Do you care most what God thinks of you, or what your husband thinks of you?
Every Friday I like to run a short inspirational 400 word piece about marriage–with one little thought you can chew on over the weekend. Today I want to talk about reputations.
Sheila’s Marriage Moment: When You Care Too Much About What Your Husband Thinks of You
On Monday morning I took a deep breath, picked up the phone, and geared myself up to talk to the IRS about an ongoing issue. Before I called, I prayed and asked God, “Please, let me not embellish to make myself look good. Let me just be honest.” God’s been convicting me lately that I have a habit of trying to show myself in the best possible light.
I wonder: does this tendency affect our marriages?
I recently heard Canadian hockey legend Paul Henderson say this: “Don’t give a second thought about your reputation, but be ruthless about developing your character.”
Don't care about your reputation, but be ruthless about developing character - Paul Henderson Click To Tweet
So brilliant. What’s important is not what others think of us, but what God thinks of us.
How do we live this out in our marriages?
When we want our husbands to think the best of us, we can stretch the truth. We can make excuses for ourselves. We can concentrate more on winning an argument than on growing intimacy.
When we want our husbands to think of us in a certain way, we can act like a martyr–like we’re the one who is always put upon, and he’s the one who is always wrong. We can rely on pride in our identity as the “longsuffering wife” rather than on humility before God.
Or then there’s the flipside: when we want our husbands to think well of us we may follow them into sin. We may not say “no” to things we know are wrong.
We may become enablers rather than the strong helpers that God made us to be. We may become so scared to rock the boat that we say nothing as our husbands degrade us. We may say nothing as they fall deeper into addictions or into laziness.
But what happens if we are ruthless about developing our character? We’ll become humble before God, which will make us honest before our husbands. We’ll be able to accept blame for things we’ve done, without taking blame for things that he has done. We’ll be able to see clearly to deal with longstanding conflicts. We’ll be able to find the win-win in marriage, rather than only trying to make him lose so that we look good.
Loving our husbands does not mean valuing our reputation in front of them. It means always, always valuing first what God thinks of us. That’s the only way to properly love anyone.
The most loving thing is to care more about what God thinks than what your spouse thinks. Click To Tweet
What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?
We almost have all spots filled with #1’s this week! Â But I had to shake things up with something new to add to the mix. Â This week, a theme we haven’t looked for a while has popped up and it’s an important one: submission vs abuse. Â Also check out some ideas on how to spice things up!
#1 NEW Post on the Blog: Top 10 Way To Not Be A Miserable Mama
#1 on the Blog Overall:Â How To Initiate Sex
#1 from Facebook: Submission Doesn’t Mean Lying Down And Taking It
#5 from Pinterest:Â Top 10 Ways To Be More Adventurous In Bed
I Need 92 people to get to 50,000 on Facebook
As of right now, I need less than 100 people to bring my Facebook fan base to 100,000. If we’re not connected there yet, could you go like that page? I post great older posts, new stuff I’ve found around the web, questions for posts I’m writing that help give me ideas, and more! I’d love to see you there.
Why I’ve Been Feeling Convicted
Sometimes someone says a little pithy thing and it just sticks with you. And then it starts to really make a difference.
I hope that sometimes I say those things for you. That truly is my prayer.
But I just love that saying that I heard from Paul Henderson at that marriage conference: Don’t give a second thought about your reputation, but be ruthless about developing your character.
God really spoke to me through that. How many times have I been in knots about commenters saying mean things or about people disagreeing with me? And yet, ultimately, all that matters is that I’m faithful before God. That will make me humble enough to ask, “does anything they say warrant me reconsidering?”, but it will also make me confident enough to disregard it, to shake the dust off of my feet, if I know it’s wrong.
But it’s also made a difference in really little things. I was doing some of my end of the year accounting this week, and I’d be transferring numbers from one place to another. And if I forgot whether it was $509.42 or $509.24, I’d double check. Normally I’d just go with what I thought I remembered, but I didn’t want to write $0.42 if the expense was actually only $0.24. Such a silly little thing, but I couldn’t let it go just because of that one sentence that Paul Henderson spoke!
