Today I’m going to share with you the best dating advice ever.
I know on Mondays I usually post reader questions and try to answer them, and I do have a backlog of about 50. But as I’ve been glancing through so many of them I’ve noticed a commonality:
In many marriages, the roots of the current crisis were evident before the couple was married, but they got married anyway.
And I find myself thinking, as I read these questions: I wish I could have spoken to these women before they got married. I wish I could have warned them.
I’ve read quite a few Christian books on finding a mate recently; the longer I’ve done marriage ministry, the more I feel that we have to spend more time talking to young people about how to choose a mate, so we can spend less time trying to repair marriages in crisis.
Recently I read a book that is totally unique, and I want to share some insights with you–because seriously, this is the best dating advice ever.
It’s found in Andy Stanley’s The New Rules for Love, Sex & Dating, which is unlike any other book on dating I’ve ever read: it’s addressed to young people whose pasts are not pristine. In fact, their presents aren’t even pristine. They’re desperately searching for love, often in the wrong places. They may go to church (or they may not), but they spend their Saturday nights at parties, they keep dating losers, and they wonder how to stop.
In short, his book is directed at so many of my letter writers.
Many books on dating for Christians are directed at practising Christians–those who are walking with Jesus and who truly want to live out His commands for marriage and purity. But what about those who have messed up? What about those who are confused? What about those who are just plain heartbroken and who are searching for someone to love?
People want to be loved. We want to have someone who will know us completely and still want to be with us. But in our yearning for that relationship, we often overlook warning signs. We want the fairytale so badly that we convince ourselves this really is Prince Charming–over and over again, heartbreak after heartbreak.
I love the fact that with Andy there’s no judgment. There’s no: “you’ve really blown it and God wants you to be pure.” Instead, he approaches heartache like a doctor approaches a medical problem. He lays out a convincing case as to why so many people are in these cycles of heartbreak, and then he shows you how to get out of them.
I’m going to get to his one big piece of the best dating advice ever in a minute. But I want to lay the groundwork first.
So here are just a few principles to remember:
You are sexually compatible with far more people than you are relationally compatible with.
Many people start a relationship and quickly fall into bed, where it’s often amazing. They think this heady feeling means that they’ve found “the one”. But that’s not necessarily true–and, in fact, most people’s track records show that it isn’t true at all.
Sexual involvement releases hormones that cause us to bond. All we see is the attraction, and then all the red flags fall by the wayside.
Then what happens? There’s a slow fade. Often a couple loses interest in sex together–which Andy says is almost always a manifestation of something else. So what’s the solution? In all too many cases, they get pregnant! A baby will renew their feelings for each other, right?
Wrong. We’re sexually compatible with way more people than we’re relationally compatible with–likely by a factor of a million to one. So just because you enjoy being in bed with someone does not make them right for you. Really, they’re just one among millions.
Commitment isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. The past is a far better predictor of how someone will behave in the future than their decision to commit to you right now.
I was watching The Rewrite recently, a movie that Netflix thought I’d love but that I turned off within 15 minutes. Hugh Grant plays a playboy who is only interested in using women. He’s teaching writing at college, where he meets Marisa Tomei, a single mom who is lovely and vulnerable.
I turned it off because I knew where the movie was going. Here’s this absolute lout who has never behaved morally in his life, but love with this sweet woman would change him.
How many women believe that–that they can change their husbands? Here’s what Andy says:
From The New Rules of Love, Sex and Dating:
Ready for it? Here’s that best dating advice ever:
Become the kind of person the kind of person you’re looking for is looking for.
Stop looking for someone great, and become someone great.
Andy tells the story of a young woman who had made some bad choices. She had grown up in a Christian home, but she now spent most of her after-work life in bars. She had had a string of bad relationships. She was doing well professionally, but her personal life was a mess, riddled with some addictions that she was trying to defeat.
One Sunday she decided to give her church’s college & careers group a try. And she met this most amazing man. He was caring. He had a good job (!). He was confident and smart. And very good looking.
