My heart hurts when I hear stories of what happens when women (or children or men, for that matter) are made powerless.
(I know on Mondays I publish Reader Questions, but I really wanted to write this post last night. The reader question will come on Thursday!)
I’m on a road trip this week speaking in Alberta and Manitoba, and one of the nice things for me about flying is that I finally get to read a novel. I don’t read many novels at home; when I start a book I can’t put it down until it’s done, and that doesn’t bode well for finishing up stuff. So I tend to reserve my reading for airline flights.
I cracked open Luther and Katharina, a historical novel about the romance between Martin Luther, the leader of the Reformation, and former nun Katharina von Bora.
It was riveting. Jody Hedlund made the characters come alive, and the magnitude of the issues that Luther was facing, and the weight that was on his shoulders, was immense.
But what really stayed with me was the story of Katharina’s experiences in the abbey.
In the Middle Ages it was common practice for noble families to “abandon” their daughters at convents when they were very young–5, 6, or 7. They’d give a large donation to the convent, and then the girl would be basically imprisoned there for the rest of her life. She couldn’t leave.
Daughters, you see, were expensive. They needed dowries. Much easier to give them over to the church and earn spiritual brownie points in the process.
So think of these poor little girls, torn from their families, sent to a convent from which they will never leave. Never the choice to marry. Never the choice to do anything.
But worst of all, what happens when a young woman with no outside protection lives in a place where unrelated men have full power? Priests and bishops would visit, and would often abuse the girls and the nuns. It was commonplace.
My heart is torn in two.
I can’t fathom such evil, and yet I know that this is the story of history. Whenever girls or women have no recourse and no power, sexual abuse runs rampant. But it’s true in other realms as well. When people live in abject poverty, they are often forced into virtual (or real) slavery, and beaten at will. The quest for freedom in Europe, and later in North America and throughout the world, was really a quest for justice–that the nobility and the clergy couldn’t beat, kill, rape, or steal from those in their power at will. That people could live in safety, and could have the assurance that if wrong was done to them, they had legal recourse.
And God’s heart is with the powerless. Just read the Old Testament prophets to see! The most common accusation he lays at the feet of those being judged is that they oppressed the poor and powerless. God doesn’t take this lightly, and He knows how rampant it is.
Whenever people have power without checks, then the powerless are abused.
It’s been said that power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely.
I agree with this to a certain extent. I think that there can be good and godly leaders who have major power. I believe that there were godly priests and bishops in the Middle Ages. I believe that there were even godly kings and queens, though they may have been few and far between.
But here’s the funny thing about power: those who have an urge to dominate and subjugate others will naturally gravitate to positions where they have power over others. Most people don’t actually enjoy controlling others. Those who do often deliberately aim for it. Did joining the SS in Nazi Germany make one evil, or did evil people gravitate towards the SS because of the power the SS provided? I’m inclined to think it’s a combination of both, but that the second is likely more important. Evil gravitates to opportunities to do evil.
On the other hand, where such opportunities are much harder to come by, those who may naturally be tempted to go in that direction may never even act on that temptation.That’s why good civil government, good church structure, and good family structure matters. When we set up these institutions so that leaders have checks, balances, and accountability, and those at the bottom of the totem pole have the ability to stop something bad from happening (or at least punishing it when it does happen), then far fewer people do bad things.
Unfortunately, though, power over others is intoxicating.
Look at all those who are flocking to ISIS largely because it promises to let them unleash brutality and crush people under their feet. While most rightly find this abhorrent, within humanity is the drive to hurt and dominate. We see it in Nigeria where Boko Haram kidnaps Christian girls. We see it in North Korea where the peasants starve on the whim of a megalomaniac leader. We saw it in Nazi Germany, in the slave trade, in the aboriginal schools in Canada where so many children were sexually abused. Where people have power over others, the powerless suffer immensely.
Having Power over Others Has No Place in the Kingdom of God
What scares me is that I have noticed lately that there are strands of Christianity, especially in North America, that seem to be trying to define faith in terms of “power”–that leaders (or shepherds) have power over sheep.
I believe that Matthew 20:25-28 contradicts this view:
Jesus called them together and said, “You know that the rulers of the Gentiles lord it over them, and their high officials exercise authority over them. Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave—just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”
Many churches now require membership covenants, where upon membership you agree to be under church discipline, even if that discipline is ill-defined. Some churches have made headlines by enforcing church discipline when women try to leave abusive husbands–or leave husbands who have been charged with viewing child porn. Other churches are set up so that the pastor can’t really be questioned or removed, and some high profile pastors have had to step down in scandal lately because of their domineering management style.
It should hardly be surprising that many leaders of Christian movements who operated in a domineering, centralized power structure have recently fallen due to sexual sin, like Bill Gothard, the now disgraced leader of a major homeschooling movement. When you set up an organization with one person at the head who cannot be questioned, is it any surprise if that person ends up abusing others?
Christianity is about servanthood. It is not about power.
I loved this tweet I saw this week:
Us: Jesus says to be LEADERS!
Jesus: I said “servant”.
Us: OK, then Jesus says to be SERVANT-LEADERS!
Jesus: I said “servant”.
Us: Rats
— Brant Hansen (@branthansen) April 13, 2016
When Christian leaders attempt to consolidate power, and then say that if people oppose them they are opposing God, that is a major red flag. Christian organizations must get away from a power structure which cannot be questioned and instead move to a model of authority with accountability where servanthood is the aim, not power.
But it doesn’t end there.
What does this have to do with marriage?
Christians differ on the issue of authority in marriage. Some say that God has given the husband authority over the wife, while others say that God has called both men and women to serve each other and work to each other’s best.
I hope that we can all agree, though, that power has no place in marriage.
Power always leads to abuse. Always. When we give people power over another person while denying that person the ability or opportunity to get help or to get justice, then we open the doors for abuses of that power.
I spoke last Saturday at a one-day marriage conference with my husband and with speaker Gary Thomas. During the Q&A panel, we were asked if it is okay for an abused woman to divorce her husband, or if that is breaking a covenant.
I replied that if a woman is abused, the husband has already broken the covenant. She is not the one doing so by leaving. Gary agreed with me.
Later on a woman came up to me with tears in her eyes and thanked me for saying that. She had left an abusive marriage a decade earlier, and was now seeing a wonderful man who wanted to marry her. But she couldn’t stop the thought that she would be wrong to do so, since she was likely wrong to divorce her ex-husband. She had gone to seek marriage counseling with her mother when the abuse was at its worst, and the female counselor had told her to figure out what she was doing to provoke him, and then to stop doing that, because God took marriage vows seriously. Her mother stood up, told the counselor that they would no longer be needing her services, and dragged her daughter out of there.
I thought we had won this battle years ago, but we haven’t.
Women are still being told that they must submit to abuse, or, like Debi Pearl says, try not to provoke an angry husband, as if the abuse is her fault.
But even if a church doesn’t condone abuse, when a church says that a woman must obey her husband and must never question him, then that church is putting the husband in a place that only Jesus should have. We must all submit to Jesus’ authority, and that means that none of us should ever impose our will on another, especially another who has no way of getting justice should injustice be done.
