If you fall out of love with your husband and decide to divorce him, will you lose your salvation?
Every Monday I like to post a reader question, and today’s is a heavy one from a woman who thinks she has finally found true love–just not with her husband. And she wonders if divorcing her husband and getting together with the man she loves will make her lose her salvation. She writes:
Reader Question
I am in my early 30s, married for 6 years with a 4-year-old. My husband and I are both Christians.
When I met my husband I was engaged to someone else. I ended the engagement and a few months later I started dating my now-husband.
We have struggled our entire marriage with intimacy, both sexual and emotional. The level of immaturity when it comes to sex is almost unable to be described. After six years of marriage my husband still cannot walk into a room where I am changing and not be uncomfortable. I have always felt as if we have zero connection, and my husband recognizes this as well. He has even admitted to me recently that he has always been guarded with what he will and will not show of himself to me, as he doesn’t want to scare me away. He will rarely disagree, rarely argue, and generally goes a long with whatever I say to avoid confrontation. To me that partly explains the lack of connection, I don’t truly know him.
I wake up each day feeling as if I am living a lie. We have been on the verge of separation/divorce a couple of times. We have attended counseling, once with a pastor. We were nicer to one another after those sessions, but the connection never came. I have been very honest about how I feel and have worked diligently to fix it. On top of this, I have always been very clearly still in love with my ex from the very beginning, about which I have also been honest.
I recently ran into my ex, we talked for several hours. We both instantly felt the connection that we have. For the first time in years I caught a glimpse of hope that happiness might be in the cards for me. And if that wasn’t bad enough, in a moment of weakness, we both gave in to our desires and had sex.
I have come clean to my husband. He wants to work it out and says that he will change and do whatever he needs to do to make this work. I have told him that I don’t think I do. Is it really right to stay together for appearances sake just because we are Christian? Is that the example we want to set forth for our child? I have read all of the scripture passages on divorce, and I know that my husband could safely be released in the eyes of God because of my affair with no fear of losing his salvation. But is that the case for me? Could I ever remarry? I cannot live in a loveless marriage any longer. But is it worth taking the chance that I may lose my salvation?
Okay, I’ve got to warn all my readers: I’m not going to be very “nice” in my response. Perhaps I should have more empathy; I don’t know. But beware of what’s ahead. It’s true. It’s real. And it’s not pretty.
Here goes:
(and note, what I am saying does not apply to women in abusive marriages; I’m writing to a woman who wants to blow up her marriage just for her own happiness. Abuse or addictions, including emotional abuse, is an entirely different scenario, and I invite you to read my posts on discerning if you’re being abused instead, or this post on what to do if your husband uses porn.)
My dad probably thought he’d never find happiness either if he stayed with my mom and me. He struggled over what was the right thing to do. In fact, likely because he struggled, he felt better about himself. He could argue that at least he understood the gravity of what he was doing.
But he still left. And it caused tremendous baggage for me. Tremendous. It’s only been as I’ve been married for years that I’ve started to heal from it.
What he did was incredibly selfish. He decided that his happiness mattered more than my security.
And he decided that my mother’s happiness didn’t matter at all to him, because she was no longer making him happy. How could he live a lie?
Whoa. Reality check here.
When we ask the question, “how can I live a lie?”, we’re simply trying to justify ourselves.
“If I stay I’m lying; If I leave, I’m walking in truth.”
I’m sorry, but that is such crap (wow, I don’t think I’ve ever said that on this blog before!). Do you know what a lie is? It’s promising to do something and then not following through.
If you leave, you are living a lie. You are telling everybody in the world, including your child, “my word means nothing.” You are saying, “my feelings matter far more than my responsibilities to other people.”
We have flipped everything on its head, thinking that the only TRUE and GOOD thing to do is to follow one’s heart. That is NEVER the way that goodness is defined in Scripture. Goodness is doing the right thing, not pursuing happiness.
Stop justifying leaving by saying, “my child needs a better example”
Yes, your child does need a better example–an example of a mom who will say, “I made a commitment and I care about my family, and so I’m going to throw myself into trying to fix myself, rather than trying to fix my husband.”
A parent who chooses to be selfless and chooses to love a spouse–that is a great example.
What your child needs is not your happiness but your steadfastness
Studies have repeatedly shown that children do better growing up with unhappy parents in stable situations than with happy parents in unstable situations. The only time a child actually does better when parents divorce is if that divorce was abusive. Otherwise, children do better if the parents stick together–even if those parents are unhappy.
Divorce is one of the worst things you can do to a child. You break up their world and force them to live between two worlds, while you yourself can go on with the life that you chose. If you choose to divorce, you choose your happiness over your child’s happiness. Your child deserves to be with her dad–a man who is obviously loyal and steadfast and patient, whatever else he may be.
A parent who chooses to be selfless and chooses to love a spouse–that is a great example.
But here’s the good news: when you decide to commit to your marriage, you’re far more likely to find personal happiness! In Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher’s book The Case for Marriage, they show that divorce does not lead to happiness. They looked at couples who rated their marriages a 7 or 8 (the absolute worst) on a scale of 1-8. Five years later, those who stayed together were far more likely to express personal happiness than those who divorced. In fact, 78% of them now rated their marriage as a 1 or a 2!
So don’t think you’ll never find happiness. But you’re far LESS likely to find happiness in the long run if you leave.
Feelings do not make long-term happiness. Look at your feelings for this guy: You got engaged. You broke up. Now you want to get engaged again. That’s not exactly a good track record on your own personal judgment. You’d be far better trying to find happiness where you are right now–both for you and your child.
Stop Being So Honest
Your marriage has been on the verge of splitting several times, according to your story. And most of it, according to you, is because your husband is so distant and won’t open up to you.
But you also told him that you’re still in love with your ex–and it seems you told him that a while ago.
Maybe, just maybe, your husband has had a hard time being vulnerable with you because he can’t trust you!
Why would you ever tell your husband you’re in love with your ex? All you did was to transfer your own pain onto your husband.
Yes, honesty is good, but nowhere in the Bible does it ever say that we need to share everything that’s on our hearts. In fact, Ecclesiastes 3:7 says that there is “a time to be silent and a time to speak.”
You promised to love your husband. It is not loving to say to your husband, “I love someone else.” It is loving to tell a girlfriend and ask her to pray for you and hold you accountable; it is loving to decide to “take every thought captive” and when thoughts of your ex come in, refuse to entertain them; it is loving to show love to your husband even if you’re not always feeling it. But telling him you love someone else? Not loving. Full honesty is not always the best policy in marriage.
Do You Have a Difficult Time Standing up to your Husband?
God wants us aiming for His will. That sometimes will mean that we need to confront our husbands when they’re doing something wrong.
Struggle with how to do that? Are boundaries a difficult concept for you? 9 Thoughts can help!
But will you lose your salvation?
I’m glad you asked that, because it shows that you know that what you’re thinking of doing is totally wrong, and that gives me hope that you will change your mind. I’ll just give you a few Bible verses to chew on which speak to the severity of deciding to do something you know God doesn’t want you to do:
If we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received the knowledge of the truth, no sacrifice for sins is left.
What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? By no means! We are those who have died to sin; how can we live in it any longer?
I do believe that there is grace afterwards, as I wrote on why I think remarriage is okay in some situations. But to mess up and then repent is completely different than to deliberately turn your back on God, hoping that He’ll still rescue you later. God isn’t a cuddly Santa Claus; He is a righteous, holy God who has made a way for us to be reconciled through His Son being flogged, nailed to a tree, enduring horrible pain, dying, and rising again. If you decide “I know all that, but I want to follow my own happiness anyway,” then you don’t really appreciate what Jesus did for you.
Ultimately you get to choose which kind of person you will be
Will you be the kind who says to your child, “I know what I’m about to do will cause you major long term harm, but I don’t love you enough to sacrifice for you, because I need to be happy,” or the kind of person who will say to your child, “I love you. I am going to do the right thing, believing that that has its own reward. I’m going to do my best to get myself happy and to live out my commitments.”
If you had to choose one of those people to be your best friend, your mom, or your boss, which one would you choose?
We all know, don’t we? We’d choose the selfless one. So why do we think that it’s okay for us to be selfish?
Let’s stop kidding ourselves that we are somehow morally superior if we leave a marriage so that we can stop “living a lie”. Let’s instead choose to be a better person. Let’s choose to do what’s right. Let’s act love, even if we don’t always feel it, and take those thoughts captive rather than entertaining them, and maybe, just maybe, we’ll find happiness was right in front of us the whole time.
These posts may also help:
How to stop an emotional affair
Living in a loveless marriage
Having trouble with how to stop THINKING about the other guy and start thinking positively about your husband?
Don’t see how you could EVER feel love for your husband again?
You don’t have to be stuck in unhappiness at all! In 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, I show how you just making small changes in how you think and act towards your husband can change the whole dynamic, and get you on the road towards a happy marriage once again. It isn’t hopeless! Please try.
Learn more about the book here.
When You Need to Have Hard Conversations:
I know that post was rough to get through, but I’d love to know your thoughts. Let’s discuss in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
There is a Bible verse speaks of this
“For it is by grace you have been saved through faith and this not from yourselves but it’s a gift of God not by works so that no one can boast.”
So no you will not lose your salvation.
Matt, I think the question is does someone really have salvation when they just intentionally, not a momentary weakness, but spend 12-18 months it would take to get a divorce, specifically tell God to go take a hike who cares what You say, I am going to do this anyway. Very different from an affair, even an ongoing affair. There does not seem to be a real love of God and real desire to be close to Him and to love Him. Even in the pain. I think Shelia’s verses are closer to the truth in this case: Hebrews 10:26, Romans 6:1-2.
Also Galatians 5:21 I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.
People who as a regular, unrepentant course of their life embrace sin will not inherit the kingdom of God. Not because of works, but because it is obvious they have not been born again and given a new heart. And yes, given, not earned. I don’t mean someone who struggles with besetting sin, but someone who just embraces and accepts a lifestyle of sin is not regenerated.
Dietrich Bonhoeffer talks about this extensively, and about cheap grace in the Cost of Discipleship
Thank you for saying this! I couldn’t agree more.
THANK YOU! You said exactly what I have been trying to teach re-married couples for over 20 years! It is so difficult today to get across the idea that “til death do us part” is a serious vow, not just a nice platitude. I have ministered to broken and breaking families since 1996, and the hardness of hearts is stunning. I will share your article with everyone who reads my blog, my website, and my Facebook page. You are doing a wonderful service. Now, let’s pray they will listen.
My question isn’t will she lose her salvation, but rather is she saved to begin with? God will judge that, but we can look at fruit and see if the Holy Spirit is working in her.
The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. (Galatians 5)
Look to 1 Corinthians 13 to get an even more in depth look at what love is.
As someone who has experienced infidelity on BOTH sides of my marriage, it sounds like a good idea but causes much harm to the family. Praising God that my husband and I worked it out with the power of the gospel and have come out of ashes with a beautiful marriage and stronger love. And with grateful children who know what could have happened to their lives.
Reading the letter the focus seems to be all on your husband. But what about you? What is going on in YOUR heart that is causing you to look to a new exciting relationship for love, happiness, and validation? You did it once before, and now you’re wanting to do it again? Sweetie, that’s a pattern, and unless you get to the root of why you have this pattern, it’s probably going to happen again. You broke off your engagement with your ex and ran to another man, and now you want to get a divorce from THAT man to run back to your ex…that is not going to heal you. Not now, not ever.