She was over at her parents’ house the next weekend and was gushing over this guy. “This is the one I want to marry!”
And then her mom turned to her and said something harsh. “Honey, a man like that would not choose you.”
Wow. Ouch.
But she realized it was true. Why is it that we only attract a bad sort of person–the kind with bad habits who treats us badly? Maybe it’s because WE are not the kind of person the kind of person we want wants.
That doesn’t mean that she wasn’t a nice person or even that she wasn’t a good person. It was just that she had made life choices, and was continuing to make life choices, that this guy wouldn’t make. She may have had a lovely heart, but what he was looking for was the total package: someone who knew God; who chose well; who wasn’t dragged down by friends; who chose in their leisure to do good and meaningful things, rather than just drinking. That’s what she found attractive about him–he was unlike anyone she knew. But maybe that was the problem: she was hanging out with people who dragged her down. Why didn’t she know any good guys? Because she wasn’t attracting them because she wasn’t acting like the kind of woman a guy like that would want.
Like this post? You may also enjoy:
Finding the right person starts with figuring out what you want–and then becoming a better version of you.
Andy explains how that means running after God, and he even explains how that means deciding not to have sex while you’re dating. But he doesn’t explain that until chapter 8. He builds his argument slowly, convincingly, and with deep compassion for all the wounded and heartbroken people who just want someone to love them. And who, in the process, have followed the world’s message about love & sex & dating and have found nothing but pain and disappointment and disillusionment.
He’s brutally honest about pornography and erotica. He diagnoses why so many modern relationships fail. And then he points people to another way of finding real love: By becoming the kind of person the kind of person you want wants. And in the process you’ll really find yourself. You won’t feel so alone. You’ll start knowing God. You’ll approach dating from a position of strength and confidence, not desperation. You’ll know that keeping God at the center helps you to choose someone who also keeps God at the center.
And maybe, just maybe, you will find that love you so desperately want.
The best dating advice ever: Become the kind of person the kind of person you’re looking for is looking for.
I loved the book, and I think it’s wonderful for anyone, Christian or not, who is in this seemingly endless cycle of heartache. It’s extremely seeker friendly, and it builds such a great case. It’s not the best book for someone who is already committed to doing things God’s way and is already living that out–I’ll talk about books like that later. But let’s face it: the endless cycle of heartache is actually the majority of people in their late teens and early twenties now. And it’s so great to read a book so filled with truth, and yet so accessible.
So funny about the rewrite. I just watched it a few weeks ago and I almost turned it off after the beginning but I decided to watch it. No big surprises in the story but I liked it. There were some good things how the story developed… about owning your story and embracing who you are, looking beyond the surface, judgement, disappointment and not letting your past determine your future. Rewrite, in a sense.
Maybe I should have stuck with it–but I just HATED the opening! 🙂
Thanks
This rings so true for me! I have a couple of good friends who recently got their first post-college jobs and are living in the city. They always seem to be in this endless cycle of hook-up-break-up and then act confused when none of their hook-ups become long-lasting relationships. I just want to say, “Well what did you expect? You met that person when you were both drinking at a bar, and good guys looking for long-term relationships don’t generally hang around hitting on drunk girls!”
Yep! Good guys looking for wives don’t go to bars. And they’ll stay away from girls who do! That’s just true.
It’s just sad, though, because those girls likely just want love. And it’s not working for them. And it’s leaving such a trail of destruction. Sigh.
The irony is that at the same time, there are probably a number of men a few years older in their same town that may hold down good jobs and be of good character, yet they remain single because they just weren’t found to be cool enough or attractive enough or whatever by the women their own age in the years past. Some of them may have all but given up hope, and most of them are invisible to these young ladies. Yet they might be findable – but it will take some effort, and looking where most people don’t look.
