Our marriage still has little areas that are far from perfect.
I think every marriage does, and I’ve begun to wonder if the aim isn’t perfection but instead grace in our areas of tension? Every Friday I like to write a 400-word inspirational piece with one thought about marriage, and today I thought I’d share some of the difficulties Keith and I have driving together. It’s been a bit of a heavy week on the blog, and I thought I’d try something a little lighter! See if you can relate to this:
Sheila’s Marriage Moment: When Your Marriage Has Little Areas of Big Imperfections
Once, early in our marriage, before the days of GPS or mapquest (some of you may not remember that), Keith and I drove through Montreal (fellow Canadians will know how scary that is). He was at the wheel; I had the map. But Keith likes to know exactly where he’s going. And I’m not the best at map reading. I always turn the thing upside down or say “left” when I mean “right”.
Keith swears that when he was tense and asked me where we should go, that I replied (while looking at the map), “we should go up on the blue road.” I don’t remember that. I do remember telling him, in a tentative voice, “I think we turn right here.” He testily replied, “Do you think or do you know?” I replied, “I think I know.”
Over the years technology has greatly improved our driving experience, but we still have tension. You know how sometimes when you have your GPS, the voice says, “In 400 meters turn right”? (Okay, maybe yours says yards or something silly like that, but mine says meters). And you think the GPS means right at THIS VERY INTERSECTION, but it actually meant the next intersection? So you have to turn around a bit and get on the right road?
Well, Keith gets testy if I tell us to turn early. His solution is to look at the GPS himself and never listen to me. He keeps the GPS facing him, and I just shut up.
Here we are in South Carolina on our final trek of the year, heading home. I hit “Home”–and then handed the GPS back to him!
The funny thing is that while driving around with my assistant and friend Tammy, who often comes on my road trips with me, I hold the GPS, I tell her where to go, and it works out perfectly fine. It’s not stressful at all.
Here Tammy and I are on one of our RV trips trying to figure out how to drain the sewage tank for the first time. 🙂
So Keith and I don’t drive well together. And we likely never will. And you know what? It’s perfectly okay. I’m just happy Keith’s driving the RV and I don’t have to! And if we have this one area of tension for the rest of our marriage, what does it really matter?
I think sometimes we believe that God is disappointed in us if there is even one area that isn’t perfect in our relationship. I don’t think that’s true. Most couples have an area that isn’t perfect. But if you learn to accept each other in that area, and not let the tension slip over into other areas, then is it really such a big deal?
I’ve stopped aiming for perfect and now I’m just aiming to love my husband. Even if he does hold the GPS.
What do you not do well together? Let me know in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
As a man I cannot stress this enough. There are some areas women should be really respectful of their husbands about. Never joke in any way that questions his masculinity, his ability to provide, etc. Never be negative about the bedroom. All of these are sensitive areas.
And never be a backseat driver. Never ever ever. Driving is a sacred area for a man.
btw, we also never get lost. We’re just going on an adventure.
I am such a terrible backseat driver! It has been an area of contention for as long as my husband and I have known each other. In all fairness he did have some driving habits that were not good. But I was still pretty over the top. We’ve worked on this a lot – I’m a lot better at keeping my mouth shut and my husband has improved those few things that weren’t good. So now when I do say something while we’re driving I strive to say it respectfully, and he knows if I say something it’s not trivial. Neither of us are perfect, we’re just trying to find a happy medium. 🙂
I WILL be a backseat or sideseat driver when my husband is driving dangerously, which is often. I do not believe in keeping my mouth shut when my child may be in danger from his recklessness. As for Nick’s comment above, your wife is not responsible for stroking your ego. Man up.
I have learned (slowly) that taking a wrong turn is not a big deal for my husband – you just turn around and fix it. So different from how I grew up, and so much more peaceful.
He has learned that my map reading skills only work if I’m not in a moving vehicle (motion sickness!) so on the last leg of a journey I drive and he navigates. It gets us there a lot easier!
So now on road trips we mostly take turns driving, and I drive the bits that aren’t “stay on this road for two hours”.
It works for us. 🙂
I love this! It has been encouraging to spend time with other couples, seeing how they love each other through bug and small quirks. Your conclusion is right on! Love through the imperfections (and maybe learn how to laugh at them too).
How timely. We just returned from a long trip full of rain, storms, fog and bumper-to-bumper traffic. Let’s just say there were some tense moments. Thanks for letting us know we are not alone. 🙂 We have learned to laugh (later) at some of our quirks – ok I laugh and he tolerates. I know it would be the same if I were driving and he was in the passenger seat – so we give each other grace. I just wish there was a brake on the passenger side LOL
My wife does not drive but she is a great navigator. We have taken many long trips and she has the map (I do not like GPS, there are too many mistakes). Usually we studied the map together before we set off. We have occasionally loused up but other than driving some extra miles we have always reached our destination safely. While on the road she would look up points of interest in the BCAA tour guide books and would adjust our route accordingly. Unfortunately we rarely take trips now for health reasons.
