If you’ve been promiscuous in the past, is your future marriage doomed?
Every Monday I like to post a Reader Question and take a stab at answering it. This week’s question is all about the past: It haunts many of us. What seems like willful fun at the time ends up causing great distress, shame and worry down the road. I’ve asked Danielle Tate, author of Restoring the Lost Petal, to answer this one since I’m traveling to Colorado right now to record the Focus on the Family Radio program this week. Here’s our question:
Reader Question
I was promiscuous as a teen for a few years. Sometimes it haunts me more than others. I also think I have a sexual problem that makes me overly attracted to men too quickly. I fear that I’m wasting my life being absorbed in thinking about sex and men vs. really becoming someone I want to be…I also fear I won’t meet someone one day who can both look past my mistakes, and who I can feel like I love completely in a way that is fully satisfying for both of us. I am afraid my past sexual experiences will overshadow the one I have in marriage, if I ever get married.
Here’s Danielle:
Like you, I did not wait until I was married to have sex. My first boyfriend came at age 16 and within a few months we had sex. We were both virgins so we justified that it was okay. As in most cases, we didn’t make it much past graduation and then a short string of guys crossed my path and with each one I gave a piece of myself away. Deep down I wanted a life partner but all I was getting was life-long heartache. Those pieces I gave turned into long tethers that held me to each guy even after I was married. You can read more about my story here.
As I read your question I asked the Lord to highlight what He wanted me to address. Three things stuck out to me.
- The root of over attraction
- Fear
- Overcoming your past
Let’s look at these more closely.
Over-Attraction to Men
You mention being overly attracted to men and possibly falling for them too quickly. You are not alone. Many women seek comfort in men as a way to compensate for an underlying, deeper issue. It could be from a bad relationship with your father, no father figure, childhood abuse, molestation or assault. I don’t’ know your particular reason but I suspect there is an underlying cause to your over attraction to men and sex.
These seed issues that are planted in us as children grow into feelings of worthlessness, self-hate and more. Then, as we grow, our outlet becomes running to the first guy who will give us attention, even if it means we must have sexual contact with them in order to get it. For a few brief moments our pain subsides. The problem is, the pain doesn’t really subside, it only grows with each new partner we have.
Overcoming your over attraction to men comes when you realize your own self-worth, no matter your past. Grab hold of the truth that, if you are saved, you are a daughter of the King! Your Heavenly Father finds value in you.
I encourage you to spend time committed to realizing your value in Christ. Take some time away from men and see the Man who died for you. I highly recommend the Bible study, Falling in Love with Jesus by Kathy Troccoli.
The road to healing is paved by forgiveness, guided by God and lighted by Truth.
(Click here to tweet this quote)
Fear of the Future
Fear feels like a noble thing sometimes. I used to live in a world where, if I wasn’t fearful and worrying, then I wasn’t a responsible adult. I had to fear things, I had to worry about the unknown. I can tell you, fear does nothing to facilitate healing. Nonproductive thoughts serve no purpose and only breed more crippling fear. The Bible tells us to take very thought captive in 2 Corinthians 10:5. You see, God has given us the ability to capture our thoughts and think about our thinking.
The thoughts we have do not need to linger in our minds causing fear, doubt, worry, shame and more. When fearful thoughts come to you about your past, your present or your future you can stop them. I sometimes say out loud, “No, I will not think this way! God says…..” and then replace the negative with something positive from God’s Word. I encourage you to find some scriptures to hang on to and memorize. You don’t have to know them perfectly with chapter and verse, but speaking them out loud is a powerful weapon to stop fear and turn your thinking around.
Once you’re not living in the fear you can clearly see to address other issue, overcoming your past.
Overcoming Your Sexual Past
Saving sexual contact for marriage isn’t just a rule God created to watch us suffer and squirm. The Sovereign Lord knows what He’s doing. And, while we have free will to do as we please, following His plans and His guidance will keep us at the highest level of peace and the lowest levels of shame, guilt and condemnation.
Why Sex Should Be Saved for Marriage:
But just because that’s His plan doesn’t mean you cannot overcome your past. Overcoming our past means forgiving times three:
- Forgiving your lovers/abusers/perpetrators
- Forgiving yourself
- Accepting God’s forgiveness
The road to healing is paved by forgiveness, guided by God and lighted by Truth. Your past will never go away–it is part of your history. However, your past is not the compass that guides your future.
