Do you struggle with anxiety? I know so many people do–especially women. I keep meeting more and more people who are fighting a hard battle to keep their thoughts centered on Christ, to push out the negative, to stay positive.
And that can be so hard on a marriage.
Cate, aka the Fabuless Wife, sent me her story of how she’s fighting anxiety in marriage, and I think it’s beautiful and I want to run it today.
But first, I know some of you get jealous or anxious for good reason. Your husband really is doing something wrong. You can’t trust him because you’ve caught him in so many lies you don’t know what to believe anymore. And as I said last week in my post about how do know if you’re marrying the wrong guy or not, we do have to listen to “our gut”, because sometimes our gut may be warning us of something (that tends to be the Holy Spirit talking to us!). If you feel like something is not quite right, even if you can’t identify why, that’s often the first sign of an affair or porn use or something else that your husband may be trying to keep hidden.
But at the same time–that doesn’t mean that EVERY time we’re anxious there’s a reason for it. Sometimes it really could just be generalized anxiety. So I’m not sharing this to say, “if you ever don’t trust your husband, stop being so negative!”, because obviously there are times when we must be wise. But for the many, many women who are struggling with anxiety, you know that often there isn’t something wrong in real life. And so we have to fight against these feelings.
Here’s Cate explaining how she does that:
It was happening again. Another accusation, another intruding thought. “My husband didn’t call me on his way home, he must be falling out of love with me.” The negative thoughts continued to come and they pierced my heart. As tears fell, my chest tightened and it became hard to breathe.
I would overanalyze every little thing that my husband did, seeing the smallest details as signs that we were falling apart. I would become suspicious of everyday things like taking a phone call and it became hard to believe that anyone could really, truly love me. Anxiety told me many lies and I, unfortunately, did not fight them for the longest time. My irrational fears were wreaking havoc on my heart, my spiritual life, my health and my marriage.
My husband, thankfully, is a very long-suffering kind of guy. The calm to my storm, he would usually just patiently try to rationalize with me and eventually, I would start to think sanely. One particularly bad night, my husband sat me down and poured his heart out to me. He told me that my anxiety over our marriage made him feel as if I didn’t trust him. He told me that he works extremely hard to create a stable, safe place for our family and when I give into those anxious thoughts, I’m doubting his ability to be a good husband.
Wow. That made me realize what I was giving up each time I gave into anxiety. My husband said that his vows weren’t just for physical sickness and health, but emotional health as well. He said it wasn’t just my fight, it was ours. We started to plan how we could fight my anxiety together. This game plan is what I’m going to share with you today.
As someone who grew up in Church, I knew about the Lord’s saving power and I could give spiritual advice…to everyone else. When it came to my own self, I felt defeated. I know I’m not alone in this struggle. Anxiety is a real issue and it plagues many women. Whether your anxiety comes from past issues or post-partum hormones, it can take a toll on every part of your life.
We don’t have to stay defeated in this area. While everyone is a work in progress, there are some things we can do to protect our marriages during this season of life.
To Fight Anxiety, Stay in the Moment
When anxiety hits, my mind likes to wander. I’ll start thinking about scenarios that aren’t even a possibility and because the worry amplifies things, I feel the same emotions as if I was truly in this situation. When these emotions hit, I’m more likely to start an argument with my husband because I believe bad of him. In Matthew 6:34, the Bible says, “So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today.”
Staying focused on what’s happening right now is key to keeping those worries away. Focus on what’s happening in that moment, what you see, feel and hear. Take a few deep breaths, pray and refuse to think about what negative things could happen in the future.
Fight with Your Husband, Not Against Him
In your fight against anxiety, your husband can either be your biggest enemy or your biggest ally. Obviously, the latter is the better choice! The Bible says in Ephesians 6:12,
For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.
Our struggles aren’t against people, but against a very real Enemy of our soul who wants to destroy our lives. Anxiety can cloud your vision, making you think that everyone is against you, including your spouse. Most likely, this is not the case! When your husband promised through sickness and health, he meant it. Emotional health is included in those vows!
Talk to your husband openly about what’s going on and ask for his support and prayer during this season in your life. Make your husband your greatest ally in this battle and choose to fight together. Let this time be something that brings you closer instead of tearing you apart.
Think about Your Ending
God has good plans for those who love Him. When we struggle with anxiety, it can be hard to think about the good things that are ours through Christ. The Bible is FULL of the promises that God has given us. One of my favorites is found in Romans 8:28, “For we know that all things work together for those who love God and are called according to His purpose.”
