Ever been in a catch-22 in your marriage?
If you do one thing you’re in trouble, but if you do the opposite, you’re in trouble, too–just in a different way. You feel as if you have no options.
It’s Wednesday, the day when we always talk marriage, and this week we’re going to talk about catch-22s and marriage. I guess it’s the week when we talk about tough choices, after Monday’s epic rant to the woman who wants to leave her husband for her lover! But many catch-22s aren’t as morally iffy. Many are just plain hard, and today I have two questions from two women. Here’s one:
I am the 24-hour caregiver for my mother-in-law (who doesn’t like me) She refuses to go to daycare, although when it was my husband’s older brother turn to take care of her she went. She bullies me and I “turn the other cheek”. My own mom doesn’t recognize who I have become and my friends say I am a shell. My husband sees the problem and sides with me, but it does no good. His siblings are refusing to take her and we can’t make rent without her. My husband just lost his job and I’ve been looking for a year and can’t find one. She gets mad if we leave together and if we are in the bedroom with the door shut she pounds on the door. So I guess what I’m trying to say is that we are together on the problem, but helpless to change it.
Here’s another, from recent comments:
My husband has told me he doesn’t love me and has checked out of the marriage. I know he’s seeing other women. But he won’t move out because we can’t afford it. I feel nothing for him anymore either, but we homeschool, and I can’t afford to live on my own. He’s almost completely ignoring the kids, and it’s so awful. I’ve asked our family and our pastor to talk to him but my husband says God isn’t real and he won’t listen to them anymore. I can’t afford to live on my own, and my husband is angry and grumpy all the time, but I don’t know what to do.
What do these two stories have in common? The women feel as if they’re in an impossible situation, but they can’t see a way out of it–in both cases because of financial issues.
So what do you do if you’re miserable, but you feel powerless to change your situation, especially because of money?
Realize that we are never without options.
This idea that we are helpless to change our situation is just simply false. It is not biblical and it is not true.
It may very well be true that you are helpless to do something if you want to maintain a certain standard of living or if you want to keep your family happy with you or if you want to stay living in the same house (or keep homeschooling), but that’s not the same as having no options. That’s just choosing to limit your options yourself.
In the first case, for instance, the family could say, “we aren’t going to have mother live with us anymore”, and tell the other siblings they’ll have to do something or else find a home for her. And then they could go on welfare and live in government housing for a while; they could get an old trailer and live in that until they found a job; they could ask a family member to put them up in a garage while they looked for work.
In the second case, she could live in a one-bedroom apartment with her kids while going on welfare. She could move into government housing. She could ask her family for help.
In both cases, the women could reach out to their church bodies and be really blunt about the help they need. If the church doesn’t provide it, they could invest in joining a different church with a different ethos, and they could start volunteering and investing in people there, too, so that others are more likely to help them.
Now, none of those options (except the last one) is necessarily good, but they are options.
When you recognize that you have choices, then you recognize that staying in the status quo is also a choice.
If you choose to stay in the situation that you don’t like, but you realize that this situation is better than other choices, then that is also a choice.
That’s important to realize, because when we start feeling helpless, like we have no options, it’s easy to get despondent and bitter.
But when you realize that your life is a choice, then you can walk in gratitude. You can realize, “okay, this may not be the way I wanted my life to turn out, but out of the options that God has presented before me, this is the one that I feel like I should walk in.”
Think about the difference between saying, “I’m stuck,” and saying, “I don’t like my life right now, but I’m choosing it because [insert benefit here: I still get to homeschool; I get to stay in my house; the kids still get to see their dad].” When you realize the choice, then you also realize the benefits that you’re getting from it, and how important those benefits obviously are to you.
Even if you have few practical choices, you always have a choice in how you react.
Viktor Frankl, who was a prisoner of war in Nazi Germany, wrote some brilliant literature on the power of choice in a person’s life. One of his famous quotes is this one:
Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms – to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.
