If you’re married to an unmotivated husband who doesn’t want to work, what do you do?
Every Monday I like to post a reader question and take a stab at answering it! This week I’ve got two reader questions that all revolve around the same theme: a man is unmotivated and won’t work, and the women don’t know what to do about it.
Letter #1: From a Motivated Girlfriend
Letter from Motivated Girlfriend
My boyfriend and I have been together for two years. I’ve known him to be a chill, relaxed, homebody, introverted person. It appealed to me as I was an introvert as well.
The downside to that is he has the same attitude at work. He has little initiative, he responds to additional work negatively because he would rather do the minimum.
He expresses to me that “the dream” would be to have a job where he could work from home, he would take leaves from work to spend time on his hobby, or just because he doesn’t feel like going to work. One time we were having a conversation about how I would need to run an errand before work and he assumed I would take the whole day off.
He’s not all bad. He does get his work done. But basically it’s minimum compliance. But he can be passionate too about other things he enjoys like automobiles, his hobby, he’s responsible in taking care of his home, he ensures he pays bills on time, he takes care of himself, he has good relations with his family…But this work thing is just troubling to me.
Maybe he’s just like this because he doesn’t enjoy his job? Maybe the reality of a family will change his drive and give him motivation to work? Or maybe God will cause a change in him as he matures?
Should this be a deal breaker with our relationship? And if so, what do I tell him?
Letter from a Desperate Wife
My husband and I met shortly after I moved to [his state]. He was 31 and living with his parents. We have been married for 8 years and have moved around a bit due to work, but we have been in the same place for almost three years now. That place is 2 blocks from his family (three siblings, their kids, his parents).
After so many years, and not so many great times with the mother-in-law, or snippy sisters-in-law, I am anxious to move near my family. My husband is in a dead-end job and I have been asking him our entire marriage to make financial/career goals of some sort. I have encouraged school, but he refuses to make any goals at all.
He says he will go to school, but he makes no initiative. Any time I bring up the goal of moving, he shoots it down completely. I want to feel safe and secure that our family will be taken care of, especially since we want to have another baby.
I read what you wrote about meeting his needs instead of concentrating on mine, and I’m trying so hard to be a good wife. I try to encourage him and appreciate him.
But I also read about being a peacemaker and not a peacekeeper. I must admit I tend to default to the latter. I don’t like conflict. I always feel guilty for bringing up touchy conversations or my needs that he doesn’t seem to want to fulfill.
Okay, let’s take a stab at these today!
I included both letters because I wanted the woman who WASN’T married yet to read the letter from the woman who WAS. I do think she’s right to be concerned.
So let’s tackle the broader issues for the woman whose dating an unmotivated guy, and then we’ll turn to the unmotivated husband.
The Unmotivated Boyfriend: How Big a Deal is That?
He’s paying his bills. He’s nice to his family. He does go to work. So is this a big deal?
The Research: Marriage Does Raise Men’s Incomes
In The Case for Marriage, researchers Maggie White and Linda Gallagher looked at all the big marriage studies, and did find that when men married their incomes went up. Marriage does cause men to be a little more grounded, and often work harder to get those promotions or to seek out a better paying job.
That’s the good news. Here’s the reality, though: just because that happens in the population as a whole doesn’t mean that it will happen with your particular guy. So let’s dig a little deeper.
It Could Be That He’s Unmotivated Now Because There’s No Need to Work Hard
Maybe he’s the kind of guy who will step up to the plate when responsibilities come. I’d talk to him about this. If he wants children, what kind of house does he want to live in? Does he want a two-vehicle family? What income will the family need? What is he prepared to do to make that income? Does he expect his wife to work while the kids are little? Would he rather be the one to stay at home? If so, is he prepared to do the housework and meals?
I’d definitely ask about that latter one, too, because a guy who is unmotivated to work may be unmotivated in other areas of his life. If you’re going to end up doing the vast majority of the work around the house, it’s better to know that now so that you can make an informed decision.
What Are His Basic Values?
