Can you forgive the other woman in your husband’s life–the other woman who destroyed your marriage?
Today Lauren McKinley from Her Soul Repair joins us to tell what I think is honestly a beautiful story about “the other woman”. I’ve never been in her position, but this still brought tears to my eyes, and I think is a beautiful example of grace in a difficult situation. Here’s Lauren:
Scenes from the past three years of my life have looked very similar to an episode of a trashy talk show. Double lives, affairs, addiction, manipulation and all sorts of crazy in between. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought to myself, “This can’t be real life!”
And worse off, it rarely died down. As soon as I thought the madness was lessening, I’d be jolted in the opposite direction with a whole new twist. Each new twist brought me to a deeper level of emotional exhaustion, heartbreak, and grief.
Our divorce was final this past April and I will say it’s been smooth(er) sailing since then. The finality felt nice. Not nice in a, “what great news!” type of way, but more in a freedom to start over knowing I gave my marriage my whole heart. I use finality lightly because in having our daughter, there was no real end to the relationship I hold with my ex-husband. Nor do I want there to be for the sake of my daughter. She deserves parents that remain united in their love for her. However, still having him in my life does bring a tricky dynamic, to put it politely. Mostly because it’s not just him, it’s them.
The third party in our story–the other woman–stuck around.
There was much resistance on my end about the interactions that would come between “the other woman” and my daughter. There was a full year where they did not see one another. I didn’t trust her intentions for my family (for obvious reasons) nor did I trust her character.
Graciously, after a year had gone by of her respecting my request, I saw fit for my daughter to spend time with her. After all, my daughter was piecing together that Daddy’s “friend” lived at Daddy’s house. My daughter only had nice things to say about this new person in her life, and if there’s one staple I could give for the entire divorce and rebuilding process, it would be, take the good with the bad.
If you’re currently sharing your child with someone you’d rather not, take heart.
I will tell you flat out, splitting time with the other woman got easier. This time was never spent alone, always with my ex-husband supervising. Sifting through this new reality is a completely separate tangent. There are many practical and legal specifics that go into their current relationship. And these stipulations WILL change IF this woman takes on the role of stepmom.
For now, I view her as an individual who shows care for my daughter (and lives with my ex-husband). That very statement has been a gradual undertaking. The shift away from viewing her as the homewrecker is ongoing, one that is motivated by forgiveness.
This is fresh in my mind because last week I received an email from her.
As I said before, since April life has been smooth(er), but there are loose ends. This was one of them. Her email offered an apology. Her words illustrated awareness of the destruction she caused. She spoke of her hope for a cordial blended family in the future.
She understood if I didn’t respond. She understood if I still hated her.
In short, my response to her read a little something like this:
My choice to forgive has been a process that I decided on three years ago, soon after everything went down. I say process because it is a decision I have to make over and over. Some days it’s easier than others and some days I am better at it than others. The past is behind us and life has moved on.
People make mistakes and all we can do at this point is make the most of the situation we are in … I too have hopes of a blended family where everyone gets along famously, being that exception to the rule of tension and bitterness. We can navigate through that once it’s more of a reality though. As for now, thank you for reaching out and for showing care for my daughter.
Many advised me not to respond, that “the other woman” didn’t deserve to even hear from me.
However, if I’ve learned anything it’s to keep your peanut gallery safe and protected. I saw her apology as brave and humble.
This little back and forth between us had me reflecting on the forgiveness that has occurred over the past three years. I spent months where my mind would spin with questions like, “How do you forgive the person who took the life you loved, the heart of your spouse and the family your daughter deserved?” It always came back to committing to the decision, not the feeling. Ironic how that notion would have kept us from this mess in the first place.
The wisdom of C.S. Lewis acted as an anchor:
Do not waste time bothering whether you ‘love’ your neighbor; act as if you did. As soon as we do this we find one of the great secrets. When you are behaving as if you loved someone, you will presently come to love him.
For me, I would replace love with forgiveness in the passage above, although if we are being real, the two go hand in hand.
Nothing about forgiveness is easy. Nothing about it is deserved.
However, the alternative leaves you in a bitter, emotional prison. My decision to forgive has pieced my heart back together. With all that piecing back together, I can honestly say I stand thankful to experience forgiveness at this great of depth. In a way, it gives me a humble glimpse into the forgiveness God graciously extends. And if you feel that forgiving is just too much, simply act as if you do, and you will. Commit to the decision, not the feeling.
