What does it mean to be sexually compatible?
Every Monday I like to post a Reader Question and take a stab at answering it. Today’s is from a young woman asking about how important sexual compatibility is–and how can you tell if you’re sexually compatible before marriage?
Reader Question
Having grown up in the church and believing that it is important to wait until marriage to have sex, I have never heard anyone talk about sexual compatibility or whether it’s even important. On the other hand, among my non-Christian friends, it is standard to have sex while dating to find out if you’re sexually compatible. I have a very high interest in sex and I am sometimes concerned that I will marry someone who isn’t as interested, or doesn’t really care about figuring out what makes me happy in that area. My questions are — what does it even mean to be “sexually compatible”? How can you tell if someone is a good match for you in that way without being sexually active before marriage?
Great question! Let’s look at a couple of broad truths and then I’ll try to give my answer.
Usually when people talk about sexual compatibility, they mean “does sex feel good for us”?
Do we turn each other on? Do we bring each other pleasure?
But here’s the sad reality, as Andy Stanley shares in his book The New Rules for Love, Sex and Dating:
You are sexually compatible with far more people than you are relationally compatible with.
I elaborated more on that point in my post on Andy’s best dating advice ever, but it’s worth noting again: just because you feel good sexually together doesn’t mean that you’re a good match. And often physical intimacy overshadows other forms of intimacy, and then we think we’re better together than we actually are. And soon the sexual fades, too. That’s why God wants us to wait for marriage for sex!
I’ve written before about sexual compatibility once you’re married; but today let’s look at how to think about sexual compatibility before you’re married, especially if you aren’t having sex.
A sexual relationship isn’t static over time
Here’s what people don’t realize when they talk about testing for sexual compatibility: sex changes over time. You may fit together great now, but what happens when she loses her libido right after she has a baby? What happens if he gets stressed at work for three years running and loses his libido? What happens if she goes through menopause and suddenly things that felt good for her once don’t feel good anymore? What happens if he experiences great healing in his life and suddenly becomes much MORE interested in sex now that he grasps real intimacy?
Changes in our health, our work situation, our age, or our kid situation will all make changes in our libidos and in our desires. They’ll even make changes in how our bodies react! That’s why this concept of sexual compatibility is fundamentally flawed, because it assumes that two people will always stay the same. We won’t. My husband and I have switched places at times on who has the higher libido. We haven’t always found the same things or positions fun. And that’s okay, because we change together.
That’s why:
Sexual compatibility is about giving grace to one another and being generous to one another
The whole idea of sexual compatibility, as it is usually framed, is essentially a selfish one. It’s asking:
Will this person meet my sexual needs?
But God made sex primarily to be relational. It happens between two people. So the essence of sexual compatibility is not finding someone who meets your needs; it’s deciding, together, that you will both be generous to one another and give grace to one another.
If you’re the lower drive spouse, you decide that you will go out of your way to meet your spouse’s desire for more sexual contact.
If you’re the higher drive spouse, you decide that you won’t withhold affection if your spouse isn’t able to make love as often as you’d like.
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If your spouse has hang ups because of past abuse or because of shame in his or her background, you work through healing with that spouse, you don’t get angry.
If your spouse has chronic pain, or suffers from pain during sex, you become patient and make allowances for that.
You view sex as something which should bring you together, and you never use it as a weapon against each other. You don’t pressure your spouse to do something which makes your spouse really uncomfortable–or that your spouse thinks is gross.
Which leads us to this point:
One’s character is a far better signal about whether you’re sexually compatible than one’s sexual prowess
When you marry, there will be times when you need some grace. Being with a spouse who expects you to always meet their needs is a recipe for a marriage fraught with tension. Being with someone who loves you and is willing to put your needs first, though, means that your marriage will thrive.
Focusing on whether you match sexually, then, isn’t the right question. It’s really: is this the kind of person who will make demands of me that I’m not comfortable with? Is this the kind of person who will withhold sex if they’re angry or if they don’t feel like it?
But aren’t there things we SHOULD be worried about when it comes to sexual compatibility?
Yes, but likely not the things you think.
There are issues like: what if his penis is too large or too small? But honestly, you can deal with these things. Different positions can make you tighter if he’s on the small side. (lifting your legs above his shoulders; rear entry). Similarly, different positions can help if he’s on the large side (traditional missionary position; using lots of lubricant). Most people never really encounter many problems in this way.
And most things, like sexual skill, can be learned over time. You shouldn’t expect someone to know everything all at once, and it’s okay if it takes a while to get things right! Most women take a few years to reach orgasm during intercourse, and that’s okay.
The biggest causes of sexual incompatibility are not about how you connect physically when you have sex. They’re about what you demand of each other, expect of each other, and expect sex to be.
God made sex to be AWESOME!