Please, if you’re in a denomination that tells you that women must blindly follow their husbands without speaking up, remember: this may work for your marriage. You may be married to a good man. But what if your sister is not? What if your daughter marries someone who is harsh? What of the other women in your church? Let’s be clear: Power has no place in a Jesus-following church or in a Jesus-centered marriage. Power says, “my will be done”, not “Thy will be done”. And whenever we follow human’s will rather than God’s will, injustice ensues.
If a leader can’t ever be questioned, he’s not a leader. He’s a bully who just happens to have a job. @edstetzer
— Burk Parsons (@BurkParsons) April 17, 2016
For the sake of the Chibok girls in Nigeria; for the memories of raped slaves in the South; for the girls who are sold on the streets in Cambodia; for the children who were raped by priests; for the young girls who were assaulted by homeschooling idols; for the girls who are married off in polygamous cults; for the young boys who are used as slaves in India; for the young women who are kept as sex slaves in the Middle East; for the beaten women and children in the West who were told to “submit”; for the memories of the women who were raped in Nanking or used as prostitutes by the Nazi army–please. Please.
Let’s not create the conditions for any of this to happen again, especially in the name of Jesus.
We have the authority, as part of the priesthood of believers, to say no. Use that authority. Stop the power abuses. No more.
In my newest book, 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, I talk about how an unhealthy view of submission can lead to this kind of power imbalance. If you have always been taught that submission means that husbands have power, THERE IS A BETTER, more godly way of seeing those verses. Please read it. I think it will help you develop a Jesus-centered view of how we should relate to each other in servanthood and love.
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 29 years and happily married for 24! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 7 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Wow! I agree with every single word in this post. Only Jesus has absolute power, and only God is truly ruler – who always, always rules in love, and peace, and patience and kindness, and justice. But never violence or revenge or abuse. So, how can we give man – any man – the right to rule us like that if even God won’t do that? Want to lead – lead as God would lead. Want to have power – have power as Jesus did.
Such a profound article. Thank you.
So glad you liked it! Thank you.
Sheila,
Just this past week, I went to visit my 75 year old grandmother. I had noticed she had been dropping hints of the things her new husband of 2 years had been saying and doing. Cussing her out, accusing her of cheating with any man she came in contact with (church, store, phone calls with salesmen, etc)…things like that. Anyway…long story short…he got very ugly with me and my young sister – calling us fat, telling us we did not belong there to visit. I saw HUGE warning signs that this man was determined to run off anyone my grandma loves because he sees them as a threat to his control of her. She also shared with me that he had grabbed her two different times and bruised her arms.
We went into town the next morning and he told her he wanted us to leave. She told him no and he started accusing her of cheating again and said he was going to kill her and then himself. She called the police and called me crying. We had him thrown in jail and will be prosecuting him. She was a MESS! It has been quite a week and hard to believe this still happens! He is 83!! And no, he is not losing his mind. He is very sharp and we just were told he was verbally abusive to his first wife (wish they would have told my grandmother that!!).
Great article…again. I will be sharing this with my Grandma who is struggling.
Oh, wow, Alicia! How awful! But how WONDERFUL that God put you there for your grandma at just the right time!
To go through that at 75. Man. That’s terrible. I pray for peace and healing for her (and for lowered blood pressure for you! What a weekend!)
Hope this man sees a physician in the process. Dementia, strokes, as well as communicable diseases can also cause this kind of crazy behavior in the elderly, especially if never exhibited before. Have to look objectively and with grace at them both, now that mom is safe. What a harrowing situation…
@Michael Edwards: She specifically says he hasn’t had health issues and they later discovered it was a pattern in his previous relationships. Yes, health can cause changes in behavior, but abuse is abuse. Let’s not minimize it in any way.
Women are free to make choices. We live in a day and age with lots of resources. My mom was a woman that was abused for years and when she finally got tired of the abuse she left with four kids in tow. Back then there were no resources at all for women. I believe there are more men that are abused than women now a days. We just don’t hear about it as much. It is more shaming if a man goes to the police and tells an officer that his wife is hitting him or abusing him verbally. I see that a lot more than the opposite. I am saddened that you would be so primitive (outdated) in your statements and not be well-rounded.
Ruth, I hear what you’re saying, but here’s the issue to me: I totally believe abuse against men happens, and I tried to give some examples of it in the post. The difference is that there is a scriptural interpretation of marriage which tells WOMEN that they must submit to abuse, and which tells WOMEN that they are often the cause of abuse (by provoking him). There isn’t the same thing on the other side.
I absolutely agree that it is difficult for men to come forward, but the difference would be that this is a CULTURAL problem, and not a POWER problem. What I was trying to address was the power problem which gives women and children no options if they are going to continue in the church.
I would like to address the cultural shame that comes with a man enduring abuse, and I likely will do so in another blog post soon. It’s just that the dynamics are different, and that’s what I was trying to say!
Exactly. Not to mention that women are often quite literally physically powerless to defend themselves/escape since, in most cases, they are not as physically powerful as men. Can men be raped, molested, punched, slapped? Absolutely. But they are not usually the physically weaker/smaller party. And I say this as a very German, muscular woman! 🙂
I get what you’re saying about verses on female submission being used to subjugate abused women.
But there is something comparable going on with abused men: the interpretation that men may not divorce their wives for any reason other than adultery.
My brother suffered 12 years of abusive marriage. Verbal abuse, sexual deprivation, and physical abuse. She even stabbed him once! He felt he could not divorce her because the Bible was strictly interpreted by him and his church to mean that he could not divorce her unless she slept with someone else, or declared herself no longer a Christian and left voluntarily.
This is the same teaching that keeps women trapped in abusive marriages. Yes, women are told, wrongly, that they should “submit to your husband as unto the Lord” in situations where they should be told “the Lord wants to deliver you, please let us help.”
Christian men suffering spousal abuse are told “pray that you will become a better servant to her so that she will be won to submission through your example.”
Thankfully, my brother is now free of his wretched ex (caught her cheating). To add insult to injury, when he finally began divorce proceedings, his pastor’s wife and others at his church urged him against it, insisting he should forgive her and stay married, that God would heal their marriage if he would just give it another chance. (She had been cheating with multiple men for at least three years before he caught her.)
I think there is a power imbalance in a society where men are shamed for speaking vulgarly about women even in private, while women are encouraged to gather by thousands to march in public speaking vulgarly about themselves AND men; where abuse of women is widely decried and the numbers inflated with false accusations people rush to believe, while abuse of men by women is treated as a joke at which everyone may laugh; where men are shamed as insufficiently masculine for not being able to stop a violent attack by a woman without hitting her, but risk being jailed if they do, no matter what the reason. And yes, in any church which does not encourage abuse victims, regardless of gender, to see abuse itself as a breaking of the marriage covenant, urge those people to safety, and support them in their decision to seek safety and sanity for themselves and their children.
And I believe Ruth is right: I believe physical and emotional abuse by women against men actually happens a lot more than male-on-female abuse. One favorite tactic of female abusers is using the machinery of law enforcement and the courts as a proxy arm, through false reports of domestic violence, sexual assault, and especially child molestation. It literally happens All. The. Time. The by-gender arrest and conviction rates are skewed by these false reports, as well as by the reluctance of men to report, which makes the number of female arrests and convictions far lower than it should be.
