If marriage has become ho-hum, can you turn up the heat again?
Today for Top 10 Tuesday I thought we could tackle that! Two weeks ago I wrote about 10 ways to bring sexy back to your marriage, and today I’m welcoming Chad Edwards to give us his insight from a husband’s perspective on how wives can crank up the heat!
Here’s Chad:
Remember when your husband would lovingly look at you with that mischievous sparkle in his eyes? Remember how it felt when he couldn’t keep his hands off you? If you’re feeling like things have cooled off lately or if you’d just like to take your passion to the next level, here are ten ways for you to crank up the heat in your marriage.
Tip #1: Make Him Feel Like He’s Your #1 (Next to God)
Do you find your husband has he been more withdrawn, snappy or just off somehow lately?
If he has been, there is something you can do about it.
The primary culprit of you husband’s behavior is most likely his insecurity. Husband-insecurities are really confusing, because most men work hard to hide their insecurities, never want to talk about them and are rarely aware that it’s the insecurities that are causing them to act so strange.
ACTION STEP: The best thing you can do to reduce how often he acts like this is to commit to making him know without a doubt, that he’s truly #1 to you.
While your husband may never admit it, he wants to be #1 to you (right next to God, that is)…yes, even above your children, siblings, best-friend and parents.
The good news is, you alone can help him with this…if you’re stuck on ideas one suggestion might be…
Tip #2: Initiate sex (bonus points to surprise him sexually – especially with something you know he likes)
Many of the men I have worked with have mentioned how awesome it would be if their wives would initiate sex – even if just once in a while.
The only sustainable and loving way you can do this (both for your husband and for yourself) is to actually enjoy sex (if you don’t yet, this might be a fun journey for you and your husband).
As you know, men tend to be a little simpler than women ‘orgasmically-speaking.’
Something you may not know is that the more you enjoy sex, the more your husband will enjoy it.
ACTION STEP: Whether or not you find yourself looking forward to sex with your husband, a question you might have some delight in exploring is:
“How can I enjoy having sex with my husband so much that I actually want to initiate sex and even want to do it more than once a week?!!”
If you’re looking for some inspiration, you might want to revisit Sheila’s post: How Sex Can Help You Feel POWERFUL!
…And whether you’re stuck in the area of sexuality or if you’ve got this area cased, then you’re probably ready to step things up with…
Tip #3: Become Good Friends With Your Playful Side
For some reason in marriages, it’s common for women to gradually become more rigid and stern and for men to become more emotional and withdrawn.
This can absolutely destroy passion.
Whether this is true of your marriage or not, a common relationship strategy Dr. Cloe Madance and Magali Peysha recommend is for women to make it a daily ritual to invite their inner ‘girly side’ out to play.
ACTION STEP: What is it that makes you feel playful and feminine? Is it painting your nails or putting on an uplifting song and dancing around? Maybe it’s taking a bath or wearing a sexy color/piece of clothing?
Whatever it might be for you, choose one playful idea and turn it into a daily ritual.
Be forewarned: this shift alone has caused many husbands to get very excited!
After deciding how, when, where and what you’ll do this week to bring out your playful, feminine side, you’ll be well on your way to mastering…
Tip #4: Make Smiling And Having Fun A Priority
Some people think that men are shallow creatures…and while there’s some truth to that, most men will agree it’s the smile that actually takes the cake for most attractive part of a woman.
Don’t believe me – try this:
ACTION STEP:
1) Ask your husband (and other men if you’d like): “Have you ever met a woman who you initially found super attractive, only to find her completely unattractive after getting to know her?”
Even women who you might think almost no men would find physically attractive, can be highly magnetic when they are joyful and with a genuine smile.
2) Find ways to smile more and have more fun! This is one of the quickest most sure-fire ways to bring back the heat in your marriage.
…if you just can’t or don’t know how to, it might be time for you to turn to…
Tip# 5: Start One Habit Today That Will Help You Enjoy Life More (And Lead You To Become A Happier, Healthier You)
In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven (Matthew 5:16)
Most men take any signs of their wife’s unhappiness to mean a panicky: “Oh no! She’s unhappy with me…what can I do!?”
It is for this reason, that so many men (myself included) do that annoying thing where they stop listening and start trying to fix their wives’ problems.
