Every couple makes mistakes–but some marriage mistakes are worse than others!
It’s Wednesday, the day when we always talk marriage! And today I want to talk about the 5 biggest marriage mistakes a couple can make in the first year after the wedding.
Last week my husband and I were in Colorado, and while there we decided to go hiking on some of the gorgeous trails around Colorado Springs.
We headed down to one in the middle of nowhere–Akin Canyon. It was a 4 mile loop, and we thought we’d give it a try. But as we started on the trail, it got harder and harder. Trees blocked our way. Rocks were everywhere. Sometimes we even had to climb through rocks to get to the trail!
After about a mile we gave up, retraced our steps–and found that we had missed the actual trail. We had gone off on a sidetrail that wasn’t really cared for. Once we found the real trail, all was easy going!
It’s a lot like that in marriage. If you get off track in the early days, it gets harder and harder to travel together.
And while everybody makes mistakes, as I’ve talked and listened to couples for the last few years, I’ve found that some mistakes are worse than others. Some start you on a really difficult road that will be harder and harder to come back from. So don’t do any of these five things!
Marriage Mistake #1: Giving Only One Spouse Access to Money or Knowledge About the Finances
In my personal life I have known six couples where the wife did not have a bank card or access to any joint bank account. She had to ask her husband for money. He controlled it; she didn’t know much about it, even if she asked.
Every single one of those marriages has now ended–or is in serious trouble.
Sometimes when one spouse (usually the wife) doesn’t work, couples think, “Why set up joint bank accounts or joint credit cards when they marry if it’s all his income anyway?” But this sets up such a terrible dynamic. First, the money isn’t seen as “theirs” but “his”. She is almost like a child having to ask him for money.
Then, if something were to happen to him, she wouldn’t have access to the family’s money to pay the bills. Or what if he wasn’t responsible with money? She’d have no way of knowing until the electricity is cut off.
Other couples I know keep completely separate finances, and each pays a portion of the household bills. Again, that sets up a strange dynamic where you have “his” money and “her” money but not their money. It makes planning for joint retirement or joint vacations hard. And what if one of them scales back his or her job to care for kids?
Marriage Mastery: From the very beginning of your marriage, share finances. Make a budget together. If you want to keep separate accounts for just a small amount of spending money, I don’t see a problem with that. But on the whole, combine your finances and then save, invest, and spend together.
In marriage if you get off track in the early days, it gets harder and harder to travel together.
Marriage Mistake #2: Letting Yourself Get Ticked Off
This may sound like a weird one–if your husband ticks you off, he ticks you off, right? Why is that your fault?
But, as I showed in my book 9 Thoughts That Can Change Your Marriage, you don’t HAVE to get ticked off.
And here’s something scary: Researcher John Gottman, who has studied marriages inside and out and who can predict, with amazing accuracy, after only seeing a couple interact for 15 minutes, who will divorce in the next 10 years, has found that showing contempt for your spouse is the #1 sign that you’ll split.
Here’s what he means: when you start rolling your eyes when your spouse speaks; cutting him off because you think “he’s just being stupid again”; or in other ways disregarding his opinion, then you’re showing contempt. And if you do this long enough, you devalue your spouse in your eyes and you find it easy to justify leaving.
It’s that first year of marriage that often brings the biggest disappointments. You thought his jokes were funny when you were dating, but now he’s not serious enough when you want to have a conversation. His dedication to studies was admirable, but now he’s become boring. He said he wanted to be partners, but he never does laundry. And we see all our unmet expectations, and we get ticked off. And then we start sighing. And rolling our eyes.
Marriage Mastery: We’ll always have things that disappoint us in marriage, but it’s your choice what you will focus on! Instead of thinking about all the things that tick you off, make it a habit to thank him for two different things he does a day. Concentrate on catching him doing good, and you’ll notice more good things than bad things!
Marriage Mistake #3: Spending Your Leisure Time Goofing Off Alone
Before you were married you likely went out and did things. But now you’re married, and you don’t need to go out. So at night you tend to goof off. You go on your computer; he goes on his, or he plays video games. At first it’s fun–you have all this time to unwind! But soon you find that you’re not spending time together anymore or sharing experiences.
But if you say, “what do you want to do?”, he often doesn’t have an answer. So you retreat back onto your screens. Then, when kids come, it gets even harder to carve out time for each other, and soon your lives revolve around children and not around each other.
Marriage Mastery: Create a habit of “connecting time” when you share with each other, even if it’s just for twenty minutes a day. Go for a walk after dinner; play some 2-player board games every night; just do something on a daily basis. It doesn’t need to take the whole evening, but schedule time to connect into your day.