Ooooooooo here comes the can of worms…*rubs hands together and cackles in glee*…I like when cans of worms get opened. It’s fun.
I have a dear friend who is in a very difficult situation in her marriage (to respect and protect her privacy I am not going to go into detail). She and I had a long conversation recently in which she really opened up and shared what was going on behind the scenes, stuff she doesn’t share on Facebook. I was SHOCKED at some of the counsel she has received. She has been made to believe that everything comes back around to being her responsibility, and that any problems she is having are a direct result of how she has not “submitted” to her husband. That is a load of CRAP. And it is an absolute shame that this mentality still exists in the western world in the twenty-first century. Unfortunately it is still rampant, especially among the older generation. And it is doing things like sending women back into abusive situations, heaping guilt and shame upon them for the actions of their husbands, and absolving the husbands of any personal responsibility. It. Is. WRONG.
I never used to think like that. But a few years ago I began to feel very conflicted. I am married to a good, kindhearted man. He has never abused any power over me. I just began to have this nagging feeling that something wasn’t right about this whole thing. It just didn’t make logical sense. This is my basic line of reasoning and a paraphrase of the conversation I had with my husband:
Me: “Question: Are we or are we not BOTH made in the image of God?”
Husband: “Yes, we are.”
Me: “Okay. But, I am made LESS in the image of God than you are because I am a female?”
Husband: “Wait, no, you’re not, but…”
Me: “No buts. Either we are both made in the image of God or we are not. Now, if the Bible says we are both made in the image of God, why then would God made females less than males? Does that sound like something consistent with His character?”
Husband:…silence…
Me: “I’m not out to usurp anyone’s authority or beat men down. I’m just saying, something here is not adding up. And I’m not okay with it any more.”
Husband: “But this would mean that all of these teachers and authors we respect so much would be wrong about this.”
Me: “It wouldn’t be the first time, and it won’t be the last. We are human, and we make mistakes. When we start thinking we have everything figured out and we don’t need to change our minds about anything, we stop growing.”
I could go on and on and on for hours about this. My point is, heaping responsibility upon a woman’s head for her husband’s choices and/or sending her back into an abusive situation using the Scriptures is WRONG and I fully believe it breaks God’s heart and makes Him furious. This “avoid divorce or separation at all costs” mentality is damaging. Do I like divorce? Nope. Do I like separation? Nope. Does God? Nope. But guess what? We live in an imperfect world and IT HAPPENS. Sometimes for the health and safety of the parties involved it is NECESSARY.
As for my friend, she reached the conclusion that she and her husband needed to seek out a different counselor and a new course of action. The last time we talked, she said this is still the hardest thing she has ever gone through but she and her husband both feel the path they are on now is the right one. And she is doing some much-needed healing from the guilt that has unjustly been heaped upon her. (*Again, I am leaving out details and being vague on purpose out of respect for their privacy – I respectfully ask that anyone replying to this comment recognize that and not make any assumptions*.)
Okay, I’m going to get down off my soapbox now.
I don’t just open cans of worms. I jump into them and swim around. 😉
Love you, Melissa! 🙂 and love this:
Yep. A thousand times yep.
I’m so sorry for your friend. I pray that she’ll have the strength to go through this and follow the Holy Spirit’s voice. So hard.
Thank you, Sheila. She and her husband do love each other very much and they both want to deal with this issue they have and rebuild their life together, there is just some very hard stuff to go through first. I wish I could share more to give more context, but it’s her story to tell, not mine.
‘Husband: “But this would mean that all of these teachers and authors we respect so much would be wrong about this.”
Me: “It wouldn’t be the first time, and it won’t be the last. We are human, and we make mistakes. When we start thinking we have everything figured out and we don’t need to change our minds about anything, we stop growing.”’
It is possible that all of those teachers and authors were wrong. However, as you said, “We are human, and we make mistakes.”. Logically, that allows the distinct possibility that you (and your husband) could be wrong in your understanding, and that the others really are correct. Perhaps Satan is tempting you to sin, but you don’t realize it. If so, it would be very easy to feel conflicted about the topic.
If you believe the Bible is God’s word, then it is difficult to deny a hierarchical structure in Christian marriage when there are multiple passages where wives are told to submit to their husbands (and the husbands are told to love their wives and treat them well).
But there are also Bible passages where wives are commended for NOT submitting to a husband’s authority. So just please realize that our ultimate authority is always God. If women are never to submit to sin, then women are ALSO called to use their brains and to be discerning, and sometimes I fear that in stressing a hierarchical version of marriage we are also seeming to say, “husbands think; women must react.” That’s simply not biblical. And by stressing so much that the man must be in charge, we inadvertently create the very systems that lead to abuse.
It’s interesting that whenever anyone asked Jesus who should be in charge, He responded that we’ve got it all wrong. It’s about serving.
And that’s what marriage is, too: It’s about serving each other. Let’s excel in serving. Let’s spur each other on to love and good deeds. Let’s study each other and see what God is doing in each other’s life and join in! Let’s think of each other’s needs before we think of our own. Let’s love each other. That’s what Jesus stressed, and I worry that too often the church stresses instead “someone needs to be in charge.” Jesus stresses servanthood; we stress power. Maybe we have the emphasis in the wrong place.
I am in full agreement that a man should not have power over women / his wife. I see my role as a protector and desire to see my wife flourish as she wants. i don’t want you to think I’m one of those guys that rule with an iron fist. I strive to be biblical in my life and relationships. My question is you state that the Bible commends women for sir submitting to their husband. Can you give me an example because I don’t see any?
Hi Richard, I’d love to answer your question, but I don’t honestly know what you’re asking. I think there was an autocorrect/typo thing there? If you want to task it again I’ll try!
I think you were asking about an example where a wife was commended fofor not submitting and my mind immediately goes to Abigail when she gave provisions to David against her husband’s decree. She was blessed and eventually became David’s wife.
Submission in marriage is mutual, and is intended to glorify Christ’s relationship with the Church. Christ had immense physical power, but only used it to demonstrate His Father’s glory. ANY other use of power just doesn’t glorify Christ…and has no place in a marriage of believers.
Great thoughts here, Shelia.
Thanks, Michael!
Sheila,
Thank you for taking the time and having the courage to write such a post. People need to hear that they do not have to subject themselves to a lifetime of abuse in the name of righteousness.
I am concerned about the choice of words used though. Let’s be careful not to demonize the idea of power, but more accurately, the abuse of power. Leaders, in any position or organization, must have power (or command authority) in order to guide their subordinates. A Shepherd without command authority is simply another sheep in the flock.
I believe that the best example of power being used for righteousness is in Joshua’s admonition to the Israelites: “as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord”. Without power (or command authority), he would have only been able to state his own choice, leaving his family vulnerable to the same influences that were misleading the other Israelites.
I hope that this reply does not offend anyone or cause hardship. As a husband and military officer, I must have power (authority) to make sure my subordinates are taken care of. One day, I will have to answer to the Lord for how I treated them.