It’s supposed to be great physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
Feel like something’s missing?
We think of sexual compatibility as primarily being a physical thing, but it’s actually more about one’s spiritual condition.
As I went to great lengths to explain in The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, sex isn’t just physical. It’s about feeling like you’re one. It’s emotional and spiritual intimacy, too. And it’s these things which are most likely to mess up a sex life.
For instance, one commenter recently wrote that for the last twelve years her husband has been insisting on tying her up during sex, because that’s the only way he’ll feel loved. That’s not loving. That’s a sign that he has totally misunderstood what spiritual intimacy is.
If a man (or a woman) has used porn in the past, their views of what they want during sex are likely to be highly influenced by pornography. They may insist on things that make their spouse feel uncomfortable, because porn tends to objectify the sexual partner and feed into this idea that sex is impersonal, and all about getting my own needs met.
If a woman (or a man) has grown up thinking that sex is somehow shameful, then they may end up thinking that sex isn’t important in a marriage, and think that their spouse is “an animal” for wanting it too much.
If a woman (or a man) has been sexually assaulted or abused, or has been exposed to porn, they may find certain sexual acts so revolting that they can’t do them, even if they’re relatively run of the mill.
If a woman (or a man) has sexual confusion, they may want to get married so that they feel that the confusion is behind them since now they’re in a heterosexual relationship. However, that’s unlikely to affect their libido or sexual preferences.
All of these problems are caused by either sinfulness or woundedness. Some can be dealt with by a very loving and patient spouse who is willing to give the person time to heal. Others are a big red flag that marriage should likely be off of the table.
But none of these things is about how you physically fit together. They’re all about a sinful, or a broken, heart.
So how do we know if we’re sexually compatible?
Once you’re with someone you’re really interested in marrying, have some honest talks about sexual expectations. Talk about what you’ll do if your libidos don’t match. Talk about how sex is likely a learning curve, and it may not be great right off the bat. Talk about how you’ll decide what’s okay to do.
I know those conversations are hard to have before you’re married. You don’t want to make it harder to wait! But I think they’re important to have. Just do it outside, while you’re taking a walk, and not inside while lying on the couch alone.
Sexual compatibility is about giving grace to one another and being generous to one another.
Be frank about pornography. Make sure that you both have access to each other’s phones and search histories. Certainly we want to respect each other, but if you’re thinking of marrying someone, there can’t be secrets. If your beloved has used porn, make sure they’ve worked through how that has affected their sexual expectations.
And here’s a tip: if you’re in love and thinking of marrying, and your beloved is obviously NOT struggling with trying to stay pure, that’s a serious sexual red flag. You SHOULD be having a difficult time keeping your hands off of each other. If that’s not a struggle, then that’s where you have to question whether there’s an underlying sexual problem.
I hope that helps! Now let’s talk in the comments: What do you think the keys to sexual compatibility are?
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Nice one. Phones and search histories. Wish I knew about this earlier. Would have saved myself alot. Will be smarter and more prayerful too next time.
I’m sorry for all the pain you went through! I really am.
This phrase “sexually compatible” is a word that seculars use to justify sleeping around before marriage. They don’t want to buy a car without test driving it so to speak. I don’t agree with it. God created us male and female, and scriptures say “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24). When two people cleave to each other they become one and when you cleave with many then you still carry all of them with you. Our pastor likened it as cleaving to a prostitute. It’s something you just don’t do. If your boyfriend or girlfriend can’t wait until marriage to have sex then they are probably not right for you.
Whooooaaaaa! What about the prostitutes that God chose to be married? Should the men have refused? Should we judge someone on their past? Especially since most prostitutes are forced into the business? Not a lot of grace in that answer MattB. And I personally don’t carry ANY OF my past boyfriends with me. I left that behind where it belongs. But I do agree that if someone is pressuring you to have sex and you don’t want to, then you should get away from them.
Maybe not but it’s the truth. If the church as in the bride of Christ would to join with a prostitute it would be tainted. Your body is a temple and should be treated as such. I am no saint not by a long shot and sex with my wife before marriage is something I deeply regret. I am not judging you or anyone else for what you do in your bedroom or anywhere else because it’s not my job to do so. But as christians we have the right to point out sin to our brothers and sisters in Christ. I personally I have only slept with one person and that’s the person I married.
There are some things we do before we are christians that we would never do as christians. I am one that has been tainted but God has forgiven me in Christ and the soul ties with those people have been broken. I now see the errors of my past but praise God it has not affected my marriage and my wife was a virgin when she met me. As for sexual compatibility that was never something I would have discussed with her before marriage. I think if one marries in good faith these things work out and they have. Not that I don’t have any sexual problems I do, but these can be worked out.
