Does your marriage feel “sexy”? Or does it feel “safe”? “Routine”? “Boring”?
There’s nothing wrong with safe. There’s nothing even wrong with routine! But let’s face it: sometimes you just want to get sexy back again.
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In those early days of marriage, we likely felt the relationship was “sexy” because we made an effort. We shaved our legs. We took care of ourselves. We pulled out all the lingerie we were given at that bridal shower or bachelorette party.
Then, in the months or years since, maybe your relationship has revolved far less around sex and feeling excited by each other and far more around kids and bills and logistics and just getting through this next day. And you realize you’ve got this great guy–but you also don’t feel super excited by him anymore.
Everything has just gotten, well, boring.
But you can bring sexy back!
I’m not talking about how to be more adventurous in bed or how to spice things up–though these things are important, too! I’m not even talking about flirting with your husband. Today I just want to talk about everyday things you can do and habits you can put in place to keep that “sexy” vibe front and centre in your relationship, rather than relegating it to somewhere deep in the basement, in a box behind the furnace, that you just pull out when emergency strikes.
So today, for top 10 Tuesday, I present to you 10 things to bring sexy back to your marriage!
Let’s engage the senses–and let’s start with sight!
1. Wear pretty panties. And match the bra!
Last year, while on an RV trip with my hubby, I realized that I had forgotten to pack underwear. So we went to Wal-Mart and I bought one of those 10-packs of women’s underwear.
But I didn’t realize those particular panties came up to the belly button.
I have never felt so unsexy in my life.
Don’t wear ugly panties.
Seriously, ladies, when pretty panties are so readily available, take advantage! And, if you’re able, buy a matching bra. Or here’s what I do: for each bra that I own, I choose one panty that’s expensive that matches, and two much cheaper versions that coordinate well. And then I’m always wearing an “outfit”! And I’m sure to parade around the bedroom in it in the morning so Keith knows what’s underneath the clothes today.
So rummage through your underwear drawer and throw out all the ugly stuff. Go do it now. And then pick up some pretty stuff!
Bonus: Get a swimsuit that makes you feel sexy. I love Modcloth’s vintage two-piece suits. Some are quite modest, and I think they’re really attractive and hide a multitude of stretch marks.
2. Grab something handy!
Speaking of clothing, start thinking of sexy things you can do with guy’s clothing, too. Sure, a woman feels better in pretty underwear. But you know what’s sexy on a guy? A tie. Get creative! Grab that tie and pull him towards you into a kiss. Run the tie along your body, as if it’s an extension of him (and he’ll wish it were!).
What if he doesn’t wear a tie? Well, does he have a belt? Hook your fingers in it and pull him towards you (using the buckle right above the crotch). If he wears a toolbelt, grab a tool and use it to drag him towards you. Help him to associate different items of clothing that he wears to work with flirting with you!
3. Flash him.
You’re allowed to be an exhibitionist for your husband. Add a bit of excitement by trying to flash him at least once a day. When you’re walking around your bedroom, open up your robe. Hike your skirt up in the car (if you’re on a deserted road!). Even cuddle under a blanket naked (or topless!) to watch a movie.
4. Wear a flirty apron
Seriously, aprons are sexy! I think it’s because they’re the ultimate in feminine. And when I wear an apron when I cook–well, I just feel like a woman. And that’s important!
Flirty Aprons sells a sugar & spice apron which is seriously sexy. And you can buy men’s aprons (Kiss the Cook or CAUTION: Extremely Hot) for Father’s Day, too!
Now let’s work on another sense: hearing.
5. Have sexy, breathless conversations
There is something ever-so-sexy about whispering. Maybe it’s the breath in the ear even more than what’s being said, but try, every time you hug your husband, to whisper something sexy, even if it’s just “I love feeling your arms around me” or “I missed you today!” Don’t say it; whisper it!
And what about scent?
6. Add some sexy scents to your bedroom
Did you know that essential oils can boost your libido? Seriously, scent does a lot to help us to feel sexy!