We may not see the light at the end of the tunnel now, but we know that in the end Jesus wins. God’s plan for our lives is to live victoriously and to overcome. God wants to see us whole and healthy and He wants our marriages to thrive, even in the midst of anxiety.
Cate is a blessed wife and mother to two little men. In her free time, you can find her blogging at The Fabuless Wife where she brings inspiration to women in the midst of the mundane. She’d love to connect with you on Facebook!
Thanks, Kate!
Now let me know in the comments: Do you battle with anxiety? How do you stop it from hurting your marriage? Let’s talk!
Thank you, Cate, for sharing so openly!
I use to struggle with anxiety really bad, then I was able to get it under control and even was great during pregnancy. Since having my daughter I have struggled with it more. I have noticed stress and fatigue amplify it even more!
For me I have been making sure to have my daily time with God with a devo and intentional prayer. I also have tried to adapt a mind set of putting me first sometimes is okay. I have set up specific time each week that I decompress or do something fun for myself like a craft project or reading. These things support me in lowing my stress.
I have also come to realize that keeping my anxious thoughts in doesn’t do any good. Often times I am starting to share them with my husband sooner. Sometimes it starts with a disclaimer: I know this is an irrational thought. Or I will write them in a journal or pray to dismiss them.
All these things have supported me to let go on some anxiety in my life and around specific marriage situations.
Thank you for reading, Cassie! 🙂 I love your idea of journaling the irrational thoughts. I need to add that to my list! I’ve also noticed that a daily quiet time does wonders. <3
As someone who has battled with debilitating anxiety – to the point of not being able to sleep or eat or function, I understand only too well the impact anxiety has on your health, your marriage and life in general. At one point, I was too scared to get up in the morning, because I literally thought I was going to die. At other times, I got up three or four times a night to make sure I was eating to “keep my strength” up so I didn’t get too skinny and die. I know that sounds awful, but my point is that if you don’t control your thoughts, ANY thought can then become a point of anxiety. It is so awful not being able to get up in the morning because you’re too afraid to. And the impact on my marriage has been huge.
It is only now – now that I am learning to get my thoughts under control, and to start trusting God that He actually does know what He is doing, that things are starting to get better.
And here’s the major thing I have learnt – I can choose to trust God no matter what I am feeling or thinking. I actually can cast my thoughts and feelings aside and choose to focus on trusting God. And that insight has been amazing in helping me get beyond this.
I have also learnt that the devil WILL kill your joy, steal your love and destroy your marriage in ANY way he can. That is why we need to trust Jesus for the abundant life He has come to give us. And the path that I have been on has in no way been easy – in fact, it has been one of the hardest things I have EVER been through. But, worth it when you consider I have a deeper faith and a stronger relationship with God. It has pushed me toward Him and I am grateful.
And when it comes to my marriage, I had another major insight the other day. One of the verses that kept me going during these tumultuous years is Jeremiah 29:11 – I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future. I realised that God’s word is NOT bound by time. God’s word goes back into our pasts to heal and redeem, is with us in the present to guide us and to love us, and goes into our future to be with us every step of the way (God’s word is a lamp unto our feet). And that verse I realized will go back to before the anxiety started (for me) to let me know that even back when I got married, God knew even then what His plans were for me. God is not bound by my time – He is beyond time and so is His word. So whatever issues are giving me anxious thoughts, issues that come from my past, even then, God was there, He is with me now, and will be with me in the future. He has never left me, and He will always be with me. Sometimes I fear I made a mistake – and now I realise that is a lie straight from the devil to kill, steal and destroy my marriage. God knew what He was doing and I can trust Him. I can trust Him with my past, my present and my future.
I am still walking this path, and some days are better than others – but I am pleased to say I am having more good days than bad, and I am starting to recognise toxic thinking and bring it under Jesus’ command more quickly than I did before.
And I pray by God’s grace I’ll have the tenacity to continue renew-ING my mind each and every day for the rest of my life.
Thank you for another insightful article. Thank you…
Amen, Sister! You just blessed my socks off. 🙂 I never thought about Jeremiah 29:11 in that way, but you are right! God’s Word applies to every part of our lives. His plan for us is good and every struggle along the way ultimately leads to that good plan.
