Does your husband make you feel insecure?
Last week I wrote about how sex can make you feel powerful. But I know that in all too many marriages the opposite is the case. Your husband says things that make you feel ugly, degraded, or objectified.
Every Friday I like to write a Marriage Moment, a quick, 400-word inspirational piece about marriage that touches on just one thing. This week I thought I’d talk to those women for whom last week’s post didn’t apply–those whose husbands tell them that they’re not attractive, or have impossible standards for beauty.
It’s a sad one. here goes:
Sheila’s Marriage Moment: When Your Husband Makes You Lose Your Confidence
When I give my Girl Talk, my event for churches where I talk about sex and marriage, I always include an anonymous Q&A session. And invariably one of the questions I get goes something like this:
I try to keep myself fit, and I’ve only gained 10 pounds since the wedding and having kids. But my husband is always telling me I’m fat, or mentioning gym memberships or pressuring me to tone up. And he’s always asking me to do things I’m just not comfortable doing, especially when he doesn’t even think I’m attractive.
I get email upon email like that, too–more today than I did five years ago.
It’s getting worse, and I’m fed up.
Our bodies were not designed to look the same at 36 as they did at 16. And there is no good reason that a couple cannot enjoy great sex even after stretch marks and a gravity shift!
When I hear about men expecting their wives to keep a body shape that just doesn’t happen post-baby, I get a huge red flag. That man has bought into our pornified culture which says that only one type of woman is attractive. And he has made sex into something only physical, since he wants to do things that make her feel uncomfortable.
Ladies, the problem is not with you. You are not wrong to want to be his sole object of attraction. You are not wrong for feeling “icky” about certain sexual acts.
You want real intimacy; he wants pornography in the flesh. And it needs to stop!
Don’t let his words make you feel inferior; listen to God’s design for sex instead. Believe what God said about intimacy being physical, spiritual, and emotional all at the same time–when we make it only physical, we rob ourselves of something profound.
Next time he insults your body, reply,
Honey, I love you, but I believe that you have bought into lies that our culture has told us about sex, and it’s making us miss out on what God has for us. Can we talk about how we can have an awesome, intimate sex life together, instead of defining ourselves by our culture’s standards?
Our culture has become disgusting. Don’t let our gross culture rob you of confidence of joy in your marriage. Stand up for truth, even if that means standing up to your husband.
Next Steps if This is a Big Problem in Your Marriage:
Ask your husband if you can go through 31 Days to Great Sex together. It helps you talk about your desires for sex; it helps you work through your preconceived notions about sex that may be wrong; it helps you communicate about hurts that you’ve had. And it also is super fun–it helps you explore your bodies, spice things up, and make things feel great while also talking about safe and appropriate boundaries. It’s a great way to start the conversation without being confrontational or angry (and it’s fun, too!). Get it here.- Explore whether pornography is a factor in your marriage. Suggest getting Covenant Eyes installed on your computers and devices.
- Be proactive about identifying a mentor couple for both of you and an accountability partner for your husband. Sometimes we need someone else to come alongside us and say, “you know, you may think what you’re feeling is natural and normal, but it’s really wrong.”
What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?
We are hitting the #4’s this week (except for the top new post from this week of course!), because the other top posts were all mentioned last week, and I wanted to give you something new! With spring right around the corner (maybe?) it’s just the right time to start airing thing out. From the clutter in the house to the clutter in your marriage, we are cleaning up and starting fresh!
#1 NEW Post on the Blog: If I Divorce My Husband Will I Lose My Salvation?
#4 on the Blog Overall: Top 10 Effects Of Porn On Your Brain, Your Marriage, And Your Sex Life
#4 from Facebook: Why Sex Isn’t Just For Him
#4 from Pinterest: The 43-Folder System: Organizing Your Paper Clutter
I Guess I Got a Little Testy This Week, Eh?
I feel like I spent this week rebuking people. I don’t normally get upset at reader questions, but this week’s, by the woman wanting to justify an affair, really got my back up, and I let her have it.
And then on Wednesday I tried to address something else that I see over and over again in reader questions: people feeling helpless and like everything is everyone else’s fault and nothing is their own fault. I used two questions that didn’t have as much to do with “fault” as they did with choice, but this is a theme I see so often in questions. Here’s the issue: if you did absolutely nothing wrong and there’s no way that you possibly could have done things differently, then there’s also no way you can do things differently now. We really need to start recognizing that we are not helpless babes being carried along in life; we are making choices, and we’ve made choices in the past, and we will continue to make choices. That’s actually freeing!
