The key to great sex is to flip that mental switch!
It’s Wednesday, the day when we always talk marriage! And today Dr. Carol Peters-Tanksley, author of Dr. Carol’s Guide to Women’s Health, joins us to encourage us to get our brains in gear when it comes to sex!
You may have experienced the vicious cycle yourself. Something isn’t going well between you and your husband. Perhaps he was inconsiderate and said something negative about you in front of your friends. Perhaps you were extra tired or truly had a headache, and had to refuse his sexual advances. The temperature between you dropped from pleasantly warm to tepid.
Neither of you felt much like “making up.” A few days later something else happened, and the temperature dropped again. Now you’re starting to feel a real chill. You’re frustrated at his lack of understanding, and he certainly isn’t doing anything to make you feel warmer towards him. And if he were asked, he would say that you’re going out of your way to be distant, unavailable, and downright “unwifely!”
God wants us to “love, honor, and cherish” each other. And there’s not much loving, honoring, or cherishing going on.
In my role as an OB-Gyn physician, and in my ministry activities, I hear from couples like this all too often. What starts out as a temporary speedbump can easily develop into a wall between you.
It’s been two months since he made any effort at intimacy.” “She hasn’t let me make love to her for almost a year.”
And the weeks, months, or even years continue until you’re more like roommates instead of husband and wife. I can feel the hurt, the frustration, and the loneliness in these couples.
Is that you?
As a wife you have plenty of excuses you could use to keep your husband at arm’s length and not “have to” engage in sex. Children may be keeping you up at night, and you’re exhausted. Your schedule and his may leave you very little time to be in the same place at the same time. Your hormones may be making you feel crazy. Your husband just isn’t as interesting, as romantic, as helpful, or as attentive as you hoped he would be. And on top of that, he’s done things to hurt you!
The bottom line: you just can’t get in the mood.
I believe there’s absolutely no reason you should feel obligated to “give in” to sex with your husband any and every time he wants it. But I’m going to share a technique with you that’s guaranteed to bring you closer together. If the wall between you has been there a long time you may have to employ this technique repeatedly for a while, but if your husband has an ounce of good will left in his heart, this will work.
The Mental Aspect of Intimacy
To understand this technique, it’s important to realize that sex begins in the mind.
Sure, your hormones, your reproductive organs, and your environment are all important. But the biggest single factor in your experience of intimacy – including sex – is your mind.
Think of the last time you watched a romantic movie or read a romance novel. Do you remember how that made you feel? Chances are your internal engines were revved up – and the only stimulus for that to happen were the pictures and thoughts in your mind. Your husband wasn’t being sweet to you. There were no flowers or chocolates, no holding-hands-under-the-stars, no enchanted evening, no slow dancing to “your” song.
The feelings of excitement were triggered in your mind. And your body followed – to some smaller or greater extent.
You should be shouting for joy right now! Your feelings can grow from thoughts in your mind. And that means you have a large amount of control over what feelings you allow to flourish, including all the sexy, connected, excited, committed feelings that intimacy at its best can bring.
No, your choice about what to think about isn’t the only factor in creating satisfying intimacy. But it’s often the most important driver, and the one you can usually do the most about.
And by the way, I’m sure you realize that sex is only one part of intimacy. It’s a very important part, but without relationship and trust and togetherness and friendship and commitment, sex is – well – just sex. Sexual intimacy is at its best when the other aspects of intimacy are strong as well.
As women, you and I are especially gifted in this mental aspect of intimacy. And that brings me directly to that technique that is certain to bring you and your husband closer together.
Taking A Mental Step
If you want to build the intimacy in your marriage, if you want to re-connect and bring back the butterflies, here’s the technique you can learn: Choose to take a mental step toward your husband.
You’ve taken a step away from him countless times. You’ve hesitated for a moment when he makes a sexual advance, and then moved away. You’ve looked at him when he wasn’t watching, imagining what might be, and then looked away. Even if there’s nothing that has especially attracted you to him in a long time, every now and then your soul feels a hint of longing, an ever-so-small desire to be closer. But you haven’t acted on that desire.
Until now.
It’s time to reverse that, and choose to take a mental step toward your husband, rather than away from him. And then to take a small action to follow up that mental step in his direction.
I know personally how important this technique can be. My husband has a chronic illness, and barring a miracle from God may not get much better. That means our togetherness is usually filled with monitoring symptoms and numbers, managing medications and doctor’s visits, and a hundred other things that are necessary to keep him as alive and well as possible. We love each other deeply, but spontaneous romantic intimacy often gets pre-empted.
So at those times when my husband is feeling well – and amorous – intimacy may be the farthest thing from my mind. We both want to be close, but my feelings need a little time to catch up.
I’ve learned that choosing to take that mental step in his direction makes all the difference in the world.
However little or much happens next, we always feel more connected. And sometimes the results are spectacular!
If you’re struggling to feel connected with your husband, to respond to his desires for intimacy, or to get him to respond to you, I encourage you to practice taking a mental step in his direction. CHOOSE to move closer.
And then take a small action to follow up that mental step:
- Hold his hand a little longer
- Move closer on the couch, and ask him an open-ended question
- Make that kiss last – and last
- Offer a backrub
Sure, there may be a number of other things you have to address as a couple; negative baggage from past sexual experiences, physical issues that make sex difficult, forgiveness for all the little failures between you, communication differences, etc.
