We homeschooled our kids, and to do that well we figured we needed community. So we joined our local homeschooling group where we met lots of other families. And we did a lot of sports together–skating on Fridays, track and field in May and June, soccer and baseball in the fall and spring.
For soccer, one of the dads in the group coached our kids, and they really enjoyed him. We got to know the family quite well, and our kids were friends with their kids.
We got close to the kids especially as the family started attending our church, and my daughter Katie was really good friends with their son and their oldest daughter, too.
I learned a little about the struggles that my friend Ineke and her husband were experiencing, but I never understood the full extent of it.
And today I’d invite you to listen to Ineke’s story:
Ineke’s Story from NotWhoIWasAnymore on Vimeo.
I was speaking in Texas when I got the phone call that Rugge had taken his life.
We made it back for the funeral. It was a huge turnout to support Ineke and her four kids. The service was so sad, but also so full of love.
So many people had wanted to help Rugge, but ultimately the mental illness got the better of him. But it didn’t win–Rugge had a strong belief in God, and I believe that ultimately Jesus will be victorious over this whole situation and family.
It is still a sad road that the family walks. And I think what Ineke wants other women to know is that there is help–and please, get it before things get really bad.
I don’t have a lot of advice today. My heart is still heavy for my friend, and for Katie’s friends. But the children are all beautiful, and are all doing well. And Jesus still has Ineke. And for that, we are all grateful.
If you live in Ontario, there is a conference coming up on April 9 in Cobourg to help families and churches deal with mental illness. But I’d love to have more links to give people, so if, in your area, there are groups that help support spouses with mental illness, or conferences, let me know in the comments and I’ll try to keep a running list!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
I am truly sorry to hear of your friend, but I also know that ultimately God is in control and that we can trust in Him. Suicide is devastating, and I often imagine the desperateness a person must feel to go to that point – the point of no return. I will keep this family in my prayers – it is such a hard, hard thing to deal with.
Please read Dr Caroline Leaf – she is ABSOLUTELY amazing as a scientist and as a Christian. She has (is) helping me so much with my anxiety, and all of her science (she is a neuroscientist and a cognitive communications pathologist) is based solidly in the word of God (and totally sold out for Jesus. She has an amazing ministry teaching people how to renew their minds in Christ Jesus and how that has an actual, physical reaction in our brains. It’s too complex to explain in a comment, but she is simply amazing.
http://drleaf.com/blog/
If only help was that easy to get. As someone who is married to a man with serious mental health issues, as someone who has mental health issues myself, and most importantly as someone who works in mental health when not a stay at home mum, I can guarantee that there are sadly lots of people who beg for help and can’t get any.
Even in a land of “free” national healthcare, when I suffered severe PND after the birth of my first child, I didn’t get any help at all despite begging. And after the birth of my second 12 years later and suffering severe PND again, after months of begging for help, I only got some help after going private – where a single visit to a psych costs more than half our weekly wage. Two years later we are still suffering financially the cost of that period of time. If we had been in the financial situation my first husband and I had been in after the birth of my older daughter, I would not be here today.
And now I’m well and hubby is not. But there is no help out there for me as a spouse with a very unwell husband. Sure there are support groups, but it doesn’t help. Secular professionals just say leave someone that unwell who won’t seek help but offer no advice when there is no practical way to leave. And our church just say ask secular professionals for help. It was hard enough getting help as a sufferer and it’s impossible to get practical support as a spouse of a sufferer who doesn’t want help.
I haven’t given up, but I’m at breaking point after begging for help from our church and their response is they will pray. Praying is a good thing, but our situation needs practical support as well and that is what I cannot find help with anywhere
I am so sorry for you. I also need medical and mental help. One child needs help with an issue similar to aspergers, and another has an infectious disease (treated and going in for a follow up), but we can’t afford anything because we are broke from my spouse’s chronic illness.
Praying you find help *hugs*
As the one in our family who suffers with mental illness, I thank you for this. I was mad art my husband when he blackmailed me into treatment 9 years ago, but I have been eternally grateful ever since.
How did he get you to go if you don’t mind my asking?
He threatened to send out son to live with my sister until I did. And I knew my sister and my parents would support him 100%. My sister at that time had been trying for years to have a baby, and my paranoia at that time was so bad I thought she would kidnap him and disappear to avoid giving him back. He did end up staying with my mother in law for 3 months until I was stable enough for him to come home…but she lives 5 miles from us, not a couple hundred, and I still got to see him often. It was the hardest time of my life, and I hated my husband for a while, but I am so glad that he was strong enough to make me get help
What a story! Thanks for sharing, Monica. It also shows how important it is to have the extended family involved–or at least to have support from other people as well.
I am forever grateful to all the people that helped me. Mostly to God, who I lost along the way but never gave up on me.
I wish my inlaws would help. Or our church. But while my inlaws are very emotionally supportive, they refuse to intervene or say anything to my husband about him needing to get treatment. People in our church I have reached out to have pretty much taken the view that “its’ a mental health issue and we’re not mental health professionals, go see someone who is” same with our marriage issues “we’re not marriage counsellors, go see someone who is”. The problem is, while my husband does have serious mental health problems and his actions are causing severe marriage problems, the real problem is spiritual. It’s a selfish refusal to get help or to even accept help that is offered. He needs someone who he respects to intervene and say “hey, how you’re acting is ruining your marriage and hurting your wife and kids very badly and you need to deal with it”. Something mental health professionals and marriage counsellors are actually not allowed to do – they can make reports to the police and child protection about concerns of domestic violence and child neglect, but they aren’t allowed to say to someone “hey pull yourself together and accept help”.