I do have a lot of sympathy for people in tough marriages, and I’ve written so many posts for them recently. But I also think that it’s pretty impossible to fix those marriages unless we first recognize that there are things that are within our power to make our lives better, and then we actually follow through! Blaming everyone else and seeing all the bad in our lives never helps anybody.
Wanna Hear My Husband and I Talk About Marriage?
My “patrons” (the people who support me on a monthly basis for as little as $5 a month) heard a podcast of my husband and I reminiscing about what we did right (and what we did wrong) preparing for the empty nest! And I put Keith on the spot for a few questions. They also got an email today with all the things I’ve been reading and more thoughts on some of my posts (an “inside Sheila’s brain” thing). And later this month, when the Ultimate Homemaking Bundle comes out, some of my patrons will get one for free (depending on their level of support). If you want to see more behind the scenes of this blog, and just get to know me better and ask me questions, you can become a patron, too!
We’re on Our Way Home!
Yesterday in South Carolina, after 2 weeks in the south and three trips in the RV (where we left the RV in storage and flew home) we are finally driving it home.
I hit the “Go Home” button on our GPS!
We’ll be back in the U.S. with our RV in May for a quick tour in Pennsylvania (there’s still one more opening if you’re a church in Pennsylvania/Ohio that would like to host a Girl Talk! And they don’t take long to organize, so there’s still time! Just email Tammy for more info).
And then we’ll be back next year, doing it all over again, in September, starting in Michigan/Iowa/Kansas/Oklahoma. Again, if you want to be a part of it, just email Tammy!
An Instagram Update
Here’s one of our more dramatic moments this week:
Here’s What Katie’s Been Up To While I’ve Been Gone
And that’s it for now, everybody! Have a great week!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
My husband tells me I’m sexy. But I don’t believe him. He keeps wanting to watch movies with sex scenes in them, because he says it’s fun to watch other people have sex, it turns him on(he used to be addicted to porn). He often makes comments about an actresses boobs while watching tv. I’m 36 and have had 5 kids, i don’t come clothes to looking like a model. So I don’t believe him when he compliments me.
Not to mention, he tells me way too often that I am not a good homemaker, I need to quit homeschooling, & get a higher paying job so we can have more money. we have enough money to get buy and occasionally some extra.
Put it all together and I feel like I am not good enough for him. It all makes me feel unattractive, and I find myself not getting naked when he’s around, avoiding sex for as long as possible, lying about how my period is. When we do have sex I don’t truly connect with him.
My heart is broken and cold, this is not the way I thought marriage would be.
I have had to overcome lack of confidence in the bedroom and with my self image and even who I am because of my past, my husband, and my own accepted lies.
I have accepted that I am beautiful and I have a lot to offer, but I have also accepted that I am ugly and people may not want what I offer. It is as simple as human preferences. To one man I am gorgeous. To another I am ugly. That doesn’t bother me anymore.
But, when it is your own husband who thinks you are unattractive and don’t have much to offer him, then it is devastating. I finally decided in my own marriage that I am my own woman, who God created me to be. I change for God and myself. I do not change for any man, especially if it is sinful or impossible. Sure, I take my husband’s preferences into consideration, but within realistic reason. He likes a certain lingerie. I wear it from time to time. He likes a certain hair color and breast size. I am not spending hundreds of dollars on a hair color that isn’t me, nor thousands of dollars on an elective surgery.
Fact is, he chose to marry ME. Not some blank slate he could customize through bullying (thankfully, he doesn’t really bulky me, but there have been those hurtful comments, porn use, wandering eye). So, I ignored him and let myself be me. It is his responsibility to choose me. Not fence sit, but either choose me or leave.
Oddly enough, I met a woman who looks like me, but has the hair color and bust size hubby likes. He mentioned the other day why she wasn’t around when he was looking for a wife. The comment cut me to the core (and this wasn’t the first time by a long shot that he has mentioned other women he might have married). I didn’t say anything except voice that what he said upset me. But if he says it again, I am inviting him to leave to pursue her. Either put up or shut up. Fence sitting is not allowed. Mature and love me as you ought to or get out.