So I don’t know if I should be grateful or not :), but I think I am. I do want to be more consistent and more confident with my worth in God, and I pray that this will stick with me.
Don’t Forget My Giveaway from Yesterday!
You can enter for a bundle of goodies here.
I’m Almost Finished the Scarves!
I’ve been knitting up a storm over the last two weeks to knit scarves for some of my “patrons“–people who support this blog with a regular monthly contribution, which helps me hire some staff to free up time so I can do more webinars and videos that I’m planning for this year, and which will hopefully (it’s my prayer) raise enough money to expand the marriage ministry into some missions trips to Africa and Eastern Europe.
I’ve got 5 scarves to knit for some of my bigger supporters! Here I am knitting at the marriage conference:
and here’s what my coffee table looks like right now (I finished a third scarf last night; one more to go!)
When I was in Colorado last week, I met up with one of my patrons and hand-delivered her scarf to her! So fun to meet with Amy:
I send an email out to the patrons every week with links to what I’ve been reading and thinking and questions that they can help me with. It’s like a my own focus group! And they’ve been helping me brainstorm new ways to explain what my book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage is about, and I’ve been sending their feedback to my publisher. So helpful. (Oh, and they get rewards, too. I’m not the only one who benefits. 🙂 )
It’s just a way that I can get to know some of my readers better. So if you’d like to join us, come on over! But if you don’t–I’ll always be here and on Facebook, and I’m not going anywhere! 🙂
My Happiest Instagram Moment…
…this week wasn’t actually from my instagram. It was from my daughter Katie’s.
I just like the status update from this. Nice to know my girls still spontaneously get together, even when they don’t live at home anymore! Although I’m appalled that Katie didn’t order the crunchy chocolate chip. Who goes to Laura Secord and doesn’t order crunchy chocolate chip? When I would take them when they were little girls they both always got crunchy chocolate chip, but now that Katie’s out on her own and spending her own money she has left the fold and ventured further afield. At least Rebecca got her order right. #geneticsbaby
Have a great weekend, everyone!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
This blog is wonderful! When I got married I had only read the debi pearl type books that teach that what your husband thinks of you IS what God thinks of you and I have to turn myself inside out conforming to what my husband wants me to be to keep him from sin. Not even two years into our marriage engulfed in his anger, abuse and porn addiction I reached the height of depression thinking I was trapped in this madness and that God hated me as much as my husband did for “causing this mess”. The trouble was no matter how much submission and respect I tried the problems just got worse. Then I came across your blog and books and they are exactly what my starving soul needed. It is the most freeing thing to know that I don’t have to put up with his sin, it’s not my fault and God is on my side. It’s amazing! Just a couple months into my transformation my husband still has his mood swings, the porn still surfaces, and he still refuses to get an accountability partner. We obviously have a long road ahead of us. However! he is treating me remarkably better. I would have never guessed! Once he realized I refused to take his garbage and that I was justified in that, he backed way down. It strengthens me to know that my identity as a person and my identity in Christ have NOTHING WHATEVER to do with my husband. God expects much more of me than to submissively stand by and watch him wreck our marriage, terrify our babies and ruin himself. Your ministry has been an immense blessing to me. Thank you very much!
Oh, wow! Thank you so much for leaving that comment. That so encouraged me today! I’m going to print it out and save it. 🙂
And I’ll be praying for the continued transformation on your marriage, too.
praying for you and your marriage!
Oh my, YES! I totally did the whole debit pearl tuber submission, respect, the whole 9 yards. Hubby barked, I cowed. The man didn’t have to lift a finger and I was a yes-wife. Doormatted, disrespected, used…..and hubby felt useless and lost. He didn’t have a wife, an equal partner, someone he could talk to and be friends with. He had a slave, an object and didn’t know what to do about it. I acted like I liked it, but he knew I was miserable. I thought he liked being abusive towards me, but he hated it. We were both so lost.