To me, though, this is the real issue. If he didn’t want to work that hard because he was consumed with starting an inner city charity to help underprivileged boys, or because he was working on a novel and really wanted to be a writer, or because he was furthering his education, that’s one thing. Work can be just a means to an end–a way to get money. Our passions may lie elsewhere, and that’s okay.
But if your passions aren’t focused on others or making the word a better place (basically bringing the kingdom of God to this world), then I wonder what the purpose really is. It sounds like this guy’s ideal life would be to do nothing but his hobbies. That’s an entirely self-focused life, devoid of gratitude for what God did for you. Our lives should be about service, not entirely about leisure.
Like this post so far? You might also like:
The Unmotivated Husband: Now What?
I condensed the wife’s email for space’s sake, so there’s much more in it. But there’s one sentence I want to draw attention to. When she met him, she says,
He was 31 and living with his parents.
When readers share things like this, they often share it like, “Honestly, he was 31 and living with his parents! Can you believe that?”
But what I see is this: “He was 31 and living with his parents–and you didn’t think that was a red flag?” I’m going to be brutally honest here, and please forgive me if I sound mean, because that’s not my intention. But if you go into marriage with your eyes wide open and you see that a guy has a certain characteristic, you really need to learn to live with it. You married him–you made a vow knowing that he was unmotivated, lazy, and overly dependent on his family. It is not his fault if he doesn’t change; it’s really your issue for expecting him to change.
Wow. That is harsh, isn’t it? But I do see this as different from a woman who married a guy in school who then never graduates, or a woman who marries a guy with a job who then proceeds to lose that job and go through job after job for the next few years. He’s exactly the same as he was when she walked down the aisle, but now it’s a problem to her.
Habits may change but basic character rarely does.
That being said, here are a few thoughts:
Standing on Your Own Two Feet is Better for All of You
It sounds like he’s used to relying on his family. But, if you don’t mind me saying so, it sounds like you are, too. You’re saying, “we’ve lived near his family, now it’s time to live near mine!” Personally, I think it would be much healthier if your family were to move away from BOTH of your families and you learned to be a unit just on your own.
You May Have to Start Supporting the Family
If he won’t support the family adequately, then it may be that you will need to. If he isn’t interested in education, then perhaps you should start pursuing an online degree from home, or night training, so that you can start supplementing the income. No, it’s not ideal. Yes, it’s terrible with small children. But if you need the money you need the money. If he won’t do it, you will have to.
If you’re adamant that you can’t work with little kids/babies (and I certainly understand that), then often we can make a second income by figuring out how to be frugal. Seriously, if you can save your family $100 on groceries a week and $25 on electricity a month and $50 on clothes a month, that’s the same as earning $475 a month. So make it a project to figure out how little money you can live on. Search Pinterest for frugal ideas. It actually can be fun!
Get a Good Support System/Active Social Life
Sometimes what it takes to get a man motivated is to be surrounded by responsible, motivated men who can show him, “this is what it means to be a man.” So join a small group at church that has great couples in it. Ask people to become your marriage mentors (with his agreement, of course). Start having couples that you admire in for dinner. Surround yourself with people who can help you. If you expand your social circle where you are right now, then living so close to his family may not be that big a deal.
You’re Going to Have to Start Having That Tough Conversation
Nevertheless, at some point you’re going to have to have that difficult conversation. Instead of asking him to set goals, though, what about sitting down and doing it together. “Where would you like to be in five years? What kind of home would you like to be living in?” Now let’s work backwards from there and see what it takes to get there.
I have some visioning worksheets you can work through with your husband here.
What I wouldn’t do is to start the conversation with: “you need to get a better job” or “when are you going to start on your education?” Let’s instead set goals together and then brainstorm how we will meet them. And remember that you may have to be part of that solution!