Thanks!
Hi John, great points, and I wish I had had time to elaborate, but I was already over 2000 words!
I think there is an immense difference between power and authority. Power is the ability to force someone to do your will; authority is the ability to persuade someone to do your will through moral force. They are really two different things.
While we need authority, we do not need power. Does that make sense? Jesus stripped Himself of His power and used only His authority on earth, and that made all the difference. People with true power rarely have authority, because once they start forcing, they lose the moral force.
Hope that makes sense!
Thanks
With regards to the power/authority distinction, what does authority look like in a marriage between a husband and wife?
Shepherds don’t lead by command.
This is one of the best articles I’ve ever read in my life!
I grew up in a very religious church and i witnessed women who seemed to never have a voice and heard whispers of “I heard her husband doesn’t treat her right” But never seen help being offered. I was a kid then, but I’ve always known something wasn’t right. And i realize now that it all trickled down from the church’s “Leadership” which was a man who was always held in high regard and was never questioned or had any accountability. So when marriage was brought up it was always about wives obeying their husbands.
Thanks for that encouragement, Kimbre. Lack of accountability is just so dangerous. And the men who hold those positions of power usually frame any attempt to hold them accountable as “fighting against God” or as spiritual warfare. It really is scary, and it needs to stop. But it will only stop when the people under that power say, “no more”.
My dad was domineering and abusive, and my mom submitted to it like it was ok. Even though he treated me the same (except I got some physical abuse and I never saw him raise a hand to Mom), it would infuriate me the way he would talk to her as if she was less than. He was a deacon, and we belonged to a sect of Baptists (Landmarkists) that think Southern Baptists are too liberal. While I didn’t marry an abusive man like my dad, I married an addict/alcoholic and carried that submissiveness that was quite literally beat into me as a child into my marriage. Which doesn’t absolve me of my choices. I’ve had to take an honest look at my resentments and see where I made choices when I had the “way out.” But when I was a child, I had no one to go to because I was raised to believe the man is the “head of the household.” His word is “gospel.” It still infuriates me even though I know my dad was abusive because he was abused. As I came to conclude in therapy, it’s the system that infuriates me because it takes the broken relationship of husbands and wives due to the fall and repackages it falsely as “God’s original design.”
Thank you, Sheila, for speaking out about this!
I think the cycle of abuse–your dad abused because he was abused–is just so sad. If we can set up churches and families so that abuse is less likely, we don’t just save one generation. We save so many! I wish more people “in power” could see this.
Thanks so much for your encouragement!
I come from a family with a tradition of abuse, and many siblings with each generation, and it is always fascinating , sometimes encouraging, sometimes tragic, to see what these many aunts, uncles, brothers, and sisters take with them when they grow up.
People like my sisters, aunts, and some uncles struggle to see any worth in themselves and fall easy prey to new abusers. Others like my biological father learned early on to “play the game” and manipulate to avoid the worst of the abuse, then grow up completely subscribed to these abusive philosophies. I got a knee-jerk reaction to fight back that would get me and my loved ones in trouble. I still get road rage if I’m not careful. I had a few uncles who learned very early on their own to be protectors and caregivers for their little brothers and sisters, and grew to cherish their wives and children, but than addictions caught up with them. My grandpa ran away from a toxic home and got to see the world, but had never learned how to really connect to his kids.
Surviving abuse of any kind presents a very unique opportunity to get to know and understand yourself. This is because failure to do so will ruin your life and damage those around you. Now is not too late
Such an insightful comment, Jo! I think you’re right–when we come from difficult upbringings we face two choices: either analyze it, go to God with it, and get healing from it and choose to go in a different direction, or refuse to deal with it and then restart the cycle. That’s why sometimes those from the most difficult upbringings end up having the most insight into themselves. They’ve had to!
As a child I was placed into a private christian group home because my biological mother was unable to provide and care for me. I had been subjected to severe neglect, physical, mental and sexual abuse. My grandmother at the time believed that this christian group home was the answer to providing me w/ counseling and the loving, nurturing environment I needed. Sadly, the institution I entered into was ran by a husband and wife that was addicted to ruling over us. Rather than entering an environment that fostered healing, nurturing, and taught me who I was in Christ and built me up, I was daily torn down and told who I wasn’t and would never be. I would be reminded over and over again of the wild child I was before I got there. (Well, I was left to raise myself, I needed to be loved and shown that I was a child and given the opportunity to be a child) Legalism was held over me, expectations were placed before me w/out equipping me to meet them… I could never be good enough. I was told I was troubled, worthless, I was bad, I would never amount to anything. Barked at, managed, ruled over, rarely did they come alongside me and offer a hug and nurturing direction or teaching. I was constantly being punished, constantly failing, I stayed depressed and overwhelmed, my self esteem so poor. I lacked confidence in anything, I was never sure of any decision because “who was I”, according to them, I should be grateful that I even got to be there because the streets is where I would be if it weren’t for them. Never once was I told how much Christ loved me, it was you better ask God to save you because you are wicked and evil and you are going to hell… which yes, is one way to bring someone to the cross but, there is also other ways especially for abused children desperate to be LOVED. ( I was a child of God long before I ever entered that home due to a grandmother that had me in church every time the doors were open, however, I was raised in a hellfire and brimstone church so I don’t recall ever hearing who I was in Christ until much later in life.)
The group home was on a farm and hard labor was the most chosen method of punishment. It was nothing for me to be given the punishment of mucking all the stalls in the barn, feed and watering the horses after school – by myself. Once, because I had gotten sick at school but, the house father thought I was faking I was given the chore of digging my own grave back behind the barn in a wooded paddock area. He marked out the 6 foot grave and gave me a shovel and told me to start digging. I begged and pleaded for him to believe me that I was truly sick. Instead in the cold, fall rain I stood and dug that hole and two days later burning w/ fever I was finally taken to the doctor and I had strep. This was a common occurrence for me being punished for getting sick. (A constantly abused and traumatized is going to get sick, frequently.) At one point I was forced to sing in a children’s choir that traveled the state singing at churches and other similar groups as a fundraising ministry for the group home. Over and over again I would hear the director of the group home tell the congregation of the home’s mission and the story of the boy who came across long beach strand filled w/ stranded starfish and one by one he began tossing them back into the ocean when along came a stranger and said you can’t possibly save all of those starfish and the boy says well no, but, I can save this one… From there he would lead into how the home was saving the lives of children and I wanted to scream and say NO! NO they aren’t!!! They are doing anything but, saving me!! Help me! Somebody… But, I dare not say a thing because who was going to believe the girl that was “bad”, “troubled”, “damaged”… I was told repeatedly no one would believe me, this was my lot in life and I had better just succumb to it and I did. Every once and while I would get brave and stand up to them and they would pull out my case file and listing off my past and remind me I was nobody and remember, no one is going to believe you. Its us vs. you.
