher spoke about forgiveness, and how unforgiveness is like carrying around a dead body, and to imagine carrying that with you throughout your life! And through my experience, I have learned that forgiveness is not just “one and done”, it’s a process (that why Jesus said seventy times seven!). Thank you for this post today. ❤️
Oh, I’m so grateful for your grandparents! That’s wonderful to have some people who believe you, even if your adoptive mother didn’t. Some people will always operate in lies and pain because that’s easier for them than seeing the truth.
And how wonderful about what God has showed you since. Yes, it still impacts you, and I think that’s okay. That doesn’t mean you’ve done anything wrong or “haven’t forgiven enough” or anything. It just means that we’re fragile beings. And the fact that you can walk forward and get married and rejoice in that marriage and rejoice in forgiveness just says so much about the power of God! Yay! He’s here, even in our brokenness, and that’s wonderful.
And I agree–forgiveness is always a process. I think it’s also that as we learn more about ourselves we sometimes see more areas where we need to forgive, maybe more areas of impact. It doesn’t mean that you didn’t forgive fully the first time, only that as we become more complex, I think forgiveness does as well, if that makes sense.
How could you have sex without wanting to curl up and die? I have been praying for 3 years and I have been in therapy for almost a year now. The thought of sex makes me feel so full of shame and dirty. The thought of my husband touching me that way makes me want to run. And cry. And hide. How did you do it? I so wish I could 🙁
By no longer allowing myself to be controlled and consumed by Satan’s lies and destruction, and instead speak and pray God’s truths. Comparing sex with a spouse to rape or abuse is like comparing a filet mingnon to arsenic. There is no comparison.
Thank you for writing this. Number three especially hit home with me. My abuser didn’t give me my identity, so I don’t need his permission to get it back. I’ve been learning to find my identity in God. It’s harder than it sounds. 🙂
Okay, you finally summed it up so well! I was trying to figure out how to say that in a “pithy” way, but you just did it: “My abuser didn’t give me my identity, so I don’t need his permission to get it back.”. Thank you!
“Note, too: The alcohol is not to blame. Alcohol does not turn us into different people. Alcohol only lowers our inhibitions, so that we’re more likely to do the things we may want to but would never do in polite company. Millions of people get drunk every night in North America without raping anybody. His own conscience was the deciding factor, not the alcohol.”
Yes to all of this. I never thought of the eroticization of violence in porn, but you are absolutely right. Also, there are gender dynamic issues: boys are aggressors who are entitled to things—money, success, privilege—and girls are innocent princesses who have things GIVEN to them. In frat culture in particular, women are seen as accessories and trophies. Along with that comes objectification but also passivity is expected from women. So then a passed-out young woman who is the definition of passivity somehow owes something to this young man. Even if porn is taken out of the equation, I think this entitlement and gender disparity will continue—because THAT is where the porn comes from. From pride, disrespect, and the inability to revere the “other.”
Thank you so much for posting a very intelligent response to this whole issue. I think your words will be healing for many.
Um, here’s the only thing. With the caveat being that I think he fully deserved the judgment against him — alcohol can very much cloud your perception. They were grinding against each other, making out, and groping, and she willingly went off with him. He was (slightly) more sober than she was and deserves punishment, but it’s entirely possible that he wasn’t sober enough to be aware if / when she passed out or how intoxicated she was. As in, the alcohol could well have confused him into thinking that he was doing was okay because other actions leading up to then had been okay.
Sunny-dee, I do think that alcohol can cloud your perception, but I still don’t think that it can make you do something you wouldn’t otherwise want to do. And the only evidence we have that she willingly went off with him is HIS testimony, right? There’s no corroboration to that?
What I liked about the survivor’s letter, too, is that she did own up to her own part in getting too drunk. She didn’t sugar coat that. We really do need to teach girls especially how to limit drinking at parties (which isn’t to blame the victim; the victim herself agrees with this!)
Well, there were dozens of people at the party, and none of them saw or heard him force her, and given how drunk they both were, it’s highly unlikely he could have sneaked her out. There were witnesses who saw them together dancing (or that’s how I read her letter; I haven’t looked into the transcripts or anything) and even the prosecutor said that he “led” her away, not forced. She went with him willingly, she was just blacked out.
What I read, in part, in her letter was a complaint that she couldn’t go out drinking with friends anymore without freaking out and she blamed him for that. She even minimized it at the beginning, saying she didn’t realize how much her tolerance had dropped since college. That’s not owning her behavior; that’s excusing it.