Choosing your attitude is a choice, in and of itself. And it’s a choice that God asks us to make. The apostle Paul said this:
I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12 I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13 I can do all this through him who gives me strength. (Philippians 4:11-13)
I like the phrase that Paul uses: “I have learned…” He knows that this kind of peace isn’t automatic. It’s HARD. And what I’m saying is super hard. If you’re living in a situation that looks really bleak, it is very hard to find contentment. But God asks us to find our joy in Him first. When we keep that eternal perspective, and when we concentrate on what God is teaching us about our character, rather than on perfecting our circumstances, it is amazing how much our attitude can change.
When you realize that you ARE making choices, then instead of spending emotional energy being upset about your life, you can spend that energy figuring out how to make the life that you did choose bearable and even joyful.
When you believe that you are in an impossible situation, then it’s all too easy to give up and focus on everything that is wrong. But when you realize, “I am choosing this life as the best out of my possible options”, and thus “I will turn to God to find my contentment”, then you can also ask God to show you what practical steps you can take to make your situation more bearable.
In the first case, she and her husband could draw better boundaries with the mother-in-law: “Mom, either you respect our privacy, or we’re going to withdraw from you and not eat dinner together. You’ll have to eat by yourself. And if you continue to treat us this way, then we will have to take you to daycare, even if you don’t want it.”
They can search out options for respite care so that they can go out at night.
They can sit in their room and watch a movie, even if their mother bangs on the door, and they can ignore her if she is rude.
In short, they can draw boundaries. They can say, “we will treat you with love and respect, but we need love and respect as well. If you trespass over our privacy, then we will not be able to give you all that you want.”
In the second case, she could say, “I know that my husband is grumpy and doesn’t help at all with the kids, and is often angry. But I will take the kids outside of the house for a lot of the day. I will homeschool in our local library. I will take time in the evenings to retrain so that I will eventually be able to get a good job from home.”
And then both women can look at how to include more things that bring them joy into their lives.
Let’s rethink the Catch-22.
We need to stop feeling like we’re victims. God says,
No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it. (1 Corinthians 10:13)
There is ALWAYS a way out. Sometimes, like Viktor Frankl found when he was a prisoner, that way out is an attitude shift. Sometimes it’s something more practical. But focusing on how you have no choices never does anyone any good–and only draws you further away from God.
Focus instead on being grateful for what you do have–because you have chosen this life, even if it doesn’t feel like it. You have decided this is the best option you have, which means that there are things about your life for which you are grateful. Speak that gratitude. Own your choices. And then, once you have peace and joy, it’s much easier to work at expanding those choices later. But if you’re always focused on what you don’t have and what you can’t do, you’ll never feel satisfaction.
Look, I’m not trying to be heartless, like I have no sympathy for these women. I hope it doesn’t sound that way.
Both situations sound awful! But the truth is this: feeling helpless will not make anything better. It will only leave you paralyzed and bitter. Seeing God in the midst of it, and finding joy in the midst of it, is the only real way out of feeling trapped.
What do you think? Have you ever felt like you were in a Catch-22? How did you handle it? Let me know in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Sheila, I’m sure you will get some post about being “heartless”, but you are so spot on. I have spent years complaining about this, that and the other thing and it was only in the last couple of years that I realized that I had a choice in how I was reacting to things. We have become a society that it has to be someone else’s fault for our predicament. I have a woman that works for me, that is always complaining about money and that she is living paycheck to paycheck, yet she has taken 3 trips this year, bought an Ipad as well as an Iphone. Life is choices. We can pray and pray to God for help, but when he shows us the way, we have to choose to follow. Keep bringing on the tough love answers!
Amen!!!
Yes in catch 22 or 44 ha! So there is a lady that saved my life last year and today I’m still getting through my good changes. Now her and i developed a relationship. I thought she was in love like me. We dated 17 years ago believe it or not and this same thing happened. Crazy right? No it’s life, and we always have the most fun. So I’m happy i lived through this past year of self help. I want to call her but her boyfriend popped up (i didn’t know about) so know im being quite. Thank you! J.
