Women, it’s time to go beyond a simplistic view of Christianity and a simplistic view of marriage and go deeper. Even if there are no guarantees.
Today’s Wednesday, when we always talk about marriage. And today I want to run an article I originally wrote for iBelieve.com. It’s based on my new book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, which asks us to go beyond some of the typical Christian advice and into true areas of trust.
I met Kayla at a women’s Bible study when we both had toddlers. A newcomer to town, I was ecstatic at the opportunity to meet some friends. Kayla’s motivations, on the other hand, were quite different.
As we delved into a study on prayer, Kayla opened up: “When I was pregnant my husband had an affair with a high school girlfriend. He still talks to her on the phone. I’m here to learn how to wrestle in prayer for my husband’s heart, because I know that God wants me to take this burden and leave it with Him.”
“Just pray about it.”
“Let go, and let God.”
This advice is everywhere in the Christian church–it’s stitched on pillows, it’s written on bracelets, it’s embroidered on bookmarks.
And you can probably think of other such answers, too:
- “If you just submit, he’ll start to lead.”
- “If you learn his love language, he’ll start acting more loving to you.”
- “If you stop criticizing, he’ll step up to the plate.”
Or, even more heartbreaking,
- “If you have sex more, he’ll stop watching porn.”
I call this advice “pat answers”. What makes pat answers so dangerous is that they sometimes work. And because they sometimes work, people start teaching them as if they always work–as if there is a formula that God wants us to follow that will always get our desired result.
But what if there isn’t such a formula? What if, when you’re facing a difficult time in your marriage, there isn’t a simple 3-step plan that can help you find marital bliss?
Pat Answers Encourage Passive Aggressive Christianity
Most pat answers have something in common: they avoid dealing with a problem head-on.
Take the advice, “Let go and let God.” Now 1 Peter 5:7 tells us “cast all your anxiety onto Him because He cares for you.” Laying down our burdens is part of walking the Christian life.
But if we are laying them down in order to convince God to pick them up and do something about them, then we’re not really laying them down. We’re saying, “Okay, God! I did my part; now it’s time for you to do yours!” Casting our cares on God becomes less about trusting God and more about treating God like our own personal genie; we do this, so that He will do that.
There’s a similar dynamic with the advice to “love him more” or “submit more.” If we love our husbands so that they will love us, is that real love? Or is it manipulation?
Pat Answers Ignore the Fact that There is a Time for Everything
1 Peter 3:1 tells women that they are to win their husbands “without words.” In context, this verse refers to women who are married to unbelieving husbands winning them for Christ. But I have heard this advice given to women in almost all situations: “If he’s doing something you disagree with, just win him without words.”
Ecclesiastes 3 clearly tells us that there is a time for everything: a time to be silent and a time to speak (verse 7). Jesus was led like a lamb to the slaughter, but He also made a whip out of cords and drove out the money changers. Different situations require different approaches. Pat answers ignore that.
Pat Answers Leave Women, Especially, with Few Options
One of the saddest aspects of marriage pat answers, though, is that so many of the ones directed at women imply that our role is to sit back and do nothing. We’re told to submit, or to “win him without words”, ignoring the fact that Peter believed that we should “obey God rather than men,” (Acts 5:29), and that Paul, who also spoke of submission to authorities, routinely subverted that authority if it went against God.
Submission to a husband’s will when that husband is going against God is not asked of wives. It would turn husbands into idols, and give them a place above Jesus.
Yet by interpreting this Scripture to mean wives should obey husbands, instead of interpreting it to mean that wives should devote themselves to their husband’s welfare, then women in difficult and even abusive situations feel trapped. We use the Scripture to give cover to the abuser rather than to give freedom to the abused. God’s heart is always that people look more and more like Jesus (Romans 8:29), not that people get free rein to act selfishly.
'Too often we use Scripture to give cover to the abuser rather than freedom to the abused.'Click To TweetFeel like you've been believing pat answers?