Lauren McKinley is the founder of Her Soul Repair, an online community of women who are healing from the brokenness in marriage. Her heart gushes for all things marriage and family. More specifically, she loves encouraging women who have every reason to call it quits in marriage. She is a Truth-seeker, mama to one, teacher by trade, and writer by passion. Her first book, Stop Wrecking My Home, will be released in Fall 2016. When she’s not writing, she enjoys spending time with her daughter, sharing meals with dear friends, and adventuring to new places. She is most passionate about sharing the peace God can bring to even the most heartbreaking situations.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Forgiveness is easier said than done when what you can’t forgive has nothing to do with homewrecking. It doesn’t have to do with the fact she pretended to be one of my best friends while deliberately pursuing my husband deliberately trying to split up our marriage.
There are three things I don’t know if I can ever forgive “the other woman” that he ended up marrying (as opposed to the many mistresses and manstresses he was involved with when we seperated).
1. The threats she made to me to bash my daughter who was only six years old when the threats started. The verbal abuse she hurled at my daughter to her face. The cyberbullying she did to my daughter, including making fun of her autism (You may wonder how a 6 year old gets cyberbullied but the “other woman” would publicly write untrue, nasty things about my daughter on her [ the other woman’s] facebook and then my exhusband would use his facebook as a babysitter during his access visits, so my daughter would read all the awful things written about her – and the family court refused to consider this a reason to stop his access to my poor daughter). And finally in regards to my daughter with my exhusband, the other woman did the unspeakable – she molested my daughter. Unfortunately, my daughter shut down and refused to talk about it and the other woman got away with it- and without police charges, the family court refused to even accept that it happened.
Thankfully once the other woman finally got pregnant, she blackmailed my exhusband into cutting off contact with my daughter. I say thankfully as she has made it very clear she wishes my daughter was dead.
2. The reason my ex and I separated had nothing to do with the cheating – it was because he bashed our daughter who was only five at the time. A month after we separated, he came back and savagely beat me, murdering our unborn baby. Several months later, the other woman admitted she’d been telling him for months before that to bash me in her efforts to break up our marriage. After admitting to that, she then made fun of my poor dead baby. My exhusband is mentally ill and suffers from psychoses – while he is partially responsible for what happened, the other woman knew what she was doing telling him to bash me and taking advantage of my friendship with her to feed him lies to set off his paranoid delusions. I blame her for the murder of my baby. And then to make fun of it – how does one forgive that?
3. I finally thought my ex and the other woman were out of lives when he cut off contact with my daughter five years ago. Randomly a few months ago, the other woman sent me threats to not only harm my now 14 year old, but to also harm my two year old with my second husband. My kids mean everything to me, I still grieve for my lost baby – but to have a grown woman threaten a helpless innocent two year old????
How does one forgive that? I genuinely am asking that. I would like to forgive but I live in fear that my ex and the other woman will find us and hurt my kids or worse. She is a genuinely diagnosed psychopath. She suffers from several personality disorders. I fear for my kids lives at times. How can you forgive someone that you are scared will harm your kids?
The actions of this woman are so horrific that I don’t think anyone would expect you to “forgive” her…. or in this context “forgiving” simply means keeping your distance from her to minimize any interaction between you and your children.
Exactly! There’s a great article by Visionary Womanhood that’s up today on the difference between forgiveness and reconciliation–I just read it and thought it was excellent. Here’s just a taste:
Read the whole thing.
Thanks. I know God has forgiven us hurting Him so much more than any human can ever do to hurt us, but I really struggle with forgiving those who deliberately hurt children. I can forgive my exhusband because I know he suffers genuinely with psychoses (even though it is his own choice to take illicit drugs instead of medication – he is irresponsible and selfish rather than actually setting out to be evil). I can forgive irresponsible and selfish.
The thing is, I would genuine like to forgive the other woman. In some ways, (until the incident late last year), it was in the past and dealt with. I held no bad feelings for her. I figured being angry wouldn’t bring back my lost baby, and when it comes to the things she did to my now-teenage daughter, it is my daughter who was the victim, not me personally. I can be righteously angry for my daughter’s sake, but not for myself – I actually don’t feel that it was even up to me to choose to forgive or not to forgive – I believe it is up to my daughter to make the choice as she is the one those things happened to. It is not place to feel angry, it is not my place to forgive, it is not my place to not forgive. That is between my daughter and God, what she chooses to do feel and do about what happened.