I spent years sniveling and sobbing, poor me, crying until I got sick over stuff like this. I had a breakdown when he watched Game of Thrones. Found out later he watched many of these porno type shows. Trembled for an entire day when I found a porno magazine in his truck. Endured his verbal abuse for 3 days when I caught him watching porn on YouTube. No more. I am not weak. I am not worthless. I am not measured by a man who allows himself to be filled by the lies of the enemy concerning sex and beauty.
I am considering taking a self defense course, too. We women have got to stop shrinking under men. We have got to stop allowing ourselves to be abused, treated like crap, and letting men walk all over us. We need to stop putting ourselves in positions of helplessness. I used to adhere to the whole “don’t bother with college or a career if you just want to be a stay at home wife.” No more! It is a trap!! Too many of us are living in bondage because of the uber-submissive, man-serving messages we get.
I choose to be me, an individual. Then I can fully give of MYSELF to my husband, should he choose me. Not some altered version, changed by pornified society or biblical interpretive messages. But ME, raw and pure.
So few men do choose.
I know my husband loves me for what I do for him. If I stop doing it (not out of spite, but say I become ill or disabled) will he still choose me? I am still worthy to be chosen, but can he see that without seeing me as God sees me?
That is such a sad situation! I’m so sorry! But it really sounds like you’re handling it in a healthy way–going to God for your confidence and basing your identity in Him. That will put you in such good stead in the long run, whatever happens. Prayers for you, sister!
I know this was written a few years ago but just wanted to say I so admire your attitude towards this in your marriage! It truly is freeing and empowering to be ourselves, who God created us to be, and not be tossed to and fro by other’s opinions and lies, even our husbands. I want to be the same.
I feel the same way, I’m 49 I work out I’m fit , I wear makeup most of the time ,I feel the worst betrayal I have ever felt in my life, he’s having sex with me and looking at porn on his phone , I was sick to my stomach I felt like I’m nothing ugly and gross. The other night he looking at girls in bikini and tries to have sex with me, I feel so gross
I’m so sorry, Jeannie. It’s okay to say, “I won’t have you touch me after you’ve been aroused by another woman.” It’s okay to put your foot down about that. You’re worth more than that.
What an inconsiderate huband! I married my wife because I loved her and I wanted to live with her and look after her. After over 40 years I still let her know, often, that I think she is the most wonderful and beautiful woman in the world to me. We are more in love than ever and our marriage just keeps on getting better. Of course we thank God every day for our marriage and our family and all the other blessings He showers on us.
Kudos to you. It does my heart good to know there are actually men (or maybe you’re the only one) who actually loves his wife this way. I’ve never known it or seen it. 👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👍👍👍👍
A man doesn’t have to tell his wife she’s not attractive to ruin her confidence. Just saying something like, “Whoa that woman had nice legs” can make us feel really yucky and inferior. And if there’s been porn use, even if it’s stopped? Recipe for bad self-image.
I agree 100% that what those men say and expect is inappropriate and downright sinful. Though I do want to explore the other side of the coin (possibly) is that even most men instinctively know that attraction is more than physical. If a wife treats her husband like a child or nags or criticizes or even is just extremely insecure (in areas that only she and God can fix), those are unattractive behaviors that can make men feel physically unattracted to their wives. These husbands are still responding inappropriately, to be sure, but I want to point out that sometimes the physical attractiveness is not what has changed. Does that make sense?
In the same way, attractiveness has much more to do with inner beauty. How many physically beautiful women become ugly when you discover they are critical and complaining, and how many average women become truly stunning when they have a humble spirit and a joy that comes from finding confidence in walking with their Savior? I think this situation calls for confronting the husband’s sin but also trying to determine the cause(s). If the wife’s insecurities are causing her to become unattractive to her husband it can create a viscous cycle. She feels unattractive, which causes her to behave unattractively, to which the husband (sinfully!) responds by telling her she is unattractive, and so on. I think sometimes as a wife it is up to us to break that cycle. If you can find your self-worth and confidence in who you are as a daughter of the King–completely apart from your husband’s opinion–and your husband still finds you unattractive, it is safe to say he alone is in sin. You can’t change him, though you can and SHOULD confront him, but you can only change yourself. I have personally been on a journey recently to uncover and root out my insecurities and I am shocked by how much they were negatively impacting my marriage. It has been so worth the struggle to find my identity in Christ, where it belongs, and my marriage benefits as a bonus too.