Oh you are SO funny! Love this post!
BTW-was very disappointed that I wasn’t able to make it to your talk at my church in T.O. a few weeks back. Hopefully I’ll catch you the next time. 😉
Aaaaaand one more thing…thank you SO much for suggesting that fun little movie (on your right side bar). My entire family was able to watch this wholesome family movie. We don’t have cable or netflix, etc so I just picked it up at the local library. 🙂 Keep them coming!
OMG! going through this RIGHT now as we drive through Sydney, Australia! Major marriage conflict going on right now because of EXACTLY what you wrote about the gps and all! Haha! Thanks Sheila! I am not alone! Whew!
Hi Guys & Gals,
Wife of 40 years/notorious backseat driver. This used to be such a bone of contention not anymore. There was a commercial on TV, I cannot remember what is was for but the wife is cooking eggs, the husband comes in and starts offering advice on how to cook the eggs. “Flip them now,” “Hurry they’re going to burn,” “Grab a different spatula, quick,” on and on. Finally the wife stops and says “what is wrong with you,” he says, that’s what it feels like when I’m driving. It was hilarious. Now when we drive or we are a bit over zealous in our instruction the other says, “Hey how are your eggs?” Stops all the tension and puts it in perspective.
This is great! I love things like that.
Oh driving in traffic is such a joy for hubby & me – NOT! I joke that the Kindle has saved our marriage because he doesn’t brake as soon as I do, so I push on my “fake” brake pedal on the passenger side and it annoys the heck out of him. So now just play games on my Kindle or read a book or magazine so I don’t watch what he’s doing. He’s never crashed us, but I still continue to be a panicky passenger in heavy traffic.
My hubby and I fly when we have far to travel. It’s better for our marriage! :-p We live in Oregon, where it is illegal for us to pump our own gas. Even though we don’t share the same driving style, and I can get lost faster than anyone, I’m so thankful when hubby gets out of our rental car and manages to pump gas like a pro!
We used to get lost all of the time too. I was never good at navigating. So thankful for GPS. I Remember one time that we were stuck in downtown Greensboro, NC for 45 minutes and couldn’t figure out how to get back on the right road.
This is not a problem for us at all. He drives. I’m asleep in about 15 min. No problem.
If he’s very tired and has to stay awake, I keep both of us awake by asking him lots of questions.
Men and women actually navigate in completely different ways. Men are generally pretty good (so I’ve been told) at keeping a N-E-S-W map in their heads. Women navigate by landmarks and the number of turns to the left and the right. If you think back to the hunter-gather days, this makes sense, and of course, it’s why we tend to turn the map upside down.
Of course it varies from person from to person, but women are generally reasonable navigators IF we are allowed to navigate in a woman’s way. Which is why you and your assistant can drive together well. Might be worth a conversation with Keith though, especially if your GPS ever breaks down.
Typically my husband drives and I navigate. But I know beforehand whether he knows where we need to go or whether I need to give step-by-step directions and look it up early so that I have a general idea before I turn on the GPS.
We’re often going to rural areas where I lose cell signal. One time I wasn’t quite sure which way (of multiple offered) was the best, so I chose one; when I was telling him to turn, I was unsure if it was the best way and that came out in my voice. It honestly almost caused him to have a panic attack because A) it was snowing, B) he was driving an RV, C) we were on our way to HIS race that he couldn’t be late for, and D) his dad kept saying, “Are you sure? Are you sure?”
We have learned since then that I need to take screenshots of the map/directions and tell him when we’re stopped (or before we start) that I don’t know the best way, and then we decide it together. All those things have helped ease the tension, and we have never been late to a race 🙂
I took orienteering in Cubs, Scouts, then Venturers and Cadets. So, maps are sacred.
My wife is a map turner. A. MAP. TURNER.
That means, whatever direction we’re going, she turns the map to match our direction of travel on the road that we’re driving.
Granted, we now use GPS on our phones.
But, when we were still young, we had to use maps to navigate.
We would make a turn in the vehicle, and she’d turn the map.
I’ve never turned a map.
It frustrated me, until I got my head around the fact that she still got us to where we were going, and never got us lost.
So, she can turn the map all she wants. It stopped bothering me, and I stopped complaining about it.
I cannot drive while my husband is in the van. I know he is a better driver and he’s trying to be helpful, but I get so stressed. I would rather he drive, even my vehicle, than him telling me how to drive all the time.