You can reduce this…
ACTION STEP: Choose a habit – Is there one particular habit that you’ve wanted to start but have been holding off on?
Is it praying more? Putting a chunk of money away each month? Exercising? Or writing in a gratitude journal?
If you still need an idea, you might want to consider Sheila’s Twenty Minute Marriage Secret.
Once you’ve decided on a habit, Charles Duhigg, (author of the book, The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business
- Choose the same time of day that you will carry this habit out
- Connect this habit to a particular place (example: I put my shoes and work-out clothes beside my bed, so that I can head to the gym when I first wake-up)
- Connect the habit to a unique emotion (example: before I start running each morning, I take a moment to feel grateful for my health, my husband, and my kids)
- Choose to do your habit with the same person (or have someone check on you and hold you accountable)
- Plan your habit into your life so that it is followed by a behavior that you’re already doing (example: After my morning coffee, I sing one worship song) (Duhigg, 2012)
Lastly, choose an enjoyable reward. By choosing a reward that you genuinely appreciate it will help your brain associate your new habit to positive feelings, which will make you more likely to stick with it! (Duhigg, 2012)
Now that you’re on your way to a happier you, with a great new habit – do you have any bad habits you’d like to get rid of? If yes, it’s time for…
Tip #6: Take Note Your Ridiculous Rules That Are Causing You To Get Needlessly Angry
“The toothpaste tube shouldn’t be squished!”…“There are crumbs in the butter!”
As a kid, I remember having sleep-overs at my friends’ houses to discover the funny rules that different families had.
What rules do you have that might seem ridiculous to one of your children’s friends?
ACTION STEP:
Author Byron Katie prescribes ‘4 Questions’ as a way to let go of rules that may be getting in your way.
- Do I know that this thought or rule is true? (Example: “Do I know that it’s true that the toothpaste tube shouldn’t be squished?…YES! – because he knows it annoys me. I’ve told him thousands of times!”)
- Can I absolutely know without a doubt that this is true – do I have proof? (“Hmmm….No, I guess I don’t have proof”)
- How is this thought or rule causing me to react? (“It makes me really annoyed and agitated with my husband!”)
- Who would I be without that thought? (“I’d be at peace. I’d be happy that my husband actually uses the toothpaste!”)
- Turn that thought or rule around (“That toothpaste tube should be squished – that’s what it’s made for! Maybe it’s me who shouldn’t ‘squish’ my husband so much with my little rules!”)
Now that you’ve covered your bases with the first 6-fiery fundamentals, these next 4 tips will serve as the icing on the cake for the hot, happening marriage you’re about to rekindle.
The Final Four…
Now that you’ve covered your bases with the first 6-fiery fundamentals, these next 4 tips will serve as the icing on the cake for the hot, happening marriage you’re about to rekindle.
Tip #6: Make it a habit to say ‘nice things’ about him (bonus, if you do this in front of others!)
Tip #7: Bite your tongue when you want to criticize him (especially in front of others!)
Tip #8: Laugh at his jokes (when you actually find them funny)
Tip #9: Encourage him do what he’s good at for the household (and acknowledge the importance of it)
Tip #10: Be patient and kind with yourself as you work to make your marriage magnificent…It may take your husband a little while to catch up to you, but have faith that he will come around and that it will be oh-so worth it!
FOR TODAY: WHAT’S ONE OF YOUR RIDICULOUS LITTLE RULES?
What’s one of your funny and ridiculous little rules that may or may not be adding unnecessary stress to your marriage (or that’s taking away from the playful passion) in your marriage?
Is it when he forgets to put the toilet paper on the roll? Or is it that he’s too peppy in the morning?
We’ve all got them! There will be no judgments here…just pure, possibly slightly embarrassing ‘rules’ in the comments below.
Share your starry-eyed memories in the comments below and inspire us to make our marriages more on-fire!
Chad Edwards is on a mission to help disenchanted married couples to bring back passion and fall in love again. Go to his website relationshipsreimagine
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Thank you, Chad, for this! I loved how you added the action steps to make it clear on how to implement your tip!
For me with a toddler I got into the habit of putting my pj’s back on once I got back to the house for the day (I work from home) because I didn’t want my clothes getting dirty. Something that has supported my marriage is making sure I stay in “real” clothes all day for my hubby to see and enjoy my body and my beauty. Also, a part of that routine is doing my hair and make up.