Thank you so so much for this reply post-I’m currently living that situation and how you described it owned it and proposed ways to handle it were spot on and realistic and Chridtisn centered. I needed this so bad! God bless!!!
Me too. This is where I am right now. Thank you
I am a little torn by this post – I don’t necessarily agree that it’s the pornification of our culture that more women are making these complaints about their husbands. That may be part of it, but not all of it. It’s a foolish man who would constantly tell his wife she’s not attractive and he’s doing no better in the looks department; it’s unrealistic to expect that she will look the same as she did when he first met her – I’m sure he doesn’t.
Basically, I say don’t let anyone, including your husband, especially your husband make you feel unattractive. Nip it in the bud. If he makes negative comments about your weight, your looks, etc tell him how it makes you feel. If he’s really trying to tell you something, hear him out. When you are loved and feel loved you can listen and hear what the real message is. It might have absolutely nothing to do with porn – maybe his mother always took care with her appearance and he has that as an expectation (that’s just an example).
Again, when you know where your mate is coming it’s easier to talk about everything including bedroom activity.
And as women we need to know that our husbands are not responsible for our self-image – that starts with us. They can enhance or detract from it, but we are responsible for how we feel.
I agree especially with your last point, that our husbands should not have the power to steal your confidence, in the same way that he can’t make you mad (like Sheila says in 9 Thoughts). Our confidence needs to be in our identity in Christ. That said, it is a foolish and sinful man that tears down his wife. A godly man seeks to edify and build up his wife. If the husband claims to be a Christian, he needs to be called out on his immature, hurtful, and sinful behavior.
But as a woman, your insecurities are your own; your husband cannot fix them (especially if you reject his compliments) but neither should he be able to tear down a woman who is secure in God. Does that make sense? I’m NOT saying that is easy. I am so incredibly angry to hear that ANY man treats his wife this way, especially if he claims to be a Christ-follower! How stupid! But ultimately our favor rests in God alone, not men (or a man).
Can you ever really feel beautiful without questioning his intentions again after you’ve caught your husband with porn? It’s been almost 2 years since I’ve caught him and he has stopped p&m.
He’s never tried to tear me down and has always said I am beautiful before and since. But now I can no longer take the compliment without feeling flat out ashamed of how I look and instantly comparing myself to what he looked at. The compliments are a strange mixture of me needing to know what he thinks then not fully believing him after hes been able to lie to me so easily for years. I haven’t truly felt beautiful since I discovered his lies and hidden life.
This is exactly where I am. I’m trying so hard to believe him but in light of what he did it is so hard.
If your husband died, does your beauty and worth die with him? No!!! Our beauty and worth, who we are is exclusive. It exists outside, beyond, and even in spite of our marriages. Your husband is NOT the sole definer of you. He has no power to define you, except the power you give him. Sure, he can say or do things that tend the garden or tear it down, but ultimately the garden of YOU is designed and defined by God and you.
Porn is like those fake flowers at Wal-Mart. From far away they look so bright, colorful, healthy, and vibrant. But ultimately they are fake a lifeless. They don’t offer food to bees and butterflies. They don’t change with the seasons, seeding for the next generation. They don’t grow and renew. They aren’t fragrant and sweet. They don’t nourish, blush, bloom, blossom, give oxygen. All they do is look perfect from afar for a while and pollute.
You are comparing your living garden to cheap, fake, Wal-Mart flowers. They win in your mind because you see their surface beauty and perfection, and it hurts that your husband chose fake over real. But please please stop hurting yourself.
Don’t compare yourself to pornography because there is no comparison. There is either truth or lies. You are truth. Pornography is lies.
Wonderfully put!
You are right about pornography being lies and the wife being the true beauty, but there is no doubt that when a husband has been searching on the Internet for hours for “the one” and she is nothing like the wife how can a woman feel like she has anything to offer the husband. I understand where you are coming from Kate but it sounds like you have no personal experience of this (apologies if so – perhaps you have never thought this way if you are so secure in Christ). I think the point is in our relationship with our husbands WE should be the ‘sought’, the ‘chosen’ and ‘desired’. Pornography use by a husband tells the wife your feminity and sexuality is not what I desire. These are things we express with our husband not in our relationship with God. God can tell us how amazing we are as a child of God but our husbands reflect our feminity and sexuality. Pornography rejects the wife and all she has to offer, whether it is your age, your sexual expression etc. Having a relationship with a man who’s “standards” ( and I use the term loosely because porn has no standards!!!) are left on a computer screen for you to see leaves you feeling old, fat, not firm etc…. No need to go on. I believe God can heal you of the hurt and tell you how much he loves you but how can you believe a man who had such a narrow search criteria on beauty. I am nearly 2 years post discovery and honestly this is the worst my body image has been! Please don’t just tell wives they need to find their worth in God. God wouldn’t have made us for relationships if we found no worth with another human being. Partners of sex addicts suffer terribly, some with PTSD (including me).
