Will I get married? Please, God, promise me I’ll get married!
Do you remember praying those prayers? I certainly do! And today I want to talk to the women who are still in the midst of that wondering–wondering if they’ll find a husband, wondering if they’ll get married, worrying that marriage will pass them by.
May 25, 1991. Tears were streaming down my face as I handed the ring back to Keith. He had proposed eight months earlier, and everything was set for our wedding in August. But his doubts wouldn’t go away.
“Are you telling me you actually don’t want to go through with it?” I had asked. He hadn’t said anything. And suddenly it dawned on me. He wasn’t just wondering how to fix our relationship. He wanted to end it.
I yelled at God a lot that summer. “Don’t you want me to be happy, God?” “Why would you do this to me?” And, when I was a little calmer, the real fear came out. “Will I get married? Ever?“
I wanted to be married. I was desperate to be married. I just wanted to be loved by someone who wouldn’t leave. And as I struggled through that desire over those tough weeks, God asked me an important question.
Am I enough, Sheila? If he never comes back, am I enough for you?
I didn’t like that question. Was God enough? Certainly I loved God, but I really wanted to be married. And one day, on the floor of my living room, I was weeping as I finally surrendered. “Okay, God. Even if I’m alone for the rest of my life, you will be enough for me. Because no one else can love me perfectly, and I’ve been looking for someone else to fill the whole in my heart, and only you can do that.“
That was an important moment to go through. That breakup still affected me, but it did send me into the arms of Jesus, and it did make me realize that my life could not be based on my husband.
I’m thankful, of course, that that guy did come back and we did get married–just a few months after we were supposed to. But it was one of the toughest summers of my life, as I had to struggle with that question–if I never get married, am I going to be all right?
So many of us put our hopes in marriage rather than in Jesus. We think a man will solve our longings for love and purpose and belonging. Recently a young woman sent me her story, and it’s an important one, so I’m going to share it here. She’d like to remain anonymous, but here’s what she wrote about growing up always assuming that marriage would come early, and that marriage was her main focus. Here she is:
I thought it would be different.
I honestly thought that at 21 years old, my life would be headed in a different direction than it currently is. Having spent my high school years within the homeschooling community where young marriage is fairly typical (and is the goal that many conservative, homeschooling parents have for their children), and having several friends who married young, I believed that it would be the same for me. I didn’t really give much thought to the nagging voice that said, “This may not be the case for you”; I just continued to dream.
Now, I realize that I am still probably categorized as “young”, but I also know that by the time I meet, get to know, date, and get engaged to a man, and then plan our wedding and finally walk down the aisle to him, I’ll probably be two to four years older than I am now. And marrying at 24 or so isn’t really marrying “young”; it’s just marrying.
That all said, I know something now that I wish I had known three or four years ago:
Your life’s purpose, your vision for the future, and your personal contentment should only be tied to loving and following Jesus.
When you place that purpose and vision on anything else, you create an idol. The truth is that I placed way too much emphasis on a “future husband”, and the dream of marriage than I should have. There is nothing inherently wrong with dreaming. There isn’t even anything wrong with hoping to marry young. Marriage is a beautiful thing! It’s not wrong to desire it. But when those dreams and desires become an idol—when we stake our happiness and trust on something other than God—we encounter problems.
The reality is that I basically banked on marrying young, and as a result, I didn’t prepare for the possibility of a future without a husband as well as I should have (which I’m making up for now, thanks to God’s help). I also didn’t learn to find my happiness, purpose, or identity primarily in God. As a result, whenever I was exposed to the bliss of a married couple, fictional or real, I felt completely miserable. I was left asking, “when will it be my turn?” and, “what is wrong with me that I’m still single?” I felt lonely, insecure, and nearly bitter when I focused on what others had that I didn’t.
Thankfully, God used many things—friends and family, sermons, books, Scripture, and the voice of His Holy Spirit—to speak the truth into my life and set me free from the idol I had created. Do I still hope to marry one day? Sure. But, am I just as happy to remain single? Yes, because I know that God will always be with me. He will never leave me nor forsake me, and He will always give me joy and fulfillment.
Your life’s purpose, your vision for the future, and your personal contentment should only be tied to loving and following Jesus.
My purpose, confidence, and identity is found in Him. Not in marriage.
Because of this, I no longer have to feel that my life begins when a man enters it. I can live with purpose and make a difference NOW because I’m living for the Kingdom of God, not my castles in the sky.
If you are single and feel as though you’ve fallen into the same trap of idolatry as I did, I would encourage you to realize that your life—not just your present, but your future—should be completely centered upon God. Yes, you can dream! But ultimately you must surrender those dreams to God and come to the place where you’re happy even if they don’t come to pass. You must find contentment in Christ alone, not in “dreams come true.”
Thank you for that story, my friend.
I know many of my friends are married, and this may not apply to you. But I think all of us have the danger of making marriage into our idol. And sometimes that makes us make really poor decisions about who to marry. We spend so much effort trying to find someone to walk down the aisle with us that we never figure out if he’d even be a good husband. We don’t spend enough time preparing for marriage; only dreaming about the wedding. Or we focus so much on getting married that we don’t let our faith in God deepen.
So I just want to encourage single women on this blog today. I know what you’re going through. I really do. And it is hard. But remember:
So maybe you could all chime in down in the comments and leave some encouragement to some single women who are reading this blog: how do you come to terms with putting your hope in God, rather than in a husband? How do you handle it when you are desperate to get married? Let’s talk about it!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
As a man, I really wanted to get married. I wanted to spend my life with someone special and no doubt as a man, sex is a big draw. I thought it would never happen and most people I interacted with online knew my plight, especially since I have Asperger’s.
Then in August of 2009 I stopped at the seminary I was attending and was told about a young woman out there going through a hard time who also had Aspergers.
Within a year, we were married.
btw, she did marry young and I married older. I was 29 when I said “I do” and she was 19. We joked that we didn’t serve alcohol because the groom didn’t drink it and the bride was too young. I had originally lived in Knoxville and all my friends around me were getting married. I was married in Charlotte and I was the first of my friends to get married.
Nick, I truly believe that my 28 year old son has Asperger’s but know he would be so angry with me for suggesting it. I fear that he will never get married and have a real relationship that brings him joy. What do you suggest?
Hi Lynn. Can I suggest you email me? [email protected]. We can discuss it then. Aspergers is not a death sentence. In fact, I’m thankful for my condition because of the wonderful advantages it gives me.
So does this mean that I should just accept that I will be alone for the rest of my life….if God made all of us to fruitful and multiple, why would he create me to be alone for the rest of my life. I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life but I don’t want to sin and have sex outside of a marriage either.
While others are married? I don’t understand this. I mean I get it but why would God create me to be alone for the rest of my life and his plan is for me to be single for the rest of my life. I don’t believe that is God’s will for my life. I don’t. I believe God desires us all to be in a holy union. Now the part about making it an idol I can understand and relate to….maybe I have made it an idol instead of just focusing on myself and what God needs me to do but I don’t believe he wants me to live my life alone with no partner. I don’t think he wants that for any of us. Those who choose to be single, that is their choice but I do believe that God put the desire of marriage into my heart and I do believe that he will make it come to past. Relying on him completely and being content in him, is something that I do need to work on but I don’t believe God made any of us to live life alone. Making you content in him and complete in him yes; to be alone, no I don’t believe that. Sorry I don’t
I can just feel how lonely you are, Jenn! I think it’s like this, Jenn: God does want people in marriages. That’s how we were created to be! But we also live in a fallen world. And sometimes that means some won’t marry. Most still will, and many still marry in their 40s and 50s for the first time. But just because God made us to be married does not mean that everyone will be married, because this world isn’t perfect. I wish it were. I so wish that all the people who are lonely could find great mates. But it just isn’t like that.
So basically if you are single an desire to marry, but no prospects after 35, it (for lack of a better term) “sucks to be me”. Is that really all I have to look forward to? A life where God may or may not answer the desire he placed in my heart. Not really much comfort there. I guess just man up and begin the techniques I have researched to remove my ability to feel this pain. I have heard that it is possible to do this, but it can be quite damaging.