If I threatened to send one or both of our kids away to live with family, he’d be happy. I’ve actually tried to leave (only temporarily in the hope it would be the trigger he’d get help) several times when his mood swings have been unbearable but the reality is, he knows with me having no money and no income and nowhere to go, I can’t afford to take the kids with me (because when I have left, I’ve had to sleep in my car and eventually go back home as I can’t afford food or medications) and I certainly wouldn’t leave them behind.
So with no one willing to intervene, he honestly believes his family and our church have no problem with the damaging effects his selfish choice not to treat his mental illness is having on our kids and I. There is no way for me to leave, no ultimatum available to trigger him to get help, so the kids and I bear the brunt of his unstable moods.
I don’t understand why family and church people are willing to say they can see how wrong his behaviour is but at the same time not be willing to say to HIM. And why, if they can see how bad it is, they won’t try to intervene.
I’m so sorry to hear what you’re going through butterfly wings. I can completely relate. do you live in the u.s.?
Thank you for this post and references mentioned by commentors!! I’ve been searching for resources and reference material that will help give me tools that I can use in my marriage. We’ve been married for over 10years and we’ve known my husband has several mental illnesses from the start. I recently friend finding training courses in my local area and the admin told me that they are really lacking in the area of support for spouses and families where there are mental illness issues present; that is so sad!! Short of going back to school to become a counsellor myself, I’m not sure what else I can do to support my husband.
Sheila, thank you for raising the issue of mental illness in marriage. It affects so many people and is so very difficult. My husband has been diagnosed with Biploar Disorder and we have been through very difficult times. When this all began and I was struggling with shock, fear and marital issues, I happened to come across two names while I was online one day. One was yours, the other was Pastor Brad Hoeffs. You have been instrumental in helping me through some of our marital difficulties and Pastor Brad has been instrumental in helping us work through mental illness and have hope for the future. He is a pastor who has Bipolar Disorder himself and his story gave me a lot of hope especially since my husband is also in the ministry. He has started a support group that now meets in many cities all over America called Fresh Hope. My husband and I went through the Fresh Hope workbook together. If you want more information so you can refer people you can find it at freshhope.us. There is also a facebook page. Blessings!
Hi. I just read your post. I just started searching the net because my husband and I just separated. He is a pastor and has bipolar disorder which he treats with medical Marijuana. He had used scripture against me along with so many years of emotional abuse; I just couldn’t take it anymore. I was hoping you could point me in the right direction on how to get help. I feel so lost and sad because I love him and want to save my marriage but I don’t even know if it’s possible anymore. There is no talking to him because he is always right. All I do is pray in hopes he will get out of this manic episode. He refuses to get help as he doesn’t think there is a problem…it’s all me. Although I’m far from perfect, I try my best to be a gentle kind submissive wife. But his demands got too much to handle. Thanks for your post. God Bless
I’m so sorry for the pain you are going through. I know that the pain is very great and being involved in ministry gives it a whole other level of pain and complication. Getting the correct treatment for mental illness is so very important and would be the first step to healing in your marriage. I hope that your husband is willing to seek out appropriate treatment. If he isn’t, you could have someone who is trustworthy help you talk to him because intervention would truly be needed. Fresh Hope really was a great resource for my husband and me. It helped with breaking through the stigma and finding hope for health and a successful career in ministry. I will be praying with you as you strive to help your husband and your marriage.
Thank you Leigh! Unfortunately I’m in Canada but I’m sure they have some resources here!
Thank you also Lisa K.
Both of your prayers are so appreciated! 😉
Thank you also butterflywings. I’ll check the book out. And yes, he uses medical Marijuana which is legal here. It helps with the severity of moods but is only a bandaid remedy.
Thanks Shiela for the link. .I’m going to it now!
Brenda, I can empathize with your situation some. My father may not be a pastor or have bipolar disorder, but he has used Scripture against my mother their entire marriage, as well as emotional abuse. And he’s the same as your husband: won’t listen because he’s always right. My father also claims that the problem is my mother. I understand that you love your husband and want to save your marriage, but coming from first-hand experience, I don’t think that’s possible for you, because with men like that, it’s like my mom says: a leopard doesn’t change its spots. I will pray that you can find peace and begin to heal. I’m honestly sorry for everything you’ve gone through.
Honestly, I understand at least part of what you described. I’m no expert, but from someone who has experienced it, I would suggest staying separated. I will pray for him as well.
Brenda he seriously “treats” his bipolar with marijuana? That’s like trying to treat a stubbed toe by chopping off the leg!!! Marijuana is like the worst possible thing for someone with bipolar disorder.
Sometimes submission is not the answer. Have you read Sheila’s post about not enabling a husband’s sinful behaviour? Anyone know the link?
Or read James Dobson’s Tough love. sometimes when you truly love your husband, you need to stand up to them, notj ust support them no matter what they do.
It’s right here! Are you a spouse or an enabler?
My husband has struggled with depression our whole 11 year marriage with 5 times of becoming suicidal. I didn’t know about it all before we got married. It’s been a real struggle. He’s finally agreed to try some anti-depressants and they are helping a lot. But after so many years of this all my feelings are gone. I’m hoping in a God who can redeem this.
I am really sorry for your friend. I have a sister who is suffering from schizophrenia and I know the feeling that you could loose somebody in a snap of a finger. I pray to God that he’ll find peace.