Thankfully, I graduated out of school and out of the home and began a long journey of healing. It wasn’t pretty. When you’re that broken, you don’t exactly make good choices. I flunked out of college, married the first boy that gave me attention and was so angry with God. I would fight with God for quite a while and then one day, I finally gave in and asked Him to take it all and restore me and I’m still on that journey. God brought me my redeemer kinsman and two beautiful children. I look at my children now and it’s such a privilege and honor to tell them who they are in Christ, to tell them how loved and chosen they are, to protect them. It’s my job to show them how to care for themselves, do things with them, equip them, work through emotions and situations. To pray with them, hear their concerns and together lift those prayers up before the Father is a gift. To tell them they are amazing, beautiful creatures and they are capable of great things and stand alongside them and support them is a conviction because of God’s love for me. I’m by far not perfect in doing so but, it’s because of God’s amazing love, grace and mercy that I fight daily to keep my past in the past and live today redeemed able to love. I often tell my husband that I wished I had moved far, far away from where I was held prisoner for six years of my life but, I’m trusting that there is a reason I’m here and God is working this for His glory.
There is an epidemic of people who believe that God has given them a christian duty to rule over others and set them on the path of the straight and narrow and christian servants don’t know where to begin to hold them accountable or stop them… There is such a lack of accountability and people willing to seek justice on behalf of those being abused. Even I have not sought justice against the home I was in, when legally… I was abused day in and day out. Abuse is abuse no matter if the person is God fearing or not. It’s illegal and it’s still going strong.
Heidi, thank you so much for sharing your story. That story about the grave–how AWFUL! I can just picture Jesus sitting in that grave as you were digging it, weeping over you. And He chased you until you found Him, and that is a beautiful story indeed! May people wake up to what they are doing when they enforce harsh legalism and obedience on others.
So true. We need to get away from that philosophy that a victim is in control of the abuse! I thought we had gotten away from that too. I guess not.
Such a thoughtful article, thank you.
The PCA is set up so that the pastor is just one of the ruling elders. Any of the elders can call him out. So can the congregation. Then the presbytery is composed of the region’s churches and they send the pastors and another ruling elder there. Then there is a session, that’s a combination of presbyteries. There are procedures where the congregation can bring grievances to the presbytery or even the session if it can’t be sorted out in the congregation.
Yes, our vows when we join the church include submitting to the discipline of the church. But I know all the elders and the pastors. I can’t imagine them ever abusing the system. And even if they did, there is a system where such things can be addressed. This just seems like common sense. Which is one of the reasons I joined the PCA.
So how are other churches organized?
Yes, that does sound like common sense! Many churches are set up so that the elders can’t actually fire the pastor, or that the pastor chooses the elders and the congregation doesn’t vote. And there’s a lot of other strange things going on. We really do need checks and balances, and when churches are set up that way, where the membership can remove a dysfunctional elder’s board or can discipline a pastor, all is well. But too often some churches become “cults of personalities” where you can’t question the pastor, and that’s just plain scary to me.
I am in the OPC. The problem I have with this is that when presbytery comes together, whether just within that congregation or when the entire area comes together,
there are ZERO women present, because women aren’t allowed to be elders. My husband pointed out that there were two elder’s wives present at the last area presbytery meeting, as if that was impressive. I asked them if they would be allowed to say something if they wanted to. “Well… No, probably not.” This structure may be designed to prevent abuse, but it still gives women no voice and no recourse.
Presbytery in my area ends up being a meeting of bunch of middle aged white men. They have one token black pastor. I don’t believe this is how an entire denomination should function at all.
Sheila,
Thank you so much for sharing your heart on this issue! It is sad when an abused woman suffers a second round of abuse by being beaten over the head with the bible due to the inaccurate translation of the Word! I am so grateful for this blog every week!
Well said
I agree 100%!!!! This message needs to get out there. Another important point is that there is no hierarchy in the Trinity. Sometimes that is used to make the point that there must be hierarchy in marriage. I’ve read so many times that you can’t have a functioning marriage without hierarchy. I’ve been married almost twenty years, five children, and we are partners. Neither one of us had authority over the other. Inaction until unity. No one holds a “trump card.” Sometimes I care more about a choice than he does. Sometimes he’s done more research than I have. We listen, pray, and decide.
Yes, indeed. The “Eternal Subordination of the Son” that some preach in order to justify the female always being under the male really is false doctrine.
Thank you for this article, I have been in an emotionally destructive marriage for 40 years. I am prepared to leave and stop the abuse by simply not being available for it. It was freeing to read that he had already broken the covenant by being abusive , he knows he is and says he’s sorry, but never changes.I get preached at by my husband that what has gone on for 40 years has been Gods will for my life, he admits he’s wrong but insist I do right by staying with him.
Get OUT Peggy! That’s not God’s will for you.
Peggy your story sounds like my mom’s. She’s been in one for 24 year’s. It’s taken her till the last year to not feel guilty about leaving and getting a divorce. She had a wise couple say almost the same thing in regards to my dad having broke the covenant and it not being a real marriage. He was the mediator between God and my mom in his eyes. She could not grow spiritually except through him. My siblings and I have had to deal with that mentality too. With my mom having degrading thing’s said about her to us children by dad. I married and awesome guy who had step mom who is a lot like my dad. Praise God his dad had a healthy view of women and has respect for them. It’s foreign to me to have a husband who cares about me. And not just someone who wants control.
I flat out know women who have left the Church and God because their abuse was glossed over or rationalized. I believe those who have encouraged this abuse of power will be surprised when God calls them to account for their role in allowing harm to hearts, bodies, and souls. It must stop. Thank you for speaking up.
I agree!
I only wish words could accurately describe how much I agree with and appreciate this post. It is a message suppressed by conservative Christians time and again, and I love that you’ve used your voice to speak truth.
Once again, I thank you for the message you bring to the world.
You are so right–churches aren’t addressing it, and women are left on their own feeling ashamed and fearful that leaving/divorcing would be sinful and unpardonable.
Thank you, thank you, thank you for this, Sheila! My mother has been in a spiritually, psychologically, and emotionally abusive marriage for almost 28 years. My dad uses the Bible all the time to justify the abuse. So glad you are speaking up!
Hi I just came across this passage in my reading and I thought how beautifully it illustrates God’s heart about marriage:
“13 And this second thing you do. You cover the Lord’s altar with tears, with weeping and groaning because he no longer regards the offering or accepts it with favor from your hand. 14 But you say, “Why does he not?” Because the Lord was witness between you and the wife of your youth, to whom you have been faithless, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant. 15 Did he not make them one, with a portion of the Spirit in their union? And what was the one God seeking? Godly offspring. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and let none of you be faithless to the wife of your youth. 16 “For the man who does not love his wife but divorces her, says the Lord, the God of Israel, covers his garment with violence, says the Lord of hosts. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and do not be faithless.”
Malachi 2: 13-16
I don’t remember hearing this quoted with the regular marriage verses. But first of all I loved that the wife is called companion here! Not the “you must shut up and submit helpmeet” And that it explicitly says that God gave a portion of His spirit to the couple when they made the marriage covenant! Anyways it also starts out with this being one of the reasons that God doesn’t hear their prayers anymore… Which reminds me of this:
“Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.” (1.peter 3:7)
Again, no trace of permission to put the woman down. So I wonder in those churches were women are overpowered and abused by the men in the name of God, how does the rest of their spiritual life look like? This is serious business to God, if the way the men honor their marriage covenant can hinder their prayers.
