Can you know, before your wedding, that you’re not marrying the wrong guy?
Every Monday I like to put up a reader question and take a stab at answering it, and today I’ve got two questions from readers that relate to the same thing: how do I know I’m not in love with the wrong person?
One young woman asks:
When I was first together with my fiance I noticed that I he lied. He called it being diplomatic, and he said there are grey areas, that not everything is white or black. The lies extended to our relationship. I would find his chats with other girls, but he would claim that they’re random old time friends. Then I’d see him on an erotic literature site with a profile pic of a poorly clad female. He’d claim to have stumbled onto the site, but then I’d find out that the pic had been there for more than a year and that he still visited. After going through your site and seeking counsel, I decided to end the relationship. The issue, though, is that I don’t know if I should have overlooked those ‘minor lies/diplomacy’ in the first instance. Just don’t want to make the same mistake twice.
Another young woman asks:
Over the past several years, I’ve worried a lot about marrying the wrong person…to the point that I dread marriage. It’s not that I believe I only have one possible spouse out there, but I do believe that some choices are wiser than others when it comes to choosing a husband. Simply put, I’m afraid that I’ll marry the wrong guy and end up with all sorts of problems like some of your readers share about… insecurity, emotional of physical abuse, my husband leaving or having an affair, divorce, etc. Do you have any advice for single women on how to pick a good life partner? Because I would truly rather remain single forever than end up in a bad marriage.
Okay, great questions! To the first reader: I’m so glad you got out of that relationship! And to the second reader: Marriage is a really wonderful thing, and I’m sorry if so many of my posts have scared you to death! Don’t dread marriage; it’s awesome! You just need to be wise, that’s all.
And so today, let’s talk about how to be wise when looking for a life partner.
When it comes to knowing if he’s the wrong guy, character trumps everything.
When it comes to choosing who to marry, character trumps everything. Click To TweetSure there may be personality issues: what if he’s outgoing and you’re not? What if he’s adventurous and loves the outdoors, and you love nothing more than decorating your little nest and staying at home? What if he dreams of being a pastor and you always swore you’d never marry into the ministry?
But these things can easily be overcome with a change in attitude, perspective, or just a little compromise.
When it comes to avoiding a marriage that could be abusive, or where affairs or porn or secrecy may be a part, character trumps everything else. If a guy has good character, he isn’t going to have an affair on you. He isn’t going to be emotionally abusive. He isn’t going to tell you you’re fat and demand that your body stay a certain size. Yes, some great marriages end up in affairs, but that really is the exception, not the rule. When I was dating my husband, I never worried that he would do any of these things. Never for one single moment. And he never has. He had great character, and I could see that right in the beginning.
Does that mean he was perfect? No, of course not. But if he ever did anything wrong, he was quick to own it; he was quick to apologize; and he was quick to show me that he didn’t want to do it again. He didn’t justify his behaviour, or try to blame it on someone else, or tell me that I was just misinterpreting the whole situation. And that’s the picture of a Christian: It isn’t someone who does absolutely everything right, but it’s someone who is honest about the state of their heart, and who is running after God and trying to look more and more like Jesus everyday.
Look at it this way: If you would never have an affair; if you would never wreck someone’s confidence; if you would never be emotionally abusive, then people like you exist (you’re living proof!). So don’t thing that you can’t find the male version of someone like you. In fact, the more you pursue great character in yourself, the more people with great character will be attracted to you, and the more likely they will show up in your social circle (because like tends to hang out with like). So remember Andy Stanley’s awesome dating advice:
Other posts that may interest you on deciding who to marry:
Should I Marry Someone Who Uses Porn?
The 4 Things You Need in a Guy
How to Prepare for a Great Marriage (with a list of red flags to make sure he’s not the wrong guy!)
You should never have to talk yourself into believing in the relationship.
With that being said, let’s go back to something our first letter writer brought up: Should the first few lies have been enough to say, “this is the wrong guy for me”?
Quite frankly, yes.
If you have to convince yourself he's not the wrong guy for you, then he's the wrong guy. Click To TweetIf you have to talk yourself into believing that this is the right relationship; if you have to give yourself a pep talk that “he doesn’t really mean that” or “he loves me, he just doesn’t realize the effect that he has on me when he does that”, then he’s not the right person.
Do not waste your time on a guy that you have to talk yourself into believing that he loves you. Your time is too valuable. Get out.
Now, I can think of a few exceptions. Sometimes guys are just clueless. Let’s say that you’re bubbly, and you need a lot of human connection. But you’re dating someone who is very “inside their head”. He’s more introverted, and when he gets thinking about a project, he often forgets to text or seems to ignore you.
That doesn’t necessarily mean he’s the wrong guy. This is actually quite a common scenario for people who are dating each other–they choose the opposite, and I think sometimes God puts these opposites together to help smooth out our rough edges. He puts the bubbly person with the introvert so that the introvert is forced to still be social and to maintain a relationship with the outside world, while the extrovert is taught to be more contemplative.
So here’s how you tell if it’s just a personality difference that can be fixed or if it’s a genuine character issue:
You tell him what you need, and if he’s open to trying to provide it, then it’s not a character issue.