So choose some essential oils (I’ve got ideas at this post) and add a few drops to a spritzer mixed with vodka & water and spray it on your pillow at night. Put a few drops on a candle. Or better still, get a diffuser for your bedroom!
7. Move all kid stuff out of your bathroom–and move cologne & great smelling lotions in!
If you and your husband have your own bathroom, rather than sharing it with your kids, then let it stay your bathroom! Get any kid paraphernalia out of there. And move in some candles (to deal with any unpleasant smell 🙂 ) and add some colognes and some wonderfully decadent smelling lotions.
Then USE those lotions! And encourage your husband to use some cologne (if you like it), too. Just read Song of Solomon to see the time the lovers spent preparing for each other. It’s good to get in the habit of pampering our bodies so that our spouses can enjoy them!
Finally, let’s add some sexy touch!
8. Give naked massages–regularly
I love a great back massage. It helps me decompress, helps remind me I’ve got a body, too, and helps me to focus on that body and get out of my head so that I have an easier time transitioning to sex.
And massages when we’re naked together? That just feels luscious. There’s something so special about human touch!
Here’s a treat for you–you can learn how to give the most awesome sensual but therapeutic massage with the Melt massage videos. It’s an online video course you can take that will teach you how and your husband how to give the most awesome massages–that actually work out the knots but also help you feel so sensual together.
You just watch a 5 minute video each night, while you learn a new skill. And then, at the end of the course, you’ll have a full 30-minute routine you can do (or you can do a much shorter routine that’s still effective!). Imagine how touching each other like that can help bring sexy back.
And right now, take advantage of their Father’s Day special, where you’ll get access to the foot massage course FREE. And don’t forget to download the printables you can scatter around the house to tell him what’s coming!
Check it out here. You’ll get a lifetime access, a 60-day money back guarantee, and a super-sensual marriage.
9. Shower together
Jump in the shower together regularly and lather up! It doesn’t have to take a long time, but have fun being naked together and rubbing against each other even if you’re not having sex. The more you feel each other naked, the more you’ll think of each other that way.
10. Sleep naked
I’ve never been a particularly sleep-naked-kind-of-gal because I tend to get so COLD at night. But I have a friend who swears by it! Sleeping naked helps her to always feel sexy with her husband.
So we bought a super warm duvet and now it’s easier for me to do on occasion, too! So why not make it a habit to sleep naked, especially with summer coming?
Being naked is the ultimate in sexy, because it’s something you can ONLY do with your husband.
So show some skin!
There you are–10 ideas to bring sexy back. But I’d love to hear some of yours, too! Let me know in the comments: How do you keep that sexy feeling alive? How do you keep “feeling like a woman”? Let’s talk!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Most of these I would love to have done to me as a husband. Something women need to realize is inevitably, we men will think about women. It’s going to happen. If we’re thinking about any woman, don’t you want it to be you? Let us delight in you. We really want to. If we don’t think we can do that, then it will be a more prone temptation for us to think about others. Now that in no way justifies it, but our burden can be lightened that way. In Proverbs 5 we read:
18 May your fountain be blessed,
and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.
19 A loving doe, a graceful deer—
may her breasts satisfy you always,
may you ever be intoxicated with her love.
One lady I read about years ago said “And how exactly can they satisfy him always if we never share them with him?” Even if you think negatively about your body, for the most part, we don’t. We also know that there is one woman out there that we get to delight in and bring joy to and it’s killer when we can’t do it. It leaves us thinking we’re failures as husbands no matter what else we might do right. We are unattractive or easily resistible or unappealing or anything like that.
Yes. Sex is a far far bigger deal than women realize. We essentially give woman a key to our masculinity and let them determine what kind of man they think we are. The actions will speak louder than words. You can give us words all day long, but if there is no action it will be just that. Words.
Who are you Nick Peters, that chimes in on every sex post saying how much men need sex? We all live with men, don’t you think we are aware of that? Do you realise that most of us our living with a lot of guilt about a lot of things in our life and many of us want to give our husbands the desire of their hearts, but we are running on utter exhaustion?