As you forgive and accept forgiveness you must also address the soul ties that have been created between you and your sexual partners. These are the tethers that held me down to my past and they are doing the same to you. You cannot see clearly because you are still seeing through the lens that has you tied to your past.
I can’t give you a time-frame on your healing journey. The Healer works in His time, not ours. Sometimes healing comes like a rushing wind, sudden and quick removing our stains almost instantly. Other times healing’s path is like a winding dirt road, the travel is slow, sometimes bumpy but at the end is a beautiful place of restoration and refreshment.
Thanks so much, Danielle! I love Danielle’s heart for getting to the root of the issue in this reader’s over-attraction and in her fear. Telling yourself the truth is so important!
But I think that last point is so crucial, too, and I need to reiterate what Danielle said. Certainly God’s plan is for us to wait until marriage, but just because you didn’t wait doesn’t mean you’re doomed at all! In the research I did for The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex, I did find that those women who were virgins on their wedding night had the best sex. But it wasn’t like they rated their sex life a 10 and everyone else rated it a 1. The difference was real, but it wasn’t dramatic, because what mattered more was not where you came from but where you are today. When couples felt a great deal of spiritual connection with each other, regardless of their sexual pasts, they tended to rate their sex life really high.
Do you get that? What matters is not what you’ve done with your body in the past but what you do with your heart now.
Take a look at Danielle’s book Restoring the Lost Petal on breaking soul ties. Re-read my post “A Letter To Those Who Feel Like They’ve Lost Their Purity“–because purity is never lost when we know Jesus. He is the source of our purity, not what our bodies did. And then keep telling yourself the truth!
Check out the book here.
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
Question for Shelia: There are many reasons for “over attraction” to men but do you think we sometimes overlook one of the most obvious: high libido? I am concerned that we ignore that human beings have different libidos and we should acknowledge that some females experience physical attraction stronger and earlier than other females. Perhaps we should not always assume that the family of origin has problems or there is pathology because a young woman (girl?) has physical attractions that are stronger than most others.
Excellent point. I’m probably attracted to men more than the usual woman is, but I have a high drive, and my husband definitely appreciates it. 😉 It just has to be harnessed appropriately, which takes work, but is worth it.
Thanks for this Sheila .It is very important to remove fear from our lives .Bible said that fear has torments Fear is one of the things that can keep us from moving forward in life.
In my case, having a wife who had an active sexual history before me, had active sex with me before marriage, and then decided that sex after marriage was not important to her and therefore decided a sexless marriage was the solution; then YES, her past sexual history assisted in dooming the relationship. How is a husband not going to be resentful over her unavailability after marriage? Why should her husband believes that she loves him if she is unwilling to meet this need after “freely” giving it away before marriage? Why would her husband feel close to his wife who continually refuses any sexual intimacy, even after the husband talks about how important it is to him over, and over again? Why isn’t the church preaching to spouses how important the sexual relationship is for a marriage to thrive and that the LDP needs to consider the needs / rejection that the HDP needs?
Maybe it is my fault somehow, but I’m not living like this anymore. Making love ~50 times during a 20 year marriage is a sexless marriage. Therefore, I have started the divorce process. Shelia can chalk up one more marriage broken apart because one spouse refuses to meet the need that is supposed to be reserved specifically to marriage.
Hi Jim,
That’s got to be so difficult. I’m really sorry that you’re going through this. 50 times in 20 years? Wow. That’s awful.
I’d like to comment, though, on a trend that I see a lot that isn’t really talked about much. What you’re describing is actually quite common–someone will be promiscuous before they’re married, and may even have sex (and even great sex) with their current spouse, but then as soon as they’re married, sex changes completely. Very common.
And quite often the other spouse gets resentful.
But I think what often isn’t dealt with is the fact that, even if the sex “felt” great before you were married, it still was wrong and outside of God’s plan. And by having sex outside of marriage, sex is often reduced to something that’s physical since it’s not based on intimacy or commitment. Then, when you’re married and intimacy enters the picture, sex becomes super confusing and often disappointing because it isn’t supplying what it’s supposed to–that intimacy–because it’s been associated with something physical. And so sex drives often disappear.