Look, I want it clear — I AM NOT DEFENDING HIM. Just want that stated. But they both got drunk and they both left the party together. Apparently, he didn’t even realize she was unconscious until the two grad students found them, and then he tried to run away.
Also, I strongly object to you blaming “frat culture” as inherently evil. My cousin-in-law was in a frat, is a solid Christian, and is in medical school. He treats his young wife (my cousin) with nothing but respect and consideration, and has been a good friend to me. I had frat friends in college (though I was not in a sorority) who were nothing but good to me. It is mean-spirited to say, “frats are the epitome of evil and perpetuating porn, rape, violence, and the objectification of women” for no other reason but that you think frats are “entitled.” That’s no different than blaming all jocks or all people of a given race or all men, in general.
I hear what you’re saying, but I’m not entirely sure about that. There’s no doubt that the frat culture has been in the news a ton over the last decade because of tons of stories just like this. There may be some good frats, but it does seem like the Greek culture, or whatever you want to call it, definitely has an issue with alcohol and objectification of women. That doesn’t mean that ALL fraternities or bad or all frat boys are bad, but I think that you can say that the frat culture has problems without inherently blaming every fraternity member, just like you can say that our pornographic culture objectifies women without implying that every single male objectifies women. I think there is such a thing as a frat culture, and it is really problematic today, and I do think that frats need to deal with this (and it sounds like your cousin’s frat did!)
Well, except a lot of those stories ended up being hoaxes. I’m not super up on this, so I could be missing some, but the Duke lacrosse story, the Mattress Girl case at Colombia, and the UVa / Rolling Stone article were not only proven to be false, but resulted in legal actions against the accusers. As we used to joke in the news business, the big story makes page one, the retraction makes page B-12.
Thanks for that, Heather!
Words I need today. I’ve had so many reminders in the last 5 days that God sees me as an individual person…He knows what I need, just when I needed, and perhaps I can ask say..He wants to provide it. I was physically, emotionally and sexually abused by my birth parents &a couple other men they allowed into our home for the 1st 11 years of my life. At the time I didn’t think of it as abuse, but punishment for my own failings. They gave me up when I was 11, and I saw this as God’s rescue, giving me a chance to be a better person. This included forgetting what was in the past. I thought being thankful for God’s new provision meant that if I hurt over or blamed anyone besides myself I was ungrateful. Since I saw the responsibility falling squarely on me, I denied and buried what happened…until a couple years ago when life events in the present begin to bring those memories back to the forefront and I felt a direct “calling” from God that those hurts remain a barrier in my desire for a deeper walk with Him. I’ve probably spent more time resisting in the last two years than I spent facing…this is simply a hard hard road. While there are many great truths in your post to hang on to, it is the reminder today that God is not in the business of denying reality…and He doesn’t require me to be either. I still struggle to understand that He grieves for me or why He chooses to allow some things but not others – maybe a little bit of a “why me, why that” mentality. I am clear He didn’t cause it and that He wants healing for me. Thank you for the reminder to keep moving. He has put some very helpful resources in my path in the last month that I will continue to engage. Thanks again.
So glad! I am constantly reminded that healing only comes when we SEE reality close up, for what it is. How can we forgive, get rid of the bitterness, or even grieve if we can’t face what it is that happened? God isn’t scared of our pasts or our memories; and He gently wants us to face them, in His timing, too. It sounds like that time is here for you now (you likely couldn’t have handled it earlier, and God knew that). But I can only imagine how hard it must be! Keep clinging to Him, and I pray that He will help you to see through His eyes.
This is all so true. Unfortunately, our culture gives such horrible messages about sex to boys and young men. This young man is absolutely responsible for his actions; in addition, our culture is responsible for constantly putting twisted ideas of sex in front of young people and then acting surprised when men and boys behave wrongly. This nonsense cannot be how you see sex over and over and not have it affect you in some way. Anything goes does not work!
So true!
Alcohol is definitely not to blame. As another blogger wrote, she witnessed teen girls being fondled by the youth leader. They were sober, they were dressed “conservatively,” they were at church. It’s not the clothing, alcohol consumption, or behavior of the victim that brings on rape. It’s viewing women as objects to be used.
After reading the father’s letter, it’s no surprise his son is a rapist. And I wonder what that man’s wife has endured.