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Marriage Mistake #4: Not Going to Bed at the Same Time
Night time, as you’re getting ready for bed, is the perfect time to catch up about your day, figure out what’s happening tomorrow, snuggle and talk about your dreams or concerns, pray together, and, of course, make love with your husband!
But if you don’t head to bed together, you’ll miss out on those natural times to connect. And soon you’ll start feeling much more distant. You’ll feel as if you’re living separate lives, under the same roof.
Marriage Mastery: Unless shift work is involved, create a bedtime routine when you both head to bed together, without computers, TVs, or screens. Make the last thing that you do everyday together cuddling with each other.
Marriage Mistake #5: Not Talking About Things that Bother You
Maybe you don’t want to rock the boat. Maybe you have this idea that a good marriage doesn’t have conflict, so you’d rather keep the peace. Maybe you’re just embarrassed and you don’t know how to address something that’s bugging you.
If we don’t talk about the things that bother us, we build up walls. Over time, those walls get bigger and bigger, and then it’s even harder to dismantle them. So whether it’s that sex doesn’t feel very good for you and you’d like to figure that out; you want more help around the house; you feel lonely when he goes out with friends–talk about it! Don’t bottle it up; it will lead to more contempt (see #2, above).
And here’s something else: Ask for help. If there’s something you want your husband to do, then ask him. “Can we spend more time on foreplay, because I feel rushed during sex.” (And here are 6 foreplay ideas to help you do just that!) “Do you mind doing the dishes?” “I’ll get the trash ready, but can you take it out to the curb?” He’s not a mind reader, and he doesn’t know what you want. And especially when it comes to sex, guys often appreciate knowing what you’re thinking.
Marriage Mastery: In those times when you catch up everyday, mention the things that are bothering you. Own your feelings–“I feel lonely when…”, not “you make me lonely when…” Problem solve together. When you keep short accounts with each other, you learn how to deal with conflict well. That puts you in good standing for a long life together!
Obviously there are other things that couples need to do to make marriage work, like not nurturing relationships with co-workers of the opposite sex, properly separating from one’s parents, and big things like that. But we tend to know those things already. I wanted to talk today about the very little habits that we can easily slide into that can be toxic a few years down the road. Aside from #1 about money, most of these are little things. It’s easy to get ticked off. It’s easy to stop spending time together. It’s easy to stay up later than your spouse. It’s certainly easy to bottle things up inside.
But if you want a great marriage, stop these things that are easy to fall into, and be more deliberate! You may just find that instead of being rough, the next few years of marriage are actually much smoother and easier than you thought.
Are you ready for the honeymoon you always dreamed of?
The Honeymoon Course is here to help you plan the perfect honeymoon and start your marriage (and your sex life!) off with laughter, joy and fun!
Don’t make the same mistakes other couples have–get it right from the beginning!
What do you think? What’s a big mistake that couples can make in those early days of marriage that sets them on a bad path? Let’s talk about it in the comments!
Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 27 years and happily married for 22! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
This is a great article and a great reminder (even for those of us who have been married a long time).
Glad you liked it, Kristine!
I wish I had this list when I got married 16 years ago. Luckily, a few of the items on the list my husband and I have not had a problem with, however focusing on what is wrong versus right has been a big problem for me which has caused major resentment over the years. This past weekend, I was given a visual of that at a FamilyLife Weekend to Remember retreat. The pastor said “hold a quarter in your hand and stretch your arm out to the sun. At that point you can still see the bright sun. As you move the quarter closer to your eye, with the other eye closed, by the time you get it right up to your eye, you can’t see the bright sun anymore. Concentrate on the 80% good, not the 20% “faults”.
Love that analogy! It’s so true.
Consciously focusing on the good stuff is great advice! It takes some effort, but then it gets to be more of a habit.
It’s easy to think “my husband didn’t load the dishwasher and left wet towels on the floor, again.” I broaden my thoughts and change that to, “my husband, who spent hours last night coaching our son’s hockey team, and who had to leave for work before dawn this morning in order to help a patient in the ICU before his full day at the office, was so rushed that the dish was still on the counter and the towel was on the floor”. Sounds different, right?
Hi Sheila,
I am wondering what you’d think I should do. My husband and I have been married for 4 years this May. We have a 4 month old son and I would say that we are very much in love. Despite both of our parents failed marriages, I’d say we’re doing pretty good. My husband has been working to expand his business, and he is working so very hard, and I’m very proud of him. Meanwhile, I’m taking care of the home and our sweet baby.