There’s more to it than this–it’s actually quite common for women especially to lose their sex drive if they’ve had sex with their husbands before they were married because the sexual intimacy often replaced deeper emotional and spiritual intimacy, and so after marriage sex feels really shallow.
Unfortunately, instead of dealing with the root problem–which is that sex was misused and needs to be redeemed–she may run from sex and he may grow resentful. What they both need to do is get real with God–repent for what they did beforehand and ask for God’s blessing on the marriage. If the one spouse feels like the other did a “bait and switch” by loving sex before marriage and then withdrawing later, he can actually make the problem worse. And until they BOTH acknowledge that what happened beforehand was wrong, and try to start again fresh, then the problem won’t go away.
I’m not saying that you didn’t do this or did do that or whatever; I have no idea of your situation. I just have noticed this again and again in marriages and really wanted to comment for other people who are reading, so this isn’t necessarily directed at Jim.
But it is a problem. A great book to read is Kiss Me Again by Barbara Wilson, which explains this really common phenomenon, and helps takes women especially through a process where they can understand why their libidos plummeted upon marriage and they can find them again. But until they both completely surrender their sex lives to God, including acknowledging that the premarital sex was wrong, nothing really will get better.
Thanks for the reply Shelia and I appreciate and agree with your insights. It’s been hard for me not to take the sexual refusal personally and it shattered my confidence, made me resentful, and allowed Satan to whisper so many terrible things in my ear that I eventually believed them about me. I wish we would have known this insight/advice 20 years ago, but now it is to late.
My prayer is that others will take ACTION before it is to late. Please follow Shelia’s advice as I can tell you the other “secular” solutions didn’t work.
I understand your question having faced a similar situation before marriage. I went through a conversion after a few years of being sexually active. I decided to be honest about this with Christian men I dated and let them know I approached things differently & that sexual intimacy could be a temptation for me even though I knew it was wrong. I think this was a good move and I married a good Christian, we were chaste until our wedding night…. But what I want to say is that it has still been an issue in our marriage…. You still have to pray to God for healing even years later….
There seems to be a contradiction in what is being said in this article. One the one hand, it is about redemption and forgiveness, offering hope to those whose past mistakes present challenges in their current/future relationship. However, the part that seems contradictory is when the survey is mentioned from the Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex. Whether or not you agree with the methodology of the survey, it offers valid opinions on premarital intimacy and then impact on one’s future relationship. However, they are opinions, not proven fact. I find it disheartening to women who read this post looking for Biblical advice. The article says: “Your past is not the compass that guides your future”, but stressing the difference in marital satisfaction based on a subjective survey seems to contradict the aforementioned quote.
There is a lot of information on this site regarding reconciliation in marriage in a variety of cases, including infidelity. If God can enable couples to work through issues like that, offer forgiveness for repentance, and even bless the future of their marriage, then can God not also do the same for those who have been sexually active before marriage? I believe He can, and highlighting the opinion that your past will have a negative impact on your marriage seems to contradict that.
I have read this site for a few years, and I appreciate the work and marital encouragement offered, and I will continue to read and recommend the site to my friends and family. I would love to see the same compassion Sheila has for other marital challenges communicated in her discussions of premarital intimacy. Please note, I do not think that she lacks compassion at all, rather she does not wish to give the appearance of condoning premarital sex and thus comes across as less compassionate on that issue than others.
At times, this is an area of such great struggle for me. My wife has a promiscuous past. At the core of this was sexual abuse as a child and rape as a young adult. She should never have had to endure what she did. As a result of the abuse, she became a sex addict. As a young adult, she sought and received intensive treatment for this. We met three years after her recovery. I came to our relationship as a virgin and our goal was to continue this until our wedding night. We almost made it, but we didn’t and we both regretted that and sought forgiveness. Over time, she shared more details of her past with me because she felt safe and loved by me. These details have stayed with me for years and have at times created difficulties in our marriage. I don’t know how to handle some of these details and the images they have created in my mind. She has been clear with me that before she met me that she has overcome her past and turned to Christ for healing. I believe her, but I don’t know how to handle the details she shared of her sexual past. I have always loved her, and after many years of marriage, I love her deeper.
The reason I wanted to reply was that I don’t think someone’s past has to doom a relationship and there is some great advice in the article and the replies. However, what I am desperately looking for is help/guidance for me as a spouse of someone who has overcome their sexual past. The “get over it” advice doesn’t work. I wish it did. I wrestle with my feelings of hurt and jealousy and then I realize that I should get over it and tell myself that as well. I know this is my issue to deal with, but it impacts us as a couple as I try to overcome my feelings.