I’m curious how you’ve left your boyfriends in the past, Angie! I guess I thought I did, but when some sexual struggles popped up in my marriage recently, after a lot of prayer and soul-searching, I realized that my subconscious is STILL trying to heal from my previous sexual encounters 15 years ago (that didn’t even include actual sex), and I’ve now been married 10 years. It’s not even a forgiveness issue, because I don’t struggle there; it’s a dissociation thing that Sheila has blogged about elsewhere as my mind is trying to reconcile healthy sexual expression with my husband from the damaging effects of my past sinful sexual experiences.
I think that is what Matt is trying to get at. I think it is God’s design for us to save these things for marriage, so we can better enjoy it with less baggage. His commandment is from a place of love for us, and there are consequences when we go outside of that. There is grace for us, of course! But I do want to be open with others that I have been hurt by my past and I sincerely wish it wasn’t a part of my life. I am so thankful for God’s mercy and grace (as well as my husband’s patience) while I work to undo the lies I “learned” from past sins that do affect me today.
So no, that doesn’t mean my husband shouldn’t have married me because I was not pure. NONE of us are pure. Redeemed women with a history of prostitution can and should get married, but those of us that have wandered farther from healthy sexual expression may encounter a lot more sexual baggage than other women. God loves us enough to warn us about the things that will hurt us, but he also provides the grace to heal from those sins when we repent and believe. The gospel is so beautiful that way! ????
Kay, it has been a long hard row to hoe, if you catch my country slang, lol. I had to learn that what happened to me initially was NOT my fault, and to forgive myself for my choices after that. Then, I had to just LET IT GOOOOOOO! My husband and I neither judge each other for our pasts nor hold it against each other. I hardly ever think of those ghosts, and when I do it’s usually with a smidge of disdain and I move on to what’s immediately in front of me. But no, I don’t feel “tied to” these people in the past like some authors have tried to say we all are. Maybe if someone is still in love with someone from their past or hasn’t healed from past abuse that might be true. Good luck on your healing journey! May it be swift and complete.
Sometimes an ungodly soul tie is made through sex before marriage. If that person walks into a room where you are you will know it and there will be something between you if the soul tie has not been broken. This is done through simple repentance and asking God to break the soul tie.
I agree with Matt. Having been married for forty years, with many struggles over sex in our marriage, I can tell you that the actual sex itself has never been the problem. When we both are connecting emotionally and spiritually, the sex is always great. The problems have always arisen from not making a relationship priority, and putting other things before our relationship. Children , jobs, housework etc. My experience has been that if you make your marriage a priority, and work to love and cherish one another, there is nothing that can’t be worked through. Contrary to popular belief, love is not an emotion, it’s a decision that you make every day. Affection, or infatuation is the emotion that goes along with it. And it grows toward the object of your affection, as you practice being loving towards them.
I agree. Love is a continues action, it’s something that you do.
It’s so surprising how many Christian young people have questions about sexual compatibility! Was this even a question in Christian culture before pornography was so available and godless lifestyles were so acceptable?
I wonder that, too. I don’t remember the phrase really from when I was growing up.
Blame Cosmo magazine.
I was going to say that the most important sex organ that presents compatibility issues is the one between our ears 😉 and I still think that’s mostly true, but this quote says something even more important:
Sexual compatibility is about giving grace to one another and being generous to one another
Bravo!
And comments like these are why I’ve avoided Christianity and “Christians” for years. Why don’t you just start stoning people again?
I’m sorry, Angie, if the comments came off as harsh. It’s interesting that one of the first witnesses to Jesus’ resurrection was a woman with a very checkered past–and I think that was a deliberate pick on God’s part, to show that He is grace. And there are two prostitutes in Jesus’ lineage, too–Tamar and Rahab.
There’s even an Old Testament book about a prophet who married a prostitute to demonstrate God’s grace and love.
I don’t think the issue here is really about what people have done in the past, but rather how we move forward and have great sex in our marriages, and for that, it’s really about giving grace and being generous, rather than trying to find some magical physical connection. That was the point I was trying to make, and I really wasn’t trying to comment on anything else.
No! I totally get what you were saying Sheila! And I agree with it, especially having come from a (colorful?) past. What I was ranting against were the mens’ comments that were so judgemental. Since No one calls men whores, prostitutes, or sluts it really raises my shackles, especially coming from SUPPOSEDLY Christians. I was hurt by Christian men for the most part in the past, so I have a bad taste in my mouth when it comes to hypocrisy and judgementalness.
What is the best way to ask a “reader question”, Sheila? I can’t seem to find your email address. 🙂 Thanks so much!
PS, this info is very helpful. I am thankful that this young woman asked you instead of Cosmo or Glamour about sexual compatability.