You keep saying you have to be honest. Be honest with yourself. What is it within YOU that needs healing?
This! This is EXACTLY what I was thinking the entire time I was reading the reader queustion. She is spending a lot of energy laying blame on her husband, but has not truly taken an introspective look. What caused her to leave her ex to go to her husband if she never stoppeed loving the ex and never really loved the husband? There is something personal and inside of her that she is lacking. She should seek counseling to find herself and release her own hurtful spirit.
Thank you!!! Thank you!!! I realise you will not win a popularity contest with this post. But it is the truth and must have taken courage to not sugar coat.
My heart goes out to this lady though. Yes, she has a tough road to walk. And her stumblings made it more difficult. I can only hope she does the right thing and realise, failure is not fatal (yet).
I completely agree with you Sheila! Love in marriage is a choice. I hope the woman takes time to really see what is going on with her. Her past actions/thoughts seem to indicate there is more baggage that she may need to deal with than her husband. Our society is crumbling under the thought process of “if it FEELS good to you, it must be right”.
Sometimes the truth hurts, but hopefully it will get her thinking more deeply.
Awesome response.
I’m sorry that this wife is struggling so, what a difficult thing to deal with. But right is still right and wrong is still wrong.
By allowing herself to fall into the sin of having sex with this other man she has given her mind yet another comparison. And when you’re looking for the worst in your own husband, that’s the last thing you need.
I would tell her to PRAY. Pray hard. For God to take away those desires and replace them with a desire for her husband-or at least a desire to desire him!
It’s so hard but it’s possible. With God!!!
Perfect response, Sheila. Just the right amount of hard truth and tough love, with hope for the future. I hope this woman hears the truth in your words.
I love this line: We have flipped everything on its head, thinking that the only TRUE and GOOD thing to do is to follow one’s heart. That is NEVER the way that goodness is defined in Scripture. Goodness is doing the right thing, not pursuing happiness.
“Following one’s heart” is one of those worldly truths that is really a lie. But it sounds so good, like most of the devil’s lies. It’s easy for me to start believing it, but I know it must be a lie when the real truth is spoken and it resonates with my soul.
It sounds to me as if wife is hoping her husband will divorce her so that she can be free to live in her sin. The sin began when she married her husband while in love with her ex. –A form of adultery (in the mind) that later became adultery by her own admission when they had sex. When she chose to marry her husband, she should have also chosen to put the ex out of her mind and sever all contact with him. Become one with her husband.
In the Old Testament Law, Yahweh outlines sin offerings. But if you look closely at what the Scripture says, the sin offerings are for “accidental” sins. Not deliberate, premeditated sins. Yes, Jesus died on the cross as the ultimate sacrifice, but his death was not so that we could go on sinning.
It is not our place to determine whether this woman will lose her salvation. Only Yahweh will determine that. But nowhere in Scripture are we given a license to sin.
I don’t know if you have control over your advertisers, but there was one for a divorce attorney at the end of your article. :/
Oh, dear! I try to stop them from coming through. If you ever see something really odd again, send me a screenshot and I’ll pass it along! Whoops.
You do speak truth. My husband and almost got a divorce for the same lack of connection and we were just so frustrated. I’m a lay it all out in the table kind of peeson, my husband is not. I had a friend tell me to write down all the things my husband did or didn’t do that contributed to my unhappiness. Easy. Done. No problem, nice long detailed list. Then she said, write a list of all you have done to help remedy these issues, nagging and complaining doesn’t count. The answer was that I hadn’t. I wasn’t fun, I expressed my unhappiness at every turn and I expected him to make me happy. That’s just not how it works. So my husband and I put in the work. It’s so easy to focus on what you don’t like that you over look all the great stuff. If the lady who asked the question reads this, from my own experience, the answer that tolovehonorandvacuum have you is true. Don’t be afraid to look at yourself as less than perfect, what you have with your husband can grow into something amazing if you’ll help feed it. My prayers go out to you and your husband.
Well, that comment was a hot mess. So sorry, I can’t figure out how to go back and edit it. I posted from my phone. :/
My husband and I were at this point 9 years ago, when my son was 3. I had married him because I was pregnant, we were nothing alike, and I just wanted to run.
I stayed, because even though I didn’t see love when my looked at me, it shined out of him when he looked at our son. And I saw my son, the one I had been told at 16 I could never have, my miracle baby, shine with joy when he saw his dad. I stayed to see that love.
9 years, 4 marriage counselors, and a lot of hard work, we are still here. Still fighting on. And now i can say I truely love my husband. Now I see the same love he had for my son when he looks at me. And when I look at him I see what my son did.
Do I still want to strangle him sometimes? 9 days out of 10. But when I do, I chose to look past it. To fight out out if necessary, but to duo it right, with the goal of restoration and healing, not just being right. And I have a marriage I would have never dreamed was possible
I also only married my husband because I was pregnant. I sobbed in front of him all he way to the ceremony. Sometimes I think I should have taken that as a sign to not get married! Anyway, 13 years later here we are. He is very nice. I try my best to be a good wife to him. The problem is I can’t fake admiration and attraction. I can go through the motions with everything else. I can force actions but not feelings. Too bad it’s not possible to always hide what’s on the inside. I wish there was a course on how to be phony.
Lorna, please excuse me for putting in my 2 cents worth. Since God works on the inside of us, I hope you’ll pray that God will change you in whatever way is necessary so that you can love your husband and he you.
Love is not an emotion. Love is more often than not, an act of the will.
I hope you seek Christian counseling. I say Christian because we all know what the world would say.
That’s so wonderful, Monica! Thanks so much for sharing!
Thank you for speaking up! My mom did this to our family and it took her over 20 YEARS to find the right guy and finally be happy! And we kids suffered BIG time from the constant boyfriend changes, not seeing our dad, and him being so broken that he fell hard into alcoholism and became abusive. The damage is not repairable! And we still have some stuff to work out. I’ve been married 20 years. My husband witnessed years of what my mom was doing and how broken it caused us kids to become. There’s no stability after you break the marriage and trust me, your kids KNOW you’re being a selfish jerk and they’ll have to find a way to forgive you someday. And the risk of your child being molested by a stepparent or new boyfriend increases significantly. We were put in dangerous situations. There was NO stability, moved and moved and moved. Your marriage vows are a covenant between you and your spouse and God. Like Sheila said, if you’re worrying about your salvation then you KNOW what you are about to do is WRONG. Fix your marriage. Cut off contact with this other man and start acting like a real woman with integrity and moral character.
AND THE TWO SHALL BECOME ONE FLESH; so they are no longer two, but one flesh. 9″What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate.” Mark 10:8-9
Amen! Preach it sister! (And what you said about abuse is totally true–girls have a 25 times HIGHER chance of being sexually abused when stepfathers/boyfriends are in the picture.)
Yes! The brokenness carries on into other generations as well. Even if you have a great marriage, your children will feel the brokenness of a blended family from their grandparents. That’s what we are dealing with from both my side and my husband’s side. It is so confusing for our children.
I also struggled with having feelings for another man years ago. I felt like my husband didn’t love me and was only staying in the marriage because he was comfortable. What helped change was a lot of counseling and changing of attitudes on BOTH sides and also I started looking honestly at the other man at all HIS faults and shortcomings. The other man will NOT make you happy. YOU have to make YOU happy. I don’t think someone should live in a completely loveless marriage. But you should not give up either until you have tried everything to fix it! We did. It is really hard work, that we both struggle with everyday.
Great response. The truth is a powerful weapon! I hope she’ll face her truth and decide to stick it out.
It’s almost a decease in today’s culture that whole “live true to our feelings.” Feelings are such a tricky thing and often lie to us too. To live based on your feelings is immature and often dangerous. On the other hand doing the right thing no matter how you feel and stick to your commitments is maturity. The feelings should be the last wagon on your “heart train” not the engine that pulls the entire train! If you choose to act love you’ll feel it in the end.
Yes! Exactly! It’s SO immature. Isn’t this what we try to teach our children–do things even if they don’t always want to? Isn’t that the definition of maturity–to see beyond your feelings to the ultimate good?
It is very obvious that you have never been in a terrible, unfulfilling marriage. Try being married for 26 years to a man who has a couple of personality disorders. Try watching your children, because you decided to stay, not have ANY idea how to be married OR have a normal relationship with a significant other due to not learning how from watching their parents. You have offended me to no end. NO ONE can tell anyone to stay in a loveless, unfulfilling wrong marriage and I resent your trying to do so.
Oh, Missy, I’m so sorry that you are such an awful situation. But I think if you go back and look again, you’ll see that Sheila is addressing someone who has NO reason other than her own selfish desires to be thinking about some other man and considering ending her marriage. Neither partner has any kind of disorder or issue that would bring chaos to the marriage.
I pray that you can find a solution to your situation, but it’s really not fair to compare yours to what’s going on in this woman’s situation.
Personality disorders can result in abuse. If the person with the disorder will not seek help, and continues to be abusive, if that is the case, and especially with children involved, it is right to divorce.
A sad situation. Many disorders can be controlled. But, you, or I, or anyone other than the patient, have no control over the one in question.
Personally wish I did. I can only pray that the Lord will speak to the heart.
Now…AMEN! My GOD does not want any of us to feel unloved, treat another without love or teach our children what a marriage SHOULD NOT look or feel like…
I am a Christian. I am divorced. I chose to finally choose ME and GOD and my daughter. I prayed. I asked for signs. I meditated and listened. GOD was there for me. HIS PLAN was clear and I followed. My daughter is almost 16. She is doing absolutely, wonderfully! She is well adjusted, well liked, involved, funny, respectful, kind, thoughtful, smart, etc… Children of divorce fair as well as the parents allow. (Just as children who are not from divorce!) If the adults, co-parent with respect and love towards each other, considering and acting upon their child’s best interests…their children will be adjusted, smart and well rooted. (Same for children not of divorce!)
I read most of the comments, Many of the comments, are dripping in human judgment, based upon fear and supported by the OLD TESTAMENT! GOD IS LOVE! He loves this woman and wants her to be happy. She and GOD will figure this out together! The rest of us imperfect mortals need to simply pray for all of the individuals involved!
TEW: Now…AMEN! My GOD does not want any of us to feel unloved, treat another without love or teach our children what a marriage SHOULD NOT look or feel like…
Reply; Remember that passage in the Bible where it talks about how God wants us to feel and….you don’t? Oh wait. I don’t either. Last I checked, God said in the Bible He wants us to be holy. We could look at Romans 8:29 For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters.
Or perhaps Matthew 5:48. Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.
or Hebrews 12:14
Make every effort to live in peace with everyone and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord.
TEW: I am a Christian. I am divorced. I chose to finally choose ME and GOD and my daughter. I prayed. I asked for signs. I meditated and listened. GOD was there for me. HIS PLAN was clear and I followed.
Reply: Unless I know the circumstances of the divorce, I can’t comment, but if it’s abuse or something of that sort, you don’t need a sign for that. Frankly, I don’t see anything Biblical in looking for signs. It’s highly subjective and anything you want can be a sign nor do I see anything in the Bible that says we’re to listen for the voice of God or that He even has a personal plan for our lives.
TEW: My daughter is almost 16. She is doing absolutely, wonderfully! She is well adjusted, well liked, involved, funny, respectful, kind, thoughtful, smart, etc… Children of divorce fair as well as the parents allow. (Just as children who are not from divorce!)