Instead of rushing out of the gym in the morning. I take a little extra time for myself to get ready each day. I enjoy the few minutes of taking care of myself and he enjoys seeing me outside of pajamas! Some days I will take time to paint my nails or other little treats too.
Yay! It does make a huge difference, doesn’t it, when we just feel like we care for ourselves more?
That’s awesome to hear Cassie – a great example of how a couple of well-spent minutes can make some really positive changes. (Glad to hear you liked the action steps)
Something I really love about Sheila’s blog is she’s not afraid to talk about matters. I go to some ministries where they talk about how a wife should love her husband and sex isn’t even mentioned once. It’s like the church is scared to talk about it.
Chad is definitely right in this article about men being insecure. Even little things can foster that insecurity and when we’re insecure, it’s hard to act confident. The main thing I want to know from my wife is if I’m still wanted the way that I am, do I excite you the way that I used to when we were dating, questions like that.
And sex is indeed the loudest way to say that, but everything else matters to.
Also, the thing about being above children is indeed true. I know one man who told me he’d ask women “Would you go to hell if it meant your children didn’t have to?” They’d say yes. No hesitation. Then “Would you if it meant your husband didn’t have to?” Then they start to hesitate.
It’s too easy for children to become the focus and men to be second place. Hint. Men will go where the respect is.
Great points, Nick. Your phrase rings true – we do “tend to go where the respect is “… a nice little gem of marriage wisdom for men and women
I guess I’m particular about which way the forks face in the drawer. I never really thought about it before… how funny!
This is such good advice. My husband (who is awesome) does not have a very good memory, so I try to make sure something is REALLY important before I ask him to make a habit of it, because I know I’m going to have to remind him many times in order for him to remember. And if something doesn’t really matter, I try really hard to let it go and not be offended.
Haha…those dang forks could hurt someone! I love how you give him room to have a bad memory – I thank my wife everyday for having my back with my terrible memory
Hmmm one of my ridiculous rules would be that my husband has to turn the light out when he leaves a room. That DRIVES. ME. BANANAS! My inner poor child starts calculating the dollars for every second they’re left on. I definitely could try to let that go though! Great tips!
Ooo that’s a tough one Leah…I can relate – In my university days I had a roommate who usually left the lights on and I got so annoyed that I actually taped up signs above each of our doors that read…”Please, for the sake of our planet, shut off the lights!”…in terms of money, though I’m sure it ended up costing me way more money to fix the paint that the tape pulled off.
My husband does this too. I’ve tried taping signs up, taking the light bulb out, asking pleasantly numerous times. It’s a subconscious thing he doesn’t realise he’s doing and I don’t think I can ever get him to stop it. So now I just turn the light off myself, a dozen times a day.
This is a GREAT list. Most wives wish their husbands would pursue and romance them they way they did when they were dating. And most husbands wish their wives would look up to them and have fun with them like they did when they were dating! I think we all need to embrace a “dating attitude” in marriage and not be so serious or complacent.
I love that, Lisa! That’s a helpful perspective shift to keep marriage light and fun – it’s so easy to take our marriages for granted and to forget to enjoy our time together…dating and date nights are key
I love the part about the silly rules… It used to drive me crazy that, even if the sink was empty and clean, my husband would place his water glass BESIDE the sink in the morning. I am a believer in NOT mothering my husband, so I didn’t argue or fuss about it, but I inwardly seethed. Why couldn’t he just put it in the sink?!
One day I realized that I wake up every morning (he leaves for work well before it’s time for me to even wake up for the day), and the first thing I looked for was that glass. All of a sudden, it was endearing. I realized how much I would miss that glass if it weren’t there. That glass means my husband was there. He has a job that he’s gotten up and gone to. He brought the glass from the bedroom to the kitchen for me.
Now I look for the glass… and I’m secretly disappointed when he, for whatever reason, puts it in the sink.
I’ve taken this lesson and applied it to any little irksome, but harmless quirks… Make the toothpaste a game. Unsquish it like you like before putting it back… then when you return, you can see that he’s squished it again. Lights on? Oh, I know where he’s been today! LOL!
Life’s too short to quibble about minutia.
Hi Kelli,
That’s a beautiful example…from annoying to endearing and even appreciating that he’s there and gone to work.
Thanks for sharing such an awesome experience!
Chad