That used to give me great peace, reminding myself that as disgusted and righteously angry as a third party who witnessed terrible abuse, that I would be doing my daughter a great disservice to make what she went through about my own thoughts and feelings. I have done everything in my power to help her find comfort, and peace and to try to work towards forgiveness but in it all, it’s about her feelings, her suffering, her needs, not my own.
But ever since the threats to harm my two year old last year, and specifically purely to hurt me, I really struggle to forgive. I know I need to, and I know it’s not about reconciliation (there are some people that even if they were genuinely remorseful, that deep down they are too dangerous to allow into your life or your family’s life ever again), and all I can do is hope God will forgive me for being unable to forgive (at least at this point in time) that woman for what she has done to my children.
I have always considered forgiveness to be a journey not a destination. Some days it is easier to feel forgiving towards a person than others. When someone has wronged us badly enough, forgiving them is something we have to keep choosing to do over and over, long after the wrong has occurred, sometimes for life. There are days I can forgive, there are days I don’t think about it, and there are days I cannot. I pray though that I can reach a point where the days I can’t forgive reach zero.
I think this is very true: “I have always considered forgiveness to be a journey not a destination. “. I’ve found that in my own life, too!
I pray for peace for you.
Butterfly wings, I believe that your current focus on forgiveness is maybe a bit counterproductive. I think the underlying issue here is fear. Your story is marked by threads and abuse by this woman and your ex husband. I think what you need is to feel safe. This is something between you and God. And I believe once you find peace and perfect love there (which drives out fear) you’ll find that the threads of this woman are not as terrifying anymore. And you’ll be able to leave it behind. But I would also advise you to seek legal counsel if another threat occurs, even though they didn’t help you in the past, a different judge or lawyer might actually help you get some legal protection too. I think the legal system let you down in the past and this might be an underlying issue of the insecurity too.
Sheila:
That is a very insightful article! If I had read it several years ago, it would have saved me a lot of anger and bitterness (in general, not specific to today’s topic). I have been working through a list of people who had wounded me, in order to get past the anger. I finally used a journal format where I wrote down the wrong, then wrote of my decision to let go of the anger because it was harming me and keeping me stuck. I would like to reconcile with some people, but I will need to wait for God to change their hearts. In the meantime, I will be civil, but the relationships are damaged and I cannot fix them by myself.
So far, I have only had one situation where I felt like I needed to contact the person, and that was because I was relatively powerless during the offense and I needed to be able to say, “That was not okay and we both know it.” After I sent the letter, I was done with it.
I still have occasional feelings of anger about these situations (some caused great harm to my kids), but then I say to myself, ” Remember, you’ve decided to put down this burden. ” If God wants to work on their hearts, I will listen to what they have to say. If God wants to remind me to claim responsibility for my part, I am trying to do that, too.
It is a very slow process.
It is a very slow and continual process! I am proud of the progress you’ve made and the steps you’ve taken to forgive. I will be praying that God will continue to heal your heart and protect it from bitterness.
It’s certainly gracious for Laura and all women in these circumstances to forgive the “other woman”. Without taking away from that compliment, I would also add that forgiveness is made much easier by the other person asking for it.
What a very hard situation you have been in. I’m glad you are making the realization that you have to move away from her being the other woman that wrecked your home to someone that is caring for your daughter. How very very hard that must be for you, but so necessary. I can’t even imagine how you’ve gotten to a place where you can write about this.