Thank you for writing about healing.
I know I seem emotional about this, but I had a completely opposite reaction when I was reading her letter. It was like watching a slow-motion train wreck, and I was inwardly screaming “MAKE BETTER CHOICES” by the end of her second paragraph. It’s like watching a little kid run out in the road after a ball. I want to shake her and say, “What were you thinking? What did you think was going to happen?” Honestly, I have some cousins with less than good sense and situational awareness, and I can see them getting toasted and doing (or letting be done) God-knows-what to them. It’s a fear.
Pardon if I sound upset by the tone of your comment, sunny-dee, because I am. The victim (I prefer to call her a survivor) owned up to getting drunk fully and completely. She said it was her only night with her sister and I quote “go, dance like a fool, and embarrass my younger sister.” You make it sound like she planned to get drunk, black out, and purposely allow Brock to viciously rape her. Saying “getting toasted and doing (or letting be done) God-knows what to them.” in reference to your cousins makes me mad. This young woman has good sense. You make it sound like she knew he was going to attack her and willingly let him do it. In reference to your earlier comments, you said he “didn’t know she was unconscious until the two grad students found them.” Those two grad students could tell she was unconscious, IN the DARK, at a DISTANCE (capital for emphasis, not trying to yell.) He was RIGHT ON TOP OF HER and couldn’t tell she was unconscious? Those grad students could see she was unconscious FROM A DISTANCE. I don’t know if the rapist is blind or dumb, but I think I would be able to tell that someone is unconscious, especially if I’m right on top of them. I saw where you said she “went with him willingly, but was blacked out.” If you are blacked out, you cannot willingly do anything! “Her letter was a complaint that she couldn’t go out drinking with friends anymore without freaking out and she was blaming him for that.” A person does not freak out about simply going out with friends for nothing. Did you read the whole letter, or just zero in on that one part, like it was the basis of the whole thing? You are basically doing exactly what the rapist did, minimizing the victim’s trauma simply because she drank too much, (which she admitted to) and now has PTSD and has difficulty going out drinking with her friends because she’s terrified of being raped again. I can understand her fear. Not because I’ve been raped, but because I’ve been abused. Unless you have personally been where she is, I would have nothing but sympathy for her. It sounds like you are trying to give him an excuse. PLEASE DON’T. Saying what you have here sounds like you’re blaming her, and that is not acceptable.
Sheila, if you want to delete this comment, go ahead. I just wanted to address this.
Coincidently, my wife just sent me this wonderful article, written by Kristen Oganowski: “We need to stop thinking that ‘good boys’ don’t rape.” Here is the long and the short web address of the site (both work): http://tinyurl.com/z9aevwh OR http://www.goodhousekeeping.com/life/parenting/a38915/teaching-my-sons-about-rape/?mag=ghk&list=nl_gga_news&src=nl&date=061216 http://tinyurl.com/z9aevwh
“When somebody says stop, you STOP.” This message is a constant remark in my house. I have three children — three boys — all who like to wrestle with one another, all who like to torment each other, as siblings often do.
I don’t just repeat this message to teach my kids about others’ boundaries. I also repeat it to teach them not to rape.
Now, in light of the Brock Turner case, there is another message that I want to send to my children: If somebody can’t say stop, you don’t even start in the first place.
My children are still small — only 10, 8 and 4 years old. Two of them have probably never even heard the word “rape” before. Nonetheless, it’s never too early to teach our kids about rape — about consent and agency and bodily autonomy.
Our current culture demands it.
In his letter to Judge Aaron Persky, Brock Turner’s father wrote that his son was a “very humble person” with a “very gentle and quiet nature.” He complained that Brock can no longer enjoy his favorite snacks or steaks, and he lamented that Brock’s easy-going, happy-go-lucky personality was all but obliterated by the consequences Brock was facing for his “20 minutes of action.”
To be clear, his son was unanimously convicted of three felony counts of sexual assault.
Brock Turner’s father quite clearly thinks that Brock was — and still is — a “good boy.” But what he never states directly is that his son is also a convicted rapist. In fact, Turner’s letter seems to suggest that all his son’s admirable characteristics cancel out the possibility that he could be a rapist.
But we need to stop thinking that “good boys” don’t rape. We need to stop accepting that rapists can only be “bad men” — the ones that hide in the bushes, waiting to pounce on unsuspecting, innocent, never-drunk, modestly-clad women.