Not sure if I can post book links but to any partner suffering from their husbands sexual behaviour please read: Your sexually addicted spouse by Barbara Steffens and Marsha means (might have spelt them wrong) and Paula Hall’s new book. Both deal with how the partner feels. It is a typical reaction; I don’t think clinically recognised yet but a lot of partners suffer with PTSD. You are entitled to your feelings and then finding appropriate help (hopefully these 2 books might help you feel validated).
Sex addict: The partners perspective by Paula Hall (UK specialist)
*Sex addiction (typo)
I am totally with you women! My husband has lied several times about his pornography use. He insists its his right ( he believes soft porn is art) to look. He also would like me tobe more spontaneous. We have always had a fantastic sex life but I beleive now it was because he was primed with porn. it is extremely hard for me to feel ” more spontaneous ” let alone jump into bed with him at the drop of a hat. Do you have any suggestions for me? His porn use is not a deal breaker but I would be lying if I said it does not impact our marriage and sex life.
Hello Sheila and All
Challenging my husband about all this was the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life. I did not want to do this!!!!! But all I can tell you is that once I did, I mean really did, everything changed around here!
He got rid of the TV system, HE got rid of the DVDs (all of them now, said he is not watching any, and is glad not too). HE got Covenant Eyes Filtering and Accountability System installed on our computer. He does not even use the computer, just me, but he purchased it for me because I told him how protective their system is.
He now has the radio and that is it. This is his choice and all I can tell you is this is what he wants and there is no resentment at all about any of this. He says, he cannot believe that I ended up so poorly because he saw a load of ballony on TV. He is so very sorry! He cannot believe that I ended up in the mess I did. He had no idea that I was being affected like I was
When I challenged my husband, I was in a right mess……………. I was 182lb, looked ten years older than I am, and had all kinds of obsessive behaviors and other psychological problems
Fast forward six months. I now weigh 11
He told me he had no idea, whatsoever, that him watching all that nonsense on TV was causing me so much despair. He said had he have known he would have got rid of all of it years ago
Six months ago when I first spoke to my husband about my suffering, I weighed 182lb, looked 10 years older than I was, had really bad anxiety and obsessional behaviors, plus other psychological problems. The list goes on and on
Fast forward to now, six month later, I weigh 158lb, I now look ten years younger than my age, and I feel really good. I am still working on the obsessional stuff but I am getting there
What I am saying is that it is true that our self confidence and self value etc, should not lie in our husbands hands, we are meant to see ourselves as God sees us. But when all this nonsense is going on in our homes and we do not do anything about it, it festers like an open wound
On my journey, I discovered that the most likely reason all this was going on in our home was because of a brain injury my husband had several years ago. Nobody told me that brain the brain injury he has could lead to disinhibition. This is a condition where folk cannot judge these kinds of things appropriately
For twenty years my husband never watched any smut on TV, but then all of a sudden stopped switching it off. This is such a long story, and I know that to many it would seem obvious that if he had had a severe brain injury then I should have made the connection, but I did not. Instead, I thought that something was wrong with us as a couple and basically went down the deep suffering path that comes to us beautiful women when all this nonsense is brought into our marriages
Anyway, I don’t have time to warble on about all this right now. My point is that had I remained in the state I was and not challenged my husband and looked into all this. I would be one seriously poorly person now. I was already very seriously poorly
But I am not now. We, my husband and I, are becoming even closer than we were for those twenty years I have just mentioned. And honestly, at the outset, if anybody would have told me this could be possible, no way would I have believed them. That in my book was definitely and impossibility!!!!!
But facing all of this with prayer and Gods help. I have discovered so many things that I would definitely not have known about had I remained in that mess I was in.
Healing is a process. I for one could not get well without my husband changing his ways. And had he not started to do all these things he is now doing I would be still be ill or leaving him. And that too would have been devastating for me. And HIM!!!!