So if you say, “I know sometimes you’re busy and in the middle of something, but I just need you to text me everyday, even if it’s just a ‘hey, honey, just wanted you to know I was thinking of you and I love you, but I’m trying to finish up a big project at work, and will likely be working late tonight.’–and then he puts a reminder in his calendar to text you and follows through, then it’s not a character issue. He shows that he values you enough to adjust his normal way of doing things.
But if you have to continually say to yourself, “he didn’t mean to hurt me that way”, or “that’s just the way he is”, or “I’m just too demanding”, then he is the wrong guy. Believe it. Character trumps everything. It’s the only thing that matters.
If your “gut” is telling you he’s the wrong guy, listen to your gut
I have never met a woman who has been divorced who didn’t also say, “the warning signs were there before we were married but I ignored them.”
Our gut tells us when something is wrong. If you’re constantly telling your gut to be quiet, and trying to talk your “gut” into believing that he’s the right guy, then he’s the wrong guy. It’s that simple.
People do not magically change once they get married
While I have never met a woman who has been divorced and who has taken a good, hard look at her failed marriage who hasn’t acknowledged that there were warning signs, I’ve had plenty of readers write in and say, “he totally changed once we got married, and now he’s a horrible person!”
Quite frankly, I don’t believe it. I think they’re trying to absolve themselves of the responsibility of choosing poorly, and they’re putting all the blame on their husbands.
For instance, if a guy promises you the moon–“As soon as we get married, I’ll move out of my mother’s place and get a job”–but he does absolutely nothing about it before you’re married, and then he still doesn’t get a job once you are married, he didn’t change. You simply judged him by his words rather than his actions, which is never a wise thing to do.
If he is promising you that all kinds of things will change once you’re married, then he’s the wrong guy. Those things have to be in place BEFORE you’re married for him to be the right guy. If he says, “once I’m married, I won’t be tempted to use porn anymore”, then he’s the wrong guy. He needs to be free of porn for a significant amount of time before you’re married.
And the flipside is also true: if you ignore your gut and then you get married, it’s not that he changed. You just chose not to see the warning signs. People do not suddenly become abusive. He would have been dismissive of people before you were married; he would have wanted to talk about himself and not about you; he would have insulted you if you tried to have an opinion of your own. He may not have hit you before, but he would have diminished you or tried to put himself in a power position over you.
That’s actually good news.
That means that if you’re dating a guy with good character, who is kind to you, and who is responsible, and you don’t have those warning signs, you can rest assured that he isn’t going to suddenly start abusing you (unless a mental illness manifests itself or something like that). He really won’t.
Run after God like crazy. And then listen to God.
Finally, here’s some other awesome marriage advice I heard from Deb Fileta from True Love Dates: Run after Jesus as fast as you can and as hard as you can, and after you’ve run a certain way, turn around and see who has kept pace with you. Then marry that person.
In other words, don’t try so hard to find the right person; run after Jesus. Then you’ll tend to find other people of good character. But not only that, if you’re close to Jesus, you’ll be able to hear His voice. And He will show you if someone has bad character. He really will.
Run hard after Jesus. Look around. See who is running with you. Marry that person! - @DebFileta Click To TweetSo run after Jesus. Listen to His voice. Pray constantly. Teach yourself to recognize Jesus’ voice. And then listen to your gut (which is really the Holy Spirit talking to you). If you do that, it’s very unlikely you’ll marry the wrong guy. And if you are dating someone that you love, and that you don’t have to justify, and that you believe also loves Jesus, you don’t have to worry that he’ll become something totally different once you’re married.
What do you think? What are the warning signs that you’re with the wrong guy? Let’s talk in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I think a part of this also is our modern fixation on finding the will of God for your life and that it’s a specific plan laid out. I think Garry Freisen and Robin Maxson have done a good deal to help dispel this myth. A lot of people are second-guessers so doubt is not an ender. If a person never doubted, I would think they aren’t taking it seriously. Still, the Bible is not concerned about who you marry but the kind of person you marry. The only guidelines are they must be a legal person of age who is of the opposite sex and a Christian. Interestingly, many people never stop to ask about what kind of spouse they’ll be for the one they marry. They’re more concerned about how their spouse will work with them.
On an amusing note, my wife had five criteria laid out for the kind of guy she would never marry. These were five very specific criteria. None of them had to do with moral character.
I failed all of them.
We celebrate six years this July.
Nick Peters recently posted…Book Plunge: Jesus, The Bible, And Homosexuality
Love that last bit, Nick! Too funny. I had criteria, too, that didn’t have to do with character that went out the window when I met Keith. Character trumps all.
Sheila. My favorite is that my wife’s Dad is a well-known Christian apologist so she grew up hearing that all her life. She’s not against it, but she just didn’t like hearing it constantly so the final criteria of her man was very clear. I will NEVER date or marry an apologist.
I have my own apologetics ministry and I’ve been doing apologetics for over 15 years.
God has a sense of humor.
Nick Peters recently posted…Can Christians Celebrate Birthdays?
Ha! That’s too funny.