Accept the Things You Can’t Change
If you can’t move right now because of finances, then you need to accept it. Be loving to his mother and sisters. Pray about how you can bless their lives rather than seeing all the problems they’re bringing to yours. Make it a goal to save some money and to start educating yourself. But don’t be miserable and decide, “I can only be happy once we move and once he gets a good job.” That’s not fair to anyone. Shine where you are now. Love where you are now. And then you can work towards some other goals for your family.
I’ve got some other posts that can help with unmotivated husbands/in-law issues:
I hope that helps! Let me know in the comments: if your husband started off in a dead end job, what did you both do about it? And what would you say to the woman who’s wondering if she should marry this guy?
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
If you’re wondering whether you should marry, if you have doubts at all, don’t do it.
If you are seeing little red flags (or great big ones) don’t get married until the flags are dealt with.
It may be that things can be worked through – people do grow and change and learn and heal.
But unless or until you are completely sure, don’t get married.
There are enough things that have to be negotiated and worked out once you’re married; don’t go into it feeling uncertain.
That doesn’t mean you have to break off the whole relationship, but it does mean you have to wait, talk, take your time, and be sure any “changes” are genuine and not just a temporary measure on his part to get you to the altar.
Oh. Looks like I had an opinion on that one!! 🙂
Yep! Great thoughts. I agree.
I love that – our lives should be about service, not entirely about leisure. Having different ideas about that point can cause conflict even in a marriage where both people are reasonably motivated.
I like to “do” – serve, help out, have numerous projects on the go. My husband seems to resent it when anything beyond his regular work hours is spoken for – whether it be work around the house, volunteer commitments, etc. Don’t get me wrong, he does those things as needed. He would just rather do the minimum, and is often on my back when I try to do more than the minimum.
To be fair, he’s trying to keep me from doing too much, which is a valid concern, but at the same time, doing nothing is not an option for me – I would lose my mind. 🙂
To the #1 letter writer : if you are ok with earning the income and having hubby be the stay at home dad/husband, go for it. If you want to be the one at home full time… Move on sista. He’s not going to change and become Mr. Super Motivated Provider Man.
To Letter writer #2 : You are in a tough situation, but as Sheila said, you should have acknowledged the signs early on. What to do now? It depends. If you guys are in dire straits then it’s time to woman up and get some income yourself, cut down expenses, and give hubby some ultimatives. If you guys are sort of comfortable, try to get some counseling. And for Pete’s sake, do NOT have another baby yet!!! Get this situation straightened out first.
Re: #1, it could be okay if she is okay with a really scaled-down lifestyle. It sounds like he is working and keeping a job and paying bills (and I have known couples where that was NOT the case, even a little). If he’s not motivated, it’ll probably mean few promotions or bonuses and limited earning potential, but that’s not the end of the world if she’s cool with three hots and a cot. The question may be, though, if he’ll keep working or eventually find an excuse to quit. Or if he gets laid off, if he would ever find the motivation to work again. If the answer is yes, even if it’s a dead-end job, that’s a hugely different scenario than if it’s no or I don’t know.
I’m going through the same scenario!Mine is a senior engineer which stopped working 3 years ago because I started to support my ill mother, I’ve rented a separate apartment for my mother close to us and he even don’t see my mother but I think his problem is that I spend money and time for my mother.
I’m a good wife, working hard outside and on Sat & Sun, I cook& clean and maintain the house. What he does, he sits in front of TV or goes to bed anytime he wants. When I asked him when he’s ready to go back to work, he said he can’t wait for my mother death!!!!! Isn’t funny that you get divorce just because you support your mother?! He brought up the divorce subject and I signed the paper work for him because after 3 years fighting I don’t have much to tell him, but he stayed and despite of threaten me to divorce! Lately he verbally abuses me like I don’t know how to live and sometimes even telling me if I leave he would make a permanent damage to my life. Not sure what he wants, but it’s just not fair that I go to work and he sits at home and watches porn!!