Once again, I have to say yes, yes, and yes. You see, for a long time now, God has been working with me on my negative thinking and stinky attitude. Life for me just sucked. I came from a broken home, I had a mother who played mind games with me, we’re battling financially, I was always feeling sick, I got retrenched, hubby got retrenched, etc, etc, etc…
I had a lot to complain about…
but, I soon started to realise that the more I complained, or had a bad attitude, the more I would find something to complain about… the more my attitude would stink.
Once I started finding things to be grateful for, the more my attitude shifted, the more I could see I had so much to be grateful for. But, it is so, so, so hard – I’ve been in situations where it felt like no way out (in fact, I am finding myself in one right now), and the only way out I could figure was to change how I saw things. And it has been such a long road, and it really isn’t easy, but I am now starting to see dividends for all the hard work I have been putting in changing my attitude and my perspective. Only by God’s grace…
To give you a very simplistic, but practical example: my mother copies everything I do, even remarrying someone who “reminded” her of my husband. She even copies the way I dress, I literally mean everything. And of course its annoying. Then I started to do Park Run. And guess what? My mom started doing Park Run. And I said to my husband, as annoyed as what I am because my mother was only doing it to copy me, I’m going to look at this as a valuable exercise for her in keeping and maintaining her health. Changing my perspective was not easy, but it was beneficial.
https://babymamasblog.wordpress.com/2013/07/29/the-two-posters/
https://babymamasblog.wordpress.com/2014/11/19/the-father-of-all-lies/
I’m interested in these comments cause marriage does feel like a catch-22.
Both women need to go on welfare until they can fnd jobs.
That’s not a marriage, its unhealthy.
I think the first woman and her husband need to put the mom in a retirement home if she needs that level of care or into a retirement apartment if she can live on her own. They will have to find a way to manage without mama’s money. The second woman should accept welfare- there are a lot of services available to her. A woman’s center will be able to help her with guidance.
Sheila, you are exactly right and it was refreshing to read this blog post.
It’s not an immediate fix, but I am getting my lovely home ready to sell, trading down my vehicle, and working on finding a second job so that if my husband decides not to return from the trial separation he initiated in January (or stops paying the mortgage) I am ready AND able to make major changes for myself and my son. It took some time to stop feeling “stuck” but I am starting to feel empowered by the decisions I can make. And if he decides to return (and I decide to let him — which is a whole other post) I have only made improvements to our home and financial situation. I think finding the right boundaries has helped shift my attitude and focus, and I really appreciate this timing of this post!
That’s wonderful. And I’m glad the post helped and validated! I’m so sorry about your husband moving out, though. I pray that you will be able to reconcile, but no matter what, at least you know that you can move forward.
I think women tend to lose themselves in their marriages and no longer know how to think, or they are afraid to think. In the first case her husband sides with her, but he clearly is not doing enough in affecting the situation. It’s his mother and he needs to be emphatic. In the second case, she needs to be clear on the fact that she deserves better treatment from her husband. People treat us the way we allow them to.
I also think in both of these situations the women know what needs to be done but they are looking for validation for their choices instead of doing the hard things. There are no easy solutions – but I do find that the only way to know your worth and then have the courage to execute (this is the hard part) is to spend significant time in the word reading, meditating and praying and then surrounding yourself with wise people.
Totally agree! I think of the main benefits of hard things is to make us be quiet, be still, and really seek out God.
I agree that people get stuck and are not willing to swallow their pride, get creative and find cheaper solutions. However, the concept of getting a 1 bedroom apartment for more than 2 won’t fly. When we gratefully moved into a rent controlled apartment we were required to get a 3 bedroom because we were a family of 5. The phrase they used was “only 2 heartbeats per bedroom”. I always wondered if they monitored if you had anymore kids. 🙂
God will provide a way. We may not like it and it may not look pretty.