Reply; Without due cause, children of divorce have a much harder time. That’s why the Ruth Institute has collected stories for survivors of divorce. Many children do carry it into their later years. Pointing to one person who’s fine is an illicit sample.
TEW: If the adults, co-parent with respect and love towards each other, considering and acting upon their child’s best interests…their children will be adjusted, smart and well rooted. (Same for children not of divorce!)
Reply; This does not follow.
TEW: I read most of the comments, Many of the comments, are dripping in human judgment,
Reply; Kind of like the human judgment that children will be alright if the parents do X when they divorce. Well of course we all have human judgment. Last I checked, we’re all human.
TEW: based upon fear
Reply: That mind-reading is going well I take it.
TEW: and supported by the OLD TESTAMENT!
Reply: I find throwing out the Bible Jesus read abhorrent, but anyway to be safe, I gave Scripture only from the NEW TESTAMENT!
TEW: GOD IS LOVE!
Reply; And He is love in the Old Testament there as well and even says He hates divorce there. Saying God is love does not say whether anything is or isn’t right.
TEW: He loves this woman and wants her to be happy.
Reply: JEsus did not die on the cross so we could be happy. He died so we could have peace with God and be holy and you cannot do the wrong thing and expect that something good will come. This is the idea in Romans 3 of “Let us do evil that good may result.” (That’s New Testament) Are you telling me God wants this woman to divorce someone she doesn’t love, even though He hates divorce, when the man has done nothing wrong and forget any children involved as they sure haven’t, just so she can be happy? God wants that? Really?
TEW: She and GOD will figure this out together!
Reply; If she’s divorcing someone for unbiblical reasons and just for her own personal happiness, God is not involved in it.
TEW: The rest of us imperfect mortals need to simply pray for all of the individuals involved!
Reply: Sorry, but I thoroughly disagree. We have a duty according to Jude 23 to help those who are about to fall into sin and to spiritually watch for our brothers and sisters. Sheila did the right thing here and is to be commended.
I think Sheila addresses at the beginning that she is not speaking to abusive relationships. Read the context of the article before getting all offended.
This woman is NOT in an abusive relationship. She is a immature child who shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place.
I grew up in an abusive home. I know the effects. I agree women should leave those situations.
I also think that enabling some behaviors is not loving and that sometimes leaving the person to their own devices is the best option.
Sheila is speaking to a specific person in this one. Her husbands behavior is probably related to her telling him she still loves her ex. I had that happen to me. Believe me it takes fighting to overcome the damage that causes. And now she’s has an affair? She’s a selfish, immature child with a child of her own. She needs to grow up.
Yep.
Your husband is so kind and forgiving, that he wants to work things out even after you cheat on him.
I don’t think there are many people who are as kind.
You should put your child and marriage first & keep trying.
Erase the ex from your mind.
Who says getting back with your ex means you will be happier in the long term? He might not be as kind or forgiving.
Your child needs you to be mature. Don’t think of lust, think of love for your family & include God in your life.
Lust will not last.
You have 2 men who love you.
I have a 11 month old baby & my husband left me. We are both Catholic.
I wish someone/anyone would love me & accept me.
My only desire is to save my marriage & for my son to have a stable family to come home to.
I’ll take who over loves me.
If I were you & my husband were that kind and forgiving, I would choose to stay.
Divorce is major sin, & yes apparently you will go to eternal hell.
I agree with Missy. It is very judgmental to advise in such a manner. But you aren’t omniscient and you aren’t God’s mouthpiece. It is presumptious to pretend you know – you don’t.
Has it ever occurred to you, that feelings guide us constantly? We sense danger, we feel love for our babies, we feel tired or hungry or we feel interested in learning something useful. Our feelings are MEANT to guide us. We are made this way. And often those feelings make sense. We feel hungy, because we need food. We love our babies, because they need our love. If we don’t love our partner, possibly there is a good and valid reason why we don’t. So don’t in all your human limitations pretend you know what God is going to do.
This is coming from a person who has recently chosen the path of divorce and it is a messy situation. However, I who would like to provide an counter point to the above “condemnation” of divorce:
So all of you above who comment about how terrible divorce is would want your son or daughter to stay in a relationship for their ENTIRE life even though they might be mistreated, disrespected, unloved, taken advantage of, belittled, controlled, verbally abused, not appreciated, etc. Even if they tried and tried marriage counselling and nothing changed. You would tell YOUR son or daughter to stick it out because that is God’s will? You would willing-fully want your child to be miserable? You would want your OWN children’s spirit be CRUSHED just because you think divorce is so terrible?
Are the above “Christians” saying that a divorce is never ok, or only if the Old Testament has a rule allowing for it due to “unfaithfulness”. So, I women should stay in a marriage where there is the following: Physical Abuse? Verbal Abuse? Husband not willing to Work? Gambling addict that spends all of the money? Verbal abuse of the children? Doesn’t do anything to help with house? Is emotionally unavailable? Is sexually unavailable? Physical abuses the children? Is it different if it is a man suffering any of the above?
Regardless to what you would tell your child or where you draw the line above, I STRONGLY disagree with the argument that this women may not be a Christian, or will become unsaved, because she is struggling with her marriage and is contemplating divorce or decided to get divorced. If you remember, Jesus said “those without sin cast the first stone”, NOT “everyone who isn’t divorced cast the first stone”. Did Jesus not offer “living water” to the women who had been divorced 5 times.
I think many of the above posts do not reflect the God that I have come to know.
Hi there! I’ve actually written quite a bit about physical abuse, emotional abuse, verbal abuse, and a husband unwilling to work. I think pretty much everybody commenting who reads me a lot knows exactly what I think about that. That’s why I wrote the disclaimer on the top of the post–we’re NOT talking about an abusive relationship here. We’re just talking about a relationship where the woman feels “out of love”. To compare that to what a woman being abused is going through is so unfair to any abused wife, in my opinion.
It just really isn’t the same, and I would think that vast majority of the commenters here would agree! I’ve spoken out so much against abuse and against emotionally destructive marriages, but just because some marriages are like that doesn’t mean that EVERY woman who claims to be unhappy is in one.
I hope that’s clear, and I’m sorry if I didn’t make it clearer, because I would never want people to think that I believe that a woman should put up with abuse.
There is always a reason why someone falls out of love with another person. You do not know her whole story, nor do you know her heart therefore you have no right to judge her.
But once you’re married, as a Christian, whether or not you’re “in love” with someone is irrelevant. It’s why the list of reasons for divorce is so short — adultery (Jesus) and abandonment (Paul). And then reasons for the protection of you or your children, such as abuse or addiction.
But not feeling it is not a justification for divorce. It is, as Jesus said, a sign that your heart is hard and that you are not listening to the will of God. That is truly a hard sin to carry.
I don’t believe this woman who wrote the letter was ever truly in love with her current husband. How could she be, if she openly claims to still love her ex? I believe she married in a rush of excitement from having an affair. “the grass is always greener” kind of thing. Maybe when she realized that wasn’t true, she felt she made a mistake. I suspect many mistakes like this are made, making life decisions in the heat of what is really passion and infatuation. I agree with posts from others, she is seriously missing something of herself, and she won’t be happy till she finds it. What if she threw away her marriage and a man who loves her, only to find that the new man isn’t “right” for her either? She thought he was the wrong man once before.
Thank you for your counter point “a person going through divorce.” A different perspective needed to be shared here. I also see and hear a lot of condemnation in the above posts. None of us as Christians are perfect and live sin free lives. God through Jesus has already atoned for our sins. If we have accepted what Jesus did for us on the cross, we do have salvation and it doesn’t go away. Because we are saved does not mean we will lead a sinless life. All those who commented are dealing with sin issues of some sort- maybe not as visible to others as failing marriages. We all experience different trials and tribulations in life. For some of us, our greatest heartache and trial is our marriage. Some of us won’t be successful in figuring out how to make it work in the end, despite all of our prayers, books read and wisdom sought, counseling and self-denial. Though I appreciate Sheila’s heart for ministry and encouraging and inspiring Christian marriages, I think unless you have walked in the shoes of a woman who has lost herself and is beside herself desperate in her current situation and still made the self-sacrificing decision to stay in a miserable situation, you will never fully understand and empathize with someone in this position nor can you advice what the best course of action is for them to take. They ultimately have to answer to God for their decisions. I do believe God hates divorce and it definitely has its repercussions on all involved, but I believe that He wants our hearts more than our intact marriages. For some of us, the only way He can get our attention and break some of the strongholds that have been holding us or our spouse in dysfunctional patterns, is to walk with us through the heartbreak and destruction that may come with a divorce experience.
Hi Holly,
I really do hear what both of you are saying, and I’ve written other posts for people living in loveless marriages before. I’ve talked about how to change the dynamic in your marriage, and how that doesn’t always mean being nicer. Sometimes it means drawing boundaries!
In fact, a large percentage of what I do write is for those in lonely or difficult marriages, and I hope that I really give some practical help from a fresh perspective–that it isn’t about losing yourself.
I’ve had so many letters and reader questions from women like that, and I’ve answered a ton of them. And I’ve never, ever been angry at someone before today–not really. This is quite a different letter than those from hard marriages (and I’ve had so many of them!) because the root of all of this is the woman’s choice to have an affair, and the woman’s decision to hold on to a man she once loved, and her decision to tell her husband about that.
This isn’t a loveless marriage as much as it is an affair that the woman has allowed to intrude on her marriage from day 1.
That’s really quite a different thing, and I think to lump it in with the women who are dealing with seriously narcissistic husbands or distant husbands or verbally abusive husbands while also trying to do the right thing is doing a disservice to those women. That’s all. I do have great empathy for those in rough marriages; but I have very little sympathy for women who have treated their husbands so badly, and are now looking to justify an affair. If you’re in a hard marriage, then deal with that hard marriage. Don’t have an affair.
I do have
Did you read the disclaimer at the top? I believe it says we are NOT talking about abuse. Totally different situation. This woman is only looking after her own desires, and not walking in a godly manner. I’ve been in abusive situations, and I can sympathize and empathize, but it appears to me that the only abuse going on in the referenced marriage is hers toward her husband, by telling him she didn’t love him, telling him she loved someone else, and following her own fickle heart. I can only pray she finds her way back through this mess and that they can work out their marriage.
I think I get what you are saying. I am not divorced, been married for 9 years. However, I have seen people who stay in loveless marriages and really they become bitter. Children can see a loveless marriage. My husband has a colleague whose parents divorced after 32 years in marriage. They had stayed together for the sake of the children and as soon as the children were all grown they divorced, though during those years they tried counseling etc. Christians are afraid to divorce because of the stigma associated with it. At times one tries to make the marriage work but it just fails. One cannot live a fake life for the rest of their lives. At the same time going back to her ex will not guarantee her the happiness that she thinks she will have.
But you’re still focused on happiness and “being true to yourself,” and that’s bogus. We are not called to be happy. We are called to be holy. Frequently, that also means we’re happy — but in this case, the writer has some serious heartwork to do, and that means she needs to *not* focus on happiness and start focusing on holiness. She also needs to stop “living a lie” by STOPPING LYING TO HERSELF. She has no right and no call to continually pine for a man she has already willingly left. She made vows not only to her husband, but to God. She needs to get her heart right. Her “destiny” is to be godly. Not to abandon her husband and child out of selfishness and lust.