“Good boys” — in this case, athletes from good families — can rape people too.
As the mother of three sons, this fact shakes me to my core. But it also tells me that I have work to do. And so I asked my “good boys” some good, hard questions just the other day:
If someone is sleeping, do you ever kiss them or touch them?
What about in Sleeping Beauty? What do you think about the Prince kissing Aurora even though she was sleeping? Was that right? Should you ever do something like that in real life?
What if you’re at a sleepover and someone wants to play a trick on a person who’s sleeping? Is that ever OK?
If someone says no, should you touch or kiss them?
What if someone can’t say yes or no? Should you ever touch or kiss them?
Each time, their answers were “no.” And as I told them, their answers should always be “no.”
Then came the inevitable question: Mom, why are you asking us all these questions?
I paused for a moment before responding. Then I said something like this: “There was a college kid in California who went to a party and found a girl who’d had too much to drink. She couldn’t say yes or no to him, but he still went ahead and touched and kissed her. Now he’s going to jail, but only for a few months. And a lot of people don’t think that’s right.”
Their eyes got wide when I told them what Turner had done. They were shocked.
This shock was the faintest glimmer of the appropriate moral response to a situation like this one, and to rape in general. And I only hope that this grows stronger as they get older. I hope that what we do at home helps to push back against a culture that teaches them that women are sexual objects and that consent is only a matter of politically-correct hand-wringing.
Ending rape culture doesn’t begin with teaching girls not to get drunk or telling them how to dress.
It begins with teaching boys not to rape.
This case weighed very heavily on my heart and I had no one to share my feelings with until now. My heart goes out to the young woman whose life has been altered by the experience and sickened by the father’s comment about 20 minute “action” and ruining his son’s life. Thank you Sheila for addressing this issue and sharing your point of view.
I have been blessed with 2 boys who are now in their late 20’s. From as early as I can remember I continually taught them how important it is to respect women and be responsible. At times I felt like a broken record, but I’m proud of the young responsible men I now have raised. I think as mothers and later as grandmothers we need to keep talking to our young men. And young women as well. Reinforcing morals.
Thanks so much for weighing in on this, Sheila. It has been on my heart and mind for many days now. I think the thing that bothers me the most is the letters written by Brock’s dad and mom. (Google – they are both out there.) The dad is upset because Brock can no longer eat rib eye steak; the mom’s upset because he’ll never be able to teach Sunday school (among many other things because he’ll be a registered sex offender).
In neither letter did either one of these parents express an iota of concern for the young woman. Not once. And they have a daughter of their own, too. Wow.
The whole family is in deep sorrow, not Godly sorrow for the sins of their son, but worldly sorrow for the consequences of his sin, and how those consequences will negatively effect their family.
As the mom of both boys and girls, this is a wake up call to do a better job of teaching both genders about sexual respect and responsibility. It should be OBVIOUS that if someone is passed out (asleep, whatever — looking at you Josh Duggar) you DO NOT TOUCH their genitalia!! You DO NOT have sex with them! Girls too, and I am in no way blaming the victim here — my heart bleeds for this young woman — need to face the reality of the porn saturated, sexually deviant society we are living in. Young women are not safe alone to get drunk around men, period. If girls absolutely must, then they should have a designated “watcher” like having a designated driver, to oversee the goings on of their partying buddies, and to help keep them safe.
I could go on and on, but it’s not my blog, and you already addressed the issues very well, but suffice it to say I am disgusted by this young man and the attitudes of his parents. I pray in time that they will see where their thinking is completely off-base, and repent.
This is not about college drinking and promiscuity, it’s about rape. It’s about preying upon people who can’t defend themselves. What if it was your daughter or sister?
So well said, Michelle! And I love this: “The whole family is in deep sorrow, not Godly sorrow for the sins of their son, but worldly sorrow for the consequences of his sin, and how those consequences will negatively effect their family.” Yep. And that family will only get worse until the confront the reality of what their son did.
This post touched me deeply. As a survivor myself, I thank God daily for restoration. I used to be a happy go-lucky child but after the abuse I became so withdrawn and became anti-social. Books became my escape.
Here in Nigeria, well no one talks about abuse especially when it’s a family member. I not only survived but by God’s help I now flourish.
I discovered your website a few days ago and I have since been bingeing and let me just say thank you for this blog.