I’m glad she asked me, too! And you can send me anything through my contact page here. 🙂
“Men are sexually compatible with goats,” as one of my Bible professors once said. Ha! In other words, sexual compatibility shows a complete lack of understanding about God’s design for sex. I think it shows that the person who asks the question has bought the lie hook, line, and sinker that sex is merely physical. This is why I love your discovery that the best sex happens 16-20 years into marriage, Sheila, when you are mature enough and know one another well enough to experience sex on ALL levels–physical, emotional, and spiritual. Truly GREAT sex is only something that comes with time and Christ-like, selfless love. If you are stuck on sexual comparability and claim to be a Christian, I hope with all my heart that another Christian comes along to explain what sex REALLY is and why sexual compatibility is nonsense.
I met with a college classmate before she got married and I told her was to remember that sex is something you learn and *keep* learning, and it will never stay the same for long. This is a really good thing, and something to cling to in seasons when sex just isn’t working, and those seasons WILL come. Sometimes sex will be so good it makes you cry, and sometimes it will be so bad it makes you cry. And that’s is all okay when you are with the one you have committed your life to, because there is always tomorrow. God’s grace is new every day, even in the bedroom.
Exactly! It really is always about learning and changing, and that’s okay!
So to sum up. Sexual compatibility is not a thing. Character totally still is. In fact, character might be the *only* important thing.
I feel like I need to write a book about all the weird incompatible beliefs floating around in the “secular” world. The idea of sexual compatibility is underpinned by several things; notably, that your sexuality is something fixed and static that cannot be changed. Yet people advocating it would ask questions like what if your partner has kinky tastes from watching porn? Like, what? So my partner can learn to like kinky things from watching porn, but now his tastes are completely fixed and unchangeable?
Or the idea that trans and gay people are just born that way and they can’t help it or change their behaviour. But you can change your entire body to reflect the way you see yourself. Also, the whole of society must change and adapt their behaviour in order to accommodate >1% of the population, but the >1% are incapable of changing or adapting. These people make no sense.
So well said! This is something I’ve been trying to get people to understand: “that your sexuality is something fixed and static that cannot be changed” is total bunk. It’s not true. The other problem is that it sees YOUR sexuality as belonging to you and HIS as belonging to him, and do you match? But really sex was created to be relational, not individual, and it distorts the whole thing. Totally agree with you!
Some can have kinky tastes without watching porn. Fortunately my wife is comfortable with it.
Although I totally agree that sexuality isn’t “fixed forever” and will change through time, I think that there are some “general tendencies” which will remain pretty much the same. As Tony Conrad says, kinky tastes do not neccessarily originate in porn (and in the end, porn is made by men :D), but can be traced back to the early childhood of some people ( and while some have experienced violence and abuse, studies have proven that there are many “normal” people who feel like they have been kinky from their childhood on).
The reason why “sexual compatibility” maybe wasn’t so important in the past was because the people back then didn’t talk openly about it because it was considered a huge taboo (and people didn’t try out their fantasies or went to prostitutes or had affairs because they didn’t dare to tell their spouse). But I’d rather have a partner that tells me what he’d like to try although that might mean that we can’t continue our relationship than having him to hide his fantasies and remain unsatisfied while I think that everything’s okay with our sex life.
You can make compromises and work on a lot of things, but some things just can’t be made to work (the same goes for character treats as well).
Of course, if someone has only learned some things from porn, (I guess) he will find reality disappointing and eventually move on to other things. The most important thing is to communicate openly before being intimate together and to keep that communication going and not to be ashamed about the things you like or you think you might like.
Great advices about marriage, love and sex. I am glad that I have found your website. It’s fun to read. Thank you.
I’ve been married for over 30 years and the most dynamic ( changing) part of our relationship has been our sex life together. There are so many obstacles that require a couples sexuality to evolve over a lifetime it’s impossible to predict them all.
I believe the term “sexually compatible” should be changed to “sexually adjustable”.
The number one acknowledgement when discussing sexual expectations for marriage should be: Changes in your sex life WILL happen, check all other expectations at the door.
Sexual compatibility truly is a myth.
Love “sexually adjustable!” That’s it exactly.
I wish I was better versed in understanding the implications of not remaining pure, with my wife, before getting married. Most of, I wish I had paid heed to the many red flags she gave off in the early stages of our relationship. She was actually the one who initiated sexual contact. This would all eventually play out and after being married for 13 years she aggressively engaged her “first” love in a full out affair.
The plus side:Through God’s grace and me being the agent of forgiveness, she has finally been delivered from sin’s grip in her life. She’s repentant, living aggressively for God and now loves me on a much deeper level; both emotionally and spiritually. Deliverance in our sexual lives has cost us much but our family is intact and we are living testimonies of what God can do.
And yes….. sex was good before but it’s off the charts now!