This is a homerun post Sheila! Marriage, other relationships, or even hands you have been dealt without your involvement at all (like health) – are all about what you wrote!! Love it!
Thank you, Alicia! I’m glad you liked it! (Great to meet you the other night, too! 🙂 )
I hurt my husband deeply and we went through a dark time where nothing I did felt like it was right in his eyes. I stayed in my marriage because I was called by God to stay. My faith kept me there while the world and even Christians told me to leave. I pleaded with God to leave and release me and He never did because the bigger picture He was seeing was beyond my grasp at the moment. God was at work on my husband in ways I couldn’t see. Fast forward over 10 years later and we are still married, still growing, and happy. Maybe the question isn’t about how your marriage is at all… but are you living in God’s will? Even God called Hosea to marry an unfaithful woman for HIS glory.
Beautifully put!
Jen, I’m reading this post more than three years later and am struggling to surrender in my relationship. I hurt my husband deeply as well and have let it fester for twelve years. I need to be able to seek God for an answer. Thank you.
What a wonderful post Sheila. I needed to read that today.
I’ve been feeling very down and stuck this year. I’m in year 6 of my PhD and I really hate it. I’ve hated it since year 3. I’ve felt super stuck. Since I’m so close to finishing, and my family and my husband really want me to see it through. After getting down from the high of my wedding, I’ve been feeling awful and sorry for myself. Which is having a big impact on my mental health, which destroys my concentration and motivation, which means my productivity tanks and I feel worse about myself etc. ad nauseum. I’m also scared of what we’ll do when I finish, since I don’t have a job lined up and my husbands job cannot support us at present. Enter paralyzing anxiety. I’ve not been having a good year.
But you are absolutely right. I did choose this. I can power through and I do have choices to help make it bearable. I can do other things that bring me joy in between.
I hope these poor women can find a way to improve their situations. No-one should be bullied in their own home. No-one should be the only 24/7 caregiver either. I don’t know where we get this idea that we should let someone do whatever they want, just because they are old. Even if it means we get to do absolutely nothing for ourselves.
Public school for a semester or a year probably won’t kill the kids. Or if she has a very good friend/ sister/ neighbor who could help educate the kids like you did with your nephew? Just while she figures out their finances. The philandering husband’s financial troubles are his own problem. He can go live with his lovers. Or on the street.
Oh, alchemist, I wish you lived in Canada! You and my oldest daughter would be bosom buddies and kindred spirits, I’m sure! 🙂 Sticking it out is likely a good idea, even if it’s hard. You don’t want to lose all the work you’ve already done. But I know what you mean–it can seem like such a long haul. Take care of yourself!
And, yes, I really pray these women find some solutions, too. Older people can definitely be such bullies…
Alchemist, please hang in there. I love your comments and the fact that you’re from South Africa and would love it if you obtained your Phd. Just a short run further… You can do it! 🙂
I’m sorry but I find this post and some of the comments to be a little generalised. Yes, there are always choices, but that doesn’t mean there are always acceptable choices. Not everyone has access to welfare, and those who do, can’t necessarily afford even a one bedroom apartment. Even in places that have government housing, doesn’t mean that it’s available.
What would you suggest to women who are told that government housing has a 5-10 year wait, and there is not currently any space in refuges – that the wait to get into a refuge is approximately a month and that women can only stay there for two weeks maximum? Where the rent on a one bedroom apartment is more than what single parent benefits and child support pay? even caravans are unaffordable here.
I have a friend who has literally just this week returned to her abusive husband as the shelter she went to said she couldn’t stay any longer as they had more serious cases to take in and she’d already been there several weeks. Sole parent welfare and child support wasn’t enough to house her and her four kids even in a one bedroom unit or caravan, so her only options were live in a car and put the kids in foster care (something, that trust me, you don’t want to have happen to your kids here!) or return to her abusive husband.