Becoming bitter as a response to the circumstances in your life is a choice only you, and you alone, can make. So is being fake, and so is either loving your spouse or living in a ‘loveless’ marriage. You are responsible for your feelings, your actions and your reactions to everything that occurs in your life. You cannot control your spouses feelings, actions or reactions, but you sure as tootin’ can control yours.
And scripture has a process for this. It is not a unilateral decision. If your spouse is sinning, and I’d say infidelity and abuse are forms of sinning, you go to your spouse and request they stop. If they don’t, you take fellow member of the church and if they still don’t stop, you take it to the leadership of the church. This is the process of church discipline spelled out in Matthew 18.
Why this process? Well first, because it is in God’s word. Second, we humans can confuse our selfish feelings with real justification. Note! I am NOT saying there are not cases of abuse, infidelity, etc. What I am saying is we must make sure we avail ourselves to the process and use an impartial party who will look at all sides and circumstances.
At the end of the Church Discipline process there are one of two outcomes. The sinner ends the sinful behavior or the church treats them as if they are an unbeliever.
As the ex-husband of a walk away wife who just ran off and had an affair, I don’t always trust those who act on feelings. I’ve learned that feelings are largely impervious to facts. Just because someone says they don’t feel loved is no sure sign they were not loved.
In fact, how many claim God doesn’t love them? Can that even be true? Yet people claim that is their experience. While I don’t doubt they feel what they feel, feelings don’t always reflect facts.
So those who just unilaterally choose this path with a qualified and impartial examination from a disinterested party (I.E. not your girl gang who are there shouting You Go Girl! and Take Everything.) may not be acting as a child of God.
My first thought reading her question was “Well, no wonder your husband won’t open up to you!” Thank you for addressing that. What a hard situation to be in, but her husband will never open up until she is safe to open up to!
Francis Chan made a controversial statement about how he does not believe there has ever been a divorce amongst two Spirit-filled spouses. I wanted to object but the more I think about it, the more I suspect it is true. I won’t go so far as to say she isn’t saved, but I don’t believe this writer is walking in the Spirit. Where are the Fruits of the Spirit on her part in her marriage? Or 1 Cor 13? It makes me so sad how many Christians have failed to grasp how the love of Jesus for us is our model for marriage. I hope she reads your book, Sheila!
I love your entire 2nd paragraph. The more angry each partner gets on their own behalf the less each partner is willing to let go in order to be able to move forward.
Kay, I think Francis was right, too. I really do. All the divorces I’ve ever seen have at least one spouse who is wandering from God–or who THINKS they’re following God, but is extremely legalistic or is misusing Scripture in the extreme.
If two people truly love each other and they have what God calls marriage they would not divorce. They would selflessly love one another. Marriage isn’t about what I can get from him, but what I can give to him. And he to me. Most of us don’t have marriages but cultural arrangements and contracts.
I’m learning daily just how sacred marriage is and how much I don’t love my husband to the level of my vows. I keep walking and growing toward that. It means I have to empty myself of all my issues. I have to ask just what love means. It doesn’t mean I’m always happy or pampered or given every heart’s desire. It means I sometimes do act loving because it’s the right way to treat him even if my feelings are not there. And it means not enabling him to continue doing the things that are harmful to us. It’s not being a doormat.
The author of this article took scriptures from Romans and Hebrews which are about the sons and applied them to marriage. She tells the honest woman to stop being so honest and withhold her feelings for the man she was going to marry to begin with and misuses Ecclesiastes to make that point of hiding how she truly feels. To not speak is 1 thing but to make it seem like it’s something irs not is asking her to not just keep silent but to deceive by suggesting she doesn’t love her husband by telling him she loves her ex.
You push away someone who was trying to reach out for help. To put God first is to love others. We are to feel others pain, Jesus sure did!!! This is truly sad and I pray that woman gets the help she needs. What she needs to hear is that God loves her and if she continues to seek Him and put Jim first, He will either heal her marriage or give her a way out.
Sheila is not pushing the woman addressed in this post away. She gave her thoughts on the matter. Jesus wasn’t all rainbows and butterflies either. Sheila gave the woman an answer that she probably does’t want to hear.
What you’re doing is trying to justify the woman’s feelings. When we marry, we make a vow in front of a man of God, family and friends. Marriage isn’t something that should be so easy to dissolve. Take Anna Duggar for instance? She had EVERY right to divorce Josh but because she views her marriage as a covenant, she chose to stick by her husband.
For sure this woman is not showing love for her husband by telling him that she loves someone else and even went as far to become physically intimate. She says he doesn’t open up to her…well gee, I wonder why? Is it because she wasn’t being completely honest with her husband since they’ve been married. IF she still loved the other man, she should’ve never married this one…but she did and now they have a child together. And Sheila is right…if she does decide to divorce her husband, she’s telling her kid that my happiness is far more important than anything else in this life including my child…that’s the epitome of selfishness.
We are allowed to righteously judge one another when one is in sin. That’s what Sheila has attempted to do here. The truth hurts.
Jesus said NOT to judge! If you read the actual whole bible instead of cherry pick verses to justify yourselves, you would see that anyone here who judges this lady, are indeed in the wrong. I would advise you read the whole bible to get the point.
Deuteronomy 16:18
There’s a few verses about God specifically having righteous judgment. Jesus told the teachers in the temple (who are priests of course) to judge with righteous judgment which is clear from where he was since everyone was not allowed in there. His message to the common ppl was clear tho in Matthew 7:1-5 if you read Matthew 7:28-29. If Jesus spoke to commoners in both John 7 in the temple and on the Mount in Matthew 7, he contradicted himself. Priests determine what is what when it comes to the law. See Ezekiel 44:23-24 for 1 of several biblical examples.
The truth never hurts! The truth makes us free. It’s not sugarcoating, it’s called obeying the laws of Christ.
You have this need to be right, don’t you Tonya? You accuse me of cherrypicking verses out of the Bible..well, seems as though you are doing the exact same thing. YOU are the only person in this entire thread who is telling Sheila that she is wrong…you’ve said the same thing on Facebook as well. Attempting to shame Sheila for answering a reader’s question. Many times, there are details which the letter writer tells Sheila but that she doesn’t share with the rest of us to protect anonymity.
Matthew 7:1-5 says that we may judge AFTER we have judged ourselves. Don’t know what version of the Bible you’re reading. John 7:24 also says “Do not judge according to appearance, but judge with righteous judgment.” Now why would Jesus say this if we are not to judge ? I think maybe you need to go back and read your Bible again instead of cherry-picking which you accuse both Sheila and myself of doing.
“Jesus said NOT to judge!”
Okay.
Then why are you judging the responses as wrong and everyone else as being in the wrong for making the responses?
This reader needs to read Invisible Bonds by Barb Wilson. What she is experiencing with the ex is because she never healed from the bonds she created before she married her husband. Now she is seeing things through a very glamorous yet false lens. Love is action, that’s why we love our children more and more over the years. We do so much for them and it creates a bonds within. Love is action not feeling, although the feeling follows the action.
Love that book! I totally second that suggestion. Barb Wilson writes some great stuff.
YES! I totally agree with this post! You took the words right out of my mouth plus more! Divorce is NEVER better for the children unless it was an abusive relationship! It still hurts. And it hurts no matter the age..
Whenever I hear these type of stories, I think a couple of things. First it was commented that this wife has told her husband, she loves her ex, so he probably doesn’t trust her. Well of course he doesn’t! Also, there was a reason she broke off her original engagement, but she’s rewritten that part of her story, as well as the part where she chose to marry her husband.There were reasons for choosing to marry her husband rather than her ex. I would encourage her to remember why she chose her husband, and not her ex.
If I may make a reading recommendation too, I highly recommend Laura Doyle’s latest book, First Kill All the Marriage Counselors. It’s not specifically written for Christians, but is a strong voice for marriage, with the stated goal of ending divorce.
In the end, being the one willing to leave, this wife has all the power to make her marriage, as good or bad as she chooses. This will continue to be true for every relationship she ever has romantic or otherwise.
I love that–“this wife has all the power to make her marriage, as good or bas as she chooses.” Very well put.
First of all, I APPLAUD you for your answer. Spot. On.
Divorce is the easy answer. It is. For our own “happiness”. But what about pursuing Jesus as our happiness and letting Him lead? That is something our world seems to have forgotten. Jesus is the ultimate source of our happiness, and for starters, that means following His teachings and the commandments. He said no divorce, so, NO DIVORCE.
But does that mean Jesus will tell us a rule and leave us hanging to figure it out by ourselves? NO. He said in scripture He is always with us. There are many, many ways of going about saving a marriage- especially nowadays. Books, counseling, blogs, support groups, you name it. Pursue ALL OPTIONS FIRST. Learn about the RIGHT behavior God wants, do it, and then see what happens.
And I feel I can say that because THAT WAS ME before. I almost left my husband twice. We had/have intimacy issues both physical and emotional. But truly, I can say that God is turning around our marriage. It isn’t something I did, it is something He is doing. I ran to Him, repeatedly, and yes, things are finally starting to churn. We are at the beginning of a new, beautiful chapter, so we still have a lot of room for growth. However, I have HOPE in Jesus to give us complete redemption for the issues in our marriage (Don’t we NEED a savior? Isn’t that WHY we believe in Jesus, both in this life and the next?). So while I totally empathize with this letter, I also say- KEEP SEEKING. Divorce is not the answer, but truly “God can make all things new”, Acts3:21
Divorce is NOT the easy answer. Staying with your spouse when you are in a terribly troubled marriage is NOT the easy answer either. The truth is that there are no easy answers. None. If you think divorce is easy than you obviously have never been through that devastating experience. I think it not only is a disservice to people who have been divorced but also to people who are considering divorce to suggest that divorce is the easy way out. I tell anyone who asks me about divorce that you have to be prepared to lose everything, including possibly even your kids, if you divorce. It is not simple. It is incredibly expensive. It breaks your heart over and over and over again. If I had not heard personally from God that my marriage was over, I would not have ended it. For those of you who would tell me that God would never do that, all I can say is, you weren’t there. Please stop saying that divorce is easy in any way shape or form, because that is simply not true. I believe wholeheartedly in doing everything you can to try to save your marriage, and I believe God can rescue marriages if both people are fully committed to him and to unselfishly loving each other, but it takes two people who are willing to change, not one. By the way, I am now happily remarried for 15 years to a godly man who loves me in word and in deed every single day, and it is a joy to love him back with all my heart. Our God is a God of second chances, or he would not have gone to the cross for us, and I thank him for his mercy and grace in this second chapter of my life. I applaud everyone who fights for their marriages whether the battle is won or lost. Also please remember that none of us knows the whole story behind anyone else’s divorce, not even everyone who lived in that household. I will never tell my daughter everything, because I do not wish to badmouth my ex, and there are some things a child should never hear about a parent, but I am sure she thinks she knows all about it and that she blames me completely for the divorce. God bless all of you out there who are struggling, whether you are trying to hang on to a troubled marriage or fighting to recover from the devastation of divorce and know that either way, God can give you a second chance if you give it all to him.
Thank you for your comment, and I absolutely agree that divorce is devastating–and sometimes completely necessary. And I’ve written about that a lot, and about how God is the God of second chances, and that remarriage can often be very healing. As I said in my disclaimer at the top of the post, I really wasn’t commenting on those marriages in this post–I was really commenting on THIS particular case, where the woman was so cavalier about her marriage when abuse was not a factor (except that she was being so awful to her husband!).