What other choice is there, it hurts too much to think I will be alone for ever.
Oh, Garrett, I’m sorry. That must be so lonely! No, I don’t think that’s all you have to look forward to. I think that many of us go through life with grief of some sort, often huge grief. I lost a son; other people may have serious health issues; you don’t have a mate. And it’s okay to feel badly about those things. We need to lean on God regardless, but this isn’t our home and life won’t be perfect here. I do think that lots of people get married after 35, and I know lots of people who have found spouses through internet dating, but I guess what I’m saying is, yes, it’s hard. It really is. But I don’t think you need to give up hope. You just have to find a way to be peaceful regardless, even if there’s always a longing of your heart elsewhere.
Hello Garrett,
I’m 36 and wanted to leave you with some words of encouragement. In the meantime while you are single continue to perfect yourself in Christ. If marriage is something you are truly interested in research up on the topic (if you haven’t already). If you haven’t read Gary Chapman’s, “Things I Wish I’d Known Before We Got Married” I would strongly encourage you to along w/ related books and videos. Once you are married singleness is no where to be found. It truly is a gift in its own right.
Thanks for having the courage to actually reply. Lots of other sites won’t even respond when a question like this is asked. I guess my next question would be- so what now? Trust God and lean into Him more. I read my Bible daily and pray, but I guess something is still out of whack.
Any suggestions? I do not think I am committing any ongoing sins, and have been praying for God to let me know if I am wrong about that.
You know, I think so often we assume that if we’re single, it must be because God wants us to learn a really important lesson. But that makes it sound like everyone who is married has their spiritual life all figured out, while single people still need to learn something.
You may not have any major sin at all–I mean we all have some, but it doesn’t necessarily mean that God is keeping you single so you can learn a lesson. Maybe God is just saying, “Can you trust me with this, even if I never tell you why?” And that’s just hard. It just is.
Garrett,
I may not read the Bible as much as others but… I don’t believe it means that you shouldn’t try to meet women who you could at least be friends with! They have friends too. My daughter is still single at 34, but not very religious. She is lonely in her heart but keeps herself busy with her dogs. She’s amazing with them. Fill your life, live your life and God will give you the answers. I don’t understand why this happens to some, but know that you are a gift from God and live as he would want you to. I feel your pain and frustration.
I concur with u, we believe in God and he is our living hope but on the other side , he has made marriage a good thing and for us all.so we should find the other half though the journey of finding that person is too dusty, tiring and hope taking.am also tired
I am 100% with you Jenn. I reject the notion that those who desire to be married may never be married. I believe God does indeed give us the desires of our heart, and the only time it may never happen is if we give up believing or mess it up by ourselves. Everything is according to our faith, and Jesus said you can have anything you ask for in my name according to my word and you shall recieve it. I recall that marriage is in Gods will therefore why shouldn’t you recieve it? To contradict this possibility is to say the word of God is wrong and challenges everything we believe about God and his word. If God loves us why would we want us to be miserable? That’s not the God I know personally, but we must walk through the process with him with complete trust so we don’t miss the mark or the prize. The only thing that will end up leaving us lonely without a spouse is our own mistakes or lack of faith. God is giving instruction we must hear and wants to prepare us for our spouse, if that indeed is the desire we have. There are plenty of people who don’t want to be married…but for those of us who do, I doubt God being who he is would desire to fail us…stay in faith and believe that it shall come to pass. The greatest things in life are worth fighting for and worth the wait! …the promises of God are yes!! And amen!! Be encouraged…
Wow, where to start. I think I was obsessed with getting married from the time I was 10. I married at 20 the first time, he and our child are dead. That marriage was 5 years. If it were not for tragedy, that life may have turned out just fine… but when your plans don’t work out and you get gut punched… it’s just you and God. If you’re not self sufficient in earthly ways, and reliant on him… well, it’s not pretty. I should have stayed in counseling, reconciled my life to God and sought his will. But we make decisions based on our own vision, often to our own detriment.
In my suffering I grew desperate for companionship and love, and I was desperate to have children, so I married again at 30… DISASTER. I chose to see what I wanted to see in that man, which led to 13 years of misery. Misery because I was not seeking His will in my life, and did not look for a Godly husband. Leaving me divorced at 44, heavily in debt due to his addictions and now a self employed single mother who did nothing but work, 20 hours a day for years on end. It cost me my health, my sons mental health, and more. Too much. All because I wanted to be married more than I wanted to be in Gods will and timing for my life.
I turn 53 shortly, and I am planning yet another wedding. This time it is God ordained. Over the last 15 years, I have surrendered my life, and when I completed MY OWN JOURNEY and became the person I NEEDED TO BE, God placed this man in my life rather quickly. It was less than 2 years into the phase of “I wonder if I’ll ever get another chance”. First things first, putting my heart and life in order according to His word. Did I pray for a Godly mate? Yes. But I learned not to obsess about it and just concentrate on being the best person, Mom, disciple, worker, etc. that I could be.
Becoming who I WAS MEANT TO BE in God’s plan being the focus of my life.
I don’t say this to garner sympathy. I ask you the 20 year old… how twisted do you want that road to be? The consequences of pushing your own desires ahead of growing into the best person you can become in Christ can lead to a VERY long, hard road. Us old ladies are to teach the young… so I tell my tale in hopes that it will save someone else from the same peril.
My hope is that a decade from now; I’m teaching about how wonderful my God provided marriage has been. THAT is a joyful thought.
Of course that is very simplified… but hopefully the point is clear. Do not worry about your aging body, do not worry if there is someone out there for you. Your inner light will be a beacon at the right time if you stay in Gods will for your light.
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I have to share a brief story about another friend of mine. Who was attending to God’s will for her life, as a youth director. I met her when she was 32, and she was clearly longing for children and marriage. I think we see people in youth ministry, or teachers who are unmarried and clearly wanting children and it casts that sad shadow of doubt. Can I trust God to fulfill the desires of my heart? Yes. Trust that the desires of your heart ARE KNOWN to God and he will fulfill them in his own way and time. Maybe not the way you dream of, but in a different and possibly better way.
I always had hurt for her, it looked like she was following God’s will for her life and yet the childbearing years were dwindling rapidly. She clung to her faith and joy with determination, even in times of doubt… lamenting being the oldest living virgin and joking about contacting Ripley’s Believe it or Not! There were short stints of dating someone God did not intend, and perhaps that delayed the final outcome and plan… not sure, of course. But I will say that when she was 39 SHE MET THE MAN she would marry just over 2 years later. He had been raising 2 young boys alone, and if it were not for them both being on God’s plan, their paths would have never crossed. The wedding was last September and I have never been SO HAPPY to attend a wedding in all my life!! It was a family ceremony, and those two young boys adopted their new Mom with sincere hearts!
God catches us up, and places people in our lives is the most surprising way sometimes. I will forever delight in the glowing love I see in that family, regardless of if it grows further or not. I pray that they will accept the arrival, or not, of another child as his plan, not theirs and continue to embrace and have gratitude for what has already been worked out.
Thanks be to God.
No matter how long it takes. Find gratitude in the journey. Be the best person you can be, and you will find reward and contentment.
That’s beautiful! Thanks so much for sharing. And I’m so sorry about the early tragedy in your life. My heart just breaks! I’m glad that God used everything to draw you to Him, and I’m so glad you’re starting a new journey now. Thanks for your words; I think they’ll encourage many.
Your message and your friend’s has deeply touched my heart…im a young woman who is 23 years old and i pray and dream of my marriage everyday but sometimes i loose hope because i feel like the years are going by but im still single and it looks like that wish exists in my dreams only but i hear God telling me that His time is the best and my surprise is on its way…..thank u for sharing.
I am 26, and I was born in a Christian upbringing, but didn’t start taking the Lord seriously until my teen years. I assumed I’d be married at 18-20, and as each year rolled by that I remained single, I got more desperate.
I wasn’t like some of my friends who had physically kept themselves all their lives. I wish I had been, but lust has always been my biggest battle (I know everyone battles it) I guess I just, from early teen years, gave in and cultivated a habit of it.