Do Not marry him. I married a man that I met in college. He was supposed to be an engineer. Well, eventually we got married, but he never finished college. I didn’t either when we were married. However, we had two beautiful children and I went back to finish my degree. He had promised me he would go back and finish his degree and he never did. He is unmotivated and unemployed right now. I have given up encouraging him and am ready for a divorce. If he had told me from the beginning that he did not want to continue with his education, I would have never married him. I am tired of supporting someone who has lied to me and never finishes anything he starts.
My advice to you would be not to marry him and save yourself a lot of heartache and problems that come in a married to a man that is unmotivated because he will not change. Trust me, I’ve waited nd waited and I’m broke and killing myself working while he sits at home doing nothing and getting sick.
Find a hard worker that is motivated and financially secure.
Im going through the same exact thing right now and its awful. He lies about trying to find employment constantly and turns it on me like I’m insane. I make minimum wage and feel like I’m supporting a spoiled teenager with no respect.
I am going through the same, he has worked towards his associate but he needed help to pass the classes most of the time. He has been fired from 5 jobs in 3 years. He gets into arguments. I do not have respect for him. I am the one bringing the majority of the money to the house. He pays 2 bills and I pay all of the rest. I am taking care of a man child. I got married to him, kinda knowing but I thought it was his school but he he has only kept a job for no longer than 2 years. What to do, I am so confused!!
I think it’s really important to be on the same page on these issues. With letter one, I can kind of empathize, except that my husband and I are neither one extremely career focused or ambitious. I think it is important as you are dating to make sure that you can respect your husband’s level of passion for his work. In our relationship, I both respect it and get it. We are more excited about spending time with our family and doing other things; work is more a means to an end. If you are out of sync on those things, and can’t respect your partner’s outlook toward work, that sounds like a problem waiting to happen.
I will say that in the going on six years we’ve been together, we have both gotten somewhat more serious and focused as concerns our work, which has to do with having kids and general growing up together. But that’s not an outcome you can just assume, I don’t think.
Be careful with the “31 and still living with his parents” question. In the past decade, due to the economy in the US, its becoming more and more common with the load of debt graduates carry, and the availability of jobs.
For example, my son is 22. He graduated from Johnson and Wales university, with a culinary degree. He loves being a chef, and he is fantastic at it too. He has a full time job, has had it for actually more than 3 years (he started as an intern). He made $16k (before taxes) last year working in the kitchen at a nursing care center. Almost below the poverty level.
(BTW, those folks who complain about people at McDonald’s should be making $15.00/hr? How about those folks who tarke care of our elderly? They make far less, for a far more important job)
He still lives at home, and does not spend money – about all he spends his money on is a car (a used 2008, gas, insurance), a phone (cheap), and his student loans. He has managed to save $10k in 2 years. But with the kind of pay he has, and where we live (new england) with its astronomical housing prices, he’d need a roommate or two just to afford the cheapest of apartments.
He’s a good kid, never been in any trouble, and helps out around the house, especially with his younger brothers and our own work schedules (making dinners, etc). Goes to church every sunday and wed. He has lots of friends (quite a few girls), but has never dated (he’s a quite introvert kind of guy).
But we somewhat ache for him that he is not in a relationship. We hope girls don’t see him as “Geez, still living at home? What a loser.” Because he’s not.
I know of at least 6 friends whose kids are in exactly the same position – and quite frankly they have jobs that pay them way more then my kid.
Anyways, just wanted to point out that adult kids, living at home, even into the late 20s and early 30s, in this day and age? Not so uncommon.
Don’t feel discouraged about your son! Speaking as a twenty-something, we’re all pretty aware and sympathetic to our peers’ job struggles. My husband was living at home before we married, and we’ve had no issues with either work ethic or boundaries with in-laws. I know it sounds bad to older generations, but there are definitely some good character qualities to come out of that kind of humbling, difficult start to adulthood.
22 is not 31. And if he’s managed to safe $10 k in 2 years it’s highly unlikely he’ll still be living at home when he’s 31.