The problem I have, and one that has been a reoccurrence in our marriage is a lack of “time” for sex. My hubby usually only has 3-4 hours home in the evening before he needs to go to bed and most of that is spent showering, eating, and doing paperwork. While I would be one to take any chance we get to have some fun in the bedroom, especially now that we have a kid, he always wants to get other things done first…. which obviously means that there is very little time to relax nevermind have sex. We’ve come to this wall SO many times in the last few years, and we ALWAYS have these ups and downs of a week or two of lots of fooling around around flirting and passionate love making, and then months of me trying to drag him to bed (AND trying to keeping him awake)!
I love him very much, and I know that he loves me. There are no physical challenges, and while my drive might be a little more than his, he does want it. I’m just constantly disappointed that he never has made sex a priority for us. I worry that over time, this is going to be a huuuugggeeee issue, but we don’t know how to fix it. And I’m trying very hard to keep a loving and understanding mindset towards my husband, as I know that he works so incredibly hard to support me and our growing family, but sometimes I find it difficult not to feel contempt when we’ve only had sex once in the last 4 weeks, and I’ve given up on asking for it.
Any advice?
Hi there! Honestly, in cases like this I often suggest that the couple just schedules sex! Talk to your husband and say, “this is important, and we really need to fit it into our schedule, but I know you have so many things on your mind. So what if we say that every Tuesday & Saturday we make love for absolute sure, and then we can be spontaneous on other nights?”
Then you both know what to expect. I’ve got a post on scheduling sex here. It’s not the most romantic idea, but since so many guys live in “boxes” and are only thinking of one thing at a time, he may have trouble getting out of his “work” box and into the “relationship” box. If it’s on the calendar, it can be easier for him to do!
If he spends time showering, get in there with him. My husband and I have our own business, he is a work-a-holic and he doesn’t initiate sex often at all. I find if I I just get in, I find it is amazing how helping him shower gets me what I want and I believe he enjoys it as well. 🙂
Great advice! 🙂
Regarding finances. I was a banker and my wife was a correspondence course writer. When we got married it was logical for me to look after the money. I give my wife a monthly financial report and answer any questions she may have. Important financial decisions are always discussed beforehand but normal day to day stuff is left up to me. This works for us and we have never argued about money in over 40 years.
I forgot to mention that everything we have is in joint names except our TFSAs and and a RRIF which cannot be joint.
Sheila, I love your thoughts here. Foundations are so important! You can try to make a house beautiful and nice, but unless the foundations are right, it will come apart at some point. In talking to many earlyweds and from my own experience, it seems like most people don’t expect to put any effort towards a young marriage. We think work comes after the honeymoon years. And if you have to put any effort in your honeymoon years, then there’s something wrong with your marriage! But seriously a great love does not build itself! It takes lots intentional deliberate effort, like the 5 things you mentioned above. Great encouragement today, always!
So true, Ngina!
Well, I know it’s a ladies blog primarily but quite a couple of posts usually connect w/ me. Been struggling w/ #5, as a single thinking about marriage. I work a lot, especially at night. I’ve always thought that if I can go to bed w/ my future wife then after she falls asleep I wrap up work for a bit (in bed next to her) before sleeping, it’d not cause such a chasm. Any advice Sheila?
My h is guilty of all of these. At first, I tried really hard not to get discouraged, not to get “ticked off”, and I never said anything. Thus made him believe all was well, while I suffered silently. When ubstarted speaking up, pointing out when he was deluberatley ignoring me, sighing loudly when I would talk about my day, and denying me sex regularly, he just got angry (which came out as silent treatment). Eventually I just shut down. I became guilty if doing my own thing, because I started to feel very insignificant to him. That pretty much solidified his excuses to leave. He initiated divorce in January, and is now being very malicious in the process. I suggest to anyone, be open and honest about things right from the start. Not by nagging or complaining, but just by stating how you feel. I wish I had dine that more in the first couple years we were married.
Excellent advice. I recently had to work on #5 – there was an issue that started off small, but it grew larger because I didn’t confide in my husband out of a misplaced desire to keep the peace and handle everything myself. I finally discussed the issue with him and although it was hard to do, the outcome was so much better than I could have hoped. We broke down that wall and grew closer as a result.
Hmmmm… AMEN, AMEN, and AMEN! We did all five of these wrong during the first year of our marriage, which was a terribly busy, stressful year. I was the one guilty of refusing to talk about things that bothered me. I really thought I was being kind and noble by not bringing up things that hurt me (plus I was motivated by pride — I didn’t want to admit my pain), but it just led to my doing #2 wrong as well — letting anger and eventually contempt build up until I resented nearly everything my husband did. Now we’ve been married nearly 10 years… I don’t have access to ANY money without asking for it, which is a problem, and our lack of common hobbies and interests is our primary hindrance to a truly intimate marriage. And since we tend to pursue separate interests, we have very separate schedules and don’t get to bed together to enjoy what could otherwise be a great sex life.
