This Valentine’s Day, decide to write your own love story!
On Fridays, I like to feature a “Marriage Moment”, short 400-word inspirational piece that points us to a truth about marriage. Here’s this week’s that challenges our attitude:
Every time I give my Girl Talk (my one-night event for churches on sex and marriage), I have an anonymous Q&A time. In Tyler, Texas, this week, one young mom asked this:
I’ve got two little kids, and ever since I became a mom sex and kissing just grosses me out. I have too much to do, and it just feels like now he’s bugging me, too.
I get it. I really do. When you’re tired and sleep deprived and little children need you, our sex drives often disappear.
Then I had another letter from a newlywed, asking:
Is it normal to feel like your husband is selfish? I loved him so much when we got married, but now I see this whole new side of him, and I’m not even sure I like him anymore.
She had all of these expectations, and it’s pretty much impossible for anyone to live up to them. And he probably had expectations, too. And as they’re both disappointed, they pull away. And that just contributes to the tension.
I think women are secretly hoping for something like this:
In the midst of my drudgery and busy life, my husband is going to know exactly what to say, he’ll sweep me off my feet and distract me so that I’m not worried about all of these things anymore! I’ll finally be able to relax!
We may even have a script of what he should say or do. But he never quite lives up to that script, and so we’re perpetually disappointed.
I’m here to tell you a harsh truth today, ladies: no husband will ever be able to sweep you off of your feet like that, because only you know the script.
If you’re waiting for him to write your love story, then, you may be waiting a long time.
But ladies, we can write our own love stories! We can decide: now that I’m a mom, this marriage matters more, not less. So I’m going to make sure I take care of myself so I’m not grumpy. We can decide: I married this man, so I’m going to keep pursuing him, rather than waiting for him to pursue me in just the right way. I want this marriage to rock!
I’m going to think positively about him. I’m going to thank him. I’m going to appreciate him. And I’m going to stay affectionate! And I’m going to do these things because I decide to, not because he does exactly the right thing.
That’s how to make Valentine’s Day special. So decide to love him this Sunday, and you may just find that you’re writing your own love story.
Note: I know that some men disappoint in big ways, like addictions or breaches of trust. If that’s the case, please read last week’s Marriage Moment. But in most marriages, we get disappointed because of little things, and those build up. In that case, what we really need is just an attitude adjustment!
What’s #1 at To Love, Honor and Vacuum?
Valentine’s Day is just about here and it can stir up a lot of different feelings. Check out some of this week’s top posts as we explore what Valentine’s Day brings to the surface.
#1 NEW Post on the Blog: Four Ways To Love Your Husband When He’s Being Unlovable
#3 on the Blog Overall: 20 Two Player Games To Play With Your Husband
#2 from Facebook: A Letter To All Those Who Feel They Have Lost Their Purity
#3 from Pinterest: Valentine’s Gifts For Your Husband
I’m Heading Home Soon–But I’m Sick!
So we’re done in Texas now, and I’m heading to Nashville to meet up with Katie for a few days and then heading home. I will have been away from home for a whole month by the time I get back. It’s been a long time. I’m looking forward to sleeping in my own bed (and seeing my husband again; I said goodbye to him two weeks ago).
But now I have a cold. Sigh.
Sometimes Finding Balance is Hard
I truly believe that most marriages can be thriving, happy ones if we get a change of attitude and start looking to how we can love, rather than focusing on our own disappointment. That’s what happened in my marriage; that’s what I see in Scripture; and that’s what research tells us. When we reach out, believe the best, and love, the tension level decreases, you stop drifting, and now you can tackle big stuff and create that marriage you long for.
However, I know that this isn’t true in all marriages. I know some marriages have bigger issues, and the problem isn’t one of our own attitude but about someone else’s sin. When there’s abuse, addictions, laziness, it’s not always about choosing to let things go. Sometimes it’s choosing to be strong and to put down some boundaries in your marriage! That’s why I wrote this post on why one size fits all marriage advice doesn’t work.
So when I write pieces like today’s, I’m always thinking: this is usually true, but not always. And one reader commented on Wednesday’s guest post about loving him when he’s being unlovable that in some marriages it isn’t that simple. And she’s right.
So I just want to say, loudly and clearly, that when I say that we are to let things go, and choose to love, I’m talking about most marriages which are healthy but have some struggles. I’m not talking about marriages where there’s some serious sin involved. I don’t always remember to put those disclaimers on, but I do think it. And I hope you all give me some grace in that!
I want to share some pictures and other stuff, but to tell you the honest truth–I feel lousy. And I’m going to go back to bed for a few hours now before I have to catch my plane this afternoon! So I hope you all have a good weekend–and a wonderful Valentine’s Day!