Thank you for sharing your story!<3
Wow, the not bound by time thing is really helpful. Thanks!
amen amen amen ..wow I needed to read this! Im Struggling but still fighting
I don’t struggle with anxiety, but I’m the wife of someone who does. And I’d add that sometimes anxiety is a medical problem that can be helped or regulated with medication. And it’s so sad that there’s such a stigma against Christians taking medication for things like this. As if people are somehow less victorious if they take medication. We don’t do that with any other part of the body. We don’t think a diabetic or someone with thyroid problems is less Spiritual for taking medication to address chemical imbalances. But when the issue involves the mind, we treat people differently.
On a related note, have you thought about an article for people married to those who struggle with anxiety? When you don’t have it, it’s really hard to understand. And it’s hard to know what to say and how to encourage.
I completely agree, Marty! I believe there is power in medication combined with help from the Lord. It does not make your testimony any less valid if you take anxiety medication.
Thank you for reading! <3
Just read this amazing article, and i couldn’t agree more with your comment… I’m also the non anxious person in the relationship… And some times it is too much to handle. We’ve been struggling with this since i can’t remember when. It would be nice to read something about the other person in the relationship, what can we do to not lose our minds as well. God bless ?
Just what I needed today! I don’t know why by now I have not learned that God knows what you need, when you need it. Thank you Sheila and Kate for allowing God to use you. I do struggle with this exact kind of anxiety Kate is describing, mine stems from past unfaithfulness (I’ll leave those details out). I guess my hangup is the fear of being hurt again. I have thoughts of “if I do just let it all go, and trust God and my husband, then I will get blindsided again”, and I can’t handle the thoughts of how that made me feel. So I hold on to thoughts of “what if” to help prepare me for “when” it happens again….. ugh! I hope that makes sense. Not that it’s rational by any means, it’s just my hang up. I think staying in the moment is the best piece of advice you have, thank you for that 🙂
This is a great post thank you. I have always struggled with anxiety, due to issues with my upbringing and early adult life. Every time I conquer circtain manifestations of anxiety the next attack is different. 3 years ago I lost my job and the same week I found out that I was pregnant with our daughter. This triggered anxiety that I have only just come out of the other side of. Despite the fact that my husband stepped up to the plate and we have never missed a bill payment etc and he has always wanted me to stay at home because his Mum did and he loved that she was always there for him, I became obsessed with work. The intrusive thoughts about how I should be working and bettering our financial situation, not wasting my qualifications, saving for a pension etc dominated my thoughts. Plus the fact that as a successful career woman I was “too good” to just keep house and change nappies. My husband has worked through this with me, although he has no experience with anxiety, every step of the way. He even supported me getting a part time job last year. I only lasted for 6 months before I realised that I wanted to be at home. Even then the thoughts would come. Eventually, about 3 months ago, during worship, we sang a new song. It was about putting Jesus first. The Holy Spirit sent me a vision of the Lord sitting at a table. Next to him was my “anxiety stuff” in a pile. The Lord said ‘you can choose me or the pile’. What an easy choice! I know in my heart that God wants me to be at home, which means He will take care of the rest. He has put it on my husband’s heart, so that he is motivated to take care of his family. I don’t have to have all the answers today! I’m not saying that I never feel anxious, nor will ever feel it again, but now I refer back to this promise. Not long after this I discovered this blog and one of the first posts I read was Find a New Dream. Yes! I love this post! Again affirmations from the Lord that I’m on the right path. Thank you for your work and for this guest blogger. God bless to you and yours. P.S. sorry for any typos I’m writing this on my phone up in the night with a little one x
Stunning story. Beautiful. Because, as I have discovered in my own walk, it is a choice. Not a choice to never feel anxious, but a choice to believe your anxiety or to believe the wonderful love of God. It is easy when you put it like that. <3
Thank you for this! <3 i have struggled with anxiety and depression after having my daughter. I can relate to this. One thing is for sure my husband also felt as if i did not trust him. And well, i had my own issues i had to work through on top of the anxiety/depression to work on… But i think i really didnt fully trust him for a while. But the anxiety made it even worse! After my marriage Journey the Lord lead me through recently. I have been realeased from
All that other than occassional spurges of the anxiety/depression. When that happens i make sure to tell people/(especially my husband) how I am feeling and i turn on our christian radio station and I pray against the enemy in the name and blood of jesus. Having friends who believe in the power of prayer and who have actively prayed for me and with me has made a HUGE difference in fighting anxiety and depression.