I think too many people want a set formula or series of steps for finding the right person, but there is no substitute for wisdom and discernment. You can’t reduce human relationships to a simplistic formula. There are certainly guidelines that are helpful, but you have to be able to evaluate the other person’s character and make a decision accordingly. The emphasis on method instead of character in many churches and Christian communities has caused many to lack the discernment necessary for making a good choice. And not only do they not know how to evaluate character (beyond a mere checklist), but they don’t even know it’s something they should do. It’s time we got back to learning wisdom instead of formulas.
Lindsay Harold recently posted…The Problem with Public Schools
Yes, I so agree! That’s why I think my last point is really the most important. Learn to recognize Jesus’ voice. Talk to Jesus, and listen to Him. When you know God’s voice, then you’ll be able to discern what to do.
Very good points! Character is everything.
I used to tell my dating friends that had doubts that if they can honestly say they would not want to live without the guy even if all the little personality things or habits that annoy them will never change than that is a good sign. If you hope for some promise of change to happen or if there is something that you can absolutely not accept about him, it’s no good. You can’t marry a guy for the looks and hope to turn his character around. It doesn’t work.
I still remember that when we were dating and were in the middle of 2.5 years of long distance (across two continents) relationship and it was just hard and I yearned to get out because it was so difficult to be so far apart…I sometimes was cringing on my bed from physical pain of missing him. And I couldn’t leave because I knew I don’t want to live without him. That’s when I knew he is the one when I was willing to continue to pay that price!
That’s awesome, Lydia!
First, Sheila, thank you so much for your blog. It has been a tremendous blessing to me in the most difficult period of a 15+ year marriage. Between affairs and long-term porn addiction (fault on both sides of the aisle) and all of this being revealed recently, we’ve desperately needed resources like your blog to help us muddle through.
I do kind of cringe when I hear someone say “I could NEVER have an affair” or “I know he could NEVER have an affair”. I’m living proof of that not being true.
And it’s not just me. In these past months of healing and recovery, I have talked to multiple women (friends and family!) who have had affairs. Women who are in strong, Christian marriages and conservative backgrounds. Women that you would never believe would have an affair. And honestly, every time it’s been a result of discovering a husband’s infidelity/porn addiction. (I’d love to have you write about that some time!!)
I just think we need to be careful to not put ourselves or our spouses/fiancees on such a pedestal that we consider them incapable of certain sins.
Yes, there were a few warning signs that I wish I’d paid attention to all those years ago, but I never would have ever guessed this would be the situation we’d end up in.
You are absolutely right – run to Jesus. Don’t put your hope in people. And don’t live in fear that you’ll miss some warning signs. Seek godly wisdom but put your hope in the Lord. Those things apply whether we’re married or looking for a spouse.
(And, Sheila, I’m serious about wanting an article on the tendency for the betrayed spouse to become the betrayer!)
I should write about that! That’s a great idea. And it is an all too common scenario.
You’re right that there are never guarantees, and I have written about what makes affairs happen before. But at the same time, I think the idea “it can happen to anyone” makes affairs sound like they’re more like the common cold, where they just suddenly and randomly hit people, when instead they’re more like lung cancer. Yes, it is possible for it to hit out of the blue, but it’s far more likely that you did something to cause it, like smoke for decades.
Does that make sense? I should have stressed more likely that it CAN and DOES happen to couples you thought were happy, but I do think that it’s far more likely to happen to couples where character is an issue. And I think making it sound like it could happen to anyone makes people less likely to be picky when they’re engaged (because bad things can happen to anyone, so marriage is a crapshoot, so I don’t have to be discerning), and also it can scare people off of marriage. I have known so many people who have said, “why get married? You never know what can happen!”, when the truth is that in MOST marriages affairs don’t happen.
So maybe here’s what I should have said: to affair proof your marriage takes two steps: First, marry someone with upstanding character. Second, keep that marriage super strong and cling to Jesus. Just because you do the first doesn’t guarantee the second, but if you don’t do #1, then it does make it far more likely that an affair will happen. Does that make sense?
I have to agree with Christine here…. I had no idea my husband had a porn addiction when we were dating. We had been married a while, in fact, when I found out. If there were warning signs back then, I didn’t recognize them. I didn’t even know porn was as prevalent as it was, and I feel like I truly had no way of knowing. Even since I found out, he’s good at hiding it if he wants to. His porn addiction is completely out of character for him, so it’s hard to say that anyone of good character will not act differently that good character at some point and time. That may not be true for everyone, but the opposite also can’t be true for everyone.
you know, someone can have good character and still make mistakes. My husband truly is a good person, but he did make the the mistake of cheating on me one time. There was a lot going on in life that we were both responsible for the situations that led to the cheating. But I forgave and moved on and we really are better than ever. I do NOT condone multiple cheating or long term affairs however. BUT had I not forgiven him, I would be divorced and probably would have aborted the beautiful baby I had JUST found I was carrying.
” If you would never have an affair; if you would never wreck someone’s confidence; if you would never be emotionally abusive, then people like you exist (you’re living proof!). ” Interesting to know I’m living proof that people like me exists. Never thought about it like that. 🙂
I’ve had a few bad experiences but I’m learning and one of the important lessons I’ve had to learn the hard way is that character indeed trumps all, not just theirs now but mine too.