Great question–what does their spiritual life look like indeed? Great passage! Thanks for sharing.
Here’s another one.
http://www.christianitytoday.com/gleanings/2016/april/darrin-patrick-removed-acts-29-megachurch-journey.html?utm_source=connection-html&utm_medium=Newsletter&utm_term=4616180&utm_content=431320501&utm_campaign=email
I know! I saw that earlier this week, too. Pastors of very hierarchical, authoritarian churches and church movements are falling everywhere. So many high profile ones lately. I think God is shaking the foundations.
Sheila,
I believe this is the best article you’ve ever written. Thank you! As a woman who was raised in a cultish sect of Christianity that claimed to be God’s exclusive favored people, and its elders God’s only spokesmen, I can personally testify to the terrible damage done to the helpless children of its members. Although physical abuse was never condoned, the attitude that women had no voice tacitly condones almost any kind of conditions that a man wants to impose on his wife and family, Women are taught that if they resist they are displeasing to God. I didn’t really find myself or my own voice until I left that religion in my late 30s–a tragic waste of time.
Your article is especially timely, not only as a warning to the religious is America, but also because one of the headlines in today’s news is that ISIS just executed 250 women for refusing to arranged “marriages” with ISIS soldiers, who rape and pillage in the name of religion. WHEN will we wake UP??? When also, will we do something as a nation to help our sisters abroad?
Thank you again for the excellent article. Keep shining a light on these issues!
Oh, thank you so much, Elizabeth! The ISIS situation is just so incredibly heartbreaking. I only rejoice that we know that there will be justice one day, but in the meantime, our hearts bleed for those who are living (and dying) in such terror. And I’m so glad that you got out of the sect that you were in. This is so true of so many situations: “Although physical abuse was never condoned, the attitude that women had no voice tacitly condones almost any kind of conditions that a man wants to impose on his wife and family.” Yep. And it has to stop.
Thank you, Sheila. This is indeed what we all need to hear! And thank you to those who responded.
My father was domineering and emotionally abusive to my mother. Again, as so many, he had experienced demeaning abuse himself, that came down through generations. My mother hung on. I was about 12 or 13 when I asked her why she stayed with my dad. She said he was a good man. And he was in many ways. However, we saw our mother experience guilt over her resentment. She was taught to be submissive and thought that she was rebellious as a wife! We wonder if her dementia has been somehow precipitated by the stress of her life. How sad.
One other thought: as a child I experienced and witnessed women who chose to wield power and saw them destroy the faith opportunity in children as they attacked the childishness and vulnerability of children . God help us all!
GREAT article, Sheila! I’m so glad you address this on your blog periodically. It is such a comfort to many women who have been forced to swim in a sea of lies at home AND in their religious communities. ((Hugs!))
I wonder if the reason for this abuse is, at least partially, because we have given absolute power to something we shouldn’t. The Bible. Many Christian circles believe God gives us imperfect tools to lead us to his perfect self, except for the Bible. It must be perfect. Yet we read “Wives, submit to your husband in everything” and “it is shameful for a woman to speak in church” and “Men are the glory of God while women are the glory of men”. These beliefs were the norm in the culture they were written in. Why couldn’t the writers and characters of the Bible be influenced by culture just like we are? Why couldn’t the writers of the Bible allow their sin to influence their teaching and writing but God still shines through? Sin influences every christian pastor and teacher, but God still shines through in huge ways. If you take the Bible at face value, I do not see how you can’t think women shouldn’t be totally subjected to men. I know Paul breaks ground in many big ways which shows God was at work. But those verses where he gives women more freedom do not take away from what Paul clearly says in other places. He was a sinful man with limited vision just like every one of us. And those verses above aren’t the only ones where we use vague reasoning to say the author didn’t really say what he actually said.
Caleb,
“These beliefs were the norm in the culture they were written in. Why couldn’t the writers and characters of the Bible be influenced by culture just like we are? Why couldn’t the writers of the Bible allow their sin to influence their teaching and writing but God still shines through?”
If the writers of the Bible allowed their sinful nature and cultural influences to alter their writing to be other than God’s true will, then all of the Bible becomes subject to potential criticism of its truth and accuracy. And the critics will be sinful people subject to the influences of their culture and experience. That is not likely to result in a consistent understanding of God and His will for us?
If, on the other hand, we accept that the Bible is the word of God, written by men divinely inspired by God, then we a book that provides a solid foundation for life. That is what I would expect if God is unchanging, as is described in Hebrews 13:8 (NASB). “Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.”
Yes–but the writers of the Bible obviously let the culture influence what they said, for Paul seemed to be condoning slavery. Just because the writers of the Bible talked about slavery doesn’t mean they condoned it; it was part of the culture at the time, and Paul was teaching us how to act in that culture. God is the same; culture is not. Christians allowed slavery for far too many years, much to our shame. I think it’s okay to say that the Bible writers were wrong about some things–David, after all, was polygamous, and yet it’s quite clear from the Bible that God never condoned polygamy. Scripture isn’t wrong, but bible characters certainly were, and the culture at the time certainly was.
Just as we don’t tell women that braided hair and gold jewelry are wrong, we also say that slavery is now wrong. Culture changes; God doesn’t. And if we don’t read the Bible through the lens of culture, then we can get a distorted view and actually believe that slavery may be right.
I am not trying to diminish abuse of women and kids but it seems to me that the mention of men in the title was an after thought. and could have been handled differently.
Abuse is not always physical. verbal and emotional abuse is usually the norm coming from women also using sex and physical attention to control. so many times I have heard condescending, demeaning remarks spewed out of the mouths of women toward their men. Why do i know, because my wife is one of them. emotional and verbal and sexual coercion is what women use toward there husbands.
A recent CDC report out of the Washington reported that men where as likely to be abused by women as woman. the percentages where almost equal. But the church, media and court systems do not recognize this.
we as men are taught from very young, that we are not suppose to hit girls. never. there is never a reason to. and i believe there are woman who take advantage of that world view. culturally we are taught this. how many movies show a woman hitting men and the man not retaliating, lots. there not suppose to. a woman is suppose to be able to hit a man and not expect retaliation. ( modern world view of women.)
Today’s laws are very woman leaning. during a domestic call the police will normally arrest or remove the man even though the woman was the aggressor.
I’m sorry but I have never in my life heard a sermon on the abuse of men by there wives.
I have come to the conclusion that the dynamics of abuse in relationships, is not understood by the modern church and therefore unable to deal with it.
just my 2 cents.
If you intend to address the issue of women who abuse, I would really like to hear your thoughts. If you do please take the time to do some research.
and if I get attacked for this post I really don’t care. I have pretty much given up on the modern church because of it’s in ability to support or address the issue of abusive women.
I am years late reading this, Cruisn, but I absolutely believe you. My heart goes out to you, and I pray that you find support and help among God’s people. You are absolutely right to call out the deliberate deafness to the abuse of men that pervades our churches and culture. Please, please keep telling your story, because the only way to start correcting this abuse is to bring it out into the light, and empower the abused to escape the abuse and find healing. You are right that men brought up never to hit women are at a distinct disadvantage when under attack by a woman, particularly a woman who brings in a weapon. Sometimes the weapon is a knife, vase, lamp, iron, or frying pan. Sometimes it’s the the police.