Woman to woman, Sheila’s advice and the advice of the community is very helpful and a good reminder to keep working in this area of our lives, but coming from a man it just feels like another guilt trip–good thing our suitcases are already packed from the last one.
Let me ask you a question–do you go on men’s marriage advice blogs and encourage them to love their wives better by helping to relieve their burdens? You must know our needs pretty well from reading this blog. Are you advising the men in your life to take responsibility for aging parents so their wives and sisters don’t have to do it all? Are you reminding men that they need to take initiative in looking after home and children, not just waiting for their wives to ask? Are you encouraging men to volunteer for not just the more prestigious church leadership positions but the lowly elementary Sunday school teacher who shows up every week? Are you reminding men that they need to organize their working lives so their wives can also pursue the dreams and passions that make them feel fully alive?
Like I said earlier, I’m grateful for Sheila’s blog and the community here. It’s good for women to have accountability with one another, but when I read your comments it feels like I’m hearing someone go on about the speck in someone else’s eye.
Hear hear Julie!
I don’t know who this Nick guy is either. I’ve been an avid blog reader of Sheila’s for years! When I met my husband, he put his mother first. She lived with us up until Aug 2014, when at age 91 her advanced dementia was just too much to handle with both of us working full-time jobs outside of the home. She never liked me anyway which is why I barely visit her at the nursing home. Nick ought to be telling fellow men that once you marry, you LEAVE your parents and CLEAVE to your wife! We are NOT second fiddles to his mother!
Amen Sarah. I couldn’t agree with you more.
Thanks for the article. I also am thankful for Mr. Nick’s comment. It was something I needed to read.
I couldn’t agree with you more nick! I often forget that the street goes both ways.. and tho I may say things to him often I forget that the simplest pull away from a cuddle could hurt worse than any words could ever make up for. my husband works hard all week and then the weekends. I cannot expect him to come home and help me with my burdens of the household. He has burdens of his own and as a wife it is my job biblicall to support him so that he will be know among the elders at the gate. If he wants to come home and relax at the end of a hard working day then he deserves it.
Is my opinion
The main thing that helps me to feel sexy is to take good care of my skin! I try to always be freshly shaved and massage in lotion while my skin is still wet, because it absorbs better! We do have little kids running around so I don’t have hours to get ready, but I try to dress cute and do my hair and makeup! My hubby doesn’t like a lot of makeup so I’ve learned how to do a “natural makeup” look that doesn’t take a ton of time. It really means a lot to me when I make the effort to look nice, and then he says “you look pretty”. 🙂 (and yes, to the matching bras and panties!)
I find that, too. When I forget to shave my legs–ugh. I feel gross.
Awesome ideas! I needed an excuse to go buy a new bra and panties! I like the smell idea also esp in the bedroom, my hubby likes fruit based smells but I tried cinnamon oil like the article about the essential oils said and my husband asked why our bedroom smelled like old apple pie:) oh well, we will stick with fruit and flower smells!
Fruity stuff it is! 🙂
I have a few different perfumes, one of which is designed to be “alluring”. I spritz that one on when I want to be extra flirty. The husband loves it. 😉
My husband works second shift, so I have to try to have enough energy for when he gets home after midnight. Since our children are grown, I don’t have to worry about having to get up early to take care of them.
I send him flirty texts with suggestions for later when he’s home. He is so excited to come home quickly, and see if I’m still interested in what I suggested (so I like to be committed to the idea of staying up and following through if I initiate)
I try to think of different ways to greet him when he gets home, but we do have an adult daughter still living with us, so there are limitations : }
It’s SO hard to find a matching bra and panty set that isn’t $$$ when you wear a 38DDDD bra. I also don’t like wearing anything but ‘granny panties’ as I have a pooch that is uncomfortable when I’ve tried High-cut, boy shorts or anything other than briefs.
It’s hard to find ANYTHING sexy when you are a plus-sized woman with big breasts. So, no Victoria’s Secret ANYTHING for me, ever! I once bought lingerie to wear to bed and was told it was pointless since it’s only gonna end up on the floor. Haven’t bought any lingerie since.