I’ve been married going on 4 years now. I did so many things right. I wouldn’t choose to be single again, but marriage has been pretty disappointing. I most definitely followed the advice in this post, but a list of super hard questions I must ask myself and my boyfriend/fiancé would have served me better. I know you talk about hard questions too in other posts.
Absolutely! Here’s a post for that as well.
It’s not often I read a marriage blog and immediately tell my teens what it says.
But I did today.
Neither of them are dating yet, and both of them saw this as good advice.
That’s awesome! 🙂
Not just good dating advice – good advice for those who are married, and people of all ages!
Just plain common sense: people need to have respect for themselves and do what is morally right. They owe it to themselves : keep God in the center and everything will work out. 🙂
WOW! This is a great surprise. I’m at the end of my divorce, 24 years. I fought the last 5 to save it . He’s a abuser , angry and evil, I just know God would change him. And then I woke up 3 years ago and realized, he had to wait to change. The thing with that is he’s fine in his eyes. So now I’m out here, the first few months were me running doing stupid things.i was lost, lonely and wanted love. Most of what you find out there ain’t love. Then a light came on. i said to my friends after meeting a really awesome man. He’s too good for me, and God show me I have to rise to who I am “in him, God” . We give our selves away, most of the time to the lowest bidder. And then we have too buy our selves back at a very high price. Most people never learn that, I didn’t want to be one of those people. Our Grandmothers were right, hold your self to a higher standard. If they want you they will respect you and see our value . But we have to value our selves first. I always enjoy your post. Thanks for being out here,
God Bless!
That is good advice. Another to append to it: Dating to search for a potential life partner when you are ready to marry is different from social dating for fun in your early years when you are not yet ready to marry. It is fine to enjoy the company of a school/college friend when you go to a concert or on a hike, provided that firm boundaries are observed. However, once you are out in the “real world”, you are probably at least in your mid-20s, and the biological clock is ticking. Without getting to tense or weird about it, people who are ready to marry need to be focused on finding and screening potential marriage partners. It is extremely inconsiderate to string along someone at this stage of life if it becomes reasonably clear (and yes, past behavior is a big indicator) that they are not going to be a suitable partner, just as it is extremely inconsiderate to string along someone if one is not serious about pursuing marriage.
I see more than a few people who date for fun up through college (which I again emphasize can be OK within appropriate boundaries), but then when they graduate and enter the world of work they keep right on doing what they have done before. They need to realize that if they haven’t found the right person by the time they leave college, then their whole social life is now going to have to change very substantially. To be quite blunt about it, it appears to me that most of the singles scene for the post-college mid-to-late-20s set is either a sexually-charged meet-market or else it is just prolonged adolescence. There is a better way.
SUCH a good point. I wholeheartedly agree! And I’ve seen way too many people hurt by this, and others seemingly waste a lot of good years.
Thanks for the recommendation, I just ordered the book 🙂 Although my boyfriend and I are already past the dating phase, this might still provide helpful information.
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So now I read the book and it was really good 🙂
So glad you liked it! I really did, too.
One of, if not the best dating and mate selection programs out there is Love Thinks from Dr. John Van Epp. Check out his Love Thinks website.
The example about the woman who spent a lot of time in bars and how it relates attracting someone based on their lifestyle really speaks volumes. It’s a wonder if one can still attract the person they want by changing their lifestyle. Hopefully this is a case of “it’s never too late”.
I absolutely agree with your lines:
In many marriages, the roots of the current crisis were evident before the couple was married, but they got married anyway.
I have seen many practical examples of this around me.
Another point, that I strongly believe and you wrote in very simple words:
We’re sexually compatible with way more people than we’re relationally compatible with
And the best dating advice is just mind-blowing. I never thought in that way!
The entire post is so much information, I read it twice.
There is so much in it to understand and relate.
Thank you for this amazing article.
I really like this line “Stop looking for someone great, and become someone great.”
This is something that really rings true for me. Personally, I’m not looking to date just anyone, but it’s worth remembering that we should always strive to be the kind of person that someone else would want to be in a relationship with.
Great article Sheila!