This really struck me hard. I was that other woman 30 plus years ago. I knew it was wrong, but was young and naïve. Initially I felt that spark of interest in him, but in talking it over with his cousin, (my friend), I expected her to hold me accountable. Instead, what I got was full-blown matchmaking by her and her parents, as they liked me but hated his wife. They encouraged our affair, while hiding it from his wife. I was desperate for love and quickly found myself in over my head. I have experienced guilt and self-loathing over the years because I know it was destructive, for all parties involved. I thought for sure I was going to hell upon death. I wish people I had loved then would have lovingly held me accountable because the situation was not good for anyone! I was not evil, promiscuous, etc., but it seems I will wear that red letter A forever. Society also gives mixed messages. I remember years ago seeing on the cover of a magazine, an article that spoke of how a mistress can make him choose. It seems that all sinners are forgiven, but never the other woman, she is called the home wrecker, etc. at least by society as a whole. And the same fate for the unfaithful partner. The author is making a choice to forgive, and is trying to move in a positive direction, and I hope she finds the healing she seeks as I have no doubt her wounds were deep and traumatic. I want to say I would change things if I could go back. I too want forgiveness, and to be judged on the whole span of my life, not one time span when I was young, naïve, and desperate. I think there are others who want forgiveness too, who along with me would advise those in an affair to end it, and seek support from a non-condemning loved one who has a strong moral compass. It is the fear of condemnation that keeps us silent rather than trying to prevent others from going down the same path, at least that is my thought. An affair causes emotional wounds (for everyone) , no matter what Hollywood, music, magazine articles, or your friends (who don’t use their moral compass) say to the contrary.
How bold of you to share your story! We all make choices we are not proud of that leave us dealing with the consequences for sometimes years to come. God’s mercy extends to even our darkest moments though. I will be praying that you can forgive yourself regardless of how people have viewed you in the past.
Thank you for this. It is just what I needed to hear. I often tell people my life is an episode of a bad talk show as well. 15 years of marriage is ending because this other woman, a Christian, a family friend, a marriage and family therapist, is having an affair and held my husbands hand while he left me. Some days I’m writhing in pain, some days in anger. Some days I feel as if I’ve moved on only to have the wind knocked out of me when she shows up to my 7 year olds baseball game with him in matching chairs. We have 3 kids. I don’t know how to do this but by God’s grace I will.
I feel so deeply for you and understand exactly what you said about the wind being knocked out of you.
This article really hits home with me. I was married for 10 years with 3 children. My husband didn’t want anymore children and wanted me to get my tubes after our 3rd child. I agreed thinking I was married and if he didn’t want anymore then there was no harm. I still wanted one more child, but I let that go. On my youngest child’s 3rd birthday, I found out my husband was having an affair with a woman from work. I don’t know how long it was going on…but once I found out, I fought for my marriage and my family for over a year. I begged this woman to walk away, to let me save my family and my children from pain. I begged my husband, I pleaded with him. We went to counseling until the counselor refused to see us any longer because he wouldn’t break it off. After that long hard road, I made the decision to leave. I was a stay at home for those 9 years before the divorce. Fast forward. I have been divorced for 9 years. My ex tried to destroy me financially through the divorce, lying about his finances to pay less support, called me names and terrible things to the kids as well as manipulated the kids to get everything he wanted and for life to be easy for him. He makes a lot of money and as I said before I was a stay at home mom so I was making no income at the time. The other woman organized his attorney, the realtor to sell the house, etc. she willing and knowingly went after my family. There are so many levels, on most days I can’t even organize how I feel. I honestly feel like I wanted to forgive both of them and I wanted to let it all go and move on as everyone says. But how do I do that when there is regular interaction and new things always happening that remind me of what was taken away from me?