We do still love one another and are very committed to our marriage. But now that four kids have joined the family and many of these things have become habitual to us (though hopefully NOT the contempt and lack of sharing!) it can be extremely challenging to change. So please, if you know someone who’s getting married, DO share this post with them! We didn’t mean to do everything wrong, and I wish we could go back and start again. I’m going to show this post to my husband. Perhaps we can work on improving in these five areas before our tenth anniversary. That would be worth celebrating with a second honeymoon this summer!
Oh, I’m so glad that you’re realizing where you’ve gone off track! And I’ve seen so many marriages get back ON TRACK! That would be worth celebrating. I’ll believe with you that God will do great things!
Hi Sheila,
this was a very informative and personal post. Im sure you get a lot of guys on your site, and I am one of them. I am engaged to be married to my fiancee in about 4 months, and a lot of what you said really spoke out to me. If i may, I have 2 questions that I would like yours, or perhaps other readers’, input on.
First, the idea that separate finances. Please correct me if im wrong, but are you suggesting that it is a bad idea for couples to have separate accounts? My fiancee and I have talked about this, and we decided that we both handle finances very differently, so we would like to have separate accounts and have each person take care of different parts of the bills/family finances. But we will definitely have joint accountability. She will have access to my accounts and I will have to hers. We wanted to do this because we both understand the importance of financial responsibility, but we handle it differently. I tend to be a saver, which is nice-talk for I am really cheap (cant help it, im a grad student, i dont make much more than peanuts), and she’s a spender who is trying to be more of a saver. I know that if i saw money leave the account more often than i would like, it would rub me the wrong way and might cause issues. With that knowledge, do you think its still a bad idea? Do you have any suggestions for us?
Second question is about time together, which would relate to the goofing apart and talking about things points. I should add that we are in a long distance relationship for just over 4 years, and we’ve been engaged for about a year. In all our relationship, its been mostly doing things separately. Recently, its been difficult to make time for each other since wedding planning started and its had a huge effect on our relationship, at least from my perspective. My question is, how much should we expect that to change after we get married and are together? We have been used to doing our own things and for the past year communication has been very difficult. How can we prepare for the change that will happen in a few months when both our lives will suddenly mix? Any advice or suggestions will help.
Thank you.
Hi there! Congratulations on your upcoming marriage. I’m sure that after so many years apart, that’s going to be wonderful.
And great questions! Let’s start with the finances. I just think that setting up separate accounts leads to a lot of hassle. Let’s say that you’re going out for dinner. Who’s paying? Or let’s say you have the credit card bill at the end of the month and there’s a bunch of gas on it, but sometimes she used your car. Who pays? Or let’s say that you want to save for a downpayment on a house. Are you both required to save equal amounts and put it into a joint account?
I think it makes a lot more sense to figure out your joint budget–how much our living expenses are, how much we’ll spend on entertainment a month, how much we’ll spend saving for a house–and then put ALL your money together into that joint account which you then spend as you’ve decided, except for maybe some spending money you want to spend on your own. Otherwise you get into these continuous discussions–who pays for the movies out? Who pays for the repairs on the cars?
And then what happens if one of you has no income for a time, either because there’s a baby or one of you is out of work? Then it can set up the dynamic where one feels that they’re not contributing, where that’s not the case.
If the problem is that one of you saves too much and one of you spends too much, a budget where you each agree will take care of that. You each agree that you’ll spend this much on eating out a month, and this much on new clothes. And then if someone wants to spend more, that’s where spending money comes in. But it’s just a dangerous dynamic, I think.
As for communication, I know spending time planning a wedding is difficult, and I know that it’s consuming and you’re not living in the same place. But I’d just make even more of a point to “check in” with each other everyday and share your highs and lows. Otherwise you won’t continue to do that when you’re married! I hope that helps!