When I accepted the Lord and got baptized I thought that was the end of that, marriage would soon come, and I’d never have to struggle… but that was far from the case. I failed again.. picked myself up, truly repented and saw positive changes in my life, only to experience more years single and fail again. It became a cycle. Each time I can say I got stronger, got more faith, learned to take God (and the devil) more seriously.. but it seemed that the cycle would never end and that I was only creating more reasons for a good man to never even want me to begin with.
By age 25 I had been in “talking relationships”, most of which never ended in a physical mistake and did start with good intentions on both ends… with a cheater, a manipulator, and others that just weren’t as honest about God as I was trying to be… all of these men were avid church members (which, in itself, means nothing at the end of the day).
I didn’t marry, or experience loss, or have to be a single mother, but I have experienced emotional tragedy and as someone who does love the Lord despite how much I struggle to serve Him as faithfully as He deserves… it hurts. Having these scars, even when I want to just push forward, trust that all of that is washed under the Blood and He makes me new, it’s still hard as I look around and see myself still unmarried and wondering (reasoning) if I could have been by now if I hadn’t have screwed up those possibilities with my own actions or if me still single at 26 truly is the will of God.
I chose to believe that He knows better, and His ways are higher. Why? Because every single one of my painful relationships drove me to the feet of Jesus again. Made me revisit, take inventory, and dig deeper. I love Him more, and it is unfortunate that I am not the kind of character that obeys when told one time, but I am thankful the Lord has let me fall flat on my face because of my OWN choices to get me to stop trusting in my own abilities and start looking to Him.. and I STILL struggle with it, but every scar reminds me.
Now I believe with all my heart that the Lord has burned away that excessive lust that I cultivated as a teen (of course, we are human and sex never stops being a relevant issue).
But obviously, I didn’t just randomly stumble upon this article. It is hard, being single and “older” and watching the years roll by and wonder IF and WHEN. But I owe it to the Lord to be still and be faithful… and it.. is.. so.. hard. I can’t sugarcoat it. But as single women we have to believe in a God with power.
Whenever it comes, however it comes, blessed be the Name of the Lord! If after two marriages, tragedy, and all the years he could fully restore and bless this woman, He can do so with me and anyone else reading this!
May the Lord help us to be faithful and believe, and not complain, and just love Him and let Him be our portion.
God bless you all.
Danielle, I’m sorry. I know this is such a tough road. And I’m so sorry, too, that there aren’t more Christian single men. I know that Christian women outnumber Christian men, and it’s just very, very difficult, and I’m sure that it grieves God as well. I’ve been praying for a big awakening among young men, because there are so many Christian single women.
Half way through my studies I was in a deep relationship – within just a few days, words “will you be my wife” popped out, followed by my eager “I will”. After a year of a very stormy relationship I finally quit, leaving behind what I then thought was my only hope for marriage. I was devastated, as surely was my “ex- husband-to-be”… Every dating or engaged couple was a source of great pain deep within me. Mine were the never-ending questions, so well-known to so many single girls: “Why not me? Will someone ever love me? Or is this your (dreadful) will, God, to “bless me” with being single?” Then I finally said – either God will be my all in all, no matter what, or I’ll go mad … I remember I even prayed that God would first bring someone new to my ex – trying to be unselfish, you know… The next few months I enjoyed a happy single life, focused on my Lord and my studies, until someone new turned up… This time I was very cautious, took me over a month before saying yes to even dating. Nevertheless, love is faster than you think. 🙂 When I realised I was deeply in love and ready for more, we had to spend 2 summer months apart. My disappointment was huge, this was not what we were planning, God! – I felt cheated. God in His grace reminded me: “Live in the land and be faithful” (Psalm 37). My heart calmed down, yet again, I enjoyed sweet relationship with Jesus, focusing on friendships and church ministry, concentrating on finishing my MA thesis and spending time with my family. During this time our letters were flying between us, but I could calmy re-evaluate my commitment, my feelings, seek God’s will again, and peacefully resolve that yes, this is the man I want to spend my life with, leaving initiative in his and God’s hands. The peace that comes from leaving things with God and trusting Him, is priceless. Today, our daughters are at the stage of their lives when the questions “Does God want me to get married?” have come back with all their power – and now I’m aching for them to be able to dwell in that peace that I had found back then. And it’s not at all easier… Thank you for taking up this topic, Sheila. 🙂
Oh, Joanna, isn’t it harder when it’s our own kids walking through this? I always thought my biggest heartache was for myself, when I was younger, but when you watch your kids–it’s a whole different story! So glad you didn’t marry the first one, too. 🙂
I was raised in a homeschooling family, and it was always more or less assumed that my twin sister and I would marry young, going straight from our parents’ house to homes of our own. That didn’t happen, and both of us had to scramble a bit when we realized no men were in sight. My sister traveled to Mexico to teach in a mission school, and I became a night nurse and moved in with a good friend who was a single teacher in her late thirties.
We spent a lot of time discussing marriage and the lack of any prospects at all. I don’t remember this as a conscious decision, but as my relationship with God deepened I found myself turning to Him for companionship and love. It wasn’t easy. But I found that with God, one never has to be lonely.
Then a young assistant pastor showed up at our church and married my sister (who had come back from Mexico by then). I moved into my own house. Between my night job and my deeply introverted personality, I maintained the sparkling social life of a barnacle on a rock. I spent my days off at the library or hiking alone. Nevertheless, one day a young man left a note on my door (I have a Scripture sign on my mailbox, and he wanted to know where I went to church). Ten months later, we got married. And my good friend and former roommate is now in her forties and engaged to the only guy she ever loved — a man she met in college, waited for for over twenty years, and helped lead back to Christ after fifteen years of wandering.
It’s hard to wait, I know. It sounds cliche, but if you really make God your focus He will satisfy you, whether you’re married or not. Remember what Augustine said: “Thou hast made us for Thyself, and our hearts have no rest until they rest in Thee.”
That’s beautiful, Mercy! Thank you for sharing.
And I so laughed about your bit about the barnacle on the rock. I understand!
Hey, thank you for that article. I am happily married and my husband is a blessing for me every day but somehow I very much needed to hear what you wrote about God asking “am I enough for you”.
For me right now it’s not about marriage but about motherhood. We are married for 2,5 years, trying to become parents for nearly two years. So far, one painfull miscarriage that broke our hearts over a year ago. We are part of a group of young marriages that are supposed help each other grow in Christ and we are the only one childless. Sometimes I wonder if we are a true family, if there is someting wrong with me. And I am praying: “God, you are the one who gives me this calling, why are you breaking my heart? If we are not supposed to have children right now, why don’t You let me focus on other things and forget this for now?” We considered adoption but we don’t qualify.
And here you are with the perfect question. Is God enough for me. Oh, I so want Him to be. But I’m still learning.
Thank you once again.
Paulina, that’s so tough! I’m so sorry for what you’re walking through, but I’m glad I could be an encouragement to you today!
I had always hoped to marry young also, but the right man didn’t come along until I was 24. It didn’t take us long to know we were compatible for marriage because we were intentional about dating and really getting to know one another. My poor husband, however, had to wait a long time to find me as he was 40 when we married.
Sometimes the right timing isn’t when we would prefer. We should certainly do what we can to make sure we are not placing obstacles in our own way by being overly picky, not ever meeting new people, or having bad attitudes or habits that push people away. Evaluating ourselves to see if we are marriage material, learning to be unselfish, and growing closer to God are important parts of the single Christian life. But sometimes we have to wait for the good God is bringing us, and we should strive to be content and productive for God during that time.
Totally agree, Lindsay! And I do think it’s important to make sure we’re not putting obstacles up to getting married, like you said, because sometimes we inadvertently do. But ultimately we have to rest on God, and until we do that, our marriages won’t ever be good anyway!
24. That’s a spring chicken. I’m 37. I was miserable for a long time about being single and then just gave up. Now I am miserable again. I am worried that I will not be able to have children as my time is running out. There is no one at my church that is anywhere near suitable. No one I even look at and admire. Sometimes I just think “Who cares? I will go out with someone who isn’t a Christian.” But I know deep down that after a while, I would have to break it off, so it would be pointless anyway. I can’t imagine spending the rest of my life alone. I can’t see the point of even being alive. No one to love. No one to love me. I just don’t care about anything anymore. I tried to do the right thing and wait. It has gotten me nowhere. Now I’m so weird I haven’t even been on more than a few dates. I’m sure any guy would think I’m weird for never even having had a boyfriend.