And jobs don’t just grow on trees. There is very high unemployment here. Family court orders prevent women from taking kids and moving to areas where there are more jobs. I know I personally have been looking for a job for 8 months since my last contract ended and have had only one interview and didn’t get the job. And I have heaps of qualifications and experience in a number of fields – yet I can’t even get a part time, unskilled, temp position because employers prefer to hire people under 21 (who are paid less) for unskilled positions, and they want people with 10+ years experience for skilled jobs.
And that’s just those who can work. Here people who are disabled don’t get paid any more than single parents. If you’re a single parent with a disability, you get the same welfare as a single parent without a disability. And our “free” healthcare system isn’t as free as most people are led to think. I sadly have quite a number of friends across Australia who I know through support groups for some of my more serious medical conditions who are in relationships with abusive men and don’t leave their abuser because their only choices are stay or live on the streets and their kids either put in foster care (which here is a very dangerous thing with more kids abused in foster care than in general society), or generally (due to a farcical family court system), the abuser gets custody of the kids and abuses them instead.
Sure it’s a choice, but what kind of choice is it?
I’ve been involved in domestic violence advocacy for nearly a decade now. And the sad reality is, that some women are faced with the “choice” of stay and be abused themselves, or leave and live on the streets while the family court forces their children to stay with the abuser and the children are abused instead. In the past, there was a third option and take the kids and go on the run, but basically there is nowhere to hide these days and do that. Women who try that get found and arrested and instead of living on the streets while the abuser gets custody, the women end up in jail while the abuse gets custody.
I very much disagree with that Viktor Frankl found a way out. What he did was find contentment when there was no way out. He found peace in his acceptance that there was no way and that there was nothing practical he could do change his situation.
Yes, most people do have choices when they are in crappy marriages, but the reality is, there are some people who don’t have any decent choices. So many women in abusive marriages get put down by people blaming them for the violence they suffer because they “choose” not to leave, but who would “choose” to leave when they know if they do leave, their husband will kill them, or get custody of the children and abuse or kill the children instead?
If we’re going to tell people they have a choice whether they stay or leave an abusive marriage, then we have to make sure that the option of leaving isn’t a worse one for them. Or acknowledge that it’s really not a “choice” to stay when the choices are stay and be abused, or leave and their children be abused worse or they and/or their children killed.
Viktor Frankl is the prime example of someone who DIDN’T have a choice in his situation. Yes he made a choice in his attitude but he had no practical choices he had control over. People can choose to find love for their fellow human and peace in God in even the worst situations, but in a situation where the only thing they can choose is their attitude and they have no valid choices to change their situation, telling them they have “choices” doesn’t help. It just makes them feel worse. It’s why so many domestic violence victims attempt suicide or achieve suicide – because for some, that is literally the only choice they have left that actually gets them away from the abuse.