Enjoyed reading this and its pretty enlightening, I’m sure I’m gonna come back and read it again and again. Thank you ma’am.
You’re so welcome, Sherie!
I’m honestly not sure how I feel about that ‘If you exist, they exist’ concept, and here’s why: out culture (even now) still tends to hold men and women to different standards. There is still a pervasive message that girls who are sexually active/sleep around/etc are ‘sluts’ while guys who do the same are ‘just being guys’. Almost a ‘they can’t help themselves’ mentality. Add to that, more guys than girls are likely to have left the church during their teens/20’s (statistics show that girls are more likely to remain within their culture, including church culture, than guys, etc) and pursued unchristian relationships. And I think that altogether that creates an environment where there are a lot more girls who are waiting for marriage than there are guys. They may exist, but I do think they are rarer. For every faithful girl, there isn’t necessarily an equivalent faithful guy. Sad but true.
Yes, I think that’s true. It’s also true that there are more women in the pews than men. That is sad!
I agree and disagree on your point of persons will not magically change when they get married. I agree in that yes it is unwise to expect your spouse to start doing things he was not committed to doing before you got married. In most cases yes I think the person you’re engaged to is the exact person you will marry. I disagree however because in my personal experience my husband has changed A LOT since we got married and when I think back I cannot identify any precursors to these changes before we got married. I was engaged to an introverted musician who was very affectionate. Now I’m married to an up and coming artiste who has tried his best to become an extrovert and whose personality and ego have changed extensively, and the affection went out the window. If you had asked the engaged me if any of that was possible I would tell you no. So yes, there are things that I saw in him before (being untidy for example) that have not changed, and on that point we can agree, and those things I don’t complain about because I know exactly what I got myself into. But the things listed above came out of nowhere. Besides fasting and praying and communicating, what else can someone like me do in this situation?
This one is such a tough pill to swallow for me. I just found out a month ago that my Husband cheated on me while we were engaged. We will be married 29 years in a couple of weeks. We have been going through the discovery of his porn his addiction for about 7 months now. Things keep piling on. Had I known his true character while we were engaged I never would of married him. Never!! But now we have 3 beautiful sons because of our marriage. As far as I know there has been no other physical affair. Though the porn and fantasizing is enough for me. Was enough for me to throw me into a tailspin for not being able to see it. Believing and trusting in him all these years.
Now I am trying to decide where to go from here. Looking back there were some warning signs. So please ladies do not ignore them. Save yourself the pain and anguish that my family is going through right now. Listen and trust your gut always. If he is the right man then he will give you time while you sort out your feelings and your doubts. I wish that I had taken my time and listen to myself. I never ever suspected that he cheated on me. Never. But I should of listened to my gut when it said slow down. Take your time. Maybe the truth would of come out before marriage. Long before 30 years later.
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this, Karla. So sorry. But thank you for sharing and encouraging others. I pray that God will do an amazing work in your marriage!
Karla, I’m so sorry. I first discovered my husband’s porn use about a year and a half ago. He said he wouldn’t do it anymore, and I discovered it again a little over a year ago. The second time was more devastating. That time we started to get counseling, filters, etc, and things started to change for us. There’s still much room for growth, but things are so much better. God has really done some healing in me. Be encouraged! You can recover from this!
Dear Karla and Sheila,
You said, ” Listen and trust your gut always. ” At the time of dating my future husband, I was in a desperate situation, having raised my only son for 10 years alone, unwed, working and homeschooling, living in one situation after another. That 10 years was after 6 years of lone wandering. Coming from a family that didn’t talk about anything and didn’t care about the kids, I was a lost soul. I saw a house, a car, a man with a job. And that is exactly what I got.
“You said, “If he is the right man then he will give you time while you sort out your feelings and your doubts.”
I tried to cut off the engagement twice and my fiancé cried. I think he had dependent emotions and not love. When we talked, and I asked all kinds of questions, and he wouldn’t talk or would be evasive. I couldn’t talk about Bible or spiritual things or anything. I worried greatly about this but didn’t talk to anyone about the problem. I was so motivated to get out of my current live in job and to prove to the world I wasn’t such a loser and could find someone to marry.
I asked at least 6 times if he was willing to take on my son and he said, “Piece of cake”. I asked if he wanted more children and he said, “If they come along, they come along”. Both were lies. After we were married, he said he never wanted children. He hated my son, and 27 years later, still does. For the first few years of marriage, he said many times a week, “Either he goes or I go”.
So at age 13, I sent my son to a Christian summer camp for kids that were in trouble with the law, but the camp would be a pit stop instead of juvenile detention. My son didn’t belong there and couldn’t talk about guarding the cars while kids had sex and other trauma for 6 years. The camp misrepresented itself and I should have sent the man out of the house rather than the son. The son wasn’t the problem. Then my son turned against me and felt rejected.
You wrote: ” I wish that I had taken my time and listen to myself.” ” I should of listened to my gut when it said slow down. Take your time.” Everything I worried about was in place before I got married and I ignored those red lights at every point. Even my father warned me because my fiancé had just become a Christian and was just baptized prior to our engagement.