I would also urge all men who are physically attacked to call the police. Where we live, police generally side with the person who makes the 911 call, regardless of who has the cuts and bruises. We have seen this used frequently by women who attack their husbands and then call the cops on him. Also, just once, we saw a male abuser flip the script: attempted to rape his girlfriend, choked her and broke her nose, then called the cops when she broke free and procured a rifle. He made the 911 call; she went to jail, broken nose and all. So make the call, and get your story in the cops’ ears first. No matter who goes to jail, at least you should be safe for the rest of the night. Of secondary, but also great importance, is the official documentation of her actions and your injuries that a police report will produce. You will be very glad to have this documentation at any criminal trial or divorce hearing that comes up.
I would also encourage you to study up on some jujitsu-based self defense, or perhaps aikido– some type of martial art that teaches you how to dodge, fall, redirect force, disarm and reach a control position with minimal use of strike techniques. I’m sure you don’t want to hurt your wife, but you shouldn’t have to let her hurt you, either. And if you have young children in the home, you can’t flee and leave them behind.
Good luck, Cruisn, and God bless and strengthen you!
Yes, yes yes!!! I can’t agree with this article more. Thank you Sheila for standing up for girls and women everywhere. God bless you.
First, I believe that every form of abuse is sin.
However, this post makes many claims that seem to be true, but are not so accurate when they are considered more carefully. These statements tend to assume the worst, rather than the ideal.
Before proceeding, let’s consider the definitions of power and authority.
The Oxford Dictionary defines power as “the capacity or ability to direct or influence the behavior of others or the course of events.”.
It defines authority as “the power or right to give orders, make decisions, and enforce obedience.”
Looking closely, you will see that authority includes power, but power does not include authority.
Sheila writes “I think there is an immense difference between power and authority. Power is the ability to force someone to do your will; authority is the ability to persuade someone to do your will through moral force. They are really two different things.”
They are indeed different. However, the definitions she gives seem to be reversed from the dictionary definitions.
Here are some claims from the post that are not completely or always true, or are misleading, and my reasoning:
“Unfortunately, though, power over others is intoxicating.”
— Power may be intoxicating, but it does not ALWAYS lead to abuse. Alcohol is intoxicating, but it does not always lead to drunkenness.
“Power always leads to abuse. Always. When we give people power over another person while denying that person the ability or opportunity to get help or to get justice, then we open the doors for abuses of that power.”
— Power does NOT always lead to abuse. It does, however, always give the possibility for abuse.
“Let’s stop giving husbands, pastors, or churches unchecked power. That’s how abuse flourishes.”
— I strongly agree that no Christian should have unchecked power over another Christian. However, the implication is that abuse will ALWAYS flourish in this situation. More correctly, unchecked power is an environment that provides the opportunity for abuse to exist, and possibily flourish.
In short, abuse is not a certainty when a person has power. In fact, I think a better title for the post would be “Let’s Not Abuse Women in the Name of God.”
The true issue is the drive for power and the likelihood of resulting abuse. Sheila does state the true issue when, in a graphic, she states: “We can’t stop abuse until we address the root: a drive for power.”
An example of how authority and power can be beneficial is when a parent controls their child’s behavior to prevent them from being harmed. For example, a parent grabbing their child to stop them from running out in the street where they could easily be injured is not abuse, but love in action. I realize this is not marriage, but the same principle that authority can easily be beneficial applies there, too.
Now, let’s return to the idea that the root cause of abuse is a drive for power. The drive for power will likely always exist as part of the human condition. I don’t think it’s possible to destroy it. Ultimately, abuse is best prevented when that drive for power is subjected to God’s plan for love as the basis for human relationships. Only when a person allows God to have control of their life will they be able to behave as God desires. This is the more important concept in this post, and I don’t think it was addressed (it was only mentioned one time in the graphic).
Note: I do agree that checks on power or authority are important. When failure occurs, those checks would reduce the incidence of abuse (and other hurting behaviors). The Bible provides the checks, for example, church discipline for restoration as given in Matthew 18:15-17.
Tony Campolo wrote a great book about the difference between power and authority in the 80s; he did a great job of showing how Jesus gave up His power and therefore had authority. It was very interesting.
Sheila! Love this post and thank you for having the courage to write it. The fact that we even need to say “have courage to write it,” just struck me by the way…It is amazing to me how sad but true it is that there is much abuse going on in the church. I am sorry to the man who commented as well and pray that the church wakes up to abuse period. I was not aware of the abuse with men was that high. Considering the post here is on women though I will not comment to that further.
I agree about the issue with many churches seeming to have a structure set up that actually does what you are describing. I have seen many where the leaders are all buddies over the years (so they won’t speak up or won’t risk friendship or no one else can ‘get in’), intimidation, fear tactics, humiliation, manipulation, sermons being done to actually “correct” (publicly humiliate) others in front of the congregation (to show what will happen to you or another brave soul if you question next time) yet covered up as if it was just a ‘word’ of God and the list goes on and on.
Also I have seen and heard so much about if someone questions the leader or leaders they are basically black balled or again “subtly” humiliated or talked about to various “higher ups” who have “influence” in just the right places to keep tabs on a person so that if they “dare to stay” and don’t leave after the other tactics (because they believe God has called them there and they are trying to just be obedient) they can be “allowed” to be “used” for their gifting but not able to question anything that seems out of sorts. In fact, any points raised will be ignored to their face and then usually turned into another slamming personal sermon aimed at the one questioning….also others who are trying to be biblical and have conversation with the leader(s) are flat out ignored or told they are being divisive rather then the leader(s) actually listening (even if they know the ones bringing to them are not divisive and they admit they know they hear from God) etc… I mean I just have a hard time getting my head or heart around it. I find it so disturbing. The higher we go the lower we should go is usually how I sum up that scripture about Jesus you beautifully included. He also washed the disciples feet! So the idea to me that someone in “authority” feels it’s ok to act this way I find totally off. I understand respect, honor etc and all the bible says about that but what do you do when the leader is not displaying Christlike characteristics over years or is like a constant roller coaster, one week it’s this the next week it contradicts itself?
I also think it is tough and can be confusing for many because they are told the scriptures about having to submit to authority and I hear that taught often. The pastor or leaders will say that, you must submit to their authority or you are rebelling against God and yet they themselves are not setting up accountability and/or refuse accountability, claim an open door but then punish those who actually have the courage to go to their door to try to talk privately. I have witnessed many too scared to speak up in meetings as well. It’s like a big act on the outside. I find this heartbreaking. I know the obvious answer is simple, leave and go to another church but here is the clincher….
What do you do when you see churches like this all around you and you are at the one that is the least Pharisee? You pray and pray and pray for years but have the awareness along with many that there really is no other place to go.
Another person comment on a process in place…what process? I have not ever seen a process nor have I heard of this for others who have talked about abuse. Instead I have seen what you describe and what I did, it’s as if the leaders don’t want to hear it, yet we are taught to love, forgive, pray, submit and so we do over and over and over etc Jesus called the Pharisees blind guides and white washed tombs.