That’s what my book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage addresses! Let’s look at what God really wants from you in your circumstances, instead of pretending there’s a one-size fits all approach. And let’s look at how to resolve conflict in a healthy way–and truly deal with sin.
Pat Answers Discourage the Hard Work of Resolving Conflict
God does not want marriages stuck. He doesn’t want people feeling distant; His desire is that we be one (1 Corinthians 1:10). Achieving oneness, though, isn’t easy.
Pat answers sound attractive because they latch onto the easy solution, and most of us are desperately looking for an easy way out. That’s why fad diets are so popular! One guy may have lost weight eating nothing but McDonald’s, and to those who have been trying to lose weight for years and are sick of eating lettuce, that option sounds awfully enticing. Eating McDonald’s is way easier than counting calories, exercising, and learning how to eat healthy.
The right thing and the hard thing are quite often the same thing. Jesus told us that following Him would not be easy; that’s why it’s the narrow road, after all. And resolving conflict is very rarely easy.
Most of life is messy, because life is about messy people. It’s messy to speak up. It’s messy to confront someone. It’s messy to look at your own heart and realize where you have contributed to the problem. It’s messy to ask others for their help to confront a spouse who is in sin. It’s messy to admit that you don’t have it all together.
But maybe our mess is one of the things that helps us run to God–and not run to a pat answer. If all we needed was a 3-step plan, there would be no need for the Holy Spirit.
'If all we needed was a 3-point plan, there'd be no need for the Holy Spirit.'Click To TweetPerhaps that’s the crux of the problem. In looking for a pat answer, we’re looking for a way for God to fix our problems. Perhaps we need a mind shift. Instead of searching for a way to fix our problems, we should search for a way to glorify God in the midst of our problems. Sometimes that will mean speaking up and sometimes it will mean staying silent. Sometimes it will mean letting things go, and sometimes it will mean confronting an issue head on. But it will always mean seeking out Jesus, because ultimately He’s the only one who has the answer to our heartaches.
If you want more from your marriage, and more from your relationship with God, it’s time to start thinking beyond pat answers! Learn how changing the way we think can actually change our marriage–for the better.
Don’t stay stuck! Check out 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage today.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Sheila, I love this! This is so insightful. You are so right. I get so frustrated when I read about just giving it to God when I know what I am giving him is mine to own and I can help to change it. This gives me more strength and hope that we are on the right path.
Thank you again for your words of truth.
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So totally correct! I think people need to get away from “man’s rules” and go back to living as it reflects Jesus.
I needed to hear this today. I realize this is directed at marriage but it really can apply to any relationship. We are having issues with major rebellion in our teenage son. It’s been going on so long and we’ve tried so many different things to make things better but it hasn’t helped. At church on Sunday I heard a sermon about God being so much bigger than our problems. I often reverse this in my mind. My problems seem so huge and I forget how powerful he is and how small those problems are to Him. So, I started changing my mindset. Trusting and having faith that God would help up with our son. And that’s good! But today you reminded me that trusting God and expecting Him to act is the first part. Now I need to ask and listen to find out what steps he wants me to take as well. It’s not an either or thing. It’s both. Thanks Sheila for reminding me there might be more than to trust and sit back and wait. I need to ask God. Do you want me to wait? Do you want me to act? If so what do you have in mind for me to do? And then expect an answer and obey what he says. Every situation is different. He might tell me to sit tight and he’s going to come in with help completely separate from me. Or he could tell me that I’m messing up over here and need to change this, this and this. Or it could be a combination of things.
Basically it comes down to a real relationship with Jesus. He knows what is best for my particular situation with my son and how he wants to approach it. And he loves me and will direct my steps. I just need to trust, listen and obey. The obey part may end up being really hard to do in real life but you know what? He will help all the way through and give me the strength I need for each step.
Great insights, Amy! And I’m so, so sorry about your son.