A big turning point was when we argued and I stood up to him. Instead of cowing and crying, I got on his level in his face. I thought he was going to hate me for it, for being unsubmissive a disrespectful, but he liked having a strong woman he could respect and partner with. Now we are learning to both be strong and mature and talk without arguing.
One thing I have to be careful about is that hubby likes to scrap and fight dirty….and he loves when I play along. Swearing, flipping the bird, abusive actions…..he gets a kick out of it. Feisty women do it for him. But I don’t want to fight dirty whether in jest or for real. It makes me feel dirty, even though hubby likes it. I think ultimately it will hurt us both.
I love your blog! You are such an inspiration! It took me a long time (longer than I’ll admit) to realize that if I cared more about God’s opinion of me than my husband’s it would get better. I now know that no matter God is the more important factor in our marriage. He knows best and will work out all things according to His will. Thanks for an awesome reminder!
So glad, Regina! And you’re welcome!
Wow! Just what I needed to read today – a direct answer to a prayer for me! Thanks once again Sheila! Love your blog, and yes, your words do change people’s lives for the better!
Well,you know, I’ve told you before that your blog post on Children and divorce REALLY convicted me to work things out with my husband in 2011 when I’d discovered his affair. 🙂
And that still gives me shivers! So neat.
and I think I know which one of those scarves is mine :p
It’ll be in the mail soon. 🙂
no worries. 😀
Honestly, always put God first, without God there is no marriage, no relationship. Not anything of value anyway.
If you love God and put Him first and then your husband/wife next then you will have a better marriage and relationship.
I am desperate and suicidal. I wish God would just show me and my husband the same things so that we can live in peace and harmony. He wants to tie me up when we have sex. I believe it is sexual perversion. If I just could accept it as OK and submit I think I could enjoy it, but I have been unable to do that. When I have gone for help they tell me if it is uncomfortable and I don’t want to do it I should just say no. And divorce him if necessary. That is easier said than done. Every time I say no my husband says I am smacking him in the face and not allowing him to show love the main way he feels it. I would rather die than face his continued rejection of my beliefs and he can’t handle my constant rejection of him. I gave in reluctantly years ago and never reconciled it in my heart. He says that time was our most intimate, but I felt so guilty. I have you usuall said no for about 13 years. Ever since I went into the hospital for depression about six years ago, I have said no. Now our 20th anniversary is coming up and my husband feels he can’t let it drop. I would do it if I could just drop the belief that it is wrong. Otherwise I fear any hope of enjoying my anniversary or even having a slightly intimate marriage is doomed. What can I do? Do I submit? Which sin is worse, rebelling on this or giving in? Help!
Hi Bre, I am so, so sorry that you are going through this. Let me say something loudly and clearly: Tying you up and using you sexually is NOT the way your husband feels love. That is a DISTORTION of love. (I am not saying that playfulness is a sin, by the way; but insisting on bondage, even when your spouse is very uncomfortable, is NOT right).
Yes, your husband needs sex to feel intimate. That’s fine. But bondage is not sex; bondage is an extreme form of sex, and it is not making love. Again, I know many couples do it playfully, but that’s not what I’m talking about here. What I’m talking about is something that you feel is really wrong, and that he is insisting on, EVEN WHEN IT IS MAKING YOU SICK.
That is wrong. Many people get fixated on certain sexual things they want to do largely because of porn use in the past; it has distorted the way they see sex so that they don’t understand the spiritual aspect of it.
I’d recommend reading these things:
The Top 10 Effects of Porn
How to Experience Spiritual Intimacy when you make love
My Husband Wants something in bed I think is gross
Read through them with him. And maybe even try the 31 Days to Great Sex, because that helps you to talk about sex together, understand what it means to be spiritually intimate when you make love, and talk about how to spice things up and how to decide on boundaries without pressuring each other or breaking trust. It might help you with some conversations. I really hope that helps.
And also, if you are that depressed, please talk to a counselor or get some help. This is horrible, and God doesn’t want you dealing with it alone.