At soon as we were engaged, I let my fiancé kiss and hold me and sometimes we lied on the bed doing the same. That was the extent of the physical experiences. But we did that instead of talk about things and I thought those feelings when we kissed were love. I was so confused and was reading books about what love is, but couldn’t see my way clearly with this man.
As soon as we were married, the hugs and kissing stopped. There has been no affection for 27 years. No kissing and holding. Sex has only been for orgasm, with little foreplay and no kissing. Then when intercourse hurt slightly, one time 7.5 years ago, my husband wouldn’t talk about sex at all, as had been true since the fist night of marriage, and he decided to do mutual masturbation. Without thinking, five years went by with me doing that for him, on his terms, and the terms were the same through the whole marriage: sexual contact every six weeks or less, only when he wanted it, and just like he wanted it. Then after those five years of mutual masturbation, for the next 1.5 years, he stopped any sexual experiences all together. When I brought up these issues last year, after blowing up about finding him looking at pornography, I forgave him too quickly, and warmed sexually to him, but found my vagina had closed up. When I found the dilator solution; and also found out it is a trust issue; and that sex every 6 weeks or less on his terms is not fulfilling marital obligations; I said we have to work on things, but he wouldn’t talk about anything sexual or work on anything sexual.
At the time of my marriage, I thought marriage would be better than what I had lived through for the previous 16 years. I could only see darkness ahead and opted for the one choice that seemed good. The night of my marriage I cried myself to sleep. No affection, no communication, nothing.
In the early years of marriage, I continued to talk myself into believing that the marriage was all right. People told me, “He’s a good man, he’s a keeper” and I listened. Now I know he hasn’t been a good man. His character leaves much to be desired. When he does things that are wrong, he never owns it and won’t talk about it. Like when I caught him looking at pornography last summer. He said, “It just popped up”. And I knew better. I still don’t trust him after all the lies.
And he is the head elder in our church and gives sermons. My son’s turning away from God began when he saw the hypocrisy and saw the bad treatment he received and I received, but I couldn’t see the bad treatment I was receiving at the time.
I’ve moved into my own bedroom, am reading many books, going to therapy appointments on occasion, and know that I am not going back to the unhappy, unfulfilling relationship.
Yes, I did see the warning signs. Out of my grief I was desperate, and out of desperate decisions comes wrong decisions. So don’t ignore your gut, look at the character issues as real. There are always options in life. There are many ways for God to meet our needs and marriage isn’t always the best option.
Character is absolutely important. What do you do about the person who married a spouse that had really good character and a great track record, but ends up having an affair, looking at porn, or becoming something else terrible? Where those things always there, but the person really didn’t see it? Was the person lying? Or is it just a matter of being a sin issue? I have personally know very upstanding people that end up sexually abusing kids, having affairs, becoming porn addicts, etc. I don’t know if having a good character means someone won’t fall into those things.
Choosing a life partner is such a tough decision. You never know how it will turn out. I think all you can do is make the best choice possible with the information you have, and then cross those other bridges when you get there.
Keelie Reason recently posted…Take Turns Receiving and Giving Pleasure
So you state that a spouse who has an affair does not have good character? My wife of 20-plus years spent the past few years disconnecting from me and pursuing her relationship with Jesus in a big way a couple summers back. But in doing so, it led her into an emotional affair with the youth pastor at our church since she was helping out with the youth ministry and he was helping her listen to the Holy Spirit. So when it was finally exposed this past summer, she told me about how she battled in her heart knowing what she was doing was wrong but at the same time she didn’t want to give up her emotional fantasy because of her disappointment with me an our marriage and how she had quit loving me over the past few years.
So now we have been in counseling the past few months trying to iron out our unhealthy behaviors and communication problems and I am trying and praying my very best to pursue God first (which I had not done myself very well during the first 20 years of marriage and had sunk everything into my wife, smothering her and making her No. 1 over God that she couldn’t stand the neediness. And yes, I struggled for a couple years, too, with the character flaw of viewing internet porn before stopping when realizing it was not healthy).
So a lot of hurt and pain on both parts. I am just trying to wrap my head around not dwelling but learning from the past, resting in God in the present and being as hopeful as I can about the future. Please just pray for us because we have a very, very long road ahead to make this marriage right and beautiful again in God’s eyes!
The fact is, no one really can know what they’re getting into before they marry. Yes, the obvious clues can be seen early, like their lying and justifying it, and porn use, maybe even knowing they cheated on a spouse before they met you, or, god forbid, with you. But otherwise, no, you can’t know you’re marrying the wrong person before you live as a couple for maybe years.
My husband was and still is, the sweetest, most affectionate man i’ve known. I have had bad relationships, and when I met him, I honestly thought God gave him to me, it was that good. But in the 10 yrs we’ve been married, he has cheated at least once, in a long term affair. He has abused porn and neglected me in the bedroom, he lies about everything. I never wanted to change him, I was crazy about him just as he was. so, no, there’s no way to know what will happen in the future. You really have to learn something about yourself, you have to decide, “am I strong enough that if this marriage fails, or my spouse breaks my heart, will I recover and still be able to live my life?” you can’t know what someone else will do, but you can know if you will handle it.