PS–I have lost close to 100 pounds in the past and I lost weight everywhere except in my bosom. :/
I have but a few bras I rotate because they cost $70 each n my size.
Awesome Article and suggestions, I’ve been trying to get the formula to keep Hubby happy and satisfied….. Wanting to want to have a great sex life is different to actually acquiring the want (desire).
Going through process of elimination like hormones/ dryness/ physical health/ eating right/ psychological/ moods/ stress/ foreplay etc etc….. I try the suggestions (and more) and it feels like just doing works, he has a great time, but I still don’t feel like my sex drive is going anywhere.
Like Jamie said, my hubby also works odd shifts, I can’t even think up “flirty texts” – where does one go to school for this???!!!
I love Nick’s post, and I don’t want my husband to not be satisfied, but how do you revive a sexual desire ?
I’ve read most of your posts Sheila, and it’s great to say things like tell him what you want to do/ or send him flirty texts…. How do I get some creative words … and then try mean it… ???
Try the Dating Divas website for flirty and fun ideas. Even text message help!
Tried ALL of these for 10 years. Hubby completely unresponsive. Even laughed at me wearing an extremely sexy lingerie bustier panty stockings and heels set. I swore to him I would never wear lingerie again. This was 4 years ago. Things have gotten better over the last 2 years but I think I’ve lost my enthusiasm for sex or sexiness, at least with him. I don’t understand women that don’t appreciate their men wanting them. I know this is a good post for a lot of people but all I can think is “I did! I tried! I wanted!”
All the ten points mentioned above are wonderful but the number 10″sleep naked” is what I used to suggest to some women who fear they had lost their sex appeal before their husband. Most of the women came back to testify that it worked as they had regained their sex appeal. If you are a woman, practice the points mentioned above and the sex life of you and your husband will be revolutionized.
Great ideas Sheila! But… you probably have an amazing body of your husband likes the bra/panty thing and the sleeping naked thing. I’m not overweight, but I have the post baby “pooch” and I can’t compete with the magazines, so I don’t even try. I don’t want to make my husband sick to his stomach! 🙂 He says he loves my body, but they all say that because They know they’re “supposed to.” Not buying it. But… Great ideas for the sexier wives!
This is exactly what nick was talking about above. Your personal demons translate into actions that take away from intimacy. While you are relieved you arnt “making him sick” , he is wondering why you dont act like you want him. Every man wants to feel wanted and that is the secret of being sexy to him. It has nothing at all to do with excess fat somewhere.
The only thing that would help my husband’s sex life right now,is ED medications, but he refuses. I’ve done most of the above, wirh mixed results. Maybe I’m wrong, but it seems that no matter how hard a wife tries, when I read Christian women bloggers, they kay the majority of the responsibility for a marriage’s success on the wife. Christian male relationship experts, like Gary Chapman, are more likely to hold husbands and wives equally accountable.
Hi Trish! I know what you’re saying, but Gary Chapman has both a male and female audience. I have a female audience, so it really does no good talking to women about what their husbands should do! I expand on that here.
Trish, I have never done this before, but I feel compelled to say this to you because you may or may not know that ED is an early sign of cardiovascular disease. Meds can help with symptoms, but won’t fix the problem. Cardiovascular disease can be prevented and reversed with a plant-based diet. Check out Dr. Esselstyn’s webpage, http://www.dresselstyn.com/site/. He is just one of many healthy professionals who have discovered that plants are powerful enough to heal even chronic disease. He has been doing this for his patients for many years. Blessings!
Sheila, I think your husband is one of the luckiest guys on the planet. You do a great work with your
blog and posts.
We used to have a candy factory, including caramels and chocolate. One night we were at the shop late….alone. I laid my wife on a table, removed her clothes (she actually let me) and continued to cover certain boy parts with warm chocolate. I’ll let the readers use their imagination for the rest of the evening. Another similar late evening at the office we participated in an activity that resulted in our 6th baby–a bonus boy. (We had completed our family of 5 kids–7 years previous). Is your address on this site? I’ll send you a book I wrote and published–a best seller in the Mormon genre.