I had no idea at the start, that challenging him with all this would lead to the situation we have now. And there was no way for me to know that this journey would lead to me finding out illness on his part is a big player in this
I think every day, oh my goodness I could have gotten more ill or even left him and then found out many years later his brain hemhorhage was playing a role in this
I know other guys might not have this going on for them, but there is evidence that dopamine dysfunction can be part of all this nonsense, and many other things. If we don’t get on the path of at least trying to change things, they wont change. And recovery does involve learning about why this is happening, and what we can do about it. I believe we all need to be in touch with others that have already walked this path.
And one last thing, before I sign off. Me not doing what needed to be done, not challenging etc, I was allowing this nonsense into my home. I did think we had to have a TV. It did not enter my head once that we could get rid of it. But we have done, and frankly it is the best thing we have ever done. And my husband will tell you the same. He does not want that ballony in here either!!!!
Love and blessings to you all
Love Joanne
When a man looks at porn, there is no way he will not compare his wife to the images he is seeing. To say he is a visable creature who can’t control himself is garbage. It’s like watching what you eat every day so you don’t get cardiac disease. I would love to eat cheeseburgers everyday but I don’t because I know the consequences! Society places so much emphasis on females to be beautiful and sexy on the outside. I ,for one, can never be 100% intimate with my husband who insists on soft porn. I will always hold back and he will never get 100% of me. That is truly a shame! He could have anything he wants from me but there will always be a unspoken acknowledgement that he lusts after other women and he feels it’s his right to do so. How sad a life that is for me! And it’s his loss as well as mine. He will never know true intimacy with his wife. . I can deal with my sadness in other ways but the bottom line is that we both lose. Sad fact of society and its obsession with beauty and sexiness.
I’m so sorry! And I totally agree with you here: “And it’s his loss as well as mine. He will never know true intimacy with his wife.” Such a waste. What a waste! I only wish people could see…
Oh Tink, I do so hope I have not given the impression that I think they cant help it. I do know they can help it!!!!! And I do know it is wrong. My husband he also knows it is wrong, which is why he has stopped doing it
It is his therapist that has told me he has disinhibition, and they have told me many folk that have brain hemhorrages do this after the hemhorage. I only wish somebody had told me this when he had it! I developed an eating disorder, and many other problems when this all started up.
The other thing that also goes on for him is he has short term memory loss, another thing from his illness, and so his recollection of what has gone on is also blurred
All, I can tell you is his therapist has worked with him and explained the impact on me and this is why he has removed everything from the house. He is repentant of all of it and he really will not do this again, I am convinced of this.
I did not believe the therapist, at the start, I said this is an excuse! It was only when I researched inhibition following brain injury that I began to join the dots. He did not ever watch it for 20 years, and he was the main one in our home that was against it all back then, even more than me. He was very strict about it.
I think that when he had his brain hemhorrage somebody should have told me this can happen. If they had I would not have gone down hill like I did. I went really down hill, down to the point of despair and I now am having to have therapy for all my troubles
My husband was only watching films, not what folk call porn. But in my view the stuff in mainsteam films is porn now, and now that I and the therapist has pointed this out to him my husband is in agreement. He says it is porn
There are some vidoes on youtube that explain how dishibition can occur. The way they explain it is that filiters are damaged and removed. When this happens the advice is to point out what is going on until they see exactly what they are doing and how it affects others. It took some time but he really does see it and his attitude is back to that which it was before, but more so, this time because he just does not want any of it near him
As for other folk, I don’t know if they could have some of this going on or not. I know that because there is so much of this about today many people say they feel desensitized. And there is some evidence that children that have ADHD are more likely to get addicted to porn, than other folk, which is why I mentioned the dopamine dysfunction
I have spoken to a few recovering porn addicts and some say they are using medication or supplements to help them with their dopamine dysfunction
But, even with these problems these folk do not have an excuse. They should not be watching it in the first place. Which is why I mentioned me tolerating it. Me not doing anything about it, not stopping it, also contributed a little towards our mess. It has gone now and we are both doing well. I honestly do believe he sees it now and wont do it again. And it is now understanding the very severe damage this did to me that has made the difference
Hope this clarifies things better. Both my husband and I do not think these things can be used as an excuse, nobody should be watching this stuff, not even in mainstream films, it is all wrong
Love Joanne
Joanne,
I am so sorry for your husbands brain injury. That is a very serious injury! I did not mean to imply that you believe men can’t control themselves. Obviously each situation is different, you’re situation is complicated by an catastrophic injury. i wish you the best! In my situation, since he truly does not think there is anything unskillful about his activities, I have chosen to accept status quo. To get back to the post subject, there are certain activities husbands do which can truly erode their wives confidence, sexiness, and libido. You are absolutely right in your assertion that some of today’s movies are nothing but soft porn with a PG -13 or R rating. movies, magazines, billboards, it’s all about exploitation of women, and it’s no wonder men are constantly critical of their “real ” wives. It’s all very sad and uneccessary! We have to learn to love ourselves! It’s so therapeutic to have websites such as this where we can support each other! God Bless!