I think a good way to discern character not a perfect track record, but the person’s attitude.
Heidelberg catechism Question 81. For whom is the Lord’s supper instituted?
Answer. For those who are truly sorrowful for their sins, and yet that these are forgiven them for the sake of Christ; and that their remaining infirmities are covered by his passion and death; and who also earnestly desire to have their faith more and more strengthened, and their lives more holy; but hypocrites, and such as turn not to God with sincere hearts, eat and drink judgment to themselves
So how do you know the person is not a hypocrite? 1) They are truly sorrowful of their sin 2) they know they are forgiven for the sake of Christ they 3) earnestly desire to have their faith strengthened and 4) they repent (which means to turn away from their sin).
About point 1 – they are earnestly sorrowful for their sin. Not the negative consequences of their sin or the discomfort being caught causes them. The actual sin. They recognize it is sin and an offence against God and a slight to His Glory. They are truly sorrowful. Dude #1 was not sorrowful. He tried to justify his sin. He did not even try to repent. He might not even have recognized lying as sin.
Calling it diplomacy is nonsense: Let’s say someone asks you how she looks in a dress she wants to buy and she honestly looks terrible
a) the “brutally honest” answer: You look terrible
b) the diplomatic answer: I don’t think that dress flatters you or Let’s try this dress
c) the bold-faced lie: You look great!
Answer a) is hurtful. You don’t need that kind of honesty in your life. Answer c) is a bold-faced lie. You don’t need that in your life either. Diplomacy =/ lying. And “brutal honesty” seems to be an excuse for meanness more often than not.
I would recommend reading Timothy Keller’s the Meaning of Marriage and Gary Thomas’s Sacred Marriage and Sacred Search. Also Each for the Other
I was a bit nervous about marrying my fiancé at first. But I’ve read about 6 marriage books and he did not display a single red flag in mentioned in any of the books. So I married him. He’s messy and he’s not perfect. But I am confident he has good character.
Also, community. Get to know his friends and his family. See how he treat’s his co-workers, his boss, his grandma, his cousins, animals, his nephew’s and nieces, the restaurant wait staff, disabled people. Is his behaviour consistent? What does his pastor say about him? How does he react to stress? How does he react to disappointment? How does he cope with unexpected problems? It’s pretty easy to lie for a few hours a day. It’s pretty difficult to lie to everyone 24/7. Even sociopaths slip up.
Love this! So helpful. Thank you!
I’m in the camp of commenters who married someone with good character. I never thought he would cheat on me, he knew my father had multiple affairs and how much that hurt the entire family. But I found out two years ago that my husband had had one long term emotional and physical affair and several physical affairs. surprising myself I chose to stay with him. We entered marriage counseling and have been going for nearly two years now. Then about six months ago he admitted another physical affair, while we were in counseling. Through all this I knew he had used porn but never realized he extent of it. He had even gone to a weekend intensive therapy group for it. He justified the first set of affairs because in his mind I was denying him sex (we were having sex 2-3 times a week so there was no sexual denial on my part). He had pulled away from our marriage and I could see the divided growing greater and greater. The affair that happened during our counseling was his wake up call, he hit rock bottom. He finally could see he has a sexual addiction problem and starting to get help for it. I think pride has kept him from truly getting down to his real issues. He is a man of good character who has an addiction. Had I known the extent of the porn use before we married I would not have married him. But that is something so easy to hide with Internet porn these days. There were no red flags, there were no inappropriate relationships with women (that I knew about), I was totally blindsided when I discovered the affairs. We are still working through tons of stuff. There are still days when I wonder if staying with him was the right thing to do. He knows if he has another affair I will leave him. My level of trust is non existent at this point. We are still in counseling and even started the Love Dare Bible stuff at our church. I’m in a holding pattern right now. I know he loves me, but I don’t trust he won’t hurt me again. Your statement about knowing someone would never have an affair really hit me hard. That is something you can think you know someone would never do because that is the character you see in your spouse but it’s not something anyone could ever say with complete certainty.
Thank you for sharing that, TB. All these comments are starting to making me wonder! I’m so glad that you’re in counseling, but I do think that holding off from totally trusting him is likely very wise right now. He has to really deal with that addiction, and to rush trust is never a good idea. Prayers for you!
All of this is really wonderful advice. I would add to it two and a half things:
1) Let people you trust tell you what they think, and LISTEN to them. Don’t shut them down for being “unsupportive.” If they truly love you, they want you to be happy, and they won’t be blinded by emotion.
2) Recognize that the fantasy of getting a bad boy (or girl) to change for you is a trap from the pit of hell.
2 1/2) (Because Sheila already alluded to this one): Be the kind of person you want to marry. Not the gendered things, obviously. But live the character you’re looking for. Too many people’s search for “the right person” is a selfish search for the person who will put up with all their crap, and in return shower them with nothing but roses and sunshine. That’s cruel. Be what you want to find. Ask Jesus for help when you realize you can’t live up to that standard.