This sentence: “And then expect an answer and obey what he says.” That’s exactly what I’m going through, too, in my prayer life. I’m not good at expecting an answer, but learning how to listen and not always to second guess everything is really helping me this year.
And often the answer is: walk forward in trust, but know that the resolution won’t happen for years!
Yes! This is exactly where i am. I’m so tired of the “pat answers”. I can quote scriptures forwards & backwards but they arent changing my situation….nothing is! I pray, worship, read, do bible studies & self help books & my results are still the same. I wish there was a formula or step by step guide, but there’s not & frankly it sucks! I beg God daily to change me & my heart & mind b/c i dont want to be this way anymore. The hardest part is trusting his timing. Its hard to comprehend how a loving,caring God can watch his child (or in this case children— me & my kids)suffer & experience heartache & rejection everyday w/o stepping in. What do u do when u feel like your prayers are bouncing off the ceiling? What about when your children are hurting so bad & cant understand why God wont talk to or answer them. Its hard not to get angry. I just want answers, yet there never seems to be any. Sigh…i feel like i’m chasing my tail. Guess i’ll just hafta wait for “His perfect timing” huh?!
I’m sorry that things are hard for you right now. I spent three years feelings like my prayers were bouncing off the ceiling; I was terribly depressed and the pat Christian solutions worked every bit as well as a paper umbrella in a monsoon. I couldn’t hear God’s voice, and I felt that I couldn’t go on any more . But I kept going through the void, how I don’t know, and eventually I felt better.
We don’t always know why God chooses to hide Himself, or why He lets our lives fall apart at the seams. We do know, absolutely, as we know the sky is up and the earth is down, that He is good and that our suffering is not hidden from Him. Even though you can’t hear Him, He can hear you. Tell Him what’s going on. You can’t shock or surprise God. Yell at Him if you have to. He can take it. He will not leave you without hope, because He is everything that is good and He does not willingly afflict you. He will help you, even if you can’t feel His presence.
This is so good and so true!!! Oh my goodness, all those pat answers I tried to follow to get my husband to change only served to make our marriage worse. Because “submit and pray” does not work when addiction is involved. I’m not saying prayer doesn’t work, because God still works miracles, but prayer without action is like faith without works.
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“Prayer without action is like faith without works.”
Love it!!!
“Instead of searching for a way to fix our problems, we should search for a way to glorify God in the midst of our problems.” It’s so funny how God knew I needed to hear this. He is the one who tugged my heart to come to your site today. Oh man this is so hard to do isn’t it. I’m tired of feeling like a doormat who must say silent for the sake of “submitting ” but God is showing me that there’s a difference to stay quiet or speak with a godly attitude and to stay quiet because my flesh wants to speak. Thank you for these words Sheila something is happening with my husband right now that I can’t put my finger on and I want to desperately fix it but it’s not my job to fix him or the problems. Jesus has the transforming power not me Thank you for this word
So glad it was so timely!
I had to sleep on this one.
But I’m pretty sure – there is no case where the ‘pat answers’ are the best answers.
They may occasionally be applicable, they may not always be harmful, but if we really take the time to listen to someone and hear their struggle, there is generally something more than “have you prayed enough about it” or “just give it to God” that we could offer them.
When I was a kid, we had a neighbor who found out her husband was cheating on her. She called their pastor and asked what she should do. You know what her pastor said? He told her to put her husband’s stuff on the porch and change the locks while he was at work. Not what you would typically expect to hear from a pastor!!! What I appreciate about it, though, is that it didn’t put the wife in the role of being a longsuffering victim. It gave her some say in the situation. It put the ball in the husband’s court. In their case, the husband got the wake-up call. He ended the affair immediately, they sought counseling, and they restored their marriage.