I’m so sorry, Mary! That must be very lonely. I don’t mean to be crass, but have you tried online dating? I know so many Christians in your age group who have met amazing spouses online. They had to move, quite often, but the marriages are quite good. Sometimes there just isn’t anybody near where you live, and the internet can be a great help, if you’re wise and careful. There’s no shame in it.
I painfully lost a 5 y ar relationship one year ago. A large part of it was my fault. I truly thought I’d die. I went through anger, pain, shock & nurse butteriness, especially as she immediately seemed to have found someone else. Being in the same church, it was near impossible to not be affected on Sunday.
In time, God helped me realize that that relationship had become a great idol in my life, to the point where I’d do anything not to be alone. I have been alone ever since and deeply struggling w/ whether I’d ever get marry. I’m 31 now, trying to remember how dating even starts like.
I always used to think that folks who feared nit getting married were a little dramatic, now I sympathize w/ them and always keep them in pray coz I can relate. I truly do not know if I’ll ever marry, or if anyone will ever desire me in that way. But I know that though painful, if that would be the choice God saw as best for me, I’d be content in living it out by His grace. That story resonated w/ me when it came to that.
We can trust our uncertain futures to a certain God. When the fear strikes, I always return to that.
I expected to be married right out of college. When I was about 24 or so, a friend’s boyfriend told me “The man you’re looking for doesn’t exist.” After a few different relationships that ended over differences of faith or me trying to keep high standards, I wondered whether to believe him. But after praying & mulling it & realizing the heartbreak that those previous relationships had on me, I figured “If he doesn’t exist, then I am better off alone than settling.”
And oh, how I have always wanted to introduce my husband to that friend’s ex-boyfriend and say, “Remember when you said the guy I was looking for didn’t exist? Well, I’d like to introduce you to him…” My husband and I married when I was 27 and he was absolutely worth the wait! God is good to have led us to each other. Please, ladies, let Him fulfill you and let Him guide you to the vocation He has planned for you!
So true, Erin! I always say, “If you exist, then you’re proof that people like you exist. Therefore a guy like you exists!” Yes, some people have standards that are too picky, but standards based on loving Jesus alone are never too picky!
Where is the like button.This is awesome.In His time He makes things beautiful!!!
Does anyone know of someone (or is someone) who married after you or your spouse had a long break time to work on and overcome major sin struggles?
This is so timely for me.. I am 24 and God holds me
Wow, Shelia, God really uses you to speak truth. Another great and desperately needed post.
I have been concerned about this trend lately. Not marry young, I think that is a good idea. I mean about telling women to put their lives on hold and only do things that prepare them for marriage. That their life and purpose starts when they marry.
I do appreciate the other side of this coin is being careful that women are not so wrapped up in another goal or individual life purpose that if God does bring marriage into their lives they are not willing to embrace new goals, or change direction or sometimes let go of a previous focus and embrace the new blessing God has placed in front of them.
But, I don’t think the solution to this is to tell them therefore have no goal but marriage. How crazy! They may never marry. This is a fallen and sinful world and sometimes things just don’t unfold the way we desire.
The solution is to remember to not make anything an idol, the goal of getting married or individual career goals. We should seed to lead rich full lives being flexible and willing to accept whatever God has for us, either way.
I do think this applies to married women as well. Because those are the times when I loose my contentment in my marriage when I am focused on my husband. When I “when we stake my happiness” on him or especially when I think he is going to “solve my longings for love and purpose and belonging.”
wow! what a timely post! you should write more posts for single people sometimes. I, for instance, am single as a 1$ bill and turning 24 soon. And no, I don’t think I am old but its the circumstances that made me feel like I was old in the past. Stay with me ,let me elaborate a little bit:
I was born and raised in another country, and continent(good excuse for my grammar faults in this comment by the way). I didn’t come to the US until I was 18. So, in my home country, getting married young or dating is really not a big concern because people tend to have a little bit of a more social life than here.(not saying it is bad or I don’t like it here.In fact, coming to the US has so far been the biggest blessing in my life.It is just different. not bad.just different ) . So back home, I always was surrounded with lots of friends, big families, and dating or marrying was the last thing on my brain. So now when I moved here, everything was different. Everyone was on their own. I felt like none cared about me. The friends I made were always busy and dating and getting married at a young age (19-22) (I was attending a Baptist college). So I started longing for a relationship and a marriage too. so bad.
Long story short , I was always enraged when I would meet good guys at bible studies but they wouldn’t ask me out.
Thankfully, after so many prayers, books,songs and inspiring articles like this one , I am past that stage in life. And I’ve come to know that only God can fulfill that void.I am learning to put my heart in the hands of God and I know He will put it in the hands of a man who He thinks deserves it, in His due time. My prayers have taken a 180 turn from ”God,I want to get married before this year ends” to ”Lord strip it all away, until only You remain.”
Plus, I’ve come to realize that I really was not ready for marriage: selfish, unwilling to serve others, unwilling to apologize and forgive. I am so glad no son of God asked me to marry him at that time. coz boy, would he have been miserable! I am still not ready I know. but I am learning.
To all my fellow singles out here, I could write for two days and still not finish but I am going to condense my words into these few words ”search no more.this is the life of Christ your soul has been missing”. These are the words from a song called ”Looking for love” by Trip Lee. listen to it. It is just perfect.May God bless my fellow single men and women and fulfill them with Love. A Love that only Him can give.Thank you Sheila!
Wonderful, Rose. Thanks so much for sharing!
you’re welcome Sheila. I so love your blog. keep doing what you do.
And oh..I couldn’t help but wonder why your husband ended the relationship after you got engaged? Did you write about this before and I probably missed it?
Happy mothers day too!
Maybe I will write a longer one on that sometime! Or get him to write it from his perspective. Hmmmm. I’ll have to think about that!
Yes!please!that would be an interesting and inspiring article.To me and to so many more!
I am 28 and single and while I agree, in theory, with Sheila’s post, there are a couple issues I have with it.
First: Your “happiness” is NOT necessarily indicative of the quality of your relationship with Christ, as I so often hear implied. You can know Christ and be in circumstances where you aren’t happy (different from joy, btw.) Anyone who seems to be “happy” 100% of the time is faking. Even Jesus cried.
Not everyone (even those who are close to Christ) is happy single. Especially in American culture, ‘single’ usually means ‘alone’. Coming home to an empty house. Sitting alone at church. Being the uncomfortable 3rd wheel at social gatherings. Having less and less in common with your peers as they add children etc. And honestly, especially if you’re an extrovert like I am, doing things alone just saps all the fun right out of it. And while everyone encourages those like me to embrace the singleness and do things alone, some things simply aren’t safe to do alone as a single woman (ie, hiking, certain types of travel, swimming, giving in-home bible studies, etc.) People love to talk up how great being single is/was, when mostly, it’s just very lonely. (And God can be enough to supply all your needs, but that doesn’t mean you won’t be lonely. Look at the garden of Eden: Adam walked with God and still got lonely and wanted a mate. Let’s not confuse wants and needs.) And sure, I have friends, but they are often busy with their families and not free as often. And not everyone lives where there are enough people to have a thriving Christian singles group or something either.
And lastly, it is hard for me to understand why we have longings (given by God!) for family and children that may never be fulfilled. That’s hard. It’s something I have a hard time understanding. I love children, I long to be a mother, but I definitely don’t want to be a single parent! So what do you do with god-given longings for family that simply haven’t happened for you? I don’t think it’s wrong to keep asking God, to make it a priority even. Hannah in the Bible, came crying before God year after year, after all.
So while I appreciate the author’s view and am happy for her that she acknowledges that a guy won’t fulfill her and has strengthened her walk with God, some parts of your life DO have to wait for a husband/wife. Some longings ARE from God and there’s nothing wrong with them and it CAN be hard to understand why God says no or wait. The Sacred Search (which I read on Sheila’s recommendation) is a really great book that somewhat tackles this, if anyone else is struggling with it also.