That’s all. But great stuff here, Sheila!
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Great thoughts, Keith! I totally agree about listening to others’ input. So important!
I cannot make any guarantees about anyone’s character. I’ve lived long enough to see things that defy explanation. The devil is a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour and sometimes he gets us. But God is greater than the devil.
People change all the time – sometimes for the better and sometimes for the worse.
I would say as with every decision in life – know the Word, know yourself, pray, seek wise counsel and if you’re second guessing or if there’s any doubt – pause, wait, hold.
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Thank you for the support.
I did want to add never give up your faith. That was my biggest mistake in our marriage. I turned my Husband into #1. Not God. We stopped going to Church. I should of continued if he wasn’t going to go.
We did have the marriage that everyone envied. That just fueled his porn use apparently. If everyone saw how much he loved me then how could he be doing anything wrong?
I didn’t get to know his family. He came from a very broken family. I only got to meet his Mother who to this day I have come to love dearly. But that was one lie. He had originally told me she was dead. Denied that part of his life even existed. Apparently with the porn addiction that is very common.
He was a “bad boy” turned good for me. He gave up drinking and partying for me. he started going to Church with me because I was so passionate about it. He wanted to be a part of it. After I let him become my “God” that changed.
We are in counseling, support groups and trying our hardest to make it through this. 30 years is alot to throw away. The hardest for me is finding my way back to God. I will say Sheila your site has really helped us. I have purchased 2 of your books. I look forward to one day seeing you live. You have given my Husband a whole new view on sex in marriage. God’s view. You have given me a new view as well. There are things that after all these years that I thought I was doing so right I realize I was so wrong.
I don’t know if we will make it through this. I don’t know if I can get past the betrayals. We shall see. Right now my trauma levels are very high and I am being treated for them. Had the disclosure process gone more honestly and not been dragged out for over 7 months not to mention the 30 years maybe I wouldn’t be where I am.
I pray that all the young women listen to your advice. Take their time. Pray about it over and over. God will lead them in the right direction. Always keep God first.
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Thank you for sharing your story, Karla. I am praying for you!
Thank you, Faith.
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Some of these comments are a bit discouraging… it almost seems as though no man can be trusted. 🙁
Yes, I know, but I don’t fundamentally think that’s true. I do believe that anybody can make a mistake, but there’s a difference between making one mistake and fundamentally becoming a whole different character. I think we CAN know someone’s character. I really do. I am fully confident in so many of my friends and my family. I really am. And everyone who has ever turned out badly around me–I was never truly surprised. I do think we can know someone’s heart. And I believe that when we know God, we usually really sense it.
Thank you, Sheila! As usual, your words are such an encouragement. <3
Thanks so much shiela for addressing this. Just dat some people are good at hiding their true selves till they think the deal is almost sealed and dats after you’ve invested your heart. And to think I was careful to make sure I only dated ‘commited Christians’. To be fair, just two but It’s so discouraging. Have at some point wondered if there were really young Christian men at this age that didn’t have self control/porn/lust issues.
“Quite frankly, I don’t believe it. I think they’re trying to absolve themselves of the responsibility of choosing poorly, and they’re putting all the blame on their husbands.”
No way. Of course your divorced friends say they saw the warning signs – there’s a reason we say “Hindsight is 20/20.” Because it can take *years* to get the picture of the true man (or woman), to compare your puzzle pieces to.
I’ve written and deleted 2 comments already. They were too depressing. So I’ll just say:
Of *course* there are red flags in a lot of instances, but sometimes sin creeps in later and more stealthily.
I don’t know what that means for young singles now. I struggle with anxiety for my children.
Thanks for the topic. I recommend looking deeply and honestly at your fiancé ‘s relationship with his mother. If they are from a broken home and don’t treat their mother well, I would suggest moving on. His relationship with his mother would be the most profound way to view his character. I understand people can overcome difficult backgrounds, but only if they acknowledge and have true insight into their background. My now husband had divorced parents, strained family life. He said his faith got him through, I admired him for that. Unfortunately, when facing our own challenges in married life, he treats me just like his mother… That is he views me as the problem he needs faith to overcome… Very destructive. We are still together & will remain so, God willing, for the sake of our children. But I was do naive…
Wonder what you all think of a guy who says he’s a committed Christian but doesn’t seem to get along with other genuin christian male friends. Would rather hang out with guys with questionable characters. And would sit and listen to their stories of their sexcapades. But claims he’s morally strong. Then he’d stare at the backside of a lady standing infront of him. Called his attention but he claimed she was just blocking his view and there was no other place to look. He’d also just keep staring at beautiful women that pass him. And chat up a lady saying things like ‘I care about you’. But he claims it’s just internet that he wouldn’t do it physically. And that it happened while he was still not in a relationship. But the thing is he actually has no intentions of pursuing a committed relationship with those ladies. Just wants some form of emotional connection. Then he has many unsaved numbers in his phone. Some chats dat he deletes. Just want to know whether these are really things to be worried about or are my standards just ‘higher than those of the pharisees'( as someone once said).
Anon, I would say your standards are right, not “higher than those of the Pharisees.” The guy you describe sounds like he will only get worse. I would be very leery. As Sheila says, trust your gut. Really pray and ask God to guide you.