I find this to be very challenging and I really appreciate you writing on this. Here is a question, would you consider writing further on this? Again what do you do when you are in a region where this is the norm? How do you handle when you are planted in such an env’t? What happens when no one listens and abuse continues? I know everyone just wants to say leave and go elsewhere but there is no other place…in fact what if this is the best out of the rest? Would really appreciate a deeper look at this. Love your blog, I’m praying on starting my own…
Thanks again! God bless you!
Sheila you are clearly anointed for this. I couldn’t have said it better. I live in Nigeria and in the last few months I have felt really overwhelmed with anger and sadness at cases of abuse in marriage where the wives have lost their life. I am even more saddened by the fact that on hearing such news, it is Christian men and women that say things like ” What did she do to piss him off?” “Maybe she committed adultery and got what she deserved” . These are comments from church-going Christians who believe they are speaking the mind of Christ.
I have a blog and I haven’t written in weeks. Sometimes all I get around to doing is reposting your article on my Facebook wall . It’s all so discouraging especially in an environment where male supremacy isn’t just preached in church but it’s been instilled into children at an early age and the society accepts it.
Reading your blog encourages me. Honestly for some of us, the answer can’t be as simple as leaving this kind of churches because sometimes that’s all there is.
God bless you.
Oh, Ronke, that is SO heartbreaking! Keep fighting the fight! I get discouraged about attitudes here, too, though it’s not nearly to the extent that you have it. But just shine your light and speak truth, even if it’s hard. And keep speaking up for the powerless. I’m so sorry that when people brought the gospel to Africa they also brought the idea of male supremacy being from God (which it isn’t). Hopefully the world will one day be able to break free from this.
OK, I may step in “it” but have to reply after reading some of these comments. And yes, I am a man. There are some things that have been written that simply do not line up with scripture. Does a woman have a right to divorce her husband due to abuse? My honest answer is that I do not know. I have been a member of a church where the abuser lost his membership and the abused was helped to get out of the situation. The purpose was to keep them separate until the abuser came to terms with his sin, sought help, and turned from his abusive ways. I don’t know how it ended. However, the only clear teaching in scripture regarding permission to divorce is in regards to infidelity. It is certainly a difficult situation, and I won’t argue with those who believe it is biblical grounds for divorce (legal grounds are less concerning to me, as God has precedence in life).
Submission. A lot of people think it is a dirty word. My wife submits to my authority as her husband. Some would call that foolish. However, I submit to my manager’s authority as an employee. He then submits to his management. Now, I am not called to make my wife submit. That is an issue between her and God. Scripture states that wives are to be submissive to their husbands, not husbands make your wives submit. It is part of a wife’s worship of Christ, not of her husband.
And not to let husbands off the hook, we are called to love our wives as Christ loves the church. That kind of love is the type that is willing to lay down ones life and die, just as Christ did. If men will love their wives in this manner, which only comes from keeping our focus on Christ and relying on Him, then I don’t believe wives would be so worked up over the biblical directive to submit.
What does it mean to have authority? It doesn’t mean their is a difference in value, as one woman seemed to indicate my position infers. It means that we are to be leaders in our homes, examples of Christ, guiding our families towards a stronger relationship with Christ. It means that us husbands will be held more accountable by God for what happens in our homes than our wives will be because He placed us in this position. My manager at work is more accountable for the business unit than I am because he has that position of authority, even though we have equal worth. I encourage wives to think about that, the tremendous responsibility your husband has, the next time you are offended by scripture stating that you are to be submissive.
And we are too mutually submit as Christians. This does not take away a wife’s responsibility and more than it let’s a husband off the hook for being accountable. I have a help mate. She is critical to my development Asa man of God. I must be listening to her advice, willing to realize that I do not only have a beautiful wife that is lovely to look at, but God gave her an incredible mind. She is my trusted one, whom God uses to correct me at times. She is sensitive to Holy Spirit and is used to warn me when I am not listening to God’s leading. Never belittle or undervalue who you are as a submissive wife. You are like “a sunrise in all of its glory” to your husband (Song of Songs2:10).
I know this comment is long, but I know that modern day society is not where we should look for truth. Our creator has given us His plan so we can experience His best. This only happens when both the husband and wife are focused on Christ, not the shortcomings of each other or their own rights.
If there’s anywhere that sexual abuse is more prevalent than in mainstream religion, it’s in cults. There are tons and tons of cases where cult leaders get it on with their followers and make excuses about it later and their followers are only too happy to sweep it under the rug because the cult leaders are more of a godlike figure than you find in mainstream denominations.
Let’s just say I’m not at all surprised by this.
As a husband of a wonderful woman and the son of two Godly parents I am just becoming aware of this kind of teaching. My church never said that wife had to submit absolutely to the leadership of her husband no matter what he does. My wife came out of a family where her father was very verbally abusive a narcissistic. I feel angered and ashamed that some men use their position as the leaders of the home to abuse who is supposed to be the most precious person to them.
I am becoming more aware of this evil teaching from your blog. Thank you and keep up the good work.
I read a wonderful & (I think) unique article on this subject just recently… the author suggested that there are two types of “leadership” mentioned in the NT.
First is ‘Lordship’. This belongs to Christ who will ultimately take it as His rightfully. “Every knee shall bow & every tongue shall confess that Jesus Christ is LORD”. This is a distinctly recognizable power structure where command is taken and subjection is demanded.
The other is ‘Headship’. This is taught in relation to marriage and the church, and is all about submission. The author pointed out that Headship is all about that servant attitude you mention here. It cannot be enforced. It is a beautiful attitude taken by God’s people in their various roles in the church & the family to picture Christ in His submission to God; His shepherd’s heart and His servant attitude. Submission can only be given. As soon as it is demanded or enforced, the picture is broken and the structure is no longer pointing to Christ, but to the man who puts himself in the place that belongs only to Christ- Head among His people.
I thought this was rather beautiful!
Good morning! A friend sent this article to me twice because he felt it would resonate. It does. I spent my entire life preparing to be in service to the one man God would choose to be my husband. I followed Debi Pearl almost as if she and her husband were gods. Coupled with my fundamentalist upbringing, it caused more pain than I could bear. I finally broke. And then I broke free. My passion is to help other women who are entrapped in the lifestyle, but the problem is, those who are still being abused will rarely read an article like this. I never believed I was being abused until a specific breaking point. How can we reach those who are still under this bondage? They won’t voluntarily seek help for something they don’t recognize as damaging. I avoided “false teachers” at all costs. Never allowed myself to entertain other points of view…particularly regarding biblical interpretation. I knew what I’d been taught my entire life was right, and allowing other teaching into my mind could cause roots of heresy to take hold and make me fall away.
I am taking baby steps in my sharing because my ex watches my writing and speaking very closely, and it is still scary sometimes. But I was privileged to be able to share my story as part of the Walk the Talk speaker series, and women started reaching out. Thank you for continuing to shed light on this topic. So many women like me need to hear it. If you are interested in my story, here is the link:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=R3s2mTpC9sk