I think the problem when you talk about these issues is that it’s impossible to encompass all cases in one post. I just want you to know that I do understand that divorce is sometimes necessary, and I also know how hard that it is even when it is necessary. And I’m sorry that your relationship with your daughter is so strained. That’s so hard.
Sheila, my comments were certainly not directed at you personally and I apologize if I gave that impression. I understand your position on abuse, divorce and remarriage and I am not criticizing your stance in any way. My concern is for statements made in the comments that are severely critical of divorced people in general, and I have a particular difficulty with the opinion that divorce is an easy answer to a troubled marriage, especially when for so many people it is the most agonizing experience that they will have in this life. I also believe that it is not helpful to people considering divorce to contribute to the idea that divorce will be a simpler and less painful solution to their problems. Instead, we all need to do more of what you are doing, Sheila, encouraging married people to take positive steps to maintain healthy marriages and to get help for hurting relationships early on, before serious damage is done.
I reserve judgement as life is never black and white. From a child’s perspective I can understand why marriages do not work out. As for staying in an unhappy marriage for the sake of the children I only can speak the truth of my experiences and say living under the roof of two unhappy parents does more harm than separation. I am sure there are many people who disagree based on their own experiences. The irony is most people who deliver advice have not been brought to the brink of a situation. They are quick to quote the Word. What we need is compassion, the Holy Spirit and prayer before we speak. I have seen many Christians on the edge and they needed compassion rather than quoting the bible. Somehow people think a passage is going to magically make somebody go oh yeah and life becomes great all a sudden. There are so many factors to life and even leading up to a marriage the vast amount of Christians did not go through any preparation. More pain is experienced and more sin is committed when there isn’t a stance of “if you don’t do this” then this will happen. The reality is we should put this in prayer and encourage others to and support them through such a testing time. Sometimes I think people want to defend the Word (let’s face it with limited wisdom at most) and forget that we should do all we can to help brothers and sisters. What we need in my opinion is spiritual strategy. If you haven’t been through something don’t lead through a this is the be all and end all. Lead first with compassion. Most people who pose this question about divorce are in turmoil faced with situations that everybody would struggle with and ironically commentators would probably struggle more than them. When people say oh it’s about goodness and not about happines, I can not take those people seriously as most marriage breakdowns are due to people battling for a long time to experience and let’s face it happiness. So saying to somebody oh don’t worry about happiness and just focus on goodness will just tip them over the edge in most cases. We can be more spiritually strategic with our words and actions. We have to lose our egos. Born again followers of Christ are sometimes so disconnected to the reality of who they were before. “You must do this and you must do that” is annoying to most. Let’s all get wise in this spiritual battle.
I’m going to read this over and over and over. I got married in love with another man (he was gay). And it hasn’t worked out well. I’m not in love with the other man anymore but not with my husband either. We did fine for the first 6 years while having babies but these last 5 have been rough. I’ve been holding onto that statistic that most unhappy marriages are happy after 5 years. We are at 4 years into that and still just acting not feeling any love. And Id still rate us a 6 or 7 if 8 is the worst.
I also encourage you to read Amanda’s post before yours. She makes excellent points.
We do not need a spouse to give us happiness. Jesus needs to be the source of your happiness. We must learn to fall in love with Christ by spending time learning who He is in His Word, by focusing our minds on Him in prayer. When we experience the reality of who God is and His relationship with us, that will be our source of joy. That will make us feel loved and valued.
Shelia also had another post that is very pertinent to this discussion: The aim of our life is not to have a happy marriage: https://tolovehonorandvacuum.com/2016/02/reader-question-marriage-advice-contradictory/
I am so glad you have a soft heart and are desiring to seek God’s truth. Praying for you dear sister.
I am happy most of the time. I love my job and kids and Crossfit. Anything pertaining to marriage other than parenting is just draining.
As a man commenting here, I have to say this wife has some serious problems. No wonder her husband is so insecure. All men really struggle with insecurity and to hear “I’m in love with my Ex” is devastating to a man. The man gets the message “I’m not man enough for you.” No wonder he’s heartbroken.
In marriage, it’s always easier to look at the other person and see what you think they’re doing wrong. The only person you can change is you. If this woman went with her ex, she would still be miserable because she is still there. Her husband is not there to make her happy. She is there to make him happy and he is there to make her happy. She needs to do her part and let him do his.
Right on! (cheers ensue)
I have to say, I think this is the best column you’ve ever written. And I agree with it 1000%!!!
Amazing response sheila! I’d like to add to the woman, who I have a feeling didn’t write you to get an honest answer, but rather to be told poor you of course you can’t live a lie. By the letter I assume she is going to do what she wants to no matter what anyone else tells her. I will do some serious praying for this couple & their child. If she reads this, I’d like to let you know that the enemy’s job is to STEAL KILL & DESTROY (John 10:10 The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly). and you are welcoming him with open arms. Not all thoughts or feelings come from God. When you are spending time with God daily, reading his word and meditating on it, and praying, you will be able to discern God’s voice and the enemy’s. Jesus said John 10:27 My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me. Whose voice are you following? You say your Christian, but are you truly trying to be Christ-like? When I read your letter, I thought of the woman caught in adultery and brought to Jesus, he showed her grace BUT told her “Go now and leave your life of sin” John 8:11, he didn’t say I forgive you & go back to the man you cheated with. Your marriage is not only a commitment to your husband, but it’s a commitment to GOD. You may divorce your husband and feel no guilt, but doing so breaks your promise to God. And if your afraid of sin/salvation, I’d like to also point out that it would be sin for this ex to marry you, or anyone for that matter, since you divorced for NO REASON (abuse or cheating are the only valid reasons). I would like to give you some scriptures that I pray you will meditate on, to help you resist the enemy’s lies.
“Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.” James 4:7 in your life, the devil is taking hold of you through your negative thoughts of your husband, your marriage, your positive thoughts of your ex, and your continuous dwelling in the thoughts/taking action to see and communicate with your ex.if you RESIST from those thoughts, don’t dwell in the lies, and STOP All COMMUNICATION with your ex (as well as find a Christian to hold you accountable and keep you from drifting nack) then Satan will FLEE, you will realize the truths and your vision won’t be so blurry
The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears, and delivers them out of all their troubles.” Psalm 34:17 I pray that you really look at yourself and your flaws and call out to Jesus for YOU to change & see your flaws in your marriage, I guarantee there is a lot you haven’t tried to save your marriage
Ephesians 6:11 “Put on the whole armor of God, that you may be able to stand against the schemes of the devil.” Satan has you right where he wants you, he wants to destroy what God has joined (even if you say it’s a mistake, your marriage is a covenant with GOD and he can turn anything to good for those who love Him)
Philippians 4:8 “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.”the thoughts that are in line with all of these are in line with what God loves, he wants us to think positively about our marriage, our husband, our faith, our future. Your thoughts are currently far from anything that is commendable, worthy of praise, or excellent.
I pray that you meditate in the truths of God vs. Satan’s lies, even if it sounds like you are set on your ways, God can do a miracle in you & your marriage if you let Him.
Michelle,
Awesome response. I love all of the scriptures you posted.
I agree with this article, to a point. What I don’t agree with is the continual blaming of parents for your own misery as an adult. Yes, it impacts you, but only you can break the cycle and choose happy. My parents divorced when I was very young, and as a result, I ended up with 4 amazing parents. My circumstance, I understand, is rare, but I see many blanket statements being made above. Yes, there is truth in this article, but I see no support, no loving advice, only harsh criticism, which likely caused the advice to be unheard – if it were my question answered this way, you just went out of your way to be judgemental and mean, and the advice given most likely wouldn’t have even been considered. Offer the same input with love, it will make a much bigger impact.
I think the advice was offered in love – it just was the truth. And the truth cannot be sugarcoated to make it nice. The truth is the truth and very often will offend and hurt us. And that is okay, because we will become more like Christ when we absorb and learn from this truth. I found no undue judgment in Sheila’s article at all, probably because I have lived what she has said. And whether we like it or not, our parents decisions will impact us for years to come. Yes, we can get past it, but very often that in itself will take time and lots of hard work – energy unnecessarily spent had my parents just stuck it out.
Wow! Thanks for steppin’ off the ledge today Sheila! Awesome response. As a counselor, my goal is to help couples see that they usually marry their opposite personality and combined together, they make a pretty well-balanced “united in Christ” marriage! I feel like marriage and children are the two places in our adulthood that will conform us into the image of Christ if we lay down our flesh and allow the Holy Spirit to work. Sadly, partners that are looking for the “out” don’t understand that they will get the same lesson the next time around, the package (person) will just look different. If God is trying to show us something in our marriage, it’s in our best interest to hang in there and learn that lesson with the first spouse (unless they are abusive).
Wow! LOVE LOVE LOVE this response. Such a perfect and well worded answer to a very common question. Thank you for speaking the truth!! We need it. God Bless You! I hope this gives this wife the encouragement she needs to do the right thing and work on her marriage. I know I would never open up to a spouse who was in love with someone else. We need to show our spouses that they are our one and only so they can feel safe with us.
Proverbs 31:10-12 “A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies. Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.”
Just what I needed to read today! Perfect, perfect words Sheila! Having been a version of ‘that woman’ in the past, I can tell her that it CAN get better, but it takes WORK. At the end of the day, you have to stop looking at your husband’s faults and start looking at your own (as you can only really change yourself). If you are completely and utterly faultless and perfect, only THEN can you start complaining about your husband!
Having said that, and having been in the situation, you aren’t going to want to listen to our advice. You will be convinced that your situation is somehow different. That you and your ex are ‘soul mates’. I know. I have been there. I thank God every single day that he changed my heart before it was too late, and that he gave me a husband with a lot more strength, willpower and morals than I will ever have. A husband that despite being an unbeliever was prepared to do anything to save our marriage, he was prepared to love me even though I must have just about ripped his heart apart.
And, do you know what? I think part of the reason that I struggled with my marriage in the first place was because I was a child of divorce, with a father who not only left my mother but eventually took himself completely out of my life. While I am not a fan of the ‘blame game’, I can see that what happened to me as a preteen certainly went a long way to my unhealthy insecurity in relationships. Because for me, there was no such thing as ‘unconditional love’. And that is probably the saddest thing about kids who are victims of divorce, is that they can’t believe in unconditional love, which makes it really hard to believe in God’s love. I know it took me years, and in the end, I only started believing in God’s love for me AFTER my husband showed me what ‘true love’ looks like.
Hang in there sister! Pray, pray, pray, but pray for the right things! Pray that the Lord will change your heart to love your husband. And stay. Stay, and then don’t dwell on all that you can’t have, dwell instead on all the you DO have! Read your bible and work on loving your husband and son like Jesus does!
Praying for you, your family and your marriage!
Great comment, Eliza! And I love how your marriage has been so healing for you, too, and how God has used your marriage to heal part of your heart. I know what you mean; I’ve been there, too!
“Because for me, there was no such thing as ‘unconditional love’. And that is probably the saddest thing about kids who are victims of divorce, is that they can’t believe in unconditional love, which makes it really hard to believe in God’s love.”
To accept that God chose me and my husband chose me in spite of all my faults is a daily struggle. I do not wish to be a victim of my parents divorce, but there are real consequences in the hearts of children when parents break their covenant. Feeling tangible, unconditional love seems very hard for me to accept as well.