But owning the power of your mind in the area of intimacy will do much to help you reconnect with your husband.
If you start by taking that mental step in his direction, there’s no telling how your body – or your husband – may respond!
Dr Carol Peters-Tanksley is a licensed OB-Gyn physician and ordained Christian minister, sometimes known to her friends as “Doctor-Doctor.” Her new book Dr Carol’s Guide to Women’s Health: Take Charge of Your Physical and Emotional Wellbeingis available wherever books are sold. Dr Carol invites you to connect with her at her ministry website www.drcarolministries.com, Twitter, or Facebook.
Take this advice one step further! Here are the top 10 positive things to say to yourself about sex, to keep flipping that mental switch.
Thank you so much, Sheila, for sharing this! I look forward to hearing from your readers about how the “mental switch” may work in their relationships. Blessings on all you do!
This can help me! Thank you!
I was surprised how much of a difference this made in my own marriage. I am so glad you see how it can help in yours too!
This was a great article. For us, sex really does start in the mind. We are very emotional and feelings-oriented.
I have gone through these dry spells at times after the babies, during financial problems, (which often causes men to act weird), and at other times.
But when I choose to believe the best in my husband that’s when the feelings often come back. I’ll admit, I have to sometimes push to want to make love, but it’s worth it because it helps us to feel connected.
Another thing that has helped me is listening to love music the day of our lovemaking or even a few hours before.
In a nutshell, sex is not an option for us as wives, it’s apart of marriage, but it’s so much better when we choose to do it. 🙂
I love your idea about listening to romantic music even hours before you anticipate an intimate encounter. That’s making the conscious choice to step in your husband’s direction. Great stuff!
This article is a great reminder not to let things go. My husband and I have been married 13 plus years and sex was steaming for at least the first 5 years, but it’s definitely lost it’s steam the last 6 plus years. It’s not that we don’t have it, but it’s that it seems to be the furthest thing from my mind most days. I love the guy, he loves me. We are the best of friends and can talk about everything, but sometimes the spark is missing. He is so gentle with me, never wants to “bug” me for sex if I look tired, but I wish he wouldn’t be so nice because literally I just don’t have it on my mind. (yes, I’ve talked to him about it) I am the one who is always home with our three children-we homeschool-and I hate that sometimes that’s all that is on my mind.
Rosanna, how open is your husband to you taking the initiative? Some men really love it when their wives take the first step. If your husband is like that, why not make yourself an appointment on the calendar to set up a romantic meet-up with him. Writing it on the calendar will help your mind be ready, and perhaps help you come up with a creative idea to get the sparks flying again.
When you say:
Think of the last time you watched a romantic movie or read a romance novel. Do you remember how that made you feel? Chances are your internal engines were revved up – and the only stimulus for that to happen were the pictures and thoughts in your mind
I am struggling to understand the line between pornographic images and seeing things that make you feel sexual towards your spouse. I am careful to keep sexual images at a minimum in my life, as my husband has struggled with porn issues in the past. Can you please give examples of healthy ways to flip our mental switch?
Lin,
Nobody else has opted to respond, so let me, from a mans’ POV try to give answer.
Perhaps I am odd, but after 5 years together my love and I have yet to have “just sex”.
It has never been just sex, ever. The love was there before we ever touched.
I knew it and felt it the moment our eyes met and we made that connection over a dinner that turned into a 5 hour heart-opening night. I fell into her eyes and was both lost and found at the same moment.
When there is love, real love, there is more than just 2 bodies in the act.
There are 2 minds and 2 souls sharing a beautiful vulnerability.
You let your guard down, you cast off all those faces you wear throughout the day in dealing with others.
It’s not your body that is naked so much as your being, your soul, your mind.
I show her places in my heart and soul I shudder to think of others seeing as they would judge me for what they might see as weak, or different from popular conceptions. I don’t worry because she loves ALL of me.
Pornography, while exciting, can NEVER approach the act of making love with your spouse in it’s life changing beauty. You become bonded to that person once you manage to make that connection.
For a man this is often difficult to deal with as it defies the common dogma of “men don’t cry” and “real men aren’t weak or vulnerable”. That is a heinous lie. We need to do those things or die a little every day.
I frequently weep in her arms when we have made love. Or laugh/giggle out of reflex.
And since I know all I will be met with is a kiss or a caress or an embrace, it restores my very soul.
Does that help? I hope and pray it does, at least from this mans perspective.
Pornography is removing all the best, and elusively wondrous, parts of the act of sex that can transform it into something beyond the human body experience. It might feel great while you are doing it, but there is no memory that will later make you want to hold that person in your arms until the day God call one of you home. That’s reserved for those who make love.
Your articles are so helpful! I have one major problem in my relationship. I feel that if my husband had his way, he would have sex every day! Obviously I cannot keep up with this high libido and often have to turn down his advances. This become huge arguments as I am always the one that says no. I do want to be intimate with my husband, but how can I make him understand that he needs to give me the space I need so that I can want to approach Him
To ‘anaverageguy’ …You raised some excellent points. However I do find part of what you said quite offensive. ‘Pornography, while exciting, NEVER satisfies’. You’ve done well to note that pornography never satisfies. However in that sentence, you have also labelled it ‘exciting’. Its a painful topic for many people & I don’t ever want to read on a Christian website a man describes it as ‘exciting’. I’m sure you didn’t mean to offend…