This is really good stuff! I have been married for almost two years and we haven’t really though about all of these. The one about spending at least 20 minutes together is so good. I had never thought about it. Loved this but I have a question. You write that we should go to bed together and I totally agree, it is good but what do I do when staying up a little bit more means I get some minutes for myself, let me explain my situation. My wife and I have a daughter who is 7 months old. This means a lot of work, my wife is at home with our daughter and I work. When I get home I try to help with all things I can and I often offer my wife to rest, take a bath or something while I take care of our daughter cause I know she gets tired, it’s hard work taking care of a baby but she doesn’t want to. She doesn’t like to do something if our daughter isn’t with her so I really try because I feel bad if I try to have some time alone so if she doesn’t then i won’t either. The thing is that I feel that I need some minutes alone. I am an introvert person, my wife is not. I love my wife , she is great, a real gift from the Lord and I love spending time with her and my daughter but Hod knows that I also need some time, not much, but sometime to just do nothing. I don’t have friends so I don’t have anyone to hang out with so I’m never out , the only time I’m going out its because of church m, so the only time I have to do something I enjoy is when my wife is putting my daughter to sleep and I can’t be in the room because my daughter doesn’t sleep if she sees me. So my question is, is being alone , I mean having time for myself is it bad? I know I’m married and I have child and life changes but is it bad to want to have a little time for myself in my stressful daily life? I work as a teacher and it seems like I never really stop working because it’s always something to do so having some alone time means very much for me but is it bad to want that?
Yes to all five!
Thank you so much for this refresher!
I heartily agree. Some great advice!
We have been married a little over a year and read through this together this morning to see how we’re doing. We agreed that we’re doing pretty good 🙂 We do, however, go to bed separate. It takes me a really long time to unwind and settle in to sleep mode. I don’t fall asleep well and I tend to wake up often, but I’ve found that if I fall asleep first and my husband comes in later (not too much later!), I get much better sleep. We definitely make time for each other and love making, so those aren’t being affected and my sleep is much better than during the first couple months when we tried to go to bed together every night.
Yay for doing well! That’s great, KJ! And you know, if you have sleep issues, I understand going to sleep first, as long as you’re both aware of it and talk about it and compensate for it. There never is a one-size-fits-all thing, and I totally understand doing what you gotta do. 🙂
How bad is it to not sleep in the same bed? Me and my wife have been for married for exactly three years so not really newly weds but we haven’t slept in the same room for more than 8 months. The reason is that our daughter sleeps in our bed and my wife says she can’t sleep because I snore to much. It wasn’t a problem before but after kids it makes it hard for her to sleep. She is pregnant again so I don’t think we will sleep in the same bed for at least 2years. I sleep on the couch in our living room. How bad can that be for a marriage?
Hi there, That must be really lonely! It definitely is difficult. I don’t know what impact it’s having on your sex life, so I can’t speak to that. If snoring is an issue, though (and I understand not being to sleep with someone who snores) then have you had this checked out to make sure it’s not apnea? I know so many people who snored like crazy, but after getting a CPAP machine they were fine. So I’d really recommend making sure there’s not a medical reason.
Thank you for your answer. I heard about apnea before but never understood what it was. I will look that up.
Btw we didn’t have much sex before anyways so I don’t think it has affected our sex life mych. What scares me a little is that I have started to like to sleep alone. If we after some years are going to start sleeping in the same bed it may be difficult but I guess that if it doesn’t affect us so much we can continue like that. Thank you for your answer.
A few questions:
1) How do you share finances with a husband who should at least be doing his best to provide for his family but instead is happy with the wife being the breadwinner while he is irresponsible with money; spending what the wife has earned on things like being out at the bars all night, using and charging up credit cards without her knowledge, after spending whatever little he has earned on the same things?
2) How do you not get ticked off if you do try to concentrate on catching him doing good, but you DON’T notice more good things than bad things?!
3) How do you spend your leisure time with your spouse if you have no interest in doing so, physically or emotionally?
4) How do you go to bed at the same time if your spouse isn’t home at night on several nights because he’s out at the bars all night?
5) What do you do when you do share how you feel in a loving non-nagging way and your spouse has no regard for what you’ve told him in several distant and separate occasions and instead feels insecure and feels like he will “never make you happy no matter how hard he tries” even though he’s not truly trying because he’s not really listening or taking heed to what you’ve communicated? And his insecurity, turns on questioning your every move because he feels “you’re not happy here”, even though you’ve stressed that your unhappiness is not related to being with him in general it’s related to the things you’ve tried on several occasions to discuss with him and that you will not allow your “unhappiness” to compromise who you’ve become and continue to grow in with Christ?
Articles like this are always good but they never answer the hard questions or address the harder circumstances. 🙁
Hi Shekinah,
I actually have written about how to handle finances when a husband is irresponsible before, and I’m so sorry that you’re going through this! It sounds like you both have a lot of issues that really need to be worked through. I’m assuming that you’re a newlywed, since you came to this post, and often the first few years are very difficult. But the fact that he isn’t working and then is spending money like crazy is really worrying (and it does sound like the rest flows from that). I do have a post on how to be a spouse, not an enabler, and it may be a good one for you to read. It really does sound like you have to set some clear boundaries, and likely separate your finances until he is more responsible.