Sara, I’m 11 years further than you on this journey of singleness, and I hear you! It’s often easy to assume the grass is greener on the other side of the fence, which is why I think married people look at the perks of singleness and think we have it easy. But like marriage and parenting, singleness has its advantages and disadvantages.
You brought up a very valid point. Adam had everything, including perfect communion with God, and yet God said it wasn’t good for him to be alone. The desires you and I have are good and God-given, as long as they don’t become our obsession. The sad truth is that sin has entered the world and brought with it sorrow and brokenness. One of those bits of brokenness is that not everyone is going to be given the relationship they desire. Just like not everyone has the physical health they desire. Or whatever else is missing in life. I find it helps me to look at all the blessings I have been given.
But like you said, I do think it is good to acknowledge the loneliness that singleness often brings. For me, it’s not so much a feeling of being lonely, but a realization that at the end of the day, you are alone. Ultimately you don’t belong to/with anyone else, and that can be a hard truth to grapple with. I think it’s okay to recognize the loss that entails, and to grieve that loss. And to keep praying, as you said, like Hannah.
You said that even though you’re an extrovert, you find it hard to do things alone. I believe that would be hard for an extrovert. I’m an introvert, and I think that might make it easier for me to do things by myself. Except social occasions, etc. I don’t do well with small chat, etc, so I pretty much make sure I have someone (married or not) to go to events/outings/whatever with, or else I avoid them. Those types of situations might be easier for an extrovert.
One more thought: is it possible to look at your friendships with married people a little differently? As you said, they’re not free as often. At least not to do single people stuff with. But there are other possibilities. For me personally, my married friends have been a blessing to me, and I try to be a blessing to them as well. I find SAHM moms love to have some company, be that at the park, at home or whatever. Depending on your work schedule, that could be during the day, or that could be at night when hubby’s out to a meeting, etc.
I’m the one they call when they need a babysitter suddenly in the middle of the night for a family emergency, because I have the flexibility to just up and leave.
Conversely, I depend on my male friends to help me out with repairs, etc that are beyond the scope of abilities.
As for sitting alone at church: my friends’ wiggly little boy sits with me one service each Sunday. Gives his parents a break, he enjoys the novelty, and I like the feeling of contributing/belonging. Win-win for everyone.
Take a pre-schooler grocery shopping once in a while. The shopping takes longer, but it’s lots of fun for both of you, and frees up mom’s hands at home.
I guess what I’m saying is: I’ve found that investing in families can be a huge blessing to all involved. Oh, and elderly people. They’re often even lonelier than we younger single people, since they’re no longer part of the workforce. If you find an excuse to visit them, it can be so rewarding!
All that doesn’t take away your singleness, nor the fact that sometimes you have to accept that you’re just plain alone on this earth, but it can -I think- be one of God’s ways of “putting the solitary in families”.
I’ll have to check out The Sacred Search. Thanks for sharing your story, and I hope you are given a Godly husband one day!
Hi I have been single and celibate for 22 years now. I am 45. I don’t date. I have tried online dating and just encounter men who want sex. So I never get asked out and it never moves past a couple of emails. From a child I believed in God and wanted to be a wife and mother. I have watched christians and non christians have children, fall in and out of relationships and get married. My life feels stuck. Everyone looks at me like I have done something wrong or should be doing something different or trying harder. I went back to university as a mature student, I volunteered at church. I blessed others and babysat there children and took them to school and watched them grow. I tried to not make marriage an idol. But honestly I don’t know. I worked hard at a job that was not my choice or dream and now I face redundancy. I am not fully sure what my life is about or what to pray or hope for anymore. I feel so lonely, alone and rejected. I try to come close to God but at times his promises seem so empty. I have no idea what to do anymore as I feel I may be past the age to even have children. More to the point what man would marry me if he wants to have children. How do I learn to trust God again and hope for a future when it feels like everything is being taken away and I don’t know why or what to do. I feel ashamed to go to church and I feel sad in the family setting and like I don’t have faith otherwise my prayer for marriage and children would have been answered like many I know who have had that prayer answered.
Allyson, my heart breaks for you. I wish I knew something to say that wouldn’t sound trite, but I don’t know. You’re right to feel lonely; I can imagine how you feel that the church has deserted you. I can see how you would feel lost, like you don’t know what your life is about. I can just imagine what this is doing for your faith.
All I can say is pull near to God, and don’t be afraid to yell at Him a little. He can take it. It’s better to be honest with God than not.
I’d also say that I know a lot of divorced or widowed men who may not be interested in having more children but may still want to remarry, especially if the divorce was not their fault (and there are many like that). So don’t give up hope, if that’s your heart’s cry. But I am sorry.
Sara, I agree with you. I think that we can be following Christ and totally in His will and still have longings for more, and still have a degree of unhappiness, for sure. So let’s try something else: maybe what we’re aiming for is peace and contentment. Because I think you can have peace and contentment without necessarily having complete happiness. Does that make sense?
Deb Fileta, in the book True Love Dates, made a great point that the way we do community really hurts single people, because we all live in our nuclear families in our own homes, and maybe if we figured out a way to live and do community differently, the loneliness wouldn’t be as intense for single people. It isn’t wrong to want to be married. It really isn’t. It’s just wrong to make marriage into our idol.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ViuAblc-M0g
Hey dear! Check out this video that talks about single but not alone! It blessed my whole being!
Yes, this was me. I grew up in a culture where it was expected to marry young. From a very young age, I would dream about being married,and raising babies. By the time I was 25 and still single, it consumed me. God, in His loving way, showed me that I had made it an idol in my life. I was pursuing my dream more than Him. I still wasn’t ready to give it up, though. It took a couple more years, and a few things God brought me through. First, He put this verse in my path more than once to be sure I noticed:”For thy Maker is thine husband..” Is 54:5. Oh how I didn’t want to read that, I wanted an earthly husband! The next changing point was the title of a chapter in a book I was reading. It was titled “In Acceptance Lieth Peace” (title of a poem by missionary Amy Carmichael). For months I opened the book, read the title, and put the book down. Finally one day I surrendered and cried to God, “It will be ok, God, if I never get married. I will trust that Your plan for me is greater than I can imagine!” And what do you know, truly in acceptance I found peace. My Maker IS my husband. He is the One who provides for me, He is the One who completes me, and He is the One who I can turn to in the night when I’m scared.
I was single another 5 years or so, still with a desire to be married, but it no longer consumed me. In Gods time and way, He brought my husband to my life (married at the elderly age of 32). And I have a peace in knowing that I don’t have to expect my husband to fill the void that really only God can fill. I am going to teach my daughter that there is no man on earth who will complete her and make her whole, that is only for God. A husband is just an added joy.
So fellow single Christian, know this: comparasion is the thief of joy. Gods plan for your friends life is not His plan for your life. His plan for you is perfect for you. He truly does want the best for you!
That’s beautiful, Carmela! Thank you for sharing.
Sheila, I really appreciate you thinking of those of us who are single! It’s been neat/encouraging to read the stories in the comments as well.
I love reading your blog it gives me a lot of intimation about marriage that I hope I can use in the future. This post resonates with me the most because I’m a 27 year old woman who is still single. Six months ago I ended a two year relationship with a man I loved very much but he was not following God and I knew I couldn’t continue with him. Now I’m trying not to lose hope that my dream will still happen because I desperately want to be married.
I just recently turned 52 years old. I’m a single parent of three ages 16, 23, and 30. Before I became in love with Jesus Christ, I allowed people to belittle me because of marital status. Now that I’m deeply in love with Christ, people can talk and it doesn’t phase me. The bottom line is that my kids have one God and one mother. God just wants to keep me to himself. If He desires to share me, I will get married. To all the single ladies and mother’s, God is enough. He will never leave or forsake us. if anyone were to ask you why aren’t you married, just let them know that you are–to Jesus Christ!!!