As I walk along side someone I deeply love, I struggle to find healing too.
I just wanted to respond to you and say that just because we are forgiven or have forgiven someone for things, it doesn’t mean we aren’t human and don’t continue to occasionally have sinful thoughts on the topic, I’m just extrapolating that for you it might be anger/resentment/suspicion at your wife or her abusers. That’s why I said in my post that even though my husband are Christians and aspire to that ideal, I can’t say that my past has never led to discontented feelings in our marital life. I think you should ask your wife should stop sharing details about those experiences with you. It’s understandable that they are upsetting to you, even if you have forgiven her. If she feels that she needs to work through those details she might want to seek therapy instead.
Rick, my situation is a little different but there are some similarities. I was a virgin when I met my wife. She had consensual sex with two partners before meeting me (no assault). As you, I’ve found out illicit details throughout my 15 year marriage which will likely haunt me the rest of my life. On one hand, I can’t stand that she has “secrets” with these two men whom I never met (I do know their names) and I want to know everything they did. On the other hand, I get sick thinking about what I do know and then I compare our relationship to her previous ones. It’s a double-edged sword. I ask and want to know, but then I don’t.
This is, by far, the biggest problem of our relationship. I’ve forgiven her but I don’t trust her that the sex we have is better than her previous lovers. I dissect everything. I analyze every comment. She’s given me no reason not to trust her since we’ve been together, but from the details I know about her past, what we have now is lukewarm compared to what I know she had before me and with me when we were dating.
If you’ve found a way to get help with this, please let me know. I’ve been to a therapist who hasn’t really helped and I’ve read a half a dozen books on the topic. The book Sheila mentions (Kiss Me Again) sounds promising from what I’ve read about it, but it is written from the promiscuous partner’s perspective and from a woman. I believe there are some real differences that need to be discussed on this topic regarding whether the virgin is the man or the woman (in my case, a man). Men are physical and the thoughts of another man’s hands (and other things) on my wife (even before we met) makes me want to destroy something and feel nauseous. Also, my wife having prior knowledge of something (especially what sex feels like) and “teaching” me what it’s all about does not help with my self-esteem. Maybe I’m old fashioned.
I will say that my wife is a devout Christian and we are regular church attenders. Whether one wishes it or not, a promiscuous partner makes the virgin partner self-conscious and comparative. No secular outlets are helpful in this regard and, as someone else mentioned, just telling someone to “get over it; she is with YOU and loves YOU now”, is simply not enough.
I believe in the healing blood of Jesus and that he heals all sins. However, I can say that it would be easier to forgive my wife for killing another person (aside from my children) than it is to forgive her for sharing the most intimate act with two other men.
I’ve gotten all worked up again which I told myself I wouldn’t do. I’m seriously going to check out Kiss Me Again as I hope it is the answer I’ve been looking for. Maybe if I saw things from my wife’s perspective, I would have a little more compassion for her careless decisions and loose actions. As a man, I was able to resist my (isn’t it supposed to be harder for men to stop?) urge to have intercourse with the handful of opportunities I had before meeting my wife. Why was it so hard for her? We both grew up in Christian homes. Her dad was a pastor for goodness sake. I will say that her father was not affectionate towards her so I understand the need girls have for male approval and affection. I blame a lot of this on her father.
Any help would be greatly appreciated. I’m spending too much time obsessing over this.
Paul, I truly understand how you are feeling. There are so many books and resources to help someone overcome their sexual past from biblical and non-biblical perspectives. For situations like ours, I haven’t found many resources that address it from the man’s perspective, including the book you mentioned. I feel very alone in trying to deal with this and I wish there was a book/resource that can help us too.
Shelia, any advice?