God truly hates divorce. He has foreseen so many consequences for sin of which many cannot comprehend. May He give each one of us grace as we seek the Master in this life that we may worship Him in eternity. Our life is truly a vapor. Francis Chan demonstrated this in his preaching about the length of rope (on YouTube)
Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.
Galatians 6:7-9 NIV
http://bible.com/111/gal.6.7-9.NIV
You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh ; rather, serve one another humbly in love. For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.”
Galatians 5:13-14 NIV
http://bible.com/111/gal.5.13-14.NIV
Jesus said
“If you love me, keep my commands.
John 14:15 NIV
http://bible.com/111/jhn.14.15.NIV
Jesus said
Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate Mark 10:9
I wanted to add more scriptures I came across as I read my bible, and my heart went out to your marriage, which I will keep in my prayers. I believe there is hope for you to see God’s truths, and turn away from what your flesh desires.
THANK YOU! Yes! So tired of people idolising their happiness and following their ‘feelings’ to the point of demeaning the sacrifice of Christ for our souls.
Obviously we are saved by grace – but after what it took for God to save us from sin, how could we possibly even conceive of sinning any more?
I’m glad you had the courage and grace to speak honestly and clearly about this topic. It is so, so hard to go against our feelings – but there is nothing more loving and gracious than being shown the truth in love. Thank you for the stern reminder of commitment to our word as a higher priority than our fleeting feelings 🙂
Yes, yes, and yes! My mother left my father when I got back from honeymoon – she took one look at how happy I was and left. Putting that burden on my marriage, and on me, has had devastating consequences for me that 16 years later I am still battling to come to terms with. My mother was selfish – she knows it – and put her happiness ahead of anyone else’s. So my first year of marriage – that should’ve been happy was centered around my parent’s divorce. And she had no reason to leave. My anxieties and fears come from that one central event. I agree with everything you say, Sheila, because I have lived it, and I have seen the consequences of my mother’s decision. IN fact, my elder brother then went on to divorce twice – but he would’ve stayed married had my mom not divorced. Her leaving was like opening up a gateway for a whole lot of other negative stuff to come. Thank you for what you said. I found it quite healing for my own journey. Thank you and thank you!
Oh, wow! What a thing to come home to! Yes, people’s selfish decisions do have major ramifications. And while it’s quite true that God can bring healing to our hurts (as He did to mine), and that God can use it for our good, that doesn’t mean that it didn’t hurt, or that I would have rather not gone through it. And in the big picture, divorce just has such major ripple effects that I find the idea that people would willingly choose it for no other reason other than boredom or unhappiness to be very distressing.
Sheila- I thought you did an excellent job of presenting the truth in a loving (but realistic) way. This can make all of the difference. I think Biblical truth offered in a loving way, recognizing that we are all imperfect and all sinners, has a much bigger impact than hitting someone over the head regarding their behavior as if we are perfect and know everything. Love really is a verb, and I will be praying for this reader and her marriage.
Sheila, my husband and I both appreciate your wisdom and insight into so many difficult situations. We often discuss situations you write about, then read your response to see if we are in agreement with you. Mostly we are, and when we’re not we find you often provide insight we were missing, and I just wanted to encourage you to continue the work the Lord has for you! You are a gift, a joy, and an encouragement!
Oh, thank you so much! I really appreciate that!
For those who are coming to the defense of the woman who wrote the letter, what would be your opinion if the genders were reversed?
What if it had been a guy who was engaged to another woman, met someone else, ended the engagement, married the other woman, and then started to blame his wife for emotional and sexual immaturity?
What if he portrayed his wife as frigid and guarded, and for some reason was too afraid to stand up to him–and that’s the reason for their lack of connection?
What if he met up with his old fiance, found a connection, and started an affair, because she truly understands him? What if he then told his wife about his affair, and instead of showing him the door, his wife forgave him and offered to do whatever it took to change HERSELF for him, but he just wanted out anyway?
What if he said he just had to follow his heart, couldn’t stand to be unhappy anymore, and the only thing he cares about is–not his wife, not his child, not everything else he’d be blowing up–no, the only thing he cares about is whether he will lose his salvation over it.
Is there anyone who wouldn’t consider a guy like that a lying cheating no-good rotten faithless scoundrel (to use words appropriate to this forum)? Would anyone be worried about how sugar-coated and kind the response was? Would anyone be offering excuses for him or making assumptions about how abusive his wife must have been, or a compulsive gambler, or refusing to work, or mentally unstable?
Now, I actually do care about this woman. I think she is genuinely, honestly deceived; but the Deceiver wants to destroy her life as much as anyone else’s. It’s a deception that men used to get away with. Now, it seems more in keeping with the spirit of the age when it comes from a woman’s perspective. She’s bought into the idea that a man is responsible for her happiness, and if she’s not happy with the one she’s with (and made vows to), then she has the right to trade him in for a better model.
I hope that she considers that her old flame just had an affair with a married woman, and I hope she isn’t shocked! shocked! when he proves to be less than faithful to her in the future.
So true, Keith! We wouldn’t stand for it in a guy. And I do think that she’s deceived. It’s very sad.
I also think it’s terribly sad that the husband has likely received very bad advice to the tune of “Bend over backwards to make your wife happy.” The husband has a VERY short period of time to get a backbone and start living as the sort of husband a wife will respect. I’m NOT blaming the husband for his wife’s infidelity, but when I read that he was all ready to “work things out” I thought it sounded like the husband had (to put it crudely) surrendered his balls in an effort to be “nice” to his wife. His wife should be kissing his feet begging him not to kick her to the curb for her outrageously unchristian and disrespectful behavior. She clearly views him as discardable, and he doesn’t seems to be doing anything to make her think differently.
I was in a similar loveless marriage for nearly 7 years before I made the decision to leave and I’ve never regretted it. There was no amount of counseling that could help us. It has been almost 8 years now and both of us are much happier and satisfied with our lives now. We would have been absolutely miserable had we stayed married. It is very easy to sit back and judge someone else when you haven’t “walked a mile in their shoes” so to speak!
I agree. I was a child of a marriage where my parents fussed, fought, argued, all the time. I used to pray they would get a divorce… There was never any peace. My dad was an adulterer and my mom was the good Christian woman who prayed and stayed.. This taught my brothers that’s it’s ok to treat women like this and made me never want to get married.
I don’t agree with just quitting (especially if it’s to be with someone else)but no child should be exposed to all of that arguing and yelling or even a love-less marriage.
Sheila, first I want to say I agree with everything you said. I haven’t read every single comment, because I’m on my phone, but I want to chime in with this thought. Even if this marriage were to end, which I already agreed that it shouldn’t, that doesn’t necessarily give this woman the right to turn around and marry the other guy.
Great point, Ashley!
Absolutely love this post!! I wish I could get my husband to read it. We got married very young (19 yrs old) due to me being pregnant (although we’d like to think we would’ve gotten married anyway, just later down the road). Needless to say our marriage has been very rocky. I definitely “grew up” way faster than he did & I really feel like he resented me even though he never said it. Although we both grew up in church, neither one of us really had a personal relationship w/Jesus. He was definitely NOT the center of our marriage! Unfortunately, my husband was unfaithful (which I found out about a few yrs after the fact) but he asked med not to leave so I didn’t. We both got back into church, started praying together & things eventually got better (of course, once they got “better” the reading & praying tappered off). Then little indiscretions on his part start happening (porn, texting). After the 2 or 3 rd time I was fed up & told him I was done. I literally felt like a light switch had been turned off inside of me. Bitterness & anger took complete hold of my heart. Once again, he begged me to stay, & I did (after all, we had 3 children to worry about). We tried counseling & getting involved in church. It took awhile but a lot of the anger went away although, not the bitterness. I wish I had known then that it was eating me alive & destroying what I wanted most—my marriage. I eventually fell into the trap of texting w/another man (b/c he made me “feel” appreciated) & it (texts) became very explicit. My husband found out & was understandably furious & hurt. I couldn’t believe (& still can’t) I did that to him!! He decided that we’d obviously hurt each other too much in our marriage & that if we were really meant to be together, things would be easier. I begged & pleaded with him to stay but he said he was “tired of trying” We went to our pastors, & a counselor but he still chose to leave me & our kids. He has pretty much used every “line/excuse” that the lady in the post used & I’ve never really known what to think or say, but now I do. He said that moving out would give him a chance to think & to reset our relationship & yet he hasn’t made any steps towards restoration. He barely talks to the kids or me & sees them once every couple of weeks (even though he only lives 20 min away). I don’t understand how he can willingly choose to hurt us. Seeing the pain that it’s causing our kids is absolutely heartbreaking. All I do is pray & cry out to God daily for his eyes to be opened & his heart to be softened. I know God can perform miracles & we desperately need one. I (we) miss him so much. I can’t imagine spending the rest of my life w/o him b/c this year (that he’s been gone) has been horrible. God has really done a number on my heart & opened my eyes to the kind of wife i was vs the one I should be. I just really want the chance to have a godly marriage. Please pray & stand in agreement that my family would have victory & complete restoration in every area. I know God can create beauty from the ashes. I want my life, & my marriage to be a testimony to His mercy, love & greatness.
I will be up front and say I am not the most perfect husband in the world and have my problems. I have had to overcome a short-lived port problem and have had employment issues over the past 10-plus years, but but I have always been committed and cherishEd my wife and loved her during our 20-plus years of marriage.
During some very tough trials and circumstances over the past few year, my wife became disconnected and said she quit loving me. She made the choice during my toughest point in my life to disengage and said at one Pont she actually hated being with me.
We were both very discouraged that I was unable to find better employment to allow her to be at home with our children. But that didn’t happen as we prayed earnestly for years and she became upset with me and I became upset with God.
During my lowest point she made the choice to have a 2-year emotional affair with the youth pastor at our church that I exposed to our head pastor this past summer. It broke me to the core and shattered everything I held dear in our relationship.
She is still with me and we are in counseling, but she is so distant, cold and trying to fall back in love with me. She says that I am to clingy and needy and smothering. All I ever wanted to do was cherish and love her and spend the rest of o if lives together. I believe in our marriage covenant and that God hates divorce, but my heart grows colder and more distant by the day as she remains distant from me. She doesn’t enjoy spending time one on one and recently even admitted she would enjoy going to Hawaii by herself for a week rather than go with me.
So what does the future hold. I am trying to remain committed to a woman who avoids me emotionally and spiritually and doesn’t like to hold hands, sit next to me, hug me and has only said “I love you” twice in the past four months. I am getting weary but I don’t want a divorce and only want reconciliation and redemption. Please pray that she will start softening her heart soon because I am losing my desire to make this work. My heart is broken and wants to find connection with the woman I love.
I can’t agree with you completely. My parents divorced 8 years ago and I think it’s one of the best things that could happen in my life.
I have to say that their marriage wasn’t abusive. I don’t remember them slapping each other or anything like that. But I remember so many conflicts I’ve got enough of them for the rest of my life.
My mother stayed in that relationship for many years because of me and my brother, trying to keep us well fed, well dressed and feeling loved.
But I’m so happy for all of us that she left. Yeah, It hurt for a long time. But sometimes the pain is needed.
My brother and I did feel loved and good in every way a child can feel good. Unless the arguments started. And yeah, we thought our mother is the bad one, because she made us leave that life where we felt good. But it was literally made out of lies.