I needed this tonight, I’m a single 27 year old who has never been married it’s a very hard place to be in my life right now. I have four sisters (3 younger) all married at 21 and the last just got engaged(at 21) they all have beautiful children and wonderful husbands. But since I was 3 years old all I ever wanted to be was a wife and mother, God hasn’t fulfilled that desire yet and I’m not sure why but it is a heartbreaking struggle for me. Maybe my expectations are to high…is it ok to want a Christian man that hasn’t been married or has kids? I’m definitely in a difficult stage of life and it’s not easy being the unmarried older sister planning the baby sisters wedding! But I do know God has a wonderful plan for my life even though sometimes it’s hard to believe it….
Thank you, Sheila! I am nearly 25 and “hopelessly” single. I have never been in both a serious and long term relationship – though I have been in a too serious short term, and a non-serious longer term. Can’t seem to get them to line up! But I know God is faithful and true, through it all. I live in a rural area and have practically exhausted all of my options in my home church. It’s very frustrating, but I choose to have hope and joy through this process. And thank you everyone for your stories – nobody is lonely or a failure in Jesus!
What would you say to a woman in my situation? Ive been a Christian my entire life. I will turning 56 in a few weeks. My history: Had a marriage at 19, divorced by age 28. Went through a ‘wild phase” a few months post divorce but have been alone (and primarily celibate) for these past 28 years. Everyone loves to go on and on about “embracing your singleness” but quite frankly I’ve had enough “singleness.” I’m tired of going to events alone, to being in church alone and yes *gasp* sleeping alone! I want a HUSBAND…and not just any husband I want a joyfully devout Christian husband. Unfortunately, so many of the men in church seem to want only the younger women. There was a guy whom I was interested in. We met two years ago. I thought he liked me as much as I liked him. However, he informed me that he only wanted a woman young enough to still have kids and who is also part of his specific ethnic group. ..he wanted us to be “just friends.” I found out this past December he’s found a woman from overseas (mail order bride) who fits the criteria: saw the picture of them. Oh yes, she’s young, (early 20s), thin, long blonde hair, pretty…everything I am not at my age…and he’s nearly 60! So basically he’s courting a woman who is younger than my daughter…and all so he can have kids he should’ve had 30 years ago? Am I’m supposed to be happy for them while I get older and remain alone? I know it’s wrong to be jealous, but I am. I pray everyday but nothing seems to be helping. What makes it worse? None of the people I know even seem to support the idea of me having anyone? They say stuff like “you don’t need a man” or “why would you want to get married” as if somehow I’m not allowed to be happy like everyone else?
You know what? I think you DO want a man, and I think that’s okay! Seriously. If I were single, I would want a man, too. I know all those well-meaning people are only trying to help you feel better, but I just want you to hear from me, loud and clear, that it is totally NORMAL to want a man, and it is totally NORMAL to feel lonely!
And it’s also totally NORMAL to be really disappointed that a so-called Christian guy would choose a woman in her twenties over a real peer. I think that’s really gross, to be honest.
So I’m very sorry. I really am. And I can understand you being heartbroken. Yes, God is there for the brokenhearted, and I believe that He can be there for you. Absolutely. But I also understand being sad. I really can.
I am in the midst of struggling, ” when will this season of singleness will be over?” My heart longs so much for a partner that sometimes I cried to God. Most of my friends have someone in their life and even my best friend is married and pregnant.
I can see myself chasing after guy and giving away my emotion easily but they don’t reciprocate the same way. Each time I went through, my heart broke and I will be in a season of misery. Sometimes I will doubt my worth after banging into these close doors. I am sure worry of the childbearing age and also the limited people I met in my social circle render me to think will I ever have someone.
God is molding me, is really tough to lay this desire of marriage at the cross. I have been meditating that God you are enough, I have no lack. I’m still struggling and fighting with it ,so tough to life in joy when those thoughts of uncertainty flood into my mind. God help me to arrive to the place that I will say I surrender , let your will be done and not mine. You are a good God, let my heart trust in your plan and purpose for me. Help me Lord ?
I thank God for all you lovely people. It is so amazing to bond with my brothers and sisters in Christ. God sure as a way of connecting us. I am 22 years old and I have been struggling with some of the same things. I am so glad that God placed on your hearts to be willing to share your testimonies. They have been a tremendous help and more than encouraging. Your testimonies and life experiences have just added more confirmation to my life that God has already shared with me. We can not let our present circumstances determined what an omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent, truthful, never changing God can do. God’s timing is everything. God know exactly what we need and when we need it. Remember that what God does in your life not only effect you, but it effects the other people God is going to place in your life as well. There will be some Detours to you Destiny. The good news though is that you have a destiny. We all have a destination! Heaven is our home, we are just passing through. Make the most of it by living out God’s will for life. Accept your circumstance and grow. James 1:3-4 NIV reads, ” Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trails of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its works so that you maybe mature and complete, not lacking anything.” Paul shares with us that he had learned the secret in being content in all situations. Paul’s contentment was based on, “he could do all things through Christ which strengthen him.” (Philippians 4:13) You can also! Philippians 1:6 NIV reads, ” being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” May God be with you all!
Also, Destiny to Detours is a sermon given by Dr. Tony Evans. It is a 8 part series and you can find it on youtube. It will bless your life. It is based on the story of Joseph.
Well lets face it since nowadays it really does take two too tango to make it happen which meeting a good woman is a very difficult thing today since most women now really don’t feel the same way at all. Unfortunately this is a very completely different time we live in now since it isn’t the good old days when finding real love back then did come so very easy the way that it happened for our family members which even today many of them are still together now as i speak. Most of the women now have really changed from the past which back then i would say that most of them were raised by very good parents to find a good man to settle down with to have a family, and today it is just so very difficult for many of us good innocent men just to start a normal conversation with a woman since most of them these days unfortunately aren’t very nice to meet at all to begin with. God forbid trying to talk too women for many of us men has certainly become very dangerous for us now more then ever since they will be very nasty to us since most of these women today as i can see do certainly have a lot of problems. Very obvious why many of us men are still single today when we really should’ve never been in the first place. And i know friends that are having a very difficult time meeting a good woman themselves.
For 10 years, I’ve desired a spouse. I thought I had actually found the person I would spend the rest of my life with, who God used to teach me how to truly love an imperfect person that wasn’t family. The sad part is that I had to break off my engagement. A man 10 years older than me had several red flags – selfishness, unveiled lack of respect for women who was 30 years set in his ways and couldn’t grow old with him – that I deemed it was best to part ways. I sought counsel from both of our Pastors to confirm that I wasn’t fishing for something that wasn’t there. If it wasn’t for watching the movie Sisters before my Mom and I wrapped up the engagement ring to be mailed back to his Mom’s house, I would not have made it through. I felt dumpers remorse, that I threw my dream away. Maybe that was my only shot at getting married, but knew I wouldn’t make it mentally and emotionally with that person.
1.9 years later, still single. I’ve done the online dating thing to find men who are Christian wanting to do the casual thing versus dating with intent since God didn’t invent the term dating. Man did. I’ve given up on practically every dream I’ve had in life because of so many hurdles that I can’t give up on this. If God denies me what is rooted in my heart to have a family and a husband, the only legacy I leave with people who know of me is that I never gave up my dream in the pursuit of a spouse. I held true to my beliefs despite being surrounded by secular friends.
Better yet, God made me allergic to man’s best friend – cats and dogs, even birds! Who really wants to be the corporate woman coming home to a fish that’s dead like Mary Stuart Masterson’s character in the movie “Bed of Roses,” and that’s as good as life gets, and the guy she’s living with agrees he’s just there for nocturnal purposes. Not me!
God isn’t here in the flesh to remove that “alone” feeling. I only feel God when it’s a bad gut feeling to not do something. Otherwise, He’s pitting worship music in my head when he wants my attention. I don’t have this sense that he’s right behind me, that I feel His presence. I obtain a vast amount of knowledge in my head. I know it, but don’t feel him. It’s not how he shows up for me. He can’t give hugs on a bad day and I don’t see my good friends everyday to get one when I need one. I go without a lot. He made me an extrovert, too. If it’s unfair to dangle a cookie in front of a child and say he can’t have it, then having a desire within me for so long, and never allow it to come to pass, is pretty low, especially for a loving, kind, gracious God. I would be disappointed and not enthused, which are the two worst things for me to ever say about a person.