I get what you’re saying. Where I grew up it was very common for all of us to stay at home through collage. But they guys started looking at houses/ flats/ etc. pretty seriously by the time they hit 24/25. My friend is turning 31, doesn’t have a collage education (he dropped out with his mother’s blessing. It just wasn’t his thing), started a company, sold the company,and now has a pretty great job. He owns a flat that he rents out. He might move back home to help his mom take care of his ailing dad. That’s not the same as being content to do the bare minimum through your 20’s. Oh, and if you think the job market is though in the US, try being a white male in South Africa.
Yeah, Alchemist, I feel you re: being a white male in South Africa. Hubby got retrenched about 10 years ago, and doesn’t even qualify for an interview because he is white. He had to start his own business, but now companies won’t deal with him because there is no BEE – he is a one-man business. It is so, so tough! But, I do know that God will provide all we need – because He has told me that in His word. It’s also why I work and I’m not at home with my daughter, even though I would love to be… And why I wear my mother’s hand-me-downs…
As a young woman, I can say that among my friends and I, it isn’t necessarily viewed as a deal breaker if someone still lives with their parents, for the reasons you mentioned. The thing we look for is whether the guy has goals and a concrete plan to get out of there, and isn’t just content to be there indefinitely. His lifestyle is also important — is he sitting at home playing video games? Spending a lot of money on ‘extras’ but doesn’t help out with rent or basic necessities? Or is doing what it sounds like your son is doing (this is good)?
Your son should also not be looking to get married anytime soon (as you say he’s not even dating, that’s a good thing). If you can’t even provide a roof over your own head, how will you provide for a spouse? And children? And surprise babies do happen! Trust me, lol. He’s got plenty of time. Sounds like he’s a winner, too!
I’m sure it is always very hard to answer emails from readers. You never know what is going on both sides of the equation. I know that one of my brothers was in a very draining marriage with a wife that refused to clean up the house. He couldn’t handle the homelife and spent a lot of his days sleeping when he came home from work. I’m not saying he was right about that, but if his wife had written in to say he was unmotivated, the reader wouldn’t know both sides. It is so hard to handle these types of questions for sure.
I agree with what you have to say, I know it is hard to really speak to everything going.
For the first girl: You need to picture him never, ever changing at all and figure out if you can life with that. If the answer is no, then move on.
Exactly. Imagine that he will never change, will never take on more responsibility, will never cut back on his hobbies, and will be okay with that and argue that you are being controlling if you try to change him.
If you can live with that, go for it.
If not, run like the devil.
In some ways, you are very lucky to see this now. I met my husband in a “ministry school” setting and we married quickly so I never saw what type of habits or character he had outside of what he told me. We talked dreams, goals, etc. and he does not have the framework to make those happen. But they seemed great. I took him at his word because our situation didn’t allow me to see his character in real life. I would not recommend that for others and in my youthful immaturity missed the signs.
What a wise advice!
I married a lazy husband myself, and things were amazing as long I did everything, but as soon we had kids and I wasn’t able to do everything, being married became life in hell..
Tough subject. My brother is engaged and recently his fiancee expressed some frustration to my parents about his not helping with their dogs. (I’m pretty sure they’re living together, which is a whole different issue.) My dad proceeded to tell her how ridiculous that was, and a whole host of other out of line things. He’s been messy and lazy with things around the house for as long as I can remember, so I’m really not surprised. He also lives about 200 yards from my parents, so there’s proximity and reliance issues there, too. I moved away after I married, and I’m really concerned for their relationship. I can only hope they don’t end up in a situation like this!
I don’t think it’s always a red flag when someone lives with their parents past college age. I lived with my parents until I got married at age 28. That’s definitely not the norm, but I didn’t know anyone to be roommates with, and I was an extreme help to my parents while I was still there. I cooked, cleaned, bought groceries, etc. And I had a job from age 15 on. I’m glad my husband didn’t look at my situation and back away.
That being said, there were no doubt red flags the second letter writer sadly ignored.
Another thing related to shaky finances: if a guy you’re in a relationship with wants to borrow money from you, another red flag. I’ve been there, and one of my biggest regrets is that I actually let him!
