What if all it takes is 20 minutes a day to make a great marriage?
Every Friday I like to post a quick, inspiration 400-word marriage post with ONE thought to help you. Here’s this week’s, on how it doesn’t take long to connect.
“Technology is ruining marriages!” “We need to unplug and start talking!” “We need a date night!”
We hear things like this constantly, yet couples don’t seem to heed the advice. Why not?
Maybe it’s because we turn connecting into an all-or-nothing activity. If we don’t spend an entire evening together, our marriage is doomed. If we don’t completely unplug, we’ll never be close. And yet people like their devices. I like my Netflix–my husband and I are really into The 4400 right now. And taking a whole evening for a date night? When you have small children, it seems daunting.
What if this all-or-nothing approach is wrong?
Yesterday I had so many thoughts swimming through my brain. I had talks to plan for the FamilyLife Canada marriage conference where my husband and I are speaking tonight. I had worries about a friend. I had good news from my girls. I had too many things on my to-do list.
When Keith came home, though, he had some work to finish up, so I fleshed out our talks. Then we headed out to the hot tub together and shared our “highs” and “lows” of the day. I told him my news and concerns. We processed it, made plans to deal with some of it, and then dried off, headed back inside, and watched The 4400 (while I knit!).
And you know what? I felt heard, and I know what’s going on in his life.
We try to talk for 20 minutes a day. Sometimes it’s while we’re going for a walk after dinner. Sometimes it’s while we’re playing a board game together. And, yes, sometimes it’s in the hot tub. But those 20 minutes are precious.
Would I like more time? Sometimes. But you know what? I also like watching The 4400. I also like going out with other couples or having them over to our house. And I like talking to my girls and my mom, too! On average, we only have three and a half hours between when Keith comes home from work and when we have to head to bed. If we can spend half an hour of that connecting, we catch up, feel close, and all is good.
Let’s be more realistic about what most couples face, and more honest about what couples need. You don’t need to stop doing all your hobbies so you can stare into each other’s eyes for four hours. Just make sure you’re sharing your heart and you know what’s going on in his. It’s only twenty minutes a day. You can do it!
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Sheila Wray Gregoire has been married for 25 years and happily married for 20! She loves traveling around North America with her hubby in their RV, giving her signature "Girl Talk" about sex and marriage. And she's written 8 books. About sex and marriage. See a theme here? Plus she knits. Even in line at the grocery store.
This is such great advice and so timely for the world we currently live in. I have found that some of my greatest time with my husband was when we would have a short (or long) drive in the car. It was as though we were in a bubble and the rest of the world was shut out….as long as I could get him to turn off talk radio. We would literally feel renewed in our relationship by the time we would reach our destination!
Sounds like fun! We’ve driven to Niagara on the Lake back in 2000 I do believe that was before it was required to have a passport to enter Canada. Of course if Donald Trump is elected president I may end up moving there myself, lol!
Proud to be able to support you on Patreon! And I’m serious about going overseas with you on a Missions Trip!!
I love this, and I totally agree! So often we try to make a huge deal of connecting as a couple, but a little bit each day goes a long way. My husband often does not want to sit down and have a big talk, but when I explained to him that I just need to be able to chat for a few minutes each day, a light bulb went off. Like you said, I just need to feel heard, get a few thoughts out of my head, and then I’m good! Of course, I love the longer, more in-depth times that we have to connect and share, but those happen much less frequently. I believe maintaining a healthy marriage is all about the little things. Thanks for the reminder 🙂
I love the idea of shooting for 20 minutes a day when the electronics are off and we are concentrating on each other. Often my husband is on the computer, looking at the screen and telling me he’s listening. If we can both commit to 20 minutes and then go back to what he was doing, I think it will go a long way.
Have a great weekend and good luck with your conference. I’m so excited about mine next weekend in St. Augustine, FL.
I love this! 20mins a day is so doable! What great advice!
20 minutes would be great! Unfortunately impossible with a busy toddler around. So I do make the most of time together, i.e. ignoring housework and chores when hubby is around and just hanging out. Its really NOT that important, but he is and our relationship is.
So hard, I know! When our kids were toddlers we found that 20 minutes by sticking them in the stroller and going for a walk. That was the only way to find time to talk without them interrupting! But I totally agree with letting the chores go sometimes. 🙂
Hubby and I do make time to chit chat. But there is another dynamic that bothers me.
He thinks I can be a stick in the mud. He loves TV and movies, I hate 98% of them. Especially since most contain sinful situations without edifying story lines. He likes heavy metal and rock n roll. I prefer calmer fare without themes of darkness and fornication. He abandons me at parties because I can only handle a small drink, and he likes several (or more) drinks. He likes sarcasm and crude jokes, I am trying to tame my tongue.
Nothing he is doing is in the clearly sinful categories. Not porn, or drunkness, or stuff like that. But I am not comfortable with them. I enjoy a good laugh and playtime and having fun, but a lot of what I enjoy he finds lame and tame. He’s not going to watch Courageous or Sense and Sensibility, and I am not going to watch Family Guy or Alien vs Predator.
He wanted a “partner in crime” when we got married. Someone to drink with, watch movies with, and laugh at epic fail YouTube videos with. I did at first, but felt convicted. So now I am the fuddy duddy.
How do we bridge that gap?
That’s a great question! Let me ask on Facebook this weekend because often people have some good ideas, and then I’ll try to write a post on it soon!
I love this post! With my love language being quality time this is something I always struggle with. I feel like amount of time equals level of connection. But that just isn’t true! This is a great reminder that consistency is more important. With a toddler it makes it even more challenging. Moving forward I will appreciate even just 20 minutes a day together!