Rick, thanks so much for writing me back. So, this past weekend I started reading Kiss Me Again and, unfortunately, it wasn’t the answer I was looking for. After reading the author’ introduction, I could have thought it was written by my wife; down to the details of her first sexual encounter and her family history. I had asked my wife to read the introduction and first chapter. Sadly, this sent my wife into a shameful anger fit and she accused me of continuing not to move past her…past. She confirmed that she does not have thoughts about her former partners and she can’t even remember details such as the setting and even what it felt like or what she was thinking. With regret, I don’t believe her. I don’t know how I can believe her. I remember every detail of when I lost my virginity to her. I remember what it felt like, what I was feeling. I can almost remember the exact day. Maybe it’s because we eventually got married. Again, I have no basis to understand what it is like to have more than one lover in a lifetime. All I can do is listen to what society and our culture tells us which is “you never forget your first time” and “you’ll never forget your first”. It’s hard not to believe our pagan culture which is why I try to turn to the Bible and Christian books. However, as you mentioned Rick, very few, if any resources available.
I’ve come to the conclusion that my only course of action is to try and focus on Christ and pray. My quest for knowledge about her sexual past and my incessant use of pornography has damaged my mind. I’m sure there is redemption but the road seems long and hard. Right now I can’t picture a life not thinking about her past.
Again, if anyone has help for Rick, myself, and so many other men with wives who’ve had a promiscuous past, please share.
Thanks.
Paul, it very well could be that she doesn’t remember. It may not have meant much to her, she may have been healed and forgiven, and she may really just want to move on. I think she’s genuinely hurt that you can’t accept that she loves you and chose you and wants to have a great marriage with you. I think you really need to pray to let this go, otherwise you’re making her feel guilt for something for which Jesus has already forgiven her, and that’s not fair. This is YOUR problem, not hers, and by making it hers you really do harm the relationship. There is nothing she can do to change the past, but there is a lot that you can do to change the future. Let it go. Believe Jesus when He says that she is a new creation. Rejoice in your wife.
Sheila, thanks for writing me back personally. I agree now that this is my problem. I’m struggling with the whole grace concept that easily gets lost. I’ve been feeling better lately partially due to being prescribed an anti-depressant, I think. Also, I’ve recently found the book Return of the Prodigal Son by Henri Nouwen. I can say that this book can have a profound affect on anyone struggling with self-esteem and for those who feel they got the short end of the stick because they waited and their partner didn’t. At times I felt that God left me. He knew how important this was to me, yet he allowed my wife to come into my life which challenged the idol I call virginity. It was too important to me and it still is.
Anyway, just wanted to say thank you for responding and to recommend this book I mentioned. I still struggle occasionally but I think I’ve turned a corner.
God bless.
Hi Paula and Rick
I read your comments and feel like you took the words out of my mind. Although we are not yet married, She has also been very open with me about her past sexual partners and abuse as a kid. Some of her comments about their ‘abilities’ stung me deeply since I have never been with a woman and have no idea how I will compare to them. There is always the nagging feeling of am I good enough, do I even compare to them, will she remain faithful, can I please her enough etc.
I have earnestly prayed and sought help, but it has been difficult to express without putting her in bad light, so I have tended to keep these thoughts to myself. However, something I have learned (you will probably notice from my concerns) is that these have nothing to do with her, but fear and self-esteem issues on my part. The truth is, I realise that while she can help support and encourage me, she cannot take away these self esteem issues, this has to come from me, and this is the message I am trying to pass to you. please take the time to read through to the end.
Like you I have never been with a woman, which in technical terms should make me a virgin, but I have seen enough porn and masturbated to last one a lifetime. Even if I never watched porn or masturbated, I know I have other vices …..we like all humans have , yet someone who is the definition of perfection decided to love us.
The one thing that has helped me deal with this is an understanding of what love really is. Read Eph 5:1 and John 3: 16. you will find that the truest expression of love is sacrifice and giving. it is not the romance and feelings that you hear of in the world today. This is where you come in, Ask yourself and honest question. What thoughts are going through my mind that are making me have these negative feelings towards my wife? Once you find an answer, in deciding to love these are what you need to give up (no one said it would be easy). In my case it was my feeling of being short changed because I never had another partner when she had several, there was also the fear that her other partners are more endowed or better at sex than me. Even more frustrating was the fact that I would never be able to test this except we finally decide to get married, but even if I did, I worried that she would not be honest about how I compared so as not to make me feel bad.