Now I’m going to get really vulnerable and share part of my own story. About two years ago, my husband and I were going through a really rocky patch. He kept talking about how maybe he should move out for a while so we could have some space from each other, and then changing his mind. One night after we had a big fight he packed an overnight bag and went to a hotel. I didn’t know if he was just going for a night, or if this was the beginning of a separation. But I did know one thing, I was sick and tired of the back and forth. It was extremely stressful and I felt manipulated. So the next day when he said he was ready to come home, I told him “No more of this back and forth. If you’re going to stay, then stay. If you’re going to leave, then leave. But if you pull this kind of thing again, you will come home to find your stuff on the porch and the locks changed. I cannot keep doing this cycle and I will not put our kids through it either.” That was kind of a turning point for us. I drew a boundary. Sometimes wives have to draw a boundary with their husbands and that is okay. We are not powerless.
Thank you Sheila for nice article. Yes, it is time to rethink about typical christian marriage advice. It isoften as dump of some papers and laws those only work at regulation center but in human heart which is “Love, affectionate”.
I am strongly agree with Angie as she quoted “people need to get away from “man’s rules” and go back to living as it reflects Jesus”
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I’ve had a long and mostly terrible marriage. I’ve followed all of the typical Christian marriage advice as long as I could. I’m naturally a passive and “nice” person, so it wasn’t that hard except I was absolutely overwhelmed with heartache.
We see in marriage counseling for the second time and I’m about through with it!Serve your husband, meet his expectations, while the fact that he’s flat out mean, the fact that he expects more from me then from himself, goes brushed over. I the counselor that once I came home from church and we decided on a whim to have company, I picked up a little (it took me about 30 minutes) and we had a nice meal with friends. After or friends left my husband started yelling at me and swearing at me because I had to clean up for company and the house can’t just stay that clean. The counselor asked me “well if it only took 30 minutes, why can’t you do that for your husband?” What? Seriously? But him going crazy and putting me down and telling me off and swearing at me just goes over looked…This is our second counselor, it’s always the same, I’m losing hope. I just wish someone who isn’t me could call him out on his sin, because I have and he won’t see it, and counseling just seems to give him more to criticise me on. It makes it really hard to seek help when out always makes me the bad guy for not enabling him.
Oh, Brandi, that’s too bad. And it is utterly inappropriate for your husband to treat you that way. It really is. I talk about it a lot in 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, and Leslie Vernick’s How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong is really good for that, too.
Just had this conversation with a guy. He’s already put up some red flags and keeps up playing hurt each time I try to move on. Funny but I asked God to end this relationship in His own way because in my heart, I’m done.
well, just last night as we were discussing on the phone we somehow found ourselves discussing the issue of infidelity. I made it clear to him that there are decisions and for every decision, there are consequences. So if someone does betrays a trust, he definitely has to face the consequences. He tried saying this like there’s something called evil manipulation, I was of the opinion that I didn’t believe in that nonsense as long as this topic is concerned. That affairs don’t just happen. It takes time and a the individual had all the time in the world to walk away before it was late. Then he said he’ll also try to counsel the man’s wife to find out what went wrong. Well, I was of the opinion that the wife has no business in that and the burden shouldn’t be put on her. That infidelity points to a fundamental character problem and that is what should be addressed by him facing consequences. Well, I think I gave him something serious to think about. It dawned on me that some of these young people already have it ingrained in their minds that you can actually try to blame a spouse for a fundamental character flaw. I think the church and individuals need to clear this so people will have a long thought before taking certain actions. In the end, he was like, “it’s obvious you won’t tolerate this.” Was a tough discussion but I was glad we had it and I made my points clear. Didn’t even bother sounding any bit sweet while having the conversation. ‘Pat answers’ have ruined people’s believes and produced irresponsible people that cannot take responsibility for their actions. They feel good someone can be blamed.
So true, Shelia! It’s so easy to give the “pat answer.” It’s so easy to give that surface, Bible looking answer. But in order to truly change, we need to receive revelation straight from Holy Spirit ourselves. Thanks for this post!
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