In every relationship there are problems. When you have children, there are even more problems – yeah, there are the good things too, but you need to solve the problems out. Our father was the one who was playing with us – so we thought he’s our best friend, but our mother kept us alive. He was watching TV or playing games after work! Add something like okay-do-it-like-you-want-but-I-am-always-right mother-in-law and then you have two choices: a) pretend nothing is happening so the children stay happy or b) solve it out – talk with them, try the best.
I can’t say that divorce was bad thing to do and I don’t even think it was. I spend some time with both my parents and I think it made me AND them grow up and face the problems.
They needed that and we did too.
It’s good to stay in relationship where the other person wants to work on that, but you can’t make a marriage work alone.
If the husband wants to work – go for it, do your best for you, for him, for your child. Stop hurting him with that ‘I’m in love with somebody else’ and work on that. But if he keeps behaving like that, leave. Sacrificing your happiness isn’t the best thing you can do for your children. Your children don’t want to see you unhappy. If you think so, you don’t remember loving your parents. Love your parents too. They deserve that.
Awesome post! And many great comments! It is great to see that there are some women who have an understanding of God’s design for marriage and are willing to both live it and encourage others to follow it, too. I am often disheartened by the number of “Christian” women who are tempted by Satan and choose to follow their own selfish desires and end their marriages, and often encourage others to do the same.
I would love to see this post reblogged, tweeted, etc. hundreds of times so that its message is heard.
I, a man, recognize that there are also many “Christian” men who are guilty of sinning because of their selfishness, and ending their marriages. They need to be taught that their behavior is wrong, too.
I’ve experienced an emotional affair type. And it was the hardest thing I’ve done to walk away from it and back to a man I felt like I had never really loved. But two years later, I’m madly in love with him (my husband). It’s funny how that decision can lead your heart. It really should work that way – lead with your head and your spirit, and the heart will follow.
After all: the heart is deceitful (Jer. 17:9)!
Yay! So glad you shared, Anna. That’s really encouraging!
It can happen. Took me 19 years after an emotional affair and all the baggage from my childhood, but I love my husband totally. It takes time to build a good relationship and heal from all the pain. Yes we could have divorced a dozen times and avoided pain and our kids avoid our fights. But we would have missed this. Our kids would have missed the miracle of redemption and the beauty and pain of restoration and a love fought for in the heat of conflict. They at least know that fairy tales are not real but our, loving, redemptive God is.
I wouldn’t trade the last 20 years if it meant I didn’t have what we have today. But both people have to change.
Amen to this post we need more like this when divorce seems to be a first option instead of working it out! If this man is so willing to do something to work it out so they can stay together doesn’t that mean he loves her??? Because with her committing adultery he does have the right to leave but he chooses to stay! Love Jesus first others next yourself last! Hoping for restoration for the entire family
Amen, Sheila. We need more truth like this when we are entertaining sinful, selfish thoughts and engaging in such actions. This is what we need to hear when we seek godly counsel, instead of things like: “Follow your heart, do what you think is right.” Thank you for speaking up for the truth!
This this article really hits close to home I have a wife we have been married nearly eight years and together 14 we have for little girls healthy and happy beautiful little girls over the past year she has fallen in love with another man. Long story short I have begged and pleaded with her to come back and commit to our marriage for the sake of our children and our celestial covanants. She has said the same thing about living a lie and her heart is with this other man, after the last 6 months with multiple therapist I came to a calm resoltion that I have lost her forever and just recently filed for a divorce my bishop and my therapist all tell me it the right thing to do at this point but my heart betrays my decision and hope still looms in my mind even with the continued betrayal.
I seek the light of Christ and want to give the unconditional love that has been asked of us but if she will never return what choice might I have other than the one in motion?
Thank you for speaking boldly and truthfully about this issue! I know your heart is compassionate for this marriage, but we also have to speak up when someone it about to make a huge mistake. It’s like screaming at and grabbing the kid about to walk out into traffic: “STOP!!”
When things in our marriage are bad, I think we get caught thinking, “It’s either this bad situation forever, or that green grass over there.” And those aren’t the only two choices! As you point out, just because things are bad in your marriage now, they don’t have to stay there — especially once you commit to loving your husband and valuing your marriage. For myself, it wasn’t being completely honest with my husband that helped; it was when I started acting far more like Jesus to him. Amazing how that worked! 😉
Thank you for adding the part about abusive relationships! My ex and I went to a weekend marriage conference and not once was abuse mentioned. All it did was make me feel guilty for wanting to leave him and made me stay in an abusive relationship longer than necessary. I feel like sometimes people are I denial that abuse can exist in Christian relationships. It’s hard to speak up about abuse, especially for Christians as we may feel we have an image to maintain. So thank you for adding that little part, I’m sure it will help save others that are in my position.
It is so important to say, Serena, and I do write a lot about it. I’m so sorry that you went through that in your marriage. So sorry.
The woman referenced in this blog post obviously has some growing up to do (don’t we all?). She will continue to find her emotions spiraling out of control until she understands that working on her marriage with her husband is what will really bring her peace and satisfaction deep down inside — cavorting with the ex will just complicate things and might end up destroying the relationship with her husband permanently.
Having said that, I’m very distressed by some of the views put forth in this blog post. Namely, referencing Hebrews 10:26 which says:
“If we deliberately keep on sinning after we have received the knowledge of the truth, no sacrifice for sins is left”.
This verse is not dealing with Christians not ever sinning in their lives again. The book of Hebrews was specifically written to unsaved Jews, Jewish Christians and those on the fence, admonishing them to not commit the ultimate sin of rejecting Jesus and His sacrifice on the Cross by going to the temple sacrifice system to atone for sin — that’s the reason why the book is called “Hebrews”.
The verse is not saying that if we keep on sinning, Jesus is not going to forgive our sins any longer. All of our sins, past, present and future were forgiven by Him two thousand years ago before we were ever born and before we ever asked. By the way, there is no such distinction in the Bible between an “unintentional sin” and “intention sin” — all real sin is intentional. That’s the very reason why Jesus dealt with the sin issue definitively once and for all — because we were unable to. “Sins” plural, are no longer an issue with God in terms of our ability to be perfectly reconciled and accepted by Him — because He’s not judging by our “sins” any longer but by the Blood of Jesus. Whether we accept the Jesus and His sacrifice and Resurrection, however, is a totally different question: that deals with the sin of unbelief and is the central focus of the Book of Hebrews. To turn this book into a treatise on how Christians can lose their eternal life, salvation or relationship with Christ by “sinning” is nearly theological heresy and binds up believers with guilt, fear, shame and condemnation.
If we want to go back to the Law of Moses, we are all going to fall short. For instance, in the Law, there were no exceptions for divorce, except marital unfaithfulness — not physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, mental illness or drug and alcohol addictions (none of the supposed exceptions cited by many on this blog). That’s because the Law was rigid and unwielding — it was meant to show up our weaknesses and grind us into the dust so that we would accept the pure, unadulterated grace and mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ instead. The Bible is not a rule book for Christian living — nor is it a way to help make bad people good: it is the revelation about how Christ makes dead people alive.
Instead of doubting whether this hurting woman who is behaving adulterously is really a Christian or not, wouldn’t it be more productive to remind her of her new identity in Christ and that she is eternally loved and nothing that she can do can separate her from the love of Christ? Can you really shame her into righteousness and right conduct that comes solely by understanding the reality of Christ’s new life in her heart?
I’ll tell you this, if it wasn’t for the grace and mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ, none of could stand on the day of judgement (Sheila included).
Let me first say that I really like your site and I think it’s a great resource for many women and men alike. I agree with what you said regarding this woman’s selfish actions in her marriage and she probably did need a good kick in butt. I am also by no means an advocate for divorce and I believe that any issues in marriage can and should be worked out, except, as you mention, in abusive situations.
I am, however, appalled, flabbergasted, and well, angry, with how the issue of this poor woman’s salvation was handled. Verses used out of context, condemnation, accusations from readers that this woman probably isn’t even a Christian in the first place?!
What about Romans 10:9-10, Romans 8:34, Romans 5:6-10, 1 Corinthians 10:23, Hebrews 10:10? I guess these don’t apply when talking about the sin of divorce? If we sin knowingly rather than unknowingly does that negate what Christ accomplished?
Should this woman stay in her marriage and work it out? Will she, her husband, and her children be happier for it? Is that what God wants? Of course. If she decides to go ahead with a divorce will that lessen God’s love for her? Will it negate the power of Christ in her life? Absolutely not.
It scares and horrifies me that only one reader, Becky, out of almost 100 people who commented, seems to understand this.
Christ died for the UNGODLY – not just those who had a momentary slip. Haven’t we all sinned and fallen short of the glory of God? Isn’t that why we needed a savior in the first place?
Kate, I really do appreciate your comments, and I certainly believe that Jesus died for the ungodly.
I just also believe that this does not negate the fact that we must be very cognizant that this does not give a license to sin, as the Romans verse says.
I’m not trying to make a judgment on her salvation–I’m only quoting Bible verses that speak to this issue: Is it okay to deliberately sin after we know Christ? Is it okay to deliberately walk in sin and continue to walk in sin after we know Christ?
I think these verses point to that. Whether or not they point to losing salvation is really up to one’s interpretation, which is why I deliberately didn’t make a judgment on that issue. But whether she loses her salvation or not, these verses show that we need to take sin VERY seriously, and it is NOT okay to choose to deliberately sin, just because grace will be available later.
Many people are accusing me of taking that verse from Hebrews out of context, so I’ll just post the whole passage from Hebrews 10:
I completely agree with you that sin is a serious issue and that we don’t continue to sin because we know that Christ paid for those sins. It was never my intention to make it seem as though I think it’s okay to sin, because that certainly isn’t what I believe. Romans does say that we do not continue to choose sin so that grace may abound, but it certainly doesn’t say that we lose our salvation if we do sin. God calls us to walk in newness of life and the reason we walk in that newness is because we acknowledge what His son did for us. We’re all going to have days where we slip up, but I do completely agree that we endeavor to walk worthy of our calling.
I would like to point out, however, that 2 Peter 1:20 says that the scriptures are of no private interpretation. So your interpretation, the reader’s interpretation, my interpretation, or how any one person chooses to insert their own beliefs or opinions into God’s Word does not change what the Word actually says. So it is not a matter of opinion or judgement whether or not this woman is saved regardless of her choices. She is. Period. God’s grace covers. Christ’s blood cleanses. Her salvation, your salvation, my salvation, the salvation of anyone who calls upon the name of Christ, has already been accomplished. That’s what the Word says all over Romans, all over Ephesians, all over the church epistles, all over the New Testament.
Paul knowingly and deliberately chose to go against God when he went to Jerusalem. Did he lose his salvation? According to a lot of people here, he probably did. As Becky points out, the verse in Hebrews deals not with Christians who continue to sin, but rather those who have had the knowledge of Christ presented to them, but reject it. The context is not the verses immediately before and after, but the whole chapter, the whole book for that matter.
I’m going to leave it here, because I do not believe it profitable to get into an argument about God’s Word and it is truly not my intention to be combative. Please understand that I sincerely appreciate and respect the work that you do. You have helped me and I’m sure so, so many other women, but I have to stand up for the integrity of God’s Word.
Hi Sheila,
Now having read your application of Hebrews 10:26, I’m confused about the distinction that you make regarding “deliberating sinning”.