Hi Sheila, I posted a comment here a few days which you replied to and then I asked a few further questions, but now I cannot find my post. Any idea what has happened? I was really looking forward to your advice. Thanks Alison
Alison–I did a theme update on Sunday-Monday and things that were posted in about an 18 hour period disappeared! So sorry. With the transition the stuff that was put up then didn’t make it over again.
Hi Sheila, thanks for the reply and the explanation, I was wondering what had happened! I can’t remember my entire message so I will just ask some key questions I still had concerns about .
I appreciated your advice by the way and I like that you saw hope in the situation although it did come with a clear warning too which I appreciated. My boyfriend has decided to go for counselling and starts next week.
I guess one of the questions I have is, can the level of pornography watched affect a future sex life (we are both wanting to wait till marriage for sex). My boyfriend has watched lesbian sex. It really hurts because as a Christian that act is an abomination in the eyes of God. The irony is that he does not agree with gays and lesbians but here he has watched it. Is this a red flag?
I also wanted to know in the dating process how much checking up on his computer history I can do, with his permission of course. I did ask the other day and he said it was fine but his computer is set to delete his history records. He saw my concern in the matter and immediately agreed to change the settings so I could veiw his history. I don’t want to trust blindly and then be hurt later on if we decide to get married.
Another question I have is what relationship if any should he be having with these ‘friends’ he went to the Bucks night with and saw strippers with. They don’t appear to be close friends but truthfully I wouldn’t feel comfortable with him hanging around them and I certainly wouldn’t want to include them in our social group. I just feel if he couldn’t stand up and leave when the strippers came then those friends were a poor influence.
I do love and care for this man but I am willing to walk away if this is not the right relationship for me. He is caring, respectful, kind, open and many other lovely traits towards me, but what sort of ‘fruits’ do I need to be looking out for to know he’s truly changed?
And do you think it would be wise to step aside from the relationship for a few months until he has had proper counselling?
Lots of questions I know but I so appreciated your wise advice. Thanks
Ps my boyfriend and I are in our mid 30s. He is paralysed from the waist down and he’s never had a girlfriend until me. In fact before he met me he was at a point in his life where he thought no one would love and accept him, and so I think part of his compromising, watching porn and strippers stemmed from that. But most of all he says he was longing for a relationship and companionship
Hey Sheila, I have a question for you. What If you DID marry the “wrong guy”? I had a bad gut feeling before my husband and I got married. After we got married, he had another bout with drugs. He had a history of addiction, but was clean when he and I were together (as far as I knew). He had 2 stints with drugs and has since been through numerous treatments. To my knowledge, he is clean even now. Now I attribute the gut feeling to his bout with drugs and I would have never married him knowing he was still struggling with them. He isn’t now, but it is hard to trust him with certain things. He has a good character according to what you’ve written in this post. He would never cheat or abuse, but he has lied. It is obviously unbiblical to leave my husband (I don’t want to do that anyway!) but my lack of trust is affecting our intimacy and I know he is trying hard to prove I can trust him. Where should I go from here?
I’m afraid I strongly object to your portrayal of abusers, both from research and my own/ other’s experiences. Lundy Bancroft runs court ordered groups for batterers, where he found out over the course of thirty years that these men were far more likely to be the sensitive, caring, attuned boyfriends before marriage than normal men. They saw it as a kind of game, and bragged about their methods. His advice in ‘Why does he do that?’ is avoid men who seem too good to be true. Average men aren’t perfectly attuned to you:they slip up because it’s not a long con to them. I married a seminary grad who was my pastor’s best friend –after encouraging me during dating for my desire to wait on sex, he ridiculed my complete lack of experience in the honeymoon. He screamed at me until I would repeat whatever he told me, even if it was obviously not true, but would revert back to attentive spouse at bible studies– sometimes after threatening me on the way there. Everyone thinks like you, unfortunately. That’s why mine is a common experience in churches. They called me a liar, and shunned me forever after once I broke down and told. They said I had no right to leave since no one really changes that much. I still wonder if they would have believed if I’d dropped my pants to show the bruises. Within months they were encouraging him to go back into the ministry — abusers are amazing liars. I’ve heard the same stories from a hundred women since, and many if not most say their husbands were better boyfriends than others they had. Nicer. Don’t make a proclamation that could shame a woman into staying in a dangerous situation when you haven’t done the research. There’s plenty of it out there. The whole reason men get away with abuse is that their behavior doesn’t make sense.
Be careful that confirmation bias doesn’t lead to bad advice. You have a good marriage? Wonderful! But that doesn’t mean that it’s because you had better character than the women you say are lacking in discernment. If a man lies and you don’t catch him at it, you will be hurt. And that’s not your fault. Some of the most godly, discerning, compassionate women i know have been abused by their husbands — who are pastors, seminarians, youth leaders. People everyone said were a catch. Sociopaths are hard to catch, because they lie and have no qualms about it. Actors, but in real life.
Anna, that’s really interesting, and thank you for sharing your story. I may email you separately and see if you’d like to guest post for me!