We had some college friends that had a marriage like #2. They ended up divorced. He is still content living very simply and she remarried someone who allowed her to live comfortably and support their kids well. I think these two were not a good match and didn’t really understand each other when they married (got married in early college). If I were the letter writer #1, I would have some deep conversations with her boyfriend to really discern where he is at in terms of providing for his future family and sharing her heart about where she would like to be. If they are not aligned, it is much easier to make the break now rather than have the heartache of unmet expectations after marriage and children.
I don’t think either of these guys seem like genuinely bad people – not everyone wants to run the rat race or climb the career ladder. With Husband #2, you say he does not want to continue his education or move nearer to your parents, but maybe he is content in his “dead end” job and fees the same way about your family as you do about his. I think in the first case, she needs to consider that if her boyfriend never changes, is it something she can live with? In the second case, I like the advice about deciding on goals for the family together, that way you can see where he’s coming from and how you can both be happy and content in the future together!
I read all the comments and I just had to write this. The guy probably has Bipolar Disorder or is Borderline as this is mostly a mood disorder and primarily motivation is a huge problem area. Mental health issues are usually the underlying cause for a lot of the troubles in life. I hope this helps since nobody mentioned a possible mental health issue contained within that can seriously ruin lives if ignored. I know cos I am Bipolar?BPD/ADHD myself. Thanks.
That’s a great point, Abishai! Thank you for mentioning that.
I think the advice is solid, for sure. You don’t want to get stuck with someone who has lofty dreams but no plan or drive for getting there. Obviously, without being in the situation, it’s hard to tell if that’s the case with the boyfriend. He sounds pretty level-headed, and it’s possible he just hates his job. My dad hates his job, but he’s stayed at it for over 20 years just to support his family. He’s complained about it a lot, but he DOES his job, and he’s always put family first. Sometimes you have to look at what a person DOES and not so much what they say. And it could be that this boyfriend would be a great husband for ANOTHER girl, but maybe this girlfriend wants someone with a little more fire. 🙂
With the husband situation, yeah, the 31-at-home is a little weird, but it might be that their family just doesn’t see a need for the kids to move out until they get married. It’s also possible he felt like he had to take care of his folks until he moved out. I’m not saying he’s right or wrong, it’s just that we don’t know his reasons, or if he was supporting himself all the time while just rooming with his folks or not. It sounds like he also HAS been working the whole time he’s been married. Again, we really don’t know enough details. The wife wants to feel safe and secure, but honestly, I’m not sure why she doesn’t feel that way. She doesn’t state whether they are behind on bills. It sounds like he’s content to keep working a “dead end” job (but is that HER definition, and does he HAVE to aspire for some greater thing if the work is stable?). She really didn’t list any negatives! If anything, she sounds unhappy with living by his family and wants him to make more money. And SHE did move to HIS state. If she always wanted to be back by her family (and that’s not a red flag?), she probably should have considered that and talked with her man about that earlier on. What if she’s just discontent and wants more, even though he’s taking care of them just fine? He might be saying he’ll go to school just to get her off his back!
But we have no idea (unless these are only shortened versions of the letters they sent you, Sheila!). I just know that there are always two sides to the story, and sometimes the “victim” isn’t really the victim at all. The girlfriend sounds like she just wants to make a wise choice in her future spouse, which is wonderful! Or maybe she’s looking a gift horse in the mouth. It’s hard to tell with the wife, though. Sometimes when you’re stuck in a situation for a long time, your own mindset is what makes things the most difficult for you. But then, who knows, maybe her husband is a lazy bum! I do hope these women were able to make wise choices in their unique situations.
This is my case right now. Unmotivated, less driven, selfish man i married. Before we got married, i asked my husband his plans for the future and he mentioned all we have discussed before. How he would make sure i don’t suffer and get a better job.
I married him very poor and out of love hoping with his talent and motivation, we would make it.
After marriage i started reminding him of his promises and he pretended to be looking for a job not knowing he was sticking to his present job cos its convinent with timing and has less work.