Kristin, I’m so sorry. Really I am. I can’t relate, obviously, because I was married so young. And I wanted to be married so badly. I don’t know what life would have been like if I hadn’t been married.
And then to have no pets, either–I get the loneliness. I can picture it, I can, even if I’ve never walked through it.
I’m so sad, too, that you can’t feel God in this. All I can say is that I think it’s okay to yell at God. Most of the Psalms are David yelling. His emotions yell, and then his head says, “But I know God is still here.” He doesn’t feel it, though He knows it.
It sounds like that’s what you’re going through, and I just want to affirm that God can handle your disappointment. And it’s often in the wrestling with God that we get the greatest growth and victory. But it sure isn’t easy at all.
I have been single and alone for decades. I have given up on this area of some peoples life…..If God wanted to help me with this, it wouldn’t have taken this long…..I accept that this is how it is and because of it , I have not cared about how God might or might not decide to do anything in my life…. It is better for me than it ever was before…….Hope it works out for others…..
Thank you for this! I’m 21, and haven’t been single for as long as some of the others who’ve commented, but I wanted to speak anyways. I’m just now figuring out that, for me, trusting God with my desire for marriage means giving it up entirely/living my life for God as though I will never get married. Do I still want to get married/have children? Yes- someday. But I’ve realized that I’ve made men/marriage such an idol that it’s stunted a lot of healthy friendships/personal growth. I recently broke up a forming relationship (1 month) with a young man (26) I met at church primarily because I felt that God was telling me that we were not on the same page spiritually. I also realized that I wouldn’t be ready to date for a while (I have my own hurts to heal/goals to fulfill).
He seemed very interested, but later claimed he was emotionally detached from me. He’s had a lot of bad relationships and has very low expectations for dating as a result. His standards are: someone who is nice to him, he’s attracted to, who goes to church, and who shows up for dates. In addition, I’m not certain about his spiritual state. He claims to be a follower of Jesus but isn’t a member of any one church (due to negative church experiences), doesn’t read the Bible deeply or regularly, and doesn’t pray regularly/out loud. He thinks that relying primarily on the music/concert sermons of his favorite Christian artists is enough to help him grow in his relationship with God.
I know this isn’t true because I experienced the spiritual darkness of trying to be a Christian without the Bible for 10 years. We argued about his beliefs because I was trying to save him from the lie I told myself for so long. I’ve only been fully committed to following Jesus for a few months (Prayed the prayer of salvation- 6, rebaptized/recommitted-20), so I am in no place to judge. But because of the way it ended, I’m afraid I permanently burned bridges.
I feel that we could have worked out if we were spiritually compatible/ if it was God’s will. Unfortunately, I made mistakes/hurt a good man by not following God’s leading immediately. For now, I have to graduate/discern my calling/work A LOT on myself. Thanks so much again for this article.
About a month ago, I broke up with the guy I thought that God was going to have me marry. (I guess I created that plan not him…) Before dating him, I always thought God was going to make me wait until I was at least 27 or 28 to be blessed with a spouse. But now, after dating this guy, I have such a strong desire to get married young–even though he was not the one for me and I am on the search for the man God has in store. I feel that God is using this season to teach me not to idolize marriage and not to look to a man to fulfill my joy. But if I am being truly honest, I have a very hard time really believing that God can make me feel as joyful as a great Christian man can. Deep down I hope that the Lord can, but being romanced just feels so good and I don’t think that the Lord can make me feel loved like that.
Oh, Madison, I’m so sorry that your heart is broken! I remember what that feels like.
I also think that sometimes we do a disservice when we tell singles “just put your emotions onto God”, because God created us to want to be married. He put that desire in us. So don’t feel badly for having it!
I’m 28 and my last attempt at a relationship was ten years ago. After that I decided I would be single until I finished college. Being single was much easier then and none of my female friends had serious relationships, so I didn’t feel left out.
My relationship with the Lord grew so much. He exposed a lot of things that happened in my past that I needed to be healed from. He opened my eyes to my extreme low self-esteem (still in the process) and it was just such a cool time to spend with him. I was still keeping my eye out IF he decided to send someone, but no one came. I can honestly say I’m happy I wasn’t with anyone. But as soon as college ended, I slowly began to feel the pains of singleness. Of not being “chosen” since so many people I knew met their spouses in college. I was even more frustrated because Christian men were nowhere to be found. Only men who were not in church approached me and they would get frustrated when I continued to refuse their advances.
Now my friends are getting married and engaged. I’ve also been celibate for the last ten years and it’s becoming very difficult. I feel like some of the typical reasons for remaining single did apply to me: making it an idol, spiritual growth, knowing Jesus is enough, etc. Everyone should honestly ask themselves if those things are true in their life. I don’t want to go into marriage with low self-esteem. Or with the idea that “I need a man.” Relationships like that are toxic and only lower your self-esteem more. At this point, my concern is that I could meet the man tomorrow, but what if I don’t until another ten years from now? I never wanted to find love at an older age. There is nothing wrong with desiring to be married. Most married people will say “just be content!” As if singles are glad to spend ALL their time alone. Or as if sexual temptation is not a thing. When some of us are asked to go YEARS without those desires being fulfilled, while others get married at 21. I wish the church would allow singles to openly express these frustrations without being judged or accused of making marriage an idol so we’ll stop asking for it. Hannah cried for years to have a child and God had mercy and answered. He can do the same in this area.
I totally agree with you, Tahirah. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be married. and it’s not like God says, “You need to be spiritually mature to get married, and so I’m waiting for you to mature before you meet him.” That would mean that married people are spiritually mature while single people aren’t, and it’s just not the case.
You do have a reason to be frustrated. I am sorry.
Sheila, thank you so much for your reply and understanding!
How cruel is it to it the desire for marriage in a person’s heart and the withhold it while they continue to suffer and suffer and suffer and then add insult and more injury to injury by rubbing it in their face by giving marriage to EVERYONE ELSE AROUND THEM.
The whole “God needs to be enough” argument really holds no water. For me because HE ISN’T EVEN TRYING TO BE “ENOUGH”. Also, why the double standard? If He’s supposed to be “enough” for me and justify His withholding of marriage. HE SHOULD BE “ENOUGH” FOR EVERYONE ELSE AND FORCE THEM TO LIVE OUT THEIR LIVES ALONE AND UNLOVED.
I’m 40 and for over 20 years I’ve prayed and begged and pleaded and cried out to God to send me someone like he has for everyone else. Now I’m 40 and people who were literally infants the first time I prayed for this are married.
And don’t start with the “But God is with you.” bit. What good does His “being with me” do when all He does is just sit there and watch me suffer, and ignore my prayers and cries for help? How could I possibly find fulfillment in just an existence of just go to work, go home to an empty house, rinse, repeat, go to church on Sunday? That isn’t even life, much less the “life abundantly” He promised. If He’s trying to “teach me” something, you’d think he would try switching to a method that actually works, because all I’m learning is that He doesn’t care.
Tim,
You arent a lone brother. Im 32 and still single. Theres so much to life that just isnt explained. After breaking up with my ex 3 years ago I was crushed. I still cry and pray for a godly wife, but I also have to accept Gods Plan for my life because it is good. But either way God will get the glory. Doesnt make it easy but He is enough. He promises to give us everything we need. Not everything we want though.
I could have married a few times in the past, but it just wasn’t right. I think eventually if you give it to God He will send you a spouse. Just Trust Him. I know bro its hard to hear, I’ve been passed up and had way younger brothers and sisters marry than me. Just remember who is Sovereign. God isnt in a hurry and He doesnt operate on our timeframe. Praying for you bro.
Matthew 6:33
Tim, your post is more than 3 months old, but I can relate to being down the road (pushing 40). Difference is, I did get married a few years ago after years of relationships where I would always get dropped. I figured in this marriage something good was finally happening and thought my soon to be wife loved me. No major issues, no arguing, and saw eye to eye on so much. Yet, days after the wedding, she began expressing doubt. I couldn’t understand why. What could happen in that short of time? Weeks later she demanded a divorce and left never to return. Fast forward to now and I’ve went through a separation, been cheated on, endured a painful divorce, and went through an annulment. When I came out of it, I dated someone I met at church, only to be dumped after 3 months. It’s awfully hard to believe in a loving God who permits this to happen especially when many of my family, friends, and co-workers are engaged, married, and/or having children. My life is exactly as you described: work, home to an empty house, church on Sunday, wash, rinse, repeat. I often wonder when things get better, but the answer is good things relationship-wise are happening for other people. Not me.