These are the things I had to let go in my decision to truly love……it is hard to describe, but letting go was like I stopped holding my breath, it was like not letting fear and thoughts of what people would say control me. Letting go felt like having no iota of pride or shame anymore. In deciding to accept I also realised that letting go is a choice just like Love is a choice. In making that decision, it would feel like a rope has snapped in your mind, like releasing a tense muscle in your body, or exhaling after holding your breath for so long
Another thing that has helped is looking at it from the perspective of Jesus Christ and myself. With Christ is my husband and I (the church) his bride. I was not perfect but he loved me anyway and accepted me and washed me of my sin so that I could become his bride without spots or blemish. He did not (and does not) feel short changed even when a sinless person like him decided to take me as his bride because his love was greater than that, he does not feel he needs to compare himself with my other partners because he knows he is better than them, besides his love is greater than his doubt. Imagine what he went through at the garden of Gethsemane. this was his moment of doubt, the realisation that he would be publicly humiliated and be treated like garbage for my mistakes, taking all my sins on himself. This is far worse than the immorality of a sinful wife.
My greatest help was when I read Ephesians 5:25-27, it helped me understand that in truly loving her by giving up my feeling of resentment and my macho/manly nature to compare, I am cleansing her, and washing her through the word, so that she can be presented to me as a radiant person without stain or wrinkle. in other words she becomes a virgin again through my love.
I hope you find this helpful and learn to truly love her as I have decided to do. I pray that in turn you will come to understand that she loves you and that given the choice again she will continue to choose you over her other partners meaning that she feels you are better than them because you gave her something they never did.
God bless
I agree with the commentator who pointed out that there seems to be conflicting information stated here. If Jesus can heal us from the pain and brokenness of our past—whether that be related to sexual pain, or related to pain caused by a mistake nonsexual in nature — than Jesus can heal us — PERIOD. Just as our parent’s mistakes need not be our mistakes. Our past, once acknowledged, processed, and confessed to Jesus (not to our husbands. It’s not their job to provide absolution, that’s Jesus’s job) need not doom us to an unhappy sex life in marriage. In fact, it is important to dissect the belief that one’s virginity will guarantee a happy marriage and sex life. I have had quite a few friends who were virgins until they got married and then had an unfulfilling sex lives either because their partner had a sexual dysfunction or because their partner was abusive. What is a larger determinate on fulfillment seems to be whether you marry a partner who is emotionally healthy and with whom you can communicate. Also, being sexually active before marriage DOES NOT equate to being sexually dysfunctional in marriage, which seems to be eluded to in prior post. There are MANY reasons for sexual dysfunction.
Our present is a choice. Keep one foot planted in the past, continually regretting and punishing either ourselves, or our partner, for that which we cannot change. Or keep both feet in the present, embracing that which we have control over — our future! Lastly, my sexual past makes me grateful for my partner / husband, a respectful and generous lover of my mind and body.
Susanna, I have to respectfully disagree with your comment. From what you are saying, it sounds like you are condoning promiscuity because it isn’t tied to sexual disfunction and we can just ask for forgiveness and be done with it. Sounds easy from the part of the partner that chose to give a piece/pieces of themselves to someone/multiple partners prior to meeting their future spouse. Saying with certainty that promiscuity “DOES NOT equate to sexual function in a marriage” is unfalsifiable. By that I mean you can never prove or disprove your statement. How do I know my wife and my love life would be different had she not had two partners before me? How do I know that I’m receiving a completely vulnerable wife? Her sex life before me shaped out sex life now. The world would agree with your view that it promiscuity doesn’t cause sexual dysfunction. Maybe if I was promiscuous like my wife was, we would have a lower chance of dysfunction. However, the virgin spouse is typically the one who has to move on.
I’m sorry if I’m being too blunt but the information you’re sharing is certainly not common from what I’ve read about. Sure, sexual dysfunction can happen between two virgins on their wedding night. However, a sexual past from at least one of the parties is sure to bring in dysfunction on one or both sides.
Thanks.
HI
I have issues with women with sexual past, up to the point that I’m single at 38. I don’t think I can get over this and I’ll be single for the rest of my life. Is not that bad for a guy, son don’t feel pity
I’m a living witness that a woman’s promiscuous past can horribly affect your marriage. I’ve been married for 23 years and my wife finally revealed to me this year that her 3 past partners was more close to ten (in a 4 year time span), and that 6 months before we met she had gotten an abortion due to another promiscuous relationship. I was shocked because she lied to me all these years and the lack of affection, intimacy, sex and boundary issues with men that she has in our marriage had an origin and I had the right to know this before we got married because her unresolved issues have caused me great emotional pain. She now wants to come clean but however I now have to deal with all of the images of her sexual partners and that she was never what she presented to be when we met. The reason why men don’t rush to marry a woman that they know ahead of time is promiscuous is because he feels that she may always have unresolved issues with men. Everyone deserves to know in advance what they are getting into before they marry. My point is a woman just doesn’t become promiscuous over night. There are many issues going on inside her and if not healed by God it can be a husband’s worst nightmare to find this out after 23 years of marriage.