When you personally sin, do you consider your choices to be deliberate or accidental?
Excuse me, I meant to say “deliberately sinning”, not “deliberating sinning”.
Well, let me ask you: Do you think Hebrews 10:26 has any meaning at all? Do you think that it is appropriate to tell someone who is deliberately sinning that this is not a good thing to do? Because I’m not commenting on losing your salvation or not losing your salvation; I am saying that God takes sin very seriously, and warns us a lot about the consequences of choosing to live a life that is characterized by sin, as this woman says.
[Editor’s Note: This comment has been removed because I really think the point has been debated enough.
Whether or not you can lose your salvation has been a matter of fierce debate since the Reformation. It isn’t going to be solved in the blog post comments, and I don’t want to get into a theological argument over it.
If anyone has questions about it, I encourage them to Google it and read both sides and pray about it. Christians have been wrestling with this for so long, and it doesn’t have an easy answer. I think it’s good to wrestle.
But that isn’t the main point of this blog post. This is about what it means to “live a lie” and about whether a woman can ditch a marriage because of her “feelings”. That’s what I’d like to concentrate on, and if people would prefer theological debates, then I’d really prefer that they take those to some doctrinal websites instead.
Hope you all understand!]
David sinned with Bathsheba. Their child died. God forgave David but his child still died. God forgives our sin. He does not remove the consequences of our sin. Which is why we should take it seriously.
I’m new to this site actually found it by chance. I see this story from the husband’s side. We have been married for 23 years. My wife forms emotional ties with men that end up placing them in bed together. I have caught her 4 times. Each time she apologizes and then seems to work at getting our marriage back on track. We have 3 kids that I take them and attend every activity they have. I offer many times to take my wife out on dates but she always turns me down. She said she is trying but nothing I do helps her be happy. It really hurts me how she treats our kids, marriage and family. What hurts even more is I love her with all my heart.
I went through this the first 3 years of my marriage. I never was so open about it with my husband and I never cheated or came close. But the thought process, the missing the ex, wanting to leave, everything is spot on for me. And I’m holding back tears reading this woman’s story, wishing she would have asked me because I’ve walked through that dark valley and the Lord pulled me out of it. Hurting Woman, I hope you are reading this. I thought I wanted out of my marriage too. I didnt/don’t have the passionate, tingling senses relationship with my husband the way I had with my ex. I thought this meant my marriage was broken and I was meant to be with my ex. I allowed Satan to feed me deception and lies about what a Godly marriage is and is not. God made it perfectly clear to me that this life on earth is very short. My purpose is to further the kingdom of God in the short time I have. In light of eternity, my personal, fleeting happiness doesn’t matter. I may not feel that superficial happiness, but I have deep-rooted Godly joy because I chose to stay with a man God gave to me as a partner in life. Jesus chooses to pursue us even though we don’t love Him with the love He deserves. He wouldn’t leave me the way I almost left my husband. We have to love with a Godly, sacrificial, unconditional love. Don’t think about what you’re gonna get out of the marriage. Pursue your groom. I don’t think its a coincidence Jesus compared His relationship with us to that of a marriage relationship. I’m praying for you and others like you that you will seek God’s face inn this situation rather than the exit door.
That’s wonderful! Thank you so much for sharing that. It’s very encouraging.
This is the only person here who wrote the right thing. Every other person including the lady who answered her is being judgemental!!! My no wonder people are falling away from Christ!! Wow! You all are battling scriptures back and forth saying all these things about a woman none of you know! Well guess what? GOD does know her and loves her and knows what her plan is!! well I say to her: sweetheart God knows your struggle and pain. Cry out to Him and He will answer you. You will not loose your salvation! There is only ONE unpardonable sin!! Come on GOD Is LOVE. We need to win people and take them to CHRIST. People already know what’s wrong we don’t need to make them feel worse.
Normally I like reading your articles but this one even when you said ” I don’t normally say this but…”. It bothered me I felt like you were casting stones at me! It seems You have some inner pain of what your dad did. I am so sorry about that but it is not this young struggling woman’s fault. Let’s share our stories with scripture and not judge.
To “L” thank you for sharing your story to a hurting woman(and world) without casting judgement.
My thoughts exactly. This post reeks of transference! God help us all when we begin tainting true biblical advice with our negative experiences. I’ve been where this lady is and I chose to stick it out, but I can say for sure I actually did think about my husband and children’s happiness. I beat myself up for being human and having questions. I felt they deserved someone better than me. It’s not always what people think…
God does not automatically bless a marriage just because two people decide to marry. Many times people marry for the wrong reasons, never asking Gods permission to marry, when God never intended for those two people to be together in the first place. Advising two people who are clearly miserable to stay together out of obligation is not what God intended marriage to be either. Getting divorced isn’t the worst thing a person can do. Using scripture to guilt someone into staying in such a painful marriage is not good advice at all. I begged my parents to get a divorce, and they refused because they were afraid of what others would think. My life would have turned out a lot better not living in house full of screaming, bitterness, strife, and tense silence, and emotional abuse. Sometimes, its equally selfish to stay married to the wrong person and force your kids to watch your marriage self destruct behind closed doors. Marriage doesn’t guarantee security or happiness in children or their parents who never should have been together at all.
I am in a similar boat. There is no one else though, and never would be. I have spent over 30 years with my husband. He looks like a good man to everyone, everyone has always thought we were happy. Except those who really know what I go through everyday. My husband is not the leader in our home, does not help with the children, never takes responsibility, never stands up for me or our children. I have lived with everything all these years and am ready to give up. The longer we are together the more he expects from me. I gave him my whole heart and have been everything for him. I am heart-broken, and exhausted. Why do men (40-50) behave this way? Why should I stay?
What a bunch of holier-than-thou people! I am a Christian and believe that I will not lose my salvation over my divorce…which is what salvation is about. If we lost our salvation so easily none of us would be going to heaven. Stop giving this poor woman more pain. People do the best they can under the circumstances. I stuck with a 19-year marriage, where I did everything for my daughter and home. He only worked a job, as I worked, too, and was unavailable emotionally. We were never compatible and it was a mistake to marry. My grown daughter tells me now that she wishes we had divorced when she was young…that she knew how miserable our home was. HE left US–I didn’t leave him. I’m happy that he did and have lost my anxiety attacks but I don’t believe, and neither did the Christian counselor I went to after, that I lost my salvation. I am unsubscribing to this blog. Thank you.
Patricia, I’m so sorry about the pain you went through! I really am. And I know what pain divorce brings.
But I never said that divorce makes anyone lose their salvation–I don’t believe that at all! My mom is divorced, and she’s one of the wisest Christians I know. What I said was that to deliberately do things that you know displease God is definitely not a good idea, as Scripture clearly shows. This woman wanted to continue to have an affair with someone and to deliberately break her vows. That’s such a different story than the one that you’re describing in your marriage. If anything, you’re the HUSBAND in the story that I told, not the wife.
I wish you all the best!
Twenty-five years ago I met a man that came to me and asked me to dance. I was so shy but I said yes. We danced and looked into each other’s eyes and I had butterflies. I was so nervous I guess that’s what happens when you meet someone that takes your breath away. We dated, we married, and had a family. Throughout the years we had obstacles that we always could overcome. Trials and tribulations that test our faith and love for one another. We made many mistakes along the way but for the most part we managed to deal with all of our problems. Until one day we lost hope in each other, we began to drift apart. We were blaming each other for the things that was happening instead of supporting one another. We shut each other out of our lives, and still tried to live. No one will ever know the struggles we had to endure nor will they ever understand. We truly loved one another but we didn’t know how to express what we were feeling. The pain was so intense that we finally gave up. We walked away from a 17 year marriage and destroyed our sons trust, he was torn between wanting to love the both of us. We all made a promise that we would never leave each other, how easy it is to break that promise when you’re in the midst of frustration and anger. It so easy to put the blame on each other believing that you know you were the one who was right. But we were both wrong, we did it all wrong, we were selfish and careless and didn’t think about what our son was going through. On June 24th, 1995 we were married on Friday it would have been 21 years. I see friends posting about their anniversaries and how happy they are and I’m glad for them. I watch everyone post family pics and see all of the places you are spending time with your families. I just wanted to say that for those of you who are going through tuff times right now don’t give up on your families. Make as many memories you can with your children. Because once you decide that it’s over it not only affects you it affects everyone around you especially the children. They may think it was there fault but in reality it was the parents fault. It’s so easy to just give up and walk away but before you do, the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. It’s the side that you water that’s greener. So take care of your own lawn and protect it pay attention to it when it needs something. Love can last a life time but the memories you make can stop without you even
realizing it and then it’s to late.
Thank you for sharing that. I wish you all the best now, and I wish your sons all the best, too. I think your comment will help a lot of people!
I’m not sure the title question got answered. Yes, divorce is a sin. Yes, divorce is serious. Yes, God hates divorce and all other sin, even the sins we commit every single day. Yes, we are to live a life glorifying Him/life of godliness. No, salvation cannot be lost.
Salvation is a gift and is by faith, not works. John 10:28, Ephesians 2:8-9, Romans 3:23, Romans 6:23. If salvation can be lost via a divorce, I wonder: Can it also be lost for gluttony, selfishness, pride, impatience, anger, lust, lack of self-control, stealing, lying, cheating, etc.?
OK, Shelia I agree and disagree with your response. First, let’s address what the reader says here. This isn’t a question of salvation and divorce, if so where would infidelity play into that equation? This woman is plainly miserable and I seriously doubt that has been lost on her husband. To make things worse she is in love with her ex and has told him so. Please for all that is HOLY tell me why this man would open up to her or even try? This guy has been told she cheated with the man she truly loves and still wants to work on their marriage and has stayed! In my book, this guy is saintly! He’s just going along to get along so that he can maintain his vows and not make things worse on a daily basis. No, that isn’t right or God’s plan, but it shows his willingness to do what he believes is right. Now to address “Should I stay or should I go now” (obvious song reference) How exactly is a child going to be healthier or see God’s love in a loveless, sick marriage? How will this child pattern it’s future relationships and ever be healthy in it’s own marriage? Staying isn’t the answer and her feelings obviously aren’t going to change and she isn’t willing to allow God to let them change. Six years of marriage (7 now), a child, counseling and she accidentally falls into bed with another man? No she was and is a willing participant in destroying her marriage. Yes, I am divorced, twice, neither by my choice or fault, but I am in a very healthy Godly marriage and my children can see that. My children see God working in our lives, they see me leading the household, they see true love through God’s grace and redemption. I can’t help but question my mental, emotional, and spiritual health or my children’s had either marriage continued in the way they were headed. Who exactly is assigning sin’s value? Where is the points system listed in the bible? No salvation isn’t at risk but many many other very important things are that can be remedied if both parties are willing to let God work or are willing to separate and let God work on them individually. God wants us to be full of His grace and Love, he wants us to be happy. This marriage was obviously not ordained by Him! He isn’t going to reward you for continuing in your earlier disobedience.
Any comments about being married/divorced when unsaved, losing contact with former spouse, getting saved, then marrying a previously unmarried Christian woman, for 25 years and remain married today:will I lose my salvation because I remarried?
Seems to me all that would do if I divorced my beloved after 25 years due to remarrying while my former unsaved wife still lives, is to destroy 2 marriages, my kids.
I do not see how God would be pleased with that.
Great answer, Sheila. You are right on target with this one, and I hope your reader will take the admonition to heart.