Hello. My heart goes out to all of those of whom you speak of. Yes, it is very difficult to be optimistic when so many people are in abusive situations. I have been having an argument with the Lord on this topic for sometime now & reality is; bad happens. Bad will always happen. You cannot just wave a magic wand & wish it all goes away. I want to stay in the the good side of things. I don’t want to think on the bad. My thoughts are always negative, hurtful, & alot of the time; hostile. No one has to be around me for my thoughts to go bad; its just what I do. I cannot speak for most people; but, if I had to guess, most people come from some kind of abusive background which leads me to believe that no one wants to think or see reality in a negative light. For most of us, we want to believe in the good, even when all the world around us is being attacked; even if it is in our own mind. Which leads me to right here & right now. I somehow put myself in a bubble, or God did ( I believe) to prove this point to me. You can live your whole entire life alone, in a room, in the country,in a city, not having very many friends ( maybe one or two @ a time over the course of a decade @ a time); still bad can creep in & still you away from the world. This is what happened to me. It started when I was very young. I was molested @ a very young age. I didn’t believe I did anything wrong. My molester was a family member. He told me I couldnt tell anyone about this. My trusting nature said ok. It didn’t hurt, so it didn’t bother me. When my Grandmother walked in & asked what we were doing, I told her what we were doing. We were taking a nap; because that was what we were originally doing. I didn’t intentionally lie to my Grandmother to protect my molestor. I told the truth. Then, when it happened again with a different relative, I got in trouble. I told the truth. I didn’t want it to happen. I didn’t ask for it to happen. Still, I got spanked & he got away with it. I had tempted him to touch me. I was 5. This went on for several years. I learned to lie. To tell the truth meant to be punished; so I learned to lie. Then, I began to be beat for lieing. I was put to work @ my baby sitters home @ a very young age. One day, the owners daughter gave me an envelope with some money in it. I asked her what it was for & she said it was for me. I was so excited. Couldn’t believe I had money! Well, come to find out; it wasn’t my money. I was accused of stealing the money. The money was to go to the cook. It wasn’t much; just $25. That was alot of money in the early ’70’s in the southern Mississippi. I got in trouble & had to take the money to the sweet lady. I told her what happened & that I really thought it was given to me. She was so sweet to me. She told me; people like her & myself will never be better than the owners of this world(paraphrasing). I looked @ her & said something to the affect of, “Oh, Yes I WILL!!!” She took my face in her hands & gave me a kiss on the cheek & wished me well. Everything snowballed from there. Every bad thing that happened from then on lead me to to not want to be around other people. I quit swimming in the ocean because, I got caught up in a current, which I still swear it was God holding me down to see how much fight I had in me. Why? Because @ the age of 5 or 6 most children can’t hold their breath that long under water, kicking with one leg trying to break free, then all of a sudden the water just letting go, & you are free. I will never forget that. I looked for the hand that held onto my leg, but never found it. I never got back into the ocean after that day. Small things lead to big things. Big things lead to giant things. One thing is for certain. Everything begins in the mind. What you see, smell, taste, & hear; it all begins in the mind. I spent my entire life avoiding life because, well, every time, I tried to live; I couldn’t cope. I had a bad experience. My entire life has been full of bad experiences. I am so use to seeing bad. It plays over & over in my mind. Well, that is what I kept telling myself. It’s only been the last couple of years that the Lord has really been showing me just that. All the fear, hurt, anxiety, anger, & hostility that I have been experiencing has been from my own doing. Life’s emotional, mental, & spiritual hurts are always experienced in someones mind before it ever becomes physical. Most people have an answer to the problem; but no one seems to see the problem within themselves. Jesus was correct when He said violence begets violence. He was also correct when He said love covers all sin. My conversation with Him, just yesterday, consisted of me not wanting to acknowledge He died for me. No matter how I look @ Him or see Him; I do not want to see Him in a bad light. I do not want to see God in a bad light. I do not want to believe God wants to bring any harm to any of us. This is where we are today. He did die for me. I have to face that. I still lash out @ Him, hurtfully, everyday, even when I do not want too. Still, He is faithful. Throughout my whole life; all I saw was bad. This past couple of years, He is slowly opening my mind to the truth. That is, He is faithful. I still do not trust Him completely & I still have anger issues with Him; but suprisingly enough, we are communicating. I think that is the main thing all of us need to get out all of our relationships; communication. If we can communicate with one another; maybe, just maybe, other avenues will be able to open up as well. I will keep you & your mission in my prayers. So many people hurting. Why? I think its because, we are all to busy hurting & blaming one another & our situations; instead of seeing the real reason. We were never really taught the truth. If you were to ask any abusive parent why they abuse someone; they most likely tell you because they were abused & so on & so on. But, how many can tell you the root cause of that abuse? Not very many. People do what they learn. They learn by what they see & hear. Sometimes, what they see & hear isn’t necessarily truth. The mind plays terrible games on us. It is evil. What is going on in the lives of those who are going through wars that shouldn’t be happening, broken homes, parents that are aging; isn’t anyone’s fault. We just were not taught how to deal with these situations. This is how they become what they were never suppose to be, our weaknesses.