Tink
I could not get my husband to see what was going on, it was only when we sort councilling and several very wonderful men spoke to him that he started to think about what he was doing. Men listen to good men, but they dont always listen to their wives. He has started listening to me now, but it took the men to speak to him for him to start taking responsibility!
We are both in therapy. We see the therapist together one day a week and we both attend support groups now, usually about twice a week, There is so much to wor through
I mentioned my eating disorder and other psychological problems. These did not come about because of the brain hemhorrage, I could cope with that, these things came about because I felt so desperate and helpless about this stuff with the TV etc. This I could not handle and this is what sent me spiraling downwards. I started binge eating and I even new I was binge eating because of all the terrible negative feelings I was getting because of what he was doing. I was getting fatter and fatter, and was getting so very poorly because my eating was out of control. I fantasized about leaving him, finding somebody else, and a lot more. Just glad now I did not do those things, but remembering how bitter I was, and all the resentment and how all this affected our intimacy, etc, still brings a deep sad feeling in my chest. How this ever happened to us I dont know, But God is good and if we ask him earnestly to find us the help we need, he does, God loves good women!!!!
I want you to know I am praying for both you and your husband. He has answered my prayers, there is no reason why he will not answer yours. I have met many men and women on this journey and many of them are recovering and it is such a wonderful thing to witness. We need folk that know in our lives. For far far too long we had nobody
God bless you both
Love Joanne
To me, the problem seems less about porn and more about the man in this situation not having a filter. Most people see their partner’s flaws (ahem, back hair anyone?), but one should have the good sense not to say everything they are thinking.
My husband and I have been married only a year and our sex life and intimacy is non existent. We barely ever kiss, we never have foreplay, and in the last 6 months we’ve had sex 6 times. When we first got together we were so passionate about each other. I would get sweet texts and poems multiple times while at work. I don’t get any now at all. We go on dates weekly, we mainly just watch tv or run arrons together. He masturbates every day and leaves no attention for me. I’ve tried books, card games, dress up, many different things to spice up our love life. I’ve even tried just as normal ol me, still nothing. I feel like the only times he does want to have sex is petty sex. It takes over an hour, he’ll never let me face him during sex, no lights allowed, no noises or movements from me either or he’ll stop. We have two children and I’ve done everything possible to stay thin and attractive for him. He won’t ever talk about it because he gets so angry when I try to. His job is not stressful. Neither of us have friends outside of work, so we spend a lot of time together. We spoil each other every chance we can but there’s just no intimacy. I feel so alone. He does watch porn and has cheated a couple of times through out our relationship together. I’m to the point of thinking about having an affair just to have intimacy, but I love him too much to ever dare to act on those thoughts. He and our sons are my life, I would never jeopardize my family. Please help before our marriage is over.
Hi there–I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but what you’re describing is extremely TYPICAL for men who use porn a lot. Their sexual arousal and response becomes paired with porn rather than a person, and then they don’t get aroused with a person and have to objectify their sexual partner and fantasize in order even to “complete the deed”. So they tend to prefer masturbation, because porn trains us to be sexually selfish. I’d read this post on the effects of porn, and then this one on 4 things you must do if your husband uses porn. This WON’T get better until he stops, unfortunately.
I was in tears reading your comment. Please know that you are worth so much more than that. I know you said you love him, but he is not loving you. Whatever he buys you or says to you, he is not loving you. You and your kids deserve so much more out of life. Instead of an affair, maybe you should think about what a life without him might look like? What life with a man who likes the light on and wants to see your face and see you, forget a cheap affair. Think about a life with the real thing sister. Good luck and I’m praying for you. I’m so sorry for your heartbreak.
shelia you remind me so much of a young vicky lawrence! haha
I get told that a lot! 🙂