I went back to college after the divorce and I have a decent career, but he makes a lot more money than me and can afford so much more. He used his money to drag me to court and in the end, he got the kids moved to a school down the street from his house, their doctors, sports, everything are right around where he lives. I can’t afford to live there, so I do an exorbitant amount of driving on my weeks. We get up really early (and the kids complain about getting up earlier at my house versus their Dad’s). They talk about how much easier it on Dad’s weeks. When we first divorced I couldn’t get him to do his every other weekend, but a year after our divorce he married the other woman and decided he wanted a new family, so he went for 1/2 custody. He manipulated the kids so they would tell me that I was keeping them from their daddy and not letting him have time with them, so I didn’t fight it, I let them go…it broke my heart. They immediately told my kids they could call her mommy and for the next several years I was in a battle to be the mother to my own kids. I had to work, so they went from being with my 24/7 to me working during that time, to just one year later seeing me only half the time. At the time my youngest was only 5. 3 years after our divorce I met a wonderful man and we got married. I reversed the surgery (which cost me a lot of money) so we could try to have a child. A short time later, I was told that my ex and this woman were pregnant, that was a hard blow. (It never occurred to me that they would have children since he didn’t “want anymore”). Up to this point, she had tried to replace me and win all my kids over…so I looked on the bright side and figured, now she had her own child and maybe she would back off and respect some boundaries. Then the second blow. She is going to be staying home. So, for the last 5 years…she has gotten to be a stay at home mom to my kids on their Dad’s weeks as well as to her new child. After all is said and done, my kids spend more actual time with this woman than they do me or their Dad since we both work. Every time my daughter is sad and tells me that she spends all this time with this woman and she wants to spend it with me, it breaks my heart all over again. They have taken my kids to Hawaii and Disneyland…I never in a million years imagined that my children would be experiencing those things for the first time as family without me, their mother. I wanted to be there when they went snorkeling for the first time and see the wonder in their faces, the first time they saw all the characters that we watched in all those Disney movies…the excitement, the joy…all ripped away and seen by the woman who tore my family apart. Each of these things breaks my heart all over again. How do I let these things go, how does it stop hurting? How do I stop being reminded of all the things that were taken away from me and my children? I don’t get this time back. I have had to work so hard and so much since the divorce, just to keep my head above the ground and provide a roof over their head and food. My time is gone, I can’t get back the hours and days, weeks, holidays, the memories that I didn’t get with them. I can’t get back that close bond I was forming by spending so much time with them. I can’t give them back their family, their grandparents, their cousins, their aunts and uncles…those have all been replaced with her family. They use to see their extended family on a regular basis…but this broke “everyone”. Both grandparents moved away.
I can’t take away my children’s hurt and pain. It feels never ending. It feels like there is always something new to remind me. My husband and I have now been trying for so many years and still have not been blessed with a child, we had one miscarriage. My ex and that woman are now pregnant a second time. Now she has my 3 children that I have to share with her and she has 2 of her own that she shares with no one and gets to stay home with.
I honestly just don’t know where to begin to forgive…I feel the pain and hurt they caused will be with me forever, regardless of whether or not I forgive them. My daughter is seeing a counselor because she struggles with emotions about having to go back and forth and about everything that has happened. The kids all feel that the child my ex has with this woman is favored and treated differently, especially my daughter. The kids tell me that their Dad has told them that he has apologized to me…he never has. The other woman has apologized to my oldest, but he has alot of anger toward her and has told his girlfriend that he wants his Dad to do the same thing to her that he did to me. I tell him that he has to try to let go of it, but he isn’t interested…he is angry. They all say they have forgiven their Dad…and I have encouraged them to do so as I understand that God expects that from us. I do try to understand things from their side and I can see they have guilt because when things happen, the kids tell me that they say things to them like…that was a long time ago, you need to get past that, are we supposed to be punished forever? Things like that…
I feel like they say the things they think they are supposed to say…but they don’t really mean it, or they don’t really understand the level of damage and pain they caused. From what the kids tell me, they have told them that what they did was wrong and they shouldn’t have done it, she even told the kids that she walked away at some point (which I completely and wholeheartedly disagree with). But it seems that they think just saying those words makes everything ok and all the pain and hurt should just go away because it makes them feel bad. My kids have a right to their feelings and a right to figure out how to sort through their feelings. I don’t think they should be made to feel bad that they are hurt by what was done. They literally feel like their Dad took their Mom away from them and at the same time, had a new child and has that mom at home with that child.
Sorry, rattled on forever there. On some days, I am ok and I just power through and choose to forgive and feel ok. But these feelings always surface when something happens in my life and I really want to get to a point where I can somehow not feel so hurt.
It seems so impossible at times, but the ability to forgive is really for you. I am so sorry that you have had to go through a tough road. Going forward, I pray that you are able to move on from the pain. This woman is now a part of your children’s life as stepmom, so you have to be able to come to a point of being able to work with your ex and her as well as your new husband to raise your kids together.
Encouraging words. I have been going through the healing after an affair. God has done a lot in my life. But some resurfaced anger keeps coming back because I never got to really face the other woman who happened to be my cousin. I felt it best to,completely cut ties and create distance. But sometimes i wonder if true forgiveness can happen unless I can express my anger and process it. Something to consider and pray further about. I’ve started a blog about my recovery and have found it also helpful and healing for me to share my story. Thank you for sharing yours. Mine is http://www.awifesrecoveryfromanaffair.wordpress.com