Come last year a better job came with all the benefits a family needs and he flatly rejected it. Few days after i fainted. I think due to over-thinking and depression. The emergency vehicle came to my rescue, my husband came and even in my hospital bed, i begged him to go back and accept the job for my sake and especially that of our son. He still refused.
Then my eyes opened to the kind of man i have married. A liar, lazy, two-faced human.
I had to start working to support the family and still never stopped talking.
But i have given up. I have come to accept the fact that he is who he is and wants me to accept him like that. But i cannot and would not live like this.
If i had known his promises were all words of mouth, i could have made sure he did as he said before we tied the knot. Because then he listens to me for fear of not losing me. Now he has me, he wants to claim ‘but i have a job’.
A job that cannot take care of the family. My husband puts himself first before family.
We started this year again with hardship and trools of bills. He is the type that hates to pay bills also. When they come, he puts them aside or hides them till i find it and turn to a talkative.
The company car which we use has been taken away by his Boss. Now as a family we have no more car. Even with all, he is not burged.
I have given him three months to put his act together.
Comes no change, i don’t see a marriage continuing.
My situation and type of husband is not what i wish for even my enemy. A man is expected to provide as the head of the home. A woman supports. Marriage is to be enjoyed not endured. My father gave my siblings and my mother a good life. He puts us first before leisure. So seeing a lazy person just doesn’t cut for me.
And need i say he is 44 with no goal and plan for the future. He sees everything wrong with people who are rich.
0000 mindset he has.
As for the lady with the boyfriend, make sure he change his job bfr you tie the knot. Or accept that you would be the man/provider in the later furture.
They never change after.
All the Best
Hi Guys, As for the living at home thing; it is common now. I’m in my late 20 s and haven’t moved out yet. It is on the do list but may not happen for while as I get on well my mum and she happy with me paying board and helping at home. I work, I’m saving and I also completed my degree a few years back. 🙂
Hey, Kiwi girl–
Living with your family when you’re paying board and helping out around the house is very different than simply extending high-school and bumming in your parents’ house and causing MORE work for them as a result 🙂 That’s the difference. All over the world kids live with their parents well into adulthood, but their roles change from a child into an adult (as it sounds like yours have since you’re working, saving, and paying rent!). The red flag is when there is that resistance to taking on responsibility/growing up, which is what was seen with the guy in the reader question.
Just came across this forum and I’m going through something very similar. Me and my husband have been married for 6 years and I’ve always known him to be very motivated and driven. Recently this past month he’s been completely opposite. He has a job now that is more lenient about absences and what time he goes in. Or at least that’s what he says. Overtime is optional from what he’s told me. And I feel like he’s taking advantage of that. They took away there overtime completely a week ago and all he did was complain. Yet now they have it back and he still goes in at noon versus 10am. This is probalmatic for me because I’m starting to feel it in our finances. This month I had to pay the rent and when he got his paycheck which wasn’t much he payed me partially back. He use to pay most of the bills before this slump he’s been in. I’m super frustrated and I should also mention we have 2 kids. This morning I woke him up at 9:15 to go in at 10 and he was not happy he raised his voice at me and said he was going and then fell back to sleep. I asked him again at 9:45 he said I was pushing him and nagging him and now he’s not going in until noon because of me. I’m so upset.
My husband was a software engineer, he left his job 2 years before our Marriage,but hiding this matter he married me n cheated me,now 3 years finished but still not thinking about job,full day spending time with Mobil by playing,how to solve my problem?
My husband has never stayed in a job long, complains alot when he does have one, we have a toddler and I have always been the one to be the grown up and provide fully for our family, while he hangs with his friends on a daily basis and doesnt even help with house chores even tho he has no job. What do I do?
You can put your foot down and say that unless he contributes, you will deposit the income into your own account? In these cases I usually recommend splitting finances (I don’t usually, as a rule). You can also not do his laundry, etc. And ask his family members to step in and support you and tell him this isn’t acceptable.