Hi idk were to begin. so I met this wonderful guy on dating site. A man of the father only has been married once been single 13 years a True Believer. A great gentleman knows how to treat a woman. Never thought in a million years I will find a man like that respectful Pure Heart. I did not know this was going to be a challenge. We have been dating 5 months but only seeing each other two times and talking a lot and texting each other. He a gasoline truck driver because his job. He asked me some personal questions that I never thought man would asked. I have a pass I’ve been in several relationships with men. Because of my past I thought i though it was a comfort thing for me. I’ve been raped molested and mistreated.
I was never loved by my parents that i was put in home. I was Catholic but now I’m not no religion I’m a True Believer now. I asked my father for forgiveness. Throughout five months getting to know each other we fell deeply in love with each other. The connection is so great the love is pure. I always said i wanted a man of god. But because of my past he feels disgusting when he wants to talk about it I freely talk about it to him. But he wants detail from detail sometimes it hurts me and makes me numb. He feels that I had did it all Sexual that there’s going to be a competition there for him. But every time that he’s in throws my past at my face it makes me numb my heart numb. We love each other dearly we see each other in the future but how could he get past this. I tell him I’m no longer that person. He says maybe if will be intimate it will be go out of his head. But that’s not what I’m looking for I don’t want to repeat the same cycle again I want to make sure he’s the one I actually want to get married before intimacy. I know intimacy is part of a relationship. But I’m so scared because I feel if we’re intimate he thinking that somebody already has done it to me. We talked about our father a lot Our God we pray together I pray for him he prays for me. He says that there was a reason that he was sent to me to help me seek my father my God better. before him I was lost even though I was going to church. But in the process we fell deeply in love with each other. but I hurts when he throws my past in my face because I feel I have not done nothing to him but try to love them and show him. I thought forgiveness what’s a part of forgiving and. Letting go and moving on. Please help I don’t know what to do what to say to him. To move on with our relationship.
Hi Guia,
I’m sorry you’re so hurt, and that you’ve been hurt in the past. I just want to talk about a few things in your comment.
First, you say that you are a True Believer now. I’m not sure what that means exactly, but it sounds like you want to have a pure relationship where God is the centre, which is a wonderful thing. I would encourage you both to find a church where you can worship together and be with other believers, and encounter God. That’s so important!
You also say that this is true love, and that he treats you so well, and that you want to do things right this time and wait for marriage to be intimate.
But then you tell me that he keeps asking for details of your past and gets upset when you tell him, but he keeps badgering you anyway. And you also say that he’s saying maybe it wouldn’t bother him so much if you slept with him now.
I’m going to say something that may be hurtful, and I’m sorry about that, but please hear me: a man who truly loves God, and who truly loves you, would not badger you about your past and then badger you to sleep with him, when you have consistently said that this is not what you want.
It sounds like you may love the idea of this man rather than this man himself. And so I would say to him: “I don’t want to talk about my past anymore, because it is in the past and God has forgiven me. And I will not have sex before marriage. If you can’t live with those two things, then I don’t think you’re the man that I need you to be.”
Don’t get yourself in a bad relationship again. You know how you want to be treated; wait for that kind of man!
My wife traded sex addiction for food and sugar. She hid her past until long after we were married. She says her priors were better in bed and more attractive. She has repeatedly said she is overweight because she wants less sex……
I had low esteem and depression from my unhappy marriage. I tried my best to be loving and supportive. It never works. The best i get is silence, otherwise its constant criticism. Finally i went back to school to change drgrees. My classmates and professors are so supportive. It was truly eye opening to be treated with respect. I dont know what to say but marrying someone who had dozens of partners may not always work out for the best. At least i have finally found a bit of happiness in my schoolwork but going home every day is depressing. I feel like she will never really love me. I wish she would figure out which x she really loves and go to him instead. Im ready to leave but she cant support herself on her own salary