Thank you for inserting logic and validation for those who suffer through no fault of their own. So much of what I was reading here seems very Marie Antonette-ish. There are always options but it doesn’t mean that they are safe or healthy in any case. The world is a dangerous place for women and yet when we begin to speak our truths, we are blamed for “acting” like victims. The concept of learned helplessness (playing the victim) may indeed be a valid psychological issue in some people, however I am seeing this used more and more against those who are actually true victims of violence and neglect. Women are by and large living within a social environment created for and by men. We are constantly twisting ourselves to fit in, to succeed, to survive in a mold that gives zero consideration or care to how it is to live a life of being a girl, a woman, a mother in a world which we are constantly at risk from one direction or another. I find it obnoxious to hear that we always have choices. Is it really a choice if the decision is between life or death or eating or starving or even between whether you are able to protect your children or give them away? That doesn’t sound like a choice, it sounds more like coersion of the worst sort. Sometimes all we can do is “complain” and be validated by others; just the smallest bit of relief gained from an understanding and compassionate listener. To then be criticized for it, or be blamed for lack of action, that only intensifies the shame and loneliness. Sometimes you just don’t have a choice. Sometimes the best thing to do is nothing. Stay as safe as possible, love yourself, and survive. 🦋
I love this post, I think you have very clearly hit on one of the big challenges when facing a difficult situation. Often the problem before us appears insurmountable, and it is hard to sift through the options. I like your very biblically sound interpretation, life is not meant to be easy, God uses challenges to refine us, and help us grow. Making a choice to do nothing, Is a choice, but, is can be very difficult when you a stuck in that place that feels like there are no options. Changing our attitude changes our perspective.
This is an excellent summary.
Thanks, Lisa! I’m glad you found it helpful.
I found this post really interesting, and it articulated something that I have been feeling for a while. I have been trying to always see the good in all things, like we are told in Thessalonians 5:18 “give thanks in all circumstances.” I am thankful that I have never faced situations such as those described above, or in a Nazi concentration camp, but I think it can be applied to anyone’s life. If you look to the negative, you will ALWAYS find something to be negative about, whereas if you look to the positive, you will ALWAYS find something to be positive about.
The thing I love most about this post Sheila, is that you are making us aware that we all have choices. I find your writing so inspiring! You really have an amazing way with words, and such a direct manner that is so refreshing! Thanks for sharing your thoughts with us!
Thank you, Eliza! I appreciate those kind words! I’m glad you liked it.
For the woman with the husband who’s “checked out of the marriage” and she feels stuck, I don’t blame her. There are situations that can cause you to feel helpless, and sometimes a simple attitude change isn’t going to help. My mom’s been married to an abusive man for 28 years, has poor health, and NOWHERE TO GO. She wants to either get a divorce or go home to Heaven, and to get a divorce and go somewhere else would take an enormous act of God. She has recently started to fight back when my dad attacks (verbally, emotionally, and psychologically,) but for a long time she felt helpless. Sometimes the only options are bad options, and it is ok for a woman in a situation like that to feel stuck. There aren’t always easy answers, especially when you haven’t “walked a mile in her shoes.”
If a wife were in a situation/marriage where it wasn’t abuse but it also wasn’t what God designed for marriage, HOW does she stay in it and change her attitude towards contentment WHILE showing her children the way the husband treats her is wrong?
For example, my husband learned from his parents the man can be selfish and chauvinistic while the wife must be submissive and supportive of his choices. I can not bear to have my children repeat this cycle but currently feel my “choice” is to stay. What do I do to break this cycle???
Hi there! That is really tough. But you can stay while also being kind and gentle to your husband–but firm. If he insists on something in a rude or disrespectful manner, you can politely decline to do it, for instance. I have more about this in my book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, which looks at how to change US, even if the situation doesn’t change. I hope that helps!