Hi Sheila,
I am 45 years old, single and from India. You’ve written a great post. In our country not getting married for ladies is seen as inauspicious and looked down upon. Because here the mindset is, man’s life is fulfilled only when they get married and have children, otherwise they have failed in life. So, currently I am looked down by everybody as a failure. Sometimes it get into fits of rage with God about why I am not married yet. But now I know the time is not yet.
This really hits home for me. I just turned 30 so before my birthday I had prayed and fasted for a mate. So far radio silence no guys approach. even online, I never make it past the first date. I want to be engaged this year 2019 have asked the Lord yet he is silent. Never had a boyfriend beeen single for the past 10 years gone on endless dates with no results. I am at a loss on what to do next. I can’t force God to answer me . I don’t want to be single anymore but all my efforts have failed me and God is quiet. I mean, I’m at a loss and scared he will leave me single for another 10YEARS!! This is actually quite terrifying to know it may never happen yet unsaved people keep getting men should I do the same and pray he comes to the Lord after the wedding?
Words of advice and encouragement only please
I bumped into this article after Googling “Does God want me to get married”. I’m 27 and have been single for 5 years. I get super lonely sometimes and once it pushed me into getting into a situationship with a guy I worked with. Needless to say, we were up to all kinds of debauchery which really affected my walk with Christ. I left him after a few months. I learned the hard way how ignoring God’s will and doing my own can hurt me.
That being said, I can’t help but think that He doesn’t want me to get married. I’ve read every book, watched every sermon and attended every seminar in a bid to prepare myself to be a wife but whose wife? I have prayed for my husband for years and he’s never showed up. Sometimes I think he died and God didn’t send me the memo. I’m tired of attending weddings and engagement parties and wondering when it’ll be my turn.
I’m sorry, Caroline. I am. I can only imagine how lonely that is.
Currently, I now writing a book. The Lord visited me in a vision and told me he could do anything. This was related to a calling to be married. I never plan to be married again. I love this website and there’s a lot of very beautiful and helpful tips and things that are being said here keeping our eyes on Jesus is the answer to all that God has for us and for what he is calling us to do everything that we need to do what he’s calling us to do we’ll be there when we needed to be there just stay in his loving arms and keep our eyes on him.
wow….. everyone’s comments have been so encouraging, sometimes it feels like your the only going through such. I am 33yrs old and have been single for 10yrs and I had my daughter when i was 20yrs. Sometimes the waiting is so painful it physically hurts! All I can say is God is God no matter what and he has good thoughts towards us and all we need to do is seek his kingdom and righteousness and he will gives us the desires of our hearts! Sometimes we miss God because we expect things to happen in certain way, I probably have many times. I have been listening to messages by Kenneth E Hagin and they have been very encouraging and have given me a deeper understanding on how to pray, have faith and receive that which God has promised us as his children, he makes all things beautiful in his time. The bible says He keeps him in perfect peace Who’s mind is stayed on him. May peace be our portion as we wait on him. 🙂
With so many evil horrible low life loser feminists man hating women that are everywhere nowadays, how in the world would many of us good single man be able to meet a good decent normal woman today anyway? Feminism is cancer.
Paul, perhaps that attitude is part of the problem you have meeting women who may want to date you?
Okay Shelia which i will explain further. Women today have really changed unfortunately, and not for the good at all. This is a very completely different time we live in now, and back in the good old days which most women were the very complete opposite of today, and real ladies as well. What in the world happened to the women today compared to the past? Today many of us men really have to be very careful of sexual harassment since just saying good morning or hello to a woman now has become very dangerous for a great majority of us single men looking to find love. Today most women that have a career now are the worst ones of all since they’re so very high maintenance, independent, since they really don’t need us men anymore, very selfish, greedy, spoiled, picky, gold diggers, think they really are all that, narcissists, and very very money hungry these days as well. And i can certainly add so much more to that list as well. Now that is quite a change today since most women back then were really struggling along with the men to make ends meat since they hardly had any money in those days at all. So you can really see how the times were back then since most people were really poor at that time, except for the Hollywood Stars that were the only ones making money by being Actors and Actresses. So you can see how the women today really are, compared to the old days. That is why it was really easy finding love in the old days for the men back then, just like our family members that had it so very easy as well meeting one another. It is a very bad time for many of us good single men trying to find love today, and if only we had been born in those days which most of us men definitely would’ve been all settled down with our own family that many of us still don’t have today. Feminism is everywhere now like i mentioned in my last comment since a lot of these women just don’t like us men at all today unfortunately, and this has definitely caused this problem since i know friends that are having the very same problem just like me. I even had women Curse at me for No Reason at all when i said to this woman that i really was hoping to meet, and she was very nasty which i will not repeat what she said to me which shocked me. And a few friends that i know had it happened to them as well. So women today Aren’t as nice like you think they’re, and this is a very excellent reason why so many of us men will never find love because of this big change in the women today. Well thank you very much for your support. Peace.
Paul, I really don’t think that you’re right here.
Women not wanting to be sexually harassed these days doesn’t mean men can’t say “good morning.” It does mean you can’t say “good morning” and smack her on the butt. Or lick your lips. Or stare directly at her breasts and never look at her eyes. In other words, don’t be creepy or rude.
From your examples of how women are bad these days, you seem to be angry that women have started standing up to being used by men sexually and are now finding their footing with employment so they aren’t reliant on men financially. If you are a confident guy who doesn’t feel the need to objectify or rule over women, I literally see no reason why women would act negatively towards you based on those “issues” you bring up.
I suggest that, due to how you talk about women, you are giving off an energy to women that you are a dangerous person, even if you are not in actuality. The reality is that the majority of men these days (even in a world with these horrible feminist women) enter relationships or get married. So it’s not that women don’t like men–so the answer may be to look inward and ask, “What is it about me that makes women not like me?” Because trust me, the issue is not just that you’re a man.
And from how you’re talking about women, they likely don’t like you because they can sense you don’t like them. So maybe actually learn how to appreciate women and their giftings instead of being mad that they have a voice in this generation and you may see more success.
As I read these comments, tears come to my eyes. God is good even when life does not make sense. I’m only 21 years old, but I feel the pain of these comments. I am so so sorry. A book that has really helped me is “It’s Not Suppose To Be this Way” by Lysa Terkeurst. Sometimes life can be so disappointing, but God is still good.
It is scary to think that I will never get married. As many have expressed, it doesn’t make sense for God to create us with these desires to just leave them unfulfilled. We all have the desire to love and be loved not just by God, but by another human being. I️ am also an extrovert and I have so much love to give. God even created man-kind because he was lonely! But thinking about the life ahead of me and the possibility that singleness might be my reality, I’m trying to focus on my eternal reward. The Bible does say to not put our treasures in things on this earth. If I️ do have to live on this earth without a family of my own until the day I️ die, I️‘ve prayed to God that he would at least make me happy. I just want to live a happy life serving God and others if I never marry a man. I️ wish you all hope, love, and happiness.
I ask for a prayer that God will restore my faith and save me from the bitterness and despair I allowed to take root after years of fruitless waiting.
I quit praying for a husband since I can’t have kids and have lost desire after forty six years of celibacy.
I need to accept the life God has given me and thank Him for the blessings He gave. But it’s hard to accept.
In a rural community and it’s difficult to make friends as a childless single. Things will never change now.
My real problem is selfishness and turning into an emotional vampire as I grieve. I can’t quit crying some days as I work in my home office.
Maybe someday it will hurt less and I can look at the children at church without feeling pain and struggling to keep back tears.
There are a lot of people in my situation. Maybe God refused my prayers for a husband because I was strong enough to stay chaste without one? This late in life I see no point to marrying and am sick of the dating drama. I have closure now.
Finally going back to college. I still have worth as a professional. Just not as a woman.
Anyhow bitterness is my problem now. Not singleness.